i am the diva

a facebook chat with Xtine (the X is for Christ)

2009-07-13T16:12:00.001-06:00

4:04pmLaura
incindentally, when you send a new message, my window tab says: New message from Christ"

4:05pmChristine
That's great!

4:05pmLaura
lol

4:05pmChristine
LAURA!!

THIS IS CHRIST!!

4:05pmLaura
oh shit!

what do you want?

4:06pmChristine
OBEY ME!!

4:06pmLaura
fuck.

okay.

4:06pmChristine
GIVE CHRISTINE A COOKIE!

4:06pmLaura
YES LORD!

4:06pmChristine
Jesus Christ, go away!

Ok, that's better

I told him to go away

4:06pmLaura
lol

thank you.

he's very annoying, and boomy.

4:07pmChristine
I should probably go, my giggles are going to attract attention, and my office is super-churchy

4:07pmLaura
like, jesus christ! can't you speak in an indoor voice? you don't need to shout!

4:07pmChristine
Yeah, jesus christ, can't you?

NOOOOO!

4:07pmLaura
LOL

Papa

2009-07-10T19:02:00.001-06:00

love at first site

life

2009-07-10T13:42:00.004-06:00

The late great John Lennon once said: "Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans" and today i am reminded of that again.

My niece is born. She is beautiful.

She is enormous. 11lbs 10oz 24" long.

She was too big to come out the front door, so they had to section her out.

My brother's girlfriend, Stef, is amazing.

But because of the size of the baby, after the section the uterus would not contract.

Stef lost half her blood volume.

They couldn't stop the bleeding.

A decision was made.

To save Stef's life, they had to take her uterus.

She is 24.

But, the silver lining is my gorgeous niece.

The silver lining is that Stef is still here.

The silver lining is that i was able to be there for my brother while she was in surgery.

time to sleep

2009-07-09T21:16:00.004-06:00

it's days like these i feel like crawling under a rock and closing my eyes and just letting the world zoom by.

Chewie had his vaccinations this week, so he's been very clingy and needy and feverish as his body reacts to the shots. On top of that, i've had my head stuffed with cotton balls. Well, not literally, but it certainly feels that way. Who gets a frakkin' cold in the summer anyway? MUTHAFUCKA!

So, i started back to work yesterday and it was a sad day for me...more so than Chewie. See, daycare has a puppy so i was chopped liver. Meh. I cried all the way to the office and took a walk down by the river to collect myself and just breathe.

Work is work. Not much has changed.

Last night Chewie was up at various times in the night, fighting his fever and general yuckiness. I spent most of the night rocking him back and forth in the rocking chair. He would sleep, but only on my chest. Me, not so much in the sleep department, as you can imagine.

I got very little sleep - which only exacerbated the cold, and with Chewie still sickly and me still sickly, i called in sick on my second day back to work. I know, right? But what can you do?

i finally got the little gaffer to sleep around 6, and i slept for an hour and then got up at 7 to call daycare, went back to sleep and then i got a text from my littlest brother, Willy Billy McNilly, saying that Stef (his girlfriend) was going into the hospital. She was in labour.

Also, my mom and dad sold their house in SmallTown and are moving into the city, and they got possession of their new house today - but as they're out of town on vacation - i had to go and do the walk through with the realtor and get the keys...

but BEFORE THAT happened, i got a phone call from B-rad who informed me he was going to the doctor because he had a metal shard in his eye. Well, a metal sliver anyway...

He took the rest of the afternoon off after he returned his brothers truck i picked him up from work and we went to get the keys for mom and dad's house, then picked up lunch for my brother and went to the hospital - essentially to hand off the sandwhich - and then went home...

i am. exhausted.

B-rad's eye will be fine, by the way. It's very painful and red and watery, sensitive to light.
with all these things piling up on top of me, i feel very much like the universe or something was really glad i took the day off. Not much of a resting day for me, though.

Also, Chewie is - well, still clingy and needy, but the fever is gone and he's generally happy.

Happy Birthday Baby!

2009-07-05T21:47:00.003-06:00

Happy first b-day Little Chewie!! Love you.

The Letter is Here

T-Minus 6 Days....

2009-06-29T18:11:00.006-06:00

Can you believe that in six days my little Chewie will be a whole year old??

such a teeny tiny little man, his whole bum fit in the palm of my hand.

Feels like forever, and still only yesterday.

also - i be guestpostin' over at Witchypoo's bloggy blog! go forth and read, my minions!!

love laura

I have Inappropriate thoughts about Zac Efron

2009-06-27T20:37:00.004-06:00

Maybe i have been under a rock for the last, i dunno, three years, but i don't have any tweenage girls in my home to have brought the little tidbit to my attention.

I have never seen High School Musical or any of the sequels, i did watch Hairspray and thought the dude was pretty cute... but it wasn't until i saw him on Saturday Night Live with his perfectly messy hair - coming back to his High School Musical high school as Troy with sad news from his first year at college that NO ONE bursts in to song in the real world.... that was when i started getting that giddy girly feeling...

I know that he's a kid, barely legal, and that i'm almost 30.... but i would mess up that hair for him....ifyouknowwhatimsaying... and just this last weekend, i had a very, uhm, adult dream about this young man - and i woke up thinking: "Thank you, Zac"

no. wait.

It's wrong for me to have the hots for the same guy as my eleven year old niece. right?

But, i mean, he's a triple threat.... he's got the moves, he's got the voice, and the kid is funny as all hell.... and he MAY be working his way up the Do-able ladder - only a few short rungs from the reigning champion, the fabulous Mister Timberlake

26 questions...ANSWERED!!

