Tits List

crap that shows up in my inbox

2009-10-16T12:00:00.004-04:00

So aside from my twittering, I've pretty much completely dropped being Tits McGee. Yet in spite of my almost total neglect of this blog, I still get about 300 hits a day (mostly from perverts who could use some help honing their search terms or who haven't yet discovered Google Image search) and some of those people like to write to me. Here are a few recent missives.

1) Can i view more picture of your body

That one was sent via mobile text message. Imagine how disappointed the sender would be if I'd texted back some mobile pix of my cellulite, stretch marks, and hairy armpits. Mmm...sexting.

2) Greetings. Somehow I stumbled upon your site. Would you kindly enlighten me. Maybe there is some kind of generation gap--I'm almost 62--but I'm confused. Or maybe I just don't get it. You are beautiful. That much I understand. You are a teacher? If so, that's great. But then I see all the other stuff. "What's wrong with this picture?" as they say. Nothing wrong with any sexually-related stuff, but how can you mix that with teaching? Your students know of your site? Please...Tell me what I'm missing, Tits McGee.

Yes, I put the url on my syllabus each semester. Also, I am impressed with your ability to understand how beautiful I am given that the only pictures of me on this blog are of my boobs.

3) Sooooo...... the spouse is telling me about a girl where she works who's had a boob-job. She's saying they've been calling this girl "Tits McGee" and have now shortened the name to "McGee." She knows this is a familiar name and wants me to look up the origin on the internet. I jump on this and find the Anchorman reference pretty quick..... but guess what else I find .....YOUR BLOG PROFILE!!!

Your profile is interesting in many ways and brings to mind several questions. Here they are now:

1. Is that really a picture of you? If so, were you ever on TV in the 80's?

2. Were you really a slut? If so, don't you feel that you've retired a little early at 34?

3. Do you like questions from strangers? If so, do you like them have secondary questions embedded in them?

Please get back to me on these soon. I'm on a hunger strike until they are answered and, at 5'11" and 140 lbs.already, time is of the essence.

1) Yes, and yes. And now, in addition to this blog, I write books about how Jesus wants you to spank your children.

2) Yes, and yes, but adultery is grossbuckets so I'm SOL.

3) No, and no, yet here I am responding all the same, when I really ought to be taking advantage of my day off by catching up on grading papers.

You may be dead by now, given that you sent that email about a month ago. If so, I apologize. Also, I am compelled to note that you refer to your wife as "the spouse." Stay classy!

In other news, it's my birthday on Monday and I'm turning 35. I find this extraordinarily depressing and plan to run away to the big city the following weekend to hide in Bosom Buddy's apartment and smoke weed and giggle until I pass out. Send cake and porn.

pain don't hurt

2009-09-14T20:17:00.002-04:00

RIP Patrick.

rip bea

2009-04-25T18:43:00.003-04:00

Rest in peace, Bea Arthur, you glorious woman. Nothing will ever be the same without you.

::scampers back to hidey hole::

top five excuses for my extended absence, since some of you have been kind enough to inquire

2009-03-22T18:54:00.004-04:00

1) I'm fucking exhausted. All the time. I work two jobs, one of which is as a third year, full-time teacher. I average about sixty hours of work a week.

2) And when I'm not working, I'm busy spending time with my completely awesome kid, who just turned five even though she was only born, like, two minutes ago.

3) Twitter is a twenty-dollar-a-blowjob whore, while Blogger is a high-maintenance mistress who demands reciprocity. Hence, frequent Twittering and infrequent blogging.

4) I re-opened my Facebook account about a month ago, and am starting to like being on the Internet as myself. Maintaining an alter ego can get weird after a while, psychologically.

5) Especially given that that alter ego has been so breathlessly involved in such a torrid affair. I've been crazy in love with you for years now. But, here, we show each other only the best of ourselves. I need to inhabit my life more fully. Taking a break to live in the realm of flesh and blood and tears and sweat and anger and heartache and ugliness seems like the healthy thing to do.

