Saba Imtiaz: Everyday is a winding road..

A life worth living.

2008-07-01T15:16:00.002+06:00

One year ago, we toasted ourselves in a kitchen (cannot mention how the kitchen looked like the next day!) and to a future that we had just finished penning out moments before.

One year later, I am sitting at home in Karachi, missing my other home in Amman, my lovely apartment, the people I met and knew and the random sights and sounds that became as familiar as if I'd lived in Amman my entire life.

I want to say something befitting the past year – the challenges, the depression, the moments of euphoria, the feeling of joy I had every time I updated a document for updated facts and figures: more members, more experiences, more partners, more events, more interns, more exchanges – at that time, it was easier to just go with the flow. I can't write anything befitting.

I know, without a doubt, that being on the Jordan MC was the best decision I ever made in my life – and I know that that feeling of ‘this is right’ – that I had in March last year has never been as intense at any other turn of my life recently. Call it writer’s block, or an acute failure to summarize, but there is no way I can even start describing my year, the people I met, the experiences I had..

One year ago, I didn’t know my teammates very well. One year later, I know them all too well – their propensity for forgetting things, arguing topics to death, our collective ganging up on each other and our shared love for watching seasons of TV shows all weekend and quoting Barney Stinson nonstop. There is so much I could say and write about them, but it still hasn’t sunk in that our team's term has ended, the same way it hadn’t as we sat on a bench in the airport as they saw me off and made our last jokes together.

One year ago, I was hopeful for an AIESEC country’s future. One year later, I am sending out resumes and setting up dates for job interviews, hoping for my own future, my real life to begin, for me to bring that value added experience into an organization. (When will I stop writing in sales-speak?!)

Reflection has never been my strong point and probably never will be, but I am infinitely more self aware about the person I am now. I miss so many, many things about Jordan – which is why the fun emails I get from Laura and Nadim make me smile every morning and often giggle hysterically, and sometimes make me wish I could extend my residency to have some proof of my connection to the country beyond memories, photographs and people.

Bas khalas – yella shabab, lets move on.

life in technicolor

2008-06-28T13:21:00.003+06:00

Ten days ago, I arrived back home - such a mythical word last year, home was what we spoke of longingly, on holidays when we cooked food from our countries and recreated the illusion of a different life in our kitchen and living room. Millions of conversations with nomads about lives at home, and now, as I feel the sea breeze make the heat of the day melt away, it feels like I've always been here.

I arrived back to Karachi in a sea of about 200 people at immigration. Gone was the familiar airport in Amman/border at Jaber, the very short queues, the ahlan wa sahlan and 'Welcome to Jordan!' greetings. Karachi's airport was chaos - possibly over 200 very hostile, uncouth and pissed off travelers, wailing kids (one of whom banged his head on the floor) and general inefficiency. At one point there were new queues forming at every available desk, with people rushing madly to them in the hope that they would get to escape sooner. All while I stood with a very heavy carry on bag and my laptop (God bless Gulf Air!) and told off people for breaking queue. Rrright.

With some sense of the niceties inculcated in me in Jordan, I said salaam to the official who burst out laughing and said 'aap ne aakhir himmat kar he lee!' (you finally dared to say that!) I don't think anyone had even said hello to him in the past hour that I'd been standing in line. Welcome to Karachi. Shukrans, Marhabas and Ahlans are old news kiddos. I have to perfect my 'I am right and you bloody well know it' look.

I finally got out of the airport, only to find no one to greet me. No one! About 15 minutes, 10 rounds with a very heavy trolley later I found a payphone and called my sister - who sheepishly turned up 5 minutes later with my friend Mikaal. Since I'd been stuck in Immigration for an hour, they'd gone to McDonalds. Of course. While they were eating fries, I was being advised by an elderly man to stop wandering around and just wait in one spot. In any case, I'm superglad that they came - did I mention it was my birthday and I turned 23 while waiting in the Bahrain airport for my flight to take off, so seeing them was really a cool surprise in itself?

And how is it to be back? That appears to be the question of the month -- (all of last year, the question was: How do you find Jordan?) - its absolutely fantastic. I loved living in Amman, and I loved my life there - but Karachi - sigh. The sheer joy I still feel, despite the electricity breakdowns and other problems a crazy metropolitan city like this has, at being back - being able to sing aloud madly to old songs, read incessantly, talk to friends about the same things over and over again, gossip, familiar faces (of people I like and don't) - the knowledge that I will never, ever take any of this for granted again.

And of birthdays and surprises - my friends (after my incessant whining at aforementioned sadness of birthday spent in Immigration/various airports) got me a cake while we were hanging out at Latte Lounge - which I really didn't see coming (they must have gotten better at planning surprises!) until the overefficient server comes up and says "So, should I bring the cake now?" at which my friends groaned collectively and looked like they wanted to kill the guy.

