Ahead of my ability

Things to be Thankful For

2009-11-26T22:38:00.003-05:00

I will admit that lately, it's been hard not to be bitter. It sometimes feels easier to wallow in self-pity than to focus on the positive when you have to really work to find the positive things.

Every year, Thanksgiving is a reflective time for me, but this year I really had to struggle to identify things to be thankful for. When you're bracing yourself for what seems must be the inevitable, the next rain of frogs or plague of locusts, you're not as able to think about the good things. So I had to work hard to compile these things. To help me, I looked back at a few photos from recent months.

1. I'm thankful to live on Lake Erie, home of beautiful sunsets and other treasures.

2. I'm thankful that I can generally find interesting things to take pictures of, no matter where I go.

3. I'm thankful to live near Presque Isle State Park, where you can drive or hike or go to the beach.

4. I'm thankful for these two kiddos of mine, here in their Halloween gear. Like all kids, they're good at causing some stress on occasion, but I guess I've kept them this long so I can't let them go now. Kind of like stray dogs that you feed a couple of times, they seem to latch on. ;-) As a matter of fact, I'm thankful for my whole extended, imperfect, but supportive family.

5. And lastly (and I really had to ponder this one), I'm thankful that I'm still alive. No matter what happens, my kids need me, and they're great motivators. I may not enjoy what I'm going through right now....as a matter of fact, I may even ponder late at night that nothingness might be better, but that thought is quickly banished. I need to get stronger for them and slowly but surely, I'm trying. And trying is all anyone can ask, isn't it?

Not a Flicker, A Glimmer.

2009-11-22T19:20:00.004-05:00

My usual m.o. when I post a new entry is to go on about how sorry I am it's been so long since I updated. Not this time. People who know me and know what has happened will understand.

These are the first pictures I've taken since mid-October. I've been too deep in a dark hole to consider even trying. As a matter of fact, I couldn't even imagine picking up my camera.

But even when we're grieving, day-to-day life demands that we attend to certain things. And so it was last Tuesday that I found myself outside, raking and bagging leaves. I was feeling extraordinarily tired. Not just from the raking, from breathing. I'd been tired before I'd even come outside.

And then I happened to look up, and I saw this bird.

At first, I had my woodpeckers mixed up, and I thought this was a Flicker. And I thought that was really poetic, because seeing her (I think it's a girl due to the lack of red blaze on the nape) made me think about how life goes on and we get through even that which seems insurmountable....you know, like a flicker of hope.

So I put down the rake and tried to go inside quietly to retreive my camera. I was able to capture quite a few shots as she made her way up and down the branches looking for food.

Later, I decided it would be a good idea to look the bird up online to make sure I had my facts straight. Turns out it wasn't a Flicker, it's a Downy Woodpecker. Now, the name Downy just doesn't seem to have the same significance as the name Flicker would have, but all the same: watching this bird made me want to capture some shots, and made me forget about my troubles for a couple of minutes. I actually felt a small glimmer of happiness and hope. And at this point, that means a lot.

One Leaf in Actions

2009-10-26T21:22:00.004-04:00

Took a walk today and found many interesting shots, but when I opened a few of them up in Photoshop, I decided instead to play with just this one image:

Above would be pretty typical processing for me...kind of pop-ish, saturated, and bright.

My other favorite action to use is A2D's Lomo. I love how it intensifies the greens and the edge burn it applies.

This one is called Indie Jane's Grunge, which was created and shared over at the Two Peas Photography Board by a generous member.

This one is called "Draganizer." I like the grungy feel it has.

This one is "Bright Punch." Appropriately enough.

This one is Midnight Sepia. I like the gauzy feel to this one.

This one is "Acidic,"

and this one is "Photograin." All beautiful in their own ways.

Hot Cat-on-Cat Action

2009-10-19T21:23:00.002-04:00

Meet Tom.

Meet Beckers.

Theirs is a special kind of love.

Sure, they're both males. They're also littermates. Don't judge them.

If two cats love each other, they should be able to show it. Who am I to stand in the way?

And they shouldn't have to be ashamed.

Woolly Bear

2009-10-13T20:53:00.004-04:00

Meet Isia Isabella, or the Woolly Bear caterpillar.

In the spring, this guy (or gal) will become a Tiger Isabella moth. But for now, he's still a Woolly Bear. There's an old wive's tale that the width of the black stripes on either end helps predict the winter weather. Wide areas of black are supposed to indicate a severe winter, while narrow areas of black supposedly foretell a mild winter. This guy's stripes look pretty narrow to me. In any case, one can hope, and I'll take a mild winter any way I can get it.

