Points to Ponder

ALONE

2008-08-17T18:59:00.012-05:00

How long has it been since you spent a little time with yourself?

I mean completely alone.
No TV on, no talk radio blaring, no computer game in front of you.

I am talking totally, completely, and absolutely alone.

Alone...
With only your thoughts to keep you occupied.

I want you to try this right now.
Turn off the iTunes.
Close the door so no one can bother you for a few minutes.
Shut the dog in the yard or the bathroom on the other side of the house.

It has to be as quiet as possible, I have found, for this to be successful.

Now, for about 5 minutes, try to think only about yourself.
Not what you are going to make for supper.
Not the deadlines for projects you have not even started.
Not what your husband/wife/children are doing.
Not who is mowing their grass outside your window.

Just you. YOU!

Close your eyes, if you need to. Turn off the light. Just do it for 5 minutes. See if you can make it that long.

Ready...

Set...

GO!

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

How'd ya do?
Did you make it for the full 5 minutes?
It's hard, isn't it?

Well, on the way home from China, I spent about half the time completely and totally alone. Although I was stuffed into that plane, like sardines, with 400 other people, I still felt absolutely alone.

Ten hours of only concentrating on me.
Ten hours of thinking about where I had been and where I was going.
Ten hours of nothingness.
Ten hours of demons screaming through my brain.
Ten hours of deafening silence.

I was stuck in my own mind, wandering around in there, desperately searching for clues to thousands of unanswered questions.

It was maddening! It was exhausting! It was even a little depressing!

But, interesting enough...

It was also refreshing! It was full of hope! It was comforting!
I learned things about myself that I never knew before.
I am strong. I am fearless.
I am independent. I am able to trust.
I am capable of anything I put my mind to.

SO...
When you find your life out of control... When you can't seem to touch reality... When you begin to drift into emotional chaos...

Take a little time to spend with yourself, totally, completely, and absolutely alone.

Have You Seen My Dad?

2008-08-16T21:26:00.005-05:00

This is my dad. This is what he was wearing the last time I saw him.
Literally.
In his chair.
In his house.
On Father's Day.
Four days later, I flew away to China.
I got on a plane and flew far, far away from him.
My plan was to see him sitting here in his chair when I came home two weeks later. But when I returned, he was gone...

He was the one that supported me the most, emotionally, in my endeavor to take the mission to China.
He encouraged.
He prayed.
He asked about the details.
He hugged.
He was proud.
He loved.

And then he died...

I didn't get to stay in China.
I didn't get to complete my mission.
I didn't get to tell him about any of it.
Because before I could even get home, he was already gone...

So I find myself looking for Dad all over my world.
I am searching for him under every rock, in every nook.
He is everywhere and nowhere.

Dad is in Stephen and his ability to know when I need a hug.
Dad is in James Teague's voice inflection and mannerisms.
Dad is in Bruce's knowledge and willingness to help those he loves.
Dad is in James Rowe's body structure: hands, height, hair.
Dad is in Ben and Bryan and Jeff and their ability to "fix things".
Dad is in Uncle Jerry's physical likenesses.
Dad is there with Becky, Brandon, Glen, Uncle Bob, Dawn, Aunt Sharon, David, Diann, Aunt Bobby, Kricia, Adam, Jackie, Don, Eric, Melissa, Granny, Grandma, Shelly and their love for him.
Dad is in Jenny and her ability to take care of any and everything that is too hard for me to deal with.
Dad is in Mom and her knowledge of unspoken words, memories, and advice.
And
Dad is in me.
He is in my ability to go on.
He is in my willingness to fight for what I want.
He is in my strength, my compassion, my steadfastness, my stubborn streak.
Most of all,
Dad is in my heart.
I miss you, Dad.

2008-08-07T21:45:00.018-05:00

Dad,
I miss you!

I miss your hugs and kisses.

I miss your directions.
"Okay, you go down RL Thorton to Stemmons and go north to Lyndon B. Johnson Freeway and head west to Airport Freeway..."
Stop, Dad, I need numbers!!! Give me numbers of freeways!!!