2009-06-25T19:41:00.003-06:00

in an effort to stay away from the media/blog feeding frenzy that will very soon be the passings of two great legends of our time, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcette... i am going to answer a few questions that C.J. of the Travelling Circus posed on his blog "26 Questions Men are Afraid to Ask Women"

1. Do you have the same threesome fantasies that we do and if so, what's the right way of going about making a threesome happen?

Yes, i'd say that as a rule, we probably do - but we worry that if we mention our fantasy it will make you assume that we want to pursue it in real life. I'd say if you're lucky enough to find a woman who will openly admit to and share her threesome fantasy, don't push it or she'll turn tail and never share that fantasy about dressing up as a school girl either. and there is no right way of going about making it happen... you shouldn't try to make it happen, if it's going to happen it will take it's very own organic course.

2. And how do we make it happen with your best friend?

If you're one of the extremely lucky ones who manages to find a woman willing to try out the threesome game, it will not be with her best girlfriend. Girls are super highly protective of their relationships and are, more often than not, unwilling to risk losing their Girl for some Lay. So, best lay off and start scoping out chicks together, chicks who are not already in the best girlfriend zone.

3. If I leave the door open when I'm peeing because I don't want to miss the game, are you going to be upset?

If it was me, no. i don't care. Just as long as you don't do it to take a shit, and as long as my parents aren't over.

4. Can you pay the bill if I leave my wallet at home?

Sure. Most women i know are willing to pick up the tab once in a while.

5. Are you really turned on by having sex during your period?

uhm, ew. no. Nothing could be more UNTURNING OF ON than being bloated, crampy, bleedy, and bitchy. Yeah baby.

6. Who would you side with, me or your best friend?

I'd side with who ever makes the best argument.

7. Why do you have to tell me about how hot Johnny Depp is?

Because you have to look at porn. Johnny Depp IS girl porn so let us enjoy it. Plus, we want you to know that we find sexy, fucking cool, and bad ass attractive. Take notes. Also, maybe if we let it be known how we get turned on by the Depp, you might think you'll get some if we watch Chocolat together.... then we get to watch Chocolat.

8. What if I can't remember your mom's name?

If we're married and you can't remember my mom's name by now - you're probably in big trouble. If we're dating you can probably get away with calling my mom Mrs. Diva for a while, all Eddie Haskins-like.

9. Should I call your mom, "mom"?

No. And i shouldn't have to call your mom "mom" either... frankly, i think it's kinda creepy... it'd be like implying your my brother... gross.

10. Does body hair really bother you so much that you'd make me go through the same amount of pain that you experience when you give birth? If you think that's an exaggeration, think about the fact that you think giving birth is the most painful thing that could happen to you and recognize that we can't understand that pain so how can you say that a guy getting waxed doesn't nearly equally giving birth.

I'd like to point out here that having Gallstones was more painful than childbirth. And body hair doesn't really bother me. so...

11. You check out other guys too, don't you?

Yeah, we do.

12. If yes, does that mean that your gender is naturally hypocritical?

The difference is that when we do it we're not as BLATANTLY OBVIOUS as you are, we don't stop mid sentence to check out someone who, more than likely, 14 years old... and we don't check out every guy who walks by. Frankly, the guy has to be really fucking cute for me to give him more than a seconds glance. Even then... i really don't think it's the Checking out of other girls that bothers us, its that you do it so openly - while we're talking to you, while we're standing next to you. It makes us feel very insecure for one, and unimportant for two, and not pretty/interesting/special enough to hold your attention for longer than 3 minutes.

13. Farting is a natural biological operation. I realize that's not a question but I thought you should know.

Yes.

14. Is it the size of the boat or the motion of the ocean?

A big cock does not a good time in the sack make. You can have a monster shlong and we'll still be counting down the minutes to the 'big finish' so we can get to sleep if you don't have other moves in your repertoire. Seriously, guys. Get over yourselves. The human female can't physically take much more than 6 inches anyway.

15. Do you poo?

Everyday

16. How do we make the first kiss less awkward? Standing there, waiting for you to go in your door and wondering if we're supposed to kiss you or walk away isn't easy for us.

It's not easy for us either. We're both standing there, feeling the heat, wondering who will make the first move. I say, just ask. If she's into you, she'll say yes and you'll be locking lips in no time. If she says no thanks - well, tonight is not your night buddy.

17. Can I have a gun?

I can't imagine why you'd need one. Can i have a pony? Both expensive, completely unecessary and frivolous... only as far as i know, the pony wouldn't accidentally go off and kill the mailman. or maybe it would... i never had a pony. ...pout...

18. What if my best friend accidentally sees the naked pictures I took of you?

You're in a lot of trouble. like, a lot of fucking trouble... unless he's hot... and wants to be in a threeway... wait, you're cool with 2 dudes + 1 chick 3somes, right?

19. When is the appropriate time in our relationship to start calling you my old lady?

Never. OR 1967.

20. Roses. Do you really want roses?

No, not really. While it is nice to recieve flowers for no reason, roses aren't the end all and be all of flowers... they're kinda overplayed anyway, and they smell like grandmas. Try something bright and colourful, like daisies. Avoid carnations. Nothing says "I bought these flowers from the checkout stand at the grocery store while picking up toilet paper" like carnations.

21. If we have a fight and I know you're wrong and you know you're wrong, why do I still have to be the first one to apologize?

Because, someone needs to start the ball rolling. Eventually, once you're talking again, she'll probably own up to being wrong, but she wants to do that from a place of safety.

22. Can I still be friends with my ex?

It depends on so many factors. How did it end? Who ended it, and why? How long has it been since you broke up, was she the LAST person you dated?

