PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING

Once Committed, Sex Fades

2009-06-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

We've been dating a long time and finally moved in together. He was always passionate and sexy. Once we moved in together, I thought he'd be all over me. But he wasn't. The odd thing is hes all about snuggling and kissing and cute talk. He is very sweet and affectionate. But when it comes to sexual intimacy I feel like he is not attracted to me. At night he usually doesn't want to fool around but he always wants to snuggle. I don't get it...Ive tried looking sexier at night and he acts more like I'm a cute stuffed animal than noticing me in a sexy way. I really don't know what to make of it. We do fool around, but probably 3-5 times a month at most. I often feel sad and awkward about this. I'm 26 years old (so is he.) I don't get it...

This is not an uncommon complaint. And I mostly hear it from women, rarely from men. The problem often stems from the male idea of how to treat a woman. For many men, there are two types of women, those they date and with whom they have sex, and those who they respect. During the dating phase of a relationship, they are in hot pursuit (and pursuing women, drugs, alcohol, pornography all excite the same part of the brain and stimulate the same neurochemicals in the brain). There is a lot of brain chemistry going on putting them in a highly charged mood. Part of the pursuit is the illicit nature of the relationship and the challenge of obtaining the prize. Men are very visual creatures. They grew up looking at Penthouse, Hustler, and Playboy. They watch porn. They want to act out those fantasies with women that they are dating and pursuing. However, once they commit to a relationship, especially when they are either living together or married, everything changes. The illicit behavior as well as the chemistry of pursuit fades away. Now they are just left with the relationship itself without the neurochemicals operating. There is also a cognitive shift. The woman no longer is compared to the Penthouse model or porn queen; she is now family. She is more like mother/sister. An they do not look at her as someone with whom to do "the nasty." In their mind, sex and intimacy do not work together. One has sex with "those type of women" not with someone whom they respect or see as the potential mother of their children. How can do "those things" with their child's mother or with someone they care about as family?

So that leads us to the bigger question: What can be done about it? What is necessary is to be able to integrate intimacy with sex. Easier said than done. It begins with having the conversation about attitudes about sex and working toward changing the way in which sex is understood. If I compare "pursuit sex" and "intimate sex" it would like comparing that juicy hamburger with all of the special sauce with fine dining. Seeking the burger is like a craving; seeking a fine quality dining experience does not have that craving element; it is more of an acquired taste rather than something to satisfy an immediate need. So the task is learning how to have a "fine dining" sexual experience where it is more about having the relationship, getting to know one another, creating an experience, than merely getting off. This obviously takes practice, conversation, and often requires the assistance of a sex therapist/couples counselor.

Issues of Trust

2006-11-07T07:56:00.000-08:00

I have lived with my boyfriend for 9 months and love him dearly. However, we have trust issues. He is suspicious by nature and reads my emails and constantly 'checks up on me'. He often cites Dr. Phil as an excuse and says there should be total transparency in a relationship. I agree but don't think this should be taken to extremes. He insists on knowing my passwords etc.

There is a big difference between transparency and privacy. Transparency refers to a genuine and open relationship, where no attempt is made to deliberately hide important information from one's partner that might affect the relationship. Transparency offers each partner the opportunity to fully know one another. It requires that each individual voluntarily make an effort to reveal themselves to one another in an effort to be real. While total transparency might be a goal, it does not mean that individuals in a relationship are not entitled to privacy. The concept of transparency does not give license to the parties to violate personal boundaries, to invade personal space, or to be intrusive. Even the most transparent of individuals have areas of thought and action that are not open to public scrutiny. These areas might include reading someone else's mail whether postal mail or email, reading a personal diary or journal, demanding to know the content of all conversations held with other people, etc.

Trust is a two-way street. It suggests that each party will take a leap of faith that says that each believes that the other will not do anything to intentional harm the other person. Trust is gradually built as we learn more about each other. Transparency facilitates trust. When you describe your boyfriend as checking up on you, this suggests that he has not made that leap of faith. He does not respect your privacy. And he is not building intimacy. He seems more concerned about his own insecurities than he is about the affect of his behavior on the relationship. I suggest that either he backs off or that you back out.

In Love With Husband's Friend

2006-08-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

I love my husband's good friend and he loves me. We've been having an emotional affair for over a year, no sex. We've been married 27 years, the kids are grown, and there's nothing between husband and me anymore. I know my husband loves me and he is a good person, but I feel nothing. His friend is separated and feels very strongly about me, but he won't have sex with me unless I was separated from my husband. I don't know if I should leave my husband. Help.

Your story and your dilemma are not new to me; I have heard similar stories many times. It usually goes something like this: a couple marries young and was very much in love with each other. Then the children came along. The husband feels the responsibility for supporting the family so he focuses on work. The wife focuses all of her energy on taking care of the children and tending the home. Gradually, the connection between them fades as they go through their day-to-day activities; the primary conversation between them is about the children, chores, and family events. Not a particularly romantic connection.

We fast forward and the children are grown and out of the house. The couple has settled into a comfortable, but mundane lifestyle, with little or no passion. They barely know one another except as parents to their children. They each recognize that something is missing, but neither is sure what it is or how to get it. That is, until one of them connects with someone else who reminds them that they are still young, exciting, and passionate. In your marriage, it was you who found someone responsive to you, making you feel like a young woman again, alive and passionate. So you question whether you love your husband and whether you should leave him for this other man who sees you as something other than "the wife and mother." And it feels great!

Here's the problem. You are vulnerable and your new friend is in transition. The beauty of an emotional affair is that neither of you have to deal with the day-to-day acts of living together. You have those special stolen moments together where you can gaze soulfully into each other's eyes and feel totally connected; and you fill in the rest with fantasy. For his part, you are a safe distraction while he is going through the difficulty of a divorce. You are what we call a "transitional object" for him -- a person who facilitates a transition from being married to being single.

