HaBlog

Talkers Vulnerable

2009-09-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

Republican party leaders said Tuesday radio talk show hosts should not be allowed to hear President Obama's Wednesday speech to Congress because Obama might use it as a propaganda tool for his social views and might indoctrinate America's radio talkers to his socialist agenda. "It's just too dangerous," said one Republican governor, "If we lose the talk show hosts, we won't have anybody left!"

Republcans have been getting extremely nervous since their primary strength is talk radio hosts. In fact, that's why they came out so storngly against Obama's speech to school chldren. If America's school children get serious about edcucation and all go to college, there won't be anybody to do the next generation’s radio talk shows.

Sure, Republicans atill have Fox News, but Fox can’t pull in the supporters Republicans need. "I wouldn’t trade Rush Limbaugh for everybody on Fox," said another Republican governor . "Rush just barely finished high school. He's got what it takes to sucker in real Republicans," he added as he headed for the Appalacian Trail.

Public Housing and Fidelity

2009-07-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

Judge Sonia Sotomayor. President Obama's first nominee to the Supreme Court, introduced herself to the nation Monday by speaking about how her journey from public housing in the Bronx to the federal bench has shaped her philosophy and made her a jurist whose philosophy is guided by “fidelity to the law.” Republicans can't relate. They have no experience with either public housing or fidelity.
-- One senator said he didn't know Fidelity ever invested in public housing.

An Alabama family doctor who twice resurrected her clinic in a rural Alabama fishing village after it was devastated by hurricanes will be nominated to be the new U.S. surgeon general. Unfortunately, Dr. Regina Benjamin has no experience at dealing with one of Washington's toughest diseases -- LATD -- lobbyist arm-twisting disorder.

Happy 233!

2009-07-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

The great thing about the July 4th weekend is that nothing bad can happen -- Congress is on vacation.

The long Fourth of July weekend serves a great purpose. It gets noise, mayhem, and violence off MTV and back on the streets where it belongs.

Our country has changed a lot since 1776. The British taxed paupers like they were millionaires, and today our government taxes millionaires like they were paupers.

It's hard to believe we're 233 years old. I don't feel a day over 210.

Devastating Consequences, hic!

2009-06-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

The nation's largest health insurer trade group says any government plan would force "devastating consequences" on the current insurance arrangements. Unless, of course, insurance industry lobbyists ran the government plan, too.
-- C'mon, guy's, you're not thinking inside the box.
-- You're making people think the American insurance industry can't compete.
-- You're giving up even without a bailout.

Iran's regime blames rioting on interference from the U.S. and radio talk show hosts are planning tea parties because Obama isn't interfering in Iran. Sounds like somebody's confused. Or maybe everybody's confused. I know I am.
-- Not sure a tea party will help.
-- Depending on with what they spike the tea.

You have to admire the President's hypocrisy on smoking. Even if he can't stop, he tries to help others. It's a great example for those who can't give up their love for money.
-- Maybe the new healthcare program can address both those addictions.

Super-Slumdog Cool

2009-02-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

President Obama has a plan to slash the deficit, despite stimulus spending, primarily Iraq troop withdrawals and higher taxes on the wealthy. That should shut Republicans up.
-- But now we'll have to listen to 'em whining for eight years.
-- It's almost like Clinton's back.

Hey, no matter who won the Oscars or how few Republicans watched, any telecast that brought kids from the slums of Mumbai, India, to a free party in Hollywood should win an Emmy, or a Donkey or a month of free happy meals or something super-slumdogcool.
-- Just watching made millions all over the world forget for a few minutes they don't have a place to live.
-- But please, while the kids are here, take them to Disneyland. Pretty sure they'll enjoy Mickey and Goofy more than all those low-cut gowns.

Playboy magazine posted dramatic fourth quarter losses. Big question is, how does Playboy cut back? Wardrobe costs?
-- I don't think so.

Awful News! Just Awful.

2009-01-25T14:38:00.000-08:00

The Stock Market is bracing for awful news. Investors this week are expecting company report cards that may show the worst quarter for corporate profits in a decade. Okay, so?
-- So who needs a job anyway?
-- I mean, most of us always dreamed of an extended vacation.
-- With unemployment.
-- This could be the best thing that ever happened?
-- I think I'll ask my financial advisor -- Alfred E. Newman.

Republicans are resisting President Obama's stimulus plan unless the wealthy get permanent tax cuts. I say go ahead and let 'em have their tax cuts, 'cause by the time they get 'em they won't be wealthy anymore anyway.
-- Then they'll have to pay the middle-class tax increases like everybody else.

President Obama signed an executive order on Thursday to close the military detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. Rumors say Dick Cheney will buy it and turn it into a fancy hotel and gun range.
-- A place where congressmen and senators can go to relax and shoot off their frustrations, at lobbyists expense, of course.

Microsoft says it is cutting 5,000 jobs over the next 18 months --more than 5 percent of its work force. Just in time for the government's program to retrain the unemployed for computer jobs.

Adopt a Gitmo Inmate Today!

2009-01-15T13:52:00.000-08:00

House Democrats on Thursday released an expansive economic recovery plan that calls for $550 billion in spending and aid to states and $275 billion in tax cuts. Now, of course, House members have to dig into the plan and see if their buddies are getting their unfair share.

