One Sober Alcoholic

Who am I?

2009-07-19T18:55:00.002-06:00

On Friday night, after the meeting, a man I have known for 24 years and 360 days said he needed to ask me something. I could see that it was difficult for him. But he finally asked me if I was "seeing" a certain man. I laughed and said "oh my goodness, No!" But then I asked him why he was asking. This man had the integrity and courage to tell me that it would be a very bad idea for me to date this other fellow. I assured him that I was not dating him or anyone else, but then I thanked him for taking the risk to say that to me. I really so appreciated it.

But I am always shocked to find that I am not just a generic alcoholic. Not just a generic member of alcoholics anonymous. I don't really understand why this shocks and hurts me.

One night when I was sober about five years, a sober man I had respected asked me to go out for dinner with him. I was so happy to join him. I felt like I had "arrived" as an AA member. I felt accepted into this group of people who had been sober for a long time. We had a great dinner and laughed and talked about AA stuff. After he drove me home, he told me these words, which I will never forget: "I want to make love to you." Ick. Ick. This older man who had been sober for so long had not been seeing me as a fellow AA member, but as a potential whatever. I started crying. I told him to leave. We have never been friendly since that day since he got furious with me. I still see him from time to time.

I remember when I got my last promotion at work. Someone suggested to me that I got the job because I was sleeping with the director of the hospital. I laughed! It seemed so ridiculous that at the age of 50, I was still dealing with this type of nonsense.

And so it seems ridiculous that at the age of 57, still I am seen this way?

My life is practically nun-like. I just don't wear a habit.

I think of myself as an old woman who knits in AA meetings and goes to church at every opportunity. Who studies the Bible. Who lives a life in adherence with some principles that are extremely difficult to live by, which means I don't live like most folks.

Oh, I will probably delete this, it probably doesn't even make sense. But for now, I am posting it.

Saddy Evenin'

2009-07-18T18:36:00.002-06:00

I bet you all could guess that the above photo was not taken in Denver. It was taken from my very seat in a restaurant where I was dining on luscious lobster... The seat where my earring fell off and was never seen again.

Tonight I went to my final HOA board meeting. Thank God. I fulfilled my obligation of a two year term... and it hurt like hell for about the last year. But now I am done and I don't have to feel bad about it.

My daughter and I went for an open water swim this afternoon, followed by a 12 mile bike ride. In the blistering sun. If it were up to me, which it wasn't, I would have been at the lake just after the 6:30 meeting this morning. But when you don't train alone, you don't get to get everything your way. Oh well. It was lovely to watch my daughter swim and ride a bike. She was such an athletic child - before she got 100% engaged in the sport of meth addiction and alcoholism.

I am looking forward to being in bed tonight before it is even fully dark outside. That is my idea of a lovely day.

Hope you all had one too.

Friday Night Stuff

2009-07-17T21:35:00.004-06:00

Scott W. was kind enough to clean up this photo of my painting of the beach I did last week. Thanks Scott!

I just got home from a big Friday night meeting. It used to be a staple of my meeting schedule. Then most of its attendees died, as they do. It was packed tonight. I got to go to the 25th birthday of a man who got sober exactly one week before me. How wonderful. So many memories. So much love in that room. So many old friends, and even an old boyfriend or two.

I was urged to put my name on the calendar to celebrate my birthday next Friday, and I did. So, I will celebrate 25 years at this old meeting in an old building that doesn't even have air conditioning. I am hopeful this sweltering room will contain my friends. My sponsor may be here for it even.

I used to dislike people celebrating their birthdays at groups they don't regularly attend, but my attitude toward that has softened over the years. Tonight I got to ask the man who took me to my first meeting 24 years and 51 weeks ago if he thought it took a lot of "cojones" to do that. He said it is good for the group. That a lot of people celebrate there, and that is what that meeting usually is. Every Friday night - one, two, or three alkies celebrate, and their friends come and we always reminisce about the old days and the old guys. Dick S.'s widow was there tonight. It was good to see her.

When your home group is a 6:30 a.m. meeting, you end up celebrating your birthday somewhere else if you want any of your friends to come. So I will.

My daughter was at the meeting with me tonight. She got to say hello to the man who drove me to my first meeting - his sons babysat my kids that night... Now they are all grownups.

Time. It is magical when you are sober. Not my enemy at all. It is a miracle. A miracle.