Thankyou guys!

The end of my nomadlife existence has been replaced with my quest to find out what it really is that I want to do with my life (apparently getting rich needs to have a career to go along with it) - more later, provided Karachi Electric Supply (?) Cooperation cooperates. :)

Stay / leave

2008-06-17T22:16:00.002+06:00

Sitting at the airport in Amman. Stealing wi-fi. Spent the morning running around picking up my flight ticket from my harangued travel agent who got me off the Gulf Air waiting list and on a flight for today, shopping, eating at Hashem, meeting people, answering phone calls and arguing with cab drivers. Apart from the travel agent and airport, this could be any day in the life that was mine until I stepped through the gate.

This doesn't seem right, and it doesn't seem wrong either. I'm just waiting for my real life (version 2) to begin, yet again, I suppose.

60 years later..

2008-06-09T18:32:00.003+06:00

perspective 60 years later… Palestine has been an unsolved issue for so long that the world often seems to think it doesn’t exist. Now, documentary filmmakers are at the forefront of keeping it alive. By Saba Imtiaz in Amman, Jordan



Amman, the capital of Jordan - may not have the fantastic architecture, the centuries old lanes, or the other landmarks that are the hallmark of other Middle Eastern capitals like Cairo or Damascus, but what it certainly does have is a fantastic social itinerary. Darat al Funun, an art gallery/working space for artists regularly showcases exhibits featuring artists from the Middle East, as well as documentaries focusing on the region. Two of the most notable ones I have had the chance to see lately include The Iron Wall and Occupation 101, both part of a series of films being screened to commemorate Nabka (Arabic for Catastrophe), marking 60 years of occupation by Israel.

The Iron Wall was an eye opener - even to someone used to having seen/heard so much about the conflict through Pakistan’s pro Palestinian media. The Iron Wall is an eye opener, because it coldly details how, over the past 6 decades, Israel has systematically obliterated any possibility of there ever existing as of a viable Palestinian state. The wall, a shocking symbol of what can only be defined as apartheid in the 21st century, is there for a reason: to create small pockets of Palestinian villages, cut off from the infrastructure, housing and sources of income for Palestinians. Using graphs and maps, The Iron Wall shows how the settlements built by Israel have consumed the major part of the West Bank.

It delves into Zionist beliefs, coupled by how successive Israeli governments have used the policy of settlement building to strengthen their presence throughout Occupied Palestine, and to cement those settlements, have built - what is indeed an iron wall - to fence off those settlements from the Palestinian villages. They cut through viable agricultural land, houses, water sources - and in the opinion of the experts interviewed for the film, is not a security measure, but the last bolt in the coffin of a dream of a Palestine free from occupation. Coupled with heart rending stories - of families clutching their olive trees and crying desperately in a vain attempt to prevent Israeli bulldozers. The documentary includes testimonials of Israeli soldiers of how Palestinian towns in the West Bank are virtually under a siege from extremist settlers who believe that all of the land mentioned in the Bible is theirs for the taking, replete with scenes of places that are ghost towns because of the constant state of curfew and violence. Pieced in with this havoc, are quotes from an Israeli woman who, like hundreds of other Israeli families are heavily incentivized by the government to move to the new housing areas. The guilt rings out in her voice as she feels trapped between the luxurious setting of the new housing areas, and the realization that she is living on someone else’s land. Occupation 101, on the other hand, while focusing on the same issues, is specifically geared to an American audience, which, using the same testimonials and settlement issues as The Iron Wall, also presents an overview of how, despite the Oslo Peace Process continuing in the 1990s, the settlements and violence increased. It also provides an insight into how the US Government has supported Israel financially since the creation of the state, comparing it with US aid given to developing countries. Occupation 101 also delves into the conditions in Gaza, which few media outlets have been able to gain access to or covered, highlighting the story of an American citizen who was killed in 2003 by an Israeli bulldozer in Rafah. While the documentary has received accolades at various film festivals in the US, it remains to be seen what the impact of a documentary such as this has had, given how one-sided news coverage from the Middle East appears to be. It is commendable of the gallery to screen the documentaries - but these stories are meant for a wider audience, for an audience in a country that is not a stone’s throw away from Occupied Palestine and Israel, but for those that are completely unaware to the nature of the conflict and what this means to the daily life of Israelis and Palestinians who live in this state, day in and day out. - For The News on Sunday.

random random!

2008-06-04T03:15:00.004+06:00

It won't hit me that I'm supposed to be home in a little less than 2 weeks until I actually have a ticket in my hand, absolute proof that the streets, sights and sounds of Amman will be a part of my past, will be remembered in fragments and anecdotes, from pictures that will soon be relegated to an obscure folder on my laptop. I don't want to write a 'reflecting-back-on-my-year' post just yet, I want time to stop still and let me live and breathe each moment - and for the past few weeks I have been doing exactly that.