Attorney General-designate Eric Holder said Thursday that the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay may take longer to close than hoped. With only a 59-vote Democrat margin in the U.S. Senate, a Republican filibuster will kill the idea of releasing the 250 inmates into red states.

Senator Joe Biden bid farewell on Thursday to his senate colleagues. He apparently forgot, as Vice-President, next week he'll be running the Senate. Or maybe he doesn't expect Cheney to leave.
-- He has had access to the security briefings lately.

Bitter cold weather was sweeping across the nation Thursday, putting the Midwest in a deep freeze. In Fargo, North Dakota it felt like 48 below because it was 48 below.
-- Lower than 20 below, you can't feel anything anyway.
-- Assuming you still have fingers.

CNN meteorologist Rob Marciano said unprotected fingers in Fargo could suffer frostbite in 60 seconds. So in Fargo, everybody remembers to wear their goose gloves and their microwave longjohns..

For a Lame One, Bush Ducks Fast!

2008-12-14T18:34:00.000-08:00

Iraqi journalist throws shoes at Bush. Wow! Who knew Iraqi journalists had shoes?
-- American journalists have flip flops.

President Bush made an unannounced farewell visit Sunday to Baghdad, Iraq, where a man threw shoes at him. In Arab culture, throwing shoes at someone is considered an insult. As the man was dragged out screaming, Bush said, "Wow, with that smell, those must be shoes of 'mess' destruction."

Gas prices rose for the second consecutive day following eighty-six consecutive declines. On Sunday, the price of a gallon of gas rose 3/1,000ths of a penny -- probably not enough to make Bill Gates sell his Hummer.
-- Though Melinda might start nagging....

As the economy sinks, School Nutrition Program participation is rising. Some 425,000 more students are participating in the National School Lunch and Breakfast Programs this year than last. And, reportedly, some 7-millon grandparents, who spend all their income on medicine, are going back to school.
-- "Hey, Grumps gotta eat."

Mission Accomplished

2008-11-09T14:22:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama is scheduled to visit the White House Monday for talks with President Bush on the transition. The President is expected to offer his full cooperation. Which means in the keys on the left side of the computer keyboards, no Krazy Glue.
....Also the schedule will have to be carefully controlled to prevent problems between Barney and the new First Puppy.
....Michelle Obama has already indicated the first action she will take on January 20 is to remove the "Mission Accomplished" comforter from the President's bedroom.

Incoming White House Chief of Staff Rep. Rahm Emanuel says Barack Obama supports government assistance for the auto industry. For example, he might suggest they paint Cobalt's something besides yellow.
.... To help, the governrment might buy GM's leftover yellow paint for the Washington Monument.
.... It would make it stand out more and that would be a change in Washington.

China will spend four trillion yuan ($586 billion) on upgrading infrastructure, particularly roads, railways, airports and the power grid; on raising rural incomes via land reform; and on social welfare projects such as affordable housing and environmental protection. They'd probably spend more, but a lot of Chinese money is tied up in American mortgages.

Yea, It's Over!

2008-11-04T20:24:00.000-08:00

John McCain is really happy today. The campaign is over and he doesn't have to smile constantly and act happy all the time. That's hard for a guy McCain's age. Now he can be as grumpy as he wants -- which is more natural for a guy who's 72 and a member of the GOP -- the Grumpy Old Party.
.....For the next four years, Republicans can just be themselves.

Hey, if somebody's got to lose, it's better for the guys who can afford it...... Isn't that right, Mr. Limbaugh?

I was worried Obama might not make it, especially after somebody broke into his campaign headquarters and let the air out of his speeches.

Barrack Obama, a lowly community organizer, organized hundreds of communities to help him raise hundreds of millions of dollars. Now, millions of Republicans are encouraging their kids and grandkids to become community organizers.

Congratulations to President-elect Barrack Obama -- and congratulations to America -- for making a decision with no need for recounts or lawsuits.....And now, may everyone relax and enjoy the end of the political campaign. And everyone at Fox News, go ahead, take off until the inauguration.

It's just so great to see the campaign end so we can get down to the real business of making fun of a new president.

So many voters were deciding on state issues like abortion and same-sex marriage. Do you realize, with a same sex marriage, there can be no abortion? I didn't hear anybody using that argument.

Election Day -- Keep a Straight Face!

2008-11-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

Democrats charged today that Republican submission to "the special interests" was the cause of the current economic fiasco. Democrats, of course, are just plain wrong. There's nothing special about Republican interests -- the same ones they've always submitted to.
....Republicans love guns, tobacco, alcohol, gambling, drugs, and oil. You'd think they'd sold their souls if they weren't so moral.

In yet another campaign attack, Barrack Obama accused John McCane of "bending the truth" about his tax plan. "Bending the truth," is that like bashing someone constantly while claiming to run a positive campaign?.
....It's pretty obvious, the hardest thing about serious campaigning is keeping a straight face..
....If the voters were half as dumb as the politicians think we are, this country would have disintegrated 200 years ago.

Since John McCane's polls indicate the election is still a toss-up, maybe we should review the important themes of each campaign.
....John McCane is ready to do whatever it takes.
....Barrack Obama is ready to change whatever it takes.
.....Good luck, America!
....And remember, it is okay to pray in a voting booth.
....Assuming you know how to pray without a microphone.

Some say the election of Barrack Obama will ruin the country. Others say the election of John McCane will ruin the country. But I say no president can ruin the country all by himself -- that's why he has Congress to help him.

