Stink Purdy

Coulda woulda shoulda had glaucoma.

2009-01-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

I went to the optometrist yesterday. He tested me for glaucoma. I failed.

FUCK.

So what if glaucoma is a neuro-optical disease that causes blindness. I may have to be blind, but I could also have much beautifuller, longer eyelashes.

The New York Times article says that there is a treatment for glaucoma that has a side effect of making your eyelashes grow longer. "How much longer?," you ask. Long enough for Allergan, the same company that carries Botox, to snatch this drug up and farm it out to future sweet 16ers and beauty whores of America.

Forgive the eye pun, but David E. I. Pyott says, "And he suggested that many women would not blink at spending $120 for a one-month, three-milliliter supply of the drug. He compared the cost of longer lashes to a daily cup of coffee."

As the perscription for Latisse is not covered by insurance for people who do not have glaucoma, beware of a sudden vanity-induced hypochondria toward eye disease by women who want to be ultra-lashtastic.

And, of course, it has other possible side effects, such as darkening skin around the eyes, redness and itchiness of the eyes, and oh yeah - CHANGING EYE COLOR. Green or hazel eyes permanently turn darker. Oh well!

I was so close to obtaining eyelashes that are typically 25 percent longer, 106 percent thicker, and 18 percent darker, black and red itchy eyes, and an obsession with out-lashing the lashiest of eyelashes.

Here's the whole lame/juicy article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/14/health/research/14lash.html?_r=1&hp

The best banner in the world.

2008-12-17T01:38:00.000-08:00

It's even an interactive game where the little penis moves with your mouse.

Too bad as soon as you click you just go to the sexsearch.com site. You don't actually get to try and play the game. But still, the best banner in the world.

Wild & Crazy & WTF

2008-12-17T01:07:00.000-08:00

I've never seen the Wild & Crazy section of Red Tube before. That's a lot to take in all at once. Everything from a girl taking a Diet Coke up the ass to pregnant woman gets horny, to how to put on a condom in record speed. It's fucking weird.

Le Petit Poodle of my Dreams

2008-12-17T00:34:00.000-08:00

While Looking for 90210

2008-12-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

I learned all about the birds and the bees, horny secretaries, and hair gel from channel 72. You kids have no idea how lucky you are to have your nookie online to teach you about amateurs and anal probes properly. Yes, M&D, I would totally wait for you to leave the house and try and watch scrambled porn. I remember at that time you were worried I'd see things like guys and girls kissing on TV like 90210, MTV, and The Young and the Restless. Really I was more interested in figuring out which wavy lines were boobs and which wavy lines were just wavy lines. All the while, sweating it out that I would be caught, so I would just sit right up next to the tv as if I was merely changing channels, and got lost somewhere up past the 30's my innocent face two inches away from the wiggly boobs and zig zag butts.

I was also faced with the paranoia-inducing dilemma of volume. Sound helps a lot when you are trying to decipher boobs from wavies from a flower pot. But with any hint of sound came the overwhelming static of a thousand seas, drowning out the sexy noises and driving me mad. Mad because it sounds horrible, and mad because it is blocking all the hot educational dialogue.

Just when I'd think I was following the bodies through the chaos, and Misty had accepted Arturo's offer to be his private's secretary, a storm of static would attack and suddenly the woman just started screaming. The man is kinda yelling, and grunting, and talking about her daddy?

The the whole situation was confusing at best.

That's why the moral of my story is that moms should let their kids watch 90210, and MTV, and all the regular porn they want.

Ohmygodit'smyfirstpostinginthreemonthsfuck.

2008-12-16T22:53:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to stiffle my inner retard, my true self. I was trying to become more professionaler. But F that S. Here it comes again. A shitload of shame.

Over easy

2008-09-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

This subject keeps coming up. My eggs. My eggs are getting older by the word on this page. My eggs are the best they are ever going to be right at this moment, and every moment I wait from this moment only increases my chances of having fucked up eggs. Fuck.

This is a diminishing topic already, but the fact that it is not one of my desolate musings, but a near verbatum quote from a near stranger makes it all the more upsetting.

Other people can tell that my eggs are old. My eggs just turned 29. Who cares if people say I look 22. My eggs are really 29 and have greater chance than 22 for being fucked up.

Time is ticking. Egg timers are short timers too. Fuck.

Just so happens I have a picture of the guy who ridiculed my eggs. I choose to not remember his name, so he will go unnamed. I will just refer to him as The Jerk. And put his head on a pickle with Photoshop.