23. Do you believe in the Sasquatch?

Not really, but there are weirder things out there than Sasquatch...

24. If I can devour a Big Mac in 45 seconds, is that hot? My buddies think it's pretty cool.

I think i would side with your buddies and think that it's cool...but not hot. If you can devour me in 45 seconds... that's fucking hot.

25. Speaking of my buddies, if I go out with them one night, what time should I come home? And don't act like my mother about it.

Generally, any time between 1 and 2 am is cool... but communication is the key. She's less likely to care when you're home if she knows when you'll be back. And she's probably worried about you, cuz she loves you and wants to make sure you're safe. So, if you're going to be home late - just make sure she knows what your expected time back is.

26. Will you still love me when my six pack suddenly becomes a keg?

yes.

creative prompts prompt me to be creative.

2009-06-23T09:18:00.003-06:00

i borrowed this from Farmer's Wife cuz what better way to force yourself to write than to answer someone elses writing prompts!? She got these prompts from Mama's Losin' It

1.) Grab your current read. Let the book fall open to a random page and share two "teaser" sentences from that page, somewhere between lines 7 and 12.

"You really can heal," John exclaimed.
"Well, the sniffles are easy," Joshua said. "A little mucus is nothing against the power of the Lord."
"Would -- would you mind?" John said, lifting up his tunic and showing his bare privates, which were covered with sores and greenish scales.
"Cover, please cover!" I yelled. "Drop the shirt and step away!"
"That's disgusting," Joshua said.
"Am I unclean? I've been afraid to ask my father, and I can't go to a Pharisee, not with my father being a priest. I think it's from standing in the water all of the time. Can you heal me?"
(I have to say here that I believe that this was the first time Joshua's little sister Miriam ever saw a man's privates. She was only six at the time, but the experienc so frightened her that she never married. The last time anyone heard from her, she had cut her hair short, put on men's clothes, and moved to the Greek island of Lesbos. But that was later.)

From my favourite book "Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal"

2.) What do you aspire to be?

Growing up i only ever wanted to be one thing... A Famous Singer. So much so that i went to school at the university for music, majoring in Voice. I sang in a few Operas, in the chorus, and i was in a band in Calgary for a while, B-rad and i still dabble and the odd time we write a few more lines to a song here or there (in between dirty diapers and naptimes, that is). I still have the dream, although a close runner up is to be a writer. I used to write all kinds of stories when i was growing up and my mom told me recently that she was surprised that i went into music and not english.

3.)Share a piece of unsolicited parenting advice...only I'm soliciting it.

Don't stress the small things. Okay, so maybe he dumped his cereal on the floor for the umpteenth time and pulled everything out of the diaper bag...again... and maybe he is screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason whatsoever... but before you know it he'll be going to school, then one day he won't want to hug you in public or hold your hand, or cuddle, one day he'll go to high school and you may only get one word answers for the next 4 years... and one day he may go to college and meet someone and get married...

enjoy every moment because they'll be over before you know it.

4.)Tell us about your blogline...how long have you been blogging, when did you start, what were/are your goals for your blog, etc.

"the cutest little blog on the internet" ...well, when i was in highschool someone made me a very awesome gift. I was dating someone really awful at the time, who treated me terribly, made me feel that i was ugly or fat, or not worth being kind to. I mostly hid that part of our relationship cuz on the outside we seemed happy enough. Anyway, i was given a drawing. It said: "You are a beautiful person, Laura". I made me very happy. I put it up in my bedroom, next to the lightswitch where i was sure to see it everyday... and over time - reading it everyday, i began to believe it. It slowly built me up... piece by piece until i actually believed that i was worth being treated better than the way Dickface was treating me. Eventually, i ended it - for good. My own personal life line. So, the tag line is to remind me everyday that i'm worth something.

"Saucy Brunettes of the World Unite" is because i'm brunette, and saucy, and it seemed to go with the Pin Up.

5.)If you had 5000 dollars to give away or donate to a charity...explain what you would do with it and why.

I think i would give it to the Children's Hospital fund here in my city, to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, to be specific. The NICU was so great to us, but we were very nearly sent away to either Edmonton or even to Minot, North Dakota, because there weren't enough spots in the hospital we were at. We were extremely lucky that Chewie was born at 12:53 and they happened to send someone from NICU home that day at 3. Not that $5,000 would do a whole lot, but it would hopefully at least purchase an isolette. Or some equipment, or a pumping machine or two.

helloooo

2009-06-22T10:43:00.006-06:00

I have over 300 unread items in my reader. The Blog World NEVER SLEEPS!!!

Hello all,
did you miss me? I sure missed y'all. B-rad has had the last week off from work, so it was hard to find the time to sit and write and catch up when i was busy running around, and sexing it up, and playing with the baby, and going to the pool, and meeting our new(ish) neighbours, and going to the lake for the day, and having a fire in the backyard, and drinking beers, and seeing old friends, and attending my brother's girlfriends baby shower...

but all that is over. B-rad is back to work, the house is mostly cleaned and quiet as Chewie is napping. The coffee is cold, i just watched "House Bunny" on the free movie channel, thinking about things i need to get done at some point, and finally sat down with Fiona to check up on the blog world. yep. over 300 unread items.

I just want to share these amazing photos... they're from Xtine's wedding two saturdays ago... the photographer Sharon was just a peach! and she loved my Bebe. and who wouldn't! He IS pretty effin' cute and all. (click to enlarge)

check out her site here www.valleyportraits.ca

2009-06-14T22:20:00.003-06:00

[photo credit]

Ugh.

we just got back from our week long road trip extravaganza, the first attempt with baby in tow.
right now i am exhausted. Hella exhausted.

