Matt Blog

Things, Stuff, And The Rest

2009-06-05T00:02:00.007+01:00

Well hey

Its now June. Not entirely sure where the last year went, but go it did. Its been a strange 12 months for me. Full of different emotions and events. I have found myself at a bit of a loss what to do for large periods, which I know from past experience living my life, is not a good thing for me.

I have done some things I regret, as I always do, I have done some things that I never thought I would and I have had some fun. And now looking back over this period of time I am trying to work it all out.

Conclusions? Not really. But I can say that I always used be proud of the fact, that I always acted in a logical way. Everything I did, I did for a clearly defined, logical reason. The problem I am faced with now though, is the fact that over the last year, most of what I have done, has left logic far behind. I have acted impulsively, with little thought for anyone or anything else. It is a strange feeling to have, one I haven't felt since I was 18.

Its time, I know, to reel it back in, but I have to be honest and say that it has been a strangely liberating time. As I have always said 'thinking too much fucks you up.' But what I have learnt over the last year is that 'not thinking enough also puts you in a similar situation.' (not quite as catchy I know)

I have made my bed and so I will lie in it. I am back to logical thinking but I know that although I am not perfect, neither is anyone else. And I can live with that. Time to draw a line in the sand and let the past be the past and look towards the future.

All in all, maybe I'm actually better off.

Time, as always, will tell, I guess.

Lates.

On My Way

2009-05-28T20:26:00.005+01:00

Its been over six months since my last post.

That's quite a long time.

I've been stuck in a position where I've been wanting to write something, but haven't been sure where to start and more importantly, where to end up.

Its been a pain, and I've got to the point now where I'm thinking, fuck it, I'll just start typing and keep going till I have finished.

I guess I should write about what's been on my mind for the last few months, but I'm not quite there yet. So for now, this pointless rant will have to do and will hopefully go some way to helping ease the feeling of blog inactivity that has been troubling me for a while.

Time will tell I guess

Sometimes

2008-11-11T01:16:00.003Z

Sometimes life works out how you expected it to. Sometimes it doesn't.

Neither of these is better all the time, cause sometimes you expect the worst and something excellent happens. And of course sometimes you expect everything will be cool and it ends in shit.

Within me there has always been a battle between the optimistic and pessimistic sides of my (for lack of a better word) soul. Sometimes, such as during my time as a student, the optimistic side was on top, at others, such as (unsurprisingly), immediately after I left university, my pessimistic side has been in ascendency.

But I don't tend to swing so noticeably from one to the other, I usually have 'O' days and 'P' days every now and again and spend the rest of the time in a state I've just decided as pessimistically optimistic.

Now, for various reason, some completely out of my control, others very much a result of my actions, I find myself pretty firmly in the realm of the pessimist.

Its not always a bad place to be. You often find yourself shielded from disappointments, because you are already expecting them when they arrive. But its not a great way to live your life.

It has to be said that this is an amazing world. It is as much full of wonders, excitements and beauty as it is full of despair, pain and the rest, perhaps more so. But living as a pessimist often means you don't see these things, or you ignore them when they come your way, choosing instead to look at the negatives rather than the positives.

I have a light at the end of my tunnel. I can see my life after pessimism. I'll get through it and move on, of that I have no doubt. So maybe the pessimistic side hasn't completely taken control!

And I wish the same for everyone else who is feeling they are on the 'P' side.

Strangely this post started off going in a completely different direction. Funny how your sub-conscious takes over every now and again when you aren’t paying attention!

Lates.

Regrets?

2008-10-28T16:13:00.002Z

There are those who say that life is too short for regrets. I think that's bollocks. I mean, I don't think you should get obsessed by your regrets and let them take over your life, but I do think regrets are important for everyone.

They should guide your life. Be they small regrets like 'I should not have stayed up so late on a School night' or massive regrets that make you sick in your stomach when you think about them.

I'm a firm believer in learning from my mistakes and I have made some fucking huge ones. I wont dismiss them as par for the course, I will worry about them, and I will dissect them to ensure I don't repeat them.

By far the worst thing about mistakes is the effect they have on others. It’s the lack of thought towards other people that really sickens me about my mistakes. But wallowing in self-pity is not the answer. You make a mistake; you have to deal with it. Regret it, rebuild bridges, re-earn trust and learn from it.

And apologise as much as you can.

I'm sorry.

What, Where, Who, How And Why

2008-10-04T00:43:00.002+01:00

Well its now October. Not sure where the last couple of months have gone.