We found this at Letchworth State Park in New York. More photos of that later, but for today, I wanted to share something a little more full of mystery.

Also, a note: Thanks to all of you for your kind comments on yesterday's post. I appreciate them so much.

Fall(ing)

2009-10-12T16:08:00.002-04:00

It seems that every sporadic blog post I make these days begins with an explanation as to why I haven't updated in so long. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I guess I'll attempt to explain why I've been neglecting photography (a true passion) and posting here.

Many of you know that I was laid off in July. This came completely unexpectedly, and after 10 years of what anyone would consider faithful service to the company I worked for. It wasn't the best place to work, but I counted myself lucky to have a job, and I used to joke with a friend that I was a "lifer." Truly, I probably would never have left unless an opportunity too good to be true had fallen in my lap. I wasn't looking for anything else.

Since that Friday afternoon, I have alternated between feeling scared, angry, bitter, hopeless, paralyzed, and scared again. I don't get enough on unemployment to cover the rent and all the bills, and there's nothing left over for any extras. The help wanted section of the paper is no help. I've put in some applications and sent out a few resumes, but haven't heard anything back. I'm exhausted and feeling pretty pessimistic these days.

I know that attitude needs to change before anything else can happen, and I'm trying. I have many blessings left to count, and more support from the ones I love than a lot of people get when they're in a similar situation. It's just that right now, I feel kind of like this caterpillar, balled up around myself as a defense against what might happen next.

Presque Isle on a Stormy Evening

2009-09-13T14:10:00.005-04:00

A couple of weeks back, I stopped by the beach at sunset.

It was windy and spitting rain off and on.

The sky was intense and full of fast-moving clouds.
And the wind was whipping the water into the kind of waves we don't often see on the lake.

Leaving A Mark

2009-09-09T20:28:00.007-04:00

A few weeks back, we stopped at the Stone Tower in Allegany State Park. I've been visiting this place since I was a kid, and it seemed a lot taller back in the day.

It's up on a hill, and you can see for quite a way even though it's not very tall.

One thing I've always liked about this place is all the graffiti people carve and write on the walls.

Mostly you see declarations of love, or statements that so-and-so was here.

But some of the marks are a little more original.
Since we didn't have a Sharpie on hand, Dave tried to leave our mark the old fashioned way. (Shh, don't tell!)

The person who wrote this must have had a few minutes of uninterrupted time to complete it.

And isn't this what we all want?

The Katydid, and a Secret Shame

2009-09-03T11:58:00.006-04:00

Let me start by saying that when you have to be shamed into updating your blog by someone like dmack, things are pretty bad. I'm not even employed right now, for the love of God, and I can't seem to be bothered.

So, by popular demand (from dmack anyway), here's a cool bug I saw yesterday.

I'm pretty sure it's a katydid, but if I'm wrong, please let me know. Loads of people out there have way more entomology skills than I do.

Dude was just chilling on the stem of a dead flower.
And he's missing one of his antennae....hope he can still find his way around, or sniff things out, or whatever he uses those things for.

Jesus with a Sense of Humor

2009-08-19T09:27:00.006-04:00

At St. Bonaventure Cemetery, I managed to find a few statues and headstones that made me giggle.

This one doesn't seem funny at first glance, but when you look more closely....

Why does it look like Mary's left breast is exposed??

Also, why does Jesus have the body of a baby, but the head of a man? And what the heck is going on under his gown?

Nearby, I found a crypt with some busts on top.

Very realistic...

And very creepy. This one reminds me of the old preacher man from Poltergeist 2: "You're all gonna die in there!!"

And finally....I know it's not intended to be funny, but check out Jesus as Lt. Dan from Forrest Gump.

The Twelfth Station

2009-08-12T17:47:00.009-04:00

The Twelfth Station of the Cross (Jesus Dies on the Cross) at St. Bonaventure Cemetery is built into a huge grotto.

The grotto itself is beautiful and detailed...

but at the stop is a fantastic life-sized sculpture of the Crucifixion.

The Stations of the Cross

2009-08-11T10:56:00.013-04:00

As we were driving home from Watkins Glen, we travelled through Olean, NY, home of St. Bonaventure University. I've driven through before but didn't have time to stop to take pictures at the enormous cemetery there. Luckily, Dave was game, so we took a break so I could take some photos.

St. Bonaventure Cemetery is home to a stunning collection of the Stations of the Cross.
The Stations of the Cross tell the story of the Passion of Christ in 14 steps. It's a common Lenten practice for Catholics to follow the Stations as a reflection of Christ's sacrifice. I'm a lapsed Catholic myself, so my interest in these was purely from an artistic standpoint. They are incredible.

