Anger

tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16565481.post-1133151556893904642005-11-27T20:19:00.000-08:002005-11-27T20:19:16.920-08:00AngerI’ve been reading about Anger lately. Working on a workbook for women dealing with anger, reading Love and Anger: the Parental Dilemma by Nancy Samalin, and thinking about my own anger with myself, my kids, others around me. Now that I have children, it’s easier to get angry! Why is that? Is it because they “make me angry”? Is it that I finally have someone to let my anger out on? Is it normal for a parent to feel angry? Is it normal for anyone to feel angry? I did lots of therapy around being able to release my anger and let it out. Many of us grew up being told that anger wasn’t good. My mother, when I was angry or feeling some emotion she didn’t feel comfortable with, would say “Oh Karen, you don’t feel like that!” or “Don’t be that way!” Now, could she have worked any harder to tell me that my feelings weren’t ok? She was always telling me I didn’t feel the way I felt. Crazy making. Now I have children and I get angry all the time. I grew up not expressing my anger (and when I did people were amazed and scared….who knew what I might do, they hadn’t ever seen me angry!). I went through therapy to learn to express my anger and see that anger isn’t a bad thing, it won’t kill you, no one will leave you for being angry, people often want to “make it better” when you are angry. But my kids, well my child who is bipolar….my anger makes her even more angry; my son, when he sees me angry with him he tries to correct whatever is wrong (as most kids would). So one child feeds my anger and I feed hers. The other child tries to “make it better” for me….do his chores, ask if it’s ok to have a cookie, etc. What do I do with the one that feeds my anger? I am trying so hard to not show my anger (whoa, that takes me back) and I’m doing pretty well. I’m also trying NOT to let the little things, the unimportant things make me feel angry. I am working on staying neutral, not taking it personally, letting it ‘roll off my back’. I’m also trying to not “poke back” when my dd makes me angry. And I’m pretty good at poking back! She knows my buttons and I know hers. I am trying to think before I speak….”Am I angry and just about to ‘get her back’ for whatever made me angry?”, “Is there a natural consequence for this behavior I can just let happen?”. Every parent gets angry with their children. It’s what we do with it that matters. And, it’s whether we can say we are sorry when we get angry and it’s not called for or we do or say something we wish we hadn’t. How do they learn to apologize and do the right think if we don’t model it? I’m trying so hard. It’s hard to manage a bipolar child and not be angry a lot. There is a lot to be angry with: just the fact that the child is bipolar (the why me syndrome), the things the child does when unstable (raging, destroying things, hurting others), the arguing with everything, the drain on your energy at the end of the day when you wish you could just go to bed but the day isn’t over, the anger at waking up so tired you want to pull the covers over your head, and the list goes on. But I am trying to find the things I love. See the instability and honor it, try to understand it. Enjoy the good times. Find fun things to do that will let us all laugh. Enjoy all the wonderful moments when she is playing well with her brother, learning in school, hugging me because I look a bit down. She is such a loving and generous child. She brings joy to so many of us daily. There is a lot to find that I love. KarenKaren Petznoreply@blogger.com