Thoughts That Keep Me Awake (At Least Until I Write Them Down)

...just because

2009-04-07T15:30:00.001-07:00

Every time I see one of those trucks on the road that have big letters CFI painted on the side, it makes me wish I could paint the word "care" behind it.

Doggies

2009-03-27T17:38:00.000-07:00

Why can't dogs entertain themselves? Well... at least in a way that I approve of? Sure they can dig in the trash and chew on something for an entertainment, but I do not approve of those things. Why do they follow me around everywhere I go? And why are they so darned optimistic? I can go into the kitchen a hundred times (which I do every day) and they will follow me in there every single time in hopes that I will give them something out of the fridge.

Howdy

2008-03-06T21:46:00.000-08:00

I hope this works, I don't know what I'm doing. I swiped my son's camera after Mallory used it this past weekend. She had to interview her grandpa and grandma about WWII for a history project. So I've uploaded videos to YouTube now, can you believe it?

2007-09-15T15:53:00.000-07:00

Something I don’t understand about any diet I’ve ever been on: When they put grapefruit on a diet, a serving is always HALF a grapefruit. Good grief, how much is it going to hurt me to eat the whole thing? Is it going to push me over the limit on calories that day?

Oh and speaking of counting calories, I'm unsure of which day to put the midnight snack on. Does it count as the day before, therefore it’s in my past and I can forgive myself and forget about it? Or do I count it as my upcoming day? Or divide them fifty-fifty?

I swear to Cod I won't tell.

2007-09-10T20:30:00.000-07:00

I sent a friend of mine an email once and asked her to keep it confidential. She wrote back to me that she promised not to tell a sole. Now I have to wonder... is this a loophole in getting around having to keep a good, juicy secret? By pretending to swear not to tell, but technically she’s not going to tell a fish. Or the bottom of a shoe?

2007-09-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

Hey, I’m halfway to realizing my dream of becoming an eccentric millionaire. No, I don’t have $500,000.00. I just meant that I’ve got the eccentric part down pat.

I'm only trying to help...

2007-09-06T23:24:00.000-07:00

I wonder if my neighbors appreciate all the trouble I go through to keep my lawn looking so shabby. I only do this for their benefit. Just being near mine will always make their yards look great.

Well, truthfully, it’s not that much trouble, but it’s the thought that counts.

What's Behind Door Number 2

2007-04-18T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ok imagine a bathroom with 5 stalls. You're comfortably seated in the first stall minding your own "business" when a woman enters the restroom, goes directly into the second stall, and takes a big poo.

Now it happens that I was the person in that first stall. And I thought to myself, "How rude! If I were her, I would have gone down to the last stall to do that!"

Being the kind of person who likes confirmation that I'm always right, I asked an authority later that evening: "Mallory, If you had to poo at school, and someone was already in the first stall, would you sit RIGHT BY THEM to do that, or go down to a stall as far away as you could?"

She answered that she would, indeed choose the stall inches away from the first occupant.

"WHY?" I asked, horrified – in my best "where did I go wrong in raising you?" tone of voice.

"Because if someone else walked in, they wouldn't know which one of us was taking the poo."

2007-02-16T18:52:00.000-08:00

Back when I was married, my husband made a rude comment about the scent of my hair. I had just been to the hair salon for my annual haircut. The stylist had used some lovely smelling Aveda shampoo and conditioner. I loved the aroma, and whipped my hair around and remarked at least 150 times about how wonderful it was, "Doesn't it smell good? SMELL it!"

"It smells like dog shampoo", was his reply.

So knowing he didn't like it, I immediately bought a gallon of each: shampoo and conditioner. And made sure to wash my hair with them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Today is the one year anniversary of our divorce, and it just occurred to me to wonder... Did he mean it smelled like dog shampoo BEFORE, or AFTER it touched wet dog fur?

Memory Tip

2007-02-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

I thought of a great idea for my new camera phone - other than the 32 pictures of the cats that I've already taken. See, I have a really hard time remembering what size home air filter to buy. I always think I can remember, until I actually get to the store and get dizzy from all the choices. Some people might suggest that I write it down. Jotting down the numbers on a scrap of paper is good for one-time use only - assuming I head immediately for the store with it stapled to my shirt. Anyway, I only ever think about buying a new air filter on special occasions - like when I'm totally bored and feel like walking down every aisle of the grocery store or Wal-Mart. So see, that doesn't happen very often. I actually think I'm purty durn smart to come up with this idea. I don't care if someone has already thought of it, I'm still smart, I tell you! Now this would have come in really handy back when I had a husband that was ~~nagged~~ kind enough to run to the store and fetch feminine hygiene products for me. Apparently the choices down that aisle are much more overwhelming than the air filter section!

Wonder How This Ended???

2006-12-23T04:23:00.000-08:00

Good Lord, Mother!

Put the camera down!

It's 1962, there is no "America's Funniest Videos" - come help me before I pull this down on my head!

Don't Fan it MY Way...