The Stations at St. Bonaventure were constructed in 1926, and they are showing their age beautifully. I processed all of these in my beloved Lomo (A2D, link in sidebar).

Station I: Jesus is Condemned to Death

Station II: Jesus Receives the Cross

Station III: The First Fall

Station IV: Jesus Meets His Mother

Station V: Simon of Cyrene Carries the Cross

Station VI: Veronica Wipes Jesus' Face with Her Veil

Station VII: The Second Fall

Station VIII: Jesus Meets the Women of Jerusalem

Station IX: The Third Fall
Station X: Jesus is Stripped of His Garments

Station XI: Jesus is Nailed to the Cross

Station XII: Jesus Dies on the Cross

(Note: The Twelfth Station is built into a beautiful grotto with a statue of The Crucifixion on top. More on this tomorrow.)

Station XIII: Jesus' Body is Removed from the Cross

Station XIV: Jesus' Body is Laid in the Tomb

In the pines

2009-08-08T20:00:00.003-04:00

As we reached the top of the gorge trail at Watkins Glen, we decided to walk back through the woods.

We were away from the water, but were rewarded with lots of new things to see, like this waystation for hikers...

...and this building. I guess it was a storage facility, but it looked like a house.

Dave liked what he called the "troll door" around the back.

As we continued down, we saw this bench, which looked like an alter to me.

And this one, apparently designed to accommodate many.

Dave and I talked about how pretty this place would be in the winter, but I imagine the paths get pretty treacherous.

Just before we made our final descent, we saw the parking lot. It was still early so there weren't many people. That's my car in the middle of those three there.

Name that Bug

2009-08-06T21:06:00.002-04:00

As we were walking up some of the hundreds of stairs at Watkins Glen, we spied this strange beetle.

He was black with an iridescent, almost coppery sheen.

He was pretty docile, not trying to get away, even when I picked him up to move him to a safer location so he wouldn't get smushed.

Anyone know what he is? I looked at a couple of online guides but couldn't find anything similar.
Special note to DMack, regarding your query in yesterday's comments: No, they are not matching Chucks! Mine are grey lowtops and his are black hightops. :-P

Watkins Glen State Park, Part 2

2009-08-05T21:28:00.004-04:00

The beauty of Watkins Glen State Park, even on a grey day, was almost indescribable.

These two shots are pretty indicative, showing how we were constantly looking around at all the scenery.

We came to a spot where you had to walk behind one of the waterfalls.

And as we continued on the path, we found another.

This one was much closer, and being that it was a very muggy morning, Dave took advantage of the cool water.

Editor's Note: This last shot is being posted specifically for my friend and neighborhood curmudgeon DMack. Ain't love grand?

Watkins Glen State Park

2009-08-04T18:32:00.004-04:00

On Sunday, we woke before the sun was up. There was rain, but not too bad. We tore down camp, found a spot for breakfast (read: coffee) and hit Watkins Glen State Park.

The gorge trail extends for more than a mile and overlooks some 19 waterfalls. It was stunning, even in the grey conditions.

There are staircases and pathways cut through the stone....all very dark and mysterious.

And at every turn, you are rewarded with the most gorgeous views.

Camping in the Wilderness

2009-08-03T20:55:00.005-04:00

This weekend, Dave and I drove up to the Finger Lakes National Forest in central New York. We planned to camp, and we knew camping was allowed most anywhere in the forest. Beyond that, our plans were rather...fluid.

As we arrived, we happened upon an actual campsite. Unfortunately, it was full...full of people who actually planned ahead. So we pressed on and ended up finding a clearing where we could set up our tent.

While Dave got busy doing manly stuff like getting wood and building a fire, I found a salamander and a toad! Of course, photo ops ensued.

The poor salamander was actually hiding in the fire pit. Lucky for him we found him before the fire got going!

Almost as soon as I moved the salamander to a safer location, the toad came along.Alas, he was just a toad.In the end, Dave got the fire going and we settled in for a very nice night. It was slightly creepy being completely alone in the middle of the woods, miles from anywhere, without even cell phone service. But it was exhilarating too.

Lazy Summer

2009-07-19T20:43:00.007-04:00

Yesterday, D. and I took a drive to Cook's Forest.

We had an awesome time. More fun than a state park should allow, in fact.

Snapped a few shots, but to be honest, taking pictures wasn't first and foremost in my mind, so you're missing all the best parts.

All in all, I'm enjoying my days and nights lately. Maybe even over-enjoying them.

