Nomad JuanCa's Report

Aha!!!!

2009-11-10T23:17:00.001-08:00

Aha!! after several days of testing the upload pic option plus a long fight toward darkness (since we are having programmed electricity cuts over here....) I can finally say....

I'M BACK. :)))))) ... be ready ;)

la ultima prueba

2009-11-10T23:15:00.001-08:00

ok ok ok... finally i hope

otra prueba

2009-11-10T22:55:00.001-08:00

otra prueba

finally ready

2009-11-10T22:37:00.001-08:00

Parece que al fin funciona... it seems it finally worked out!!!

deja ver si funciona

2009-11-10T22:25:00.001-08:00

Este es una prueba.

try try try

2009-11-07T19:17:00.001-08:00

They say the last you must lose is hope... lets try again

another test

2009-11-07T18:59:00.001-08:00

Ok lets see if this finally works out.....

Back online

2009-11-07T18:26:00.001-08:00

I'm doing several test just to see if i can re stablish the connection with nomadlife after long time offline here.... these are testing post, soon... the story will begin... again!

a test

2009-10-29T21:15:00.001-07:00

ok, i am trying to see if i can post here again, lets see...

Changes

2008-06-18T22:51:00.000-07:00

Hi, not sure if i ever named a post like this before... for some reason i think i did. Anyways, today was not the brightest day of my life.

There have been several things going on in my life... specially in my personal side. Well... if you let me vent... i am tired of feeling alone and isolated. Months ago... i was feeling like that cause i slowly decided thats how i wanted things to be... but it is not the case right now, i mean i want to go out and meet people... want to have personal relationships with others... and yes... that includes sex, but it is difficult.

It is difficult cause i can't trust people around me and tell them i am hiv+. And if i do... they automatically get afraid. Like if i were a phantom... or like if i were Satan's son. And it is funny... as soon as i tell anyone i am poz, they completely lost their sexual interest in me. And you know what... I AM SICK OF IT.

Although things are not solved so easy, slowly i have simply accepted i chose the wrong place in the world to be diagnosed hiv+. There is none to talk over here.... none to ever consider for a relationship, people keep on showing interest on me... but if i ever tell them my status... they simply disappear. So i decided to stop telling... which will be easy for many of you, and you may think with that everything is solved... but no, how can you ever start a relationship with someone who does not know your health condition? what if the person discover it later on?. What to do with all the people who keep on asking me to have unprotected sex with them (without knowing my status)? How to make them understand i DON'T WANT TO? how to force them to accept it?.

It is a hard situation, specially when personal security is on risk. In Latin America if someone discovers you are hiv positive... they can talk bullshit about you, other will talk bullshit about you and if they suspect you ever did something they consider risky for them.... your life could be in risk.. or if not your life at least your personal security. I have heard so many times since diagnosed "hey... be careful of that person... i heard she/he is poz". I hate this type of gossips.

So i am like in the middle of nowhere... i can't relate to hiv- people cause they won't understand me... and i can't relate with hiv+ people... because i don't know where to find them... and second cause even if i find them... they won't understand me either. I have said before the usual profile of hiv+ people in latin america es quite basic, i have tried to talk to some of them couple of times... and no... i feel they don't understand what i say.

And more than that... there are these troubles with costumes... there are costumes we all have.. that somehow placed me here. There was a sort of lack of control in some areas of my life... and off course, sexual one was into that list. Once diagnosed... you ... better say everybody, expect you somehow fix it... change from being anormal person to a saint.... because if you do something wrong the first thing the say is "you see... he is a promiscuous.. that's why he's got hiv". Although if someone else does have lot of sex, but is not hiv+ they will simply call this person "open minded". Well.. today i had another proof that changing behaviours is hard thing to do... something not easy to achieve... and found myself repeating some mistakes from past... and feeling so stupid... and so guilty for so many things in my life.

Couple of weeks ago, a part of the Bible came to my mind... there is this part in new testament, when Jesus heals others or pardon others... when he finishes, he several times said "go and don't sin again" (Vet y no peques más). I just though this expression would simply a non connected piece of info or memory coming to my mind... but it is not that way, today... after everything happened... i learnt how hard is not fall again, and how hard is not to repeat the usual mistakes we do. Then the phrase came to my mind again.... and understood that Jesus knew how hard could it be... and how important too.... so he pardoned everybody... but remarked... "be careful and don't do it again". Yet, he knew it was hard thing to do... it is not something you can accomplish all at once, but something that takes not only a decision.. but a serious deep change in life and that is never easy.

I am starting to get tired of feeling guilty for my mistakes when none else feels that way for theirs... i feel stupid for risky my life in some situations when others are risking it even more without any contemplation. Still with it i will try to follow the advice... "go and don't sin again"

Can you tell?