Seems to me that the winter seems to creep up on us these days. After the summer has completely failed to show its face that is.

Its starting to get colder, the sun is going down earlier and earlier and the clocks haven't even gone back yet.

Its three weeks till half term, and I am really looking forward to getting away from here for a week.

Life is a confusing animal. I have always been a person who is very good at adapting to my circumstances. Who will just get on within the situation I find myself. But I've got to a point where I've had enough of it. I no longer want to just survive half happily in an environment I feel I don't belong.

But the main problem I am faced with, is that I doubt my ability to do anything about this. I worry that I may just keep my head down, doing nothing, living the easy life.

Cos that's the thing, its so much easier to just go with the flow, just accept life as it is and do nothing about it, for doing something about, it takes effort and I'm not sure I will be arsed to produce it. A fantastic friend of mine has escaped. She had a goal, a light at the end of her tunnel, and she was determined to reach it.

But I'm not convinced that I have that determination. And that concerns me. I guess time will tell eh?

I’ll let you know.

Lates.

Matt

Jumping Or Falling?

2008-08-05T23:12:00.002+01:00

That's the question I'm debating.

Having left teaching after four and a something years for a seven month break from the education sector before I return to it in September, I have been thinking about the choices we make in life and the reasons behind them.

Some people are lucky enough to know exactly want they want to do with their lives early on. Whether that is a purely money based career path, a satisfaction and excitement based lifestyle, or even just a loafing around enjoying themselves as much as they can route, these people have goals, and dreams, they can look to the future and state 'that is where I want to be in ten years.' I envy these people to some extent. They are definitely on the jumping side of this debate. They make conscious decisions with their end plan as a basis.

I'm much more of the falling kind. I had no idea want I wanted to do with my life, and am still not 100% convinced. I fell in to teaching due to a lack of anything else to do. Now don't get me wrong, I love a lot about teaching and my time at my previous School contained some of the best times of my life. I am also really looking forward to the challenge that September will bring. But I have these niggling doubts every now and then, a little voice in my head that asks 'Do you really want to be doing this for the rest of your working life?'

Now. I quite understand that I'm being a little over dramatic here. Because who hasn't at one point in their lives asked that same question? My concern is that if the answer becomes NO! then I may well be completely screwed.

Anyway. Enough of that. I was thinking the same question can apply to the relationships we have, although the lines are not so distinct. There are couples who, together, jump wholeheartedly into relationships with clear joint goals in mind. They build their lives around each other and these targets. I know a few couples like this and they are fantastic. That is not to say however that relationships like these always work. Sadly they often don't. People and situations are forever evolving and what may have originally been one goal will often split into two that can pull couples apart.

Then are times when people will fall into relationships, for such reasons as loneliness, boredom, dissatisfaction or just the need to be loved. It might be the quick fix for something that's not working, or may be a way to escape a difficult situation. These can often be intense, heated and passionate. A flash grenade to the 'jumpers' maglite, they will often explode. But having said that, conversely, they can develop into something exceptional and long lasting (controlled forest fire? maybe not!).

Finally (in my simplistic rule book anyway), there is the mix of the two. On one side someone ready to jump into a solid relationship and on the other a 'faller', someone who not really looking for anything but finding themselves drawn in by the feeling or hope that this may help them escape wherever they currently find themselves. Now I'm sure that relationships like this must work out at times. But I would say that for the most part they are doomed to fail. Not to say that they cannot be passionate, exciting and comforting for both sides, but there is surely an immediate conflict of interests, two forces pulling in different directions. And when they tear themselves apart they is the possibility of great damage for both sides.

I have experienced all of these types of relationship, and I have to say that I only regret being the faller to a jumper. If that makes any sense then good work you!

This post has pretty much run away with itself. Apologies if you have read it all, because I suspect you are now thinking you've just wasted precious minutes reading a bunch of tosh.

Nevermind eh?

There's always tomorrow.

Maybe tomorrow...

Time And How We Spend It

2008-07-07T21:19:00.002+01:00

Its been five and bit months since I last posted on here. I'm worse than even The Floop seems to be at the moment.

Been thinking about what has happend since 23rd January. Depending on how you look at it, either not much or crap loads.

It supposed to be summer now, and although as I am writing this I have my back door open, it has been pishing it down for the last few hours. I'm getting quite sick of the crap weather in this country. Think I need to get away somewhere hot for a while.

