a heap of broken images

Instant messenger FTW

2009-06-25T17:18:00.004+01:00

We were discussing the fact that my affianced colleague Alexa spends her working day looking at the 'Mens' section of asos.com, admiring the male models walking the runway. I was worried I would appear to be a pervert if anyone glanced at my monitor.

Alexa... half of the senior leadership team walked past me looking at boys shorts
Lucy... it is a bit different when you are single, though, i think. people are obviously thinking that i have given up on snaring real-life men and have descended into the realms of 'imaginary internet boyfriend'
Alexa... maybe they thought you were looking for a pic of someone to photoshop into a pic of you and send to your family pretending it was your boyfriend
Lucy... you know what
Lucy... that is actually a good idea
Lucy... how do i persuade IT photoshop is a business necessity on my computer?
Alexa... just fill out your end user request form with the details and in 'reason code' put 'emergency lie'

I gots a green drink!

2009-06-18T20:39:00.004+01:00

Blue vodka + apple juice = awesome.

I made a picture

2009-06-17T22:39:00.004+01:00

Balloons; sent by a friend.

Sunglasses; received in exchange for eight strawberry jam tarts.

Conclusion: awesome day.

This weekend I

2009-06-15T19:46:00.004+01:00

took some pics of my cat.

Haven't done this for a while!

He's still got it, though.

+1 vote for fringe trim

2009-06-12T17:57:00.003+01:00

My cakes went down like a literal, actual storm. I am sooo pleased!

In celebration I spent twenty minutes watching and then copying this stupid kawaii hairstyle from a Youtube video meant for asian girls with much, much longer hair.

I am now everything I despise about the internet.

Moar cakes!

2009-06-11T20:30:00.003+01:00

Oh yeah, that's right. I have got Friday Cakes and Quiz all sewn up.

Things I have made recently:

2009-06-10T20:35:00.004+01:00

I made this medley as a surprise! It was a great success, as these things go. The container is a tiny cake tin! Multiple use gift, see.

I have also made two batches of peanut butter cookies (both dreadful!) and these tiny individual apple-and-rhubarb crumbles. My boss gave me the rhubarb! The crumble involves cinnamon and pecans, my favourite. I am pleased!

Getting up to date

2009-06-04T19:58:00.002+01:00

I spent last weekend in Cambridge. It was bliss. I might spend more time down there in the coming weeks! Which does me no bloody good because Stephen Fry's Twitter feed indicated HE was there LAST night. Talk about star-crossed lovers.

Also I just totally life-hacked my way to the perfect morning. 1) cheap-ass coffee machine and some super-strength coffee granules. 2) electronic timer set to come on at 6.50am every morning except the weekend. 3) Alarm set for 6.55am. Conclusion: WIN! The coffee brews, I have a reason to sit up in bed rather than snoozing the alarm for 45 minutes, and everyone's lives are better. The coffee I don't immediately consume will go into a colourful travelmug and taken to work. Simples!

In other news, I think it's going to snow at the weekend. True fact.

CRISIS: averted

2009-05-24T00:43:00.003+01:00

So, today, I painted some masonry. I painted the masonry on the front of the house and it looks beautiful!

Then I went to paint the masonry on the back of the house. I locked the front door as I went through because I didn't want bad people coming in while I was tucked away behind the kitchen.

Because I had to scrub the brickwork with bleachy water before I could paint it, I shut the back door to keep the cat in the house. I didn't want him drinking the water and getting sick!

I painted one windowsill and by then the bleachy water had dried. So I thought, well, Bear is miaowing to come out, so I guess it's safe to open the door for him.

Of course, the back door operates via one key lock (unlocked) and one Yale lock (locked). There is no key for the Yale lock.

I'd locked myself out.

I was annoyed! Very, very annoyed. I considered my options while I painted the remaining windowsill (I needed time to think rationally, as I make very bad snap decisions).

1. My housemates were away until Monday night. So they couldn't let me in.

2. My phone was inside so no calling them for emergency favours (one housemate has not gone far and could have come back).

3. There is a locked gate on the entry passage to the back of my little terrace houses. The key for that is on my keyring (in the house). So I can't even get onto the main street.

4. Even if I could get round to the front, my keys are in the house. Can't get in the front door either.

5. The backdoor looks frail. It has a big window in it. I might be able to kick the door sufficiently to tear the Yale out of the wood, and just replace the lock the next day.