Let's say you separate from your husband to be with this man. In the beginning things seem to be great. Conversation is all about your respective divorces, your ex-spouses, and everyone's reaction to your new situation. This temporarily brings you close together as you unite against the social pressures. Then things die down and you have to face each other every day, not only on those stolen moments with all of the attendant excitement of an illicit romance. But rather the stuff of daily life: work, laundry, housekeeping, and so on. And, of course, there's the guilt of knowing that you did not work on your marriage. Will the romance survive?

What I am about to suggest won't be easy for you to do. But it will be worth it in the long run and leave you feeling a lot better about yourself should you end up leaving your marriage.

Go to your husband and tell him that now that the children are grown and gone, you are having a difficult time just going through the motions of a married woman. Tell him that it has been a long time since you felt that romantic spark in the marriage and that you want to re-invent your marriage. Tell him that you are not willing to merely go "quietly into the night" and grow old gracefully. Tell him that you want passion, excitement, and to feel that he wants you and sees you as a beautiful and exciting woman. Tell him that you are willing to work on the marriage with him to see whether the two of you can re-kindle the excitement of your earlier days together and that you are willing to seek marriage counseling with him. You might also tell him that you are finding yourself feeling responsive to other men's interest in you and you are using that as a signal that something is missing in your marriage. Let your attraction to your friend spark you to try to re-habilitate your marriage before you make a decision that you might regret and before your husband suspects your emotional infidelity.

If your husband is non-responsive to your suggestion and if your attempts at re-defining your marriage to suit your current situation with the help of marriage counseling fail, then you can at least say you gave it your best shot before ending your marriage. You have little to lose and everything to gain.

One more thing: many women (and men in similar situations) don't want to confront their spouse. They don't want to give up the excitement of the illicit affair. It is that excitement that leaves them feeling alive. By comparison, working on one's marriage is hard and often painful. Also, if the work does not lead to a fulfilling marriage, then they have to face the difficult decision of whether to remain married or divorce.

I Gave Up My Career For This?

2006-04-18T19:29:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have been married for over 11 years. We have two girls, ages three and one. I gave up a good career in industry in favor of government employment in order to have more family time. My husband used to be good about coming home for meals and participating in family life important to him. During the past year this has changed. He is frequently late coming home or he misses dinner altogether. When he picks up our three year old from day care he waits until the last minute. He has no interest in sex with me or in me as a person. I can't seem to do much right. He's always stressed and frequently yells at the children daily. I've tried to discuss it with him but he gets angry and says I'm stressing him. He says he gets no support from me. I want to leave him and take the kids with me, but he's a good dad and a gentle man. I'm afraid of hurting my girls, but I'm worn out.

You and your husband were childless for the first eight of your 11-year marriage. Until you had children you had a good career in industry. No doubt you were making a lot more money than you currently make working for the government. Hence, I can deduce that you and your husband enjoyed a fairly affluent lifestyle of a two-career household. You could come and go as you please, make love when you felt like it, travel whenever you wished, etc. A typical young, affluent couple. Then one or both of you decided to have children. That changed everything, probably in ways that you did not predict. You left your lucrative career figuring that you would trade the single couple lifestyle for family life. When you had your first child, life changed. But since it was the first you probably were able to enjoy the novelty of the experience....at least for a while. But there were other changes as well, not the least of which was your energy level and your body changes. Two years later along comes number two child. No sooner than one is sleeping through the night, you have a second to keep you awake. Two children amount to more than twice as much change; it is a quantum jump, especially when they are only two years apart.

So, as you are focusing on taking care of two children, where is your husband? What is he feeling about all of this? How is he experiencing the tremendous life change that has occurred? Eight years of being the focus of your attention, now he is number three on the list...or perhaps number four if you have a dog. And, of course, what about you? You have a full-time job and a 24/7 job at home. What happened to going out with the girls? What about shopping until you drop? Spending the day getting your hair, nails, and toes done...where did that go? And stretch marks and other body changes...how have they affected your spirits? And now your husband yells, does not pay attention to you, has a short fuse, and you just want to pack up and blow this burg.

This family life is not what you had imagined when you left the single couple scene and gave up your high-powered career. Welcome to the real family! My guess is that you and your husband need some serious professional help to sort through the myriad feelings that come along with family life. No one really tells you how children can change your life. I suspect your husband is resenting not having time with you. I imagine that you both miss those quiet evenings enjoying a glass of wine after a day at work. Some people can adjust to the reality of holding down a full-time job during the day and having to honor the demands of parenthood at night. Learning how to make time for romance uninterrupted by demanding children takes work. Relegating sexual connection to the last thing before going to bed is a sure fire way of dimming those passions if not eliminating them altogether.

How much time have you spent exploring each other's feelings rather than demanding or criticizing one another? How much time has been spent in discussing how much you may miss being the #1 priority in each other's life? These are all real issues faced by most couples. Some find the shift easier than others; and sometimes one spouse makes that transition sooner than the other. Open dialogue is essential without feeling shame or guilt for the feelings one is having. These are sensitive issues and a trained professional can assist in the process.

Potpourri

2006-03-29T09:50:00.000-08:00

Frequently I receive inquiries from people that I choose not to post on this blog. These inquires are usually funny, odd, simple, or in my opinion would be of little interest to most readers of this blog. I am posting them here with some brief commentary thinking perhaps they might be of interest to some readers:

*******

I am in a relationship with a guy that I simply don't care for. He's a nice guy but something's amiss and I can't figure it out. He takes me out, pays $6.00 for each dinner every Friday night, but he's still physically attached to his old girlfriend even though she left him for her to marry someone else. He is a self-professed perfectionist, but he is anything but perfect and I find him dreary and boring. I would like him if he had a mind of his own but I've yet to find one. What's going on in his head? What type of personality am I dealing with?