Trying

2009-07-16T20:00:00.003-06:00

This is the best photo of my vacation - and I took it with my cell phone and not my brand new camera! I think I will print this out and frame it.... I just love it.

I am a bit peeved tonight. I have gotten annoyed with smugness of some comments on another blog. It is not the first time and I doubt it will be the last. I wrote a rant about it and then deleted it and was going to write some pleasantness here. I am a pretty authentic person, so if I am talking puppies and butterflies, you can be sure that is where I am... and if not, you will know that too. I am not a believer in phoniness.

I do believe I am in charge of my attitude and that I cannot stay in a sour place for long - like more than a couple of minutes. But while I am there, I don't believe there is any benefit in pretending it isn't so.

So, I went outside and picked some lavender and tied it into little bundles to take to work for people tomorrow. It smells so good. I will put some by my bedside tonight as I lay my head on my pretty embroidered pillow case. Sometimes it is just the small things....

Tomorrow my daughter will be here. I am so looking forward to her arrival.

Good night, sweet dreams.

Big Day = Good Day

2009-07-15T22:01:00.002-06:00

Not always, but today that is the truth.

I just got home from seeing the new Harry Potter movie with my daughters and one of my son's friends. My son was out of town and couldn't attend. This is a tradition with us... we load up and go see the Harry Potter movies. It was fun. And in case you are a HP fan, it was a good movie.

I managed to get out for a run this morning for the first time in two weeks. I have got to find a way to get my running habit back. I have a triathlon in 2 weeks and I know I will be able to finish it, but it would have been much better if I had actually trained for it!

Yesterday, I was sitting in a meeting at my home group. As I was sharing, I idly looked across the room at the board where birthdays for the month are posted. It almost took my breath away to see:

Mary G. 25 yrs.

That is next Friday. If I hadn't been so busy, I am sure I would have made some grander plans for this landmark birthday, but as it is, I haven't. Fridays are speaker meetings at my 6:30 a.m. meeting, so I am going to be the speaker that day. That is the only plan I have made. I would like to get up to the north side of town to my old home group. Don't know if it is going to happen though.

Some years I want fireworks and cannons. Some years I just want to quietly thank God for his incredible mercy and love. I think this is one of the quiet years. We shall see... and you know I will keep you all posted.

Good night y'all. You all know that God loves you so much that he is giving you a golden chance to be sober, right?

Nothing I ever expected.

2009-07-14T18:36:00.003-06:00

My daughter texted this photo to me today. She got this tattoo today, on her 6 month clean and sober anniversary. Oy, this was not anything I ever thought of in my entire life.

She sent me the following message: "I got this tattoo today for my best friend who inspires me and keeps my head up, who never lost faith in me and means the world to me. I love you."

Oh, I never lost faith in her. I never expected more from her. I never nagged and harangued her about her meth addiction, heroin use, alcoholism, or resulting behavior. I never bailed her out. I never gave her money. She also never stole from me or anyone else in the family (which she is very proud of - and the rest of us are like - yeah, good, you never stole from us - lets erect a statue in the park to commemorate that, OK?)

I never was personally insulted by any of her behavior, no matter how much it affected me. I knew that she was not doing this "to" me. She was doing absolutely the best she could with what she had at that moment - it just wasn't very good.

And now she is clean and sober in AA. She has a good sponsor. I know the lineage of these people, and I know how they sponsor. It is how I was sponsored, and it is how I sponsor.

I have no illusions about the odds of her staying sober. So I just relish every day that she is in my life. I wrote her today "Happy 6 months my little sober sweetie. I am so proud of you and thrilled to have you be so much a part of my life and BOTH of my families. I love you, Mom."

I certainly wasn't expecting the tattoo, and I am not thrilled about it. But I am thrilled to have a sober daughter who loves me. And I need to respect the fact that this is how she honors people in her life.

There is no other love like this. None.

Life is Good.

2009-07-13T14:36:00.003-06:00

This is my favorite of the four paintings I did last week.

This morning I woke up with a migraine. Then I got into my car to drive to the meeting at 6:30, and it didn't work right and the check engine light came on, so I drove straight back into my driveway and went back to bed for 2 and a half hours. Then I called the VW dealer and had the car towed away.

