Weird News

Proof Of Dolphin Amorality

2007-01-11T09:07:00.000-08:00

Political Dogs is reporting that dolphins were stranded off Massachusetts while trying to enter the United States apparently to obtain medical services covered under the state's universal healthcare system. The dolphins, many of them with serious medical conditions, several pregnant, were stranded near Cape Cod in what appears to have been an immigration akin to Cuban boat people. While humans have no evidence of dictators running amok within the dolphin world, it is clear that these dolphins needed significant medical attention and that they chose Massachusetts as their entry point to this country for a reason. Massachusetts only recently enacted universal healthcare. So it stands to reason these dolphins were coming here for that purpose.

Turkey Terrorism

2006-11-15T10:19:00.000-08:00

It you thought we'd seen enough with the animal-loving terrorists who harm people in order to make a statement about cruelty, think again. Now the examples these nuts have set are beginning to inspire animals to act aggressively against humans.

A wild turkey in Millstone Township, New Jersey dive-bombed a house and then destroyed part of the interior. This past Monday at 3:00 a flock of turkeys was observed casing a residence. At some point, one of the turkeys crashed into a window and broke into the home. New Jersey State police were immediately called. Trooper Richard Pogorzelski entered the home to see if the perpetrator was still lurking about but upon inspection realized the wayward bird had made a getaway - though not a clean one.

According to the home owner, "The bird had relieved himself all over. The room was a disaster." The bird did about $500 in damage to the bedroom of the homeowners' son, 8 year-old Jake. Perhaps not coincidentally, "jake" is what young male turkeys are called by human beings. The infiltrating jake found resident Jake's new $60 Abercrombie & Fitch shirt which he planned wearing to the family's Thanksgiving dinner and pooped all over it. The boy's mother said, "I don't know if it's salvageable."

Kim Jung-Il Lands Plane On First Try

2006-11-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

North Korean leader, Kim Jung-Il, tried flying an airplane for the first time according to the NK Independent Press. Amazingly, he managed to perform a perfect landing on the first shot without a co-pilot aboard. The only rub was he missed the runway and landed on the moon! According to reports, he lingered momentarily and only reluctantly decided to return to Earth because he had a golf game scheduled. Jung-Il is working on breaking his previous record score and was playing with a group of Chinese nuclear scientists who just happened to be on vacation in his country. North Korea doesn't have a space program per se but Jung-Il is now considering starting one.

Sniffing Out Crime?

2006-11-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

Dogs have nothing over Bartholomew County, Indiana Sheriff's Deputy Jimmy Green. Green was investigating the robbery of a local pizza delivery person when he decided to follow his nose - right to the criminals.

The robbery occurred when a man placed a pizza delivery order and then robbed the delivery person when she arrived at the bogus address given with the order. Police combed the area seeking eye witnesses to the crime. They went door to door asking neighbors if they had seen or heard anything. Nobody had but a keen sense of smell provided a clue.

Deputy Green went up to one neighbor's house and noticed the scent of pepperoni and sausage pizza. Upon further inspection he saw yellow pages open to the pizza delivery section. Officers followed Green's nose and found a couple pies as well as the cash stolen in the robbery!

The moral of this true crime saga is, if you want to rob a pizza delivery person, don't arrange for a delivery in your own neighborhood. But, if you do, at least have the intelligence to go out for Chinese afterwards.

Man Lacerates Penis with Hedgehog

2006-10-20T11:08:00.000-07:00

I guess it goes to show that witchdoctors still hold a lot of power in some places of the world...
A Serbian man needed emergency surgery after he had sex with a hedgehog on a witchdoctor's advice.

Zoran Nikolovic, 35, from Belgrade, says the witchdoctor told him it would cure his premature ejaculation.

But he ended up in an operating theatre after the hedgehog's needles left his penis severely lacerated.

A hospital spokesman said: "The animal was apparently unhurt and the patient came off much worse from the encounter. We have managed to repair the damage to his penis."
From Ananova

Wal-Mart Sued for Rectal Impalement

2006-10-20T02:14:00.000-07:00

This is actually old news, but I never heard about it. And you just can't make this stuff up!St. Petersburg, Florida - Lawyers representing a Bay area child are in a St. Petersburg courthouse…..taking on corporate giant Wal-Mart, and a product supplier seeking millions in damages.