Why do you care? If he is boring, dreary, and you don't care for him, move on!

***

I have a male friend that takes me out but he always makes me stop at his former lovers home afterwards even though she is married now. I finally got my friend to take me to see his new home after two years. I was appalled. His home was anything but perfect. He had ugly old bedding over two brand new lovely black leather couches, dust three inches thick on every table in the house, all his Aunt's old pictures (he bought the house from her) everything was strewn all over the place in his dining room---a bedroom dresser, a fish tank, a cover for a radiator, a four drawer filing cabinet. The dining room table was in a cubby where it didn't belong (an entranceway), the small bedroom had two unmade bunkbeds and and was sloppy. In the master bed had a well made bed because he stated that he sleeps "on top" of the covers so he doesn't have to "mess up" his new sheets. He had two very nice things in the home. A tea pot that looked "exactly" like mine after he told me that he doesn't use a tea pot just the microwave and a garbage can---exactly like mine. He takes care of his ex-lover's son since he was born and when she left him for another man, (she and her mother live in the same house) he continued on hanging on to her, watching her son, visiting her mother as though she never got married. My other friends think this is very weird. Even when he talks, all his ideas belong to her. I think this so strange. Before me, he was living with this woman for ten years and he took on her concepts and personality but it doesn't work for him. She has the ability to be flexible, he does not.

My question is this, "What is he hiding from me or better yet himself?" I find him to be extremely boring and all he can talk about are things that pertain to her and her life. To her, he talks about me. I wonder if he's psychotic. Am I missing something here? He's a nice, yet extremely boring man and I think he doesn't own his own personality.

And my question to you is, "Why are you wasting your time trying to figure out what's going on in his head?" Get on with your life.

***

My girlfriend and I have known each other for approximately four years. She was dating when we met and was in a sexual relationship with him. She had continued a sexual relationship with him until we got together. And six months into our relationship she cheated on me with him and got pregnant. I did not know she was pregnant. I broke up with her to organize my life in order to begin one with her. I then found out she slept with him the day after we broke up. What should I do?

It's time for you to move on. Your girlfriend is still attached to her previous boyfriend, is pregnant with his child, and is not able to sustain a monogamous relationship with you. What more do you need to know?

***

I come from Slovakia, I am married and have a four year old child . In the last few months my husband had refused to communicate with me. I did not why. But the last week of February he told me he is chatting with a few women and he started to talk with one of them very seriously. He called her, but she refused him. Now he found another woman and he is chatting with her. I am unhappy, he is very different man than when we first met. I would like to ask you about help. What should I do? I thought a lot about divorce, but I love him very much.

You are in a tough situation because you have a four year old child. I suggest that you tell your husband that if he continues these liaisons with other women, he is putting your marriage in jeopardy. Tell him you want to seek marriage counseling with him to find out why there has been a change in his behavior and in order to strengthen your marriage. You both owe it to your child to create a loving marriage. If he refuses to stop his behavior and to seek counseling, you will have to decide whether it would be better for your child and yourself to move on. Under what circumstances will your child have a happier mother? Divorced or living with a man who is having affairs with other women?

***

I am a divorced 25 year old woman and mother of two children. Men usually say that I am beautiful and attractive, but I don't see myself that way. I hate the way my body looks, I used to be very big and I've lost a lot of weight and because of this my body looks really good with my clothes on but horrible without them. I met this guy and I am crazy about him but I am really ashamed of my body and I fear that he is going to be disappointed and reject me once he sees me naked. I know that if he does that he won't be worth it, but the thing is that I don't think I can handle that kind of rejection. It is so much my fear that I've considered telling him that I don't want to see him ever again, so I won't have to deal with his rejection . What can I do?. How can I change the way I feel about myself?

You should be proud of yourself for having lost weight. Often women who have been overweight and subsequently lost a lot of weight, find that their body-image is somewhat distorted. They have difficulty incorporating their new body into their self-image. Additionally, often after losing weight, there is a lot of flabbiness remaining due to skin stretching, etc. I suggest the following:

Get into group psychotherapy and/or a support group for people who have or had weight problems. These groups can help you develop a more positive self-image and great self-confidence.
Before simply leaving this man, have a conversation with him. Talk honestly with him about your fears. Men and women all have issues regarding their bodies. We live in a body-conscious society. Men are concerned with everything from their love-handles to the size of their penis. You might be very surprised with his response.

***

After having intercourse and orgasm, should the male be expected to continue trying to give clitoral orgasm to his partner or is it more normal for him to become disinterested and not perform this?

Are sexual relationships all about you and your needs? Does you partner matter to you? If you are in a relationship and if you care about your partner, her needs should matter. So the answer is simple; yes, you should be a less selfish lover and learn to pleasure your partner as well as yourself. Sexual relationships are similar to intimate dancing, where each partner is trying to make their partner look good on the dance floor.

***

I have a good relationship with my husband. The marriage is the second for both of us. He has come out of an abusive first marriage, (with a diagnosed borderline woman). Sometimes, when we argue, I sense that he loses his connection with me, and our issue, and begins to tap into the hurt and pain from his first marriage. The anger he has is then discharged in our argument, and I feel helpless to bring him back to me. Can I do anything to address this in our relationship?

