_VICTOR_: "Let us whisper to hear ourselves..."

Isang Kanta.

2009-03-01T20:57:00.000+08:00

Bago ako matulog, hinawakan ko ang gitara at bumuo ng kanta, ayon sa tono ng abakada.
(Kayo na ang bahalang humusga kung pano niyo ilalapat ang mga salita sa abakada)
Eto po ang liriks:

o O o O o O o
Ala-una y media ng madaling araw. Naririto ako, kinakausap na naman ang sarili sa pamamagitan ng elektronikong papel na ito.

Nag-iisip. Nag-mumuni. (at Nagugutom na rin).

Pabalik na naman ako sa bansa ng mga Hapon upang magtrabaho ng halos isang buwan.

Ang Lahat ay Bago.
Bagong istorya. Bagong karanasan. Bagong kapupulutan ng aral.

Mahirap dahil may mga taong maiiwan.
Si Ayen, Lo, La, 'Ta, te, Bert, Ma, Pa, Tol, atbp.

Hindi ko alam pero hindi ako makatulog.
Excited? Hindi...
Pressured? Hindi...
Masaya? Uhmm. pinipilit.
Malungkot? Uhmm. oo.
E ano? baka gutom...
oo nga. nakakagutom mag-isip kung bakit nga ba.

1...2...5...10...20.... 30.. babalik na ulit.
Pero bago ang lahat... kahit sa isang buwan lang.. bago ang pagbalik...
Susubukan kong matuto ng aral... susubukan ko kahit saglit.
Kahit malungkot, pipilitin ko pa rin ito sa halip...

At Ako'y magiging bagong tao muli.
o O o O o O o

open xmas prayer.

2008-12-27T07:26:00.000+08:00

i'm tired.

2008-11-25T00:07:00.000+08:00

i just am.

A Father's Advice

2008-11-24T07:27:00.000+08:00

I was watching Rocky Balboa a while ago, and one important conversation had stuck in my mind...

Rocky Sr. and Rocky Jr. (his son) were arguing about the old Rocky's decision to fight again... The kid was blaming his father about the people's perspective of the kid as being the father's shadow. According to the kid, all his fortunes (jobs, etc. etc.) were all because of being a "Balboa". Unfortunately, not only the fortunes, but also the negative views of others. And this time, he (Sr.) is up for a big time match against a world champion (-which will be another critic's lair for other people-) despite his being old .

======================
Rocky Jr : "...Don't you care about what other people say?!..."

(pause.. then Rocky Sr. starts describing his son when he was just a small kid and used to carry him..)

Rocky Sr : "...Then the time came for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life..."
======================

These lines directly hit me.

Wow... one big mean fatherly punch from a boxing legend to his son....
I never expected to get these striking lines from what i expected to be an action-packed movie.

All's good.
Cheers.

It's hard to be happy...

2008-10-12T19:27:00.000+08:00

...that's why we need to strive to be.

share ko lang, fave line ko from one fave poem Desiderata:

"... Strive to be happy."

It is actually the last line, but the most striking. Try mo basahin... Iba ang dating nung last line eh... After mo ma-chew yung mga unang series of lines... tapos biglang babanatan ka ng "strive to be happy", iba tlaga yung dating... *applause* to the author.

Again,here is the link.

trangkaso

2008-09-27T02:38:00.000+08:00

oo, tina-trangkaso ako. Sick leave kahapon. masama pa rin pakiramdam ngayon. sana ok na bukas.... @_@

pauwi na ako...

2008-09-13T19:29:00.000+08:00

almost one month na ako dito sa japan... puro trabaho.. nakakapagod... hindi talaga nakagala... hay..
pero madami natutunan:

