Khuman Ngakpa

Terminator Salvation : The Ugly Duckling

2009-07-01T00:17:00.001+05:30

The new terminator edition has failed to live up to its legacy. You can't find any heart stopping actions or layers of stories. The story is quite confusing. It looks like a disjoint movie compare to the previous stories of legacy.

Arnold (animated or real ?) which featured for less than a minute trying to link this edition to those legacy which had Arnold as main role is redundant and completely unnecessary.

Watch it for the actions and Christian Bale (looks more of supporting role) and you'll love this movie.

If you watch (which I did) for the sake of terminator legacy than this is completely disappointing movie.

I will rate it 1 on a scale of 5.

Reason for (infamous) segmentation fault / Core dumping

2009-06-25T22:12:00.002+05:30

It is seen that inspite of capturing lot of requirements and coding meticulously, the code which we wrote is bound to some kind of core dumping at certain point of time if it is part of large application / system.

Many of the analysis of the core dumps through debugger always point to something which was totally unexpected while coding, some kind of input which is not expected and not taken care.

In a large application, it will be very difficult to ensure that all the methods / functions behave properly and gives you the right return everytime for the next functions / methods which is a very much ideal / perfect situation.

One way of encountering it is to make your method takes care of such unexpected inputs which is like conquering the hell to make heaven safe because you never know what hell can be of. I feel this is very difficult or next to impossible in a large system.

So, the next easier way of dealing with the same problem is to check your input before you processed or passed to your methods / functions. This will ensure that atleast your code don't dump because somebody feeds you something wrong. It is simple logic GIGO (Garbage In and Garbage Out). Check the input reject it if it garbage / unwanted to your code. I think this will resolve as much as more than 90% of your core dumps provided you code it as expected with your sets of input.

New found Passion : Stock Marketing

2009-06-18T05:40:00.000+05:30

I was looking all the possible options so that my wife won't sit idle before she get a job. The kind of criteria which she is looking (and I prefer) - near and good in place like Mumbai will take time to realize. I hit upon the idea of making her spent time on stock marketing. Since past few weeks she started reading business pages (which was non-existent till yesterday), business sites and sites which gives readings of sensex. Even I suggested to keep an eye on some companies which is worth the investment according to me for a long term. While trying to help her, I slowly started having interest in stock. It's now a new found passion for me.

I took back the password of my demat account which was with my uncle since I opened the account. Today, the moment I reached office, I bought shares of NTPC and Satyam Computers.

NTPC because it is PSUs and the upcoming budget may have something for power sector as the need of power is going to manifold as India progresses.

Satyam because after the change of guard it is going to do better. Satyam has the manpower, infrastructure and process to do well in some point of time. The effect of scandal is slowly mitigating and things started improving. It will be back to its original position in some point of time.

These were my reasons for buying. I listened to my colleagues who were in stock market since long time but, I took little or no advice from them as it is going to my own hard-money to be invested. So, I want only myself to be blamed if things goes busted or worst.

Both the shares I bought showed some profit in the beginning. But, after lunch time both are in RED. Let's see what happens in long run.

Some more investment will happen soon but, not much.

Caution : Investing in share market is like tiger waiting for prey

To make other happy !

2009-06-11T22:46:00.003+05:30

Sometimes, we do certain things which only to make someone happy but, not ourselves even if we aren't enjoying / happy doing the same.

I'm doing introspect of such things in my life in past few years as far as I can remember very well and vividly.

Such things which I did for the sake of someone's happiness had a common link. They were all disastrous to me at the end. No wonder that they were disastrous because they were done half-heartedly with no much intention.

Sometimes, it became too stupid to continue and I found myself almost stuck in some senseless situation. Moving out of the situation was rather difficult by that time with so many things on stake and liability.

By the time I moved out of the situation, I lost many good friends and well-wisher by then and also earned bad reputation from other.

And, for myself I earned bad memories which is going to haunt me for a long time and which can't be undone easily.

Don't do things because you want to make someone happy. But, do it because it makes you happy.