Your husband may need to seek some psychotherapy in order to work through his residual feelings about his previous marriage. You might be able to lessen the impact of these episodes by having a conversation with him when there is no argument. Tell him how it feels to you when these behaviors occur. Presumably he is aware of the inappropriate anger he feels when the two of you argue. The two of you may then be able to come up with a plan for how you can signal him the next time you argue that he might be reacting with greater intensity than warranted. You can then take a time-out for him to calm down before continuing the argument.

***

I recently found pictures of my husband's ex-girlfriend in the bathroom. When questioned he admits that he used them to masturbate. I am deeply hurt by this and can't seem to get over it. He claims he only used these pictures because he was bored of his regular magazines and videos he had of us. Should this trouble me or is this a sign that he is not satisfied with what I've provided?

This may be symptomatic of something amiss in your relationship or it may be indicative of your husband's continued attachment to his ex. Perhaps you and your husband ought to be examining how the two of you can create a more intimate relationship and a more passionate, exciting, and interesting romantic life including your sexual relationship. Men tend to approach sex as a only a physical act not realizing that the emotional connection is equally if not more important.

***

Retarded Ejaculation

2006-01-26T11:35:00.000-08:00

My partner has retarded ejaculation. We have been together for six months and have good sex. We are roughly same age I am 50 and he is 49. Prior to our relationship he had not had sustained relationships with other women. He has confided that prior to meeting me he masturbated to pornographic movies and visited female sex workers. He reports he had difficulty achieving orgasm and ejaculating with sex workers, however as he was able to successfully attain ejaculation during masturbation. An added complication is that he is HIV carrier; we use condoms. He acknowledges he worries he will infect me. He seems to have had this problem as far back as he can remember even prior to the HIV diagnosis. I am nervous about discussing this continually as I do not want to impede an otherwise good sexual life. We are able to talk about everything together and he regards me as his soul mate. I think this must be incredibly frustrated when he cannot climax. Is there anything we can do to change this situation?

There are many reasons for "retarded ejaculation," mostly having origins in psychological factors. The two most common reasons for this condition are fears of impregnating a woman and the need to control the level of intimacy; both can be simultaneously present. The former reason is self-explanatory; the latter is more complicated. Many men have conscious or unconscious attitudes about intimacy and sex. They can either be emotionally intimate or sexually intimate but not both with the same woman. These men are often capable of climaxing with prostitutes, but not with a partner with whom they are intimately attached. Since you report that he has not been able to ejaculate even when participating in anonymous or non-intimate sex with "sex workers," it appears that the issue may be related to the former issue. Without having direct contact with him for a detailed exploration of his psychological and sex history, it is not possible for me to determine etiology.

That being said, I can suggest that your partner has been training himself for many years not to ejaculate inside of a woman, in effect practicing a form of birth control. Now with being HIV positive, he has the added fear of transmitting the virus. This would be sufficient to create a problem for most men. In this regard, I would strongly suggest that he find a professional psychologist to talk with in order to help deal with the psychological implications of being HIV positive, i.e., what it means to him to be HIV positive. I would also be interested in knowing how he contracted the virus. If he contracted it through sexual intercourse, for example, this could serve to confirm his unconscious beliefs in the dangers of sexual intercourse and ejaculation.

There are several things that the two of you can practice that might help alleviate the situation, but there are no guarantees. Since you report that he is able to achieve orgasm through masturbation with the aid of pornography, it appears that he has trained himself to be sexually aroused to hardcore, sexually explicit material rather than through emotionally connected intimacy. He has separated sexuality from intimacy, relegating sexuality to mere release. Continuing this practice of isolating sexuality to self-stimulation exacerbates the problem. What is necessary to bring a live partner -- namely you -- with whom he is emotionally connected into his sexual activity thereby transferring the sexual experience to interactive sexuality.

So for starters you might begin by watching some pornography together to promote a sexual response while touching and caressing each other. What we would want to do here is eventually to have you bring him to climax manually rather than him doing it to himself. The key, however, is to connect the sexual response to an overall emotional and physical connection with you rather than to the pornography. Gradually, as success is achieved in this manner with you bringing him to climax (beginning with both of you fondling him so that he can show you how he likes to have it done), you can attempt penetration even if it requires disengagement to complete the ejaculatory process manually. With practice in graduated increments a complete transfer might be achieved. I say "might be achieved" because there are so many complications involved: the number of years that he has practicing his own form of sexual response, the HIV, using a condom which decreases sensitivity, and whatever other psychological factors might be in play.

My Husband Is Not Attracted to Me

2006-01-14T17:37:00.000-08:00

My husband is not attracted to me AT ALL. We have been together almost three years. We are both 36 years old and this is the second marriage for both of us. The first six months of our relationship was great; we had sex two or three times a week. In the last two years I think we have had sex five times. We have had sex twice in the last year. Now I am eight months pregnant. Every time I try to talk to him about our sex life, it turns into a huge argument. I am at my wits end and considering leaving him after the baby is born. He says he loves me, but is stressed out from work. Or he accuses me of only being interested in sex; he calls me a whore because I ask him for sex. I am an attractive woman and I never have had this problem with anyone in my life. Please help me!!!

Unfortunately, yours is not an uncommon story. All too frequently I hear tales of how relationships that began with passion and romance change within the first year. Often these relationships were more about lust or desparation than about love, and more about conquest than about intimacy. Once the dating period is over and the conquest accomplished, the parties often find that they have little in common, especially in the areas that matter. Things get worse when they marry because the relationship is taken for granted as one or both parties focus on work and other areas of personal interest. They forget that making a marriage fulfilling demands that each party work at it, e.g., keeping the romance alive through a weekly date night.