I like to watch election night coverage on Fox. It's just like watching the Simpsons, only with goofier characters.

Sales of fancy underwear are really down. Victoria's Secret is it would have lost money this quarter if not for the Republicans shopping for Sarah Palin.

Who Can Protect Us Best from the Great Pumpkin?

2008-10-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

The latest polls indicate the presidential race seems to be turning slightly toward the Democrats. Uh-oh. Republicans may have to bring back their sublimininenimal TV commercials.
- In the latest Reuters-MSNBC poll Wednesday, Obama edged ahead but analysts said the outcome of the election probably would depend on which party's constituents turn out to vote -- and, of course, how many times they vote.

St Louis Blues goalie Manny Legace injured a hip Friday night when he slipped on the carpet placed on the ice for Sarah Palin to drop the ceremonial first puck. No word on what the carpet cost.
- Manny wasn't watching where he was skating because he was so surprised to see a hockey mom with all her teeth.

John McCain says he learned all his politics from Ronald Reagan. But Democrats are pretty sure he learned some on his recent campaign tactics from George W. Bash.

McCain says he just doesn't have enough money to fight Obama. The Republican National Committee was going to help, but Palin needed new shoes.

Republicans are expected to rev up the fear tactics this week. Like Sarah Palin will tell Americans a liberal cannot possibly protect them from the Great Pumpkin.

Maybe you heard. The Tampa Bay-Philadelphia World Series has pulled such low TV ratings, next year the World Series will be played at half-time on Sunday Night Football.

A New Republican Role Model

2008-10-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

The Chicago Tribune endorsed Obama, first time in over 100 years the Tribune endorsed a Democrat. No word yet on the really important endorsement, however -- Mad magazine.

The Tribune joined the L.A. Times and the Washington Post in endorsing Obama, citing his intellect and good character. Of course, the polls indicate instead of intellect and good character, many Americans may want another Republican.

Having now collected more than $605 million altogether, Barack Obama has become a role model for rich Republicans. In fact, Republicans wouldn't be able to stand it if their minds weren't so consumed with losing a fortune in the stock market.
- Talk about a double deep depression.

But Obama better win. When Michelle finds out the Republicans spent $150,000 on clothes for Palin and Barack has raised $650 million -- and Michele didn't even get new jeans -- the new president definitely will be tested!

Republicans say Sarah Palin's $150,000 wardobe will be given to charity after the election. Might as well, it probably wouldn't bring that much at a Wasilla garage sale.

Baseball is still America's pastime -- though making speeches about restoring integrity to Washington is a close second.

Not Moose Dumplings Again!

2008-10-14T12:43:00.000-07:00

Both John McCain and Barack Obama say they're ready for Wednesday's debate, when for the first time they get to attack each other sitting down. In the third debate, staged primarily for undecided senior citizens, they get to exaggerate from Laz-Y-Boy recliners.

In the latest polls, Barack Obama has surged ahead of John McCain. Obama finally admitted the surge was a good idea.

I got another email today saying Barack Obama is an Arab and a Muslim. And if he's elected Sarah Palin wants to be his energy czar.
- Sarah will do anything to keep from spending another winter in Alaska.
- Can't blame her. She's got to get awfully tired of watching Russians and making moose dumplings.

So, You Enjoying the Depression?

2008-10-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

The United States today removed North Korea from its list of states that sponsor terrorism. This means President Bush can now undertake a history-making visit to North Korea before leaving office. He wants to try that legendary North Korean favorite gourmet dish, chicken-fried dog. They say with the right seasoning it tastes just like squirrel.

Most polls give Obama a slight edge, but the latest Fox News/O'Reilly/Limbaugh poll says the U.S. presidential race is dreadlocked. Uhhh...
- They must mean deadlocked.
- Otherwise, Wednesday's debate may be more interesting than anybody expects.
- In other words, the candidates are tied. Maybe next week they'll be gagged.

A new poll says seven in 10 Americans consider health care a "very important" issue in the presidential election. This should be good news for Barack Obama, who invented health.
- As usual, when asked about health, John McCain said he'd be ready for it on day one.

Sarah Palin denies she has abused her power as Alaska's governor. Palin blamed the liberal media, and claimed she had been too busy watching Russia to abuse anything. (Joe Hickman)

Mission Accomplished

2008-06-14T14:31:00.000-07:00

Big News

President Bush's European trip ended Sunday. It's been kind of hectic with him out of the country, not really sure who's in charge. A lot like when he's here, actually.
- Mission accomplished. Another successful trip for the President. While he was gone, Cheney didn't shoot anybody.

President Bush strongly disagreed with a Supreme Court ruling that clears foreign terrorism suspects at Guantanamo Bay to challenge their detention in U.S. civilian courts. Bush did not threaten to bomb the Supreme Court, but did indicate all options are on the table.

Lots of folks are watching the NBA Playoffs. It’s not that so many Americans like basketball, it's just fun to watch millionaires sweat.

President Bush has admitted to The London Times he regrets his legacy as a man who wanted war. The President even hinted he wishes he'd never gone into politics and was still 2% owner of the Texas Rangers. That's a job he could handle. Show up for a couple ball games a week, sit in the front row, look like a regular fan. Keep your eye on the ball so you don't get a line-drive in the ear.
- Bush was pretty good at that. Highest popularity rating he ever had.
- And he only got hit in the head once.