The happy thing is that I am home. I have a warranty on my car - and roadside service, so it didn't cost me anything to tow it. I have a bed that is mine, and I was able to place myself on it and sleep. I will find out later what is wrong with my car, but I suspect it is a burnt out ignition coil - which is not hard to fix and is covered by warranty. I asked them to do a couple of more things since it is going to be up on a rack. And unless there is something crazy going on, I can pay for it.

This was not always the way it was for me.

I just spoke with my sponsor for a while. She reminded me of where I have been and where I am today. It is far too easy to get weirded out after having spent a while in a world that is about nothing but money, stuff, and who you know. It's about how fabulous everything is, and not about how much you love your friends and family. My world is not like that.

I am so grateful for this life of sobriety. It is so good I just want to weep.

And in case you are new to sobriety, let me hasten to assure you that it did not get like this overnight. There was a lot of stuff to go through to get here. I am so grateful for all of it. The journey is just awesome every step of the way if you can just enjoy it for what it is.

Rocky Mountain Sober

2009-07-12T23:36:00.001-06:00

I am at home. Praise God.

I love home.

I love the Denver Airport (this from a person who thought building that silly tent out on the prairie was insane!)

I love that my flight landed at about 8:30 p.m. and I got to see the sunset over the rocky mountains. The beach is fab, but I am in love with my home scenery - the mountains.

I love that I got to take a bath in my own bathtub.

I love that in this arid climate, my hair is fluffed back up after a week of FLAT, FLAT, FLAT.

There is so much to write, but I am utterly and totally exhausted.

I will lay my head down on my own pillow and gratefully go to sleep.

Tonight when I got to Denver, I experienced familiar emotions, because I am always glad to come home - no matter where I go. But tonight I had a new one.

I am so grateful that I live in this place, so far away from my family. Not because I am far away from them, but because I struck out a long long time ago and made my own place in this world. And I really do love it. It is not fabulous like others, but I don't care. Fabulous is in the eye of the beholder and my bathtub and bed are totally awesome tonight.

I will write more coherently tomorrow.

I am so tired now I just actually posted this on the wrong blog, but luckily could cut and paste it here.

Last full day here

2009-07-11T06:03:00.002-06:00

At times like these, I wish that none of my relatives read this blog - oh how I wpuld love for this post to be a bit of a rant. But I don't want to hurt anyone and I certainly do not want to need to make amends for writing something on my blog, so I will be vague and not really say anything I want to say - which as you bloggers probably know - defeats the whole purpose of a blog.

It is beautiful here. I have enjoyed painting every day. I have enjoyed the beach everyday, though I now look a bit like Lobster Girl. I have some paintings to bring home that I actually like. It has been nice to spend time with my sister and my niece.

But a week of vacation for me is too long. I NEED to go home. I will leave tomorrow afternoon and be home tomorrow night. I can't think of anything better in the whole wide world than my own little car, my own little house (modest as it is), my own little family, and my own little friends - even though they may not be multi-jillionnaires or world renowned.

Yes, my own little life sounds like my own little slice of heaven... Tomorrow.

Freezing cold

2009-07-09T20:14:00.002-06:00

Probably exaggerated by my sunburn, I am very cold, and about to crawl under the down comforter and go to sleep.

I tackled subject matter probably a little too difficult today and had to paint over about a third of the canvas at the end of today and I will hope to salvage it tomorrow. Who knew beach grass and sand were so hard to paint? (not me)

It is weird to be so far away from everyone. My cell phone works so infrequently as to be useless and this silly iPod is really my only link to the world as I know it. Probably good for me, but I am so ready to to back to my life - with a whole new appreciation that I really think is the whole point of taking a vacation. See? I even appreciate blogging again. I needed a vacation very badly.

Can't wait to share some pictures with you all!

1400th post

2009-07-08T20:11:00.002-06:00

I must like this to have done it 1400 times...

Oh how I wish I could share some photos with you all. I will after I get home. I did another painting I really love today. It is great to get help and encouragement from a teacher. That must be why people pay money for classes, it actually works.

To spend all day on the ocean is wonderful, but I am scorched and tired and need to go to sleep - I think I will do that now. Goodnight... The sounds of the woods sure are different from the sounds of my home, but it is peaceful.

Blogging from an iPod

2009-07-07T20:46:00.002-06:00

Is difficult - but I miss blogging. I wish I could post pictures of the beautiful Hamptons beach and the places I have been going.

