It's Foreign on this Side

2008-07-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

i changed my blog. this one is mostly about india and now my life is very different from the way it was then. so, here's the new one!

hmm...it won't display the link. another good reason to switch to wordpress. ok, here is the address. juliejames.wordpress.com. it will take a little more effort to type it in than just clicking it. sorry.

confessions of a job searcher

2008-07-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

time for my usual 'every now and then' blog. we've been busy trying to wrap up our time in missouri and get ready for our coming adventure in dc. i feel like we're as prepared as we can be, which is uncharacteristic of me. i'm not sure i've ever felt prepared for anything. maybe jared makes me a little more grounded. or maybe i'm in denial.

we have a tiny little apartment on capitol hill. i have only lived three places in my life: richland, shawnee, and the himalayas. capitol hill is a big jump for me. but yes, we are literally ten minutes away from union station and paying dearly for such a great location. what surprises me is that i'm very comfortable in dc despite my small town-ness. i know the metro system really well. i have finally figured out the stupid quadrants the whole city is divided in. as far as cities go dc is very manageable.

i actually just returned from dc. i flew out on a whim for three different job interviews. my dear friend, jessie, and i both crashed with suzanne and we had a great time. jessie was nice enough to walk with me to my different interviews and it was such a blessing to have someone to process everything with. she is also looking for jobs in dc and we are very much in the same boat. we lived together for a year in college and used to build forts in our apartment. whenever we got stressed we would hide in our forts and eat apples and peanut butter. how good of the Lord to bring us back together and give us each other during this time. i'm not sure what His plan is for us but i can't help but hope we end up being neighbors on capitol hill.

as for the jobs--well, i can honestly say i have worked very hard to find a job. i had three wonderful interviews and would be happy to have any of those jobs, but the decision is out of my hands. of course, nothing can make you feel like a loser faster than job rejection... even so, i know i am not a loser. i put on a power suit and trudged through the humid air to put myself on the line on the tenth floor of ritzy office buildings. i was nervous but it was still a piece of cake compared to trekking through ice and snow alongside poor donkeys until my feet turned blue. the hard thing is how easy it is to forget all that now that i'm heading towards washington. for some reason i feel like i should naturally transition from mountain girl to top notch non profit executive.

pride comes in both a sari and a power suit. and i don't want any part of it. i will feel disappointed if none of these jobs work out but i will keep looking. i will choose to be satisfied with what the Lord provides because He knows what is best for jared and me. so if any of you hear me complain about my employment (or lack thereof) PLEASE smack me in the head and tell me i didn't live in the third world for no reason. remind me that so many in the country i love will never have a chance to work at all.

well, thank you for reading my thoughts sans pictures. i have a cute one of suzanne, jessie, and me but i forgot my camera cord. and dang it, kelley, i just remembered i never sent you that picture of us. and i KNOW you did not forget because that is how you are :) i shall send it soon!

please come visit us in dc. we will be there in two weeks!

life and rest and joy and peace

2008-05-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

now that the wedding has come and gone life can slow down right? not exactly! we came back from our new england honeymoon, went back to work for a couple of weeks, and then made the long drive to the east coast to check out our new city! we also went to lindsay's graduation and visited a lot of jared's family and friends (along with my dear friend, kelley caskey!). i have good pictures to share but can't upload them at the present time. besides the point of this particular post is really not to give you a play by play of our current roadtrip. and as kelley says, the blog world doesn't particularly care if you went to target, ate really good hummus, or watched your brother's rock band (although i do have some spectacular footage of that event).

it's been nearly ten months since i left india and certain changes in myself are just now becoming evident. i think so much of what we call 'change' is actually adaptation. for example i thought my two years overseas would forever change the way i grocery shopped, but the truth is i adapted rather quickly. after a couple of weeks i no longer felt overwhelmed in the cereal aisle and i re-learned how to use the microwave. change, however, lingers even after everything else has fallen into place. change is remembering how you used to feel about certain things and wonder why you no longer feel the same way.

we are moving to dc in less than two months. we've been actively looking for apartments. jared is registered for his fall classes and i am job searching. i've made some connections, i've put some applications in, and i'm continuing to look for opportunities that i will be a good fit for (and will hopefully pay our ginormous monthly rent). job searching is like fishing and job searching in dc while you live in missouri is like fishing on a really bad day. i have some options, but seriously doubt i will secure anything until we move up there, which is a tough but good thing for someone who likes to get things done as soon as possible. i need to learn patience.

my job search has shown me i have a much different view of myself than i used to. although i'm being as proactive as possible i can't help but feel a little bit of tension as i pour through job listings. i like to work hard and believe that i can do the things many of them require, but many of the descriptions are looking for someone who is 'top notch' or 'savvy' or 'sophisticated.' how can i sell myself as any of those things? it's hard to feel sophisticated when i spent two years shivering in yak wool and throwing up half my food because i had so many parasites. i could hardly call myself savvy after stumbling through broken hindi just to buy bread and vegetables in the market. and how can i possibly feel top notch after living among the world's absolute poor, sick, and dying--especially when so many of them offered me the best they had. the truth is that i have a much different set of eyes now than i did when i interned in dc in college. i guess it's better to not be overly ambitious or self-assured, but i do want to have the confidence i need to perform well in whatever position i have.

jared is much more laid back about the upcoming changes. he thinks that i put too much pressure on myself and he is probably right. i remember a quote i read during a devotional time in india that said, 'are you more comfortable in activity than you are in abiding.' this is definitely true of me and i have long since prayed that God will help me be a person of peace. a few days ago i was playing some hymns on the piano (i don't really play the piano but i can read music and i enjoy trying to play even though i'm not very good) and i was moved by the third verse of 'tis so sweet to trust in jesus.' so, for all you people out there who struggle to be peaceful i hope this verse will speak to you the way it does to me.

tis so sweet to trust in jesus
just from sin and self to cease
just from jesus simply taking
life and rest and joy and peace

amen to that! i don't know when i'll blog again but before i bring this one to an end i want to share my favorite wedding picture with you.

It's A Wedding Blog!!!

2008-04-26T16:22:00.001-07:00

Jared and I have been married all of three weeks now and, well, what kind of girl doesn't blog about her own wedding? You have to forgive me--we live with my grandma now and she doesn't have internet. By now you with facebook have probably already seen most of these pictures but I wanted to put some on here anyway.

When I first started planning our wedding I had a vision of keeping it a small and simple affair. I think a lot of that came from my own personal doubts that a lot of people would actually come, not because people don't like us but because so many of our friends and family live out of town/state. In this day of rising prices and the horrible airline industry (see post below) I didn't expect people to travel all the way to Richland, which is not the easiest place in the world to get to. BUT, God showered grace upon us like a thunderstorm--SO many people came to our wedding! I was a millimeter away from becoming a sobbing, slobbery mess the whole time because I was so moved by the love God, our family, and all our friends have for us.

It was perfect. Minus a few special people almost everyone was there. I kept looking around thinking 'Is this really happening?' The week of the wedding had been the usual volatile Missouri spring with an hour of sunshine followed by an hour of torrential rain and hail. But praise the Lord the weekend was lovely (for the most part). I picked up my India girls on Thursday and we had a pizza party that night with Jared's friends and both our families. Then the girls watched Bride and Prejudice while the amazing April did our henna. We all knew April was good, but she really out did herself--everyone was amazed, as they should have been, by her genius.

