Grant Miller Media.

Jobs at Grant Miller Media.

2009-07-15T14:15:00.002-05:00

Grant Miller Media is looking for bright, motivated and energetic people to join its corporate headquarters in St. Charles, Illinois.

As a member of the Grant Miller Media corporate team, you'll play a valuable role in our ongoing success while gaining important experience in a fast-paced, challenging field. If you're passionate about your corporate career join us in making Grant Miller Media the Internet's Number One source for Grant Miller-related information.

The following positions are available as of July 15, 2009:

Grave digger.
Biohazard removal.
Forced laborer.
Indentured servant.
Textile machinery operator.
Coal miner.
Print journalist.
Carnival attendant.
Poultry processing.
Nuclear decontamination.
Scientific guinea pig.
Cat husbandry.
Test subject.
Human zoo exhibit.

Grant Miller Media has grown to become one of the nation's leading Grant Miller-related information sources with more than 4,600 offices worldwide. Our annual retail sales of $13 billion rank Grant Miller Media in the top 25 of all U.S. Grant Miller-related information sources. We've been in business for more than 80 years, have a legendary distribution network, a strong financial record and a history of success. Grant Miller Media is an equal opportunity employer supporting diversity in the workplace. Except Mongolians.

Hackers Attack Microsoft Office Users.

2009-07-14T16:45:00.001-05:00

Cybercriminals attacked a flaw in Microsoft's Office software, putting users of the popular product at risk, a company spokesman said Tuesday. According to Microsoft, infected Office software will display the following symptoms:

Running smoothly without reboot.
Improved ease of use with simple, easy-to-follow prompts.
Able to run multiple applications without freezing up.
Logical button combinations.
Work is regularly saved so users can operate the software worry-free.
Does not cause computer to smoke or make weird noises.

Are You A Koala? Take The Grant Miller Media Quiz and Find Out!

2009-07-14T15:30:00.002-05:00

Do you sometimes feel people treat you differently? Are you regularly excluded from social events? Are you looking to get ahead at work but wondering what it takes? Do you have a thick coat of fur? If so, take this Grant Miller Media quiz to determine whether you are a koala.

1. If you had plans with a friend and they cancelled what would you do?

a. Ask why.

b. Be sad because you were really looking forward to going out.

c. Call someone else.

d. Mark your territory with saliva and urine.

2. When you've had a long day, how do you relax?

a. Read a favorite book.

b. Round up some friends and go out.

c. Chill out at home with a movie.

d. Nap in a eucalyptus tree for 18 hours.

3. You're at a park and see a child fall and start crying. You:

a. Rush to see if she needs help.

b. Alert the child's parents.

c. Walk away and act like you didn't notice.

d. Use your deadly fangs and sharp claws to devour her.

4. You think a date went well if:

a. You talked about a lot of interesting things.

b. You laughed a lot.

c. You planned to meet again.

d. You displayed your bifurcated penis.

5. Which of these best describes your bedroom?

a. Coordinated and well-put-together.

b. Messy. Tons of posters, toys and food everywhere.

c. A bed. A dresser. Don't need much else.

d. A mature eucalyptus tree covered with your scent.

6. If you knew you would die tomorrow, how would you spend your last day?

a. Reading great literature or going to a museum.

b. Visiting family and friends.

c. Crying.

d. High on eucalyptus leaves.

7. You often dream you are:

a. Falling.

b. Searching for something or someone.

c. I don't know. I can never remember.

d. A koala.

8. The television show "Two and a Half Men" is:

a. Funny and good-natured.

b. Entertaining for the whole family.

c. Mildly amusing.

d. A tragic waste of the human spirit.

9. What's your best physical attribute?

a. My eyes.

b. My body - it's a temple!!

c. My mind - I'm very cerebral, baby!

d. My thick coat of fur that pads my body while sitting in trees.

10. Your parents are:

a. My best friends! I love you guys!

b. Tolerant of my decisions even if they disagree.

c. So embarrassing OMG!

d. Koalas

If you answered "D" to any of these questions you are a koala.

A Helpful Tip From Grant Miller Media.