I am going to unpack, do some laundry and buy some groceries and get the photos off my camera.

I'm sure you're all relieved to hear i didn't fall off the face of the Earth, though, aren't you?

blurb

2009-06-03T15:02:00.002-06:00

the act of living is so surreal, when you think about it.

here i am, enjoying my day - going to the Children's Festival with Chewie and my little nephew... 700 km away my very good friend is having her ovary removed today.... and another friend of mine is in the process of delivering her first baby...

All these incredible days in different people's lives, all happening simultaneously and completely independent of each other.

surreal.

It's Summer, time to party. finally

2009-06-01T07:51:00.006-06:00

Over the last three weeks i've had two occasions where Grandma and Grandpa have taken Chewie home for the night so i could stay out getting drunk and silly.

The first was for my friend Xtine's bachelorette party, highlights included:

too many Rum and Cokes and far too much Karaoke...
and All That Jazz...
and a creepy dude in pleated pants and loafers hitting on us saying: "Do those flowers mean you ladies need to get lei-ed?" to which i replied: "No, it means we've ALREADY been lei-ed." and then finding out later that the dude was drinking orange bacardi breezers, thus dubbing him "Bacardi Breezers" for the rest of the night...
heading outside in my drunken state to share a ciggy with Xtine's auntie Shelley and blurting out: "Hey, can i have a Toke off that?...uh, i mean puff? Can i have a puff off that? i don't even know what a toke is!"
and not having to show James my boobs in exchange for taking us through the CrackDonald's drive thru after Mika assured us that he would require some kind of sexual favour as payment for allowing food in his freshly detailed car... when i asked him if we could go he said: "okay".

the other was last Saturday night for mine and my brother's combined Costume Birthday Party where the theme was "Dead Celebrities: Really, The Best Kind" where such known celebrities as:

Albert Einstein
Audrey Hepburn
Mister Rogers
Nancy Spungen
Greta Garbo
Tammy Faye Baker
Bea Arthur
Estelle Getty
James Dean
Mother Theresa
Aliyah
Jackie O
Erma Bombeck
Dean Martin
Rodney Dangerfield
Patsy Cline
Johnny Cash
June Carter
Bonnie and Clyde
Chris Farley
Kurt Cobain
Bettie Page
Jessica Rabbit (i wasn't aware that she had died)
and Shirley Temple (also not dead) were in attendance.
Oh, and me, i was Judy Garland - "Get Happy" (google it)

i had just written about four paragraphs that involved the graphic nature of my drinking and the horrible after effects the next morning, and acidity, and bile, and the possible drinking effects of the lacking of ones gallbladder... but i don't want you to get the impression that this blog is all about puke now. In reality, it's so much more...i hope.

So, i will leave you with my sexy gams! WOO!

A few words on Vomit and Poop

2009-05-21T10:09:00.001-06:00

Over the past 2(3) days, i really feel that - if i haven't earned my Mother Badge before, i have it now.

A nasty bug has infiltrated our house and home, but decided to only hook its grimy little pinchers into the weakest, most vulnerable, and cutest member of our household. Poor little Chewie has spent the better part of the last 2 days sick sick sick.

Tuesday morning at around 5 am, i woke up to hear Chewie making noises, followed by coughing. I went in to check on him and he was limp and so tired, he rested his head on my shoulder and fell back to sleep. I took him to my bed and we laid down, him sleeping on my chest, for about an hour or so.

When he woke up, he seemed happy enough, just kind of listless. So, i nursed him, and he was good until he puked up every last drop of what he just drank. This was the start of what the day was like. I continued to keep an eye on him, his temperature was slightly elevated, but he wouldn't eat, and he wouldn't drink... he wouldn't nurse either. This worried me. I kept feeding him bits of juice/water here and there, but everything i put in him, he brought back up again.

I would have taken him to the Minor Emergency Clinic, but we actually had a Dr. appt for that afternoon anyway, a NICU check up at the hospital Paediatric outpatients clinic.

Poor little guy, it was tough because we just don't have the communication. I can't reassure him other than to hold him while he cries, and to wipe away the vomit and rub his back. sigh.

At the appointment, the Doctor said he didn't like Chewie's colour, and was worried that he was getting dehydrated (as was i) so he sent us downstairs to the Pediatric ER for some blood work and Urine sample - apparently little boys are prone to bladder infections and kidney infections.

So B-rad, Chewie and I spent approx 4 hours in the hospital Tuesday night. Poor little dude. The upside is that we were able to get him to drink a full bottle of juice and water so he didn't need an IV, but the downside was - we had to hold him down so they could get enough blood for a sample. I don't know why that didn't occur to me when they said the words 'blood sample' for some naive reason i thought they'd just poke him with a pin and take a slide of blood and that'd be it.

Oh god, it was awful, again because of the lack of communication... and i'll never forget the look on his face as he screamed at being held down... the look of "Mom! Why aren't you helping me? Don't let them do this to me, mom! Don't!" it kinda chokes me up even now.

But that's not even the worse part, because he wouldn't pee, so they couldn't get a urine sample... which means.... CATHETER! Now, i think i may have written before about how this is a learning hospital, as most university hospitals are... but i think we may have gotten the D student Nurse. And if we had known that a student would be putting in the catheter, i'm pretty sure we would have said something. Needless to say, this was the worst nurse i've ever seen... and poor little Chewie screamed and screamed until he started losing his fight, which was awful to see him give up. FINALLY the other nurse said: "Just take it out. Take it out!" because the stupid nurse kept pulling it out, and putting it back in, and pulling it out and putting it back in, cuz she's a fucking moron. My poor screaming baby, with the tube going in and out of his little pee-pee even attracted the attending Doctor who watched the moron who was hurting my child.