2008-05-02T21:44:00.001-07:00

This is a game to test you and TEACH you that you cannot tell who is Hiv+ or not just by looking at people's face. This try to break a bit of stigma that some people have towards others... and make us realise anyone can be or become Hiv+ if we don't play safe.... even you.

Hope you like it.

JuanCa

You can find more info at www.posornot.com check it out and promote the game please, you will be helping lot of people not to be stigmatized!

Inner peace with Juan

2008-03-30T11:39:00.001-07:00

Haven't wrote in several months.... and have been through a lot during all these months...

All the good and all the bad things.... moved to a two different jobs... resigned twice from them... have been unemployed twice... have been ill... have been healthy... have been extremely sad and with the worst depression in my life... enough to even think of suicide (who hasn't done it at least once... come on, don't put that face). I have been through a long spiritual research and have found some light at the end of the tunnel.

Just wanted to write to say hi to everybody :) to say i am fine, alive and kicking. And to say that i finally found some inner peace with Juan, inner peace with myself. I know peace is fragile and does not last forever... so i am simply trying to enjoy this moment the most i can.

Today i woke up and said: "its a wonderful world" :) poka.

Still going on...

2007-10-12T13:14:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody, i am back online. I have actually been online lately but i haven't have the chance to post in both my English and Spanish blog... internet connection is still a challenge here, plus there have been lot of things going on.

I am doing better as long as my health goes... though i am under lot of pressure at work, i think they are trying to fire me and another co worker. Why? Many people from this store have resigned their contracts due to the low payments this company give and they have started to work with another competitor. Now the owner of the company thinks a co worker and me are somehow forwarding clients to the competitor. So right now this is like an spy movie... where i am in the middle. Yes, we are trying to do some sales with the competitor... cause he pays higher comissions and this company where i work right now pay NO comissions at all. Isn't it too difficult to decide, though we are not forwarding clients anywhere. If a client comes here and wants to buy... we do close the contract, though we know we are not going to receive any benefit from it.

I have never been so good in diplomatic stuff, i was more straigth forward type of guy. I have actually been looking for another job but nothing has happened, the problem is that the closest we are to christmas, the most difficult to find a new job is. So i am somehow like a double agent... better say a triple agent. I am in favour of my store (despite they do no good for us... just make our life more and more difficult), I try to do some sales with the other distributor (otherwise i would have not had money to eat this week), and i am also trying to do some work to fight aids :). What a life huh?.

I am making time, by January 2008 i will quit this job. I just hope i won't have troubles to find a new one. I can't stand my boss... he is just a pain in the ass. Complain for every little stupid thing that happens around. I have been so near to scream at him... i actually did it once... but somehow recovered my calm. How i wish life would be easier.... specially the survival part... but i guess it is not called survival for nothing.

I have been very tired these days... and stressed.... lot of psychological pressure, needing to watch my back and trying to play this game without getting burned.... when i would just want to live my life... i just would like to survive. ... never know i would have to play pscychological games to get some money to buy food.... amazing.... and tiring.

I hope things get better next year... if that is possible, ok ok... gotta be optimistic, it will improve.

The current situation at job is making me really really really desire the end of this year to come soon.... i am getting frankly desperated about it, FRANKLY DESPERATED, no exageration. Another reason why i want this year to end is because this has certainly be the worst year in my life so far. I fear things could get worst in future... i mean... i got diagnosed Poz, i am living in misery, i have troubles at work and not being well-paid, not to mention my debts.... yes, you will agree with me i have thousand good reasons why to wish this year to finish.

The sad part of this all is that even when this year finish... there are some things that will never feel the same. It is like if a truck would have passed over my life... and after it i am miraculously alive.... but not as healthy as before. I could survive but at the end i am paying a price for keep on living.

Well... they say good things are usually expensive, and i have been through a lot to stay here.... hope it worth the price i have and will pay. Gotta make it worth it.

Take care guys, i am at work and feel a bit tired of looking at the computer. By the way... a good thing, i could post a list of some of my favourite songs on the nagivation menu :) hope you like them.

Feeling better again

2007-09-27T16:27:00.000-07:00

Hi people, long time without writing huh?. Lot of things have been going on in my life lately... specially regarding my health. Last time i wrote to you i told you i was feeling sick.... well... it lasted more than i would have expected.