2009-07-13T14:15:00.000-05:00

People get really upset if they catch you using hand sanitizer for any other bodily appendage.

Have a Great Weekend!

2009-07-10T11:15:00.002-05:00

Since 2003, the number of underground tremors along a section of the San Andreas Fault has doubled. The same section produced a 7.8-magnitude earthquake in 1857, considered the last "big one" to hit the area. Scientists acknowledge they don't know what the rise in tremors signifies.
Although there are no concrete numbers, experts estimate there are 300 active serial killers in the United States at any time.
The "Big Freeze" - a term used by scientists to describe an ever expanding universe that ultimately drops in temperature - is the most commonly accepted theory on how the universe will end. Other theories include Heat Death (the universe contracts), the Big Rip (dark energy density increases, destroying all matter) and the Big Crunch (the Big Bang, but in reverse).
In 1989, a 1,000-foot diameter asteroid missed the Earth by 400,000 miles. Had it flown by just six hours earlier, it would have struck the Earth causing an explosion the "equivalent of one Hiroshima-sized atomic bomb detonating every second for 50 days." Scientists estimate similar asteroids miss the Earth undetected every "two or three years."
Last week, scientists discovered a new, medium-sized black hole. It is 500 times larger than the sun and has a gravitational pull so strong that nothing escapes it.
Astronomers speculate Jupiter's gravitational pull will eventually pull Mercury out of its orbit and possibly hit Earth. If so, the explosion would be large enough to form another moon.
About two million Americans are allergic to bee stings. In 2006, honey bees began disappearing throughout North America. Bees play a vital role in pollination. Their extinction could disrupt the food chain. A disruption in the food chain could lead to mass starvation and extinctions of other life forms including humans.
In 1997, Russia informed the United Nations that 100 nuclear weapons were unaccounted for. In 2005, that number grew to 250.
"Paris Hilton's My New BFF" began filming in Dubai last month.

U.S. Reporter Jailed in N.Korea Calls Sister.

2009-07-09T15:30:00.000-05:00

An American journalist jailed since March in North Korea phoned her sister late last month, it was reported Thursday. Laura Ling, 32, and Euna Lee, 36, were charged with illegal entry into North Korea and with an unspecified "grave crime." Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and others have lobbied for their release.

Grant Miller Media obtained these phone transcripts between Ling and her sister, former "View" co-host Lisa Ling:

Laura Ling: "What'd you do with those heels that you tried on last time you came over?"

Lisa Ling: "What do you mean?"

Laura: "You know what I mean. Last time you were here you were all 'Oh my God I love these shoes' and you even tried them on. Now, I go to wear them and they're gone. Like they totally vanished."

Lisa: "What are you talking about, I didn't touch them."

Laura: "Oh, so I guess they just disappeared on their own?"

Lisa: "Are you calling me a thief?"

Laura: "Well, I don't know where else they'd be..."

Lisa: "Look, I didn't even touch your shoes. They're way too small..."

Laura: "Whatever, whatever, whatever...Look. Just give 'em back, stop all this BS and it's over. Okay. No questions asked."

Lisa: "I don't have your shoes, Laura. What is wrong with you?"

Laura: "Fine. Whatever. Just don't be surprised if that paper weight thing mom gave you is missing sometime."

Lisa: "Pfft. Whatevs."

Ca. Students Get X-Rated Version of Class DVD.

2009-07-09T11:30:00.000-05:00

A California elementary teacher got into trouble last week for accidentally including a 6-second clip of her having sex on DVDs she gave to students.

The DVDs were intended as a year-end gift to students. It contained clips of classroom memories and school activities before abruptly cutting to teacher Crystal Defanti with her husband.

A spokesman for Elk Grove Unified School District apologized for the error and said the DVDs should be destroyed. It's unclear if the fifth grade Isabelle Jackson Elementary teacher will be reprimanded.

But this episode highlights a growing problem in American schools - teachers having sex.

When I was a school boy, nothing turned me off more than the thought of Mrs. Mather getting it from behind. Not that I routinely imagined her greying body in the throes of coital bliss, but it crossed my mind here and there.