Strange Days and the Passing of Time

2009-07-03T10:17:00.010-04:00

I have no excuses besides some laziness for not posting anything here in over a month. Time just has a way of accelerating sometimes, doesn't it?

In the past 6 weeks, I have been (mostly) more happy than I have in the past 12 years.

baby geese with guardian, Presque Isle, late May

Dan has moved out. The sad part of that for me is that Liam is staying mostly with him for the summer. This is good for Liam and I know Dan will take decent care of him. It's just that Dan and I differ widely on what is appropriate and not appropriate for an eight-year-old boy, so when Liam comes back to me full-time for the school year, I'm sure I'll be faced with a very spoiled kid. No matter, though, I'll face that when I come to it.

In the meantime, I busy myself with working and taking pictures...

Waterfall at Wintergreen Gorge, Early June

and I have found a friend to have adventures with. (This would be a big part of the reason for my current state of happiness.)

At Rimrock Overlook, early June

Meanwhile, the kiddos seem to be adjusting just fine. Less tension is always a good thing for everyone.

At Cook's Forest, mid June

Emily and I are getting on well...she's attending summer school for Geometry so she can move on with her current math track in the fall. Her pierced lip still bothers me some.

At Presque Isle, mid June

And I am adjusting to this new sensation of calmness. I think this is what life is supposed to be like. The song I chose for this entry is called "Light and Day" by The Polyphonic Spree. One of the lines is "just follow the day and reach for the sun." Good advice, right?Sunset, late June.

On Finding a Violet

2009-05-19T09:05:00.006-04:00

I was melancholy on Sunday and thought maybe I'd head out to Edinboro to hear some music at the bluegrass festival they had going on. But as I was heading into town, I pulled off the road at the old cemetery instead.

Old graves here, with the symbols of the 1800s...willow trees, draped urns...

and holding of hands.

Simplicity...

and grandeur...

And always the children's graves. Here's Little Bayard Swift.

And most touching to me, Our Little Nelson T.Died in 1871...only 5 years old...
and I can still visit his grave and take photographs of the violet that blooms from his headstone.
I never made it to the festival.

This Girl

2009-05-18T03:00:00.003-04:00

This girl is fifteen years old.

Next year at this time, she'll be driving my car.

She is generally a willing participant when I want to take photos.
She loves music and drawing. She still eats Spaghetti-O's with hot dogs.

She's always up for a road trip or a walk through a cemetery with me.
She is the heart of my heart.

This is the Forest Primeval

2009-05-11T21:42:00.004-04:00

On Saturday, Em and I took a ride to Allegany State Park and circled back via Kinzua and Warren. Across from the Kinzua Dam, there's an access area where you can hike among boulders and a long waterfall.

We didn't climb very high; we didn't have to.

The forest smelled like spring and new growth. Everywhere you turned, you could find more pockets where the waterfall was streaming out around the rocks.It was so beautiful and peaceful, I found myself wishing for a moment that I could be a leaf or something, and just let myself get carried away.

A Cardinal Sin

2009-05-05T07:32:00.002-04:00

Couldn't sleep last night...I dozed in fits and starts and finally got up for good at 3.

5:30 am found me at the corner of 2nd and State, thinking I'd take some shots of downtown as the light started to come...maybe the workers filtering into Hamot...maybe that courtyard behind Modern Tool Square with all its secret spots.

And then the camera beeped at me to tell me that I was an ass for not bringing an extra battery or checking to see how much battery life I had left before I left the house. So I hung my head in shame and drove back home in defeat.

Abstract Art

2009-05-03T16:59:00.002-04:00

So last weekend I stopped by Asbury Woods and made my way around the boardwalk to the swamp. As per usual, there were frogs, ducks, turtles, etc. But what I found more interesting this time was the intricate array of patterns in the algae and duckweed on the water's surface.
I love the reflection of the light in this one, and the dead brown leaf in the center.This one looks like a painting to me.

And this one is maybe some kind of weird Rorschach test.
And okay...I was at the swamp. So maybe one frog.

Seeing the Light

2009-04-29T20:48:00.003-04:00

Clarity is always a good thing, no? And often it takes some time. I felt the need to clarify for those of you who read here that my divorce is not a cause for sadness or sympathy. I mean, I guess it's a sad thing that it failed because it's sad for my son. One could also argue that it's tragic when any marriage fails, but in our case, we really didn't have much business being married in the first place, so I think it's more of the universe righting a wrong

Anyway, I think right now that things are coming into focus in my life.

I'm not sad at all for myself...I'm excited.

I can't wait to see what's next.