Better Than I Ever Expected: Sex and Aging

Lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk -- what now?

2009-07-10T16:14:00.000-07:00

"Way to go, Chip. Well said," Gruffalo commented on my July 9, 2009 blog post, Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin.” "Now the really silly thing is that the first step is difficult. If you love, cherish and like each other, but you've lost the habit of physical intimacy and lovetalk, it feels strange, embarrassing and artificial to start. I know, one step at a time, but how to start?"

Chip returned a thoughtful response that was so helpful that I'm devoting this post to it, rather than leaving it as a comment that might be overlooked:

There is no one-size-fits-all answer to your question. Without knowing your history, how you came to lose the habit of intimacy, what each of you dreams your relationship could be, it’s very hard to tell you what your best first step might be.

If you were a client in my Intimacy Coaching practice, I would ask, Have the two of you ever talked about the “inertia” that has turned your sex life into a dead zone? Is either of you on medications that might be reducing your libido? Has erectile unreliability become an issue? There are so many ways to be unhappy.

In general, if we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten. A great way to move past the embarrassment and artificiality is to change something -- anything. A place for you to start is to notice and change your thoughts that get in the way of you starting.

Noticing and actively changing thoughts that don’t serve you is a good way to get up the courage to start a conversation. Perhaps begin a conversation by sharing your appreciation of your partner. Another step might be to reach out and hold hands when you are walking together. Another step might be to print out this page and ask your partner to read it. Another step might be to ask, “May I gently caress your face?”

The best first step is whatever step you actually take.

Be bold. What have you got to lose?

Chas. "Chip" August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com

Chip August: “Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin”

2009-07-09T13:25:00.000-07:00

Charles “Chip” August, Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, interviewed me on his “Sex, Love & Intimacy” internet radio show. Now it’s my turn to interview Chip:

JP: I understand you’re writing a book titled “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Do you see many later-life couples in sexless marriages?

CA: As a Couples Intimacy Coach, I have met and worked with hundreds of couples struggling with unsatisfactory sex lives, most in their 40s, 50s and 60s. But it’s not just my experience. Recently I saw a blog from Dr. Phil where he writes: “sexless marriages are an undeniable epidemic.”

JP: Why do these couples give up on sexual intimacy? Do they say it’s because of physical changes?

CA: One major factor behind the “death” of sexuality in long-term relationships is changes in our physiology brought on by aging. As young, sexually active adults, we take for granted that feelings of arousal will be accompanied by tumescence (the swelling of genital tissues), erections (nipples, clitoris, penis) and lubrication. In our minds we link these physical experiences to the idea of arousal. As we age we seem to forget all the other feelings, emotions and sensations associated with arousal.

JP: What happens emotionally when those physiological responses change?

CA: Later in life, when erections and lubrication are less certain, we falsely assume that it is the end of sexuality. It’s as if we have forgotten all the other feelings, emotions and sensations associated with arousal. We seem to forget how hot it once was to hold hands, to kiss, to talk nonsense for hours into a phone late at night, to dance, to finish each other’s sentences.

JP: I often hear from women whose men have given up on sex when their penises don’t work like they used to. I also hear from men whose women don’t want sex because they say it’s no longer comfortable or pleasurable. How can these couples reconnect?

CA: I believe human beings are designed for a lifetime of sexuality. There are many causes for a man’s erection to become unreliable or even impossible, and just as many causes for a woman’s vagina to stop lubricating or hurt. These symptoms are sometimes physiological, sometimes psychological, and sometimes just requiring a bit of education.

If your body does not work the way you believe it should, or you are experiencing a loss of desire, see your doctor, as these could be symptoms of various medical/health problems, psychiatric problems, low levels of testosterone or high levels of prolactine. Low sexual desire can also be a side effect of various medications.

JP: Besides physical changes, why else do couples give up on sexual intimacy?

CA: Beliefs about sexuality that support the idea that sex is really for “young” people. Our culture fosters age-ist, sex-negative beliefs. Most people don't realize that sex is meant to get better and better as a relationship matures. They've bought into the idea that they can’t have a rockin' sex life if they’re no longer young and the relationship is no longer new. They believe myths that sabotage their sex lives, such as “Sex just doesn’t feel good anymore—sometimes it even hurts—but I can't talk about that with my husband,” and the most disastrous belief of all: “Passion always dies in a long-term marriage; it's the price you pay for stability.”

JP: How do you coach people in a sexless marriage to become lovers again?

CA: To become lovers again means behaving as lovers do. When we are in new relationship energy, we gaze into each other’s eyes, we kiss, we phone and email. We send cute cards, buy flowers, go out to dinner, and go for long walks. We make time just for us.

JP: And most couples stop behaving like lovers as the relationship matures?

CA: If we spent as little time and attention working at our jobs as we spend on our relationship, most of us would be unemployed. Relationships take time. Make dates (and keep them). Get naked together and just hold each other and talk. Park with your sweetie by the lake, the beach, the overlook, and neck like you were 17 again.

JP: What’s your most important message for improving senior sex and relationships?

CA: It saddens me that sex has become so genitally focused. Our biggest erogenous zone is between our ears – our mind. Sex isn’t just a piece of skin wiggling around in some other skin. Penises in vaginas are a necessity for procreation. Sex is about intimate connection and shared vulnerability. Sex is stroking each other from head to toe, eye-gazing, shared laughter and shared thoughts. Sex is kissing and hugging and dancing. Sex is lying naked in each other’s arms listening to our hearts beating. Sex is about surrender and control, about laughing and crying.