Likewise, the very idea that Mrs. Kurth ever got naked - much less had sex - nearly made gag. To me, the pictures she kept on her desk of her kids were an eerie reminder that at some point someone had nailed her. A spine-chilling image to say the least.

But today, our teachers are having sex. And not the perfunctory, passionless sex that's taught in "What's Happening to My Body."

No. Modern teachers are having sex that is so naughty and perverse that they are recording it for future generations. It's like New Math but with sexier decimal points. Before you know it, teachers will be measuring body parts with the metric system and that's simply disgusting.

Teachers - like parents - should never have sex. Granted, I'm a parent and I know several teachers. But these facts do not change my views. Nothing is more repulsive than hearing my in-laws talk about their "golden years" and lounging around in a hammock together. They're grandparents for chrissakes.

The only time teachers - or parents - should ever have sex is in Van Halen videos or in "coming-of-age" movies set during the summer of 1942 on Nantucket.

Otherwise, keep it in your pants teachers.

Details Announced for Billy Mays Tribute.

2009-07-08T14:00:00.001-05:00

Plans for a televised tribute for infomercial pitchman Billy Mays were released today. The concert performance will be held next week at the Los Angeles Staples Center and will be televised between 1 a.m. and 6 a.m. on most basic cable channels. Viewers will be encouraged to donate to Billy Mays' Memorial Fund by calling the number on their screen. Operators are standing by.

Performers scheduled to appear include:

The ShamWow Guy.
Mariette Hartley.
Ron Popeil.
Mr. Microphone.
The Ginsu Knife chef.
Guthy and Renker.
Billy Blanks.
The Victory Auto Wreckers dude.
Miss Cleo.
The Progressive Insurance babe.
Mavis Beacon.
Joe Isuzu.
The reunited Cavity Creeps.
An acoustic performance by the Free Credit Report band.
The old guy from the Snuggie commercial.
And a very special appearance by the Whassup? guys.

Saddam Gun Going to Bush Library.

2009-07-07T17:30:00.002-05:00

It was announced this week that a gun found on Saddam Hussein when he was captured will be the centerpiece of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas when it opens in 2013. Other items to be displayed include:

Mark Farner's original handwritten lyrics for "We're an American Band."
A menu from a Daytona Waffle House.
A four-foot stack of Tijuana Bibles.
The "Marmaduke" cartoon from Sept. 11, 2001.
The collected works of Larry the Cable Guy.
A bumper sticker that reads "No Fat Chicks."
A rare, unedited film version of "Smokey and the Bandit."
The garter from a Reno dancer that hung from the Presidential Limousine's rearview mirror during his first term.
Some leftover bottle rockets.
A $600 set of Technics speakers.
A Revell 1/24 scale model of Truckasaurus.
Cheney's huntin' rifle.

Sarah Palin's Successor.

2009-07-07T14:00:00.001-05:00

Ever since Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation last week, rumors have spread over who will succeed her. Here's a look at the line of succession in the 5oth state:

1. The Alaskan Secretary of Dental Health.

2. The Alaskan Secretary of Prospecting.

3. The Abominable Snowman.

4. Santa Claus.

5. Carlos Boozer.

Reasons Why Sarah Palin Resigned.

2009-07-06T11:30:00.001-05:00

To spend more time exploiting her family.
To spend more time listening to the voices in her head.
So she can finally get back to Katie Couric on that question she asked.
To be the best darn-tootin', rock-'em-sock'em hockey mom from Wasilla.
To keep a closer eye on Russia.
To work on her clothing line for sexy librarians.
To focus on her 2010 presidential campaign.
To read all the magazines she subscribes to.
To be more folksy.

If Jesus Was a Video Store Clerk.

2009-07-06T08:45:00.000-05:00

He would turn VHS tapes into DVDs.
He would rewind the unwound.
He would forgive late fees on the Sabbath.
He would curse Netflix and it would wither.
He would walk the aisles to assist a customer.
He would rise from bed to cover a co-worker's shift.
He would turn over tables of video games and proclaim His store is for the rental of movies, not games.
He would convert widescreen DVDs to letterbox.
He would make 100 DVD copies from a single home video.
He would resurrect Cuba Gooding Jr.'s career.
He would denounce Hollywood writers as hacks.
Scratched DVDs would be smoothed when He restocked them.
He would turn the other cheek when a customer betrayed Him by renting a Jerry Bruckheimer movie.
He would give authority to His 12 co-workers to smoke behind the store.
And on the seventh day, He would take a 15-minute rest.