It is similar to planting a garden. Once planted the flowers must be attended to; they must be nourished and fed, watered, and pruned. If not they will die and weeds will take over the once beautiful flowers. All too often peope fear intimacy and commitment. In the most successful marriages, the parties were best friends prior to marriage and continue to be best friends afterwards.

You do not indicate the basis for your marriage. Nor do you say how long your have been married. The sex diminished after the first six months of the relationship, yet you still married. Why wasn't the problem addressed right away? And why did you decide to have children? Were you operating on the "biological clock" issue? There are too many unanswered questions to give very specific counsel. I can say this, however. Now that you are going to have a baby you have a responsibility to give this marriage your best shot. And that means telling your husband that you are unhappy with the marriage. That love alone is not enough. That he is disrespecting you when he calls you a "whore" and tries to make you bad for wanting greater physical and emotional intimacy. Tell him that you want him to go with you for marriage counseling and that if he does not go with you, then you are considering divorce. The two of you owe this much to your child, if not to one another.

Too Little Affection

2005-11-11T18:13:00.000-08:00

My husband is leaving me because he says I don't show him enough affection. I grew up in a home that was emotionally distant. My siblings and I never showed any signs of affection to my parents or to each other and and my parents did not show affection toward us. It has never been a problem, because we understand that we all care and love each other. I told my husband that I would go to counseling to work on how can learn to show affection. I would like to explain to him this is a legitimate issue and that a lot of people experience it. He says that I'm the only one with this issue and I can easily solve it by changing. Is there a name for this problem, so I can show him this is legitimate and I need help with it?

You are quite right in believing that there are many people who, because of upbringing, early childhood experiences, and cultural factors, have difficulty being demonstrative with their affection. You are to be applauded and encouraged for your willingness to seek professional help. When children are raised in an unemotional, unaffectionate environment, they often experience various forms of attachment difficulties ranging from difficulty in forming intimate relationships, sharing feelings, feeling comfortable with physical contact, being emotionally detached from people, and so on. The list goes on with many variations.

In some cultures it is very common for people, men and women, hug and kiss one another as a way of greating one another; men kissing men and holding hands is just as common for women. In some cultures and some families it is frowned upon for two men to embrace. Without exploring your specific circumstances it would be difficult for me to tell whether your difficulties are culturally learned behaviors or whether there is an underlying attachment issue or other psychological difficulty with physical intimacy. That would be the function of the trained professional with whom you choose to consult.

Affects of Statutory Rape

2005-11-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend had his first sexual encounter at age 12 with a female troop leader; he considers it to have been consensual and positive. By age 15 he was having sex with his English teacher. Now he's 27 and he's had at least 150 sex partners, numerous orgies, and can't abstain from sex for more than a month. He's excessively proud of his sexual prowess and skill. I'm not judging him. But is this 'healthy' or 'normal'? My instincts tell me something is wrong as evidenced by his sexual control, trust, and commitment issues. Could these early sexual experiences with women in positions of authority have caused these issues? What kind of psychological damage, if any, could he have?

Legally your boyfriend was raped by both the troop leader and his teacher. Adults who have sex with minors can be prosecuted for statutory rape, regardless of whether the act was considered consensual by the minor. It is an abuse of power. It is even more egregious when the adult his someone entrusted to care for the minor. Such behavior is a violation of that trust. You described a fairly common result.

The process often often goes something like this: an adolescent boy is seduced by an adult in authority. As most adolescents he considers it somewhat of a feather in his cap for having an older woman show sexual interest in him. While he is physically mature enough to engage in sexual behavior, he is far from emotionally mature enough to handle it. He cannot talk to anyone about his experience because he feels guilty, perhaps ashamed and protective of the adult. He thus may feel estranged from his peer group, his parents, and others. As he grows up he begins trying to work out some of the internal struggles. He may become sexually promiscuous, seeking women whom he can control in the manner in which he was controlled by the troop leader and teacher. He wants to do to them what was done to him. He has to repeatedly prove that it is he who is in control, not the other way around. Genuine, mature intimacy is difficult for these men. They have difficulty trusting women; in your boyfriend's case, the two women who were supposed to take care of him failed him. They took care of themselves at his expense. They controlled him through the power of their position and took advantage of him; he was vulnerable.

Psychotherapy can be very helpful to men who have been molested, even if they claim to have enjoyed it and found it to a positive experience. It gives them opportunity to explore their feelings and discover the long term, often unconscious, affects these early experiences had on them. The result of effective treatment is that they become capable of engaging in an intimate, loving relationship with a woman where loving sex becomes integral to the relationship.

Desperate Mother

2005-10-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

I am 38 year old mother of four school age children. I am working two jobs and have been in a relationship for two years with a man with who has two teenagers. His children don't like me and my children are not wild about him. We have fallen in love; or I think it is love. A month ago he got drunk and proposed. I said "someday" even though my gut said no. I am now trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship. I don't think we are compatible. My children say he is not the one and deep down I know it too. I don't want to hurt him. I owe him a lot, mostly financially. I have never been alone. I am afraid of letting go of something that maybe God wants me to have and I don't know it. I am very ill now trying to figure this out. HELP?!

You life is quite busy, even somewhat overwhelming. Being a mother of four and holding down not one, but two jobs has got to daunting. I can understand your wanting a partner, both as a psychological support and from a financial perspective. The big question is whether this is the right relationship for you. Your gut is telling you that this relationship is not for you. Your children say the same thing as your gut. Your brain agrees with both your gut and your children. Three votes against. Even his children seem to believe that this relationship is not right. Yet you are still ambivalent, even trying to figure out whether God has the time to intervene in your life and has ordained this relationship. Not likely. He gave human beings free will and the ability to choose. The real question is whether you have the courage to make the decision that you know is correct for you and whether you will be able to deal with knowing that you may have hurt him. This pain will pass in a while for both of you. The pain of being in a relationship that is not fulfilling, however, will continue to grow. As the song says, "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, and know when to walk away..."