Chas. "Chip" August is a Personal Growth and Couples Intimacy Coach, host of “Sex, Love & Intimacy” an internet radio show, and author of the soon to be published “Marital Passion: The Sexless Marriage Makeover.” Chip sees clients at his office in Northern California and also does phone-coaching, phone: 1(650) 391-7763, email him at ChasAugust@gMail.com

"Booty call" at 64?

2009-07-07T15:45:00.000-07:00

Arlette, age 64, sent me her interview questionnaire for my new book, and I'm puzzling over something. What did we call "booty call" before that term was invented? What would we seniors call it now?

Arlette is single, independent, loves her solitude, and loves sex. She has a partner who feels the same. They have great sex and good conversation, then she goes back to her life and he to his. They're not living together or dating; they're just having uncomplicated, uninhibited, and exuberant sex when they want to.

Arlette writes me that she's living her fantasies -- and I'm delighted for her. I'm just wondering if we have a term to describe the relationship that's a bit more elegant or mature than "booty call"? (She didn't call it that -- I just can't think of what to use instead.)

I know, some of you will tell me that this kind of relationship doesn't warrant an elegant or mature term, but I don't agree. If we don't do exactly what we want at our age, when will we? I'm curious to know what you think.

No Erection, No Intimacy, No Discussion

2009-07-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

Molly, age 63, wrote a comment that was featured in a blog post titled "He thinks he can't please her without an erection, so why bother?" She recently emailed me an update, and I asked her permission to share it with you:

I wanted to thank you for trying to help with my situation. I was the person who asked what to do when he doesn't want to have intimacy anymore because he couldn't get an erection. He just said "why bother?"

Unfortunately, our relationship ended. Not by me, by him. He does not communicate in any way with me. I've tried everything to get him to talk to me, but it's as if I've fallen off the face of the earth. This is after over two year relationship.

I took your advice and have contacted a therapist. She has been a great help to me. But somehow I think he would benefit so much from seeing someone, too.

It's just so unfortunate that my guy thinks so little of our relationship that he only based it on one thing. I wish I could try to turn back time and make him understand that an erection is not everything in a loving sex life. But that's not possible, he has completely cut me out of his life. Won't talk, or accept any communication from me.

I still love the man and I think I always will. It's so sad. Life is so very short not to enjoy it all.

Thanks again for your wonderful blog, I can't tell you enough how it has helped me cope.

I feel the heartbreak in Molly's words. She obviously loves this man, but he has shut her out completely.

I don’t think, though, that Molly's partner’s inability to communicate or accept her loving means that their relationship doesn’t mean enough. I think he's devastated and depressed by what he perceives to be the end of sexual possibility. It isn't, we know that, but that's how he sees it. He may be too stuck and too afraid to seek help.

I hear from men who say they have to unlearn the “I am my penis” lessons they learned as boys and teens. This notion becomes deeply ingrained and is a difficult lesson to unlearn, but the old story no longer serves them, or us.

I know it was difficult for Molly to share her story here, and I hope, readers, that you'll show her how valuable it was by sharing what you learn here that helps in your own relationship. I'm sure she'll welcome your warm comments.

Vajayjay: Do We Need That Word, Oprah?

2009-07-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

Many bloggers and YouTubers have commented on Oprah's use of the cutesy "va-jay-jay" during her otherwise open discussions about women's sexuality. She didn't invent the term -- the then-pregnant character Dr. Miranda Bailey introduced the term on Grey's Anatomy on Feb. 12, 2006, when she chastised a male intern by saying, “Stop looking at my vajayjay.”

The term caught on rapidly, especially after Oprah adopted it, and even the New York Times discussed the vajajay trend. According to the NYT, Grey's Anatomy's creator and executive producer Shonda Rhimes fought to use vagina in the script instead:

"I had written an episode during the second season of ‘Grey’s’ in which we used the word vagina a great many times (perhaps 11),” Ms. Rhimes wrote in an e-mail message. “Now, we’d once used the word penis 17 times in a single episode and no one blinked. But with vagina, the good folks at broadcast standards and practices blinked over and over and over. I think no one is comfortable experiencing the female anatomy out loud — which is a shame considering our anatomy is half the population.”

Now you hear "vajayjay"on television shows, read it in blogs, see spoofs on YouTube (don't miss The Soup: Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay, and accept it as the cute, friendly, non-graphic, inoffensive way to say vagina or vulva. (The vagina is the canal; the vulva includes the whole area: labia, clitoris, pubic mound, and vagina.) As the linguist John H. McWhorter said, as quoted in the NYT, “It sounds warm and familiar and it almost makes the vagina feel like a little cartoon character with eyes that walks around.”

It occurred to me that if Oprah adopted "pe-pee-pee" as her pet word for "penis," it wouldn't sound as endearing.

Tell me, do you find "vajayjay" a useful addition to our lexicon? Do you like it? Do you use it? Personally, I prefer vajayjay to other, more demeaning slang words for female genitals, but I'd rather hear the anatomical terms normalized and accepted.

How about you?

Joan's First Cuddle Party

2009-07-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

"May I touch your shoulder?"
"Yes."
"My I rest my leg on your leg?"
"Yes."
"May I stroke your ribs?"
"No."
"May I join your spoon train?"
"Yes."

I attended my first official Cuddle Party last night. Cuddle Parties are led by trained facilitators to enable people to experience more touching in a completely non-sexual way. Most of us don't get enough touch in our lives, or only get touched through sex, if we're in a relationship, or brief hugs if we're not.

Our skin and our emotions crave touching, holding, caressing. The purpose of a Cuddle Party is to enable people -- usually strangers, at least for the first few minutes -- to enjoy and feel safe touching and holding each other for hours.