Friday morning all my friends had a personal shower for me at this little restaurant called The Blue Onyon (which is where my wallet was recovered two weeks after the wedding...see post below). It was so fun! I had friends from all stages of life there and it was nothing short of hilarious and incredible. I wish I could tell you more, but come on, it was a PERSONAL shower... That afternoon was pure chaos in the best sense of the word. We decorated the church and the gym and everyone was amazing and a huge help, but it was a lot of work! My parents were the stars of the show. They worked so hard! My dad, fortunately he's a lightbulb guy, managed to string these lights across the gym with the help of some other guys. He was practically subhuman through the whole thing. It seemed like there were five of him running around, which is pretty normal if you know my dad. It was my mom's idea to get matching tables and chairs so that made everything look much better than it would have if we'd used the ones already there--good call mom! Even though it was crazy i wouldn't change a thing. i had such a great time and felt so special that so many people were willing to help.

Friday night was the rehearsal and the dinner. jared's parents worked really hard to make it special. ruby tuesday's catered and we had a special video with all our pictures. we expanded the dinner to include more than the wedding party--all our relatives and out of town friends were there. our friends shared special stories about us and then chesed surprised us with a song she and alicia wrote (with a little help from jared's friends) and it was all i could do to keep from losing it! if there was ever a moment where you felt like saying, 'look at me, i am LOVED,' that was it!

the actual wedding day was really fun. everyone told me to slow down and enjoy it but i couldn't focus on anything. getting ready and taking pictures kind of feels like a blur now, although i do remember wishing i had worn more comfortable shoes. the ceremony was great! we wanted it to be a spiritual and reverent time, and it really was everything we hoped it would be. i was so glad we wrote our own vows because they really seemed to communicate what we wanted them to--so many people have asked for copies of our vows! we wanted everyone to know that we were there because God was good to us and gave us what we didn't deserve and He's the One who deserved to be celebrated--not us. i think most people got that from our ceremony so what more could we ask for? we had a lovely reception and i spent the majority of it walking around taking pictures and talking to people. i didn't realize i hadn't busseled my dress until about halfway through--boy did walking get a lot easier after that!

it may sound cheesy but i really feel like i had the wedding of my dreams. God has given jared and me such a neat story and i'm so glad we were able to celebrate it with so many loved ones. everything was so beautiful and i wouldn't change a thing. i might change losing my wallet and almost getting kicked out of the airport on the first day of our honeymoon, but that would really be the only thing! in case you read my previous blog and were wondering...we did make it to our final destination and had a great time. more about that later!

as for right now...we are preparing for our move to dc! in a couple of weeks we will be in nc for lindsay's graduation and then we are going up to dc to apartment hunt. our most exciting news at the moment is that jared just received a scholarship from american that covers most of his tuition! praise God! we weren't expecting him to get anything because it was getting late but the Lord surpassed our expectations once again! i guess i'm not too surprised though--my husband is pretty smart. and he worked in mother theresa's home in calcutta and what university doesn't like stuff like that? right now i am in the process of job searching. i actually just applied for my first job today, which i'm very underqualified for, but hey, dream big right? i have found a few jobs that are a little more realistic and will apply for those next week. pray for me! ...or hire me if you are an employer in the dc area :)

2008-04-06T10:07:00.000-07:00

i got married yesterday...yay! so why on earth am i blogging? good question. we're supposed to be in boston right now, but thanks to the continual degradation of customer service and real freedom in america we're stuck in the kansas city airport. i hate this airport because the security team is always terribly rude and anal (way beyond the norm--and i've been in a lot of airports), today it surpassed anything i've experienced before.

due to the craziness of the wedding i accidentally misplaced my driver's license.
i decided to use my passport instead since it's a valid id and i've used it a million times before both in america and overseas. i was stopped at security so they could examine my passport. jared and i stood over to the side while more and more 'officials' came to check it out. then they came over to me and said that since my passport has tape in it they were concerned it wasn't valid. by tape i don't mean masking tape or duct tape--i mean a clear seal placed in the passport by the united states government. i got my passport amended a couple of years ago. there are two different stamps stating the official amendement, as well as the date it occurred. i informed security of all this, but they continued to call more people, including the police, to check it out. at that point i started to get frustrated. i'm a very calm person, but i was slightly annoyed at being accused of passport tampering. i am not proud to say my demeanor became a little disagreeable. you see, i usually fail to be assertive in situations like this and i'm later mad at myself for not taking a stand. however, when i do express my anger i get emotional and cry, which later makes me feel bad too.

after awhile another guy came and told me i should get a new passport because mine is a little worn on the top edge. i was like, 'hello, you looked through it. can you not see how much it has been used? it's amazing it looks as good as it does. it isn't damaged or anything.' then a police officer came over and told me that everyone was just doing their jobs. he said that i should be glad that the airport cared enough to look into a passport with tape on it. i told him that this was anything but courteous and the real problem was that they didn't have a clue what an amended passport looks like. he replied 'we know what an amended passport is. if we didn't know the passport had been amended we'd be hauling you off in handcuffs.' i almost laughed. seriously? handcuffs? you would think it was an episode of law and order. but the main thing is that he was lying--if they knew what an amended passport looked like, heck, if they could READ the official stamp inside the passport, then none of this would have been an issue. by this point i was in tears (lovely, jules) and i know everyone felt bad for jared because he was stuck with a crazy woman. we were both subjected to a full search and so was all of our stuff. meanwhile, the gate was calling our name but the security team made no effort to help us make our flight. we missed it. after it was all over and they decided that i was actually a law abiding citizen with a valid id they told us, 'i hope this doesn't ruin your honeymoon.' No--public humiliation, being accused of passport tampering, and being delayed four additional hours should just roll right off my back.

my personal opinion is that a passport is much more valid than other kinds of id. it's a federal document, belong to the us of a--not me or pompous kci airline security. the problem is that airline security can treat people however they want and say , 'we're just trying to keep people safe.' safe from what? i've flown all over the world. it used to be easy. in this day and age, however, i have to throw away water bottles and sunscreen, have my body shot with air pockets to check for chemical residue, strip down to my last layer of clothing, and be publicly accused of illegal tampering all in the name of safety. it's completely ridiculous. i want airlines to take precautionary measures, but i think we're going way too far. if someone wants to commit a terrorist act they always find a way to do it. in the meantime, law abiding and paying customers are being subjected to terrible violations and customer service.

ok--i am finished now. i think we just may be headed to boston soon...assuming they let me on the plane.

***disclaimer
i've used my passport in a lot of us airports and kci is the only one that gave me trouble. but it's only because they're an airport that 'cares.'

i, julie, take thee, jared...

2008-03-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

there's a rather mercurial spring rain falling outside. it began as a refreshing shower, the kind where the sun still shines through the clouds, and is now hitting my window as though it was shot from the sky with an angry pellet gun. such is missouri weather. i wouldn't mind so much except i'm trying to write my wedding vows. jared and i assumed we'd just find some off the internet, but we should've known better. we're both way too particular about the words we say (especially when it's a vow!) to just copy and paste them. alas, we decided to write them. so here i am trying to concentrate and pretend that it doesn't sound like my house is about to blow away.

i did come across some interesting stuff while researching wedding vows. they have all different kinds now: christian traditional, interfaith, non-traditional, humorous, remarriage, etc. yes, vows can be tailor made to fit our individual needs and desires. isn't that great? maybe it would be if humans had it in themselves to keep these outrageous promises we make to one another. but we can't. we definitely and absolutely do not have the ability to sacrificially give ourselves to another person for a lifetime unless we draw strength from a higher source of love and grace. and i'm not talking about just divorce. i'm talking about everyday sacrifice, forgiveness, and selflessness--things that are unnatural to our carnal nature. maybe my assessment seems cynical, but these are the feelings that came out during my research, especially inspired by two groups.