6. The backdoor has a big glass panel in it. I could smash that and reach in and flip the Yale lock. But: the glass has that criss-cross wire in it designed to stop burglars doing that exact thing! I would have to replace the whole door.

7. The bathroom window is open! But it is very tiny and there is a long drop.

8. Next door are in. I could ask them for help; or they would let me use their phone to call my parents. Not sure what they could do about it, though.

9. I could break the kitchen window; or the living room window. But these are sash windows and expensive to replace, I fear.

10. My bedroom window is open. I could somehow climb up to that and then open the door from the inside? But that is on the first floor, around the front of the house.

My plan of action was as follows:

a) tried to kick in the back door. No good. The door is burglar-safe, which is good to know in other situations!

b) tried to climb through the bathroom window. I was more worried that the police would arrive shortly after, called by a neighbour who didn't understand that I was trying to break into my own house. But I couldn't get my boobs through the window. True story! I would make a terrible cat burglar.

c) went to knock on next door's house. They let me in; I explained the predicament. She fetched a ladder and we discussed me climbing up the sloping bay-window roof and hauling myself in via my bedroom window.

d) She went to speak to her partner. He immediately climbed out of their bedroom window (adjacent to mine), across to mine, and vaulted in with ease. She explained that he is super into parkour and urban exploration! Then she said, "oh god, you don't mind him letting himself into your house, do you?!" I was like, "I'm just glad one of us is in there! If he wants to steal all my jewellery on the way through I consider it a small price to pay not to have to sleep in my back garden until Monday!"

e) I was in! God I was so grateful I thought I was going to cry. I am going to have to do something amazing to say thanks (obviously I said actual 'thanks' several times in person!).

What makes it all the more amazing is that I've only spoken to these people twice before. Once when we had their post; and once when they brought us a bottle of wine to apologise for their noisy party. And they just helped me, with no qualms and hardly any questions, and were totally cool and with it and they absolutely didn't have to.

So! I am in my bed. And I have a renewed regard for said interior in general. I am never going to leave it again; that way I will always be safe. Safe from myself.

2009-05-08T21:13:00.000+01:00

Bloggy McBloggerson strikes again

2009-05-01T19:54:00.007+01:00

I have done something I regret. Yeah yeah, what week doesn't go by when I don't make some sort of stupid decision, right.

But this one has been particularly crap to deal with. I think it's because it involved me making a decision which has negatively impacted someone I care about and in confessing which makes me into the bad guy. The thing was totally selfish of me and I deserve to feel like crap. Doesn't mean I like it and doesn't mean it hasn't absolutely ruined my day.

It's actually not the thing itself I regret, but the flawed decision-making that got me to that point. And now the other party is understandably pissed off with me, or has lost respect for me, or whatever. And I'd really like to be able to explain myself, not to redeem myself but because I want them to understand why I did it and what they should be hating me for, exactly. I know, however, that I don't get to dictate terms of contact now, and I just have to choke it down and see if they give me a second chance to prove that I'm not a shallow, fickle, deceitful nightmare.

They may not give me a chance, as is their right, but I hate the fact that there is someone who thinks so badly or - worse - so little of me. I know, I know, if I didn't want that to happen I shouldn't have made the original stupid decision, or at least I shouldn't have owned up to it. But I told the truth because I hate lying to people; it's just that in telling the truth I showed myself to be unreliable and maybe a bit amoral and potentially unlikeable. I'm also worried it makes other, genuinely unrelated, behaviour or comments look horrible, too. But maybe not everyone analyses like I do.

I hate to be that guy. Also I hate posting this sort of stuff. I guess this is self-flagellation. I had something I liked, and now I don't. Sic transit gloria mundi.

Oh dear, poor, abandoned blog

2009-04-21T23:14:00.002+01:00

I never write in you anymore!

Is this because my brain has finally atrophied and my eyes are covered with the scaliest scales?

The only thing that raises my ire without outlet these days is cyclists on the ring road. There's a perfectly good cycle track on the pavement, which my tax dollars helped to fund, cyclists! How dare you turn your nose up at it in favour of pootling along at 20 mph and then glaring at me and wobbling when I whizz past at 50mph, which is the speed limit.

Otherwise, everything is pretty great!