U.S. Health Officials say citizens of 30 other nations will live up to five years longer than Americans. President Bush said all options are on the table, hinting if we don't pre-emptively attack Japan or Switzerland or Australia before he leaves office, he and Cheney may move there for the health care.

Somebody needs to stop those guys on the Internet from selling secrets to make your car run on water. Before you know it, the price of water will skyrocket.
- People will be siphoning your car to make green tea.

Researchers say they have discovered groups of the silver-haired monkeys in Indonesia that know how to fish. American companies already are offering Senior Monkey credit cards so they can export fishing gear.
- Give a monkey a fish he'll eat for a day; teach him to fish, you can sell him a new rod 'n reel.

Lots more nonsense at Laughs Today, Best topical humor on the Web!

Love & Learn

House of Hazards - Home is where the heart is, it's also where you find an appalling number of pollutants, toxins, harmful microbes and other environmental threats.

Network news feels pain of fractured audiences

Today's Scene: Diversity of opinion on same-sex unions - Where do religious groups stand on the issue of same-sex marriage? Here's a snapshot of several of them, based on research from the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life and local voices.

'Tween 12 and 20: Cool Advice for Teens and Their Parents - Parents can contribute to anorexia.... Dump this dangerous loser of a friend.... Teacher was rude and wrong.... Teen's concerned about complexion.... Buckle up and stay out of harm's way.... Chances are good your guy will call back....The effects of secondhand smoke... Aunt is sounding a false alarm on dating... Premarital sex is a matter of morality... Convincing a drunk not to drive s not easy.... Living with this stepfather is out of the question... Pay attention to teen depression...

Making Sense Is Way Over Rated

2008-05-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

Big News

Americans are getting excited about the presidential race? According to the latest poll, most voters believe John McCain can beat either Democrat if he chooses Britney Spears as his running mate.
- Britney's experience with paparazzi shows she can handle terrorists.

Presdient Bush is threatening to impose wide-ranging U.S. sanctions on any nation in the Middle East that doesn't boost oil production. This is great news for Chinese flag makers, who can now sell millions more U.S. flags to burn.
- U.S. flags are always big profit makers because manufacturers don't have to add flame retardant chemicals.

Momentum is building for the final episodes of all the big TV shows. Sorry, I can't remember any of the big TV shows' names.
- On most of them the hero gets shot.
- That way, if the show's ratings tank, nobody will care if they don't come back.
- If the shows are as big as expected, all new NBC series next fall will feature nothing but final episodes.

Love & Learn

Inside People - Keeping weight off is harder than losing it, but there are ways... Baby Boot Camp: It's worth the wait to lose that baby weight... Researchers, regular people know forgiving is right choice... Much more.

'Straight Out of Hell' - After the murders in Zachary, Louisiana, 4-year-old Lindsay Page Johnson, her own throat slashed, saved her baby sister. Incredibly marvelous journalism.

'Green' home concept goes beyond cutting rising energy bills - Here are 9 suggestions for inside your home, 13 for outside. Can't do 'em all at once maybe, but now's a great time to get started.

Financial Update - ◙ U.S. moves to insulate appraisers from pressure to cook the numbers ... ◙ Sempra completes crucial natural gas terminal in Mexico... ◙ Lawsuits raise questions about private prisons - ◙ A once ailing private-prison sector is now a revenue maker ... - Much more.

'Tween 12 and 20: Cool Advice for Teens and Their Parents - Parents aren't always to blame... Tell parents about boyfriend's past... Teen's record remains clean... Jogging not the best way to lose weight... It's a myth drunks fare better in crashes... Listen up teens, smoking kills...

TV Coseup: Yeardley Smith - For Yeardley Smith, playing Lisa Simpson on "The Simpsons" is a dream job. "Easiest job I ever got," she says. And steady work for 18 years.

Speak up for kids! - Every day we read shocking stories about youth violence and drug abuse. The plight of children should warn us about the state of our nation. We have a national crisis on our hands.

Shallow Thoughts

Did you hear? To make the Indy 500 more exciting, this year half the cars will race clockwise....

Sometimes in the game of life, I feel like an airball.

I went to a sex therapist. Now he's confused, too.

I went camping in the woods. Smokey the Bear dozed off with a cigarette...

My wife says I'm vain, spoiled, arrogant, and callous. I feel so lucky to have someone who knows me that well.

My wife is so creative and malicious. She washes my sweatsocks in the vaporizer. I can't complain. My sinuses stay open.

Surging and Shaking

2008-03-06T15:05:00.000-08:00

Big News

Sen. Barack Obama raised a record $55 million in February for his presidential campaign. The new president will have to raise money a lot faster to pay back the trillions Bush borrowed.

Two bombs went off in Baghdad Thursday, killing at least 53 people and wounding 130. I mention it only because it would be really terrible if the surge wasn't working.

Even though Wall Street remains shaky, the bulls show no signs of running out of money to invest. Where do the bulls get all that mney? A lot of them married rich cows.

Okay, it's time to cut out all the jokes and admit President Bush has given this nation an incredible gift, one for which everyone can be eternally grateful. Thank you, Mr. President, for protecting us from a real terror threat .... by ..... staying alive!
- Hey, it scares ME to death having Cheney a heartbeat away....
- Please, stay the course, Mr. President!