Today I did a painting that thrilled me so much I wanted to send a picture to our Scott W. But I only have intermittent and very sketchy cell phone service here.

Any time I get to spend more than a couple of days with my family I get to realize how much more work I have to do - how far I still have to go - and just how damaged I am still. But it is a long way from 1989 when I came here without a home to return to. Although my home is a far cry from this kind of opulence, it is mine - and it is good.

Tomorrow I shall paint some sand dunes and see how much more sunburned I can get. Miss you all - and if your comments section is of the popup variety, I cannot access from this thing.

I love the perspective I get from going on vacation ... My life is SO good!

Off the Grid

2009-07-04T20:49:00.004-06:00

I am off on an adventure. Boldly I am off for a week without a computer. I have not done this since I started blogging in 2005. Last year when I went to Alaska, I ended up being without internet access most of the time, but I hadn't planned to do that.

I decided to just go with the flow of this vacation and not make the effort (which I think would be considerable) to be online while I am gone. I may be able to get my iPod Touch to wifi occasionally and may be able to post comments... not sure.

I am spending a week with my sister on Long Island. We are taking a painting class each morning and intend to spend each afternoon on the beach. I am hopeful that it will be mostly kicking back and relaxing.

My wish for all of us bloggers while we are out of communication? We will all still be sober a week from now. We will have nothing but good news from the week. We will each have had several spiritual experiences. We will have impacted others in only a positive way and they will have "retaliated seemingly without provocation" by impacting us also in a positive way.

God Bless You all, Love and best wishes from Mary Christine XXXOOO

Happy Independence Day

2009-07-03T22:55:00.002-06:00

What a particularly meaningful day for recovering alcoholics! Who can value independence more than a person who has lost it? We, who have been slaves to alcohol, have a profound appreciation of freedom.

A fabulous time was had by all at my house today. What a thrill to see my big brother at my door. And the rest of the family. There were so many people in here. There was so much food. And most of it got eaten. The kids liked the little hamburgers we made (sliders), and the adults went more for the bratwurst. My brother enjoyed eating potato salad made from our mother's recipe.

And this year, I get to not only be grateful for my sobriety, but also my daughter's. She was thrilled to be a part of a family celebration. She has been so dysfunctional for so long that she has not even seen her favorite uncle for 12 years... or her cousin... and never met the little ones. She had the best day. What a thrill it is to watch her go through those early revelations of what sober life is. Getting to be a part of a family again, etc.

So, I wish I could serve you all up a piece of apple pie, with some vanilla ice cream on the side, but I can only give you a virtual piece.

So, here is a virtual slice of apple pie in celebration of our independence from alcohol. God Bless us, and God Bless America.

Therapeutic Steam

2009-07-02T22:41:00.004-06:00

You know, there is something about cooking that straightens out my thinking. Or maybe I just cooked so much tonight I am too tired to be very stressed out.

What a lovely evening. Today was another wack-a-doo day at work. There are many of those anticipated in the future. But I try not to write very much about work here. I am grateful to be gainfully employed in the field I spent many years getting educated to work in (and I recently read that the rule about not ending a sentence with a preposition is silly and outdated, but it still just feels wrong to me).

I am now on vacation. I don't return to work until July 14. Yippee. I am excited about it.

I have a huge family dinner here tomorrow. So, tonight I made potato salad and I forced my daughter to make a key lime pie. And after she made it, she talked to her boyfriend on the phone about how she made this pie all by herself and she will be happy to make him one... it was so cute.

I came into the house from the back yard and saw that steam rising off my stove and all the stuff all over the counter and it made me so happy. I am pretty compulsively neat, so I cannot possibly LEAVE stuff all over the place like that, so when I see it, I know there is something really special going on. And there is.

Tomorrow my brother, who lives far, far away in North Carolina, will be here. And his wife, who has been my sister-in-law since 1965. And their son. And his wife, and their three children - and my niece's two children. And my three children (adults to anyone but me). Oh joy. I am so excited. My brother and his wife have never been to this house.

Tomorrow I need to get up early to get to mass before the day begins. Then I have another pie to bake, and some last minute sprucing up to do, and more cooking. My son will be manning the grill, which is a good thing.

This is good stuff. Very good.