Tips for Firework Safety.

2009-07-04T12:45:00.000-05:00

Never point fireworks in the face of a department store mannequin. It will blow the mannequin's head off.
Never use a department store mannequin to hold lit firecrackers. Doing so could turn the mannequin's hand into a bloodless stump.
Keep all lit fireworks away from your produce, especially melons. Accidentally placing lit fireworks near or inside fruits and vegetables can result in massive explosions.
Never touch a sparkler. Sparklers are for pussies.
Keep all fireworks away from your face. Use someone else's face instead.
Keep a bucket of water nearby in case you decide to wash your car.
As a precaution always click your spurs together and yell "Yeeeeee Hawwwww!!!!" when firing a gun into the air.
Always remember, "ooohs" are for odd numbered fireworks, "ahhhhs" are for even numbered fireworks.
If police are called to your property to confiscate your fireworks, hand them over quickly and quietly. Do not lead them to your apocalyptic, end of days cache of firearms, materiel and rations in your underground bunker.

How Will Supreme Court Justices Spend Their Summer?

2009-07-02T11:45:00.001-05:00

The Supreme Court began its summer recess last week. Here's a look at how the justices will spend their time off:

John G. "Big John" Roberts: Interning at dad's law office.
John Paul "The Pope" Stevens: Working out so he can make the court's JV squad in fall.
Antonin "Tone" Scalia: Chillaxin' and getting tanned.
Anthony "Not a Real" Kennedy: Opening for Fleetwood Mac on selected tour dates.
Clarence "Clearance" Thomas: Hedonism II.
Ruth "Master" Bader Ginsburg: Working as a camp counselor and applying at colleges.
David "Dave" Souter: Backpacking Europe!!! See ya next year, BITCHES!!
Stephen "Little Stevie" Bryer: Partyin'!!!!
Samuel "Mad Sam" Alito: Mowing lawns.

Grant Miller Media: The Worst Daddy Blog of All Time.

2009-07-01T17:15:00.002-05:00

I took my youngest daughter, Annie, 5, to Rocket Park on Tuesday. It's right around the corner and the girls have been there thousands of times over the years.

It's our playground. We know everyone who comes and goes. We know where the dogs poop. We know which trees are most climbable and which are best for picnics. We know the sun always sets earlier there than at home. We understand how wind and air pressure plays havoc on Frisbees and we adjust accordingly. We have home field advantage. And we know that the 1960s era playground rocket that gives the park its "street name" is pretty bad ass.

We can spot the newcomers, the divorced dads taking their kids for the weekend, the families just passing through, the day care providers using our park. We let them. We are generous.

When we're at Rocket Park we are a gang, like the El Rukns but with Juicy Juice and sidewalk chalk. All others must pay respect.

Don't believe us? Here's what happened on Tuesday:

Annie was climbing the rocket. On the top rung she lost her step and dinged her shin.

Another girl, not a friend of ours, approached. She was about the same age as Annie.

"I know why she fell," she yelled pointing at Annie crying on the ground. "She fell because she was wearing flip-flops. You're not supposed to wear flip flops to the park because you might fall."

I was about to call bullshit on this little girl, but she walked away. She didn't ask if Annie was okay, or try to help. She just scolded her for wearing flip flops. Bitch.

That's why it was just too sweet to see her climb onto another nearby slide no more than a minute later and see her fall smack down on the slide, face first and cry like a little girl.

Don't bring that shit to our park, motherfucker.

Bumper Stickers You Never See.

2009-06-30T09:30:00.000-05:00

Erratic driving

Erotic driving

Are Transformers Bad Role Models For Other Robots?

2009-06-29T17:15:00.002-05:00

Despite less than luke-warm reviews, "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" had a gangbusters opening weekend, netting more than $200 million since its premiere.

But once the explosions have ceased and dust settled, one fact will remain - the Transformers are bad role models for our robots.

