SPUNK MAGAZINE

PISSES ON MADONNA

2009-11-12T13:02:00.001Z

CHERYL COLE: Pop that chest booty, Tweedy

2009-11-10T11:35:00.005Z

I have mixed feelings about Girls Aloud going solo. They are, almost undeniably, the bet pop act in the country, and should things go a little too well for either Irish or Tweedy, it could all go the way of Destiny's Child.

While the thought of a post-GA career for Ginger, Cokey and Pete Burns is almost too depressing to bare, i must admit to being very fond of '3 Words' (the single, not the album) that Cheryl has recorded with Will.i.am.

It's fair to assume they haven't agonised over the lyrical content for hours, but the melody, sophisticated in its simplicity, is a brave blend of sombre and sweet that i cannot get enough of.

MR. HUDSON

2009-10-28T15:59:00.001Z

I get the unshakable feeling that he is a twat.

THE X FACTOR 2009: a round-up so far

2009-10-28T12:40:00.013Z

Daniyeyil is a posh bellend with a giant mouth but is very good and I would definitely bum him.

Stacey is mostly funny but also good, and although I fear her 'comedy routine' might get old very soon, she seems like a genuinely lovely girl.

John and Edward are not 'pure entertainment', their performance of Britney's "Oops... I did it again" was the height of their relevance, they have now served their purpose and must therefore be eliminated.

Miss Frank were brilliant and it pains me that they have left.

Joe sings like a goat and surely only appeals to the elderly (there's a joke here about his surname sounding like 'elderly' but it most likely wouldn't be very funny)

Hat Boy should have never been put through to the live shows. Not selecting THE YANK HUNK (ethan somethingorother) was a huge mistake on Cheryl's part that I shan't forgive her for.

Lucie was good on Big Band week but is otherwise dull as dishwater.

Olly Murs is fantastic and I would definitely bum him too (or let him bum me? not sure. he does have an enormous jaw, which bothers me a bit. I'll have a think about that).

I was a big supporter of Rachel but now think she is a bellend.

Lloyd has a fairly sweet voice but is an utter amateur (I don't care how young he is).

Jamie Afro is a one-trick talentless cunt.

Robbie and Whitney were shit and definitely off their tits on drugs. Alexandra Burke is annoying and talks too much. Cheryl was brilliant. More next week!

THE EMPEROR OF PITY

2009-10-28T11:51:00.007Z

God, it's easy to forget how fat he was, isn't it?

I've established my stance on KeishaGate, now on to the real business. They are both internationally renowned pop stars so this is all very relevant.

Peter Andre's new video came on The Hits (or whatever they are calling it) last night and, frankly, knives through the eyes would have been kinder. Shimmy on over to your cutlery drawer 'cause here it is:

Whilst I haven't the slightest issue with someone making a career of being a greedy slut whoring out her disabled child, I take genuine offense to the blubbering, doe-eyed FESTIVAL OF PITY that this man has farted all over us of late.

"Everything I can't tell you about why I left Kate.", "Hate Kate, Buy My Album.", "Look At My Kids, Now Look At Her Tranny (Probably Paedophile) Boyfriend, Now Look At My Tears, Now Buy My Shit Album."

I understand that self-respect is not a factor to consider in this specific scenario, but have some fucking self-respect.

BREAKING NEWS: Keisha's Out

2009-10-28T11:28:00.007Z

I know, I know. I wrote 1 post in 2008 so let me do some catching up. But first, a picture.

Such elegance!

I don't see what the big fuss was all about, she always had a major case of bitch face.

And it's no coincidence this all happened at the same time that Amelle got to number 1 with a solo project. She basically couldn't bare the attention being on someone else for a second, tried to get rid of (thin, tall) Amelle and it backfired in her big bitch face.

I say good riddance, a warm welcome to Jade and on with the show. It's not like the Sugababes had retained any credibility since the departure of poor Siobhan anyway.

Heidi better step-up her Slim-Fast game though, 'cause she's definitely the fat one now :(

RIHANNA'S ALBUM COVER

2009-10-28T10:49:00.004Z

OH GOD is she hiding another black eye? (n.b. domestic abuse is not funny).

I can't wait to play her new single at the weekend, when I'm straightening my hair and getting ready to go out with my girls! What? Oh, i see. No that's fine i'll just dust off Confessions On A Dancefloor.