I miss tips about my car.
"Well, that shimmy you are feeling is probably from a loose lugnut in your carburetor..."
Thanks, Dad, I think. What should I do about that?

I miss pickles in the salad.
I miss woking on Saturday nights.
I miss red hamburgers cooked on the grill.
I miss charred shrimp that fell through the slats in the grill to the fire below.
I miss "plastic cherry torilla surprise".

I miss just having someone to ask the silly questions to...such as:
Where can I buy those little caps that go on the air thingy on your tire?
How can I get something notarized?
How come I can't get the lamp in the house to stay on?
Who was president way back when you were my age?
Where, exactly, is the place for horseplay?
Who is that guy standing over there by Uncle Jerry at the family reunion?
How do you make bacon not be so crisp?
How can I go away to college?
Why is it better to fill your gas tank when it is already 1/2 full?
(although you never did this)
Where can I go to find the best deal on a new car?
How can I rig my drivers side window to stay up?
Where does Mom stash the chocolate cookies?
Who is the best guy to vote for?
Will you walk me to my car since it is dark outside?
Will you look at the BIG dent I got in my car door when I was at the Walmart?
Will you help me figure out what to do about the hail damage on my Impala?
How do I change insurance companies?
What kind of life insurance should I get?
Where can I look in the Bible to find________________________?
Will you haul all my junk to Commerce so I can go away to college?
Will you come pick me up when my car won't start?
Will you bring your big white van to push my car out of the middle of the road when I get stuck in the flood?
When is the Lord coming?
When will the pain go away?
Will the Cowboys go to the Super Bowl this year?
Will you miss me?

**********************

I was wondering the other day how I was going to get a lot of these questions answered now. Then I remembered the wonderful gift that God gave to me.

Thank you Stephen, James, and Bruce for being there.
Thank you for being REAL.
Thank you for being, not a father figure, but a true friend.
Thank you for listening, understanding, and teaching.
Thank you for hugs and pats on the back, for phone calls and text messages.
Thank you for knowing how desperately I need you in my life right now.
Thank you for being willing to step in and heed to my call.

All of you have been my lighthouse. When I start to drift off in a sea of despair, I think of or look to you. That always brings me back to reality.

Thank you Lord, for giving me such wonderful men in my life!

2008-07-31T21:33:00.011-05:00

"How's your car?"

This was the opening line of every conversation my dad and I ever had.

It's funny...I used to dread as well as eagerly anticipate this line.

At least he was talking to me...directly to me!

This was rare.

He always had more in common with my brother and sister.

"So, how is your car?"

He would inquire again, after one of my siblings would interject their opinion on the subject.

He always wanted to hear my answer to this question.

So, I would do my best to give him a thorough explanation of all the strange noises it had made since we had spoken of this only a week prior.

Well, Dad, today it made this new noise...

spit...pttt...pttt...ptt...

Then it went...

Tut...tttt...tttt...tttt

Right before it died.

But as soon as I started it up again, it ran fine all the way to your house.

Sigh!!!

"Well, let's go take a look at it."

This was pretty much the only conversation that we had on a one on one basis.

******************

A bit worried about that, I confided in a male friend who told me...

DUH!

Don't you know that when your dad asked,

"How's your car?"

He was really saying...

"I love you."

In that case, Dad...

My car is running very smoothly!

A View of China

2008-07-26T22:06:00.012-05:00

Everybody has been asking me if I was able to see anything in China. Now, I have to tell you that I was only there for about 24 hours, but I did take a few pictures that I am willing to share.

This is the plane that I flew in to and from Tokyo, Japan. It was a 12 hour-ish flight each way. In Tokyo, we boarded another plane, much smaller than this one to ride for 5 more hours before reaching Guangzhou, China.

*********************

Here is the view outside my bedroom window of the city. Most of the buildings you see are other high rise apartments in the neighborhood. My room was on the 14th floor.