I had to go through lot of things, from going to ER (Emergency Room) at Social Security Hospital... getting exams done, being referred to a gatroenterologist... more labs done and even having to see how the laboratory from Social Security Hospital mistaken my exams... delivering me a rheumatism test instead of a Widall reaction.... and then meeting the gastroenterologist for hearing he thinks that me having diarrhoea and vomiting and shitting color green was not urgent stuff and wanting me to wait until October 11th to meet me. Like if my health could wait so long.

Well... whatever, luckily things are better now, they finally found i have amoebas (Histolytic and Coli). It does not seem to be a big thing, just for the fact that amoeba histolytic does kill over 100.000 people around the world yearly. Although off course, that is in places where people cannot get proper health care.... like here?. Oh well... at least i met my ID Dr and she already gave me prescription for a 10 days treatment to get rid of them. I am optimistic about this.

Plus i was once more advised i have to be carefull with my food, so since now and on... no more eating outside (or at least not as much as before) and well i guess i sort of learnt the lesson. I mean it is going to be hard not to eat outside since i live alone and i have no fridge and no electricity at home soooooo... we'll see.

Apart from that little but scary health problem i guess my life have been ok, lately i have made a big amount of latin poz friends over internet, which has been great and at the same time frustrating. Everybody says it is great i can deal with this so well and that i am very openned about this and that i can face and try to change the way society here looks at poz patients... but none is interested in doing the same. Which is actually frustrating. I am a bit tired of talking to some people who are poz but avoid to talk about the issue, avoid meeting others who are not poz and even... avoid meeting other poz patients. I guess i went trhough same isolating process... but i just don't want to go back there. I want to live free... free of fear and free of stigma. I want to live.

I am trying to meet like minded people in here... but i haven't met any. Isn't it amazing?. So when i was hidden i felt myself isolated and now that i am out into the light about my health status... i feel myself isolated too. What the fuck!.

Lately i have decided to slow a bit my activism activities and focus more on myself, this issue with my health that i had to face alone (just with the help of my family) made me reflect that i have to think about future. I hadn't done much for my future and i have to if i want to ensure i will not face problems later on. It called the attention of my boss when i was sick this week, i hope he is not suspecting though he was asking what Drs said after every appointment i had.

I have came out with some ideas, i had started to create a website where i want to start doing some sales a bit apart from what i do in my job, i had some announcements in mercadolibre.com.ec (similar to ebay) but now they are charging some comission... so it is increasing the price of the items i used to sell that way. With this website i am hoping to start making money my way and slowly finding some stable income until i finally can ensure myself some stability without depending on somoene else.

I had also applied for another position inside the company's headquarters, i would say i fit the profile... but perhaps they disagree with me... i'll see. They haven't told me anything after i delivered my application. Lets see. Today i came to the Mall del Sol with my laptop (it finally works out again... i am so amazed it is still alive... perhaps the laptop is a fighter just like me LOL).

About my debts i am up-to-date with the banks i had signed payment agreements and it seems i got to keep and "save" my visa credit card and my current bank account, although i am still having problems with 3 other places where i haven't paid anything.... nor signed any agreement, i am still missing 50 usd of this laptop and i was told that someone from this company went yesterday to "visit me" at work. There were some periods without stress lately but i guess it is coming back. I wish i could solve it all. Pity i can't pay all that shit at this time, with the current amount i am paying i have only 30 usd for myself monthly. Don't even ask me how i can survive... God is just too good with me.

Anyways, i am sort of fine right now... just feel i bit weak, don't know why... perhaps the effect of the metronidazol i am taking for the amoebas. I had eaten already but feel my stomache emtpy, and few desires of vomitting. Well, lets see what is going on in the next days, i will try to keep you posted on how the things go. I am so waiting for this year to finish.... it has not been anything good for me.... i am a bit scared next one could be even harder... but i hope not, come on... how bad can it be? hasn't it been enough already?. I expect 2008 will be a lot better. I am just counting the days for this year to finish. I won't need to wait much.

Sick

2007-09-17T07:39:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling sick since yesterday... i have vomited, and got fever, headache, weakness... got a bit of diarrhea but not much.

I am taking meds and hope to recover soon... today i feel a bit better but i can feel, really... i can feel my stomach so so so weak. I am a bit scared of what to eat... like if i eat something wrong i will get worst... i don't like to be ill.

I was also afraid cause i have heard so many stories of people dying 6 months after diagnosis... i am already a 6 month old diagnosed person. I know there is no reason for me to die at this time, i mean based on my health... but.. well... the fear is still there. By october i will be 7 months diagnosed and perhaps i will feel i have overcame the fear.

Keep your fingers crossed so i can recover fast. gotta go. cheers.