I've been back in New Ash Green now for nearly eight years, and decided to put a cap on it at ten. By then I'm gonna be gone. Decision made and now its out there so it just gonna have to happen.

A Quicky

2008-01-23T00:30:00.000Z

Just to let anyone who doesn't / didn't know that Tottenham Hotspurs beat the gooner scum (that's Arsenil to anyone who is confused / a girl) 5-1 tonight.

And also to let you know that I am very happy.

Lates.

Matt The Hat.

Fork, Crossroads or Precipice

2008-01-15T00:25:00.000Z

There are times in your life that involve choices. Some of them that involve very simple decisions such as, 'Shall I go to the pub and have a beer' or 'What shall I wear today', but there are also others that are far more complex such as, 'Is it all worth it?' and 'Shall I keep going, or shall I give up?'

Decisions are difficult at the best of times. But if your judgement is clouded either by trivial things such as being drunk, or more pressing issues such as 'What do I actually want to do with my life?' then they can become a serious obstacle that sometimes you don't think you can overcome.

I'm not sure what the answer to this problem is. I guess I have always tried to work out what will make me the happiest, or what will give me the most satisfaction, but then I often end up deciding on that which will make me happiest in the short term and decide to ignore the future.

Its a fucker of a problem. Because taking the easy way out has often been my philosophy, but from personal experience I can tell you that eventually you get to a point where you have to say enough is enough - I have to think about the future and hope its not too late.

I think what we all need is someone very wise that we can speak to. Someone that has done it all, made all the mistakes but has lived to tell the tale, and has also found their way eventually. And you know what? One day I’d like to be that person. But time will tell as it always does.

Lates.

CD Comp Part One

2007-12-24T14:04:00.001Z

So I've got myself another Christmas CD.

I know you don't care, but here is the first half.

1. Half The World Away - Oasis.
I have loved this song for quite a few years and I may well have shoved it on one of my other Christmas CDs but Freck it I don't care.

2. Go To Hell - David Ford.
This is off Mr Ford's new album and it rocks my serious socks off. Full of passion and life. I love it.

3. Elvis Ain't Dead - Scouting For Girls.
This song is one I love and it reminds me of a place I've been to. 'I wish It Was Me'

4. Think About It, Think Think About It.
What can I say about the Fight Of The Conchords? They rock in all the right places. Long live them!

5. I Wasn't Built To Get Up - The Supernaturals.
There is not much I need to say about this tune. It may as well have been written about me.

6. Forever Young - Youth Group.
This Song was recommended to me by Mr Chalkey-McChalk. Its a great song about getting older and not wanting to, about wanting to live forever, and this is something I can relate to.

7. Let Me Out - Ben's Brother.
Not entirely sure how or why I found Ben's Brother, but he/they are very cool. This song is my favourite off of their album.

8. Everything I've Got - Iain Archer.
Saw this fella at Greenbelt this year and he was very cool. This is a great song, very mellow, very cool.

9. Nowhere Man - The Beatles.
I have loved this song for as long as I can remember. It is classic Beatles and it makes me smile.

END

Mortality.

2007-11-26T23:08:00.000Z

Well it has been a strange weekend.

I went to Manchester on Friday and had a good time there.

Then at about half seven on Sunday evening, I found out that a guy who I went to School with had died.

He didn't even do anything stupid like drink drive or overdose on whatever. He just died of, from what I understand, was natural causes. He was a really nice bloke and he will be hugely missed.

His death got me thinking, unsurprisingly, about my own mortality, and the fact that I am apparently no longer immortal. This is not a good thing as I have lived the last twenty plus years assuming that I was actually going to live forever.

Things like this tend to put your life into perspective. It makes you think, about how you interact with people, about those times when you've been regrettably harsh to someone, and about those times when you wanted to say something to someone, but didn't.
Now living your life as if anyone and everyone is about to die any minute is not a productive way to exist, but I think there is definitely something to be said for treating everyday people like you may never see them again.

I am nearly thirty years old. But I will get there and I will get slowly older everyday, but my friend wont. He will stay 29 for many years until the last person who knew him leaves this world. There are a lot of people missing him right now.

Lates.

Man Chest eh?

2007-11-26T23:05:00.000Z

Well my car didn't get torched whilst I was there so that's a bonus.

It was a good weekend and fun was had by all.

I may well add some pictures to this post at some point.

But not today.

Lates.

The Last Time.