B-rad and i were less than impressed.

The actual nurse told us that they'd put a bag on him, but if he didn't pee in the next 15 minutes, they'd have to try the catheter again.

They walked out of the little cubicle, i looked at B-rad and said; "what the FUCK was that?!"

GAH!

So, long story short, he didn't pee - but i overheard the Pediatric Doctor telling the Stupid Nurse that she was doing it all wrong and that she needed to do X Y and Z with little boys and then something about "next time", so B-rad and i were all ready to demand someone else try the catheter when the Peds Doc came in and declared that he would do the cath. he was in and out in less than a minute.

i mean, okay, i know that everyone has to learn sometime, but not on my fucking kid, especially if you're clearly a goddamned idiot.

So, blood tests were negative - except that my boy is anemic, which is kinda frustrating because he eats red meat twice a day... like, 2 ice cubes full at least, sometimes more. The doctor said that this may be why he is so pale, but the levels were high enough that he wouldn't need a transfusion or anything, that he could sort it out on his own.

And the urine test came back clear, so no kidney or bladder problems... the long and short of it: He has a nasty bug.

So, we took him home and cuddle the hell out of him. The upside at this point was that he hadn't vomited in over 4 hours, the downside... he moved into full blown diahrrea.

So, that night we set up the play pen in our bedroom to keep him close by, but didn't end up using it because the only way he'd sleep was on my chest... which means that I didn't sleep. Well, not very well anyway... and B-rad has been working early so he has been getting up at 5... so in an effort to let him get some sleep i took care of the baby solo, which was very exhausting to say the least.

Yesterday i did nothing except change poopy diapers, and try to sooth the diaper rash that has taken up residence on his little bum. He wouldn't nurse at all yesterday, and not for a lack of trying either. The only thing he'd drink was apple juice and water, and he did manage to eat a bit yesterday. But i spent the bulk of it with him either sleeping on my chest or sitting in my lap.

This morning, after a good night sleep (for both of us) he seemed a littele more like himself, although still fairly cuddly. He had a more solid poop, hooray, and he had some breakfast and has been generally happy.

As i type this, he's waking up from his nap. He looks like he needs a hug.

you asked for it...

2009-05-12T23:48:00.011-06:00

here it is...

a 2 minute highlight reel from my Triathlon on Sunday morning.
it's pretty kick ass.

If you watch to the end, there's a super secret bonus footage...

Triathlon + Super Secret Bonus Feature.... from iamthediva on Vimeo.

**i just spent all night creating this really awesome video that highlights my triathlon, and i published it on yootoob but it got pulled cuz i don't have c0nsent to use the song i picked. thank the gods for Vimeo**

I have decided that doing a triathlon is a lot like being in labour.
The first event begins and you think, "Uhhhh, this is NOT fun... i don't want to do this.." but you push yourself to keep going, cuz you know there's a long journey ahead of you....

then you get to the next event, and you think: "UHHHH, THIS IS NOT FUN, in fact, this down right sucks! This is SOOO hard!! I don't wanna do this anymore" but you're kinda proud of yourself, cuz, i mean, you're doing the hardest part... it can't get any worse, right?

and then you do the NEXT event and you think: "Wait, THIS is the hardest part, and THIS REALLY SUCKS", and you want to give up, but by this time you know how close you are to the end so you suck it up and do it, even though you're exhausted and every muscle in your body is aching.

But, i survived. And i just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to encourage me and ~~egg me on~~ support me while i was training. It was totally fucking awesome of all of you.

There's a sweet picture in that video where i'm crossing the finish line and i have a big goofy grin on my face... you made that possibe!

So, maybe i'll do it again next year, and maybe not. While there is a sense of victory after you're done, i just don't know if Traithloning (i made it a word, deal with it) is the sport for me. Three events in one go takes a lot of concentration and change of focus. So, while i may be signing myself up again, come next February, it'll be cuz my mom ~~forced~~ encouraged me to do it again. I did lay down a few ~~name calling~~ challenges myself... so we'll see... if my mother in law signs up, then i'll be doing it for sure.

Now that i have a kickass knee brace i'm going to keep up on the running. I got myself a watch with a timer for my birthday, it's awesome. Besides. I love running. I always have.

Hang on to your horses.

2009-05-11T21:35:00.003-06:00

i know you're all dying to know how my triathlon went...

and i'm still wading through photos and video footage - and have been busy busy busy doing Mother's Day junk, having picnics in the park, dealing with a miserable teething monster, planning drinks for my birthday tomorrow, organizing my life for the bridal shower/stagette that's happening at my house this weekend, getting party games ready, trying to organize some kind of a Themed Birthday party for the end of the month co-hosted with my bro Billiam... (Theme: Dead Celebrities, i may go as Janis Joplin, haven't decided yet)

BUT, when i come up for some air, hopefully soon, i'll post some pics and give y'all the lowdown, cuz you know, like any good blogger, i was composing my post while DOING the triathlon - cuz i'm a nerd like that. And you Love Me for it. Don't YOU!???

Oh, and thanks for all the votes of confidence and support and messages encouraging me to keep going! I really appreciated it!

'Twas the Night Before The Race

2009-05-09T21:49:00.002-06:00

...and all through the house...

really, i'm just trying not to think about it by watching Justin Timberlake on SNL.
My race starts tomorrow morning at 8:30 am, and there are too many people coming to cheer me on for me to back out now, lol.