Will I be back? The truth is, I don't know. You are the sweetest, kindest lover, and I miss you. Perhaps when summer comes and spirits and responsibilities are lifted, I'll be back. Until then, you'll find me tapping out 140-character missives and sometimes lurking around your corner of the blogiverse, checking up on you from time to time, and hoping you are well.

happy valentine's day

2009-02-14T00:00:00.000-05:00

the obamas are filthy perverts

2009-01-23T20:47:00.001-05:00

Via Boing Boing.

the future

2009-01-21T20:26:00.002-05:00

celebrate doctor king by serving your community

2009-01-19T11:08:00.002-05:00

what i've done tonight instead of grading papers

2009-01-11T19:21:00.007-05:00

1) Made a movie.

2) Laughed at the funny kitty.

3) Had a nerdgasm.

4) Went wild with jealousy. (Thanks, 'Coma!)

5) Buzzed with anticipation of tonight's Golden Globes. (No, not those golden globes, silly.)

resolved

2009-01-07T10:29:00.005-05:00

1) I have the best job in the world, and need to start work on my master's this year so I can keep it. I got a handmade card from one of my students just before break started and this is what it said:

Dear Ms. McGee,

You are by far my favorite teacher, and really make math understandable. It was always my least favorite class, and now I love it, although some people in class get on my nerves/put me in a bad mood, I still like class because I know that if I have a question you'll answer it and help me get what I'm doing.

Thanks for everything you've taught me so far. You're amazing. Happy Holidays!

-Blonde Girl in First Row

I've gotten a few cards like this every semester I've taught so far, so I guess I must be doing something right. Not only will grad school help me be a better teacher and allow me to keep my license, it will also increase my salary, which is good, because...

2) I need to get my finances in order. Hubby and I are in tens of thousands of dollars of debt and can't afford to buy a house until we drag ourselves out of it. I've already cut up all but one of the credit cards, done one balance transfer, and called all of our card companies to negotiate lower APRs. We've moved our checking account to a credit union that pays interest on checking accounts. We're cutting out takeout, and are contemplating cutting out cable. I'm sick and fucking tired of living paycheck to paycheck and this is the year that it changes.

3) I need to get my house in order, too. We're a filthy bunch of packrats over here and it's got to stop. My parents were terrible housekeepers and now I'm passing that on to my kid and it's fucking gross. I can do better.

4) I need to stop the self-abuse, and I don't mean masturbating. If anything, I should probably do more of that. I mean overeating and not exercising enough. I love healthy food as much as I love naughty food, so it's high time to start letting kale and beans make sweet love in my mouth and kick the butter and bacon fat to the curb for a little while. Don't worry - my boobs are always the last place I lose weight. As for exercise, we got WiiFit from my in-laws for Christmas, which is cool, but what I really need to do is start getting up earlier in the morning to do a half hour of stretching or yoga in addition to whatever other exercise I do. As much as I'm not a morning person, I am so much more present in my body when I take the time to start the day right, and that helps me keep motivated to make healthy choices the rest of the day.

5) This last one's the hardest for me, because I've been saying forever that I wouldn't do it until I could get an electric car and I still can't, but I'm going to get my driver's license this year. We're still going to try to make it work with just one car, but an unexpected and terrifically unpleasant extra night in NH over the holiday convinced me that what's best for my family is for me to be able to drive. Now hopefully with the economy tanking and Obama in office, the affordable electric car may not be too far behind.

Tell me, what have you resolved to do this year?

happy new year!

2009-01-01T00:11:00.001-05:00

rip eartha

2008-12-26T12:50:00.001-05:00

this can be the swayziest christmas of them all

2008-12-19T10:28:00.003-05:00

Since I can make no guarantees about my availability between now and the New Year, I leave you with what is arguably the finest Christmas hymn of all time.

xmas spirit

2008-12-07T10:49:00.004-05:00

I hate Christmas a little more each year. Luckily, I found a few things this weekend to put me in a holiday mood.

1) The best Christmas song ever.

2) The best Christmas tree ever.

3) The best masturbation video ever.