In other news & randomness..

My successor, Akos Szakaly, arrived from Hungary a couple of days ago! In true tradition, he had to wait for 25 minutes at the airport, and I took him to Hashem and Danesi on his first day here (and felt like I've been living here for centuries as he stared wide-eyed at everything, and I argued with cab drivers and talked to all the afternoon staff at Hashem)
I randomly chanced upon EP 18 for Gossip Girl (I thought the season had ended at 17!) You know you love me..xoxo.
Weekend conversations (or weekday ones for that matter) with people from home are the bestest. Thats why I now know all of the gossip and news from Karachi courtesy Emad, and how Adeel Naeem's room in Singapore looks like, or what he bought on his last shopping trip :P
Shops in Amman have strange mannequins. Enough said.
The AIESEC Lahore video is the coolest! And now I have 'Get down tonight' stuck in my head..but oh well, I miss those guys!
Last weekend was the most fun I've had in a long time! If someone had told me a few years ago that I'd be cooking biryani, watching Rang De Basanti with an American (who went to school in India) and Canadian (Iranian/Brit actually..), and dancing in a gay bar on a weekend..I'd have thought they were repeating a sitcom outline..
On that note - I'm going to miss Laura and Nadim and Shamsy! And if my picture is in Layaleena's next issue..I'd better get a scanned copy.
Random events in Amman can turn out to be pretty cool. For e.g. the Syrian film @ the Royal Film Commission was rather boring..but what a gorgeous venue, replete with free popcorn & drinks..score. And despite how long it took us to find Cups & Kilos in Al Rabieh today, the jazz gig there was absolutely fabulous.

And as a last note: Laura's blogpost on Amman has this great quote on life here, which even a year later - still rings true for me:

"What an unexpected night....and one that brought so many interesting realities into light. Everytime I think I've finally come to understand something about Jordanian (or more accurately, Amman) society, something comes along and completely contradicts it. I still haven't figured out Jordan, and I don't know if I ever will."

Rants of the day!

2008-05-29T17:22:00.003+05:00

Rants of the day:

Where are your friends when you need them? Stuck in a meeting, THATS where. Kambakhton.
Thankyou, dear intl text messaging system, for sending me the same messages about 20 times.
Why are all taxi drivers becoming slightly neurotic in the summer? Though today's was a nice guy. He practiced his Urdu with me 'kya haal hai, bhaisaab!' and then we ranted about other drivers who ask all girls if they're married
I am sick of inventing new occupations for my fake husband/fiance.
Why is everything so expensive? I hate 11% inflation (or is it more?), and everytime I convert how much money I've spent on just buying potatoes into rupees I have a slight heart attack
Also..why are books so expensive? Ebooks are just not the same..
Why am I addicted to Facebook and Gmail? WHY.
I am so incredibly stressed. Even happy music isn't helping.
Why is everyone asking me why the HIMYM season has ended? Its not like I work for Barney Stinson or something.

More later..

Stuck in a vicious cycle..

2008-05-28T14:03:00.004+05:00

Monday night
9:00 PM: Decide to pull all nighter and finish data input into online accounting system
1:00 AM: Realize when deciding to pull all nighter should check whether there's food in the house
2:00 AM: Have panic attack over error in transactions. Get on Skype - Rosa, NL's VPF is working late too and helps me sort the problem out.
2:30 AM: Realize there really was no error
3:00 AM: Friends begin to go offline. Start missing home. Wish Dad was around to give me a plate of french fries. Wish I could hug my cat. Wish I was 5 years old and didn't have to do this.
5:00 AM: Look up and realize it is light outside.
5:15 AM: Go to bed, because there's an error in the system. Need to wait for customer support to reply back.
6:00 AM: Still awake. ARGH.

Tuesday:
11:00 AM: Woken by phone call by external. Set up meeting for Wednesday over the phone and go back to sleep.
11:30 AM: Drag myself out of bed. Customer support has replied back! I can get back to work
1:00 PM: Do laundry thinking it is Wednesday (cos thats the day we usually do laundry).
2:00 PM: Have sudden panic attack that have missed meeting. Check laptop and realize its actually Tuesday and meeting is tomorrow.
5:00 PM: Laptop screen begins to blur. Tell myself I cannot pass out. Succeed.
7:30 PM (endless cups of coffee, Tang and tea later): Look up and realize it is dark outside and I should turn the lights on
8:00 PM: Finally finish transactions. Everything's done. Cannot feel any sense of accomplishment, cos I can't feel anything at all other than overwhelming tiredness.
8:10 PM: Collapse in shower. Drag myself out and resist urge to wear pajamas since I need to go out and eat.
8:30 PM: Find myself lying on bed resisting urge to go to sleep.
8:45 PM: Drag myself to shawarma place. Try and not collapse on street by eating fries out of the takeaway bag.
11:00 PM: Lie down to go to sleep
12:30 AM: Still awake. Decide to start working instead and curse myself for not being able to sleep.
3:00 AM: Finally feel sleepy. Go to sleep.
11:00 AM: Alarm. Jolted awake and realize have 2 meetings to get to...