Nearly all of the robots in Michael Bay's film are hulking, lubed-up mechanical monstrosities. If they are not dead set on destroying the Earth, they are all too happy to attack one another with an endless series or explosions, lasers and death grips. Many speak in garbled, barely incomprehensible tones and some cannot even read.

It's this type of characterization that hurts the robot community.

For decades, Hollywood has portrayed robots as either comical scraps of steel or mindless killing machines. Finally, when a film like "Wall-E" comes along that portrays the complex relationships between 'droids it's snubbed at Oscar time - robosexualphobia at its worst.

The robots in Michael Bay's new film are nothing like the robots I know. The robots I know are hard-working, devoted and loyal machines. They turn-on in the morning and ask for nothing more than the occasional lubrication and respect.

But movies like Transformers promote a lifestyle so vastly different and truly unattainable for most robots that it robs them of their dignity. How many robots will grow up thinking they too can change into a semi-tractor trailer capable of saving the earth?

These robo-role models also present images that humans are not their friends, but enemies who must be destroyed. As a human, I don't to go down that slippery slope and encourage our robot companions to rise against us. Not even Robocop could protect us from that fate.

It used to be that Hollywood once portrayed robots as helpful companions with only occasionally mischievous - think of R2-D2, C-3PO or Johnny 5. Where are those character-driven robot films of years past?

It's a stereotype that Hollywood is run by aliens with an axe to grind against robots. I never believed it. But after viewing the caricatures in the new Transformers film, I'm beginning to have my doubts.

Where Have You Gone, Crazed Lunatics?

2009-06-29T12:45:00.001-05:00

Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison today and that's great. The whole episode is a stain in American history.

Not because he scammed thousands out of billions. Not because he stole from charities, Holocaust survivors and universities. Not because he clearly took a dive to save others from certain jail time. And not because federal regulators let the entire scam go on far too long.

The episode is a stain because there was no Sirhan Sirhan for Bernard Madoff.

I watched on TV a few months ago as Madoff made the perp walk into the federal courthouse in Manhattan. I turned to my wife and said "This is going to be huge - mark my words - he's not making it through those doors alive. He's gonna get shot, stabbed or something."

Madoff bounded up the sidewalk, up the stairs, federal agents on either side. Within 10 seconds he was safe and in the courthouse. My heart literally sank.

I'm neither a gun-owner nor a gun control advocate. I'm precisely in the middle on gun rights, mainly because I don't know enough about the issue. But that day, when Bernard Madoff walked into the courthouse to admit guilt for robbing investors, couldn't one crazed lunatic have at least taken a shot?

Sirhan Sirhans of the world, where the fuck did you go?

And I'm not some blood thirsty, pro-death penalty zealot. I'm not. Quite the opposite. But if there's one guy who truly deserved it - who even admitted to his crimes - it was Bernard Madoff.

Why is it that we can find crazed lunatics to kill Presidents Lincoln and Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, Martin Luther King, John Lennon but not Bernard Madoff?

What is wrong with you crazed lunatics? You're going after the wrong people!

Rhode Island Closer to Changing State Name.

2009-06-29T09:00:00.001-05:00

Rhode Island lawmakers are considering a proposal to change the state's official name and break ties some connect with slavery. The state's official name is "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations." Here are some of the names under consideration:

Tiny.
Biggie Smalls.
I Am a Rock I Am Rhode Island.
RI Diddy.
Beth.
O(+>
Magnum RI
East Connecticut.
South Massachusetts.
Connectichusetts.
The Long and Winding Rhode Island.
Rhode? What Rhode? And Where's the Island...Am I Right Folks?

The Dullest Story Ever Told, Vol. XVIII

2009-06-28T13:00:00.005-05:00

I first visited New York City in 1984. I was 12 and accompanied my mom on a business trip there.

Even as a child, I was fascinated with New York - my mother raised me on a steady diet of Woody Allen movies and with the Yankees legendary history, I was convinced something in the municipal water turned mortals into Hall of Famers.