Yes, hours. We had 45 minutes of rules and exercises (e.g. saying "no") first, then at about 7:30 p.m. we were let loose to cuddle anyone and everyone we wanted (as long as they said "yes") for 2-1/2 hours.

The Cuddle Party took place on a living room floor covered with sheets, comforters, and pillows. There were about a dozen of us, roughly gender-balanced, mostly clad in pajamas. The skilled facilitator and two assistants participated fully and were always available in case someone wanted any kind of assistance.

"Always ask before touching, and be specific about what you want to touch," we were instructed. "No" means "no" and needs no defense or explanation. If we're not sure, we say "no." We can change our minds at any time. We can ask for what we want to receive as well as what we want to do. Clothes stay on, and if we experience feelings of arousal from all this body contact, we do not act on those feelings.

I joined four other people who were spooning, and I enjoyed being cradled in a warm body sandwich. We asked for permission to touch shoulders, backs, legs, hair, thighs. The tricky stage was trying to change position -- if one person wanted to turn around, we all had to adjust and start asking for permission all over again.

If it sounds like fun, it was. It felt completely safe and relaxed -- even jovial. We could get up, get a snack (no alcohol), come back to the pile of people and decide whom to approach as the next cuddle partner(s).

To find out more about Cuddle Parties and track down one happening near you, visit http://cuddleparty.com//

Naked At Our Age: an invitation

2009-06-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

What's stopping you from having a satisfying sex life as a senior or elder?

Almost four years after publication of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty, I am working on my new book on sex and aging: Naked at Our Age. This book will concentrate on the sexual problems and challenges we face as women and men 50 - 80+ and how to resolve them and enjoy our sexuality throughout our lives.

I invite you to submit your candid questions, problems, and real-life experiences, which will be the focus of Naked at Our Age, with commentary and tips from sex therapists, physicians, couples counselors, and other valuable experts.

The problem with Better Than I Ever Expected, many readers told me, was that it was too upbeat! “My sex life isn’t ‘better than I ever expected,’” many of you wrote me, and here’s why it’s not….” You confided questions and problems and shared intimate details of your obstacles to a satisfying sex life in later life, and you continue to write to me, thank you.

That's why I'm inviting all of you to tell me which problems and issues you hope my new book will address, what experiences you'd like to learn about, and what questions you wish you could ask an expert (I'll find the right expert to answer you). Post a comment below -- instructions here if this is new to you -- or, if you'd like me to follow up with you, email me.

If you'd like a copy of the interview to be a part of this new book, please email me and I'll send it right out.

To the wonderful people who have already sent me your interviews, questions, and stories, and shared so candidly the intimate details of your personal experiences: Thank you. Please accept my apology for the delay. I'm sure you understand that my dear Robert's illness and death put this project on hold. I'll be writing you all personally within the next few days to invite updates to your stories.

I also apologize if you've emailed me questions and not heard from me. I'm 300 emails behind, and I'm working on catching up.

Thank you!

Joan

If Not Now, When Do We Live Fully?

2009-06-25T16:23:00.000-07:00

"Putting your own life/needs/emotions on hold can’t be healthy for you," I told someone yesterday, and it reminds me of how often I find myself saying that.

A reader writes that she has a sexless and even touchless marriage, but can't support herself financially so she's staying. A male friend of mine in his sixties can't decide whether his current relationship is right for him, so he doesn't decide, he just goes along. A reader in his fifties will start exploring relationships after he moves. A woman says she will feel sexier after she loses weight. A couple hasn't had sex for years but won't see a therapist because they think they should figure it out on their own.

I often ask people of our age who have put their own happiness and passions on hold, “If not now, when?”

If you’ve read much of my blog, you know that I lost my beloved husband, Robert Rice, to cancer last August. He was an artist, a dancer, a thinker, and a teacher to all who knew him. As long as he could stand upright, he painted in his studio every day, creating amazing art, yet always striving for that elusive best painting -- maybe his next. He painted some of his most magnificent work in his last two years.

“Do you feel like you’re living on borrowed time,” I asked Robert one morning as he pulled on his paint-splattered jeans and sweater.

“I AM living on borrowed time,” he told me. Then he kissed me and rushed off to tend his garden for a couple of hours before heading to the studio.

I’m making myself cry writing this, but I admired him (and admire him still) for always going towards his goals, his love for life and creativity, and his passion for love itself, even when he knew he was dying.

We all have a death sentence, we just don’t know when it is. As we age, though, we get many reminders of our mortality, some subtle (aches in new places, parts that don’t work 100% like they used to), some not subtle at all (a cancer diagnosis, a spinal or hip fracture, parts that don't work at all).

It seems to me that we have a responsibility to ourselves and to life itself to live fully, productively, and lovingly -- as long as we can.

As I reread this post, I realize that it's a lesson I have to relearn in my own life now as I emerge from the dark place of grief and make my way back to life, work, sunshine, and joy.

Thank you, Robert, for the lessons you taught me so well.

Blowguard: A New Kind of Safe Sex?

2009-06-25T13:22:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: The following is NOT my usual "I've tried it and it's good" review -- it's not a review at all. I have never used the Blowguard or seen it (except in Web photos). I am NOT promoting this product and have no idea if it's good, or if anyone needs it in the first place, or even if it's for real. So why am I writing about it? If I don't, who will?

Fellatio without teeth. I know, if that's one of your sex acts of choice, you've had decades of experience learning how NOT to use your teeth while giving a man the pleasures of oral sex. But pretend for a moment that you haven't learned how to control your dental attributes (or you've been watching True Blood on HBO before sex), and your guy scoots into a corner of the bed and hides under the covers when your mouth approaches his nether regions. The Blowguard, apparently, was invented to address the problem of enamel (or fangs) meeting penis. It also holds dentures in place during oral sex play, if you read the website carefully.