Election : My Review

2009-05-30T23:10:00.003+05:30

Many people have their own views of why the Congress ended up winning records numbers inspite of many exit polls showing neck-neck fight between UPA and NDA.

In so many years, UPA (Congress) almost touches the magic figure inspite of many factors doing round against them. India being divided by socio-economic factors, giving a review as the whole nation will be difficult and not right. Regional issues plays main role rather than National Issues at many times and many places.

For example, UPA defeated NDA badly in Mumbai because Mumbaikar felt more safe in hands of Manmohan Singh during this period of economic uncertainties. The NDA doesn't have any stalwart who can match that of UPA. Second thing, effect of MNS who eats out many votes of BJP-Shiv Sena as both Shiv Sena and MNS has the same origin and goal so trying to differentiate between two will be difficult and confusing.

For small place like Manipur, the rule party always win whether there is issue or not. Seeing an opponent party winning was a rare chance in many elections.

But, there were few national agenda according to me which finally decides the outcome :

1. (Desperate) projection of LK Advani as PM candidate : It looked like a desperate effort from BJP to make LK Advani at least once as PM as if it is his birth right before the age catches up finally. The effort was unnecessarily too much that it started looking like a desperate measure. Add to this, hitting below the belts of Manmohan Singh calling him "Weak PM" didn't go down well with common man. Personal attack should be avoided if you are looking for top-post.

2. Economic Slowdown : NDA didn't have any big stalwarts who could match Manmohan or Chidambaram when it came handling economy. The economy was hitting the bottom. For a common man (urban), what is most important is safe job, good return and good sensex run. So, the common man prefers to be with the safe hand instead rather than trying with new hands of NDA. See how the sensex hit the upper circuit on the next day of UPA mandate.

3. Hindu Politics : BJP at times go beyond the limits of the understandability of common man. The brutal attack at Mangalore Pub was uncalled for. This separates the working youth class almost forever. This created a fear deep inside the mind of everyone of BJP coming to powerful and putting so many restrictions. The attack on churches at Orissa, Mangalore was highlight of BJP intruding other religions. No wonder they almost drew blank in NE India which is dominated by Christians. When this issues were dying slowly, the hate speeches of Varun Gandhi hit the headline of all National News which refreshes the memories of everyone of Hindu Politics of BJP. Denying the candidature of Varun Gandhi might have done wonders to the common man conscience but, BJP wanted to keep the other Gandhi in their pocket. This eventually confused everyone on the thinking process of BJP. The closeness of BJP with Bajrang Dal, Ram Sena etc. was another important factor. People worry that Bajrang Dal, Ram Sena may become too powerful with BJP giving them a free hand when it comes to power.

4. Nuclear Deal : Everyone understand that Nuclear Deal was really good for India except for Communist party. The opposition to such a good deal was like digging the own graves. The CPI(M) was the main opponents who even pull out support of UPA. This was total disconnect with the ideology and thinking of common man. Due to which, CPI(M) was even beaten badly in home grown also. NDA should have supported such deals but, being in opposition and wanted to rob congress of their good work, they also did the same things as CPI(M). This hadn't gone down well with the common man also.

For the above 4 reasons, I won't vote of BJP this time even if I'm a supporter of BJP every year and every election.

PS : I didn't vote because my constituency is more than 3 days away from my working place.

PMS stories continues

2009-05-29T21:06:00.001+05:30

The PMS was over long time ago. The feeling of depression, shock,angry etc. with me has sunk a bit. Get better with everyday.

Like me, there are many unhappy people in my office. The stories of how appraisal was done finally (by so-called HR council) started tumbling down slowly from many sources which are very reliable as far as my experience counts.

The story doing the round is that there was no measurement of your performance done exactly. It is your relation and how well can you butter your boss and superiors was count at the end of day. Favoritism, bias ,personal ego, bad blood, personal grudges etc. all come into play while evaluating someone performance inspite of all the hype which was doing for past 1 year due to the new HR team. It's like old wine in the new bottle.