We flew into LaGuardia and took a cab to the Midtown Hyatt where the conference was being held. Since my mom needed to be up early, we soon went to sleep but I still remember looking out the window as my eyes closed amazed at the sheer size of New York City - it was like nothing I'd ever seen.

The next morning, my mom went to her meetings. She said I could watch TV in the room or go to pool during the day, but absolutely - under no conditions - could I leave the hotel without her.

So I spent the next three days trapped in the hotel as New York City bustled outside. "Rhinestone," starring Sylvester Stallone and Dolly Parton, was playing on Showtime, so I watched that a few times. And when I wasn't doing that, I'd trek to the hotel pool and play with the other unattended kids.

The hotel restaurant waiters got to know me, referring to me as "Mr. Grant" and always having a glass of Ovaltine waiting when I arrived. I was just like "Eloise" but at the Midtown Hyatt, a boy and a devotee of the early theatrical work of Sly Stallone.

"Yep, I'm a real New Yorker now," I thought to myself.

At night, my mom complained of being too tired to go sightseeing, so we'd usually go for dinner at the hotel and I'd tell her about my day.

The conference ended Sunday morning and my mom promised we'd see the sights that day before flying back to O'Hare on Monday afternoon.

We set out to conquer New York.

I Velcroed my KangaROOs, donned my New York Yankees cap and wore t-shirt with an American flag iron on. I gently and proudly placed my Kodak Disc 4000 camera around my neck so I wouldn't lose it in the rough and tumble New York City streets.

My mother got a quick rundown of the subway system from the concierge. I remember the heat beating down on us as we exited the hotel that morning, the sounds of taxis whizzing by and diesel bus fumes filling the air. I loved it.

We walked to a nearby subway station and boarded a train. I'd seen "The Warriors," so I knew trouble lurked everywhere on these subway trains. But I'd taken karate at the Elmhurst Park District and troublemakers could tell I meant business just by looking at me.

After a couple stops, my mom poked me to get off the train.

"This is Times Square," she said.

Instantly, I envisioned old-timey sailors on leave kissing dames beneath enormous, neon signs. I assumed Yankee legends regularly walked the streets, greeting tourists and locals and welcoming everyone to their metropolis. And, who knows, maybe I'd bump into Woody Allen along the way.

Times Square, no doubt, would be the center of my universe, the crossroads of what I was and what I would become. Climbing the stairs as we left the station, the opening strains of Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue" filled my mind. This was New York, real New York, and I was right in the middle of it.

On the street, I looked around. Giant parade floats jammed the streets and disco thumped from nearby speakers. The street was covered with confetti, glitter and streamers.

I spotted a team of cops walking the parade route. Except they didn't look like normal cops - they wore leather. Lots of leather. And I think one, maybe all, wore chaps. And they didn't have shirts on beneath their leather jackets.

And instead of carrying guns in their holsters, they carried double-headed dildos.

Evidently, we walked into Times Square during the middle of the Gay Pride Parade. This was my first impression of New York City. And double-headed dildos.

The End.

The Most and Least Common Search Words Used to Find Grant MIller Media.

2009-06-28T08:45:00.000-05:00

The Most Common:

The Least Common:

Michael Jackson's 911 Transcripts.

2009-06-26T15:15:00.001-05:00

Dispatcher: 911. What's your emergency?

Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah!

Dispatcher: Huh?

Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah!

Dispatcher: What?

Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah!

Dispatcher: Huh?

Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah!

Dispatcher: I have no idea what you're saying.

Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah.

Dispatcher: Okay. I have no idea what you're saying, but I'm gonna have that damn rhyme in my head all day now.

Caller: Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sa. Mama say, Mama sah, Mama Coo Sah. Mama say, Mama sah, mama Coo Sah.

Posting Announcement.

2009-06-26T10:15:00.000-05:00

Grant Miller Media is awaiting a press conference from "Webster" star Emmanuel Lewis on the death of Michael Jackson. Updates available shortly.

Friends, Loved Ones Quickly Forget Ed McMahon.

2009-06-26T09:00:00.001-05:00

Ed McMahon

March 6, 1923 to just before Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

With Great Sympathy.

2009-06-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

Grant Miller Media extends its deepest sympathies during this time of mourning to Michael Jackson's monkey.