BROKEN

2009-04-12T20:46:00.002+01:00

I battered our soi-broken washing machine in aquiesence earlier on (while I was possessed by a tidying fit) but now the whole little-finger-side of my right hand is swollen and immobile. I might get a sling tomorrow.

I have cleaned and cleaned and cleaned today, after getting out of bed laaate due to deciding to watch Apocalypse Now this morning.

Tomorrow I go to London! I am sooo excited. How will I ever sleep?! I'll have to try and batter my head against the washing machine, too, and hope Donna drags me up to my bed.

AND THEN HE HUNG UP!

2009-04-08T19:10:00.004+01:00

Max: "Oh hi, Lucy, it's Max here."

Me: "Hi Max! How are you?"

Max: "A WASP! A WASP IS HERE! OH MY GOD!"

Me: "....."

Max: "CAN YOU SEE IT?! LOOK THERE'S A WASP HERE, OH NO, SHOO HIM TOWARDS THE DOOR! WASPS, ALREADY!"

Me: "Ah - "

Max: {CLICK}

YARRRR

2009-04-04T11:12:00.005+01:00

I put up a new blind last night! I've lived in this house for nearly two years (or is it nearly three?) and I've had the same see-through bamboo blind the whole time. Needless it to say it doesn't stop any of the ambient night-light or blazing day-light but I knew it was time for a change, so change it was.

I put it up myself and halfway through I was all "yeah I'm totally amazing, a year ago I would have had to phone my dad to come over and put this sucker up for me and now look at me go!". I replaced the advised hacksaw (for sawing the poles to length) with a breadknife, because realistically what use would a hacksaw have been to me following that one use? I already had a breadknife. Then I put it up and it didn't fit and I thought, oh, shoulda phoned my dad.

But it's up now and that's the important thing.

I took pictures so I could photo-blog about How To Put Up A Blind but in the end the two best pictures came when I was drawing the Cut Here line on the blind. I found this pencil, which has a pirate-Viking on the top of it; and I sharpened it with this wind-up pirate pencil sharpener.

Then I had the best night's sleep for two (or maybe three) years and when I woke up I thought the last of my sight had faded overnight because I couldn't see my hand in front of my face. Black-out FTW!

Today I am going to town to buy stencil-materials, so I can make it beautiful.

Got my favourite sunglasses back!

2009-03-22T21:15:00.003Z

Also got a new car, and a walk in the Peak District, and a number of cheeky nights out with people I especially like, and a new dress from Primark which, on reflection, does make me look like a nurse.

I've also got a cat who is sick three days out of every five, a housemate who uses scalpels to cut things out on our now-horrendously-scratched coffee table, and a colleague who I suspect of harbouring a secret crush on another colleague. All these things make me nauseous.

But on balance I like all things at the moment.

Good news, or somethin'

2009-03-17T22:15:00.002Z

My default reaction to people shooting out from sideroads across major roundabouts because they've been looking at their SatNav and not traffic conditions:

1. Right foot brake

2. Left foot clutch

3. Heel of right hand slams into middle of steering wheel like it's on fire

4. Optional (depends on company): profanity which would make a sailor (with Tourette's) blush

On the plus side: the horn on my new car is nearly as good as the old one. Just needs some breakin' in, is all.

2009-03-14T16:51:00.002Z

I've been trying on dresses all day, in town.

I am wearing an enormous, ornate, heavy gold bead necklace that my housemate bought me for my birthday.

Every single time I've whipped a dress off, over my head, I have caught said necklace in the hem and twatted myself in the face with it. Every single time.

I didn't buy any dresses, in the end, and all I've got to show for a whole morning's work is a black eye :(

Crazed, brutal tyrant

2009-03-10T17:55:00.002Z

So I've got this thing going on at work.

A third party company is making something for me. Someone else from my business is liaising.

I asked Thirdparty politely if something which was previously undiscussed would be possible. Thirdparty went straight to Liaison Woman bitching and whining about my 'unreasonable demands'. Liaison Woman has got her panties in a knot about it because it has uncovered a big fuck-up in her project management of Thirdparty, and she's now decided to instruct Thirdparty to stop making the thing they're making for me!

Seriously, this is the business equivalent of "it's my ball and I'm going home!" except it's my chuffing ball.