the sappy and shallow vows-- i watched this video on Godtube (who knew there was such a thing) that looked like it came straight from a soap opera wedding. the guy actually told this girl she was his only hope. and she replied with a very touching proclamation that she didn't need to live in mansion, she just needed to live in his arms. i am a sentimental person but i was cracking up as i watched this couple worship each other. i understand people who are not christians using their weddings as a time to praise earthly love, but it bothers me when christians say things like that because it isn't what we believe. we believe that marriage is a gift of God, but our completeness and hope is in the Cross and relationship with Jesus. Another human being can be our beloved companion on this journey, but they can never be our salvation. so statements like (and i quote) 'i know i'm not perfect but we will be perfect together' belong in the soap operas but not in christian weddings. beyond all that, it just sounds stupid. i'm pretty sure when i have the flu and throw up everywhere jared isn't going to talk about living in my arms or how perfect i am while he's cleaning it up.

the lackadaisical vows-- i found a really interesting article about a trend where people are deciding to make their vows a little less 'permanent.' some people feel guilty saying till death do us part because they're just not sure their marriages will last. instead they're using statements like 'for as long as we continue to love each other' and 'for as long as our marriage shall serve the greater good.' i have less to say about this group than the last one. at least they're being more truthful, but i just don't understand why they even bother to write vows at all. a righteous man 'keeps his oath even when it hurts.' why would anyone want to make an unrighteous vow in front of God, family, and friends? heck, just have a barbeque, sign a piece of paper, and go live together.

well, i guess i have a better idea of what i don't want to write at the moment. actually i do know what i want to say, i'm just being overly picky about how to word it all. i should get back to it! thanks for listening to my rantings. i will leave you with something more positive. i recently spoke to my church about india and my friend starlia took a picture of me in my sari. i put it on all by myself and i'm so proud i have to post the picture. it made me really miss india!

march madness

2008-03-18T22:09:00.001-07:00

i cannot BELIEVE i am blogging right now. i should be fast asleep preparing for a day of answering phones and entering purchase orders. but how can a girl sleep when her wedding is two and a half weeks away? besides, i was chastised recently for being a sorry excuse for a blogger. here's what i've discovered: america=bad blogging. there's just not time. time was abundant in asia. here it is a luxury.

last week we spent five days in east texas for my uncle's funeral. he came to know the Lord six years ago. he was a big man with a lot of energy, but his back started hurting and he got sick. in just a matter of days he was diagnosed with rare bone cancer and liver failure. the service was lovely and i'd started writing my own deep thoughts on death and dying but never got around to finishing it. i do think death is a celebration for those with eternal hope, but it has such a sobering effect on me. i stand with my feet on the ground and breathe the air a little more deeply. i stare intently at my fingers and think about how someone God has created, someone unlike anyone or anything else that has ever lived, no longer exists in this world as we know it. if it weren't for my faith in the cross and resurrection i wouldn't be able to handle such despairing reality.

we returned home just in time for my weekend excursion to st. louis with my three best childhood friends. i know it seems like a weird transition after talking about death, but it's the order of my life. we went to see a musical at the fabulous fox theatre--the wedding singer. i guess you could accuse me for having shallow taste in musicals but i loved it! the eighties clothes were so fun, and it was a great experience to share with my friends. christy, charity, and jessica, also took me to eat thai and indian food, which may not have been their preference but it's two of my favorite cuisines. what great friends!

jared and i had our church wedding shower on sunday. all i can say about that is that we have some pretty amazing and generous people in our church. we even got bikes! courtesy of aunt marsha.

and last but not least we now have an answer to the question that has been on my mind for quite a few months now. where are we moving?

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DC!!! jared got accepted into american university so that's where we're headed this fall. i've already started looking for jobs and will probably apply in may. i'm excited--to be honest i would love to move back overseas but hopefully this will be a time where we can develop more skills to help people.

this has been a pretty general post, but i have so many things to get done these coming weeks! i've already had three dreams about everything going wrong on our wedding day. i think barack obama's pastor was in one of them. also, i've been trying to clean out my room, but i always end up looking at pictures and reading old letters and crying. to top it off i went for my final dress fitting today and the seamstress made my dress a little too tight on the top. she very rudely asked me if i gained weight. i don't know about you other ladies out there but when i gain weight it all goes to my back. man, my back just gets so wide that i have to start wearing football jerseys. needless to say i pointed out that my weight was the same and she did the alterations wrong, but really, what a mean lady! at least when indians tell you that you're fat they smile at you with toothy grins. thank goodness for india. whenever i feel a little frazzled i think about india. and then i thank God for the many blessings He's given that i do not deserve.

2008-01-31T12:16:00.000-08:00

I never gave an update on the rest of my So Cal trip, but if you read Alicia's blog you already know everything that happened! Even so, here's two of my favorite pictures. One is Malibu beach just as the sun was beginning to set, and the other one is us lounging on Hollyood Boulevard. When Alicia dropped me off at the airport to fly back to Kansas City we both felt bittersweet, the kind of feeling that envelopes you when change is near, and even though it's good change it's still a little hard. If you used to watch Friends maybe you would call it 'the end of an era.' The next time I see Alicia I'll be getting married.

The wedding is two months away. I've been addressing invitations, picking out flowers, and trying to figure out how to make my church gym look pretty. Lots of people have asked me how the planning is going, along with other various questions, so I thought I'd try and answer some of those on this blog.

The date is April 5th. The colors are chocolate brown, sage, and plum. We have five bridesmaids and five groomsmen. I have three songs including the processional and recessional. My cake is chocolate. Jared wants a picture of a leopard fighting a dragon on his cake but I've yet to find anything close to that. The flowers are cala lilies, hydrangeas, and tulips. We're having dinner but no dancing--I live in the country and I do not want Cotton Eye Joe played at my wedding. Along those same lines there will be no country love songs in the ceremony. We're going to Boston and Maine for our honeymoon. We're going to move in with my grandma after we get married. Jared's applied to grad school in Philadelphia and DC--so we're waiting to hear back and hopefully moving at the end of the summer! He wants to study international development and I want to pay our bills. One day we want to move back overseas. We don't know where yet.

Ok...that covers most of the questions I've been asked. Any others are welcome. I've enjoyed wedding planning, but I'm looking forward to actually being married. We've gone to several sessions of premarital counseling, and it's been fun to learn how to communicate with one another on a whole new level. I thought we were the poster couple for communication since the first year of our relationship occurred over the phone, but I've been humbled more than once through the small things. I usually make lunch for us and bring it work--nothing special, just sandwiches, fruit, veggies, and hummus. Anyway, Jared almost apologetically asked me the other day if I could put a little less mustard on his sandwich. Poor guy. I never thought about how normal people don't glob tons of mustard on their sanwiches the way I do. He'd been eating mustard with a little bread and turkey on the side for months without saying a word. I've had to learn not to assume that he likes everything the way I do. So what about all my married friends who read this blog? Any other helpful advice you can give me?