Let's just hope that it's warmer tomorrow than it has been the last couple of days. It snowed all morning/most of the afternoon on friday, and poured rain today...

wish me luck.

my motto: "Just Finish!!!" and also, don't fuck it up.

Outside "Outside the Wall"

2009-05-09T07:47:00.006-06:00

NonMusic related highlights from last night's Pink Floyd tribute band include:

Being ID'd at the door and being denied a wristband because i had no ID...then i offered my wedding ring as evidence of being older than 19... when that didn't fly, i offered up my stretch marks from having recently given birth....and then having my friend cry out "but she's almost thirty!!!" no go. Luckily i have a B-rad....he got me good and wasted.
Spilling a full-except-for-two-sips beer in my lap with a very long bag of popcorn...early in the night and having to wear beerpants for the rest of the evening
Some old dude totally passing out and falling out of his chair next to us. Made me feel ~~slightly~~ better for wearing beerpants
Being the underdog in a heated game of Rock/Paper/Scissors and totally making a comback and winning the whole thing in Sudden Death Over Time!
Almost punching an old woman in the face with my victory air punch!
The B-rad and i being molested by a middle aged woman who screamed nonsense in our ear... what we both sort of caught was; mumblemmblemumbleohmygodthisbandfuckingrawksmumblemumble
mumbleyouguysareawesomeandyouresocuteandloveymumblemumbleiloveyouguys
Being Moletsted by two more times after that.
hot dog from a hot dog vendor in the way home

The last time i danced...

2009-05-08T16:01:00.003-06:00

The last time i danced was Tuesday, in my kitchen - the best place for dancing, while i was demonstrating to the B-rad the newness and AWESOMENESS that is my new bra (sooo sexy...if not for the inappropriateness of showing a photo of my jugs on line, i'd totally show you my jugs)…how it holds me in, better than many sports bras i’ve owned in the past…and it may have involved a sexy chair dance, a little bit of Carmen Electra’s Strippercize moves, aaannnd booty shake THRUST...booty shake THRUST...and a poorly executed head toss/hair flip that may or may not have put my back out.

the end.

you?

a meme of a different (off)colour

2009-05-06T10:01:00.002-06:00

mememememememememeeeeee....

i found this over at the Traveling Circus and couldn't resist.

Instructions: Go to www.urbandictionary.com and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then copy and paste the definition it gives you for each question.

1. Your name: Laura

-Sex on legs
-Tiger in the bedroom
-Waiscoast is TEH SEX
-Adorable
-Possibly the rudest person you will EVER meet
-Cute. END OF.

Michelle: "Did you meet up with Laura last night?"
Hannah: "Yeh, she was a tiger in the bedroom!"
(Laura walks past...)
Michelle: "Aye up, sex on legs.."

Laura says: oooh yeeeeah, a tiger in the bedroom... TEH SEX!

2. Your age in 5 years: 34.
Slang for anal sex, similar to 69 or 89

The 3 represents a butt while the 4 represents the top vie of a man holding his penis towards the butt-hole.

I'm gonna let my boyfriend 34 me this thursday.

Laura says: uhm. really? kids these days... in my day the only hilarious number was 69

3. The name of one of your friends.
Christine:

A deity; the best person to be in your corner; unlimited power and potential; a muse; someone that can change your life. Someone that takes your side even when you're wrong; soulmate; kismet; fortuitous; serendipity

If I only had Christine, I could do anything!

Laura says: yay!

4. What should you be doing?
laundry:

Laundry can and is often used as a code name for sex, for discussion around people in public, or for people who are uncomfortable with the term "having sex" or "intercourse."

A woman says to her husband "Can we do the laundry?" The man says to his wife, "I already did the laundry, it was a small load, so I did it by hand."

Laura says: this made me giggle... a small load... by hand....snort....

5. Your favorite color.
purple:

Extremely potent marijuana, specifically marijuana buds that have a purple hue to them. Also accompanied by a fragant, usually fruity smell and mad perma-grin.

Yo, you gotta come over and smoke, boy! I got the purple!

Laura says: perma-grin, eh? good thing i didn't put 'brown', lord knows what would have come up then...

6. Birth place.
Red Deer: City between Calgary and Edmonton in Alberta. lots of sluts (more than calgary). the college is 75% women! woo! terrible nightlife, just shitty kiddie bars.

i go to school in red deer but dear god i can't wait to transfer to a real university. but dr. stuebing still rocks.

Laura says: Is this some sort of slight to my MOTHER!?!? She was a SAINT!...although i am intrigued by this Dr. Stuebing fellow....

7. The month of your birthday.
May:

may is the month where teachers think that they can control a classroom but really nothing gets done and no one cares about their grades anymore. usually this happens because summer break is only 30 days away

"hooray i have math..."
"don't worry bro, its may, nothing gets done anymore"

Laura says: May was always the best month of school...and for that exact reason. Who cares anymore?

8. The last person you talked to.
Mom: the woman who loves you unconditionally from birth, the one who puts her kids before herself and the one who you can always count on above everyone else.

Just telling her your problems makes you feel better because mom's always know how to make it all go away.

Even if you fight, know that she's just looking out for your best interests.

Where would you be without your mom?

Laura says: awww,....mom....

9. Good friend.
Muffy:

Another Australian slang term. Down under, it is a verb that means when a man gives a woman cunnilingus. (That means he licks her vagina)

"G'day, Scotty! I heard you, ah, gave ya girlfriend a muffy on the week-end, mate."
{Pronunciation is actually "muff-ee"}

Laura says: is it no surprise that Muffy is the nickname for my gay friend?

10. First pet.
Cat:

The definitive pet.
Cleans self. Knows how to catch it's food.
Probably gave humans the idea for a "vaccum." Is intelligent and curious.
Likes to lay around alot, sort of like a couch potato. That's cool though.