The case centers around swimming pool toys known as dive sticks, supplied to Wal-Mart in the 1990's by a Clearwater based Florida Pool.

When Marcus Zunner was just three, he was hospitalized with a severe accident from a divestick.

Kimberly Zunner, Marcus' Mother:
“He slid into the pool on the slide and he landed on it and it went into his rectum.”
Justin Johnson, Marcus' Attorney:
“He suffered a rectal impalement of about an inch and a half. And he had open abdominal surgery, with a cholostomy.”

WalMart and Florida Pool, are expected to argue the dive sticks were safe, but that that the family misused them, by allowing the child to jump on the sticks in a shallow, inflatable kiddie pool.

The stick's are weighted to stand perpendicular to the bottom of the pool, and when they are three to seven feet underwater, kids often dive after them in order.

But in shallow water, they may stand just inches below the surface which was apparently what happened when Marcus jumped in.

In 1999, the Consumer Product Safety Commission ordered Florida Pool to recall 9,000,000 dive sticks.

The company responded in a news release.

Florida Pool, 1999 news release:
"Dive sticks are fun and enjoyable when used properly but are not to be used in shallow water."

That recall came after six known injuries were reported to the CPSC, and one year before Marcus' Zunner was hurt landing on a dive stick.

Justin Johnson, Marcus Zummer's Attorney:
“It subsequently was banned as a hazardous product.”

Those close to Marcus worry he will need a lifetime of medical care and multiple surgeries as a result of the dive stick accident at a young age.

Marcus Zunner is now nine, and according to his lawyer, is doing as well as can be expected.

His lawyer says Marcus will be here at points during the trial, but is not expected to testify.

Is This Actually Illegal?

2006-10-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

Scott William Poulton, an Australian man in his early 20s, was arrested for driving backwards on an empty highway in the Outback. Police were heading out onto the road when they saw a car coming towards them. They aimed their radar gun to check it out but were not astonished when they saw the car was approaching at a mere 56 km/hour (35 mph). They stopped the car when they realized it was "going the wrong way." The driver told them his transmission had "stuffed up" and the only gear he could use was reverse. So he did ... for about 20 km in an attempt to make it to the closest town.

Police gave the man a breathalyser to determine sobriety which he, of course, passed. The driver was charged with reckless driving and driving while under suspension. It is unfortunate his license was suspended but I wonder what he had done otherwise. Is it illegal to drive in reverse? If so, why are manufacturers allowed to put an illegal gear into a car?

For the record, this occurred on the Great Eastern Highway. The man was driving eastward. The cops were driving westward. Aren't the cops the ones who were going the wrong way?

Read more about this story:

news.com.au

metro.co.uk

Don't Mess Around With My Phone

2006-09-15T06:20:00.000-07:00

The Associated Press tells the tale of a woman who rented her phone rather than buy it. She rented it for a very long time, 42 years. Ultimately she paid $14,000 for the privilege! Her family recently discovered this and became angry. They put a stop to the rip-off and replaced her phone with a purchased, modern variety. The woman may never speak to them again, via phone or in person!

$14,000 is a lot of scratch unless you perform the simple mathematical operation of dividing it by 42 years. They don't teach that in schools anymore! But doing it yields just $333 per year or $28 per month. Most kids pay double that rate for the privilege of a "FREE mobile phone" these days!

The AP reports, customers could have opted out of their leases in 1985 but almost a million people did not. A spokesman for "the phone company" says, "We will continue to lease sets as long as there is a demand for them." And there are benefits to leasing like free replacements and newer models whenever a customer chooses.

The woman in question now has an extra few bucks each month but if her phone malfunctions, as all electronic gadgets do, she'll have to wait for someone to drive her to the store, when it is convenient for them, so she can purchase a replacement. She better put her new savings into a lockbox! Oh, and by the way, the woman doesn't care for the newfangled push-button phone. She says, "I'd like to have my rotary back. I like that better."