I don't want to believe this story as I'll lost interest and trust in future PMS and my superiors if I have to. But, looking at the kind of data and backtracking the same, I'm completely sure something is true and done in a very unprofessional and unethical way.

PMS is basically making mockery of someone's performance. PMS is like deciding who is better "blue-eye" boy rather than deciding who has done well and better.

This is bound to happen unless it becomes truly objective based, measured per given standard scale and devoid of human emotions and touch.

Wrong Strategy : Tata Sky Plus ad

2009-05-28T23:35:00.001+05:30

Yesterday, I was doing my best to keep myself awake to watch the Grand Finale of Uefa Champions League between Manchester United and Barcelona. The timing as per IST was pretty odd like any other soccer matches. Starting at 12:15am and full-time (normal play) would dragged upto 2:15am. With a office next day, watching such a match remained the challenge but, many times I somehow make it to watch till the end.

Before the start of the match, same ad of Tata Sky recording was shown repeatedly. In the ad, Aamir Khan going to sleep letting his Tata Sky plus to record the live match as he have office next day; he was leaving with taunting voice to viewers to keep on watching till very late and go to office next day late with the prospect of boss shouting.

I think the whole idea of this ad is wrong. Recording features has come and gone but, none succeed. What Tata Sky is doing is nothing inventive or innovation.

Such recordings are shown next day in many channels but, you don't find that excitement to watch except for some wonderful actions. The whole idea of watching a match live is to catch the excitement, thrill, suspense rather than the actions which you can catch in highlights.

Once you know the outcome, such things like excitement dies down immediately. With internet, news channels and phone which has update of news every second, it is really difficult not to bump to news of such great finals.

Perhaps, the Tata Sky needs to understand this "true" fact and feeling of a sports-lover to sell their product in a right way.

Epilogue : Barcelona beat Manchester 2-0.

New Pants !

2009-05-24T11:56:00.000+05:30

Today, I went for shopping for new pants. Not because I don’t have but, because all the pants I have is very tied at the waistline. Perhaps, sign of prosperity. Four years back when I started working it was 28 inches. But, this has grown to 34 inches for better or worse.

My tummy is coming out a bit. A T-shirt will be thing of past very soon as it is revealing the tummy too much.

I plan to start jogging the next morning before I go to sleep every night. But, getting up early is something not in my gene at least it seems. Getting up before 9 is really difficult for me even there is office.

Going to office and returning on foot everyday which takes more than 15 minutes each way is not helping me either it seems.

Perhaps, another shopping stint for pants is in offing with this laziness in me.

My PMS

2009-05-16T12:53:00.002+05:30

Appraisal for anything is something which I really hate since a small kid. I hate to be appraised by someone who doesn’t fully understand the context of my situation but, still trying to say something. I hate it more when someone started telling me what was wrong because this de-motivates me a lot. Due to which, I never read paper when my favorite team or player lost in a match as the paper carry lot of post-mortem of what went wrong. To me what is more important is self-introspection.

In the history of our company, the result of appraisals and bonuses were announcement in first week of May compare to traditional of announcing in August or November.

HR department had lived up to its own promised and delivered things on time. The whole process started some 45 days before at the full steam with a trial run in December with the name mid-term review. For a change, the biggies (my super boss and above) were taking it very seriously for the PMS process. I happened to sit with my super boss for lunch one day. He happened to ask me about PMS completion from my side which was bit un-natural for him. In so many years, he had never asked me such questions other than projects and completion deadlines. That perhaps, shows the seriousness this time.

But, when the result came out it was the same old story. Old wine in new bottle. Because many of things were beyond justifications and answers.

After many rounds of discussions, debates and suspense the results were announced. Many of my colleagues were happy and elated and some were dejected and disappointed. One of them was me. The result was truly unexpected for me at least. The reviewer comment for me was really great and good but, at the end it was bad.