2007-11-23T19:15:00.001Z

I'm hoping for a better time in Manchester this time.

Fingers Crossed.

Reality Television.

2007-11-21T23:44:00.000Z

So I watched England’s pitiful display tonight. I didn't turn the game on till fifteen minutes gone, by which time it was already 2-0 to Croatia. I decided I was gonna stay in and watch the game at home rather than going to the club. I then promptly fell asleep and didn't properly wake up till half time.

After the break I started to get into the game, slowly moving towards the edge of my seat and by the time we got the (not a) penalty I was standing right in front of the tele. As soon as the penalty went in I ran to the club (apparently my month and a half non-smoking has had an affect) and watched the rest of the game there.

Bollocks is all I can say. England always do this to me. They worry the shit out of me, then they convince me they’ve got it in the bag and I relax and think all is going to be ok. then they just freck with my head and it all goes to shitezen.

So bollocks to all that.

Anyway the reason for this post is that after the game I was in the club and on the tele was the most recent shockingly bad reality television programme, hosted by Tit and Dick or some such.

This got me thinking about reality TV in general and this is when I had my revelation, or epiphany if you'd prefer. it goes like this.

'I'm a Z-list celebrity, please don't slaughter me'

The Concept: A group of has been / wanna-be celebrities and dropped off in the jungle and have to interact with each other for a week. At the end of the week the viewing public decide which of the group will be entered into the 'running man' style game, where the chance of survival is about ten percent.

If they die, they are shredded and are sprayed over the remaining 'contestants' However, if they survive they are moved onto the promised land or the 'Island' as it is sometimes called. This however is main 'DRAW' for the audience. Because if they survive the game they are drugged, or 'put to sleep' and then sliced up by our expert but eternally angry chief, then feed back to the remaining contestants as they next few meals.

To be fair the subsequent seasons of the show will have to be named 'I'm a z-list celebrity please don't slaughter me then feed me to my new friends' but I think it'll be a huge hit.

Lates

The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down

2007-11-16T12:26:00.000Z

Way back when, myself, Si and Matt went to Newcastle to celebrate Matt's 21st.

This is a rather nice picture of us in a car on our way there. Unfortunately the car was travelling at 100mph and the photographer was in fact a speed camera.

This was quite irritating as you can imagine.

5 points and a £220 fine later, I thought I'd post the picture for all to see.

P.S. Bonus points to anyone who can reference the title of this post.

My Finger

2007-11-16T12:06:00.000Z

Nice ain't it?

Managed to dislocate it Saturday before last playing football. Fortunately the hospital was a one minute drive from the pitch so that was handy. Took them over an hour to pop it back into place, which was somewhat irritating to say the least.

Have now had two weeks off work but am getting pretty bored so will be returning on Monday. Am dying to play football but I think I'll give it another couple of weeks before I try that.

Means I'll just have to get pished tonight instead I suppose.

Lates.

There Is No Title Fit For A Post Such As This

2007-11-15T16:20:00.000Z

It has been over five months since my last addition to this insightful and some might say ground breaking account of the life and times of I, your humble (some say amazingly so)author.

I have been led back to here from where I was by a number of factors which I will not mention just now, but that are sure to feature in upcoming posts I would imagine.

Now, I would think you are now expecting a brief paragraph or four on what I have done and achieved over the last five months, but that just is not possible. For I have been busy, far too busy for just a few lines of inspired prose. So instead I thought I would give you a brief list of the things I haven't done in the last five months, which of course will be much easier for me to write and for you to read.

In the last five months I have not.....

1. Escaped gravity. I am still its prisoner.

2. Walked 500 miles and then walked 500 more. Couldn't see the point.

3. Managed to ban all reality TV. Come the revolution....

That's about it. Everything else you can just assume I've done. It makes your lives easier and I know that's important to you.

I shall leave you now and I shall return at some point that I can confidently say will be this century.

Lates.

Check It Out

2007-11-14T13:21:00.000Z

Lie f

2007-06-01T00:36:00.000+01:00

It’s a funny one eh?

I sometimes think that the worst thing ever is to live an uninteresting, boring life. But I can sympathise with those who state that a bit of monotonous, dull living would be a welcome change.

I suppose it all comes down to where you are in your life and what you really want. There are those that want a bit more excitement to spice up their lives, but equally, there are also those who have reached a point where a bit of quiet is exactly what they require.

There's always that grass is always greener cliché to roll out at times like these, but I think it is, like most clichés, not particularly helpful.