Premeditated?

2006-09-07T11:38:00.000-07:00

A woman shot her husband because he fatally shot her chicken in some God-forsaken town northwest of Eugene, Oregon. Police are sure the woman intended to shoot the man because she was pissed he shot her pet chicken. They filed charges against her for assault. They're not sure whether the man intended to shoot the chicken. No charges were reportedly brought against him. He used a handgun but she pulled out her full-blown rifle in reply. He shot the chicken straight up - from the front. She shot him in the back!

Did I mention the couple was doing yardwork but had been drinking all day Monday when the ... um ... gunfight broke out? Heck of a way to kick off the week. The moral of the story is, don't shoot your drunken wife's pet chicken but if you do, either don't turn your back on her or make sure her rifle is locked away in the closet first. Maybe you'd be better advised to get rid of any wife who has a chicken for a pet or a rifle she keeps with her while doing yard work.

Liberals Are More Likely To Suffer Heart Attacks

2006-08-01T10:20:00.000-07:00

In a recent study performed by researchers at Drew Fallon College near Redding, CA, suggests that people passionate in liberal causes tend to suffer more heart-related ailments.

Susan Belusco, who led the research, managed to gather three study groups, one group of 115 people claiming to be passionate over conservative causes, a second group of 115 claiming to be passionate over liberal causes, and a third group of 115 people who claiming not to pay much attention to political issues, dubbed the "neutral group".

"The conservative and neutral groups seemed to share similar vitals after testings on the EKG and the treadmill", notes Belusco. "Blood pressure readings didn't seem to vary much between these two groups. However, the liberal group showed remarkably higher number of people above the healthy blood pressure range, and treadmill tests suggested a higher number of people with weaker cardiac rhythm, and more stressed breathing."

Overall, Belusco notes the liberal group had an 18% higher rate of cardio-pulmonary risk factors, ranging from hypertension, to smoking, to being overweight.

A psychological analysis conducted by Belusco's assistant, Jonathan Fitz, showed that the liberal group tended to have more sleeping problems, and experienced higher cases of stress. "Tests we've conducted showed the liberal group tended to have higher feelings of hopelessness than with the conservative and neutral groups", Fitz explains.

Dr. Isao Yamashita, who studies the effects of current events on human behavior at Cowle Laboratories, Inc. in Payson, AZ, took an interest in the study and offered some explanations surrounding the results.

"Within the past 10 years, we've witnessed certain events that tend to weigh more heavily on people active in the liberal movement", says Yamashita. "News of global warming, Americans voting for more conservative politicians, the building of more Wal-Mart stores, these things and more are putting liberals under greater stress".

Yamashita also points to more clinical matters, such as a correlation of caffeine addiction with the increase of coffee houses, higher sodium intake with the popularity of tofu-based substitutes, and an increase in electro-magnetic radiation from driving hybrid cars.

Pronoun Trouble

2006-08-01T08:26:00.000-07:00

The waitrees calmly asked, "may I please see your identification" when the youngish-looking female customer requested she be served an adult beverage. The customer apparently had some difficulty decyphering the pronoun and promptly handed the waitress her drivers license, the waitress' drivers license, rather than her own. The waitress' drivers license had gone missing, perhaps been stolen, about a week prior. The customer was of legal age and presumably had a valid ID of her own with which to prove it. However, in her haste to produce "your identification," she handed the wrong one to the waitress. She'll be doing time as a result. Bad girl, bad girl, what you gonna do when they come for you!

Now do all you criminals finally understand why it is important to pay attention in school? This could easily have been avoided had the thief's grammar skills been slightly better.

Bionic Python Discovered!

2006-08-01T00:50:00.000-07:00

In Ketchum, Idaho, a 12-foot long snake resembling a Burmese Python was discovered in the woods outside of town. When animal control officers came in capture it, they noticed something unusual.

Dave Methlian, one of the officers on the scene noted that, "This thing was extremely fast, it slithered around about as fast as a dog could run". He went on to add that it's eyes seemed to glow red, "and it had these demonic eyes that looked like they were on fire."