Many of the grading both for low and high are still difficult to understand including mine. The explanation given by my appraiser was shifting the blame to other and the so-called bell-curved rather than giving me the right answer. After getting the letter, I blasted my boss and told what I felt. They showed a worrying and concerned face to me. He insisted me to speak to HR for more clarity but, I declined because I knew it couldn’t be change and getting unwanted explanations and good words at this time was least invited.

The next day I skipped the office on the pretext that my wife was ill but, the real answer was due to feeling of dejection and disappointment. My boss knew it. He called me and many of my colleagues also called me with his courtesy trying to console.

Perhaps, I have grown a bit mature because things sunk faster than I thought. Next day in office, I kept quiet and did my things which were expected but, avoided all the possible debates with my boss inspite of his best effort to get me talking.

Yesterday, there was annual party of my office. I also skipped the same. HR with my boss itself was in full force to appease me. But, I avoided all the debates because I didn’t have the capacity to listen any explanation other than myself. I’m keeping things to myself including the disappointment for now.

Currently, I’m doing self-introspection for what went wrong and what went right for the last year. One thing is pretty clear that I helped people before being asked for help and many times I volunteered myself for my things. Perhaps, due to this I had been taken for granted. This is going to be changed.

I remembered when my father told me that “Never help someone unless asks for the same because this lessens your importance and value.”

My cute cousins

2009-05-02T12:31:00.004+05:30

Selirina, Sanjana and Ashish

Relapse Case

2009-04-28T20:44:00.001+05:30

The trichotillomania which I got rid some 4-5 months back is coming back somehow. The root cause is something which I still wondering helplessly. It's frustrating, take a lot more efforts and hell lot of "will" which I'm lacking.

This time also I had done almost clean shaved of my head like the last time. I hope this is perhaps the last time which I'm taking such a drastic measure of cure / get rid of this habit.

Shamu Makhong : A Manipuri Poem

2009-04-25T12:13:00.003+05:30

Shamu Makhong

ema keithel do kaihoure
maroi manam na chaihoure
miyam gi khonga netkhaibada
anouba hingol maroi sing do
pathoure.....

Masidasu natte
kanagi nga makhal suna chaihoure
ema singdo pot hundoklamlaga
masa masa hingnaba chennakhre

Ho! Bazaar do kaihoure..
Mi kappam bagira? Natte
Combing operation la? Natte
adudi karino...

Shamu makhong gi shamu do ngaohoure!
Madi karigi ngaoriba asuk kuiba matamdi ngaodraga
Ngaoba oirammoi...

ei amukta warisage ngaigkho:
hey Shamu, karigino nangna tafing tafing chelliba
kanada kari warouba leire..
ema singse hingnanaba keithel famjabani
nangna loina thugaire keithel se, kari pende nang?

Hey, lamdam sigi mitangba Praja
eise kuire lengdana leirakpa
yenge yenglakpani, eibu thawoide nakhoina
enaton se kenba yaba kenkhre
emeisisu hanna yengbide nakhoina

matam amadadi
eibu yengba arappada gi mi kaya ama lak ammi
ngasidi nakhoigi chaokhatpagi mitou tamba heinabiduna
eigi ethak ta thong sajille,,,(flyover kouwee hai Maharja na)
eibu udre...
eina touriba haibabu ngaiba
eina asum asum tumsillakpa ngairi
adubu nakhoigi taibangsu tumsillakle,,
takutchei nakhoigi sajat..
Sa ga khetnaba leite.
eidi nungtigi ui;
lapna lakchaba pot yonbi singbu
Imphal machana pot yolhande
nakhoi sibu mira,
murti oina faoba eidi nakhoise pamjade

Maharaj Bheigyachandra dasu haijarure wakatlure eina
Adubu madi apangbani.
mana khalli;
madudi thong asida mahak
Kangla manungda
nongmadi changkhini
ngasi mahakti ngairi.
kayada pangliba!
ningthou yamle ngasidi
mahak ti khangjade
mahak ti supnadagi murti ni murti

The above poem is written by my friend Ronid alias Akhu. The english script is used to write this poem so my non-Manipuri friend will find it difficult to understand even if they can read. A salute to him for such a moving poem.