Wednesday

2009-07-01T20:46:00.002-06:00

Did you ever know a gift shop lady volunteer at a hospital? They are usually retired, grey haired, and kind hearted - or they wouldn't be spending their time, earning no money, working at a gift shop. Particularly at a psych hospital. Patients in the gift shop require a special kind of interpersonal skill I know I don't possess.

One of my favorites died over the weekend. Her face always lit up when I walked into the shop and she would say "Hi Mary!" as if she was waiting all day for me to come in and now that I had, her day was complete. I am sure she treated everyone that way, but you would never know it, because you just felt so special because of the way she treated you.

I had planned to attend her funeral tomorrow. But something else I absolutely must attend was scheduled at the same time. So, instead of doing what I should be doing and being at my friend's funeral, I will be sitting in a stinky conference room discussing an event that I have a hard time talking about without crying, and I will sit there and calmly dissect the event like I am a robot. I will write it up and analyze it and talk to people about what we can do better, and how we are not going to have this happen again, etc.

Tonight I went over to my neighbor's. I should have known not to do this. She is moving. It is their last night in their house. As I left, she hugged me and thanked me for all that I have done for her (not that it was anything that wasn't a pleasure for me), and there were the waterworks again. He husband found me a Kleenex and I got the heck out of there.

I am sad tonight about a couple of losses. I know that tomorrow it will seem different. But tonight, it feels so sad.

Good bye Erma. You were a one of a kind. They don't make 'em like you anymore. I will miss you terribly.

Tuesday Evening

2009-06-30T21:01:00.003-06:00

I just got in from a lovely dinner with my nephew from Houston, his wife, my son and my daughter. It is always a marvel to me that I get to have family who I love and who seem to love me and we actually enjoy spending time together. How cool is that?

I stopped on my way home from work and got a pedicure and manicure which was lovely. It gave me a good excuse to put my feet on my new jute rug and take a photo. I think this rug is the cat's meow. I tried not to buy one for my dining room, but bamboo is so soft, the floor was getting scuffed up from the dining room chairs. So, now I have a lovely rug to protect my floor - and look beautiful. It even smells good!

I have been running since 3:30 this a.m., and I need to get up tomorrow at about that time and go all day tomorrow too. Getting ready for vacation is really a lot of work! But fun!

I will meet one of my sponsee's at the meeting tomorrow morning at 6:30. It is a good thing. Very good thing. It is amazing to me how much love can be contained in one little room - an AA meeting. If you don't understand - keep coming back - you will.

XXXOOOO, MC

Some photos I didn't blog about....

2009-06-29T19:04:00.006-06:00

I am technically challenged tonight - so instead of having the caption of the photo just underneath the photo, I will bunch them up here.

My daughter and I went out for pizza one Friday night and on the way home (one mile from my house), I looked over as I was driving and saw that elk! I thought I was seeing things! It was humungous! It was gorgeous and looked like a statue. I pulled over and started taking pictures. After a while, I noticed that there was a whole line of cars behind us, all with arms with cell phones hanging out of the windows - taking pictures. It was really something.

My daughter and I (oh, it is so nice to write that phrase) were at an AA Founder's Day picnic. It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon, but we are in a severe weather pattern and beautiful can turn strange very quickly. Some guy was standing and said "look, there is a funnel cloud!" I looked and didn't see it - but I looked a minute longer and saw the most amazing thing up in the sky. That is a photo of the first one. There were three funnel clouds in all as we stood there, getting pounded with wind and rain. And, being a wonderful mother, setting a wonderful example for my daughter, I stood out in this crazy weather taking pictures with my cell phone, along with my daughter and a whole lot of other nutty sober drunks. It was scary, but oddly exciting. It was a wonderful day.

Parenthetical: what a miraculous thing to attend an AA picnic with my daughter. She knew more people than I did! And there were some people who said hello to both of us and then found out I am her mother - the shock! and then the recognition that "Gee! This makes sense!" And to sit with her and her ex and eat lunch - all of us sober. What a miracle. I could never have anticipated 10 years ago when they first got together that I would some day relish the sober company of those two. I truly love that guy I thought was the worst nightmare that ever darkened my door 10 short years ago!

Two roses from my garden. In a tiny vase that was brought to me by a beau from Prague. I love roses and I love that tiny vase.

One of my peony bushes. I LOVE peonies. My mother had them. And I have them.

And finally, the dreaded wetsuit! I returned it this morning. I was happy to hand it back!

So, this is just some of the stuff that has been happening while I have been writing about the past.