Going somewhere and getting nowhere

2008-05-25T13:59:00.001+05:00

Over the past few weekends, I've been in a bus/cab going somewhere - Damascus, Aqaba, Damascus again..its another long weekend and it feels rather weird to be in Amman, despite the fact that I spend most of my weekends in the city.

I've lived here for a little over a year now (375 days to be precise) and I now feel oddly disconnected. I can't seem to put my finger on it, but something has changed in how I view the city and the people. I don't know if its disillusion, recent events, or the realizations that bubble up to your head when you have the time to sit and reflect about your life. I hope the feeling goes away soon because I want to look back on my last days here with a sense of accomplishment and happiness..and not this.

In other news - I have unfortunately had to see - the worst talent show known to mankind - Star Academy. We were driving back from the fantastic reception event at Huda's only to see a huge congregation of people at Abdoun. Apparently a huge screen had been put up since one of the finalists was Jordanian. Memories of the endless campaign that was 'vote for Petra as one of the new seven wonders..' came to mind, and a bunch of us saw a bit of the final at Books@ when we ended up there.

Simon Cowell would have had a field day. Heck - any one with even the least bit of musical sense would have had a field day. It made for great entertainment value though - the screechy voices, the elaborate sets, the backup dancers, staring with shock at the elaborate nature of the show and trying to figure out who was the worst of the lot.

I spent last night laughing insanely over Skype/Gtalk with Sharz and Rabia. Many a devious plan and fictional scenario were devised and brilliant memories from university relived. I woke up this morning and was trying to guess what time it when the phone rang with aapa and my sister on the other end, having breakfast together. Yay for all the amazing people in my life :)

In other random news - the taxi driver sagas continue (the servees driver from Damascus got into a huge argument with another passenger over buying cigarettes from the duty free, yesterday one driver told me that I could only learn Arabic if I live in an Arab country (yes, finally some common sense!), and everyone who has tried to extort money off me for nominal fares has been yelled at.)

And cultural diversity has taken a new turn - atleast four of the waiters at Hashem yesterday could speak a smattering of English (new guys hired to withstand the onslaught of the tourist season?) I'm making plans to have a Bollywood movie session with an intern from the US and might cook biryani and chapatis with a Kenyan intern, and most surprising of all - Alex (who, as the oft repeated story goes, is originally from Belarus, grew up in Australia and lives in Bahrain) pronounces Arabic letters way better than I ever will.

Off to enjoy the rest of the long weekend. Did I mention its Independence Day today? And we're off to see what is rumored to be a military parade. (I have already started getting flak for this from Sharz, but I'm justifying this as its fine when the country isn't really ruled by the military..)

Update: And Nadim's blog has the sad saga of the parade that didn't happen..

Back in Damascus

2008-05-17T00:20:00.002+05:00

From the very talented Kay..which totally fits my mood as I spend yet another weekend in sunny Damascus. I love random trips. More later..right now I am marveling that Blogger isn't banned..as are Facebook, blogspot addresses, YouTube..

Zealous Autconfig

2008-05-07T23:16:00.000+05:00

I love xkcd!

Spring madness

2008-05-02T03:56:00.005+05:00

Written: Friday morning, 4:00 AM

Have spent the past four days in a state of lost confusion and panic. Frantic emails, Skype chats all afternoon with hourly updates, ringing phones. And all of this for a very small role in getting Jordan's partners to the MENA Symposium - which didn't help soothe my nerves with having our own event coming up in 27 days. Tick tock, tick tock. I have spent half a year working on this and as the final product comes together, I feel more on the edge than I have ever been. I can't seem to wrap my head around anything at all.

The days spent in Damascus have left me longing for more - I almost went to the Embassy to get another visa for the weekend. Everyone says the haze of Damascus fades but I can hardly wait to go back, even for a day.

I have about 45 days left before I go back home to start a new(?) chapter. My life has come full circle right now. Opportunities I would have applied for or would have killed to get two years ago are now being offered. A part of me feels flattered..the other: more conscious than ever that the decision I am taking to go back home is the right one. Dhruv's recent blog post (a must read, btw) is a scary reminder of how close I was to going down the same road. I read and re-read it again and again, it was like an eerily accurate description of my own state of my mind at some crucial points this year, down in black and white.

I am glad for the stabilizing influences in my life, the sometimes slow and painful process of trying to understand why I need to do this, but every time I think about going back home: I smile, I can't wait to be understood (literally, and not so literally) and no longer irrelevant in the bigger picture. Even watching Gossip Girl makes me miss home - we have our very own text messaging network that I will finally be able to respond back to now, unfettered by expensive int'l text messaging rates.