The poem is about the neglected one time famous landmark status in Manipur known as "Shamu Makhong" which is now deteriorating due to neglect. There is hell lot of history behind this statue which I'll post sometimes later.

A Phobia : Static-Phobia

2009-04-24T23:50:00.000+05:30

I don’t whether such kind of phobia exist officially or not. Whatever is the case, I think I’m suffering from “static-phobia”. It is nothing to do with being static but, it has to do with static electricity which is developed in our body like that when we wear woolen cloths in winter season.

I develop such kind of static electricity more than any of my friends / colleagues. Many times, I find that there is small spark when I touched someone / something. The Air-Conditioned atmosphere in the office has worsened my condition. At times, it hurts me physically and sometimes, it also hurst that someone whom I touched depending on the intensity of the spark generated. Now, it slowly hurting mentally also by creating a fear or second thought.I tried to figure out why this happening but, hit a dead end without much answer.

The frequency is increasing everyday. From once / twice, it has risened to four / five. This thing has created a fear in my mind which makes thing twice before I touch anyone / anything even before hand-shake.

Worse part is that some of the rooms in my office is biometric control which requires your finger-print to access. So, thought of entering such rooms brings jittery in my mind everyday. Perhaps, fear or maybe phobia.

I don’t know how I’m going to get over this. But, I want to get over this before it turns into permanent phobia.

Pedestrian Pathway : Keep Right !

2009-04-18T13:48:00.002+05:30

Perhaps, you know this. While walking you need to keep right (yes, right not the left) to see the traffic coming. Many of us always keep left while walking also because we were taught so since early age. But, it is wrong actually. Keep left is for the motorist only. For the pedestrian, we need to keep right so that you see the traffic and avoid accidents.

You must have realized by this time how uncomfortable it is to walk in left in a busy road. There is always a scare of hitting from back. The kind of sound is annoying when you don't know what is happening behind you.

Inspite of being uncomfortable, we still keep left because we are ignorant as well as mis-guided. No wonder in many of hit-and-run cases you will always find that the victim is always hit from behind.

Keep right while walking to avoid being hit from behind.

PS : Few days back I had an argument with my wife on this. I said "Right" and she said "Left".

Do a google search for : pedestrian to walk in right side of the road. (perhaps, you'll find the answer)

Catching up !

2009-04-12T12:18:00.001+05:30

Many of my blog readers (though very small in number) must be wandering where I have gone. Because it’s been quite sometime, a little over 2 months, I have been out of touch with the blogging and blogging world.

I’m still existing. Over the last 2 months I was on marriage cum vacation trip to my hometown. I was in home for almost a month. Came back to Mumbai, then shifting my PC took a long time as my ex-roomies wanted to use my PC for sometime more before his PC was delviered. My PC was rather in bad shape due to many users and no upgrade since it was bought. Upgrading it took me few weekends. Now, my desktop have been upgraded. But, no internet connection till then.

In meantime, my office has drafted a new IT policy which blocked all the personal site including blogs. So, blogging / reading blogs is not possible. So, it took bit long to start writing, reading blogs.

Now, I have taken internet connection in home. So, blogging won’t be a problem anymore.

I have also change the way my block could be accessed. Previously, it was open to anyone. Now, I have change to those only whom I invited to read my blog.

Waiting Game is over

2009-02-02T10:32:00.003+05:30

After many painful and anxious moments, my office flat is finalized and alloted to me. Considering the complexity of my problem and also the priority, everybody in my office who has something to do with the allotment has pitched in some effort to get things done on time and most importantly before I depart for home. Special thanks to Head HR , my Vertical Head, Admin Team who made the difference at the end. Their continuous and persistent efforts work well and wonder for me. Key had been given to me inspite being Sunday. Yesterday itself, I have moved few of things to the new flat. Also, met the owner of the flat from whom my company has leased the flat. They are good and very humble. All the efforts from my office and understanding my problem will make the difference when I have to make certain decision. Mentally, I'll always be bounded with this company. Perhaps, the saying - "Rolling stone gathers no moss" is in fact very true.