+ nakakaantok talaga sa tahimik na office
+ ang hirap bumawi sa puyat at stress... kailangan kumain ng madami... kaya tumataba... hay!
+ si marc, kahit anong pang-asar ang gawin ko (tinawag ko na nga na kabayo eh..) .. tlagang hindi na siya napipikon.. changed man, i think?
+ si gams, lakas mang-asar (kay marc)
+ si saito-san, ang hilig mag "hmm...! hmm..! hmm...! hmmm..! hmmm...!"
+ si uchikawa-san may trauma na sa pinas
+ si fujisawa-san, ang mukhang pinoy
+ si iijima-san... super cool at sarap kausap pag lasing..
+ si kayumi-san, nagyyosi pala
+ si kitayama-san, napaka-outgoing at cheerful na tao
+ ung manong na may ari nung horumon (kainan na nag-iihaw) malapit sa dorm namin ay super bait
+ sarap burger ng mcdo dito, malalaki
+ mahirap talaga mag code/debug pag walang music... ung debugging powers ko, lowered by 30% dahil bored at inaantok dahil alang music.. pero in fairness, mas productive pa yata ako dito kesa sa pinas... hehehe...
+ sarap pala ng onigiri (ung kinakain ni naruto, ung rice cake)
+ kahit sang lugar ako dalhin, lagi ako nallate
+ may mga panahon talaga na nakakalungkot, pero ang mahalaga, go on ka pa rin sa mga bagay na dapat mo gawin...
+ sarap ng milk tea
+ ibang iba ang nagagawa if you put yourself into what you are doing... at saka kung you hold yourself responsible sa mga bagay bagay... nakakatakot.. pero minsan tlagang dapat akuin natin ung responsibility just to push ourself to do something
+ ang hirap ng may nami-miss na tao
+ ang sarap ng feeling na kahit mahirap ang ginagawa mo, may mga taong sumusuporta at naniniwala sayo.. nakakatakot kasi baka madisappoint sila pero at the same time nakaka-inspire...
+ tiwala lang talaga kay Big Boss..

eto ay rough list lng ng mga natutunan ko... mga kalokohan at mga seryosong bagay na naencounter ko dito sa japan...

sabi ko nung kddting ko plng japan, "...I'll be a better person."
mssbi ko ngayon, "I am now..." -kahit kaunting level up lang.. basta mahalaga nag-grow.
I guess.. hindi rin lugi sa trip na to.. kahit puro trabaho...

Kahit anong pangit or worse or nakakapagod ung sitwasyon, the best thing that i did was...
looked at things with the sole purpose of learning and growing up...

yehey.. pauwi na ako...

...ang sabi ni lolo...

2008-09-01T18:07:00.000+08:00

"..minsan kailangan mo mawala para makarating ka sa paroroonan mo..."
ang sabi ko kay lolo, "e pano kung nakalimutan ko na ang paroroonan ko?"

at nung gabing din yun, natikman ko ang isa sa pinakamasakit na hampas sa buong buhay ko...

yan yung mga tipong "literally - hard lessons in life".. tipong kailangan mo umaray... at kahit natutunan mo pa agad agad, may bukol ka pa rin....

...and just when you thought...

2008-08-28T01:02:00.000+08:00

...you'll realize that that thought is just a dummy assurance of whatever we want to secure for ourselves.

It's funny how our brains create a sphere of security making us feel that nothing can break our stability, where in reality we just created another prisoner -ourselves... so fearful that his/her sight is blinded by frustrations.

...and in the end, we'll just realize that there are things that are so fragile. No matter how much we preserve them.

I am a victim. We all are.

Japan!

2008-08-21T18:27:00.000+08:00

3 days na ako sa Japan... summer... mainit..
Kahit sa office, ang init pa rin sobra... Dito lng sa room ko malamig.. pero, nakakainis, kasi namamatay yung aircon automatically.. hindi ko maayos kasi japanese characters yung nasa remote controller niya. hay hay hay..

Medyo, unti unti ko na nararamdaman yung talagang purpose ko dito: WORK! kaya ako nagpost ngayon, kasi baka next few days, super OT na. Anyway, what's new sa akin:

+ napaso dila ko sa pepper lunch
+ kumain ako ng malamig na noodles, kasi oo lang ako ng oo dun sa waitress, at mali yung sinabi ni gams... (hehehe. peace tayo gams!)
+ napupuno na ang labahan ko @_@
+ pa-late na ng pa-late ang gising ko, delekado eto..
+ naaaliw na ako sa mga trains
+ nagiging comfortable na ako sa office <-- meaning, inaantok na ako madalas
+ kumain ako ng "newly-expired" bread na nabili ko nung isang araw, at kanina pla expiration date
+ kumain ako ng corned beef na hindi ko alam kung panis na kasi wala nga ako panlasa kasi napaso dila ko sa pepper lunch

Anyway, ok dito sa japan.. pero ayun.. malungkot pa rin.
Pero kahit na i'm missing a lot of person (especially, someone who's very special), inspired pa rin ako. She's been very supportive. Nagttxt and nag-eemail.. She even gave me 5 pieces of my ever favorite munch mallows... Sabi niya dapat 25 daw dpt bbgay niya, kaso wala kami mahanap... She did a lot of things for me before I left to work here in Japan for one month. Sobrang, naaappreciate ko...