--

Update: Saturday night, 11:00 PM

Back from Aqaba for Labor Day weekend! Aqaba was hellishly crowded - and reminded me more and more of Karachi, especially the incredibly kind hospitality of the Momani household and the boat ride on the Red Sea. Aqaba will always be one of my favorite places ever. Can't wait to go on a trip - replete with the most awesome seafood ever and the craziness of friends - at home soon!

Sigh..

2008-04-28T13:23:00.004+05:00

Back from a weekend in Damascus, Syria - and wishing I was back, wandering through the Old City, drinking orange juice and chatting away in Arabic with the people I meet. More here..

Missing Caller Line Identification

2008-04-22T18:31:00.002+05:00

2:00 AM: Decide to go to sleep after spending yet another day, functioning on minimal sleep the night before, being glued to my laptop, answering what must have been about 200 emails. Enter room to find pillow has been stolen by roommate who is sleeping and holding on to it for dear life. Decide waking up roommate will only come back to haunt me in another life and go to sleep anyway.

7:30 AM: Wake up and get pillow back from teammate/roommate's bed who wakes up at such a dreadful hour. Feel glad that I can sleep in till 11:30 AM today

9:00 AM: Cell phone rings. Spend 3 minutes registering fact that the phone is ringing and that it is Important External's name flashing on the display. Gingerly move fingers towards phone and by that time the caller has hung up

9:05 AM: Tumble out of bed and manage to walk towards the phone outside. Call Important External. Have somewhat intelligent conversation using fake 'I am awake and working' tone. Confuse currency rates in the process.

9:10 AM: Phone rings again. Think it must be teammate. Use normal 'F**k off, I am half asleep' tone to grumpily say hello. Caller is not teammate. Caller is Important External. ARGH! How did he call me back at home?! I miss having CLI on my home phone

9:12 AM: Drag myself outside where roommate is sitting. Try and tell her about phone call but she fails to respond because she is half shocked, half scared at my appearance and probably cannot recognize me. Tell her to force excitement at my conversation with Important External and then go back to sleep.

11:30 AM: Wake up, get dressed and then greet roommate who can now recognize me

11:45 AM: Descend into despair as have 18 important emails that then proceed to multiply in front of me like rabbits.

It is now 4:40 PM and the emails have stopped. At times like these I wonder if there has been a nuclear holocaust which has erased half of humanity and hence I have no new email. Or whether Gmail has crashed. Or if everyone has decided to go on strike. Oh well -- despite all of this, I really do enjoy the madness. :)

2008-04-12T03:46:00.004+05:00

~~Rant on how I have seemed to lose my ability to find rhyme and reason in anything that is happening.~~
~~Missing outspoken arguments and angsty emails~~
~~Wish I could cry at will and not have to defer emotions based on the workday~~
~~Go laze on the beach in a sunny city~~
~~Forget about all this in a haze of rampant consumerism/retail therapy~~

Everything that I want to do right now from this list is impossible because its never the right time, the right place, or the right thing.

Peace of mind is an elusive concept right about now.

Lets go hang out at...fast forward to now.

2008-04-05T01:54:00.004+05:00

A beautiful Friday spent in Amman - courtesy Oksana's insane itinerary - from being tempted out of bed with thoughts of breakfast at Hashem - where we ended up hogging a table for hours and serving ourselves, followed by fresh orange juice at the Palestine Juice stand, arguileh & coffee in the lawns next to the Roman Amphitheater, watching an Egyptian Sufi group perform at King Hussein Park* and a random evening session of tea, muffins and crazy/insightful conversation with the team where I'm quite sure a Barney-esque persona took over me. It is definitely not 'my week, my month' - but still ;)

*pictures & video below -- though it definitely seemed more of a combo of live entertainment catered to the family/children audience and more Middle Eastern music than the Sufi kind I am used to, but very enjoyable nonetheless.

Randomness!