***********************

While walking toward the bank early Saturday morning, we passed this "high-class customizing car wash." You know the kind that we Americans would pay $30+ to get our cars detailed. Only instead of an automatic drive through car wash, these guys were doing it ALL by hand.

**********************

That evening, we had dinner on a boat tour down the Pearl River. It was a very nice restaurant, with authentic Chinese decor and waiters and food. While everything in Guangzhou is very modern, this was the most "Chinese" looking thing I saw while I was there.

**************************

Finally, on this boat trip we traveled down the Pearl River. It runs pretty much straight through town. Each bank was littered with skyscrapers and mansions decked out in neon lights. In the pitch dark, it was beautiful!

I don't know that I will ever make it back to China, but I do know, now, that God had a plan for this visit...His was not the same agenda as mine, but it was worth something to God for me to go.

God was there!

2008-07-21T22:38:00.011-05:00

On the day I returned home from China, my emotions were such a jumble. I had been lost in my own head for hours trying to sort out all of the tragedy that had just occurred. There was no one to talk to but God, and I had been putting that off.

It is rare that I go a whole day without speaking to anyone, but this was one of those days. I didn't really know what had happened with my dad's passing and had not been able to talk with anyone about it. I was a mess.

As I drudged out the terminal doors toward the baggage claim, I was met by God. He was there in the faces of my precious friends. I was expecting Lara and Bruce to be there to get me, but instead I was met by 6 of the Lord's messengers. Patricia, Melissa, George and Lynn, and, of course Bruce and Lara. They brought me God's love and comfort! I couldn't have asked for more from God...although I had been holding back from Him, the Lord gave His all to me. God was there!
*******************************************************************

When we returned to Lara's house, I was plain exhausted. It was nice to be able to sit on her soft couch in a cool, crowd less room. As I sank into the comfy cushions, my thoughts began to dissolve. All I could do was let them out in a rush of tears. But this time I was not alone, God was there!

He sent His messengers to tend to me. Patricia and Melissa busied themselves with finding blankets and pillows for my weary body. Bruce switched off the lights then excused himself to the other room, so to spare me any embarrassment. When all the preparations were finished, these loved ones settled in chairs to leave me to my emotions.

Lost in my brain, I cried out to the Lord! Why, Lord? Why?!!!
Apparently, I wailed out loud, for the next I knew, Lara was there, immediately by my side. She tells me that the Lord told her to go to me. The sobs came so intensely at that point. As she sat on the floor next to my whimpering body, she held my hand. She just held my hand and cried with me. She stroked my face, wiping the tears away and brushing the hair out of my eyes.
God was there! He was speaking his comfort to me through her.

Finally, when I felt calm enough, I asked the others to come sit with me on the couch. Patricia sank down in the cushions and put my feet in her lap. Melissa knelt on the floor and placed her hands on my legs. Lara continued to hold my hand. I wanted them to pray with me, but before I could ask, they began quoting scripture. For the life of me, I can't remember what the verses were, but what an awesome feeling to have God at your feet, your middle, and your head! When they finished the quoting, they broke out in song! Like angels, they sang me some of my favorite praise hymns. God was there!

Thank you, Lord, for giving me the ability to hear your voice and see you in my life. Thank you God for being there!

What if...

2008-07-17T20:35:00.025-05:00

I have pretty much found my WHY when it comes to the death of my dad, but I am still struggling with the reasons for being all the way in China when it all happened.

I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that I flew half way around the world just to have to come all the way back so suddenly.

Forty hours on a plane! All alone! Such wasted time!

But after much contemplation,

After large amounts of observation,

After many conversations with my family,

I have some thoughts to share.

Just hear me out....

What if God knew (before I left) that Dad was going to die,

And He sent me there anyway...

What if God knew that Jenny and Jeff and Mom would need me,

But He sent me there anyway...

What if God knew that they needed to deal with this death on their own,

So He sent me there anyway...

What if this trip wasn't necessarily for anyone in China,

but a blessing for my family...

What if my being so far away

helped God bring my family together...