Now here's the scary part: The Blowguard has a mini-vibrator in it. That may appeal to the fellatio recipient, but I can't imagine it would feel good (or safe) to the giver who now has a mouthful of vibrating plastic. If you've tried this product, I hope you'll leave a comment. (No advertising, just user comments, please.)

I'd love to hear from you with your tales of teeth + penis, if this is indeed a big problem out there. I'd also like your suggestions for more weird sex devices to tell all of you about -- either odd devices that are available now, or some that ought to be invented... or not.

SF Bay Area Man, 62, seeks compatible woman

2009-06-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

I get emails from both men and women of our age, wondering if the partners they seek exist, and if so, where to find them. Sometimes their emails to me sound like enticing personals ads or online dating profiles, like this one from Ron:

Transplanted New Yawker now living in the San Francisco Bay Area - youthful, intelligent, energetic, 62-year-old product of the '60s who finds himself alone and both emotionally and sexually frustrated.

I'm looking for a woman compatible with my philosophy and lifestyle: vegetarian, environmental/animal advocate, non-materialistic though not ascetic, nature lover, low-tech. I have many interests and possess an irreverent, warped, at times bawdy sense of humor. A good conversationalist/listener, playful and mature for my age (LOL). Still some hair left on my head, diminutive in stature but in proportion to my weight, free of facial follicles, metal implants or body art (prefer women who can say the same). Have become a rather serious birder and am involved with the local Audubon chapter. Enjoy movies, walks, live music, travel, photography, among other activities.

My libido is very much intact, even if the machinery does not work as it once did. My imagination, creativity and desire to please and be pleased in the erotic realm, however, have not abated one bit.

My ideal woman would be intelligent, mature, funny, affectionate, compassionate, easygoing, down to earth, love the outdoors and animals, have a good head on her shoulders, serious when warranted but able to find the humor in almost anything. Maybe an earth mother type who has retained the best of traditional hippie values but with some seasoning and wisdom that comes with age and experience. Someone who has the time and inclination to literally and figuratively stop to smell the roses, listen to the birds sing and share the simple pleasures of life.

I have not clicked with anyone for quite some time and no longer even know where to find potentially appropriate partners. What's a boy to do?

I generally refuse to do matchmaking, but over several emails, Ron has struck me as someone who has a lot to give. If you live in the SF Bay Area and you're a great fit for Ron, email me and I'll see what I can do to put you together -- just this once, though!

For the rest of you, can you help me advise Ron where he will meet women with like interests in the SF Bay Area? I have a few ideas where women who fit Ron's wish list might be hanging out, and I invite you to lengthen my list:

Join Sierra Singles.
Set up a birding singles group.
Spend this weekend at the Kate Wolf Festival .
Spend time in Berkeley, West Marin, and Sebastopol.
Take my line dancing class in Sebastopol or Santa Rosa. (80-90% of line dancers are women, very friendly and welcoming, and most have single women friends.)

Senior Sex & Vibrators: Myths & Facts

2009-06-23T09:45:00.000-07:00

You're asking intriguing questions about sex toys and senior sex lately, both out loud and by email, and I'm hearing some misconceptions I'd like to clear up.

Q: Doesn't using a vibrator decrease sensitivity over time so I won't have orgasms as easily?

A: Actually, it's the opposite. As we age, we get less blood flow to the clitoris and vagina, and the vaginal walls get thinner. Most of us need more arousal time and more time to reach orgasm after we're aroused. Vibrators enhance sensitivity by increasing blood flow to the genitals quickly and powerfully, and by directly stimulating the clitoris. (The clitoris is our #2 pleasure hot spot -- #1 is our brain!)

Q: My lover is worried that if I use a vibrator, I'll prefer it to him.

A: Not a chance. A vibrator may give you quicker orgasms (that's what it's made for, after all), but it doesn't cuddle well or kiss or laugh, and pillow talk with a vibrator is really boring. It either buzzes or it doesn't. It's a dull companion -- except when you need a sexual assist.

Q: My lover says I should reach orgasm "naturally" and not have to use a sex toy.

A: I hate those "should's." Point out to him where his penis contacts you during intercourse vs. where your clitoris resides. And when he arouses you manually, which I hope he does, point out that he's less likely to get carpal tunnel syndrome from your long arousal time if he incorporates a vibrator in arousal play. That's right, it's not a choice between him or it -- make it a threesome: the two of you using the vibrator together.

Q: I had two friends who burned themselves with sex toys. Aren't they dangerous?

A: The cheaper ones are cheap for a reason. They generally have no quality standards in materials or construction -- they're called "novelty items," and I don't recommend them. If your eyes widen at the price of the vibrators I recommend on this blog, consider that I only recommend safe products of medical-grade materials, careful construction, and the best design and function for our older (still sexually passionate!) bodies. You're paying for research & development and high-quality material that won't degrade, leach chemicals, break, overheat, or burn. That's also why I recommend shopping in woman-friendly sex shops (brick-and-mortar or online) with an emphasis on health and education, like the ones I link to.

Q: I've been reading your blog for three years, and suddenly it's sex toys, sex toys, sex toys.

A: I've been a widow for 10-1/2 months. 'Nuff said?

Younger Men Seeking Older Women

2009-06-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

I get frequent emails from men age 19-40+ who are attracted to women age 50-70+. They ask me how to meet women who might be open to a relationship with a much younger man.

I also hear from women who are surprised by -- and welcome! -- a younger man's interest, and others who would rather not date someone younger than their son. An example in that last camp is "Granny B" who describes her blog this way:

GrannyBoogies on the highway of life!
The life and adventures of a senior woman looking for her last Love. Is there sex after 70? Do senior dating services work? Will Granny find her soul mate?