Love & Learn

This Week's Dream Trips - #1: The fantasy world of anime and manga are big draws in Tokyo... #2: California's Bountiful Monterey Bay ... #3: Serene pleasures of the Veneto... #4 -- Crossing the Atlantic on cruise control... #5 -- Spring fortifies in Burgundy and Alsace... #6 -- Manchester's Jewish history source of major influences ....

FYI Travel - Travel Tips & Expert Advice, and some pretty neat bargains now and then.

Are Most of Your Business Cards Still in the Box? - Without a plan to distribute your cards, there's no need to print them in the first place.

Inside People: Following His Lead - Christians embrace lesson of humility Jesus taught his disciples.

Today's Lifestyle: Commercialism shrouds Christianity's holiest day - Nothing says "Let's celebrate the Resurrection" like a Spider-Man Easter basket.

Today's Health Scene - Research indicates cardiovascular disease is different for women... Is new therapy beginning of the end of Alzheimer's?... Diabetes study has surprising results... Tips to ease the misery of the common cold....

Shallow Thoughts

It matters not if you see the glass half full or half empty -- this morning it will be half frozen.

Everybody's got a cold! I heard a transmission from the Enterprise that said, "Beam me up, Snotty!"

I'm not all that concerned about America being preoccupied with sex. It is a little scary, though, to be preoccupied with watching it on TV!

I go to church. I have to. This little light of mine has rechargable batteries.

My pastor says both heaven and hell have great food. The only difference is, heaven has all the good cooks. In hell everything is burned.

Inflation? What inflation?

2008-01-30T15:48:00.000-08:00

Big News

John Edwards bowed out of the race for the Democratic presidential nomination on Wednesday. Though it's a long shot, he still might could switch parties and win.
- No Republican ever had hair that good

The Fed cut interest rates another half point Wednesday. That's a point and a quarter in the last week. At that rate, by Presidents Day, savers will have to pay banks to keep their IRAs.
- In Pennsylvania, Phil the Groundhog already sent word he can't afford to come out this year. He's had to take all his savings and bury them in his hole, and he'll shoot any reporter who comes near.
- Even groundhogs have a right to protect their savings.
- Too bad seniors can't.
- AARP would do something but they're so busy selling insurance and cruises they haven't heard about it yet.

You get the idea sometimes the Republican plan to save Social Security is to lower interest rates so much, inflation will take seniors' savings so they go without medicine or starve to death years before they collect anywhere near as much Social Security as they paid in.

Of course, everybody knows now there is no inflation. You can still eat at Dairy Queen for $5, if the two of you split a burger and only get one order of fries. And drink water.

And catch a ride there and walk home.

And only take one Walmart aspirin a day for the arthritis.

Kind of makes me want to bring back Jimmy Carter. His 16 percent interest rates paid my daughter's college tuition and bought her books. I'm not sure Mr. Bush's 3 percent would pay my granddaughter's way through second grade.

I'm not that worried about the economy. Democrats can take care of that next year, just like they always do. Just like Roosevelt and Truman did, and Kennedy and Johnson and Carter and Clinton.

Hey, aren't you glad we have a two party system?

=====================================

Love & Learn

This Week's Dream Trips - #11 -- An Aegean sojourn with Alexander the Great & Paul the Apostle #12 -- Enjoying Albuquerque without leaving the ground #13 -- Maya mysteries revealed at Copan, Honduras #14 -- Divers love the Bay Islands in Honduras, and they aren't alone

Just Plain Dumb:
Just Plain Dumb is a lot like Shallow Thoughts only not as deep.

If Hillary wins, where do they put the Presidential seal on the pants suit?
- Sounds like a good question to ask Rush Limbaugh.

I never listen to Rush Limblahblah. I can't. I only listen to radio when I'm driving and I don't want to doze off.

Our Precious Tax Cuts

2008-01-28T14:52:00.000-08:00

Big News

So now, after his final State of the Union Address, is George W. Bush a lame-duck President? After the speech it seemed maybe his strut had turned into a waddle.

Poor George. I don't think he ever wanted to be President anyway. It's just that he was born with silver boot up his butt.

The thing that bugs me about Republicans is their first priority is keeping their tax cuts.

You know, the ones Bill Clinton stuck them with to balance the budget and start paying down the national debt so our grandkids won't hate us.

I've never understood it. You are a Republican with all the money in the world and you can't stand the thought of having to give any of it away.

Some poor slob making 40-grand a year with a kid in college and another in Iraq scrapes to pay his taxes. He's proud to do his part.

I have a dream. I dream Republicans will some day volunteer to give up their tax cuts and pay an extra 10 percent so everybody can have health care, we can balance the budget, and we'll be such a happy nation nobody will want to attack us.

And the millions of Republicans who have never given one cent to charity will at least match the millions of poor folks who give 12 to 15 percent to church and charity every single year.

When my dream comes true, I guarantee all those grouchy old people (GOP) will have a big new smile and be happier than they ever deamed was possible back when they were fretting their lives away over keeping their precious tax cuts.

=======================================

The going rate for a Super Bowl end zone seat from a ticket broker is now more than 25-hundred dollars -- and climbing. Anybody who'd pay 25-hundred dollars to see a football game needs to rent Dr. Phil for a couple of days.