I get to do stuff

2009-06-28T17:24:00.004-06:00

My medal for completing the triathlon today. I earned this one!
For this race, they not only marked your arms and thighs with your bib number, but they marked the back of your calf with your age. I declined to have this done yesterday, but this morning, I thought - heck yes! I am 57 years old and participating in a triathlon! I am happy to claim that.

This race was HARD. The water was cold which necessitated the use of a wetsuit. Swimming in a wetsuit is like swimming in a body sized girdle. I think if you are stick thin that might feel good, but it is tricky for others. As I was swimming, there were two separate occasions, with two separate women, where I needed to stop and stay with women who were in trouble and flag down some help. I had to do what I learned how to do in AA - just be with someone and just let them know someone is there, and someone cares. They both couldn't breathe because of their wetsuits. My swim took about 15 minutes longer than it normally does, but I was grateful to be able to be there for those women who needed a hand.

If I would have gone out there this morning just to show off my athletic prowess, the day would have to be considered a dismal failure. But before I left the house this morning, I prayed for God to show me how I could be of service to Him and my fellows, and He did!

It is also very nice to hang out with women my age in the transition area. There aren't many of us at a triathlon. It is super fun to hang out before and after the race and also as we may catch each other on the transitions.

The other thing? It is so nice to see women's breasts. Most women who do triathlons wear tri suits, which are like swimming suits, and then when we get out of the water, we just get on the bike with that and a shirt or not - I always put a skirt and a shirt over my tri suit. Anyway, so here are all these women without their usual breast hardware, a.k.a. bras. And do you know that real women's breasts look virtually nothing like those big round hard things that protrude just south of the collarbones of actresses, models, and other people who like to show them off? Just an observation from a triathlon....

I am grateful to be a sober woman who gets to do stuff. I get to be happy to let someone put a "57" on my leg. As I passed another woman on the run portion, she shouted out to me "AGE ROCKS!" and I agree!

Life is so good.

Back to Life

2009-06-27T20:02:00.004-06:00

Getting ready for a triathlon tomorrow morning. At the crack of dawn. I need to be on the road by 4:00 a.m. I am excited! In the above backpack is my wetsuit and other stuff that I didn't feel like hauling out just for a photo... but I think the photo captures the mood... preparation and excitement.

And I just threw in a rose for good measure. I have missed 25 days worth of roses and peonies. In fact, the peonies are already spent - but it was a banner year for them. They were gorgeous!

My daughter went missing for 24 or so hours. By the time I went to church tonight, I cried through the whole thing. I kept telling myself that she was fine and that I was wasting a lot of energy worrying. But it is a hard thing to allow yourself to love like that and have the kind of hope that is shining bright in my heart for her.

She called tonight at about 6:30. She and her fellow decided to spend an extra day fishing in Wyoming. They were having such fun. Oh, I cried with relief when I got this call.

It is almost easier to live in despair. But I will take the hard path if it means having hope and love in my heart.

Wish me good luck on my first triathlon wearing a wetsuit. Thanks!

What it was like: Year Twenty-Five

2009-06-26T20:19:00.005-06:00

Praise God! This is the end of this series of posts. I have complained, but it has been very good for me. I don't sit around thinking about my early sobriety or my later years, and I certainly don't sit around thinking - Gosh, I have come a long way!

I am not done with my twenty-fifth year yet. I have 5 weeks or so left in it. I hope to stay sober until July 24. If I had to bet, I would be willing to place money on the odds that I will still be sober then. But I am keenly aware that it is one day at a time and I can get drunk just as well as anyone else. But if I keep doing what I have been doing for the last 24.91 years, I will likely get what I have been getting for that time... that is sobriety. Not always the prettiest picture of sobriety, but it is sober - for reals.

When I think back on this year, I think of being tired. I haven't had a vacation for a year now. It has been my triennial super-busy year at work. It has been busy at home too.

Here's the other thing I think of when I think of the past year. My darling daughter asked me in January if she could go to the 6:30 a.m. meeting with me. I was a little bit shocked, but acted like it was the most normal thing in the world. I love to see God work in the life of a person making the most tentative exploration of maybe being sober... I took her to this meeting of mostly well-educated, well-to-do, middle-aged white people. Yuppies, she would call them.