Granny B recently posted about being pursued by a younger man via an online dating site. I posted this comment on her blog:

On my blog about sex and aging, I hear from younger men all the time who are attracted to older women and ask how to connect with them. These men say they value the woman's experience, self-knowledge, ease of communication in and out of bed. If you're honestly not attracted to a man younger than your son (every man is somebody's son!), then you're right to send him on his way gently. But if you're intrigued, you might get to know him!

Many of the younger men who write me describe warm memories about being introduced to sex by an older woman. Others tell me they respond to the wisdom and maturity of an older woman.

Check out my other posts on this subject.

Note to the men who want to talk about this. Yes, I welcome your comments here and your emails to me, but please -- we're talking about this subject with dignity. Do not send me your masturbatory fantasies or make me the object of them! (Please don't be insulted by this request -- I'm only saying this because it has happened a few times and that's not what this blog is about.)

LELO's GIGI: slim, smooth, sensual

2009-06-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

Sex-toy designers are catching on to the notion that sexual enhancement products (okay, vibrators) that work best for women's anatomy might not be in the shape of a penis (or dolphin, rabbit, and so on) but rather a design that actually fits the way we're shaped and makes contact with our hot spots most effectively. As we age, our bed buddy also needs to be pleasant to hold for an extended time without inflaming arthritic wrists or burning out before we do.

I've had the pleasure of testing the lovely GIGI "sensual pleasure object" from LELO. The rechargeable GIGI specializes in G-spot stimulation, and it's also dandy for clitoral stimulation. (If you like both, just alternate placement!) Choose from five intensities/modes, or vary as your arousal increases. I would have liked just one more, extremely intense setting, but for the size, it's amazing.

It's also quiet, in case the grandkids are in the next room. The part that does its magic is available in rose (pictured, though it's not as shocking a color as my point-and-shoot camera thinks), turquoise, or "petal pink" to match the decor or make it easy to find in the toybox. A lovely product!

As you'll see from other recent sex-toy reviews, we now have a swell selection to choose from or alternate, if you like variety. Thank you, designers, and enjoy, dear readers!

Speaking Up for "Pro-Aging"

2009-06-18T10:35:00.000-07:00

Being pro-age is the antidote to anti-age marketing, proclaims Debra D. Bass in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 06/06/2009.

"Aging is not optional, so forgive me if I'm a little annoyed by the 'anti-age' marketing bandwagon," writes Ms. Bass. "...In response to the ridiculousness, I've adopted a pro-aging policy."

So have I! I relish aging, because -- let's face it -- the alternative is dying. Let's see, aging... dying... aging... dying -- is it even a fair fight to select the winner?

When Robert died -- far too young, just 71, and in the prime of his emotional life, his creativity, and his ability to love fully -- I wished he had been able to get old. Why do we fight it?

I knew a young (by my standards) man who was devastated by his oncoming 40th birthday. Loving his youth, good looks, and physical prowess, he kept saying, "I can't turn 40!" He died in a motorcycle crash right before turning 40.

Be careful what you say and believe, and instead of fearing and hating aging, embrace it.

I grew up always looking years younger than I was, a real problem in my childhood and adolescence, but not so bad as the decades swiftly passed. Now, at 65, I do believe I look my age (remind me to post a current photo), and I'm happily settled into this aging process and the emotional growth that goes with it.

Don't think I'm sitting back and letting my body fall apart: I dance nine or more hours a week, do an hour of Pilates twice a week, and aim for 10,000+ steps every day. (I wear an Omron pedometer everywhere, to the amusement of my friends.) I'm trying to redefine what aging looks like and feels like by staying physically and mentally fit and focused.

This blog is about sex and aging, and I firmly believe that how we feel about our own aging process affects everything else, including sex, relationships, the love we have to give, and our enjoyment of life. Robert and I gloried in our aging bodies. We saw wrinkles as badges of experience, and every tingly sensation we experienced together or apart was reason to exalt the joy (and face the challenges) of living in aging bodies.

Heating Up with Emotional Bliss

2009-06-14T08:36:00.000-07:00

What a lovely day when my special package of solo sex accoutrements from Emotional Bliss arrived from England! From the moment I opened the box, I was impressed by the elegant design of these vibrators -- I mean "intimate massagers" -- designed for women.

Emotional Bliss knows women. The Womolia and the Femblossom are both contoured to touch and surround a woman's most erotic nerve endings, not only the clitoris, but also the sensitive labia. The tapered tip can be inserted to stimulate the sensitive entrance to the vagina, or, if you prefer, it doesn't need to penetrate at all for more direct clitoral stimulation. Put it over your erotic contours and it will stay there, hands-free, or press or rock it with your hand for added intensity.

Speaking of intensity! The Womolia and the Femblossom tease you with nine vibrational speeds and intensities. Press the easily accessible button to make the vibrations stronger, milder, pulsing, steady, or surprising (some settings ramp the intensity up and down). One setting amps up in a way that reminds me of singing the scale -- Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-DO!

Besides the shape, the Womolia and the Femblossom are unique because they heat up! I mean literally. After about 15 minutes, they get deliciously hot. I don't mean they're overheating like some vibrators in our past that came with instructions to turn off after 20 minutes of use (at our age, 20 minutes may be just getting started). No, these erotic helpers are designed to get hot. The brochure suggests leaving the massager turned on for 10-15 minutes before use, but you might enjoy letting the warm-up happen while you're using it instead.

The difference between the two massagers is shape. The Femblossom stimulates the clitoris and a large area of the vulva, while the Womolia aims itself more directly at the clitoris and/or inserts readily into the first two inches of the vagina, the most sensitive area.