Juan Carlos in Hollywood style

2007-09-09T07:06:00.001-07:00

My friend Fatih from Turkey did this for me, isn't it cool?? He is a great guy

ThinkHIV.com

2007-09-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

Today i found a link from forums to a video channel in myspace.com about Hiv. There are several stories from people where they speak about their points of views of what Aids epidemy means for our generation.

There is something written at the beggining of every video that called my attention "Our generation has never known a word without Aids". It got me shocked... cause you know... it is truth. Since the appearance of the virus and the beginning of the epidemy (25 years ago) our world has changed enormously... and people still don't realise it. There nowadays people eager to avoid this topic like if it was non existent... we have lost contact with reality... but reality has not stopped contacting us... we have just been unable to see what's going on around us... and thats a big pity.

I saw some stories today, about people trying to make a difference... and i am so glad about them. I haven't met any of those here in Ecuador. I have only met people who are ashamed for who they are... and live hidden, not able to feel proud of themselves and been straight forward talking about a disease that is NO LONGER STRANGE in the world... open your eyes. HIV/AIDS is no longer something new... it is a fact, it is part of real life... it is there. Same like Cancer and Diabetes... and it is hitting us strongly, specially to all those who don't want to see.

thinkHIV: This is Elizabeth

Añadir a mi perfil Más Videos

There are so many stories people are not aware of... that it is amazing yet to me that people are unable to realise this is really happening... this is not a horror movie... it is real life.

While surfing internet today i found this...

Ecuador Reports 6,000 AIDS Cases
On Wednesday in Quito, Ecuador, health ninister Teofilo Lama said 6,000 AIDS cases have been reported in the country. The most likely cases are no longer gay men, but rather women and children, according to Lama. Ecuador recorded its first HIV infection 20 years ago.[This summary provided by the CDC National Center for HIV, STD, and TB Prevention Xinhau News Agency December 2, 2004] HIVPlusMagazine

So that means first Hiv case was diagnosed in here on 1984, in twenty years we reached 6.000 cases (diagnosed... but that is actually not a real number since there is an estimated prevalence of Hiv infection much ... much... much higher). I still can't understand why people are unable to see things as they are.

These past two weeks have been exhausting, have had nightmares, frustrations, personal problems, money problems, pain in my eye, fury attacks.... have had lot of things. I am a bit of emotionally exhausted. I have been trying to be emotional support for several of my friends... poz and non poz. I think i need a rest. I actually took one and took some measures not to be absorved by other's problems... I have decided i will limit my listening time to other problems, there have been some days when i have been very very very tired and down... and two friends have called me to talk to them... when talking to them actually means listening to them... which i am glad to do... i have always done that for my friends... but doing it when you are down...and emotionally exhausted... is not good nor funny.

I have decided i will be there for my friends... but i won't let them use me as a base for their strenght. I mean i will listen and i will advise.. but if they don't do something, anything... even if it is not my advise.. if they don't do anything to improve their situation... i won't listen to them about same issue anymore. Cause it is useles and it is just too demanding for me. Since writing online... everybody think i am strong enough to carry on with the world's problems... come on... i hardly carry my own ones... i can't carry everybody's problems too.

I have started with it.

I was giving some advise to a man from Chile who thinks he is infected... he took the tests.. but is so scared that he has been unable to pick up the results. I have been trying to help him online for 2 days... but next day he always come with "i am feeling this" "what if" "what if" "what if" until the day i told him. "I am not going to listen to you anymore until you get your test results... meanwhile... we won't speak about this thing anymore, i have already told you all i know... if you don't want to accept it.. it's up to you i can't do more". It might sound too hard.. but people need to learn to stand up and fight for their lives... that's what we do... and that's how we survive.

Ok Saturday 10pm and i am about to leave job, (finally...) I am very hungry... yummy yummy... gotta go eating something, i am doing fine... my health is ok so far... a bit sleepy days... my work sucks... but i am trying to change it...i am a bit updated with my debts...(with those i am paying... there are others i haven't yet started to pay).... perhaps my mother might start to suffer from heart disease... it is not confirmed yet... she is having some small complications... but so far she is making it right and really looking after herself, i love her... i don't want to loose her.

Life is ok, today is a good day to remain alive. My heart can still feel love for myself, for others and for what i am doing... so i am still really... really... really alive. Thanks God for it. Take care guys!

ehhh

2007-09-05T07:32:00.000-07:00

Ehh... my dermatologist appointment was not set for today... but tomorrow...

where is my mind?

anyways, lets enjoy this free day.

Cheers,

Keep on going on

2007-09-04T21:57:00.001-07:00

Tonight is not such a nice night, i have been fighting with myself to get far from a person i really loved... and who perhaps infected me with Hiv. It has not been easy, i managed to be far from her for a month... just virtually talking but today i failed. We had sex again. It is something none would understand... when you love someone... this kind of things happen... and i hate when they happen, cause ... it brings more sadness at the end that any pleasure.