Oh, wait. That has nothing to do with Christmas. It's also completely NSFW and might make you go blind.

monday mèlange

2008-12-01T17:09:00.007-05:00

1) I just took that picture of this. If the sky is clear where you are, shortly after sunset, you should go outside and gaze at the majesty of the universe for a few minutes. It's good to feel small and insignificant.

2) If it's cloudy where you are or if the sun has yet to set there, go check out the dancing scientists instead. I'm not exactly sure how it will make you feel, but it sure made me happy.

3) Speaking of happy, as is my habit, I enjoyed a lovely Buy Nothing Day this year hanging out with the kid playing games and coloring all day in our pyjamas, so you might think I'd be supportive of an effort like this. The thing of it is, there's a much easier solution to the problem. TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING TELEVISION. You don't want your kid being marketed to? Great! Don't let your kid watch commercial television! Don't like your kid getting overstimulated in the toy aisle? Great! Don't take your kid down the toy aisle! Don't want your kid having unrealistic expectations about the volume of gifts they'll receive at Christmas? Great! Stop giving them so many fucking presents! Why is it anyone's responsibility but yours to protect your child from being marketed to? And really, looking to the advertising industry to espouse your values? C'mon. You know what my daughter wrote to Santa this year? "Dear Santa, I would like a diary, please. And please could I have the movie wall*e. And I really would like if you made me a rainbow canopy and a pink guitar like Mommy's and stickers. Also, please can you bring things to wonderful people like me who are not me." Between the dollar store and ebay, I was able to buy her all of those things for a total of roughly $50. Merry Christmas!

4) You know what will never be on my daughter's wish list? This. I'd get all ranty over that too, but it's territory well covered.

5) Finally, let us turn to one of my favorite topics: balls. Seriously, as much as I love having balls in my mouth, I really have no interest if they're detached. Besides, why not just eat of their fruit? And anyway, good ones are increasingly hard to find.

Did that leave a bad taste in your mouth? Go check out my Thanksgiving post over at the food blog.

a favor

2008-11-28T18:36:00.002-05:00

Care.

thankful - a partial list

2008-11-26T12:26:00.007-05:00

1) Less than two months left.

2) Sanity.

3) Science.

4) My work.

5) My family.

I am rich in every way that matters. I have spent too much time lately being crabby and sick and overextended, lamenting that which I don't possess and being overly critical of that which I do. It is ridiculous and futile and I should know better.

I hope each of you has the time and the good fortune tomorrow to slow down and appreciate all that you have. I hope that any of you possessing more than others might additionally take the time tomorrow to share your wealth with someone less fortunate.

At the very least, pause. Breathe. Give thanks. Know I am thankful for you.

i've got nothing

2008-11-17T19:52:00.002-05:00

Nothing but the best video ever, that is (via Boing Boing).

top 10 latest search terms

2008-11-10T19:37:00.004-05:00

It's been too long, hasn't it? I've been so diverted by the election that I've been neglecting all the freaky-ass pervs who stumble across my blog courtesy of Google. Let me begin to make it up to you with some crème de la skeev.

1) fucking my mom's tits all night long
2) undead tit photos
3) big christian tits
4) bring it on sex tits
5) my favorite tits
6) hot sweet potato tits
7) pissing fatty
8) vaginal hump day
9) tits in my pants
10) titty parade

post-election palate cleanser

2008-11-07T21:54:00.002-05:00

1) Big wave.

2) Fat kitty with a box.

3) I need a Plus Sized Woman (Around the Clock).

president obama

2008-11-05T00:31:00.004-05:00

I'm so proud of you, America.

i voted

2008-11-04T19:07:00.004-05:00

Did you? If you did, click here. If not, click here.

We've got the bubbly on ice over here and I'm giddy like a schoolgirl because this thing is going to be a landslide.

Now dance with me, baby.

vote

2008-11-03T18:30:00.005-05:00

My excitement about casting my vote for Barack Obama tomorrow is tempered tonight by the news of his beloved grandmother Madelyn Dunham's passing. My thoughts go out to Senator Obama and his family, and I would just like to say how grateful I am to her for helping to raise this beautiful man who will transform our nation and our world.

How do I feel right now? Like this.

happy halloween

2008-10-31T19:01:00.000-04:00