They are usually quiet and know where to use the bathroom, unlike dogs.

Cats rule, dogs drool. Remember that.

Laura says: amen.

Unfortunately for me....

2009-05-02T13:59:00.002-06:00

okay, it's Saturday and i just wanna post some fluff after that heavy post.

so it's a variation on the "Laura Needs..." google game, except you say "Unfortunately [yournamehere]..." you get the idea.

1. Unfortunately Laura's audio dropped out during her talk. [Probably a good thing, or else my answer would have come out wrong yet again.] c-- --o- ea-r m-e -oow??

2. Unfortunately, Laura's handicap and her debilitating shyness prevent her from living up to the expectations Amanda has for her. Why should i live to Amanda's expectations anyway? Who the hell is she??,.....damn stupid shyness.

3. Unfortunately, Laura has not stood the test of time very well. Well excuuuuuuuuse me! Let's see how YOU look after spitting a human being out your va-jay-jay. And anyway, how is 28 years (and 355 days) the TEST OF TIME!? {for those of you keeping score, yes. my birthday is in ten days... i'll be expecting your shower of gifts in the mail post haste}

4. Unfortunately, Laura H., I believe domestic rabbits CAN survive in the wild -- which is part of the problem. Well, anonymous stranger, what the hell am i supposed to do with all these rabbits i was planning on letting loose in DownTown The Skatch?

5. Unfortunately, Laura, who had been improving in her attitude and weight loss, continued to feel pain in her hips. Well, at least SOMEONE noticed my attitude and weight loss has been improving. Yes, the hips do continue to be a problem for me. Not so much my knee anymore, thanks to a kick ass knee brace... but my hips ARE double jointed... and not in any way that's beneficial in the BOUDOIR...

6. Unfortunately, Laura Lynn Sundae Nut Cones aren't as good as Nestle Drumsticks. Nobody said you had to eat it. So why don't you just give it back then, you ingrate. jerk.

7. Unfortunately Laura didn't make it to the finals, everybody in Flanders had now seen her obvious singing talent, but Laura kept a cool head. I always try to keep a cool head, but now that everyone in Flanders has seen my obvious singing talent, what else is there to live for??

8. Unfortunately Laura had sold all of the cds she had brought in a great run at the end of the first night's concert, so no merch was immediately available. That sounds like a good thing to me. Yay! I sold all my Merch!! W00t W00t!! Too bad i have to pay off the 200 lb gorilla of a bouncer. daang.

9. Unfortunately, Laura has yet to come in other shapes or sizes. That IS unfortunate. Variation is the key, people. We can't ALL look like me, although this is an OK shape and size. Hm, i wonder if this is why i'm having trouble losing that baby weight. Maybe i should have checked my warrantee before having a be-be.

10. Unfortunately, Laura gets separated from her companions and ends up on the roof of The Young Soo Chim Islamic Bank. This happens to me EVERYTIME i go grocery shopping. It's so embarassing, and then there's the news, and the helicopters and the explanations. I don't leave my house anymore....

Luckily for me....

1. Luckily Laura Turner Seydel will tell you it's never too late to turn in your toxins. It's NEVER too late to turn in your toxins... just leave them at the desk on your way out, let Helen know which ones are yours so she can cross you off the list. Thanks.

2. Luckily, Laura used her Negotiation Skills to get the American Government to bribe the poachers with solid gold bullion cubes Little did they know i was bribing THEM with bouillion cubes. Haa ha ha haaa...... mmmmmmbrothy.....

3. Luckily, Laura's sister is also a dancer so understands and trusts that this is part of the dance act. Sister? Sister?? i never KNEW i had a SISTER!!!!

4. But luckily Laura Mercier staff are usually very accomodating and have a few samples that you can try before you commit this amount of money... which is very important as there's a recession going on and you really want to know if the DirtyDiaper is the scent for you.

5. Luckily, Laura was an engineer and Ralph was a nerd. Poor Ralph. He bent his wookie.

6. Luckily, Laura caught her before she hit the ground. Faster than a speeding bullet!

7. Luckily, Laura Pufpaff found a surrogate. uhm, i did it without a surrogate, actually, and i have the stretch marks and the scarred lady business to prove it.

8. Luckily Laura was willing to pose for this piece that featured her favorite thing to do, swim in shark infested waters as she studied the big fishes. ...i'mgonnadowhatnow?!?

9. Luckily Laura developed her skills and now counts knitting, cross-stitching, and developing the perfect tote bag among her favorite things in life. yes.

10. Luckily Laura and I got seats...they were extremely tight...my legs didnt fit in properly and at first i was able to stick them out in the corridor. don't you hate it when your legs don't fit properly? Good thing hers were detachable so we could just leave them outside in the hall way.

Falling in Love With a Straight Girl

2009-04-28T21:33:00.005-06:00

Part I

We parked on the top of the hill overlooking the river. It was dark and the lights from the houses below reflected on the water as it made its way through the city. Our conversation, once silly and light as we sipped our five dollar lattes, waxed philosophical as she killed the engine. One of many mixed CDs played on the stereo at low volume.

Her hair, long and blonde and the colour of wheat, was piled on top of her head in her signature ponytail. She leaned her seat as far back from the steering wheel as possible and made herself comfortable as I spoke about the ideas like The Hundred Monkey Theory, or Reincarnation, or Coincidence vs Fate.

She was four years younger, barely twenty, and I almost felt in my naive way that I was her mentor and she was my protege and I was passing on all the information that had been crammed into my head over the last two years. It was exhilarating to have her undivided attention, to have her laugh at my witty repartee, to share things with her I wished someone would have told me when I was twenty.