Because there is no love from her side.

So what the hell i am doing loving someone who does not love me? i don't know.

I wish i could follow my own advise sometimes...

Tomorrow i will meet my dermatologist in the morning, and request a meeting with an occulist at Social Security Hospital, last week i had pain in my left eye for couple of days, i want to get it checked to ensure it is not glaucoma. Looks like the virus keeps on working. Today morning i had diarrhoea... and i got afraid.. i mean... i have been without it for about 2 or 3 months, i was feeling proud of it. The rest of the day my stomache got stronger, i think it could be something i ate for breakfast (like the pork meat i ate downtown ;))

I don't feel confortable tonight... i feel like a bit empty... like if i had lost someone i loved ... like if ... my life would not be the same without her.... damn i miss her. Though it is better to be away... it is so fucking hard to do the right things sometimes.

Prejudice test in Video

2007-08-29T10:52:00.000-07:00

This is something we should change.... and the reason why this blog is here.

Thank you to my friend Luis from Mexico for sending me the link.

Shut down

2007-08-26T17:19:00.000-07:00

I have been quite sleepy today, in fact i slept from 5 to 7pm today at work. A total shut down...

I suspect my co worker knows what's going on.... but he does not say anything. While i was chatting with some friends today, i think he was looking at what i was writing. what a bad costume... by other hand i think he must be wondering why i am so tired all the time and always sleepy.

Perhaps he is not sure yet, or perhaps he knows but won't ask me about it. I'll be more careful.

I allowed him to go 2h before the end of the working schedule yesterday night and he brought me some food for lunch today. Nice deal... i was hungry. Today as i feel extremely tired i will request him to let me go early tonight. Mom is coming to my house to leave me some food and some money. I just want to sleep a lot. I feel i could sleep for the rest of my life.... that sounded funny :))))) .... better save my black jokes for myself hehehehe.

The fact that bothers me the most out of all this, is that i lost a good sale... because of been slept. This weekend he has done good sales and i have done not even one.

Well... i hope this week becomes better one than this weekend. Have good night.

Hi there

2007-08-26T08:36:00.000-07:00

Hi there everybody!. I am back to blogging after a sort of exahusting week.

Well...

You know.. this week has been a bit different and good in some ways, don't ask me why i haven't been writing in here.... i just didn't feel like doing it. Don't know why... perhaps because of the fact i am a bit tired of writing about Hiv. I mean off course i will live with it for the rest of my life, but well.... got a bit tired of thinking about it everyday... so this week i started to live more and write less. Not that i didn't think about the virus, i did... but i preferred talking to others instead of just talking to myself.

I spent the week working, my company had an exposition at Tennis Club (very fancy place!!) on Samborondon way, such a nice place... but so near the end of the world!!! (meaning it was so far away) Well it was nice, i learnt a lot from tennis players and things i want to apply in my life. By other hand, it was exhausting... long trips to get there.... long trips to come back.... few food (the company just gave me a sandwich, a coke and two bottle of water... you cannot buy anything in the Tennis Club, it is just too expensive... plus... come on... you know i cannot afford it). I visited my sister and stayed overnight one day...

Actually not much to say from this week, i feel a bit tired right now... like if working with a low battery... troubles keep on hunting me. I received a visit from a money collector yesterday at my work, from the company where i bought my laptop that i still don't finish to pay. I am just a bit tired of this, and of all... would like to keep on sleeping forever. Not feeling down right now... near of it, but not down... i am just tired... and perhaps stressed a bit.

ON the good side of the week, i made new friends online, a person from Columbia and another one from El Salvador, great people!! We have been chatting online, they are both newly diagnosed and contacted me through my spanish blog, it is cool to make new friends, they are funny people.... were very scared at the begining of their diagnosis, but now they are much more confident about future... perhaps a bit of what i write here and there... does help someone. That's good, at least i know this is not happening to me in vain.

I am at work right now on sunday.... it is sort of boring day....but well... it is just matter of staying alive and standing this longer... as long as i can.

Sorry if i don't have much to say these days... just feeling tired a bit. Have a wonderful week.

Back home!!

2007-08-21T23:47:00.001-07:00

hey there!!! Long time no writing huh?. I have been without connection trying to safe some money and not keep on over spending. Anyways there are lot of things i would like to tell you.... time for venting i guess.