Love & Learn

Smart Fortwo may look like a toy, but the engineering behind it isn't kid stuff - Whole lotta jokin' goin' on, but the "Smart Fortwo" is a serious 'city' car that travels comfortably on the Interstate and is stable in evasive maneuvers. Top speed is 90 mph, cruises easily at 80. .... 33 mpg city, 41 highway. Learn more.

Just What the Doctor Ordered - Do you ever get the impression that your doctor is rushing you through his examination while you still have a few more questions?

Hardiness Zones; Check the Source - There are several maps being used in garden catalogs, and they are not based on the same data.

Private Lies - Valentine's Day doesn't just keep florists buzzing. The holiday also keeps private detectives busy trying to catch cheating spouses.

Non-Partisan Political Information - As the 2008 presidential campaign heats up many voters want to look deeper into the candidates, their supporters, and their voting records. Five non-partisan sites can be very helpful.

Shallow Thoughts

Will this country ever get national health care? I mean, we can't ALL marry Canadians!

I am not going to come right out and say I'm ready for heaven. But I AM looking forward to not flossing after ever meal.

Am I Fizzling Out?

2008-01-09T15:20:00.000-08:00

Though I always had the heart of a journalist, since 1959 I have made most of my living writing jokes. I love writing jokes.

Yes, of course, journalists have hearts!

I think the reason I love joke writing is because, growing up, I picked cotton, hauled hay, gathered corn by hand, ate dirt behind the wheel of a B-Farmall tractor, and performed all the other fun jobs at which country children excel.

I did not excel.

But I did develop a sense of humor, possibly to survive, and probably because it was such fun to come home tired and sweaty at night and listen to great radio comedians. My first favorite was Fanny Bryce as "Baby Snooks." I still can hear that silly giggle.

Red Skelton's "Junior, the Mean Little Kid" had me rolling on the bare floor of our family room under the old Waterson radio.

When you're dirty already and have only water for a Saturday night bath, rolling on the floor is okay.

I was most influenced by The Grand Ole Opry's premier comic Rod Brasfield and Tennessee Ernie Ford. The first lines I ever copied down to remember were Rod's, "His eyes bugged out like stomped on toad-frog" and Ernie's, "As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs."

That was over 60 years ago, yet today I still hear those now and then.

As a teen, I graduated to Mark Twain and Ring Lardner, both wonderfully funny writers.
In the last 40 years, alone at a keyboard, I have laughed sometimes uncontrollably at the nonsense oozing from my brain cavity. It is just so much fun to try and line up original, funny words. And it has been gratifying to know my words helped personalities at some 1,600 radio stations a month, in almost every English-speaking big city and small town on this Earth, make their listeners smile. It sure beat picking cotton.

But lately, it's not quite the fun it once was.

Lately, I feel serious words trying to ooze into the flow.

The problem, I'm afraid, is politics -- though it's probably not a serious problem.
I have written about every subject imaginable, and, when the audience is in a laughing mood, all subjects -- every single one -- needs to be approached with humor.

Particularly politics.

I consider deflating pompous politicians with humor to be a calling from God.

But for some reason, I am no longer driven to poke fun at the powerful as much as I am driven to do other things.

I blame the current presidential campaign. I have thoroughly enjoyed roasting both Republicans and Democrats when each group was in power.

I have tried always, though not always succeeded, in creating jokes and poking fun non-maliciously. This is not always easy.

But the best writers can do it.

I am tired, I think, of making fun of George W. Bush. I feel strongly the poor guy should never have been elected governor of Texas, much less President of the United States. In Texas, Bush had Lieutenant Governor Bob Bullock to keep him from falling on his face, but in Washington, he never was able to enlist such able statesmen to help.

Also, I think the current crop of presidential candidates, both Democrat and Republican, have excellent potential.

I wonder about Mike Huckabee, whose name sounds like one Mark Twain might have created.
Having been extremely close to 10 Southern Baptist pastors, and greatly admired an 11th, I can't understand why a man like Huckabee would be the least bit interested in the Presidency. Pastors are very special people, and though I know they sometimes feel led to leave that special ministry for another calling, I have difficulty understanding it.

Of course, it might be more understandable if Huckabee wanted to become a writer for Jay Leno, or some such really special calling. And Jay could really use the help right now...

Having tried for a few years now to back away from nonsense, and having failed miserably, I cannot commit completely to never writing another joke nor bit of satire. In fact, likely tomorrow I will create or regurgitate something completely dumb and stick it on my Web site.

I will try desperately to never write another joke aimed at Britney Spears or any other young person who has achieved way too much exploitation and acclaim too quickly for their own good.
And that won't be easy, but maybe it will be an improvement.

Hopefully, I am finally growing up.

Though more likely, I'm only growing old.

Frostbite Warning for Flashers!

2007-12-26T14:53:00.000-08:00

Big News

Osama bin Laden, in his annual Christmas message, urged believers to confront continuous aggression against Iraq and stand up to U.S. leaders, branding them "enemies of God." Oh, Osama, you're so hairy 'cause yo mama had a fling with Bigfoot.
- Just shut up and go stuff your Christmas goat!

You know what I'd like to see? An "Amazing Dog Fight" between Osama bin Laden and U.S. Vice-Fruitcake Dick Cheney.
- Man, Cheney would shoot Osama's beard off so fast....
- It couldn't possibly be considered torture.

I'm sorry, Mr. Huckabee, the term "Christian Republican" is just a bit too incongruous. I mean, I don't think I've even ever heard the term "Bleeding-Heart Hawk."