Im grateful for all these things...
Grateful ako sa opportunity to work here.
Grateful ako sa family ko.
Grateful ako sa mga kaibigan ko.
Grateful ako sa mga officemates ko (miss u guys).
Grateful ako sa kanya...

Sabi ko sa sarili ko... pag balik ko sa 'pinas.. I'll be a better person...

...to Japan!!!

2008-08-18T08:16:00.000+08:00

One month sa Japan... tsk tsk tsk... Sure it's ok and fine with me. Pero debugging trip kasi... hay hay.. I don't know if my problem is the trip itself or because i'm going to miss someone..

i hate to miss someone. hay hay hay...

So eto, before I go.. i got one question...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

If victor is the answer, what is the question?

c'mon! now is the time to throw bread or stones at me... ^_^

S.T.E.A.D.Y. lang...

2008-08-07T01:47:00.000+08:00

mukhang ok naman ngayon ulit pero...
can't really say that it's like before.
even though it's almost like before (hahaha ang gulo)
we haven't talked again about it or what's gonna be.
maybe it's a lot better to just stick around with each other.
no explanations. no conversations. no words. no rules.
just expressing what you feel for each other
is sometimes more than enough.

but i think it's better for me to change priority.
Ok lang maging emotionally attached ka sa bagay/tao.
Pero mahirap pag na-detach ka na sa ibang bagay because of that.
i know it's hard to change focus, but let me try.

MUSIC!!! yeah! music!... yes, relive the passion.
Dami nasa lineup ko ngayon... dapat pag aralan bass lines.
Pero vocals talaga gusto ko... hay hay hay... =(

It's funny how this world lets you feel some kind of security...
The truth is, there are no words of assurance. no guarantees. no safekeeps.
There is only but one moment in the present.
Just stay emotional but strong... sensitive but flexible.

I'll be leaving you parting words of wisdom... "Steady lang... steady lang..."

...na naman??

2008-08-03T11:08:00.001+08:00

everything's not fine...

family matters.

of course, if you're the breadwinner
everybody in the family thinks that you can't have
a relationship because there
might be a possible conflict.

She's one.
And I totally understand her.

But...
what if that's not the case?
what if instead, the other person is willing to help?

I have given my word that everything will be fine.
Just keep the faith.
But again, she wants us to stop what's been growing between us.

I understand her.
Too much pressure on her side i think...
Pero honestly, i can't accept what she wants.
Lalo na't everything seems to be ok.

ang gulo at
nakakapagod din pala.
siguro talagang madaming mali.
wrong place? wrong time?
or mali lang talaga mga ginagawa ko?

"hay.. buhay.." i have to go.. may music jamming pa kami sa may dapitan.. siyeeet... malakas ulan.. baka baha ngayon dun...
I haven't even practiced my bass lines yet...
Im seriously thinking of being in vocals than holding the bass. kaso wala na talaga mag-bbass. And to think, lahat ng member, magagaling kumanta... ano naman edge ko para ako yung maging vocals?... "hay... buhay..." (ulit?? times two na..)

PS. Thanks reyno kahapon... :) Good friend talaga.
PS. to all na nagbabasa nito... wala ako pakialam sa comments niyo.. i mean thanks for your comments, may it be good or bad... ok lang yun.. PERO kung lalapit ka personally at iibring up mo sa akin etong topic na eto for the reason of mang-aasar lang, think twice. be sensitive. That's the fucking reason kaya post eto... i made this entry kasi eto outlet ko. respeto. respeto. respeto.

sorry for being rude. im the same ol' victor... only pissed off.

she's all im thinking right now.

black coffee to the 100th power

2008-07-26T05:43:00.000+08:00

[CONTENT WARNING: cheezy.. but true]

in span of just two months... we knew that we felt something special for each other.

... the laughters
... the special moments
... the sweetness

We also had our fights... light and useless fights but certainly had shown differences between us.
Those were nothing to me..
But to her, it was a different thing.

I've been through relationships... and i know all these things will make relationships grow.
But she took it differently.

And now, she wanted me to hold back my feelings, and even forget ém.
Because she has started to hold back hers.

And that's what fucking hurts... holding back your true feelings.

She has reasons. Maybe it was just too much for her or too much for me... or maybe both. Maybe those fights were too much. She is not ready. And she's holding back her emotions because she just felt she's not ready.