It's snowing here in the Midwest. I've been flipping through the pages of 1 John and reading about God's love and walking in the light and having fellowship with one another. On Super Bowl Sunday I'm speaking at an event put on by several churches in this area. You could say I'm the halftime entertainment...and I've gone back and forth over what to speak about. My high school bible study has been reading Isaiah 61, but for some reason I keep finding myself going back to 1 John. There's probably a reason for that. I guess I should get back to studying, but I'll let you know how it goes!

grand? canyon

2008-01-07T21:44:00.000-08:00

i drove to kansas city friday night, woke up at 4:30 saturday morning, flew to southern california and began a whirlwind of a vacation with alicia! after hanging out with friends all day we decided to take a road trip to the grand canyon. the canyon is approximately seven hours from alicia's house so we figured if we drove through the night we could make it to see the sunrise. since we'll both turn 25 in 2008 we were in dire need of feeling young and crazy and spontaneous.

well, my friends, there are better ways to combat a quarter life crisis. my poor college graduate body passed out on the way there (i guess i couldn't handle two nights without sleep). i woke up and we were in the middle of a snowstorm. we arrived at the canyon at six in the morning and wrapped ourselves in blankets. unfortunately the sunrise was less than majestic--it was more of a bright spot rising behind a wall of fog. we couldn't even get good pictures. such a bummer. i remember briefly going to the grand canyon when i was younger and it took my breath away. this time around my breath was more concentrated on keeping my hands from turning blue. ah well--all for the sake of spontaneity right? and we did get to use our south asian turban making skills.

2008-01-03T19:36:00.000-08:00

Journal entry from last Christmas. I was working at a counseling center in the Himalayas at the time. It's nice for me to look back on the intense lessons I learned in India--thankfully I recorded most of them.

If you want to buy rat poison in India they will ask you what it's for. Stupid question but they have to ask. Why? Because many people buy it and then consume it to commit suicide. Pinky committed suicide. I don't know if she used rat poison, but she is dead. She is dead but her face has never been more alive in my mind.

I wish a lot of things. I wish I could speak Hindi better. And I could if I practiced more. I wish I was in better shape. And I would be if I worked out more. I wish I could play some kind of instrument. And maybe I will someday if I put forth the effort. I wish I could snowboard, sew, write compelling stories, speak to large audiences, go to Ivy League schools, help end poverty, and more. And who knows? If I tried hard enough maybe I could do all these things.

But deep down I don't really care about any of these things. Deep down all I want is to save people. And I can't. I never will.

It's the first week of January and many people are in the process of trying to improve some area of their lives. Most of them will quit in another week or two. Let us not forget who really gives life meaning. Let us not shrink back from pointing others to the one who really saves people.

I've actually had a lot of fun reflecting. Jared and I celebrated the new year and our one year anniversary in downtown St. Louis. One year ago Jared asked me on Skype to be his girlfriend. It didn't really change anything since we were on opposite sides of the world, but we were still excited. We've made it through some tough challenges and transitions and now we only have three months until we get married. I'm so happy to be where we are now, but I do think back fondly on our long distance relationship. Long e-mails, hiking to ISD booths when my power went out, cards and bbq sauce in the mail...pretty special stuff, indeed.

I'm headed to Riverside, California tomorrow to spend a week with none other than, Alicia Ann Divers. I can't wait! It was NINE degrees when I went to work the other day! I was so mad! Give me some sixty degree California sunshine :)

tell me everything is wonderful now...

2007-12-09T11:16:00.000-08:00

Finally time for an update! Wow, blogging sure has gone down the drain for me. In some ways it makes me happy that my life doesn't revolve around my computer--or that I don't know who Heidi and Spencer are (who are they?) or what music is popular right now. But I sure do enjoy writing and I have to admit that blog ideas float around my head on a regular basis. So, yes, I still love my blog even though we're slightly estranged at the moment.

We're in the midst of a winter wonderland in the Ozarks. Some would call it an ice fortress. We had a terrible ice storm here last year that I was fortunate to miss. Everyone is afraid of losing power again, but I wouldn't mind so much. I'm used to losing power and would love an excuse to go to bed at eight-o-clock. Even so, life must go on and for now I have to settle for waking up earlier so I can scrape ice off my car. But who really cares? As I write this I'm nearly falling asleep and you must be too. I don't want to write about the weather or how I'm trying to keep myself busy at work or how I need to finish my Christmas shopping. I want to write poetry, or at least in the spirit of poetry. I want to take the ordinary things in life and make them exciting and beautiful to read about. But it seems like the more I try to jazz up life the more I realize it's hardly the movie I create in my head. It wasn't even like that in India although I could make it sound that way on this blog. Life is completing the task before you that day, it's giving your time to others, it's being patient during the mess of transition, it's choosing to believe God instead of popular culture, it's scraping ice off your car and doing your job and buying gifts with joy in your heart. And it's good. It's good for what it is right now and better for what it's leading us towards.

Jared and I have been involved in numerous activities lately. We're serving on the missions team at church and our first project is this weekend. We're having a tutoring session for high school students in the community before their finals! I'm so excited! I've also starting mentoring high school girls. We meet once a week and it's been a humble experience so far. It's quite a change to go from Indian village people to American teenagers, but I'm finding that my heart is really with this group. We're learning some good stuff and I'll probably elaborate on that in future blogs. Finally, Jared took the GMAT last week and has begun applying to grad school. I'm so proud of him! He's worked really hard and it's such a blessing to see it all move forward. I look forward to informing you all of our future plans once they unfold. For now I will leave you with a plethora of pictures from Halloween, Thanksgiving, and our office Christmas party where Jared performed an incredible version of What Child is This?

and in case you were wondering...

I MISS INDIA!

but...

I STILL AM HAPPY TO BE WHERE I AM

Arabian Nights and Harlequin

2007-11-15T17:01:00.000-08:00

Marahaba! Last weekend I got to hang out with one of my best friends in the whole wide world! Suzanne and I were inseparable in college. We both majored in international business. She actually double majored in IB and finance while I minored in history (yeah, I was the weird one in the business school). We bonded while interning together at the Jordan Investment Board in Amman. Suzanne is Arab and has family in Jordan so we lived with them and worked to develop a marketing plan that would attract foreign businesses to invest in Jordan. There were some glamorous moments--meetings at the US Embassy and other various ministries and industrial zones (plus the side trips to Petra and the Dead Sea)--but life overseas can be slow. So after a hard day's work we would kick back and relax with hummus, argeeleh, and a good book.

I should preface the rest of this post by telling you that I read a lot of quality books that summer. The Three Musketeers, White Oleander, A Separate Peace, This Side of Paradise, etc... However, not all of our reading ended up being quality. Suzanne's grandma, who doesn't speak English, noticed our love for reading so one day she brought us a box of books. She was excited to give them to us so we looked through them and guess what we found? 1970 Harlequin books! We flipped through a couple of the books on top and that was it--we spent the rest of the day lying on the bed surrounded by Harlequins and laughing hysterically. I've never read a modern book of this nature but it's pretty funny to see how tastes and preferences have changed. Apparently it was quite attractive to have massive amounts of chest hair in the 1970's.

Anyway, Suzanne and I went on to write a 17 page report on foreign direct investment in Jordan. We graduated college the following year. I moved to India and she got her master's degree and now works for World Vision in DC. We both have a strong interest in development work, but now we're thinking about changing our career paths. We went to Target this weekend so I could start registering, but as usual, we spent most of our time in the book aisle. There, unfortunately, we found a whole stack of CHRISTIAN Harlequin books! Yes, I'm afraid so. Out of all the wonderful literary works in the world there's a market segment out there who would rather read about how the mysterious and handsome Beau saves Lily Rose's life and teaches her to love again. Which got us thinking...we could write stories like that. On our way back from Target we came up with the plot for our first book.

Cade McCallister survives the tragic accident that took his brother Coby's life. Bitter and angry he turns his back on God and on love. Coby's beautiful fiancee, Victoria Rosewood, although devastated, finds she cannot abandon her faith. She goes out west to work at a ranch for underpriveleged children and put back the pieces of her shattered heart. After much prompting Victoria convinces Cade to come and spend a week at the ranch where he bonds with, Lenny, an exceptionally difficult child who no one else can reach. Despite his new friendship he remains largely aloof and cynical towards God and faith. Then an unexpected turn of events changes everything. Now Lenny is missing and Cade and Victoria find themselves face to face with with the very same fears they tried to leave behind. Will their hearts be broken a second time? Or will love conquer all?