Everything, I suppose comes down to the middle ground; Being in a place where you need no more excitement or no more quiet in your life. For those of you in this situation, I must say there are many out there who envy you. You must share your secrets with the rest of us.

This is the end of another pointless piece of waffle, brought to you by me.

Lates.

Matt.

Start & Finish

2007-05-30T00:09:00.000+01:00

I'm in one of those retrospective, introspective, extrospective, futrospective moods that I am sometimes prone to.

Been thinking recently about beginnings and endings. From the relatively unimportant such as seasons and breaks from work, to the important such as life.

Eras. That’s what I’ve really been thinking about. You don’t really seem to think about the beginning of an era. You always talk about the end of an era. I suppose that’s because its so much easier to define the end rather than the beginning.

There are many era ends that people go through. The end of childhood is, I suppose the one that hits us all. That time when we are no longer excited about the presents that Santa’s gonna bring us, and when we start to realise that our parents aren’t all conquering omnipotent forces. Eventually we come to realise that we are not in actual fact immortal and that we may actually die. I’m nearly there I promise.

There are also other ends. For me a big one was the end of University life. That point when I realised that I was no longer to be surrounded by hundreds of ‘friends’ and that I had to move into the ‘real’ world and get a job. That was a difficult one for me. I really struggled with the adjustment. When I moved back in with my parents I thought I was going to go mad within a week.

But its interesting how we just seem to adapt to our circumstances and find something, maybe strength, maybe patience, maybe just plain acceptance, that will get us through the change.

The end of relationships is another one that I have found difficult in the past. I suppose, depending how it ends, that it’s the fact that its such a huge change to your life that makes it so difficult. You go from living your life with and for another person with them doing the same, to it all suddenly changing. You no longer have this other person to wander through your life with. You no longer have any rights over them and they over you. It’s a very weird feeling, and something that has taken a lot of getting used to in the past.

But the thing I find most interesting is, however hard all these ends of eras have been. I have gotten past them, and I have moved on. I no longer get sad about the fact that I know that Father Christmas isn’t really coming on Christmas Eve, and I have accepted that I’m no longer a 19 year old student. And I’m happy with it. I think it all seems so hard at the time because, as I’ve said, the beginnings of new eras aren’t as easily noticeable as the ends. And I think people sometimes get so caught up with the ends that they completely fail to notice that a new stage of life is upon them, that has the potential to be better than anything beforehand.

There’s a saying that goes ‘You don’t know what you’ve got till its gone.’ And I think it’s often true, but I also think it doesn’t always have to be. Look around you, take in your surroundings, and the people who are there with you. And not always, but definitely sometimes, life might seem a little better for it.

End Of Waffle.

Lates.

Matt The Hat.

Half Term

2007-05-26T15:12:00.000+01:00

Hoorah.

Tis week off work time again.

On the down side, my head really hurts.

It was the tequila shots wot dun me in guv.

I have had fried egg sandwiches and they have done me the world of good.

Or is it 'a world of good'?

I'm not sure.

Does it really matter?

I don't know.

Why am I conversing with myself?

Not a clue.

Will anyone mind?

Someone always does.

Shall I stop typing now?

I think it would be for the best.

Nearly Time To Go Back To Work

2007-04-12T17:16:00.000+01:00

Well the two week Easter break is nearly over.

Seems to have flashed past so fast. Always the way I suppose. The boring, hard worky things seem to drag on and on and the fun, lazy, enjoyable things fly by.

Just had an excellent extended Easter weekend. Went to Liverpool for the first time, met some really nice people and got very pished. Then went down to Birmingham from there to go out on the beers with Ben and David, which was cool. Then went to Swindon for lunch and to meet up with Adam and Waka and little Elias, which was really cool.

Managed to avoid serious hangover issues all weekend, then went to see 3DBs Down last night, and got up this morning with what felt like seven days worth of hangovers in one. Not good, but hey, rather now than then I suppose.

I now have to get on with doing shed loads of work which is never fun at the best of times.

Lates.

Look What I Done Now.

2007-04-12T17:01:00.000+01:00

Got bored.

Did this.

No I am not a geek.

Lates

Look What I Done

2007-03-08T19:48:00.000Z

These are some of the albums I own.

I'm not going to tell you how long this took me.

Lates.

Matt.

A Quick One

2007-03-08T00:11:00.000Z

Leg End.

Nuff Said