Bravely struggling on

2009-03-08T13:30:00.002Z

I am currently dying of what I have diagnosed as Meningicoccal Influenza. I am hardly ever sick and now I feel like my skin is on fire (dead giveaway for flu) and my throat is so swollen I can't move my head (must be meningitis).

I have to soldier on because I've got an appointment in town. Despite working in the field of freely-available medicines I don't seem to have any paracetamol in the whole house, however, and my housemate drank all the emergency lemsip so I'm hunched like a crone with limited mobility. Getting into the shower took about fifteen minutes and then I had to stay in there for three-quarters of an hour trying to summon the energy to re-open the showerscreen.

Last night was worse, though - I couldn't sleep because someone had set my bed on fire and all my joints hurt. I actually did wonder if I might need to go to A&E because there just seemed to be so many incapacitating things wrong with me. I hate feeling ill in the middle of the night, it's so scary and makes a mockery of my 'totally independant' attitude because I want to sob quietly into a housemate's shoulder while they call me an ambulance and mopped my fevered brow.

NEW GAME

2009-03-06T18:11:00.001Z

I've just wasted half my ridiculously expensive prescription ear-drops playing "Catchee Bottle" with the cat.

The game is: he creeps up; I flick the bottle; he looks intrigued and pouncy; I spray him in the face with antibiotic fluid and he leaps in the air in the most humerous fashion! It was so droll.

Now he's gone away again because he heard someone less cruel come home.

State of the onion

2009-03-05T22:52:00.002Z

God absolutely everything has been a struggle this week. I'm walking uphill backwards carrying a monkey a pile of chips and set of encyclopaedias through a contraflow of molten lava. I've got plans for the weekend but I swear to god I'm going to cancel them and just sit under the desk in my room with a rolled up ball of yarn instead.

Even writing this entry: struggle.

Surrounded by boring mysteries

2009-03-04T17:07:00.003Z

My housemate ('stablemate' from now on) bought me Twiglet Book Four as a joke birthday present. It was a joke but we both know we'll both read it and whinge but it's what binds us together at the moment.

I'm two chapters into "Stephanie Meyer's Fantasy Wedding To A Mysogynist (Only She's Too Much A Product Of Her Southern Upbringing To Realise That Her Main Character Is A Controlling Tosser); Also Featuring Stephanie's Bestest Imaginary Friends From When She Was A Lonely Teenager!" and, I swear to god, I have physically gagged more than once.

New peril

2009-02-28T17:53:00.001Z

(9:12:22 pm)gavin777:HI sexy godess.iam looking for a woman to be an online slave to by text or email, i have a thing for women in control plus i secretly wear womens underwear, if this is your thing and you want to email me or text me orders what colour womens underwear i must wear under my clothes everyday, let me know and i will give you my email and mobile, i hope your intersted in having me as your online slave sexy godess , and iam willing to give two of my females co workers emails so i will have no choice but to do as you say mistress, BUT WOULD BE UNDERSTOOD YOU WOULD NEVER USE THEM , JUST TO KEEP ME IN LINE, AND WOULD BE A TURN ON KNOWING A WOMAN HAS THAT POWER OVER ME, IAM WILLING TO WRITE LINES DO ANY TASK EVEN EDIT MY PROFILE TO SAY ANYTHING YOU THINK I SHOULD PUT ON IT LIKE THE PANTIE WEARING INFERIOR WIMP IAM

(9:20:36 pm)mobda:God above in heaven. You are an instant BLOCK mister

SUCCESS

2009-02-27T17:45:00.003Z

I bought a ring which I LOVE but it is off being resized to fit my weirdly thin fingers so I can't wear it until it returns, which gives me a chance to get a manicure (I was ashamed to get my hands out in front of the nice jewellery lady). I am eagerly awaiting its return. Thanks, Eric! It it is old fashioned and ladylike and it glitters in the sunlight :)

Also I bought an SD card for my stupid fancy phone but apparently my phone OS doesn't support the massive GB size I bought? Does anyone need a card? Also I can't sync my phone with my computer so I can't put any music on it, because I need some software and I haven't got it. I hate software.

Also it is literally impossible to believe, but there is not one single shop in Hyson Green which would allow me to bake my skin until it peels off my flesh. Not one! It must be the only suburb in the world without one. I guess that is what comes of living in an ethnic neighbourhood.