I did accept her proposal. We can become friends.

She said she like me and has special feelings for me.
It's just that everything fell in the wrong time.
Again, that's what fucking hurts... holding back your true feelings.

I asked if i can still ask her out.. Yes
I asked if we can still have our lunch.. Yes
I asked other stuffs that we've been doing, if we can still do them... Yes

But she said, "you just have to change your feelings for me."

I don't know what to do and how to start.

And I felt, for years, It's been another drink of the 100th power of a pure black coffee...

Risks

2008-07-22T01:00:00.000+08:00

Why do you risk something? Why do you want to expose your naked head for something?
Pride? Love? or just plain bravery? Why?

Life is a gamble. There are no guarantees. No exceptions. No dedicated results. There's always that mystery of "why's" and "how's", and come to think of it, most of the times, they will remain as mysteries making us forever desperatingly running after them.

We can't control things... But there's always a part of our life that we can offer to influence what is and will be happening. If we desire on something... that is already a start of what we call "risk". From that point, until we come to our realization of what has happened, we are travelling the path of uncalculated risks... just for something/someone/whatever we long for.

It's just that there are things in our life worth living and even worth dying for.

Stressful day...

2008-07-16T19:55:00.000+08:00

kain nlng ako ng Muncher Green Peas kahit inaantok na ako...

My heart melts...

2008-07-08T21:50:00.000+08:00

TorVic : Hey, thanks sa hinanda mong breakfast kanina ha... Ang sarap nung hipon..
Xxxxxx: Hipon lang yun noh...
TorVic : Oi, appreciated yun sobra... Bihira lang ako makakain ng kanin at ulam talaga sa breakfast... pag adyan lang mama at papa ko... bihira lang yun.. kaya appreciated ko talaga.
Xxxxxx: ...Kaya nga binigay ko sayo yun.....
TorVic : ....

she caught my heart.

Let me say it...

2008-06-15T21:46:00.002+08:00

Hey! yes.. to the one reading this...
I am sorry... but i really have no other outlet.
So please let me say this...

I am fuck*n pissed off right now!!!

So fuck*n pissed!!!

There are things in life...

2008-06-10T23:40:00.001+08:00

...that are frustratingly hard to understand.

Nakakapagod.

2008-06-08T18:21:00.000+08:00

Nakakapagod ngayong araw.

Sobrang nakakapagod pag walang ginagawa.

Mid-Year Analysis.

2008-06-01T23:29:00.003+08:00

======================
WHAT'S NEW

I just feel the urge to post something.

So what's my "actividades" lately?

+ WORK. as always
+ music. yes.. tugtugan na ulit. especially anjan na younger bro ko
+ PSP. one of the best thing about my younger brother is that he has a lot of tech-game stuffs.
+ PS2. look @ the previous explanation
+ PS3. no. JUST KIDDING. how i wish...
+ new DSL bandwidth limit... it's one kilo-hell faster than before
+ and of course, with faster DSL connection.. youtubes and other video sites are always top priority
+ Blood Lagoon. a new (old, but new to me) anime that my eyes and thoughts are munching at the same time
+ Family. yes.. my parents are here and my younger bro... so spend quality time with them as much as possible.
+ thinking of my life.

======================
MID YEAR ANALYSIS

Grabe.. bilis ng panahon. mid 2008 na. looking back.. i got a pretty good start... pero i can't say it's the best... but definitely better than last year.

I've been to different places... tried different new things...
I met different persons... I waved goodbye at old comrades.
I succeeded at different tasks.. I learned from different failures.

One hell of a ride.

But i believe that there are more surprising things to come. So, just bring it on!

"...To mature, one has to create himself... endlessly"

[This isn't the part two] Why I run?

2008-05-25T11:07:00.000+08:00

Although the title is a subset of the previous blog's title, they aren't even connected. "Run" is just a common theme... coincidentally. These are my thoughts while doing my training routine in endurance running this morning.

They say running is one of the basic mobile capability of humans. It's done by walking in increased or increasing speed. Same foot position. Same body movement. You lift and advance one foot, let the other one support your whole body weight. As you advance your foot, you incline your body towards that direction gradually shifting the weight and the center of gravity aligned to that foot. Once that foot touches the ground, it's the time to lift the other one. The cycle goes on.

I say running is done the opposite way.
As you advance, you carry your weight. Not leaving the weight to the other foot and gradually shifting it to the other. No. You carry it as you advance. No. You carry it even before you lift that foot.