2008-03-19T19:59:00.004+05:00

Beautiful spring afternoons/evenings in Amman spent walking and snapping away random sights
Sohaib got into HARVARD! At last count, everyone I know is either envious, in disbelief, or well..envious. Which is why sentences these days start with.."F**king hell, can you believe it?"
And no one I call from home seems to recognize my voice anymore. Which means I can probably call pretending to..oh wait. Evil plan in the making.
Spotting a sign for 'Jammu Kashmir Restaurant". Must go. Must assess whether it is (a) Pakistani (b) Indian (c) Kashmiri (d) bad Pakistani/Indian food made by locals
Cooking an entire pot of curry pakoray from scratch and guarding it with my life. And eating parathas! Yay for the punjabiness.
New question of the year: "Yes my name is Persian.." "Oh, is your mother Persian?". That beats "Is your Dad Arab?" I need a new name that is neither Persian or Arabic.
Having one of the grant folk look at me with what I'm sure was pity and sympathy when I stumbled into their office this afternoon. I am officially done with grant management for today.
Finally getting GPRS activated on my phone..and then wasting all my credit checking Facebook at 4 AM.
Realizing calling Egypt is more expensive than calling home. Even though Egypt is next door and Pakistan is..well, rather far away.
Chocolate milkshakes during a 30 minute break between two meetings and spilling the beans on my illustrious day to E.
Random Urdu conversation with a guy I met at a party. 'So did you watch a lot of Indian movies?' 'Nope. I had a Pakistani girlfriend'. Thats a new one.
Random emails from friends all over the world
Getting lost in Amman again!
Wishing I had a day off tomorrow, cos everyone else does. BHAAA!

This week, that day..

2008-03-13T23:10:00.000+05:00

I've spent the past few days in a state of incredible stress, fueled by the realization that I have major deadlines for super important proposals all set for Thursday. What is it with me that I must say things like 'I PROMISE this will be sent by xyz day/time' to externals? Why must I promise? Why can I just not say the things that other normal people do? Why why why...

Of course, it hasn't been all bad. There's been some random good news, both related to work and to the other things in life - like the fact that there's a new Harold & Kumar movie coming out, I am actually witnessing proper spring for the first time (as evidenced by my glee at seeing flowers blossom on trees and hearing birds chirp on the odd day that I wake up before noon..) and Oksana's brilliant mispronunciation of a very common work term that led to Momani and I coming up with new jokes all day and me yelling out 'it is 9 AM! you cannot use that word at 9 frikkin AM!, random conversations with Leeda today (over which I have laughed hysterically) and randomer/annoyed conversations with Emad (we take turns whining). I've also had lots of fun working on GCC stuff this week, I love the diversity of my team and the supercool stuff we're doing!

Sigh. This is such a far cry from the start of the week where I went slightly mad shopping at a vintage clothes sale* (its not my fault, I should never be allowed to leave the house with my wallet again), was singing raucously at a karaoke night with some newly made acquaintances to now where all I want to do is rest my head on this table and go to sleep (except I'm in a coffeeshop/bar and might only wake up in time for their Friday breakfast)

*Oh no. I just found out that the sale is back on for the rest of March. Must resist temptation..must..

Random conversation of the day!

2008-03-11T17:57:00.005+05:00

While my brain currently feels like its going to explode spewing PDF files, Excel sheets and other must-do priorities, it isn't made easier by all the chaos in my life and in my country.

Its 3 PM, and I'm still slightly disconcerted with how my morning went.

Rushed out of the house, lugging backpack to find a cab for meeting with our grant body.
I looked behind me, only to see a huge bunch of 'protestors' nonchalantly walking up the sloping street I live on. My first Jordanian rally/protest, yay!

Though, I'm still unsure if it really was a protest..because the bunch of people were carrying banners, huge flags of Jordan, had police/army escorts and a bunch of photographers clicking away. There were..no slogans. Even the random protests at the Karachi Press Club have more noise & spirit than what I witnessed. Truly disconcerting.

Anyway, find cab - and immediately after I get in:

Talkative taxi driver#2939247: "Where are you from?"
Me: "Pakistan"
Talkative taxi driver#2939247: "aah, not America?"
Me: "No, P-A-K-I-S-T-A-N"
Talkative taxi driver#2939247: "so you don't have an American passport"
Me: "No.."
Talkative taxi driver#2939247: "ah, do you like Americans?"
Me: "Err.." made noncommittal gesture. You never know how people are going to react to your answer.
Talkative taxi driver#2939247: "Yes, too many Americans in Pakistan.."

A number of the usual and not so usual questions followed..do women have to cover their head in Pakistan, how long have I been living in Jordan..and then:

Talkative taxi driver#2939247: "why not speak Arabic?"
Me: "I can read & write it! Plus I work with foreigners.."
Talkative taxi driver#2939247: "Americans?!"
Me: "No.."

This is not a conversation you want to have when going to a meeting with an agency funded by the Americans..I'm convinced he could've been from the Intelligence, but then, I'm also convinced I saw a ghost pass outside the window of my house a couple of days ago..

P.S: Watching The Crystal Maze on YouTube is a good way to cure stress issues! 'And you've only got two crystals../To the Medieval zone!' ..love YouTube :D

'Who are you gonna call? Whatchoo gonna do when you're stuck in the airport zoo?'

2008-03-04T21:53:00.005+05:00

..or Telecommunication in Transit

Alright people, you'd better watch your feet cos I'm about to drop some knowledge. Haha, I love Barney Stinson's lines! :D

Anyway, over the course of many a discussion and random caffeine inspired moment of idle thinking, I have come up with the following theory: 'Telecommunication in Transit/the Airport Call theory'. Its been born out of listening and trying to interpret the countless stories people tell me (read: my friends with 'extremely interesting / the stuff soap opera dramas are made of' love lives).