President Bush signed a $555 billion bill Wednesday to fund the Iraq war and keep the government running well into 2008. Wow, $555 billion! Now that is a gift card.

'Tis the season for Mideast peace talks. The problem is, everybody wants to make the other guy sleep in the stable.

The Midwest got a white, stormy, and really cold Christmas. It was so bad the U.S. Weather Service issued a Frostbite Warning for Flashers.

Love & Learn

A little knowledge goes a long way during cold and flu season - Each year these common maladies seem to cause as much confusion as they do congestion. And too often our treatment plans are based on myth and advertising hype. Check out your cold and flu IQ.

Jesus: Born to Die - Throughout the New Testament, we read about Jesus preaching the Good News, working miracles, and teaching his disciples to follow in his footsteps. He was focused only on one thing -- the path to Jerusalem, his death, and the subsequent great glory of his resurrection. He came to die. For you and me.

Film Closeup: Will Smith - In 'I Am Legend,' Will Smith is on his own and in danger in Manhattan after a virus has transformed everyone else into cannibals.

Tween 12 and 20: Cool Advice for Teens and Their Parents - Don't blame the performers and athletes... Grandmother's stirring up trouble... Don't be stupid about sex... Mom is an Internet addict... Tips must be earned... Traits of lucky people... Tired of wondering about sex...

This Week's Dream Trips - #1: The gaucho is the essence of Argentina; #2: Grand Canyon Railway is a time machine back to 1901; #3: The lure of Buenos Aires; #4: American Indian art thrives in Prescott trading post.

Shallow Thoughts

Have you noticed? During the holidays your clothes seem to get really crowded.

Texas has gun control. You can buy a gun anytime anywhere, but you have to wait five days before you can shoot anybody.

Last night in the parking lot I was confronted by a mugger. I told him I was a blogger, he gave me 20 bucks and let me go

The office Christmas party was the best ever. I just hope the boss never fins out who put his toupee in the Veg-a-matic.

Yes, 'tis the season to be jolly -- and to stick duct tape over the little glass on the bathroom scale.

Well, I got four bottles of aftershave and a Tasmanian Devil tie. And now come the tax forms and my Ed MacMahon letter. I don't know if I can stand much more joy.

The War on Recession

2007-12-17T15:16:00.000-08:00

Big News

President Bush said Monday the U.S. economy is safe and sound. And if Americans will stay the course and keep spending more than they make, we will win the war on recession.
- Which the President blames on evil Democrats who want to spend his precious tax cuts on sick children.

New Jersey has abolished the death penalty. A Fox News poll says four out of five future murderers say they will either take their planned victims to New Jersey, or if time is short, they will just murder a New Jersey resident.

A big ice storm has had the Northeast slipping and shivering. It's so cold squirrels are hijacking ducks to Cuba.

Love & Learn

Simple reminders for a safer holiday season - Every 30 minutes, nearly 50 times a day, someone in America dies in an alcohol-related crash. Hundreds of thousands more are injured each year. Three in every 10 Americans will be involved in an alcohol-related crash at some point in their lives.

Gift Ideas - Lots of ideas for last-minute Christmas shoppers.

TV Closeup - Vanna White was given her best Christmas ever -- lots of fame and big, big fortune -- in 1982. Who gave it to her? Who'd she replace?

Rules for Christmas Newsletters - In theory, newsletters are an efficient means of sending greetings while bringing relatives and friends up-to-date on significant events in your family's life. In reality, most newsletters are about as appetizing as eggnog in August.

How to Rejoice on a Bad Day - Actually, it's 2 Easy Ways to Rejoice Even on a Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.

What Will You Become - All things are becoming, coming and going in a different way. Even people are constantly reshaped, remolded and re-created.

Do They Know It's Christmas? - If this doesn't touch your heart... Well, it will.

Shallow Thoughts

Cold? Last night I saw a snowman sneezing. I told, "Sorry, the cold medicines don't work."

Cold weather brings back memories of my first girlfriend -- Olivia Frigid-John.- Olivia was like a Popsicle. Her legs were two sticks, and the rest was solid ice.

Oh, and to all the malls who won't let kids sit on Santa's lap unless they buy a photo, may the Environmental Protection Agency investigate your fountain.

Today's blog is brought to you by the exciting new maximum strength diet plan, Extra Ultra Mega Slim Faster. It's just great. Eat anything you want plus one Extra Ultra Mega Slim Faster shake, and five minutes tops, you lose everything.

If it's the hunting season, does that mean it's legal to shoot hunters?

And remember, loaded guns don't kill people, loaded hunters do.

This just in. The ACLU charged today that Santa's practice of making a list and checking it twice violates every citizen's constitutional guarantee to equal opportunity whether they're naughty or nice. Stay tuned for fewer details

Okay, I guess I'm a liberal. I think there should be a 7-day waiting period to buy a flame-thrower. It wouldn't violate anyone's inalienable right to own a flame thrower, and it gives everybody else a chance to get out of town.

Clean Up or We Unleash Tipper!

2007-12-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

Big News

Al Gore is threatening the U.S. and China to clean up the environment or face dire consequences... like unleashing Tipper to crusade for warning tattoos on the foreheads all politicians:
... G = Green
... PG = Phoney Green
... 2FP = 2-faced polluter
... OOPS = Owned by Oil Polluting Scum
... Y = Yuck!