From that very nerve pulse you use to dictate your advancing foot, you negotiate within yourself the weights that you'll carry to your advancement. These are your pupose, your reason. You don't run without a purpose. You carry that weight even before deciding to run. You don't run without a reason to. Even Mr. Gump has a reason, only not that obvious -even to himself.

Now, Why do i run?
I run NOT because I'm a world-class runner NOR an all-time athlete
It's because I want to know endurance... personified, not defined.
But don't get me wrong, I am a lazy, lazy person. I have that big problem.
There are months I run twelve times 10 KMs. But there are also months that I run twice 5 KMs only.
Running gives me satisfaction. Like a "succubus sucking my sorry soul."
It can also give me disappointments... but in a form of "ultra-bitter vitamin for the brain"
That nourishes and encourages until the next head out.
I run because sometimes plain standing and walking is tiring.
And sometimes, running seems to be easier than what everyone expects it to be.
Everytime I run, I tire myself and burn my heart out until I hit what we runners call as "The Wall".
"The Wall" is every runner's, no... everyone's blackhole.
It's like you're in the edge of yourself... No more left inside you.
It drives you crazy. Telling you "It ain't gonna matter anymore".
Fuck! Your legs are trembling. Your breathing is deeper than ever.
But this is where you'll appreciate the "weight".
If you have studied physics... no... just a plain common sense.
You have a bigger chance of breaking that wall
a) if you hit it using the HEAVY advancing foot because you carried the weight rather than leaving it to the other foot; than:
b) hitting it with a weightless foot and then shifting the weight towards that foot gradually
Chances are, "The Wall" is just a matter of consistency... of being what you are in the beginning, or even growing better/faster... of putting your weights in your advancing foot than leaving it behind the other.

That's why running is done this way. It's like living.

Why i run late in the morning....?

2008-05-11T10:50:00.000+08:00

I woke up late this morning.. around 8:30. I was late jogging around UP acad oval @ 10:00 am. There were only few people jogging around. I thought it was not that motivating because there's no one i could jog with... So i remembered one thing:

A colleague of mine once told me, "It's hard to work without inspiration... It's like you're doing something for nothing/no one..."

I looked at my watch, it's already 11:30 am... I don't see anybody jogging infront or beside me... Realizing this, I stopped jogging and started walking. Then after a while, i looked behind me and i realized that there was this little kid who has been jogging and following me around. I smiled at her and started jogging in slow paces again....

I should have told my colleague back then, "You should'nt stop working still... You might be one reason why others work."

Confidence + over = ???

2008-05-08T00:33:00.000+08:00

Yes... Is it over-confidence? or the confidence is over?

Why am i acting so cool, yet the pressure in my work is getting heavier...? with the approaching deadlines, the addition of new issues and problems... how can i make that poker face and play jokes around?

In times like this, one has to hang on to himself/herself.
After all, our "self" is the only thing we've got.
Know what your going to do... And just do it... wholeheartedly.
If it'll succeed, then congratulations.
Otherwise, learn from it.
Fears... feel them, let them flow through... but never let them stay.

This is one hard philosophy.

I am even not that good in what i am doing...
The only thing i am good at is keeping the faith.

Yes i know, just plain believing in myself won't get me somewhere. But hey, i know it is still the start of something that can lead me anywhere.

So keep the faith and just do your thing!

Thanks to Big Boss up there.

4th week of April: pU3Rt0 Ga-Le-Ra!!!

2008-04-29T07:58:00.009+08:00

I'll never forget this April, even though it's almost over.
My pit stops:

+ Tagaytay and Nasugbu <--- 1st week of april
+ Tokyo, Japan <---- 2nd week of april (stayed there for a week)
+ Puerto Galera <---- last week of april

It's almost a complete round table except that my baguio marathon did not push through. It is supposed to be in the third week of april. Sayang!

I'm with my cousin and her boyfriend. Hahaha... i wish that i had someone. Anyway, This May, I am turning 1 year-old-single... naisipan ko lang ishare. ;P

Well, so much for words...

Grr... I had trouble uploading these pictures... malaki yung file. you can click them to see the picture in their actual size.

+============================+
STOLEN

+============================+
BENCH MODEL

+============================+
With my cousin. SUNOG KAMI

+============================+
I will conquer the world

+============================+
With my cousin ulit. WHAT A POSE

...i'l be uploading more pictures in my friendster