Narcolepsy looks like this:

2008-09-07T21:16:00.001-07:00

This whole falling asleep everywhere thing is really getting to me. Earlier this week, I crashed at a diner in Hollywood following the Radiohead show. The last thing I remember was Devin saying, "you want Belgian waffles? you ordered waffles," as my finger hazily slid off some item on the menu, then everything fades to black.

My sis said they thought I'd ben ruffied, and were really worried about me aside from them and the waiter laughing their asses off as I was scooted away from the edge of the booth to the comfy corner.

I woke up the next morning thinking, hey...did I eat waffles?

I know I may not be used to such excitement, but two glasses of wine and a half a heineken shouldn't be enough to knock someone out to the point of no return two and-a-half hours later.

God help me.

I've ordered pancakes before, eaten them, and then fallen asleep and not remembered the pancakes in the morning. And it's not just a late-night diner/carbohydrate thing. I can't make it through a movie if it's after 8pm. Or before 8pm. I fell asleep last year in the tent at Coachella. There's pictures. And yesterday I dozed off, again, on the freeway going through downtown.

So this is my memoir. If I die today as I pass out in the middle of a crosswalk or when I jump the highway interchange, I'd like everyone know I didn't expect to make it as long as I did.

Pie VS Pie

2008-08-07T00:20:00.000-07:00

My friend recently asked me which I like better: cake or pie. Now that's a hands down easy answer. I say pie takes the cake. Cake is waaay overdone. There are too many people constantly having birthdays for it to be as special as pie.

Pie means Thanksgiving or Christmas. At my house, pies are pretty serious. My mom is a superfly pie baker, and I'd say I got the pie thing from her. They're fun to make, they make your kitchen smell all good, and they taste so ultimately good when you eat them that same day.

With that said, when people buy pie from Costco and bring it to my house for Thanksgiving and Christmas, I want to kick their asses out with their shitty-ass pies.

There's no love in Costco.

They just blew an opportunity to make something really good for the ones they love. If you buy me a pie, I take it personally, and I have mediocre, obligatory feelings toward you too.

Consider yourself forewarned. Your relatives will secretly or subconsciously hate you if you bring apple pie from Marie Calendars that looks like it might as well have chicken and vegetables in it.

I say start practicing now. You have 13 weeks till T-day.

PS. The best Thanksgiving food I ever had was the leftovers from my roommate Keven's family. They're Persian.

You are beautiful in EVERY SINGLE WAY

2008-08-04T13:09:00.000-07:00

Look what those dove commercials have gone and done. 365 days of Heather is the title of this Flickr photo stream. 365 photos tagged with 8-12 times each. To show I'm not just being mean (i am being a little mean), here's the link so you can indulge in Heathers cabinet of curiosities yourself.
http://flickr.com/photos/hrwworcester/sets/72157603275872506/

More reason to love poodles and english bulldogs, and jason.

2008-08-03T15:11:00.001-07:00

I can't put my finger on what I like most about this image, but I think it is one of the finest examples of composition and symmetry known to man and beast. Wooo! On your knees, bitches!

Consider yourself warned still

2008-07-26T23:07:00.000-07:00

Content warning proved to be too annoying, as firewalls were blocking people from looking at this work appropriate blog at work.

Fish Steew

2008-07-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

Jamie Oliver, better known as the Naked Chef, had been my dreamboat for a very long time. I know he's married and has kids and all, but I started watching the cooking channel show way before I knew that. He fumbles erratically for homegrown ingredients around his rinky dink flat exclaiming things like, "and Bob's your uncle!" once he blanched some broccoli.

I went gaga when he pronounced Herbs with a hard 'H,' and making the word Basil like a sheep—BAAsil. HOT.

His endearing dorkiness for food and fucked up lisp/stutter combo is what really did it for me. His sloppy Bart Simpson mouf and the miscevious glint in his eyes keyed me in that he goes super kinky with food in the bedroom.

Here's where it all went wrong:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3174278649926342867&q=jamie+oliver&ei=ARyMSK6xMYzCqAPO3ImuBA

and: http://www.tradebit.com/filedetail.php/829028-Music

I've been out of the Naked Chef/ Cooking channel loop lately, so when I stumbled across these I was pretty much shocked. I trusted he was on a good grounded path. But Since when does the Naked Chef produce a painful Reggae song about lamb curry, or do backup vocals for a disney song about fish stew? In principle, I like them, but they are in actuallity a little too lame. They're written to capture an Oprah audience of 43 year old white women. I watched them clap along, but personally i think they were just being nice.

The lyrics go: "I wanna fish stew. I wanna move your body."

Um, not the kind of BR food fun i was thinking.

I'm so disappointed in him, and glad it didn't ever work out. What an a-hole sellout.