Now basically how it goes is this: you're at an airport, killing time in a departure lounge. Depending on your luck, the lounge probably has minimal forms of distraction & entertainment, but you have your cell phone. Obviously, you can pick the phone up and call a friend who will undoubtedly listen to your ranting and raving, but thats not what you do. You call or text someone who you truly care about - whether its a new crush, your boy/girlfriend, someone you're undeniably attracted to.

However, you don't do this intentionally, and this is where it gets interesting. They're the ones that currently matter to you the most, so you call/text them. You think you're doing it because hey, maybe h/she is an insomniac or you miss speaking to him/her - but the truth is, you just want to be with them. See, this is a sign of how you can tell if you really like someone - if you can talk to him/her at an ungodly hour from a different timezone, this is the person you want to end up with.

So the next time you're in transit, desperately trying to find free wifi or thanking God that your cell phone has extensive roaming (instead of window shopping at duty free or drinking at 7 AM at an airport bar), or trying to hide your phone from the flight attendant because you want to send one last message before the plane takes off - remember: this is who you (regardless of how much you convince yourself or tell your friends that its just a fling/random crush) want to be with. The Airport Call theory has spoken.

Sunday bloody Sunday

2008-03-02T22:25:00.003+05:00

..or why Sundays suck.

Despite having been in Jordan for 8.5 months (wallahi, has it been that long already?!), I still haven't got used to the Friday - Saturday weekend. It was fun when I was a kid in the Emirates and Saturdays were reserved for bubble baths and some sort of essay writing*. Anyway, I feel cheated out of a holiday regardless of whether I spent most of the weekend wrapped up in a comforter catching up on sleep. Perhaps its because most of the world that I see popping up online is enjoying a relaxing Sunday while I..well, try to get my mind to wake up and work.

Take for example this Sunday, where..

...our MC meeting began to resemble a circus show (perhaps this is due to the fact that a teammate was juggling things and jumping around today during said meeting) and intense caffeine starvation could be marked by the number of cups strewn around us.

...my schedule looks empty, and Monday looks packed. Perhaps this is an indicator that Monday really is, when my week starts off.

...I must have sounded like someone on a mood-altering drug, because during a coaching meeting I said the following things:

- Account Management is like a game of Snakes & Ladders
- AIESEC's like a big factory!
- Used an analogy of a local fast food chain selling bacteria ridden juice to explain bad quality exchange

Sundays suck. The only thing that is getting me through today is free coffee refills and the song 'The Salt Wound Routine' by Thirteen Senses. I want to be eating aloo parathas instead of looking at open documents that require my undivided attention but right now, make absolutely no sense. Snakes & ladders, anyone?

*in what now appears to be a fervent bid on my parents' part to make my sister and me writers, we had to write an essay every weekend on something - whether it was a trip to the zoo or something or letter writing (which when it was in Urdu, was usually a grueling exercise) However, I do recall also writing out long lists on Saturdays which usually involved wish lists of toys (which we'd never get)/books(which we'd always get, until our parents discovered it'd be cheaper to get us books from Pakistan since we read everything we got in hours and hence brand new shiny books would lay untouched for months afterwards). Hmm, so this list thing is a childhood habit then..

hum dekheinge

2008-02-19T21:41:00.000+05:00

Ghazi Salahuddin on Newsday, Geo TV -- 'in 1970, we'd been given the gift of hope..and now we have that again'.

I haven't felt optimistic about Pakistan's future in a long time. Let it not be short lived.

A fragmented existence

2008-02-09T22:51:00.000+05:00

It feels strange, these days. Sometimes I wonder if im losing my mind, or am just too tired by the time , but everywere I look around I feel like I am seeing scenes from home. I thought the TV screen in a coffeeshop was showing a Pakistani TV channel, and I often see people who look vaguely familiar, except they’re not at all.

In the past few months, I have become acutely aware of behavioral system clashes – I realize so many of the behaviors I sought to adhere to at home clash with how people act and behave here. This is purely related to AIESEC, because culturally I find other differences, of a more pleasant kind. But the acute feeling of homesickness, (that I think I am proud of feeling, simply because it tells me of what are the things I valued and miss, as opposed to when I lived at home, and so many things were what I took for granted). But the feeling of being lost in translation, of having blank looks and stares on either sides, of people just not understanding that this (the introverted, quiet person) is who I really am, and I am not uncaring, its because I find the seemingly required change process, against what I believe in and stand for.

This is not meant to be a reflection on all the people I have met and worked with in this country, for even in the madding crowds, I have met people who simultaneously keep up a constant flow of bilingual translation and make an effort at empathy.