About the authors: Suzanne Ammari and Julie Reagan met at Oklahoma Baptist University where they were both business students. After some overseas experience they decided to forgo development work to reach the world through a much more effective avenue: Christian romance. Nevermind that all their characters have beautiful faces, perfect bodies, and ridiculous names. It is their desire to encourage you in your faith by creating stories you can relate to and identify with. We know there are thousands of struggling Christian women out there who know exactly what it's like to be a prairie bride or to experience heartbreak in a quaint ski village...

Ok, I fear I'm being a little too sarcastic. But I actually think Suz and I have a pretty good plot for our first book. Maybe one day I'll get around to writing it. Don't wait around though. Feel free to go ahead and read something else for the time being. I recommend A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini.

I promise I have more valuable things to write about. This blog was mostly in honor of Suzanne, who really gets my sense of humor and never ceases to ignite my passion for humanitarian causes. Thanks for visiting, Suz! A salaam wa alaykum.

2007-10-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

The exciting news since my last blog is that Jared and I are engaged! Lots of people have asked about how it all went down--and, well, working eight hours a day doesn't leave much time for blogging or e-mail so I apologize for the delay. Thanks for caring though!

We both really enjoy being outside and hiking so one afternoon we went to this state park about thirty minutes from my house. In all honesty I was pretty tired and didn't feel like going, but I knew how much Jared hated laying around all day so I threw on some sweatpants and we went. The leaves have just started to change here in the Ozarks and it was a gorgeous day with perfect weather. We walked around for awhile and then sat down by a spring to read and talk. After reading a chapter of The Great Divorce (I realize the irony here but the book is not about marital divorce), we started talking about a number of different things. We were both sitting on these tree branches above the water and the next thing I knew he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him. I was completely surprised--so much so that it took me awhile to think of something to say. 'Yes' seemed too simplistic because of my great love for words, but the truth is that life's greatest moments can't really be expressed in the human language anyway, at least not fully. So I decided yes was an appropriate response, and perhaps better than any other.

I love the way it happened. It was so unexpected. He picked the ring out himself while I was in Virginia (well I think my cousin helped a little). We were outside. I was wearing sweatpants. It was perfect.

I jumped into wedding planning right away. We're both pretty simple, but when most of your friends and family live out of town even a simple wedding can get complicated. I don't really know what I'm doing. Growing up I was much more concerned with what kind of career I wanted than what my wedding would be like. Not to mention I've been living in a third world country for two years so I'm a little outdated in my style. Everyone has told me that I should do what I want to do and not worry about what anyone else thinks. So what do I want? I want things to be simple, meaningful, and fun. I want our friends and family to be there. Most of all I want to use the ceremony as a testimony of God's grace in our lives because it's only due to His unmerited favor that we're together. Everything else is pretty much secondary.

I've also realized that I don't know much about marriage. Unlike Jared most of my friends are unmarried. The few that are got married shortly before or while I was away. There's so much about me, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, that makes me feel unworthy to be in this position. At the same time it's been completely delightful to experience this side of God's love and character. When I focus on myself I only worry about failing. When I focus on God I get excited about what the future holds--a future with hope, promise, and redemption. It won't always be easy, but hopefully it will make us holier!

In other news...I've fallen prey to the fever and strep throat that has been going around Richland. I hate being sick. It's so depressing to sit at home and be unable to do anything but lay in bed and watch TV. Days of excessive TV watching are few and far between for me and now I remember why. The ability of entertainment to drive us farther and farther from reality scares me. Before I moved to India I was pretty apathetic towards all this, but now I sometimes wish we could just shut down the whole industry. There are so many people with heroic and meaningful stories to tell. Why do we give our attention to trivial talk shows, magazines about which celebs have cellulite, and stupid existential movies with meaningless plots? What happens when reality no longer becomes interesting? I understand the need to escape and to be entertained, but I also believe that we're being presented with some pretty low quality material this day and age. If my desire to be entertained compels me to give my attention and credibility to someone who openly mocks my faith and glorifies all kinds of reckless behavior without reaping any consequences--well, that's kind of a shame.

Thus I will sift through the entertainment industry and redefine my standards. Actually, I plan on getting healthy again soon so the TV will hopefully once again take a backseat in my life. But here's my first TV winner.

The Biggest Loser: I normally hate reality shows but this one seems to have the right focus and motives behind it. There's a lot of strategy type stuff to create drama, but overall the show makes heroes out of overweight people trying to become healthier for themselves and their families. I'm always so moved to see their responses when they lose weight because it's a genuine reaction to genuine hard work. So if my opinion means anything to you then this one is worth watching!

Transitions

2007-10-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

Life is pretty fluid. If I've learned anything during 24 years of life it's that nothing stays the same. I've also learned that there are different kinds of change. Physical, emotional, and spiritual development. The usual life stages of graduation, new jobs, marriage and family. Sometimes location and relationships depending on whether a person settles in one place or decides to periodically uproot themselves. It's amazing how quickly the body and mind adapt to change--better than we'd like to believe. People move and find new friends. People fall in love after 'broken' hearts. Etc. So yes, change is normal and good, but the truth is some changes are harder than others.

At my debriefing conference last week we looked at a scale for stress indicators. Studies have determined that people who move to a culture entirely different from their own lead a dangerously high stress life. Sometimes coming back from a foreign place after a long time can produce an equally (if not higher) level of stress. I think this is largely due to the degree of change involved. You aren't just starting a new job and making new friends--you're doing it somewhere where you don't know the language or the culture and everyone looks different from you. But you go to great lengths to adapt...and then you leave. It's hard. No matter what it may look like I certainly did not go on vacation for two years.

Debriefing was a good time to be with people who understand all of this. I can't expect anyone at home(except Jared) to really understand even if they want to. So I'm doing my best to quietly grieve the loss of a country I love, friends who became family, and a job that I found a lot of meaning and purpose in. There's no need for the innocent people of Richland to be subjected to my emotional break downs.

I started working for my family's lighting business. I like to jokingly tell people that I'm bringing a new light to the world. I work in the accounting department and also help answer the phones. It's a good job and the people I work with are really fun. It's nice to have some structure, but I have to admit that it's hard to go from such a relational job to being just a voice on the phone to someone who thinks I'm an idiot even though I have a college degree and probably speak more languages than they do. Time really is money. No one cares about sharpening their interpersonal skills or speaking someone else's love language, and sadly it's not my job to teach them that. Sadly I really am just a voice that gives them what they want even if they're incredibly rude because we don't care about their manners. We want their money. For the record I firmly believe rudeness should be punished, but as a new employee I will do as I'm told. Until I'm promoted (which will never happen) let me say that receptionists are people too. Smart people. And we're busy. Your call is one of a billion we get everyday. So be nice.

Time has become a new factor for me as well. Working eight hours gives me much less time to keep up with friends and do things I enjoy. I have to fight for that time. Jared and I try to be active. We go hiking on weekends and play frisbee and basketball whenever we can. We're also looking for the best way to be involved in church. Our favorite thing, however, is just to talk to each other and to my family. I guess we still haven't gotten over how great it is to be face to face! I'm trying to find new hobbies to keep me far away from the 'work all day and crash in front of the TV' rut. A good friend of mine asked me to edit a book she wrote, and it's been really fun so far. The written word is possibly one of my favorite ethereal things and I'd love to write more myself. As time consuming as it is, I'm really thankful that my family is letting Jared and me work for them. We're excited for the opportunity to save even though most of my money is going towards gas and doctor bills. I guess some would say welcome to the real world. Well, no--more like welcome to life in a first world country full of indebted consumers with ginormous vehicles and high definition TV. America is a beautiful place but it's the polar opposite of most of the world.