My precious girl is covered in tattoos and has chosen a very tough life for herself. That life is evident when you look at her. She is very very charming (as we tend to be) and it never fails to surprise me the favorable way people react to her. Anyway... on this morning in the middle of January, at this yuppie meeting, there was a lot of talk about prison, parole officers, probation officers, etc. It was a perfect meeting for my daughter. It was a weird meeting, I just sat back and got to admire the evidence of the hand of God - again.

I have hope in my heart for her for the first time in over a decade. She has been sober since that day in January. Just writing that makes me feel short of breath. So, I think I will stop.

Maybe I am too tired as I try to write this tonight. Because, really, when I think of the past year, I think of being really tired. I have a triathlon on Sunday and I needed to be rested before then....

I am grateful to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I am grateful for the way my life has changed. I am grateful for so many people I love. Life is good. Incredibly good.

What it was like: Year Twenty-Four

2009-06-25T19:27:00.006-06:00

Let me just tell you: I am sick to death of this. ME! ME! ME! Good Lord! Enough!

However, I have just two years (days) left to complete my commitment to document each year of my sobriety.

This gets tricky. As my sobriety has gone on and I have grown, my life has changed. My beliefs have changed. I usually write my blog keeping my readership in mind. I get a lot of readers who don't know much about AA and are wondering if AA is for them. People search for info about AA and I have been writing this blog for so long (every single day) and I write the words "Alcoholics Anonymous" so often that my blog comes up when someone googles AA or Alcoholics Anonymous, or any number of searches about alcoholism and recovery from alcoholism. That, I feel is my mission here, to provide some information about what it was like, what happened, and what it is like now - for an alcoholic - me.

When we get into the later years, if I am honest, I need to write about my spiritual journey, which offends some. That is why I keep these cards kind of close to my chest most of the time.

When I got to AA, I was so happy to be able to choose my own concept of a higher power. As time went on, this concept changed. I was finally led very gently back to the church of my youth. If you had told me that I would have to go back to the Catholic Church when I got sober, I would have told you where to go. But the Hand of God has led me many places I haven't wanted to go - and then I have been eternally grateful that I got to go.

My journey back to Catholicism has been one of the most wonderful aspects of being sober. To do it by the book is something that is so important to me. The "rules" are no longer something for "other" people, they are for me. I don't have it perfect by any means, but I am trying every day.

I have been enrolled in Biblical School for the last two years. I thought I would become somewhat of a biblical scholar after 4 years of study, but I have to say that I have learned that I could study for a lifetime and not "get" a fraction of this incredible book. The journey is something that has meant the world to me.

This is who I am. We do get to express this. All of us.

So, my 24th year? Well, my son came home from Iraq. Words cannot say what that was like. I did blog about it at the time. It was wonderful. I ran 2 half marathons. I went to Alaska to run one of them. I was in a car accident in July. It hurt my back. More. My daughter lost custody of her children and there was a restraining order so that she couldn't even see them. She went into rehab and went quickly back to meth and booze. It was a nightmare.

But I had my Church, I had my AA group, I had you bloggers, and I was OK. No matter what.

2009-06-25T18:03:00.002-06:00

Michael Jackson

1958 - 2009

Rest in Peace

But, as with most humans, he is more likely to have varied traits."

Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 61

What it was like: Year Twenty-three

2009-06-24T19:07:00.002-06:00

Its kind of weird to be writing here about the years when I have been writing every single day in this blog. Nothing much has changed in the last couple of years.

In year twenty-three, I was plugging through having my son in Iraq. It was an unbelievable challenge for me. I started going to meetings a lot - sometimes 2 a day. I was going to so many meetings, I ended up sponsoring 7 women at the same time. Which just about drove me out of my mind. The way I sponsor is a bit too time intensive to do this with 7 people, 6 of whom were in their first year and doing the steps for the first time.

We had the winter of insane snow. I hurt my back by falling on my driveway the very first day of the blizzard.

I was running a lot! I realized I could train to run a half-marathon. And I did so. I ran my first half-marathon in May of 2007. It was a tremendous thing for me.

I was thrilled to be able to sign up for a four year biblical school. It was something that I was able to commit to and I was pretty happy about that.