I speak to three of my closest friends almost everyday, and between our common sighs, crazy plans for the future and an understanding that we are trying to come to terms with our past and our present and our future, I realize that to me, it is truly love, friendship and all the sappy annotations personified when I know that despite them being tired, overworked, exhausted, battling different timezones, expensive text messaging rates and faulty internet connections, I can always reach out and chatter on. And despite the fact that sometimes it is very, very hard for me to explain what it really is that is going through my head, or for me to understand stories in fragments, it has kept me going, helped me smile, and helped me breathe when I wanted to panic and board a plane going anywhere.

Here's to our collective pasts, presents and futures. My coffee cup brimmeth over.

whatever gets you through today

2008-02-06T00:06:00.002+05:00

Is it only Tuesday? Perhaps a pitfall of working through two weekends has made me forget what sleeping in means as a concept. Envy friends who yesterday went offline touting (read: taunting me) great plans of sleeping in and watching TV all day under the guise of the Kashmir Day holiday. Though one friend has nothing to be envied for thanks to Murphy's law. HA!

Signs I am too tired?

Sang along to Sunday by Sia until I went hoarse and began fearing for complaints from neighbours.

Had an email conversation with a member yesterday where I kept reiterating I was 'free on Tuesday, but not tomorrow' until she kindly pointed out that tomorrow was Tuesday. Embarassed enough to want to die in shame when calendar pointed out the same truth.

Had nonsensical babbling conversation with Alex at 8 AM this morning, which involved us having a pretend sales meeting online. Also featured Bob the flunky, now that I read the chat again. Wonder if Bob actually exists. At 8 AM, I suppose imaginary participants in imaginary sales meetings are awake and functioning.

Bought a phone card with the aim of killing two birds with one stone - calling the family and break a 50 JD note. Left card in shop and only remembered it 5 hours later. Thankfully did not forget change from 50 JD.

Spent 20 minutes talking to myself about the benefits of leaving warm, warm house and going out in the cold to buy junk food goodness.

Inspired by dysfunctional relationships and lives of friends to begin writing the Great Pakistani novel. Abandoned attempt after two lines and thought of friends suing me years later over privacy infringement (read: washing their dirty laundry in public / exaggerating their dysfunctionality / pointing fun at them while pretending to be Great Pakistani Author)

Trying to nap, cat-like, in front of heater. Realize I am not a cat and hence cannot fit entire anatomy in front of the heater. Miss cat. Wonder how cat is faring now that temps in Karachi are dipping to 0 degrees Celsius.

See enough Excel sheets to start thinking life would be much simpler if everything came on Excel, with a neat formula to sum up everything. Realize life is not Excel, and laptop is not lifeline in the manner of oxygen tank.

somewhere, a clock is ticking

2008-02-01T21:32:00.000+05:00

The snow is melting outside. I am sitting inside my very cozy and newly cleaned up apartment, listening to the Jab We Met soundtrack on repeat. There's something about listening to Pakistani/Indian music these days - everytime I do, I want to be home singing aloud madly with friends from home, I want to dance at a wedding, I want to wear bright clothes and not be swathed in five layers like I am now in this wintry, wintry city. I am such a far, far way from home that the long voice chats I have had with E & S have helped me feel like I have brought a small part of home into my living room, but then they say things that make me ache for familiarity, even E going offline because of a scheduled electricity blackout. Which reminds me, the complete closure of Amman because of the snow reminds me of strikes in Karachi. What an odd thing to remember.

Questions about my personal life have begun to scare me. I don't have time to think about this, I don't have time to think about this, goes the refrain in my head - and when I am confronted with questions that force me to think my head goes blank. You know, like that moment in a Calculus exam when nothing makes sense, and you wish you were anywhere, anywhere but here?

Someone asked me a few days ago how I still felt an identity crisis everytime I leave and arrive back to Jordan. I have no idea why, but the question of the nomadic existence has popped up in conversations recently, and despite the fact that I haven't been as much of a nomad as some of my other friends, the thought of even seeing the inside of an airport is giving me hives. Going from airport to airport, filled with a sense of trepidation or excitement, replete with a soundtrack to match, playing on repeat in my head and on my mp3 player - I am living this much-coveted dream finally, instead of wondering about it (because now, when I see people saying that they want to travel the world, I wonder whether they know how much it can emotionally make or break you?)

I haven't written anything meaningful in a while, and I have an entire folder full of thoughts and emotions from everything I felt when I first arrived. Is this writer's block or just the fact that familiarity has now transcended everything? The conflicting feelings of wanting to stay and wanting to move on are blending into nothingness. I have to be awake in 5 hours and all I want to do is to wake someone up so I can talk to them, or wish I had asked someone to stay awake so I could talk. Except these days, I rarely make any sense at all.

Oh well. As always, GetFuzzy says it best:

SNOW!

2008-01-30T12:10:00.000+05:00