Here's a super rad sellout tribute portrait, complete w/ Bon Jovi Hair and purple lighting. You can zoom in and out to get an idea of that brilliant mug I used to know and love: http://www.tvscoop.tv/jamieoliver2.jpg

How Jesus Ruined Christmas

2008-07-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

Every Christmas, my darling sister Lindy gives me and my sis Kacie charming token gifts from a West Hollywood gas station. Usually part of the appeal is opening them in front of our parents, so that they can share the delight in naked body builder lighters and xxx-mas cards that say "someone's blowing Santa Clause."

Last year it was this refrigerator magnet. When mom saw it, she lost her marbles. We/Lindy had hurt her very deeply and worse, hurt Jesus. Sis boned out for about 3 hours and we were afraid she wasn't coming back for Christmas brunch. It wasn't pretty, but I still think it was worth it.

I personally really like Gay J.

He lives inside my Scrabble.

2008-07-17T23:38:00.001-07:00

I have to post this and express my gratitude to the big J for finally answering my prayer:

"Dear Precious Holy Father, please bring me a Bingo. If I am never granted anything from you ever again, it's fine with me. Just this once, Lord, I really need this to maintain my self-worth."

63 mothafuckin points, right out of the gates. Get on your knees, Matt H.

I can make you famous.

2008-07-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

I want a Satan wedding.

2008-07-07T01:37:00.000-07:00

So sad. My sister went to a wedding on the 4th, thinking she'd do a friend a favor and be his date. At least she'd get to drink a bunch for free, she'd said. Wear a nice dress a little wine, champagne a little dancing, cake, and it's a great way to spend any day of the year. But how can you celebrate two people's happiness if you're not drunk? Turned out it was a DRY wedding. A Christian dry wedding.

If there's ever a time when people should be allowed to get smashed, it's at a wedding. Obvious reasons are as follows:
1. People need alcohol to have fun.
2. People like alcohol.
3. It's the freaking 4th of July.

Yes there are other reasons as well like wedding toasts, nerves, 3rd and 4th marraiges, baggage, doubt, guilt, etc, but I really don't think that there is any reason in hell to turn a good wedding party into a pot luck dinner. Jesus drank wine - he made wine, according to the magic book - so why are you people so Goddamned uptight?

At least my sister reported that she got a chance to leave early, head straight for a bar, drink and drink and drink, and get rightfully hungover the next day.

Pee Shiver me Timbers!

2008-07-07T00:13:00.000-07:00

So I recently heard of this thing called "Pee Shivers." It's the kind of thing you either know about because you have them, or because you happen to live with three guys who talk about things like the great sensations of peeing. Of course i was INSANELY jealous when they said that they get these "Pee Shivers" every time they pee, which feels just like an orgasm. The same feeling as orgasms! I've never wanted a penis so bad cause that is just no fucking fair. Tantrum-quality notfairnotfairnotfair.

But to end my hatred for God / my complete chromosome-happy father, i found out from a GIRL friend that she had them too. So at this point, i pretty much just hated the big J for making 83% of men and 58% of women have more fun going potty than me. Thinking that the unfairness of Pee Shivers is a titillating blog topic, i go to look up the shakes from a highly esteemed source, and WHAMMO! don't feel so bad anymore. In fact, I feel really awfully bad for all yall with this Myoclonus Disorder, which is actually a convulsion syndrome. Sounds pretty bad for you... Read it and weep.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-micturition_convulsion_syndrome
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myoclonus

Oh yes, AND, God bless Vons.

2008-07-06T05:14:00.001-07:00

I got some new books recently. Actually I got them on Father's Day and read them to my parents while we were in the car on the way to the beach. They were not so captivated as I was when I found these goodies at, of all places, Vons market: From the Harlequin Expecting series, 'The Italian Billionaire's Pregnant Bride' and 'The Spaniard's Pregnancy Proposal, Expecting!' From the Harlequin NASCAR Racing Series, I scored 'Forbidden Attraction' and 'Fully Engaged.' Who would have believed that they'd have such specialized romance novels nowadays. No one, which is why I present an excerpt from 'The Italian Billionaire's Pregnant Bride':

Sergio ended his phone call and sat down at his glass desk. Only then did he notice the cleaner, who was down on her knees [bj reference] busily scrubbing the carpet [masturbation reference] on the other side of the office. The long hair clasped at her nape [s&m choking reference] was an eye-catching metallic mix of copper, amber, and auburn shades [stuff for the ladies].

'Thank you, that'll do,' he told her dismissively.
Kathy glanced up. [My name's Kathy too!] 'It'll stain if i leave it,' she warned.