Want something small and subtle that you can use either solo or with a partner instead? The Isis and the Chandra are like vibrating fingers. Slide one on your(or a partner's)finger, push the button, and it becomes a vibrating extension of the finger wearing it. The Chandra is slightly larger and more intense then the Isis.

All of these vibrators are medical-grade silicone and come with a charger (you never have to deal with batteries), lubricant, and a blue storage box. The instruction booklet is detailed and dignified in text and photos, and even a first timer will learn exactly what to do and how. After that, experiment and enjoy!

Emotional Bliss is based in England and ships to the UK, Europe, and the USA. For other locations, contact them.

Changing society's view of senior sex

2009-06-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

I'm delighted that this blog has been selected by several sites for their "best of the web" list! Here are some honors we've received in the past few months:

Ultrasound Technician Schools lists Better Than I Ever Expected as one of the "50 Best Blogs for Your Anti-Aging Toolbelt" -- and the only blog dealing with sexuality.

Seniors for Living includes us in their Top 100 Senior Blogs & Web Sites, noting, "Joan Price offers straight talk about sex after 60, aiming to prove that older women are not sexless."

RN Central, a resource for nurses and nursing students, recommends our blog in its "Top 100 Health and Wellness Sites for Seniors."

It warms my heart that senior sex is finally becoming accepted in society as we struggle to talk out loud about it. When my book, Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty first came out at the end of 2005, it attracted media attention, partly because it made mainstream America go "Eeeeuuu, ick!" But now, so many books and magazine articles deal with senior sex that it's starting to be accepted as "normal," even trendy.

We're also listed on sex-positive sites that address all age groups. This is important, too, because we need to show young people that we sexy seniors/boomers/elders aren't alien creatures, and that our juniors have plenty to look forward to as they age.

Thank you to the forward-thinking people who selected this blog as worthy of their "best of" listings and blog rolls -- I appreciate it tremenously. And if you've just happened on this blog, welcome. Please stay a while and read past blog posts and comments. See the "labels" list at the right, or just sample at will.

As I like to say, we're changing society's view of sex and aging -- one mind at a time.

Wedded at 93 and 89

2009-06-09T08:36:00.000-07:00

"Each of us is living a lonely life. Why not get married?" Ebenezer Rose, 93, asked as he proposed to Monica Hayden, 89, reports Michael Laforgia in the Miami Herald. So they did.

Rose had been widowed for four years after 58 years of marriage; Hayden had survived two husbands. They had known each other through their church for 20 years, but only recently started keeping company.

As I start to heal after losing Robert ten months ago, I am struck by this story as a testament to the remarkable ability of the heart to heal after tremendous loss and open itself again to love. The story of Ebenezer Rose and Monica Hayden illustrates the power of love, whatever the age of the lovers, and the basic, human need for affection and intimacy.

Love and Lust with Bill and Desiree

2009-06-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

Bill and Desiree: Love is Timeless is a remarkably tender and realistic erotic documentary about senior sex from Comstock Films. Bill and Desiree are in love, and as erotic as their lovemaking are the heart-to-heart gazes they give each other, the intertwined fingers, the way Bill's hand lightly grazes Desiree's breast as they talk to the camera, the gentle corrections they make to each other's stories.

She looks in her 50s, he in his 60s, and their love is fresh and tender after 3-1/2 years together. They are buoyantly, joyously, agelessly sexual together, laughing as they make love, reveling in their connection. Much of the documentary is interview -- we hear how they met, where they first made love, why they love each other, and how important sex is to both of them. The commentary is interspersed with flashes of their sexual activity.

Then, done talking, they make love... for a long time. The lovemaking is clearly genuine, no "money shots" for the camera or fake screams or bouncing boobs. Instead, we see Bill give Desiree several orgasms with fingers, mouth, and toys before getting to the main course. Although we see every body part close up, we tend to focus on the love and joy in their faces (or at least I did) more than their delightfully frisky genitals.

I liked how unlike traditional porn this film is. This is an aging couple -- sexy, playful, and in love. They have body hair. They use lubricant. They make eye contact. He is dashing with his salt-and-pepper hair and fit body, and the softness of his caresses matters much more than the age spots on his hands. (She looks great, too, but I confess I spent most of my time watching him.)

Have you viewed this film or others like it? I hope you'll comment.

Women & Men Talk about Sex & Aging, Berkeley, CA

2009-06-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

If you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, I hope you’ll come to my June 15 workshop at Good Vibrations in Berkeley and forward the description below to your friends who might be interested.

The workshop will be informative and entertaining as we share attitudes, experiences, questions, and answers with other men and women our age. Bring your burning questions and an open mind, and be prepared to get candid answers! Thanks – and please let me know if you’re coming. -- Joan

From Good Vibrations:

Ask Me, I'll Tell You: Women and Men Talk about Sex and Aging (After Hours Workshop)
When: Mon, June 15, 8pm – 10pm
Where: Good Vibrations Berkeley, 2504 San Pablo Avenue (at Dwight Way), Berkeley, CA 94702

$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins; Please call 510-841-8987 to reserve a seat.

For many people, sex and aging are two of the hardest topics to talk about. Add in the challenges of communicating across the genders and it can sometimes seem impossible. But Joan Price, ageless sexuality advocate, and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty is here to help! In this interactive and fun discussion night, you'll have a chance to get the answers you're looking for. Joan will guide an evening of conversation and discovery, and will help everyone in the room learn from each other. For couples & singles, men & women. If you're 50+, or you plan to be, this workshop is for you. For more info about Joan, please visit her website at http://www.joanprice.com/ and her blog at http://www.betterthanieverexpected.blogspot.com/.