ADAM LAMBERT'S ALBUM COVER

2009-10-28T10:24:00.004Z

You make up your own mind, I'm too hungover for this.

TRANNY CLOWN DROPS A STEAMER

2008-09-11T16:30:00.006+01:00

Christina Aguilera (checking for lumps below) has a new song for you, hav' a listen...

SHAMEFUL BUT TRUE

2007-12-19T20:57:00.000Z

First she bags a hot pop boy, now she releases a brilliant single. "Outta My Head" reminds us of everything we love about Cyndi Lauper.

AMY KEEPS COKE IN BEEHIVE

2007-11-16T14:59:00.000Z

Practical!

THE X FACTOR BOYS HAVE HUGE TITS

2007-11-13T13:30:00.000Z

Like, huuuuge. Here's Andy and Rhydian naked, showing off their big man tits.

GIRLS ALOUD: what do you call this??

2007-11-12T18:11:00.001Z

Is that a bloody Coldplay album cover? No, no it is not. It's a bloody Girls Aloud album cover
And when this was in the can!!?!? Unpardonable.

WILL YOUNG IS NOT FUNNY

2007-11-11T15:17:00.002Z

MELANIE BROWN: momentarily genius

2007-11-09T20:54:00.000Z

Is this the weirdest fucking video you have ever seen? Yes it fucking is. We love it!

HOUSEWHITE'S HOUSE: raided

2007-11-08T21:09:00.000Z

The Pigs say: "We can confirm there is police activity as part of an ongoing police operation."

Her rep says: "The only thing I can tell you is that it has nothing to do with drugs and that Amy is fine and she has not been charged or arrested."

Bitch, if it aint drugs. what the fuck is it?! Chained-up dead gimp? Hot shoes though.

FANS OF SIOBHAN DONAGHY, FEAR NOT: a MySpace conversation

2007-11-06T22:20:00.000Z

Hello Spunk Magazine

I most certainly do plan to make another record. I don't have a minute to myself with Rent, which I'm loving, but as soon as my run finishes I'm looking forward to starting writing again! Siobhan xx

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: SPUNK MAGAZINE
Date: 16 Oct 2007, 22:10

hi siobhan

sorry i'm sure this is very unoriginal... but do you have any plans of recording a new album?

'ghosts' is wonderful and we want some more!

hope Rent's going well

spunk x

LILY ALLEN NEW FACE OF AGENT PROVOCATEUR

2007-11-06T21:34:00.000Z

That's all our respect for the brand down the shitter, then.

Truffle pig in a bra... good call!

ALICIA SHRIEKS: make her stop!

2007-11-06T21:17:00.000Z

Everyone seems to be praising (and buying) Alicia Keys' new single No One.

We think she is totally out of her depth and vocal range.

Bitch ain't no Leona.

BRITNEY SPEARS BLACKOUT: it's a gooden!

2007-10-26T20:29:00.000+01:00

Listen to Unfitney's entire album here.

SPICE GIRLS NEW SINGLE: snippet

2007-10-21T22:49:00.000+01:00

'Headlines' sounds like '2 Become 1' and 'Goobye' mixed together. Rather luke-warm but could be much, much worse - you will all remember 'Let Love Lead the Way'!)

LEONA LEWIS: Bleeding Love video

2007-10-17T20:15:00.000+01:00

Well it's a bloody improvement on this, isn't it viewers?

MADONNA: have a sit down, dear

2007-10-17T12:44:00.000+01:00

We had a feeling her next album, and last, with Warner Brothers would mark the end of her career as a pop star, and that she would instead focus on directing films and tings. We were wrong.

Just reading the press release for her new deal with Live Nation makes us tired...

"Live Nation said her 2006 Confessions on a Dance Floor trek grossed about $200 million worldwide, and that she could mount four similar tours over the life of the new contract to generate a total of $800 million. Her previous three albums combined grossed $200 million, and the contract calls for three from the singer. Live Nation expects the first album to be delivered sometime in the next two to three years and for the first tour within the next two years."

In other words, she's not going anywhere. Good, good.

KYLIE'S NEW VIDEO

2007-10-11T21:01:00.001+01:00

...yeeah... not quite right, is it? And she's kind of butchered the song too... ah well, still good at album covers!

SIOBHAN DONAGHY: so you say

2007-10-11T20:34:00.000+01:00

This beautiful video didn't get nearly enough attention when it came out.