Is Once a WeekToo Much?

2005-10-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

After 25 years of marriage our sex life is not bad, but my husband believes he is "entitled" to sex at least once a week. Sometimes even that feels like too much for me, and I don't like to be "pressured" into having sex if I don't feel like it. We are in our 60s. Is there a normal, or average, amount of sex for people our age? What is the appropriate response when one partner wants sex once a week and one doesn't?

I am often asked the question as to what in the normal or average frequency for a couple to engage in sexual activity. The answer is simply that normal or average is not a relevant question when it comes to frequency. What is relevant is whether the sexual connection meets the needs of both parties involved and how the couple negotiates on how that need will be met. Too many couples think about frequency of sex as though there were an absolute standard. And when they think of sex they only think of sexual intercourse. Sexual intimacy is more than just intercourse. In involves an entire array of experiences shared between two parties. Perhaps if you and your husband viewed your sex life as an opportunity to connect with one another, to be romantic with one another, to get to truly know one another emotionally as well as physically, it might not feel so obligatory and "pressured" as you have described it. When was the last time the two of you took a bath together with candlelight and music? How long has been since your gave one another a full body massage with fragrent body lotion and soft music playing? Have you ever made picnic on the bedroom floor with a bottle of wine and your favorite delicasies? These are all part of a sexual relationship and you might enjoy them more than once a week and so might your husband. Being 60 years old has nothing to do with knowing how to make love; and making love is more than merely having intercourse.

Intimacy and Kissing

2005-10-16T06:36:00.000-07:00

Why would a partner who has no reservations about any other sexual or sensual experience refuse to kiss? He likes to experiment with anything new I ask him to do, even toys, but does not kiss me.

That's a question that should be asked of your partner. Kissing is a very intimate act. It creates too great a sense of closeness, a commitment that they do not want to make. Prostitutes often do not kiss their clients for this reason. They simply avoid it. Kissing is the first sensual act we learn. We kiss our parents and our children. So can become the most intimate sensual act, whereas during sexual intercourse we can detach ourselves from the experience. It becomes simply a physical act rather than an act of connection to our partner.

You mentioned all of the adventurous things that your partner is willing to participate in. But you do not say anything about intimacy. Activities that are purely sexual in nature are not necessarily intimate. They are playful. Kissing makes the event more intimate. Furthermore, in order for a couple to enjoy kissing, they must practice. However, some people have difficulty telling their partner that they do not like the way the partner kisses...or that their breath smells.

Sex Is Boring

2005-10-16T06:32:00.000-07:00

I am a twenty-seven year old who is married, but find sex boring; I feel like it is a mandatory thing for me to do. How can Imake myself want to make love again with my husband instead of feeling that it is merely an obligation?

You question "...make love again with my husband..." is very revealing. It suggests that at one time you did enjoy sex with your husband. So what happened? Apparently something went awry in the course of your marriage and in your sexual relationship in particular. Making love is similar to dancing. Each party must learn how to dance with a partner; it takes practice. And you must be innovative, experimenting with new steps. However, if there is a problem in the relationship, there isn't going to be much motivation to be adventurous and exploratory. So the first step is explore the nature of your relationship. Is the marriage going stale because there is little effort being expended on one or both your parts to keep the romance alive in the relationship? Are you taking each other for granted? Sexual excitement in a marriage is about what happens outside of the bedroom as well as inside the bedroom.

Masturbation

2005-10-16T06:29:00.000-07:00

I am away from my girlfriend for a while and masturbate a lot. Does this affect my sperm count in any way or affect my sexualperformance?

Masturbation will not affect your sperm count. Masturbation in and of itself will not affect sexual performance. However, if you are practicing rapid masturbation, i.e, trying to finish quickly, you might be building a habit of rapid ejaculation. Also, the recovery time required between ejaculations varies from person to person. Hence, if you require a lengthy recovery time then trying to have intercourse shortly after masturbation may require a longer time to ejaculate again. The younger men are, the shorter the recovery time.

She Loves Him, But Doesn't Like Him

2005-10-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

I love my husband but I don't like him as a person. We have two kids together whom we both adore. But he can be a very cold hearted, insensitive jerk whom no one wants to deal with. And on top of everything else, he has such a short temper that everything upsets him and we end up not speaking for days at a time. Our vacations and holidays routinely get ruined because we get into an argument over something or other. Believe me, some of those reasons are so menial it's not even worth mentioning. I've been with him 10 years and almost divorced once before, but nothing seems to work. I try to deal with his attitude the best way that I can, but I'm running out of patience. What do I do with the relationship?

You love your husband, but you don’t like him. You both love your kids. Is the marriage that you have and is the way in which you and your husband interact the model you both wish to imbed in your children? Your children’s attitudes about marriage, about men and women, are being formed by watching you and your husband. Exposing them to your husband’s outbursts, to his coldness, and your silence, is not in their best interests. Perhaps if you suggest to your husband that since you know he adores the children, he is not serving them well by letting his temper get out of control. Ask him what he thinks your children’s memories will be of family vacations. Ask him if he would like for your daughter to marry a man who treats her the way in which he treats you. Ask him if he would want his son to treat his wife the way he treats you. Ask him if he would like your children to have a marriage like yours. Tell him, if he does not like the picture, he must do something to change it. Your children will model after you. What you do matters and will affect them for the rest of their lives. If this catches his attention, suggest that you both seek the help of a marriage counselor and that he seek the help of a psychologist specializing in anger management. If this does not catch his attention, then it might be necessary for you to follow through on thoughts about separation. Sometimes a mule needs to be hit over the head with a two-by-four just to catch his attention!