So life is good and slowly coming together. It's busy and I'm functioning in it, but I don't think I've fully transitioned yet. And that's ok. I'm strangely comfortable feeling out of place. I miss India. I love it. I miss my friends. I love them too. But I also love the Midwest. I love my family. I love Jared. I love God. And all those things are right here.

Bedlam

2007-09-25T21:21:00.000-07:00

This summer I made our wonderful volunteer team from Mississippi watch some episodes of The Office. A Benihana Christmas was a group favorite, especially the part where Michael plays the itunes preview for 'Goodbye My Lover' by James Blunt over and over again instead of buying the whole song. The guys asked me if I'd ever heard the entire song, which of course was no because it will take at least ten years for James Blunt to make it to India. Anyway, they played the song for me and it was horrifically tragic--so much that tears started rolling down my face. For some reason no one else seemed as emotionally affected and chose to make fun of me because I actually have feelings. It became the joke of the summer and our group song, which is pretty weird if you don't know the story behind it (hence why I just shared it with you). The guys made this video in honor of me.

The most heartbreaking part is when he sings 'I'm so hollow' (played brilliantly by Wade) over and over again. Cody's Cardinal's t-shirt was also a nice touch. If you have some time today have a moment of silence for James Blunt. Someone messed that dude up bad.

Reflections and Reunions

2007-09-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

I've put off blogging for awhile now, mostly because I'm so far behind and partly because it's lost some of its appeal now that I'm no longer in India. The thought of trying to recap my final days in South Asia and all my travels since is a little daunting because it's such a large task. I hope you'll forgive me for the summaries!

Goodbye to India
Leaving India felt a lot like leaving college. Well, there were some major differences but the same concept of closing a chapter in life was definitely there. It's pretty normal to say things like 'We'll keep in touch' and 'I'll come back and visit,' but the reality is that things change and even if you do keep in touch (a little) and even if you do go back (one day) things will never be the same again. I tried so hard to breathe in those last few days--the smells, the food, the people, all the crazy sights on the side of the road. I think it's really hard to grasp the final days of anything. You feel like you should appreciate everything and make the most of every moment, but I'm starting to wonder whether or not you can actually do that in all it's fullness until it's gone.

Africa
I got to see Abby in Africa! It was so so SO great! Abby and I have never had to rely on our surroundings for entertainment, but nevertheless Africa was the perfect backdrop for our reunion. She was waiting for me with all her Masaai buddies at the airport and I got to live life with her for about ten days. We went to the market, we drank coffee, we watched Seinfeld, we worked out, we spent time with her friends...we also took a mini vacation to Zanzibar with her roommate, Mina. Zanzibar is definitely one of the coolest places I've ever seen. It's such a unique mixture of Muslim and African culture, not to mention it's incredibly beautiful. When I flew out of Tanzania I had the most amazing view of Kilimanjaro from my window. It was breathtaking, rising above the clouds and literally kissing the face of heaven. The plane was full of tourists all scrambling for their cameras and leaning over me to take pictures (which was incredibly annoying). Seriously. Why does anyone think a picture of Kili from an airplane window is worth forfeiting actually sitting and observing it with your own two eyes? Come on people. Google it and find a good aerial picture taken by someone with a better camera than you.

America
I was so nervous when my plane landed in DC. I'm not sure why. Everything felt normal, but strangely unfamiliar at the same time. Or maybe I was just aware that I was the unfamiliar one. That was probably it. I stayed with my cousin Linda one night and Suzanne the other night. It was great fun to hang out with them and ease back into American life in none other than our nation's capital.

Two days after I touched down on the homeland I went to North Carolina to see my boyfriend! Jared and I planned a dramatic airport reunion that ended up not being quite so dramatic since he was waiting for me in the wrong terminal when I arrived:) Even so it was great! He took me to Chik-fil-A and then to his house where I met his parents. The next couple of weeks involved traveling around and visiting all his family and friends throughout the South. Our roadtrip came to an end in Richland, Missouri where I was reunited with my family and friends.

Last week we took a trip down to OBU and I got to hang with the final members of the Fab Five, Megan and Melissa. We also spent some quality time with Steve and Lindsey, our friends from India who now work at OBU. Zip Bang!

Below are some snapshots for your viewing pleasure

Jared is pretty much the best guy in the entire world. Richland is a culture all of it's own and he's adapted well to the town and to my family. Here's how you know you're in Richland, MO.
Toby Keith is quoted at your bible study
Your father's fantasy football team is named the Deep Ozark Mullets
The annual men's campout at your church involves Civil War reenactments

Haha. Richland is awesome. My family is awesome too. I may not live in India anymore, but this place is full of inspiration so there should still be plenty to write about!

Sometimes I worry that India is slipping away from me. When I think about the way I used to live it kind of feels like a dream. There are some things I've carried with me. I move a little slower. I have little interest in technology or watching television. I hate wasting any food. I'm not very attached to stuff anymore and have thrown or given half of what was in my room away.

It's been surprisingly easy to transition back into being American. I've enjoyed feeling productive and accomplishing more than one or two things in a day. I enjoy driving my car and buying all my groceries in one store (although prices are ridiculous). I enjoy not being verbally harrassed by men in tight pants and sweater vests. However, the not so great things about our culture have started to loom over my head as well. In India I never felt self conscious about what I wore or how things fit me or what I looked like. Now that I'm back in this matching, perfectly manicured world where everyone obsesses to be a size 2 I feel that old, ugly pressure again. Where oh where are my voluptuous Bollywood stars? Where are my mismatching hippie clothes? I'd love to stick it to the man (the Western fashion man that is) and parade around in my rainbow socks and salwar pants, but I'm not quite the rebel I thought considering I have a pair of skinny jeans in my closet. At least long shorts are in style, although I'm still having a hard time showing my legs in public.

Beyond the self-image war is the battle within to make something of myself. In India I could sit around with women all day practicing Hindi and throwing orange peels at monkeys. I'm not saying that this was always a satisfying way to spend my time, but I was free of the pressure to prove myself. This was a tough year. I battled giardia several times, a really harsh winter, lots of travel through the mountains, and certain political difficulties in my region. I supervised two volunteer teams and worked on two national trainings. I was in seven countries this year, six in six weeks. I said hello and goodbye to a lot of people. At various times I struggled with restlessness, depression, and boredom. I packed up and moved myself from the Himalayas back to America. I came home a very different person than when I left. I came home to a very different life than I left. So all that to say A LOT has happened, but I still feel guilty taking some time off to rest and unpack my things. I feel like I should be doing more. I feel so far from where I was in India--trekking to villages, spending hours with people talking in their homes, drinking ten cups of chai a day, never wearing a watch or knowing what time or day it was.

I guess the natural thing is to compare one place with another place and one culture with another culture. We piece together different aspects of different places to create the 'ideal' place and culture in our minds, but overall that is pretty pointless because each place is what it is. It's better for me to think about who I want to be where I am now and I'm still trying to figure that out. I'll probably never figure it out though so don't judge me if my clothes don't match. I'm a little confused.

BACK IN AMERICA

2007-08-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

Long time, no blogging. Sorry about that. My mom kindly asked me to update because she was tired of seeing my goat head picture. Anyway, I've lived about ten lives since I left India and maybe I'll get around to posting pictures and telling my stories again. Part of me is tempted to shut down my blog now that I'm back in America, but I'll try to keep it up since there are still some I dearly love who are worlds away (yes, I mean YOU, Apes).