My neighbor's dog is a Pit Bush. Every night he stays the course on my front lawn.

Love & Learn

Finer Than Wealth - When our hearts are empty, we collect "things." When our hearts are full, we tend to lose interest in most of the "stuff" of life.

Your Money; Consumer Tips - Experts discuss personal finance with an emphasis on consumer protection.

How to Lose the War Against Christmas Shopping - Never make a list. Buy strictly on impulse and charge everything so you won't have to pay for it until February. By February you could get hit by a truck. And nine other ways to seriously mess up.

Instilling values in your kids: Part 2 - A couple of weeks ago, we talked about ways to model for your your children good financial values to prepare them as financially responsible adults. These values aren't entirely about personal gain; I certainly believe that we would do well to instill in our children a sense of generosity and help them learn about our collective responsibility to help others.

Mythbusters - You've no doubt heard how Hispanic immigrants aren't assimilating, how they're defiantly refusing to learn English, and how this is so unlike previous waves of immigrants, who couldn't wait to jump into the melting pot. It's a popular belief. It's also not true.

Don't let family foibles keep you away from home on the holidays - Tom won't be the only turkey at the holiday dinner table. There's Aunt Betsy, the hypochondriac; brother Billy, who's tanked before the meal even gets started; sister Susie, as critical as ever; adult children who still whine, aging parents telling everyone what to do .... So what can you do this year to make things better?

Fashion Tips - No matter if you’re taking a trip down the catwalk or strutting the hallway in your office building, the people at Ford Models and other news sources will show you how to get that runway look.

Blithe Spirit - Watching President George W. Bush as he responded to the new National Intelligence Estimate on Iran's nuclear weapons capabilities called to mind one of the great quotes in sports history.

Christmas cookies are sweet tidings of comfort and joy - Personally, I prefer crispy cookies over soft and chewy, which is why I adore the Crispy Oatmeal Cookies, Cornmeal-Pecan Biscuits, Chocolate Swirled Shortbread, Chocolate Crackles, and Grandma's Snowballs. And if you're not drooling by now, you may need a drooler adjustment.

Kitchen and Bath Renovations - Learn from the pros how to remodel outdated kitchens and bathrooms, and how to make do-it-yourself repairs.

Shallow Thoughts

Hey, you'd be fat, too, if all you ever ate was milk and cookies and chicken fried reindeer.

Ever wonder where Santa gets the strength and stamina to visit so many homes in one night? Ever wonder if Santa's been tested for steroids?

I wasn't sure we could wait until Christmas. One of the presents under the tree was meowing. But it finally stopped.

We avoid any toy designed to improve motor development. Our kid's motor is already over-developed.

I got a Christmas catalog from a mortuary. If I die before Christmas, I get a free fruitcake.

Actually, armadillos aren't bad pets. If they just wouldn't make that awful clatter when they fall down the basement steps.

I played football. In fact, my senior year in high school I was awarded the Heisman Bench.

There was a crooked man, who walked a crooked mile; he ran a crooked race, and ended up in the Senate.

Are Democrats Better Looking?

2007-11-25T14:08:00.000-08:00

Big News

Iraq's most influential Shiite politician said Sunday the U.S had not backed up claims that Iran is fueling violence in Iraq. Well, America is certainly not fueling violence in Iraq. We flew in there five years ago .... unarmed .... to build schools, right?
- Maybe Iran doesn't want Iraqi children to have schools.
- Maybe the deciders in Iraq know about as much about what's happening there as I do.

Is it just me or are the Democratic presidential candidates better looking than the Republicans? Or maybe the Republicans are just older and whiter?
- Hey, I'm a comedy journalist. I always try to ask goofy, probing questions.

Love & Learn

Silent Plight: For some, the holidays are a time of stress and strain - Christmas carols trumpet across crowded malls. Tiny lights twinkle from rooftops and trees. Homes fill with laughter and frivolity. And all you want to do is burrow into the sofa with the TV remote and a bag of Oreos. Well, may we offer some ways to banish the blues from the season?

Lou Dobbs sees himself as fighting the good fight against the elite - "Most Americans live at the center," Dobbs says, "and they think and they feel at the center of society. Independents ... are focused on what is good for the country, on what is good for America."

Holiday Travel Tips - Holiday traveling takes special planning, especially by air and with children. Here are some important ideas to make planning quick and easy.

Celebrities News - To gossip or not to gossip? You decide.

Fire Ants Beware! - Normally, I am not in favor of most home recipes that try to substitute for legal pesticides. However, today I am looking for volunteers to try a new possible solution to fire ants and maybe even other insect pests. It's incredibly simple.

Holiday History Quiz - What a month for God. Hanukkah begins Dec. 4, Christmas arrives Dec. 25, Kwanzaa starts the next day, Hajj gets under way Dec. 18, with Eid al-Adha on Dec. 20.

Shallow Thoughts

Our basketall league is tough. We had a referee but he quit. He said our games look like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre in baggy shorts.

I'm thankful football players don't chew tobacco. It could get awfully juicey at the bottom of that pile.

My dog is so mean... just imagine Osama bin Laden with four legs.
I've screwed up so much around here, people will think I'm in charge.

Okay, now, as soon as everyone balances upside-down verrrry carefully on top of your computer, we'll get on with the sanity test.