To Believe or Not Believe: Is He Cheating?

2005-10-15T10:52:00.000-07:00

I had suspected my husband of cheating for maybe 9-10 months with a co-worker of his. I confronted him numerous times and he has denied it, but I could feel him pulling away little by little. I got a hold of our detailed billing for our cell phones and found numerous calls to this certain co-worker and confronted him and his response was that they were just friends. But they would call each other 10-12 times a day at work. We are now separated and I am not sure if I should believe him.

Let’s see... you confronted your husband on numerous occasions with your allegations. Now you have hard evidence that your husband has been having an intimate relationship (10-12 phone calls a day sound pretty intimate even if they are not having sex!), he continues to deny it, your separated, and now you are wondering whether you should believe him. The fact is, you don’t believe him and every bone in your body says he has been cheating on you. If you need more evidence, call up the woman. You have the phone number. Find out from her. Your letter does not say how you and your husband came to separate. Is he missing something in the marriage that he is getting from her? Did you leave or did he? Is he seeing this other woman romantically now? Does he want to make the marriage work? If so, make an appointment with a marriage counselor and get to work on it. If he doesn’t want to go for help with marriage, you will have further evidence that something is amiss.

Unhappily Married

2005-10-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

I'm a 53 year old male, currently separated for over two years from a partner with whom I lived for nearly17 years before getting married. The marriage took place despite the fact that we were having extreme stresses and difficulties at that stage of our relationship. After the marriage, I was unsettled and unhappy about the relationship, and I resented the marriage, but I went along because my wife thought it was the right thing to do for financial security reasons. I then had an affair which precipitated the separation. I think I'm still very much in love with the other woman, but I can't face divorce because of the pain I will cause, but I also know I will be resigned to the marriage. What steps should I take to resolve my conflict?

It appears that you have been unhappy for over half of your life.You married despite all of the warning signals that this relationship was not going well. Apparently neither of you decided that it was either time to quit or, at the very least, to seek professional help for yourselves and the relationship.I think it is about time that you took a good hard look at yourself and what you want out of life. You seem to be rather passive in your life, taking direction from women. You might want to think about what you want your life to be; what are your vision, your mission, and your values? Once you have a vision, you should then take steps toward achieving that vision. It is difficult to say from your brief description of your situation whether a life coach or a psychotherapist would be in the better position to help you.In either case, however, it is high time that you sought consultation for the next chapters of your life.

Relationship With A Married Man

2005-10-15T10:24:00.000-07:00

I was stupid enough to have a relationship with a married man. We've been together for two years. He has been married for nine years. Recently, his wife who has always been emotionally abusive, found out about us and has done a complete turn around. She is suddenly willing to go to therapy, to think about his needs, etc. after nine years of the absolute opposite behavior. He says he loves me and has always maintained that he wont let her 'trap' him again (they were married because she got pregnant). Yet she's once again manipulated him (even after she kicked him out of his home, wrote me a letter about how terrible he is, and forbade him from talking to his kids) and he's decided to "give her another chance". I love him too much to let her hurt him again and I see it happening all over. What do I do?

The short answer to your question is “bail.” It is time for you to move on and create a life for yourself without him. Having an affair with a married man, especially with children, and expecting him to leave his wife because he says he loves you, is an old story. Unfortunately a great many women fall for it, thinking that they will be the one who is going to be so loved that the man will be willing to sacrifice his family for her. More often than not, these women have a great need to be able to prove that they can be loved more the man’s current wife. Some say, that this stems from an unconscious wish for their fathers to love their daughter more than they loved their wives. Regardless of the reasons why you were available to have an affair with a married man (that’s something to be discussed with your psychotherapist), the bottom line is that you should bid him a fond farewell. He is a big boy, making grown up decisions. He does not need saving. But perhaps you do.

Relationship Infidelity

2005-10-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

I am a 25 year old woman and my man continuously cheats on me. Is there anything that I can do sexually that can maybe deter him from cheating?

When a man cheats on a woman it rarely has anything to do with his partner per se; it may have a lot to do with the nature of the relationship. The issue is more likely to be about commitment and the character of the one who is cheating. It demonstrates an unwillingness to honor a commitment and self-centered attitude. Since you say that he "continuously cheats on me" it suggests that you have permitted this type of behavior and he knows that he can get away with it. It also suggests that you suffer from low self-esteem since you have remained in a relationship with someone who has little respect for you.

Erectile Difficulties

2005-10-15T10:17:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend and I have only been having sex for a few months now. We are both 19. Sometimes he has trouble getting an erection and once he has one he loses it very easily. Isn't he too young for this? Its really aggravating and troubling to him. I hope you can help me!

Erectile difficulties most often are a function of psychological factors, especially in young men. Some men have performance anxiety, some have fears of impregnating a woman, some suffer from guilt regarding sex; and these are only a few of the psychological issues men experience. I suggest that your friend contact a certified sex therapist to make an appointment to address the issue.

Speaking Up About Likes

2005-10-15T10:15:00.000-07:00

I am a 41 year old woman. I want my husband to be a little more forceful when we have sex, but he's afraid he will hurt me. I've told him many times, but he just doesn't get it. Any tips on how I can get it through his head?

Perhaps if you took the lead to show your husband what it is that you want, he would get the idea. Sexual relatiohships are similar to ballroom dancing. Someone has to take the lead. Often when you tell a man what you want, he experiences it as being bossed around or he feels that he is not doing his job. Men usually want to please their women. However, they need to know exactly what is expected. You have to spell out and/or demonstrate what you mean by "more aggressive." He can then follow your lead. And don't forget to do it lovingly, rather than critically or demandingly. Make it fun.