I have taken my room-mates (now ex) to movie treat for helping me in shifting. We saw "Luck By Chance". We went for the movie only because Rajeev Masand had given 4 star rating for the movie. The screenplay, story was good. But, somehow I don't like the movie overall. It's like re-hearing the same old story of Bollywood again which you read as gossips, rumors in film magazines. Zoya Akhtar must have had a cake walk as she being born and brought in film family. I saw nothing great and inspiring at the end. It's like old wine in the new bottle.

My postponement of departure of home by few days has work wonder for me. Because, the lose ends of major things are tied up, I can go home without taking any tension / pressure from here. I'll be leaving home t'row early morning for a month long leave.

On Saturday, we again went to Tikuji-Ni-Wadi resort as get-together for office. Nothing much have change since my last time visit. Inspite of my resistance to particular venue due to bad past experience, rest of my colleague decided for it. So can't help much other than joining them.

The Waiting Game

2009-01-23T11:35:00.002+05:30

My office has agreed to allot me a service quarter some 25 days ago from today. Since then I had declined all the apartments which I was about to finalize and also stop looking for option since then. Leaving all the hopes and expectations to office. It is quite a relief to me when my office understand my situation and considered my case at the same time putting it on the priority list among things to be done immediately.

They are looking for new flats to be taken on lease so that it can be used as office quarter and allot me an apartment. In the beginning phase some flats were about to be finalized but, issue of veg and non-veg come as the owner was a strict Gujarati so I had to decline it finally. Now, they are looking apartment in office vicinity within a distance of 5-10kms from office. My decision of turning down the previous offer was blessing in disguise else I'll be commuting more than 3 hours per day in the infamous Mumbai local and BEST bus.

I tried to follow up with the admin department with whom the responsibility of finalizing the apartment is with currently. Inspite of their best effort, things are dragging a bit due to lots of paper work and constraint from office on the way how things to be deal. Everything should be on white which make little difficult with the infamous broker and builders of Mumbai.

I know it can't be happened overnight. It is less than 10 working days since they started looking for the apartment nearby the office. Patiently with my finger cross I'm waiting. Waiting for the phone call / mail from admin dept saying that "I can collect the keys now." But, everyday there is another twist and turn in the story.

The wait has become more and more painfully with the days in my hand started running out (less than a week from today). With tickets yet to be booked and the prices of the ticket rising due to the proximity of the dates, I'm not able to give 100% to my work currently. This uncertainty is driving me mad everyday. Wish that this gets over as soon as possible.

It's now like so near but, yet so far. Still I can't see the light in the tunnel.

My Niece : 8th Month

2009-01-19T09:52:00.003+05:30

My niece now named "Terina" is now 8th months old. My cousin who had been to home just few weeks back told me that she is now very cute and playful but, doesn't go well with the new faces. :)

Slumdog millionaire : Review

2009-01-09T12:10:00.002+05:30

I watched this movie yesterday. Was really good and amazing. It was a story of slum and orphan boy who had never gone to school become a millionaire through the famous TV show "Who wants to be a millionaire".

All the answers that the boy gave in the quiz was part of his real life story he had gone through. Every answer he gave reminded him of the trauma he went through as a small kid. The way how he struggled each day to stay alive as a very young boy with no caretakers was depicted as part of search through answers. Right from the first question "Who was the famous actor in 'Zanjeer'? to the last question 'Name of the third musketeer?' was all part and parcel of his struggle in his life.

But, the best question would be - 'What is the hand of Lord Rama?'. This question reminded him how he lost his mother in riot and how he escaped running his life. While running he stumbled on a small kid (perhaps who was a part of riot and) dressed up in Lord Rama costume. He answered by saying "Wish he can forget the incident and don't know the answer for the same question because everyday he wake with the nightmare of the incident ?"