So please be patient with me. Better updates are coming soon! Here's the highlights you can look forward to: final days in India, Africa with Abby, DC with Linda and Suzanne, North Carolina with Jared, my roadtrip through the South, and my homecoming to Missouri! (the latter two haven't happened yet because I'm still in NC). I've met so many great people...and, well, I'm still meeting people right now. It's been a lot of fun.

I have to go now, but check out Alicia's blog because she is much better at updating than me. She can tell you what it's like to come home after two years :)

America is SO clean. I've been drinking a lot of tap water.

2007-07-25T04:51:00.000-07:00

I'm a geographical vegetarian, meaning I don't eat meat in India (with the exception of a few select restaurants). For some reason this is horrifying to a lot of people. They don't understand and usually loudly exclaim something along the lines of 'You don't eat meat?! How do you live?' No offense but please let me break it down for you.

You see, many of you who read this go to the grocery store to get your meat. You push a cart to the frozen food section and pick up your packaged boneless chicken or grade A beef. When I go to buy meat, however, I see this:

Haha...now you all will probably have nightmares. But I thought I'd try to save myself from any more lectures about how unhealthy it is to eliminate meat from my diet. Clearly I'm choosing the lesser of two evils here. This blog is actually way overdue because I'll soon be pushing my own cart to the frozen food section! Boneless frozen chicken. Mesquite lime marinades. Propane grills. Yum...

Six more days left in India. Two more in my city. We're super busy and I'll do my best to post some more lovely pictures in the near future.

Respect the Tag!

2007-07-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

E-Rob recently tagged me and now i'm challenged to list eight random facts about myself. Since I've done this a couple of times it's getting harder to think of random things that meet the criteria I'm looking for. My goal is to list interesting facts and stay away from anything that makes me look like too much of a freak. But I actually enjoy reading other people's lists so much that I'm going to do my best to come up with something good. So, E, I hope I do you justice!

1) I tend to get the dreaded 'Asian face' in photo graphs. It's ok to look Asian if you are, but I'm not. My eyes just get really squinty because they're sensitive to light. If you have a one flash camera don't even try to take a good picture of me.

2) I put purple streaks in my hair in Thailand, but they've mostly faded by now. I was a little bummed about it but then I realized I'll be in America soon meeting a lot of new people. It's probably good I don't have purple hair.

3) My biggest fear in going back to America is that I won't travel again for a really really long time.

4) I've had giardia three times since I came to India from bad water. Americans would save millions on diets if they just came to South Asia and drank tap water.

5) My favorite food is hummus with olive oil and pita bread.

6) I'm not fluent in Hindi, but I randomly substitute Hindi words and phrases for English ones...even when I'm talking to my American friends who live here. I forget English words all the time. No one is going to understand me when I come home.

7) I can never remember what day or time it is. Sometimes I even forget the month. Last year I sent Suzanne a birthday email on July 18th even though her birthday is August 18th. I didn't forget her birthday--I really thought it was August.

8) I'm going to Africa in 11 days

Ok--I actually started this post several days ago (hence the date) and since that time I've almost completely finished packing. If you know me well you realize what a feat this is. I usually pack the night before I go anywhere. Sometimes I wait until the morning I leave. But not this time!

Summer Travels

2007-07-17T04:38:00.000-07:00

I'm back. Wow, I am tired. So much traveling. So much fun. So little sleep. I've posted some pictures to highlight my last couple weeks, but let me tell you a little about all that happened. First I went to Chiang Mai, Thailand for our regional meeting. This was my fourth trip to Thailand and, as usual, it was a great time. After being in the mountains for so long I felt physically, emotionally, and spiritually refreshed. It was so good hanging out with old friends and making new ones. We were in meetings all day long, but we hit the streets at night--eating burgers, shopping, getting pedicures and massages, going to movies, etc... all the normal things that I've come to appreciate once they weren't so 'normal' in my life anymore.

AGM was a good time of closure. I said goodbye to a lot of the people, and after a hectic last day, many of them floated out of my life. It reminded me a little of college graduation actually. Then my gals and I caught a flight to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, where we ate at Chili's (AMAZING) and walked around the Petronas Towers (even more AMAZING). Our final, destination, however was Bali, Indonesia. Bali is like the Hawaii of Asia only less expensive. And, well, it's still Asia so not quite as ritzy but that was ok with us. We were pretty much beach bums most of the time, but we did go see a volcano and do a little shopping. We also stayed in the most amazing villa ever. It had three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen, a living room, a loft, and a private pool...all for a ridiculously cheap Asian price. It was splendid.

In fifteen days I leave India. There is so much to do and so many people to see. Today I started sorting through my clothes and other various things. I came across my passport and started flipping through it. It's full of India stamps and it makes me sad that after this last stamp I'm not sure when I'll get another one. No more cows on the streets, no more rickshaws, no more crazy Punjabi music, no more men in stone washed jeans with greased back hair, no more eating with my hands, no more listening to Bryan Adams in every restaurant, no more speaking Hindi and broken English, no more pushing and cutting in line, no more power outages, no more chai in people's homes, no more saris and bindis, no more freezing showers...

I guess I'll be thankful to get back to a place where things actually work properly, but there's a fascination and richness about India that you can't find anywhere else. I know I'll miss it. But God willing I'll come back one day, at least to visit. I'm going to leave a blank spot in my passport just in case that day comes sooner rather than later.

Now to give you a taste of how fun it can be to talk to Indians. I went to the post office today to pick up a package from Jared and the post office man made me sign a piece of paper.
Him: Julie, be sure and tell Ronald hello from all of us (my last name is Reagan in case any of you didn't know that).
Me: Well, um, you know he's expired right? (they say expired instead of dead)
Him: Oh no! Oh no! I'm so so very sorry.
Me: Um, thanks. It's ok.
Him: Well, be sure and tell Nancy hello from all of us then.
Me: Ok, ji. I sure will.

HA! I cracked up as I walked out of the office. It was too funny. The poor guy actually thought I was a close relative of Ronald and Nancy Reagan. It was too funny. I'm really going to miss stuff like this.

2007-06-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

We went on a little camping expedition to Chanderthal. Chanderthal literally means 'moon lake' in Hindi and it's one of my favorite places on earth. It takes forever to get there...and that's partly why I love it so much. The lake is a true oasis. You drive through miles and miles of dust and rugged mountains and sort of stumble upon it, clear jewel-like water sitting in the middle of a lunar landscape.

There's not much to do. Most of our group went hiking up to a waterfall, but I chose to stay behind and chill by the lake, reading, writing, and doing my best to enjoy the silence that is nearly impossible to find in India. At night the stars were AMAZING. Emily, Bruce, and I stayed up for a long time watching meteor showers. We tried to convince Anil aliens were landing but he didn't believe us. Then we made up stories about how they were Russian satellites full of classified information. Chanderthal would be the perfect place to hide satellites. No one would ever find them.

Emily and I were quite miserable in our little tent. I was wearing three shirts, a fleece, a heavy jacket, two pairs of socks, trekking pants, and a scarf, hat, and gloves and I still couldn't get warm. I know my friends in Delhi are about to die right now at the thought of wearing so many clothes, but yes, it's late June and we were freezing to death. We finally put my sleeping bag inside of Emily's and both crawled in it together. It was a little cramped and we didn't sleep much but I'm convinced it saved our lives :)

All in all what purpose does beauty serve in our lives? I'm convinced it's there to remind us of what lies beyond--a glimpse of what life was meant to be like and what it will be like when we're fully redeemed. Life freakin' hurts sometimes so I'm thankful that there are some things in this world that point me towards ultimate goodness.

Here are a few pictures from our adventure!