She settled huge green eyes on him. They were fringed with lashes like a cartoon fawn's, Sergio found himself thinking abstractedly [I think he means Bambi, and I think abstractedly is not a word]. Her face was heart-shaped [Yes, ladies, hearts.] and unusual and so spectacular in its beauty that he who never stared at a woman stared. Even a shapeless overall could not conceal the grace of her slender long-legged figure. Just as quickly he was convinced that she could not posibly be an authentic cleaner. She had to be an out-of-work actress or a model [isn't this how every knocked-up housewife imagines herself?] Women that beautiful didn't scub floors for a living. How had she got [yes, not gotten] past security?

So that's how Sergio and Bambi met. FFWD to some quotes:

"All Kathy could think of was the threat of being sent back to prison."[Hey, I have an Aunt Kathy who was in prison!]

"There was a timeless moment of pure ecstacy and joy. In the sensual ripples of delight that followed, she felt wonderfully close to him, transformed and at peace. And then her brain kicked back into action and blew all those fine feelings away again. She rememered how things really were between them and felt angry, mortified, and earth-shatteringly bitter. [I'm so glad I'm not the only one!] As a deep sense of hurt threatened to surface she squashed ti glat and wrenched herself free of his arms in a fierce gesture of rejection. 'Can I leave now?'"

"..What if her worst fear came true and she was pregnant? Pregnant by a guy whom she hated like poison?"[Guess what, bitches!!]

So I officially hate that this book represents women who relate to this douchey lady Kathy, and I love that there is published proof that people are lame. So that's why I think I must become a romance novelist and lead the way for a self-improvement romance genre.

Good things come to those who work.

2008-07-06T05:10:00.000-07:00

Why is working late so appealing? Nothing positive comes out of continually being at my computer post 12am. I mean it. My eyeballs are waving around, my left leg is asleep, and I've had to pee for 2 hours, but no, it's 5:12 and i'm making a very important blog post, so I'm staying put.

Thanks Facebook!

2008-07-06T04:56:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm....So Facebook has an aggregate of advertisements tailored to my special needs, right alongside my Facebook profile. A friend said as soon as he hit 30 and was still single, he got bombed by 30+ and lonely dating services, while my MO right now is apparently trying not to be fat. Thanks for targeting me, Facebook. I guess if i expect to keep getting poked I have to lose the love handles and stand in a warmer light source.

Sex On the Beach

2008-07-06T04:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it may at first appear as if this guy just got clipped by a crab at a nude beach, but he is in fact banging a chick, who is in the sand back there, upside down. But to see this girl get completely pummeled from the other side - it's perhaps the best thing that's ever happened at the beach, in the history of the beach. http://youporn.com/watch/49085

Was the sex so good that she didn't even notice the tide creeping in? I think hell no. I imagine that the Hank, after about 4 hours of filming in that position, was finally close to orgasm, and he and the crew were racing against the tide so that the freshly ruptured discs in Cindy's spine wouldn't be for not.

Which is why i can't control my hysteria as i watch this over, and over, and over, and over.

Jesus L-O-V-E's me.

2008-06-23T22:38:00.000-07:00

Dragonlady 5521 really really loves Jesus. To prove that/earn heaven, she puts all the effects she knows into her God-like animated gifs of cats and sexy fairys.

To let Him inside you too, check out Dragonlady's flickr feed. And please please click on images, as the animations don't show unless they're enlarged. They don't disappoint. If you don't like them, you can burn in hell.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/67885847@N00/sets/72157605487103466/

Scary Toon Sex FOR LIFE

2008-06-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

Is this a threat? Or are people that concerned about how their masturbation life will be at 97? If they just keep their username and password at the forefronts of their memory through bouts with Alzheimer's, their chances of prostate cancer will be at a healthy low. I did hear that you know — masturbation beats away prostate cancer. So go for it, and keep your saggy turtles healthy.

Barf. Or, vote for me!

2008-06-10T02:04:00.000-07:00

Here's my ugly ass Doc Marten boot design.* If these get made, like the web site says that they really actually could, I'll crawl into a hole and die. I swear, if people make these Design it Yourself web sites with this much creative freedom, then they need to be stopped.

I used the burn tool until the virtual lighter ran out of virtual lighter fluid 4 times. Then I put tape on it, then I put giant blue OE type on it - which isn't showing up for some reason. Maybe what you see here is the ugly limit.

I vow to never design a "Design it Yourself" site ever, ever. There's too much ugliness out there already.

I feel sorry for the sucker who has to actually look through these submissions too, and pick the best one.

***Click Here to Design Your Own!