The world of slum and how the small kids was duped and forced to begging was depicted very clearly and convincingly. When the person who runs the begging business removed eyes of a small kids so that he get more sympathy was also clearly depicted. You will lose your heart when you see it for sure.

Mumbai fits to the entire concept of this Hollywood movie. You can't find a better place for the said script. Perhaps, the land of Bollywood inspite of going through such things everyday has failed to inspire them such a script of heart moving reality is really shameful. They know how to sing, dance but, they can't see beneath their own nose. They need to do some soul searching and beyond box-office.

Five out of five and thumbs up would be my rating for the said movie. Go for it. It will move your heart and make you do some soul searching.

Liar Liar !

2009-01-05T14:11:00.002+05:30

Here, I'm not going to write review of the famous Jim Carrey's Liar Liar movie. But, to draw a line of similarity of the very character of Jim Carrey with my life.

In this movie, Jim Carrey would lie to get his job done, he would lie to make things better for him but, eventually a lie added to another lie until everything broke lose hell. He broke promises, heart and his own things at the end. But, all end well as it is just a movie. You'll love this particular character because he is the hero / main character of the movie.

In my life also, I lie a lot. A lie to help someone. A lie not hurt someone. A lie to make someone happy.

I had never lied to make anyone miserable or feel bad about anything. I lie to make things better. By doing this I never meant to hurt anyone as it is/was never my intention. I even lied because I never want to lose you at any cost.

But, over a period of time it becomes difficult to maintain as it can't last forever. So, a lie has to be complimented by another lie to help me. This help me in short term things.

But, on the long term where you meant to happily live forever this hurts me at the end.

A lie to make you happy ends in hurting both of us. I have lost you because I lied. You hate me because we are in the real world. And, everything ends in a painful, hatred and the bubble finally busted.

How much I wish if I were truthful to myself and to you? At least, I won't have lost you like this.

Now I'm working hard to find a new beginning where I don't have to lie to anyone anymore.

"Every saint has a past and every sinner a future !"

A New Day

2009-01-02T11:22:00.001+05:30

Perhaps, the most difficult thing - to start something new and afresh. Forgiving someone is easier than forgetting.

Forgetting is next to impossible as memories remain forever with you. But, things can be always made better. With a little effort things can be work out is what I need to believe as of now.

Let 2009 brings me a new day, a new ray of hope. Let my guilt be washed away along with the painful memories.

A new day to begin with this new year.

Forgive me

2008-12-24T14:51:00.001+05:30

I know how much I had hurt you. I had left you when you needed me the most and when you needed me more than anyone else. I can imagine the pain, trauma, turmoil and embarrassment you have / had gone through due to me. I hope things will heal with the time.

You had given me everything but, in return I had given you only pain and pain. I hope whatever happen to both of us is for our goodness only.

I hope you can understand me.

I bare my soul to ask forgiveness from you. If possible, forgive me even if it is too little and too late.

Happy, aren't I ?

2008-12-17T15:44:00.002+05:30

Yesterday I went and met one of my brother-in-law's friend. His reaction on seeing me is that I have put lot of weights since we met last some 12 months ago. I replied "I'm happy that's why."

At this time last year, my weight was 56 kg and in less than a year now my weight is 68-70kg. I have gain from than 10 kg in a short span of 12 months. I think this is because I'm happy and free from many of personal and mental tensions compare to last year as I'm able to eat only when I happy or when there is nothing in my mind which is very difficult when I'm emotionally hurt.

Many of friends and cousins who are meeting me after a long gap are complimenting me. They said I'm looking much better now from before. They said they could hear the content when I laugh / speak or do something.

My problem with trichotillomania is more or less cure. It takes a lot of will and some innovative ideas to end up this habit. Mama is going to be really happy for this as she is someone who is keeping a track of this since I develop this habit. Thanks to blogger Arunima for her advice and concern.

Add to this, I can concentrate more in my work. I can now work in more organize, tension-free fashion like I'm hungry of something new.