They finally cornered the serpent by a fence in the back of a hardware store. Tranquilizer darts wouldn't put the thing down. All the usual tools, harnesses, nets, and hooks became overpowered by the extremely strong snake. When the python began charging towards the officers, Robert Kendall, another officer, racted quickly, "I just took out a gun, and shot it in the head."

It worked.

However, veterinarian Karen Thompson noticed something very unusual about the python upon examination at city's animal control center. "It had electrical wires running through it".

An autopsy revealed a network of electrical wires, circuitry, motors, and what appeared to be power source inside the snake. "It's a bionic snake" replied Thompson.

Authorities don't know where the snake came from, or how long it's been here. There are no leads as to who created it.

Robert Boyd, the city's electrical engineer was brought in to examine the inner-workings of the snake, and expressed amazement, "It's nothing I've ever seen before", he replied. "I mean, I've never even seen this kind of wiring before." He went on to describe the power source, "It's like a rectangular chamber with liquid inside. It appears to be Mercury."

While city officials invited researchers at nearby University of Idaho to come provide further analysis, they plan to keep the snake locally as a future tourist attraction.

Back Seat Driver

2006-07-24T16:55:00.000-07:00

New Book on the Problem of Male Breast Size

2006-07-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

You know the country has a problem with obesity when someone decides to publish a book about men with large breasts.

Merle Yost, a psychotherapist, has written "Demystifying Gynecomastia: Men With Breasts". In it, he reports that up to one-third of males may have to deal with this problem at some time, because of the increased use of anti-depressants and the obesity epidemic.

Yost himself claims to be have been affected since age 11...
"I was a skinny little boy who grew noticeable A-cup breasts. They called me 'tits' in junior high. Girls offered bras; boys twisted and taunted."
But what really got him motivated to write this book is all the public interest he got on his website. He posted a page about gynecomastia on his therapy practice website, and is apparently getting a lot of traffic to it.

Disguised as a Car Seat

2006-07-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

This illegal alien was caught at the U.S. Border disguised as a car seat.

Funny. In the USA, commuters have been known to sit a dummy on the passenger seat to sneak through the car pool lanes. In Mexico, they put a dummy inside the seat to sneak through the border!

The Wrong Way to Bare Your Midriff

2006-07-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

I realize that Summer is now here. But let's it get right, ok?

Your Astrological Ice Cream Sign

2006-06-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

An article published on AOL tries to predict what flavors of ice cream make you go nuts based on your astrological sign.

I'm a Pisces. Here's what it has to say about me...
You're a sensualist at heart, Pisces. You swoon for the luxurious mix of chocolate ice cream swirled with peanut butter, or a vanilla sundae with caramel topping, whipped cream and toasted nuts. Jamocha Almond Fudge is one of your favorites … the combination of creamy and nutty textures turns you on. You find Mint Chocolate Chip refreshing, and you adore the sensation of those thin chocolate strips melting on your tongue. Starbucks' Java Chip keeps you going when you're burning the candle at both ends.
I suppose I do love the coffee-based ice creams. I'm often found at a local Starbuck's sucking down on a Venti Mocha Frappuccino while tippy-tappying on my keyboard. But then, who doesn't like chocolate ice cream?

Booze Cruise

2006-06-07T09:24:00.000-07:00

For the truly lazy or those who are afraid to park too close to other cars when stepping out to catch a ball game at the local park, the Cruzin Cooler might be just what you're looking for. The Cruzin Cooler is basically a cooler with wheels and a scooter attached - see picture. This item comes in regular gas guzzling form, as well as, for the environmentally conscious, an electric variety. Both the electric and gas models come in differing power ranges for those in hilly areas or if you just need to cart around a bigger payload. It is available in several colors including blue, red, white, yellow, black to fit your asthetic senses and retails starting at under $350. If you've got a pooch you also need to cart around, the device can be purchased with an optional trailer, complete with rack & pinion steering, to hold Spike.

No word on whether you can be arrested for driving this sucker drunk!

If you are having trouble visualizing this scooter in action, check out the Video courtesy of ABC News.