We strongly recommend reserving your seat in our workshops. Some of our classes fill up and signing up early will make sure you can attend them. Other workshops have smaller attendance and we may cancel an event if only a few people are signed up in advance. Early pre-registration is the best way to avoid disappointment.

Please call Good Vibrations at 510-841-8987 during store hours to register for this class. We’ll need your name, phone number and a credit card number to reserve a seat. However, we will only charge your card if you don’t come to the class and you don’t cancel your reservation by 3 pm on the day of the class. Registration fees can be paid in cash or credit card when you arrive. We’ll be open at 7:30 pm and all workshops are from 8-10 pm. We suggest that you plan to arrive a few minutes early to check in at the counter.

I’ll also be speaking at One Taste in San Francisco on August 21 – I'll post more details later.

Senior Sex + Internet Porn = ?

2009-06-02T13:03:00.000-07:00

Jake Lazere is conducting a research project with a professor in Applied Psychology at New York University about whether/ how/ how much people over sixty view Internet pornography. Jake invited me to pass his request along to you, writing, "Your blog is very important for supporting sexuality late in life; it helps dispel the myth that people over sixty are no longer sexually active and enables an open atmosphere for dialogue about a significant but often unacknowledged topic."

Jake describes the purpose of the survey:

Our survey would further shed light into the sexual activities of seniors for the academic community; it examines the role of Internet pornography on senior citizen sexuality. Because senior citizens today (age 60 and up for the sake of this study) are exposed to the internet much later in life than younger generations and because these same people grew up in a time when society was generally more sexually conservative, the information from previous studies on adolescents or adults and internet pornography can not be applied to this age demographic. Internet pornography is easily accessible, anonymous, and inexpensive, and it can have both beneficial (supplementary to a healthy sex life) and harmful (anti-social) outcomes; this study inquires about the use of internet pornography by senior citizens and the effects it has on their lives.

You know that I support efforts to combat the myths about senior sexuality by talking out loud (anonymous surveys are fine, too) about our attitudes, experiences, pleasures, and problems. Whether or not Internet pornography is part of your erotic life, I hope you'll look at his senior sexuality research blog and click through to the survey, or, if you prefer, contact Jake.

Man, 41, attracted to women, 60-70+

2009-06-01T09:08:00.000-07:00

I hear from men frequently who want to date older women and ask how to find/ attract/ approach the women they desire. I hear from very young men (teens and 20s) who had their first -- and wonderful! -- sexual experience with a much older woman and want to recapture the joy. I hear from men in their 30s and 40s who are drawn to the wisdom, experience, and beauty in women decades older. For example, TW wrote me recently:

I am a 41-year-old male. I don't have any problem attracting women around my own age. That is fairly easy for me. But, I do have great difficulties attracting women who are much older than I am.

I am mostly attracted to older women who are in their 60s and 70s. I am not looking for a serious relationship. Just casual dating with someone I can see occasionally with the possibility of intimacy or sex. I don't where to go to meet older women. I've tried some internet dating sites. The women on those sites respond by sending me an email telling me that I am too young or that they have a problem with the age difference.

I welcome anyone's ideas and suggestions. Especially from men who have had successful experiences with older women. Also, I greatly welcome any suggestions from older women themselves.

Personally, I advise TW to get out and do the social activities he enjoys, where he'll meet women who enjoy the same activities. That way, it's easy to strart a conversation with a stranger because you already have something in common to talk about. Someone like TW would meet someone like me, for example, social dancing or at bookstores, coffee shops, gyms, walking trails, and vegetarian restaurants.

Once TW spies a woman who attracts him, I would NOT suggest the "Hey, you're hot and I love older women, wanna go to my place?" approach. Instead, open the conversation with comments on the activity you're sharing or ask her for advice, e.g., depending on where you are and what you're doing,

"You're a really good dancer -- would you dance the next one with me?"
"Have you read any books by this author?"
"Your workout is obviously working for you -- you look terrific. Do you recommend the aerobics classes here?"

And so on. You may be hoping to share the sheets with her, but you still need to show her that you appreciate more than her genitals. Remember that her most vital sex organ is her brain.

Readers, I invite you to add your own experiences and tips for TW. If you are a 60+-year-old woman who would delight in a fling with a man 2+ decades younger than you, how would you suggest that someone like TW find someone like you? (I'm not offering to play matchmaker, realize, just wanting to help TW know where to look.) If you're a man who has had experience dating older women, please share your experiences.

You can post a comment here, or email me and I'll post it for you. (Try to ride the thin line, please, between candor, which my readers like, and graphic details/street language, which they do not!)

Joan Baez's 96-yr-old mom wants 97 men next birthday

2009-05-29T11:34:00.001-07:00

I enjoyed this quote from Joan Baez about her mother in the San Francisco Chronicle:

[She] just turned 96 and had a giant birthday party. She had 96 cupcakes and next year she wants to have 97 men.

I'll bet she wanted 96 men this year instead of cupcakes!

I couldn't find a photo of Joan Baez's mother -- or even her name -- but Baez herself sure looks good after 50 years in the music business:

Her latest album, recorded at age 67, is Day After Tomorrow, filled with the kind of mellow songs of spiritual awakening and social activism that we expect from Baez.

Read this blog on your Kindle

2009-05-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

Now you can read our Better Than I Ever Expected blog on your Kindle!

I have to admit that I was skeptical at first -- why would you pay 99 cents a month (as tiny a charge as that is) to view a blog in black-and-white that you can read in color on the Internet for free.

To see the appeal, I signed up for the trial subscription to my own blog and to several others. I really like it!