2006-12-20T01:50:00.000-08:00

Mom? Do cats...? Whew! Never mind! I found out the answer!

Scanner Fun Part 2 (OK I'll Stop For Now Before I Get Carried Away)

2006-12-18T19:43:00.000-08:00

I don't want to hear any more of this "boys rule, girls drool BS. And stop looking at the TV when I'm talking to you! If you boys want to wake up alive in the morning you will let me in that stupid tent!"

Fun With The Scanner

2006-12-18T19:00:00.000-08:00

"Mom, I love the Ghostbuster tape you bought me, I've watched it 14,000 times. So you're telling me that if I suck up all that gray stuff with this Proton Pack I'll catch Slimer?"

"Yeah right, Mom! I think you're blowing smoke up my @$$ - this will never work without the Ecto Goggles!"

It's All or Nothin'

2006-12-05T20:36:00.000-08:00

Friend: "Remember when you used to have that stretching routine?"

Me: "Oh yeah, I was so faithful and diligent about it! Then suddenly dropped it like I've done everything else my whole life.

Friend: "Well, at least you're consistent."

BabyGirl Emailed A Picture To Me From Her Cell Phone

2006-07-17T16:09:00.000-07:00

The good news is, I really like my daughter's new hair color. The bad news is, I am not 100% sure that is her. That does look like the inside of my car, so the best news is that she had her seatbelt on.

2006-07-15T06:40:00.000-07:00

My friends and I were all up late one night sharing childbirth horror stories with the youngest woman in our group. Well, heck she was expecting her first baby; I think that is an open invitation to discuss episiotomies and fourteen day labors. But I got what I deserved. I went to bed thinking of epidurals, woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't feel anything from my waist down.

Growing up Ivy

2006-07-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

I wasn't a very good babysitter as a teenager. Oh, I wasn't terrible, I mean I didn't eat up all the food, or have a boyfriend (snort, ha ha!) over, or spend the whole night on the phone. No, my biggest problem was my inability to stay awake if the kids weren't. One father while driving me home late at night asked me if I had fallen asleep. This was back before hidden cameras were common, so I was pretty sure he couldn't prove it. But something told me I'd better tell the truth and I did. Then he said, “I was just wondering because you have an imprint of the TV Guide on your face”.

Overheard On The Elevator:

2006-07-10T19:09:00.000-07:00

"Hey, maybe I'll win the lottery and I can take a trip to Europe."

"Aaacckkk! Why in the world would anyone want to go to Europe? I'd much rather go to Italy!"

Puzzling Observation

2006-07-09T20:33:00.000-07:00

I was sitting on the bus, headed to work, busy with my Penny Press Variety puzzle book. I love the laddergrams and the anacrostics, but was busy at the time working on some good old cryptograms.

When the bus arrived downtown, the lady sitting next to me said, "Excuse me...." It was fairly obvious that she was impressed with my great intelligence and was very likely about to ask me how in the world I could do those puzzles so fast, and in pen!!!

And then she continued: "I thought you should know that your shirt is inside-out."

First I Was Afraid; I Was Petrified; Kept Thinking I Could Never Live if You Said, "Let Me Drive"....

2006-07-03T11:38:00.000-07:00

Current on life insurance policy - CHECK
Current on car insurance premiums - CHECK
Passenger side airbag activated - CHECK
Wearing clean underwear - CHECK

OK, I'm ready to start teaching my daughter to drive.

Happy Birthday!

2006-05-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

To my darling daughter Mallory, who is now 15; and to my friend Peter, who is a tad older than Mallory.

Where Has All My Money Gone? It Ran Away With My Memory

2006-05-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

My billfold has this strange Bermuda Triangle-like phenomenon going on. For example, sometimes I might go to pay for something and then ask myself, "Where's that 10 dollar bill that was in here?" After applying intense interrogation methods to determine the guilty party (I grill each of the usual suspects one by one: my son, my daughter, then the dog) - I try to recall every item I have purchased since the money was last seen. This is no easy task. When I start recalling different events, I keep distracting myself, interrupting myself, and just generally getting so sidetracked in my thoughts that I don't even remember what I was trying to bring to mind. But really, I guess that’s a whole other story…

You Can Make Your Son Help Remodel The Bathroom, But You Can't Prevent Him From Mocking Your Attempts To Document The Progress With A Camera

2006-05-05T14:39:00.000-07:00

Hey, 14

2006-05-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

I wonder if other people have a favorite substitute number that they use, like I do, for situations where the real number is not known, or is just not important. Mine is 14. Not necessarily my favorite number in the world (that’s number 8), but it’s my catch-all, works in every situation number. For example, I may say that I tried to call you fourteen times last night. The number can change depending on the degree of the exaggeration, like I may say that the water bill was fourteen hundred dollars this month, or that I have asked the kids to pick up their wet towels fourteen thousand times, or that I've consumed fourteen billion calories today. But in order for it to qualify as a favorite substitute number, the base number has to always stay the same.