tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17692309.post-72785700813460188692008-01-09T15:25:00.001-07:002008-01-18T08:55:03.642-07:00There are watershed moments in one's life. One's first kiss, a run in with a bully, meeting with someone who changes the direction of your life, your first date with your future ex-husband/wife and other moments that take one's life and throw it in a different direction. We can then look back at these moments, either celebrating the way our life went or cursing the day everything went to Hades in a handbasket.<br /><br />Either way, it's a watershed, or in many cases, a Waterloo.<br /><br />An event recently happened to me that has definately changed my outlook on life. It has headed me down a different path, nay a different aisle. A change so monumentous, it had to happen slowly and slither up on me like a giant blood thirsty snarling sneaking up thingy. Sorry, I was never good with similes.<br /><br />So here is the huge watershed moment:<br /><br />My waist size has increased.<br /><br />I've literally gotten waisted.<br /><br />I got a few Christmas gifts in the pantelones catagory that I couldn't fit into unless I sucked my stomach in like middle aged guys at the beach. I tried everything, even crying, hoping the loss of body fluid would lead to a slimmer waist line.<br /><br />But no, nothing happened. I'm now a solid 34. After being a 32 in my 20's, a 33 in my 30's, I'm now a 34 in my second go at the age of 20. If you plug these numbers into the <a href="http://www.purplemath.com/modules/quadform.htm" target="blank">quadradic formula</a>, carry the 3, then find the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derivative"target=blank>derivative</a>, and graph the results, my waist size will be a 94 before my 60 birthday.<br /><br />I may need my own zip code.<br /><br />Hopefully by then we can all float around with futuristic anti-gravity devices, and I won't be forced to drive one of those mini-scooter things though the aisles of Walmart, as long as I'm under the weight limit. (Which, noting the expanding American belly, will be about 1500 pounds)<br /><br />What has made is worse is that I actually work out. The lower <a href="http://research-data.com/Latest-Findings/gph_actfig5.gif" target="blank">graph </a>doesn't fit what is occuring to me.<br /><br />I remember laughing when Seindfeld changed his pants' labels to a 31 when he became a 32. I mean, how vain can one man get?<br /><br />That's not a judgement, that's my current New Years resolution.<br /><br />I'm now a full 2 inches wider than Seinfeld. I'm not laughing now, because if I do, I'm afraid my belly will have that movement like a <a href="http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/19029.jpg" target="blank">bowl full of jelly</a>. (Now <strong>that's </strong>a good simile)<br /><br />A whole new world of questions has been opened to me. Will I be able to fit through turnstiles? How soon will it be before I'm asked to purchase an extra seat on an airplane? Will I now be a more dangerous dancer? Will I soon hear catcalls of "Shake it, don't break it?" When am I going to have to pull my pants up to my chest and start wearing stretchy pastel fabrics while I drink coffee with my AARP friends at McDonalds? Am I going to need a <a href="http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=manzier" target="blank">Manzier</a>? And dear Lord, am I going to be literally putting the "middle" in middle age?<br /><br />I know, it's not that bad now, but I hear everything from this age out goes down hill like a graph at a GW Bush <a href="http://www.pollingreport.com/BushJob.htm"target=blank>polling</a> convention. (Now <strong>that's </strong>a nice Simile!)<br /><br />I guess I just have to stop whining and suck it up, while I suck it in.<br /><br />So, goodbye 33's! We hardly knew ye. What's that? My nose is going to start <a href="http://blogs.webmd.com/cosmetic-surgery/2007/10/as-you-grow-older-nose-grows.html" target="blank">drooping</a>?<br /><br />(Insert curse word here)<div class="blogger-post-footer"><script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client = "pub-8358537795489310"; google_ad_width = 728; google_ad_height = 90; google_ad_format = "728x90_as"; google_ad_type = "text_image"; //2007-04-02: BLue google_ad_channel = "6768240601"; //--> </script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script></div>coopdog1http://www.blogger.com/profile/14608952645395403542noreply@blogger.com