New posts deliver automatically to my Kindle as soon as they go live. The value of this blog is the content, so who cares if the photos and background are in color or not? I was pleasantly surprised to see that my subscription includes not only the current post, but also the 25 most recent posts. I don't see a way to view the comments, however, so subscribers need to read the Internet version occasionally to catch up on what other readers have to say.

If you're a Kindle reader, go ahead and try the 14-day free trial subscription to this blog and others that interest you. As long as you cancel before the end of the trial, you're not charged a cent. Who knows, you might not want to cancel!

If you're reading this on your Kindle, a warm welcome to you. Here's one more way to open society's mind about sex and aging, one reader at a time.

Vibrating with the Hands-free Cone

2009-05-24T08:29:00.000-07:00

My first introduction to the Cone Vibrator was at the 2008 AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) convention. Lively and handsome sex educator Cory Silverberg powered on the Cone, set it on a table, and invited us to gather round.

It must have looked like a futuristic seance -- a group of adults, college age to elders, circling a table, our hands resting on the edges of the table as a bright pink cone-shaped device whirred on top. The Cone sent vibrations through the whole table and into our hands. We all mouthed "Wow!" and I could see the gleams in dozens of eyes as we put the Cone on our "I want one of those!" list.

But at $130? Would it be worth that price? (Oh, yes, I discovered.) And how exactly do you use a cone-shaped vibrator that measures 4-1/2” tall, and 7-3/4” in diameter?

Lucky me, I received my Cone from Good Vibrations and after, uh, studying its appeal for a few weeks, I'm happy to review it for you. (What a job I have!)

First of all, forget all previous notions about what shape a vibrator should be. It doesn't need to look like a penis or a massager -- or a duck, bullet, or lipstick, for that matter. The Cone was designed for utility. It vibrates hard or gently or anything in between, with 16 different settings from which to choose. Start with a purr and graduate to a hum and ultimately a howl. Those are your noises, not the Cone's -- it stays steadily noisy, but you won't care.) Or you can go for the goal right away. Your choice.

The shape lets you use it in all sorts of ways. The tip can penetrate if that's what you like, or you can press any part of the Cone against your clitoris for extreme and focused sensation. You can lie on your stomach or your back with the Cone between your legs, or sit on it, or use it in any way that strikes your fancy.

Here's what makes it special for our age group: Those of us with arthritis, carpal tunnel syndrome, or any other condition that makes it difficult to hold an intensely vibrating object for a long period of time will welcome this device. Our arousal generally takes longer than younger folks, and we need more intense stimulation. That sometimes means that our wrists give out before the crashing waves arrive, or we keep going and then can't type or lift weights for the rest of the day. The Cone operates independently of our wrists. We put it where we want it, and it settles in nicely and stays there, freeing our hands for other activities.

Do you own the Cone? Please share your experiences with it!

5/28/09 Update: How cool. Good Vibrations has posted excerpts of this review with my permission* in the Good Vibrations Magazine. Check it out!

* Please note: posts on this blog may only be republished with permission. To request permission, email me with the header "permission to reprint." Thank you for respecting my copyright. -- Joan

He thinks he can't please her without an erection, so why bother?

2009-05-18T15:15:00.000-07:00

An important question was posted recently as a comment to my 2007 blog interview with Michael Castleman who answered my questions about erectile dysfunction. Here's what a reader asked:

I've been in a loving relationship for over two years, its been great. Until now, its taken a complete turnaround. His thinking is because he can't get an erection he's a failure in pleasing me. No matter what I say, his comment is "why bother". I have been completely satisfied with our love making up until now, I am completely confused. Our love and intimacy made our relationship what it was, now what? What do I do?

This question moved me and I asked Michael Castleman if he would answer this reader He promptly replied:

I feel for you. When men develop erection difficulties and withdraw from lovemaking, they often seem completely shut down and unreachable, and no amount of reassurance seems to help.

Of course, such reactions are not unique to men. Imagine that you suddenly gained 100 pounds and no matter how hard you dieted and exercised, you could not lose an ounce. Now imagine that your lover said: "It's all right. It doesn't matter. I still love you, and want to make love with you." Would you believe him? Would you want to have sex?

To most men, sex means erection, and the notion of sex without erection makes a much sense as baseball without bats. But men CAN enjoy sex--and have great sex--without erections. Erection is NOT NECESSARY for male orgasm. Vigorous fondling of the penis by hand, mouth, or sex toy can produce orgasms every bit as intense and satisfying as the ones he used to have with erections. And erection is not necessary for female pleasure or orgasm either. In fact, only 25% of women are reliably orgasmic during vaginal intercourse because the old in-out doesn't provide much clitoral stimulation. Many women prefer a man with a talented tongue and fingers to a guy who just sticks it in.

Of course, it's a major adjustment for men to decouple sex from erection. Given how adamantly your man has been saying "why bother?" I think your best bet would be to try to coax him into joining you in consulting a sex therapist. To find one near you, visit the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists or the Society for Sex Therapy and Research.

If he refuses to go, then I urge you to go by yourself. The therapist can help you cope, and make suggestions you might try at home with him. And the fact that you're going may show him how important the sensual side of your relationship is to you, and eventually he may relent and join you. Good luck!

Michael Castleman, M.A., is "one of the nation's top health writers" (Library Journal). He has specialized in health, medicine, and sexuality for 36 years. He is the author of Great Sex: The Man's Guide to the Secrets of Whole-Body Sensuality (Rodale). From 1991-95, he answered the sex questions submitted to the Playboy Advisor. His Web site, GreatSexAfter40.com is scheduled to go live in July 2009. For more about him, visit www.mcastleman.com.