Over the last six months or so I found myself enjoying her company more and more, and we found reasons to hang out on almost a daily basis. We would see each other three to five times a week, sometimes she’d come over with a case of beer and we’d just hang out, other times, like this night, we’d head to the mall to shop. She was a girly girl. I was not. She lived at home, I was a newly wed. She had money to burn, I was barely squeaking by. Luckily the conversation was usually good enough to keep us both entertained.

She had a great laugh, and was just the right amount of zany to make her fun but not too quirky. She reminds me, still, of Carrie Bradshaw at age twenty, except without the horse face.

We had a friendship that just sparked in all the right ways and I don’t remember having a girl friend who made me laugh this hard this often but who could turn around and talk about religion, philosophy, theoretic or abstract concepts without batting one of her long lashes. All these thoughts twirled around in the fog of my brain until that night, when they came to a screeching halt hitting me full on with the force of a sock full of quarters.

i was in love. with her.

How did this happen? I frantically asked myself as I kept the conversation going smoothly, not letting on to this enormous light bulb that had just gone off in my mind and was temporarily blinding me. Oh God, how did this happen?

Once I had said it out loud in my inside voice, there was no taking it back. I couldn’t hide from it any longer.

Physically, girls were nothing new. Oh, the odd party there may have been one too many drinks, one too many curious girls, one too many guys, one too many suggestive glances..., one two many dares, did i mention one too many drinks? Curvy, soft, girls... Physically; girls were nothing new.

But this. This was beyond the physical. Sitting in the car on the top of the hill, I wanted to kiss her, to put my mouth on her soft mouth. Not an ounce of liquor. anywhere. I wanted to connect with her in a more meaningful way. I was terrified beyond belief!

Woah, back the truck up, back this fucking truck up! my brain screamed to my unlistening pounding heart. There it was - my epiphany...an elephant in her tiny little car. We sat there. Her bubbly laughter floating on the air, and me trying desperately not to love her.

I had never really considered myself to be anything but straight before this moment, all my physical, drunken escapades being chalked up to the great ‘experimenting’ chalkboard in the sky. This had definitely changed my perspective, adding curves to what used to be straight. Blurring lines that were once clearly drawn in the sand.

I was not only emotionally drawn to her, but intellectually stimulated and of course physically attracted to her. I raced through the many different scenarios and possible outcomes that were imaginable in my head over the course of those few seconds of revelation and I was relieved to come to the conclusion that I wasn’t gay. I was still deeply in love with my new husband...still very much attracted to him, still lusting for him. But that did nothing to fix the problem, because now I was faced with the awkward situation of being in love with two people. At. The. Same. Time.

One of whom was completely oblivious, sipping her coffee, and talking about Sacred Geometry. The other; the man I had been in love with for almost ten years, at home - secretly wishing for a threesome (I’m sure) but also unaware of the emotional connection that I, myself, had just been made conscious of.

What the hell am i supposed to do now? I thought, and what could I do?

Grace in Small Things - 18th

2009-04-27T21:17:00.000-06:00

1. Richard Cheese.

2. Swedish Berries

3. Discovering a new Thai restaurant with a new friend with babies in tow!

4. listening to Chewie breathe as he sleeps, watching his chest rise and fall and the perfectness of his cheeks and roundness of his lips.

5. Are you LISTENING to Richard Cheese yet??? yeah! Seriously, having a good laugh at the seriousness that is rock music.

Join me in Schmutzie's Grace in Small Things by becoming a member of the Grace in Small Things Social Network

Triathlon - Training Day 9

2009-04-23T21:04:00.003-06:00

So, there's a fine line... a very fine line between pushing yourself to succeed, and over exerting yourself to the point of an injury.

hm.

guess what i did.

Mother fucking bastard cunt shit twat fucker.

yeah.

it's a knee thing.

It started last week when i missed my run and did the treadmill thing. i started feeling pain.

Then, i ran yesterday around the neighbourhood... and i had to stop, it was just too painful.

Y'know, i shouldn't have gone today, i knew it... even after the information session i knew i should just head 'er home. But, i thought: "I don't want to puss out, c'mon Laura, dig in your toes!"

I just wanted to DO IT. I wanted to push myself, i didn't want to be a whiney wuss; it seems in retrospect that i could have, i don't know, even ran a group down. but i perservered, 5 min run/1 min walk.

Our regular run leader was out of town, so we had someone else take us out. I was REALLY trying to focus on my form and that helped a bit. I managed... but the pain grew steadily worse and i fell back to the back of the group, nay, i became a straggler... a hanger-on...

They had to circle back to get me at each run interval. The "new" leader ran with me and was like: "So, are you dying?" GAWD. i was frustrated. I said: "No, it's not the pace, it's not the distance... i can handle it, it's my knee..."

When my knee finally gave out we had one last run session, i hobbled along the path, and
they circled back to get me, i got: "How's the knee?"

"It's done," i said.

"Well, you could as least walk faster than that right?"

gr.

So, i ran the last interval... i hobbled to my car, i barely made it home and forced my knees to bend so i could get up the stairs... i've been sitting on the bed icing my knee on and off since i got home.

i'm hungry, but the kitchen is downstairs and i worry that if i make it down them, i'll have to spend the night on the kitchen floor.

i'm going to take it easy. Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation... and take it day by day. If it comes to it, i'll opt out on the rest of the runs, there's only two left... because i really REALLY want to run on the day.

a few minutes of cute.

2009-04-22T10:18:00.002-06:00

the first part is smiley happy, the second part is babbly motor-boaty