Ok,... so... where do i begin?. My laptop was fixed and i borrowed it to Javico. Still if we are not so close as before the truth is that i trust that guy... so i had no problem in lending it to him. He just had his exams... his viral load is undetectable yet (which is the best possible condition once you are diagnosed Aids). He didn't know his CD4 result but i am sure he is going to do fine... he is just freaking out too much about it. I understand this whole thing pulls his nerves and i wish i could help him more...it was the same for me... you all know it, i told him "Javico.. don't worry too much, let things flow... let it go...." but i am not sure if he understood me.

Yesterday i went with my mother to her training about Hiv. Not sure if i told you, she just finished first level of a training about Hiv and living with it, organised by meds without borders. She will receive a diploma like Health Promoter. She asked me to go with her since i was free and i accepted... it was nice but not all i expected.

I arrived there and well... they had to start the session about Hiv while there were employees taking a computer course around us. Before they started i took a computer and i was checking my email when someone asked me if i would take long because he was using the pc, i turned around... and it was a neighbour. Shit... such small world. Off course, he knew my mother and me were attending a Hiv training, hope he is not gossipping... even though knowing the people in this neighbourhood... by this moment everybody knows and they might be wondering what was i doing there??? "perhaps he is infected..." they would say. losers, i could have been there only to learn... but no... if i go to a Hiv training then "he may have hiv". I hate this paranoid way of thinking.

I got shocked.. to this training there are only women attending... i was the only man. 90% of them are over 40 years old and one or two are in their 30's. None knows if any of them is infected or relative of an infected one... they don't even know the trainer is a Poz person... they don't disclose. How are they expecting others to accept us if they are the first ones ashamed of their condition????. Got a bit angry.... By other hand, the trainer did some good in not disclosing.. he is gay and a bit feminine. I mean i am ok with gay people, what i would not like is that students would think "ah he is gay... for sure he has it" or "he has aids because he is gay... that's why!!". Although this could have been explained to them to eliminate the wrong idea from their mind... He should have disclosed.

The training was about "sensibilisation". It was a sensibility training.. one of those i have delivered but i have never received. That's nice. Why none trains me???? Ok i know i am not part of any foundation.. but shouldn't it be something like that for newbies??? at least in my Hospital??? there is an organisation at my hospital called "spring"... referring to a Christian bliblical term (don't know why they have to use biblical references to this kind of groups.... i mean i am Christian and i love Jesus as it is clear for all of you... but being part of a group with such a name... makes me feel closer to heaven when i what i want is to remain on earth!!!).

Well.. the sensibilisation started ok. He did an activity where we wrote down the names of people we loved and then he took one of those and asked us "what do you feel now that this person is infected?" In my case he took the name of my sister. That was painful. I cannot imagine it... i mean... the pain i would suffer if someone else from my family would get infected. I mean I will be there for them since i know how it feels.. but just the simply idea that someone else's in my family or in my group of friends gets infected... makes me feel so bad and useless. I though "mmm perhaps this training will be good". And then it all started to go wrong...

I don't remember clearly why but we reached the point where someone asked the trainer why hiv + people feel the need of infecting others??? I though "OMG!! and i started to feel the blood coming over to my head... a bit of anger..." I though he would reply appropriately and instead of he said "Hiv+ keep on infecting others deliberately because we all human being have a bit of evil inside". And i though "WHATTTTT??? WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SAYING FUCKING DONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!". I hadn't disclose... being that none had done it... and that my mother might feel bad if i did... i didnt do it... and ok, i got afraid. You see... i have disclosed several times.. but when one of us is ashamed/afraid to do it in front of others... it makes us feel ashamed and afraid too... thats not a good example. Whatever, i assumed this donkey (sorry... trainer) had mistaken his words.. so i asked him in order to give him a chance to fix up his disaster "ok but you say poz people do infect others deliberately... i wonder how often is that happening... because it is not true that all of them do it... i know some friends who are poz and they worry about not infecting others" - I asked.

He replied "That's right, not all of Hiv+ go around infecting others deliberately... but lets say... from every 10 patients 2 of them usually do it. Two of them goes around infecting others deliberately".

WHHHHATTT SHIIIITTTT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY???????????????????????????? - I though. He is a donkey... ok, i feel he is a bastard. He cannot go around and say such a crap about us... come on looser you are poz too!!!!!!!!! (i know he was poz cause Myriam from network of poz women had talked to me about this guy before but i hadn't meet him). Off course, people got afraid... and terrified and scared... and i was pissed off!!!!!. The beat didn't realise he was building more stigma around us ... and was not being any help. He changed topic.

The training is a bit frustrating... most of the people are not well educated... some of them were not even sure of what was the topic of the session of yesterday. Some of them couldn't even pronounce "confidentiality" and kept on saying "confidenciability". I felt frustrated. But the shit continued.