I begin another adventure tomorrow. It's actually going to be a little crazy because I'll be in six different countries in six weeks. First I'm going to Thailand, Malaysia, and Indonesia. Then it's back to India to pack up and say goodbye. On August 1st I'm headed to Africa to reunite with the lovely Abigail Mae after two very long years. Afterwards, my favorite Arab, Suzanne Adel Ammari, will welcome me back to America and we'll hang in DC for a couple of days. Then I'll have two weeks in the grand south with the most wonderful guy in the world--we'll be in the same hemisphere for the first time in over a year. And last but not least I will return to the Midwest and see all my family and friends!!!

So in the middle of all this I will try to update my blog, but the truth is I'm hoping to be close to many of you again in the near future so maybe you won't need this to know what's happening in my life. Here's to hoping...

Fearless

2007-06-21T02:48:00.000-07:00

We're in the midst of the white invasion. More details later, but for now I'll tell you there are a LOT of white people here. And it's fun. Really really fun.

Darr is the Hindi word for fear, and it's threaded throughout the culture here. Animism itself is the belief that things have spirits and some of these spirits are good and others are bad. Life for many revolves around appeasement. Living here has made me evaluate the affect fear has on my own psyche. I don't live with the worry of a curse or a plague--or at least with the worry that it will destroy me. But to call myself fearless? No, I don't have enough faith for that. At least not yet.

"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself—nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." FDR's 1st inaugural address to a depressed nation is pretty sweet. Fear can cause paralysis. It can make us apathetic. It can make it look like the best thing to do is nothing. Apathy and denial might be less painful than fear, but it's no victory when you lose the ability to feel. On my nobler days I'd rather look that obstacle right in the face and choose to advance--believing that the truth will deliver. Too bad I'm not noble everyday.

For me fear is packaged a little differently than an animistic person. I don't believe that a ritual will save me, but I guess I don't believe in the enlightened uber-man's ability to conquer either. For me it's about a command of my faith. God commands His people not to fear over and over again, and when God speaks I want to listen. It's pretty simple actually. God is consistent, and I need this because I'm completely unable to wake up and shout carpe diem every morning.

So, yeah, the climate of fear in this place has taught me an invaluable amount about human weakness. I choose divine liberation.

picture interlude

I met a guy the other day who said the world is better than it's ever been. It's incrementally getting better as time goes on. He's right, but most people don't realize this since all see on TV and newspapers are things being blown into oblivion. Even so, I don't find the world's snail-like improvement very comforting. For example, in 1977, 41,000 people died each day of hunger worldwide. Ten years later that number declined to 35,000. Today it's down to 24,000 each day, three fourths being children under five. At least it's progress right? The problem is what do you tell people who are starving right now? Well, not quite as many people used to die of hunger. What about the people ten years ago? I'm sorry--you were just born at a crappy time.

I guess the question remains. How do I get my excess food to Africa?

Too Abundant to Handle?

2007-06-15T11:12:00.000-07:00

A few days back my friend from Germany shared some things she's been learning about grace. She does a lot of humanitarian work and has pretty much given her life for the sake of others. Grace could be her middle name. Her confession, however, was that her grace could only reach a certain point. She talked about two friends who had both done terrible things she never thought they could do, and she had no idea how to approach them. The realization was that true grace, grace as it's meant to be, reaches unimaginable depths--almost too abundant to handle.

I listened with great interest to all of this. I've never been an overly legalistic or judgmental person. In fact, you could say I err in the opposite direction and sometimes favor my bleeding heart over principle when I shouldn't. But my friend made me think deeply about the whole subject of grace.

Lately I've read several articles about women in oppressive countries. A large number of women in one particular country actually light themselves on fire and try to commit suicide. They do this to escape abusive marriages that they (for the most part) were forced into. I burn with anger when I read stuff like this. Not only do I desire to see men like this severely punished...I would gladly do it myself. That's a pretty powerful feeling for someone who's largely against capital punishment (I'm sure I'll take some heat for that). Anyway, the point is that I know that my grace, like my friend's, also has limits. I have subconsciously drawn a line in my head and all grace stops there.

"It's scary to love without condition."

Indeed it is. There are certain situations where I wish grace did have conditions, but I only think that because I'm ignorant and completely blind to my own unworthiness, not to mention the power of real love. And less anyone think I want to set all the prisoners free I can assure you I do not. I stongly favor punishment, pre-emptive protection, and rehabilitation. People like the men from the articles I read should be stopped. They should bear the consequences of their actions. I want this to happen. But I don't want to hate them. It's hard for me to believe that God loves them as much as He loves me. It's too abundant for me to handle. Even so, I am thankful there is One who has no limits, who draws no lines, and who is capable of turning the most hopeless situation into something good and beautiful. Anyone who's ever lived in the third world knows that as impossible as this grace may seem to be... it is, in fact, exactly what we need.

The First Goodbye

2007-06-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the first of what will be many goodbyes over the next two months. Two of our friends are moving to Kashmir so we had a party to send them off and wish them well. It was a great time of singing, dancing, and fellowship. Every now and then--amidst the chaos of my daily life--I'm struck with an overwhelming feeling of how rare and special this time has been. I love my friends here so much.

As for other news...we have some groups from America here. Some are trekking out in the mountains and others are doing various volunteer work in our community. It's been fun to hang out with everyone and share this place with them. I even played some basketball a couple days ago with the volunteers. It was team America against team India and I was the ONLY girl out there. I'd normally feel awkward but this time I didn't care because I love basketball and I never get to play. We didn't really keep score but I'm gonna go ahead and say team America won. I didn't leave unscathed, however, and I've included a picture of my jammed wrist all taped up. One of the guys said I looked like a cage fighter.

Back to tearful goodbyes... Jared and I recently talked about how so few relationships remain consistent throughout our entire lives. We're always having to say goodbye to someone and I pretty much hate it. After my college graduation I drove the entire Will Rogers Turnpike with tears running down my face. I thought it would be amazing if my college friends and I all ended up on the same street one day, but deep down I knew it would never happen. We were a passionate group and life quickly pulled us in different directions (and has been stretching us farther and farther ever since). Megan got married and became the marketing director for Giant Partners, a pretty awesome consulting firm. Melissa moved to OKC and now works for T Mobile. Abby moved to San Francisco, then to Hawaii, and finally to Africa. Suzanne got her masters in international development from Cornell and is now working for World Vision in DC. I moved to India. We're all in great places right now, but why do I still feel sad sometimes? Why do I find myself wishing I was back in West U 4 discussing with my friends what jobs we'd give each other if one of us took over the world? I think I'm a sucker for nostalgia.

Anyway, I hate goodbyes, but I can't deny that life is an adventure and continues to get more exciting with each new day. I want to keep moving forward even though it's hard. So, yeah, a lot more goodbyes in the near future for this girl and believe me--I will lament about all of them right here on this blog. For now, in the spirit of moving on, I leave you with these words penned by the brilliant Robert Frost.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

This Week In Pictures

2007-06-02T05:12:00.000-07:00

I had visitors from America, including my parents. I'm so excited they got to see where I live and I think they really liked it in a 'nice place to come once but we don't ever want to live here' kind of way. We had a great time visiting villages and friends in the mountains, as well as some of India's landmarks. Everyone got a little sick, but it wasn't too bad. I actually had to lay down at the Taj Mahal because I thought I was going to throw up and pass out. I don't get embarassed too easily, but how do you bounce back from throwing up all over one of the wonders of the world?

I leave this country in less than two months. I love India. I feel at ease here. Maybe that's why it's time to go. It will be hard, but I guess I'm not too sad. There's something pretty wonderful waiting for me in America.