My loneliness is now gone. I can sleep for hours like before like a log. No longer interested in calling someone / friend to kill my solitude. Now, I enjoy more of quite, peaceful and being alone many times.

Most importantly, the sense of guilt and suspicion feeling is now gone forever.

Now, I'm all over again finding myself. Perhaps, this are the all the indicators of being good and happy. Perhaps, the lost spark of life has come back to me again.

I'm happy, aren't I ?

My State Manipur - ceasing soon.

2008-12-15T12:14:00.005+05:30

Manipur - a land of jewels / switzerland of India. This was what you'll find in many book about Manipur.

But, looking at the current scenario many will disagree.Manipur is traumatized by so many issues and problems.

The Gazza strip / War-torn Afganistan / Iraq may be better than Manipur now. Atleast they have the international attention and everyone is keeping a tab. But, Manipur is secluded and hard to find has made everyone including the GOI and national media lose it's interest.

There are more than 39 militant groups fighting for sovereignty and other issues with no solution in sight. And, numerous broad daylight gangs.
Wide-scale human right violation both by the militants and police / army which is swept under the carpet almost everyday.
The State Government as well as opposition is known for corruption and it is rampant. Everywhere there is a percentage cut.
There is killing everyday.
The problem of Naga militancy is spilling over to Manipur with the demand of Greater Nagaland and illegal taxes in National Highway 39 which makes things very costly including the basic things. With no train connectivity things are worse when the Naga militants blocked the highway when their demands are not met which happens very frequently.
Education has gone worst. The number of candidates appearing of High school exam has dropped by more than 40% in last 5 years.The colleges are empty and building of the schools are crumbling.
Extortion and kidnapping is rampant.
The drugs and AIDS problem is also hitting hard due to porous international border due to which drugs are available easily.
More than half of the teenagers are addicted to some form of intoxications.
Bandhs / strike / protest happen almost every alternate days. Working days in Manipur is less than 150 days in a year.
The rich has become very riches and poor very poor. The divide is sharper now and very wide.
No water, electricity, road in Many places including in the main city.
and many more.

It won't be long before Manipur stands still and ceases everything.

But, the Central Government is a mute spectator including the national media. A human life in metro city is worth more than 10 lifes in Manipur. For them, what matter most is the so-called TRP.

In between all these things, the common man is hit hard the most. Things are very expensive and many times not available to buy in market. They have lose faith in the so-called Government. All they want is roti, kapra, makaan and peaceful existence. But, no one is hearing.

Look at the picture and you'll understand the hard facts of Manipur.

No Electricity, No Kerosene and candles are too expensive.
A mother helping her child preparing for her school exam in the light
from a burning firewood, in a village in Manipur

Tired !

2008-12-15T11:29:00.001+05:30

From the last few days I have started house hunting. Calling up the agents, meeting them and following to the houses where they are taking me. Still I haven't finalize yet and I know it's far from it. Many times the rent is always over-shooting my budget and at this point of time when there is long line of expenses I want to bargain to last pie. I don't know how lucky I'm gonna to be. But, one thing is sure wherever I take the house my travel time across the traffics, jams and crowds are going to increase tremendously. Mentally, I'm exhausted of taking all the possible permutations and combinations and at the same time worried. The more houses I look the sense of getting alienated from Mumbai is getting more and more and all of sudden I want to jump to cheaper cities where I can afford a better life.

I have also applied for office quarters. I'm pinning my last possible hope on it. I spoke to HR almost everyday since the day I applied to find out the chances and possibility of getting it. I told them if you don't take care of hygiene issues then I'll take care of myself. The message which I delivered to them is clear and loud - "My days is numbered if continued this way."

Now, some good things.

Last friday, the quality team had cleared my module which I was leading in conceptualizing and developing.
The guitar teacher patted me for my progression and shifted me to single batch of myself only so that he can focus more. He said I'm almost through except for few things which he said will be OK in few days if I continue to practice more.

But, mentally I'm exhausted and want to go for a long sleep without anything in mind.