Someone asked him about life expectancy of Hiv patients. I rosed my hand saying i wanted to answer that cause i had read a report saying that our life expectancy has increased reaching now 39 years for non co-infected patients and 33 for co-infected ones. As soon as i finished he told me in front of everybody... Well, you might have read that somewhere.. but the truth is that "there is no life expectancy when you speak about hiv".

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT???????????????????????????????????

I am not exaggerating... i was that angry. How come the beast, donkey, asshole, bastard can say such stupid things in front of others... hello looser you have to deliver FAITH, HOPE, BREAK THE STIGMA, FACILITALE ACCEPTANCE of poz patients. No increase the fear, sadness and stigma around us. He is a bastard. I complained and i told him that was not possible, i had this research made in OXFORD!!!. And he eliminate the credibility of everything i said by saying "i have 14 years working on hiv and we have checked up lot of researches... none of them makes sense". STUPID!!. Now you understand how it feels to live in a country like this one... where stupidity has a high voice and is accepted by others without complains. Still with it, i told him... "I DISAGREE WITH YOU". He said, "you can disagree and we can keep on discussing this at the end of the session but i won't accept your point anyways... really... you know people can die tomorrow of a car truck, or any other accident... none has life for sure". And i understood that there is a gap... between the brain of this guy, his heart and his mouth. He might have a good idea but he does not phrase it well... and his feels no guilty for the stupid things he is saying and the damage he is infringing on us. Off course i know we all can die tomorrow... but thats why it is called life EXPECTANCY it refers to the possibilities of living longer of people, in average... not as a rule. I was so disappointed, sad, angry, frustrated... he knew it. He saw my face and you all know my face is quite evident. By this time he knew i was Hiv poz, no normal person on earth knows so much about Hiv like we patients do.

Well... the rest of the training was a bit better... he said some smart things and some scientific facts about other stuff... but the damage was done... now 13 more people thing we go around infecting others and that we are about to die soon. Sometimes i hate this world. Ok, perhaps not this world but the lack of conscience and intelligence of some people not measuring the damage their words can make to others. At the end of the session i asked him his email and told him i would send him some info... the research about the life expectancy and also wrote to him telling him i was poz and i wanted to talk to him to give him some feedback about his sessions. I guess i have to talk to him about being more careful with his words.... hopes he understands it.

My brother in law flew to Canada yesterday night for a month to finish his master degree.

Today i went to help to the network of positive women and to be sincere... i wasn't that happy. I feel a bit used. Why? because they are using me... Perhaps it is not bad but you know... for you all Aiesecers, you all know that when you are going to deliver a training we all do our own ppts... not with them... they don't know how to handle a computer, not to mention about ppts... one of them asked me to help her with her ppt presentation about the profile of a counsellor and when i said to her, ok lets do it.. she said "yeah but you know.. i have to go somewhere else to do something, could you do it for me?? thank you". I did it... although i didn't feel comfortable with it. I also had to add special effects to another presentation one of the leaders had already done... and... i had to serve them as a quick translator of some of their English emails. Which was a bit embarrassing because i realised i cannot translate easily. Isn't it silly? I can write all this in English but i cannot read it on real time in Spanish. My mind is divided.. part of it speak English and port of it speak Spanish... my bran cannot speak both at the same time and cannot see English characters and read them loud in Spanish. I am an English speaker... not a translator. Well.... this last part will only be understood by those speaking more than one language or having lived in multicultural environments. I tried to deliver all my help but i just don't like to do others work... i mean they should do it by themselves. i went there to help with extra things not with doing all the work they don't do. At the end i also understood they are not good in computers.. ok ok ok. They asked me to prepare a training for them where i could later on show them how to use computer. i will do that very soon.

Good news... as some of you may already know... MY TEAM FROM RUSSIA WROTE TO MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh God!!!!!! that made me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. We are all in contact again, we are missing just one Dasha, Tanya, Masha and Sergej's emails but all of others are already in contact, they sent me this pics. Go Check them!!!!

First pic is Mitya and Stella. Second pic was my dearest boss... Masha, which words have inspired me for many many years. Third pic is Olya and Dasha (left) and Mitya and Stella (right).

They all mean a lot for me, talking to them makes me feel like back home... back to mother Russia, i am glad they found me again. We are in touch and i hope we won't lose the contact anymore. Monika from India (but currently living in London) also wrote to us back. It is great to be together with them. I just wrote to them with a brief update about my life and.... disclosed my status to them. I trust them... and i made sure in telling them, they should not fear about my health... i am ok. Those guys mean a lot to me.