OK, I am going to transcribe what is written in my birthday journal because it sums it up:

"The overriding feeling this year is gratitude for a pretty big chunk of my life lived sober. I raised my kids sober. I got my education sober. I started my career in healthcare sober. My grandchildren have never seen me drink. My kids don't remember me drunk. It is a miracle. This last year? K. in Iraq - that's been hard. Thank God I did what I know how to do and jumped into AA with both feet. Thank God. I ran a half-marathon in May and will do another in October. My triathlon is next weekend. I start Biblical School in August. I am very excited about that! Really, a very very good year. Thank you Lord."

What it was like: Year Twenty-two

2009-06-23T21:50:00.002-06:00

In 2005, I celebrated 21 years of sobriety. It had been a hard but good year. I was spending a lot of time running, biking, and swimming and it really added a whole new dimension to my life. I have always suffered from depression, and this physical activity seemed to keep the depression at bay, which was pretty wonderful.

On August 19 2005 (two years from the day my cowboy left for the last time) I went over the handlebars of my bike on my way to work. I broke one or more ribs and was sidelined from all of my physical activity. It was rough. I was in a lot of pain. Once the pain subsided I thought I could run again, but it only made the pain come back. So I sat quietly and tried to learn whatever lessons God had in store for me.

I had started a blog the year before to talk about triathlon training. I found that boring, so I started another one about politics. I love politics and I used to spend a lot of time keeping track of what was going on. I had endless opinions about most everything and I thought it would be fun to express them. It was the time of Katrina and my son had gone with the National Guard to help. I wrote about the frustration of knowing that the people he went to help were shooting at helicopters - like the one he was in. And some jackass came along and started arguing with just about everything I said. I had NO readership whatsoever, except for this guy. I went to HIS blog with the intent to retaliate and found that he was an AA member. Well, I wasn't going to put my AA life on my blog with my real name and political junk on it, so I started a whole different account just to be anonymous and talk to this guy. Once we were AA members talking to each other, all the differences were overlooked... we were just fellow travelers on this road.

Soon he stopped blogging and I was blogging maybe once a week. Then in November of 2005, a wonderful blogger who has since stopped blogging discovered my blog and let her blogger buddies know and before long I had readers! It was the most exciting thing! I had a broken rib, I was not able to do most of the things that usually took a lot of my time, so I sat and wrote posts and visited others blogs for a great amount of time each day. I was in love with blogging and the bloggers. It was such a wonderful thing.

In the spring that year, I took a class in Icon Writing. I spent a week in silent meditative painting of St. Michael the Archangel. The instructor was a Russian Iconographer. It was incredibly wonderful. It was the same week my son was leaving for his training before he went to Iraq. That was a difficult time for me, so to be spending a week meditating on this Saint, the Patron Saint of Soldiers - was incredible. It helped me tremendously. (I just found out this morning that I am going to be able to take another class in August - I cannot wait!)

I was able to go back to my old morning meeting some time in this year. I was so glad to be back there. That was a meaningful piece of healing in my life.

I will probably later remember other things that happened that year, but I find my entry for my 22nd birthday so nice, I am going to post a lot of it here. One of the members of my morning group died in July and his funeral happened to be on my 22nd AA birthday. It might have been one of the better birthdays I have ever had.

"On my actual birthday, I went to ___'s funeral. There was some kind of symmetry in that, not that I seem to be able to articulate it. I sat in the back of the church between J. and A. and felt so at home. Where I belong. Not necessarily at a funeral, but with my people. These are truly my people. I don't like them all, but I do love them - every single one. They don't all love me, but we share our lives, our solutions, and our problems. And because of that, we are not the ones who are being cremated and buried. To see F. in a suit just about broke my heart. He looked wonderful, let me hasten to add, not like so many drunks who buy a cheap suit and look like it. But F. belongs in a tee shirt, shorts, and hiking boots - not a suit. God Bless him.

In February, E. suicided. God Bless E. May he rest in eternal peace. I miss him.

In February, M (my sponsor) and T. moved to the western slope. God, there is a hole blowing right through me on that one.

K. (my son) leaves today on a ship for Kuwait, then to Iraq. Thank God for the program of AA, most of the time I am not overly mental about this. Trying to stay in the moment, etc. God Bless my son. I am so proud of him. He is a good man. Please hold him in the palm of your hand dear Lord.

Thank you for this 22 years and may I have another day."

I also wrote my blog that day, and if you are just insatiable for all the details of my 22nd birthday, you may check it out here... it is interesting all the wonderful comments and how many of those people are not around anymore.... just like my real meetings.