Rapid Ejaculation

2005-10-15T10:08:00.000-07:00

Whenever I masturbate, it seems I can do it for 20 - 30 minutes. But when I have sex with my girlfriend, I can't last more than 5 minutes. Can you give me some tips on how I can last longer when I have sex with my girlfriend?

In masturbation the focus is on ejaculation through fantasy and controlled hand-movement. In sexual intercourse the focus should be on love-making. There is a lot more going on in love-making and a lot more stimulation. All of the senses are involved. Hence, in sexual intercourse you have a lot less control than you have during masturbaton. Focus more on making love with your girl friend with less emphasis on intercourse and ejaculation. Slow down the activity and do not thrust as much. Masturbation is all about thrust-like movement. This not the case with intercourse. When you do have intercourse, relax your body and slow down your movements. Take your time paying attention to all of the sensations so that you can gain more information about when you are about to ejaculate and then pause. With practice and relaxation, you should be able to gain more control.

Parenting Interferes With Sex Life

2005-10-15T09:07:00.000-07:00

My wife and I have been fighting all night about sex. She wants me to get her more in the mood. I work all the time so it's very hard for me to do that and have sex, but I feel as if she's never in the mood. She never tries to have sex with me except maybe once a week and it's always when I get off work. When we first got together we had sex all the time. Then our daughter was born. I didn't think it would change anything since were both very sexual, but her sex drive seemed to stop and mine seemed to sky rocket. What should we do?

Perhaps you ought to try being a little more understanding of your wife rather than thinking only of your own needs. After as woman has a baby, lots of things change. Her body changes, her hormones, her mental attitude changes. Giving birth takes a lot out of a woman; it is called "labor" for a reason. Having a regular job is a lot easier than tending to the needs of a child 24/7. She is alert all through the night for the sounds of her child. He snores through the night. Learning to be a good lover is more than just being sexual. It is about creating an empathic connection with your partner. Being a good lover is more about what goes on between the partners emotionally than it is about what goes on between your legs. If you want your wife to be more sexually responsive to you, you might want to try to be more emotionally responsive to her. As partners grow together, sexual activity becomes more like slow-dancing than doing acrobatics and trying to get off. It is more about connecting than it is about climax. You might also try to make romance a priority rather than relegating sexuality to the thing you do before going to sleep. By then, both of you are tired.

*************

My husband and I are both 25 years old and have been married for five years.We have a four year old son. It seems that we are constant in battle with one another.Now we argue about sex. He gets angry when I do want to have sex as much as he does. I am willing to have make love with him once a week. However, I used to enjoy sex, now it is a duty. In addition to raising our son, I try to do things around the house to make him happy. It seems that nothing I can do will please him. I would love to feel the way I used to about him and about love-making. What can I or we do?

You and your husband married at 20 years of age and shortly thereafter had a child. You were barely out of your teens. You have a big responsibility taking care of child, a house and a husband. You don’t say much about your relationship, but I surmise that you and your husband may not have learned how to communicate well and probably don’t have common interests other than your child. Most couples who marry young have only their parents as models for marriage, and those models are not usually very good. So you are left to find out for yourself about what it means to be married. Children take up a great deal of time. They can be exhausting.It is easily a two-person job. Some couples learn how to share the responsibilities. Others, grow apart, each pursuing their own interests. This is a recipe for disaster Sex becomes the only point of intimate connection. And when that is problematic, there is no point of connection. In your situation it sounds like neither your child nor sex is seen as a way to connect with one another. I suggest that you seek the help of a competent marriage counselor – together – to discuss how you might find ways to re-vitalize and re-invent your marriage. Marriage counseling can afford each of you the opportunity to discuss the issues that are driving you apart.You owe this to your child and to each other.

MEET DR. DREYFUS

2005-10-15T07:27:00.000-07:00

The blog consists of answers to questions posed by visitors to my website. This blog was created to permit a more rapid response to these questions and to permit others with similar concerns to benefit from the response. For additional questions and answers that have already been posted, you are invited to visit my website by clicking here. You can ask your own questions on the blog by going to "Ask Dr. D." Complete the form there and periodically check back on the PSYCHOLOGICALLY SPEAKING blog to find your reponse.

I have been in private practice in the Los Angeles-Santa Monica area of Calfiornia for over 30 years working with a variety of people dealing with problems of adolescence and adult life.

I am a Clinical Psychologist, a Marriage, Family, Child Therapist, a Certified Sex Therapist and a Life Coach. I received a Doctor of Philosophy degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Kansas and a Master's and Bachelor's degrees from the City University of New York. Other credentials include: Fellow of the American Psychological Association; Diplomate, American Board of Sexology; Fellow, International Council of Sex Education and Parenthood of the American University, Diplomate in Professional Psychotherapy, International Academy of Behavioral Medicine, Counseling, and Psychotherapy. Fellow and Diplomate, American College of Forensic Examiners.

I am listed in the National Register of Health Services Providers in Psychology. In 1996, I received the "Distinguished Psychologist" award from the Los Angeles County Psychological Association.

I have published extensively in professional journals and has published six books. My most recent books, KEEPING YOUR SANITY (in an Insane World),offers a collection of practical essays for your psychological well-being and SOMEONE RIGHT FOR YOU: 21st CENTURY STRATEGIES FOR FINDING YOUR MATE offers a step-by-step program for finding an appropriate mate for you. I am active in community affairs, a member of national, state and local professional associations and I am frequently sought by the media for my expert opinion on many contemporary social and psychological issues. For detailed information on my background please visit my website.