Well tomorrow i will be the whole day in an exposition way out of the city in a very very exclusive neighbourhood... for some reason i am not much happy. The previous person from my company who was there ended up quite angry.... God knows why.... well... lets see.. hope it all works out fine for me. You see... there was lot to tell. Now it is time to go sleeping have a good night all.

Time to update

2007-08-17T23:51:00.001-07:00

Hi there guys, how you doing? i think it was time to post an update for you about how my life is going.

I have been out of blogsphere because i wanted to have a time out, have been questioning myself lately why should i keep on writing about my life with Hiv. I mean, for me it is important to let others see and know... and even understand the way we Hiv+ see life. Even though, after 5 months diagnosed with this disease i would say my life has got a bit back to normal. Perhaps i have some things more clear now... like the need of keeping a good health, the conscience we will die some day...and that it won't happen soon... the difference with others is perhaps the fact we Hiv+ have accepted the final destiny of all human being as something real and closer than it is for most of the people around us. Together with he acceptance comes the chance to handle the fear and overcome it. Lately i have met some astonishing people. I posted about them in my Spanish Hiv Blog, i think you can read it translated to English by clicking in here. The translation is not perfect but i think it might be understandable.

The last post i wrote there took me long to be written.. and it took lot of my emotional energy as i was crying while writing... the kind of stories that are so shocking for you.. that you will only reproduce them once.

Well.. i have some good and some not good news for you. The good ones are... MY CREDIT CARDS ARE NOT CANCELLED!!! I mean the ones from Guayaquil Bank, somehow i could save them :) i am right now almost up-to-date with them i owe them 3usd that i cannot pay right now cause i already spent my whole salary paying stuff. It is ok, don't worry... something will happen. I am very optimistic right now, today morning i was worried and stressed about how to manage to survive until the end of the month... but right now i have the feeling that something will happen. Somehow... some way... The bad news is that i will have to pay a HUGE phone bill next month. And when i say Huge i am not exaggerating. Ok it was my mistake, i have been thinking and found a chance to solve it. Next month according to law we must receive some bonus so with that i will manage to fix it all... but really i will stop connecting to internet from home as it has proved that my addiction to internet could ruin me (...more?). LOL!!! Sorry some black humor sense :)))))

When things do get solved the first thing i will ensure is my internet access... but i will also try to reduce my surfing hours... addictions are not good things.

My health is doing great, haven't started diet... or better say... i started diet today, not because i wanted but due to financial constrains i have. Although you see... that's why they say "the end justify the means" :))). I am somehow eating light right now, and starting to take breakfast as my nutritionist advised me to do it. Not much money (not money at all) for fast food so that will help me to reduce the triglycerides and cholesterol. I even might lose some weight... which is what i want to. I am overweighted.

At work things are sort of fine, we are negotiating and hoping they pay us part of the sales of last month, because we did good sales despite we didn't reach the goal. We'll see. I am still looking for other options, even though i am so used to this job that it is hard to move on... i mean i know i should, but it feels so convenient... and off course it might be convenient but that won't help me to pay my debts. I am ok, i am calmed, relaxed and as usual... i am late for bed 1.50am. Tomorrow work in the afternoon but i have to wake up 10am to deliver back this internet device to the store and then get my haircut. So leave you by now. Have a great weekend.

News

2007-08-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

Hi everybody, hey i have some news to tell you...

As you know yesterday i had my appointment with my ID Dr, to receive some results of my last tests and well.. get to know about my CD4 results and the results of my HCV test.

I woke up at 4am, could just sleep 3 hours... i managed to be at Hospital at 5.30am and i was the second person to be attended, as my Dr arrives 10am... i had to wait a lot. Well... right now i am downtown so i don't have much time to write and tell you all... i would just say that this hospital is very bureaucratic. Well... to tell you how it was... i got weighted.. my past meassured said i weighted 80kg about two months ago. Yesterday i weighted 79.5kg which means i am stable in my weight as usual ;). To measure weight is important in poz people cause it is a way to monitore your body is not wasting due to the disease or side effect of meds (this last one would not apply to me since i am not in meds).

At first they didn't find my tests results which got me really anxious and nervous... i mean... i have waited long for that shit.... i can't wait more. :( Well at the end while meeting my Dr the guy who helps her told us there is a way to check up my results on internet, how... amazing such things are capable over here.... well first i told him my Id number and he didn't find anything on internet... but then we realised he had misstyped... so entering my correct details he found out some of my tests... I was told my new CD4 .... is.....

659!!!

Isn't it great??? those are great news. and guess what... my time in the cyber is about to finish so i can't keep on wrting right now, i just wanted to tell you all i am quite happy .. AND HEALTHY!!!!! :) hope things are going great for you too guys!!!.

cya