Pitbull Knocked Out By Bambi

2006-06-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

A deer apparently out "wilding" in Wisconsin smashed through a window and entered an apartment Monday morning. Residents slammed the door shut when the deer ran into a bathroom. Unfortunately for Shadow, the family's pitbull, he also was locked inside the bathroom. Deer are clever so after this one knocked out the pitbull, it then turned on the faucets and flooded the apartment.

Cow Brains Now Banned From Lipstick

2006-06-06T23:52:00.000-07:00

Apparently, the Food and Drug Administration established a new regulation that bans the use of cow brains in lipstick. Apparently, cosmetic makers have been using cow brains and spinal cords to make lipstick.
The Food and Drug Administration has told cosmetics makers they can no longer use brain and spinal cord tissue from older cattle in lipstick, hair sprays, and other products, reports The Associated Press. The fact that they were used at all will likely surprise millions of women who use these products daily. And that's not the only surprise: The new FDA regulations still allow use of these animal tissues in cosmetics as long as they come from younger cattle.
No fair! What good is a rainbow party without cow brains?

Never Bet The Devil Your Head

2006-06-05T09:57:00.000-07:00

Reuters reports the case of a man who lowered himself into a lion's cage while exclaiming "God will save me if he exists" was, obviously, mauled to death by the lions.

If he exists?

While instances of stupidity by human beings are around us every day, it is difficult to find one quite as stupid as this. I mean to say, why double dare God in such a no win proposition? If God exists and he saves you, now you now there is a God but he's going to be mad at you for having challenged him. If he exists and doesn't save you, you still know there is a God but now you're dead and he's going to be mad at you. If God doesn't exist, then you're just going to be dead. There's no good side to this.

In the words of Edgar Allen Poe, never bet the devil your head!

Bags In Trees

2006-06-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

Bags In Trees is a photo blog specializing in wayward plastic grocery bags that got caught in trees, specifically in the City of Baltimore.

Apparently these guys walk around Baltimore armed with digital cameras, looking for trees with bags in them.

I don't know if this is art, humor, or if this is commentary. But this is the kind of inspiration I'm always searching for.

OK, let's see if I can come up something...

Diapers on Lawns
Stickers on Street Signs
Barf on Parking Lots
Smashed Ketchup Bags on Sidewalks

Maybe I better stick to Strange New Products.

Gone But Not Forgotten

2006-05-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

We at WeirdNewsToday are in mourning over the passing of Boo-Boo, the pet chicken who was revived when her owner luckily came home and found her face down in a puddle. The owner gave her mouth to, er, mouth, bringing her back from the light to enjoy a few more blessed months of life. Unfortunately she suffered seizures which caused her owner to conclude "that's what put her in the pond in the first place." She spent the short extra time her owner's heroics provided her well, laying three eggs before dying. And she left a legacy. Her owner said, "We incubated one of her eggs, and it hatched. The chick has black and white markings like Boo Boo's."

Artificial Rabbit Penises

2006-05-23T23:00:00.000-07:00

As if rabbits are having a tough time reproducing...
In the study, adult male rabbits with severely damaged penises received a graft of specially engineered penile tissue. The animals then re-grew full penises that functioned normally -- even to the point of successfully impregnating females.
Scientists blessed some male rabbits with bigger penises, and carefully tracked their growth...
Atala's group tracked the rabbits' penile growth and function over the next one, three and six months.

The researchers found that the new penises were similar in structure to natural rabbit penises. The "artificial penis" also achieved and maintained erectile pressures equal to those of normal rabbit penises.
Imagine telling your parents what you do for a living...

Son: "Well, I give rabbits bigger penises, and then I study their erections, and check to see if they are just are hard as natural penises."

Dad: "That's my boy!"

Read the full article here.

Advance Directive Tattoos

2006-05-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

Eighty-year-old Mary Wohlford doesn't want any confusion on what people should do when if she collapses of a heart attack.

She had the words "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on her chest.
Medical and legal experts expressed doubts that Wohlford's tattoo would prove binding, either in the emergency room or in the courts, but they give her credit for originality.
Via Sansovino