(sometimes thought to be an impossible task)

What if this mission trip was not about my obeying God,

but a time for God to work on my family...

(there were many aspects that needed to be adjusted...and only God could repair them)

What if God doesn't really need me in China,

He just needed me to get out of His way so He could work in

Jenny's life

Jeff''s life

Mom's life

Uncle Jerry's life

Ben and Brian's lives

Lara and Bruce's lives

Patricia's life

Melissa's life

Stephen's life...

(all of which I have seen changed since this happened)

What if the death of my dad

and my going so far away

was just God

setting the stage

for his miraculous healing powers

to be accomplished

here at home...

2008-07-13T23:09:00.017-05:00

Myocardial Infarction
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Heart attacks are the leading cause of death for both men and women all over the world. Important risk factors are previous cardiovascular disease (such as angina, a previous heart attack or stroke), older age (especially men over 40 and women over 50), tobacco smoking, high blood levels of certain lipids; aka "bad cholesterol", diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, chronic kidney disease, heart failure, excessive alcohol consumption, the abuse of certain drugs (such as cocaine), and chronic high stress levels.

**************************************************************

This is why Dad died.

I have been searching for these answers.

The ER doctor told Mom that Dad probably died before he even hit the floor.

So, I have been asking God why He didn't catch dad. Why He didn't prevent this from happening?

I keep screaming at God that people don't die from heart attacks in this day and age! I have a friend who just had his heart shocked and he survived that!!!...So, why did Dad have to just go? It is like God just reached down and snatched him away from us!

WHY!!!???!!!

Last week, my mom could see I was struggling with these questions, so she tried to explain to me what happened. Truthfully, I didn't believe her...even though she is an RN. So, I had to look it up myself.

AND...After reading the words in the description of a myocardial infarction,

I get it!

I finally understand WHY.

Over 40

Smoking

Bad Cholesterol

High Blood Pressure

Alcohol

Chronic Stress Levels

He had them all! And instead of taking care of them, he just ignored the problems and let the "heart muscle tissue die" (myocardial infarction).

So, now I am not really mad at God anymore...I am a little upset with Dad. And I am extremely upset with myself.

I have a few of those risk factors hanging around in my life that I have been ignoring as well. (high blood pressure, bad cholesterol)

Oh, Lord, thank you for opening my eyes to what might occur if I don't start taking care of my heart!

Turn my risk factors into hope factors!

Give me the strength, the discipline, and the desire to do what it takes to keep my body healthy!

And give me good friends to help keep me accountable and on the right track!

A Blind Heart

2008-07-11T09:31:00.011-05:00

Memories are so funny, sometimes. I always wonder why we get to remember the bad things along with the good. However, I have come to realize that God gives us memories to use as lessons of life. I know I have learned a thing or two.

What does it mean to be in love with the wrong person?

Several years ago, the singles' group that I was associated with went camping in Oklahoma. Our group set up camp near a small lake.

On the morning of the second day of the trip, several people in the group decided to go fishing in the near by pond. My love was up early that day and at the pond before any of the others. When I awoke and stumbled out of my room, I caught a glimps of him by the lake. He had his chair already set up, his tackle box opened and his line in the water. Rubbing my eyes, I pulled on my shoes to go greet him "good morning".

He was a little grumpy. "Nothing's biting."
My response was cheerful, even though I am not a morning person at all. "Well, it's early, yet. You haven't been here long. Give the fish time to wake up."
Humph!

So, I decided to leave him with his fish and go get dressed. Around the campfire, I found several other girls who had recently awakened. They were getting dressed to go for a hike in the woods around the camp. So, I decided to go with them. I quickly changed, brushed my hair, put on my hiking boots, and off we went on an early morning walk.

The area was beautiful, filled with large trees that had been growing there for hundreds of years. Wildlife was all around us with squirrels romping in the grass and chasing each other up trees. We saw interesting birds gliding through branches in search of the early worm. There was even a grass snake that slithered across our path.

At one point, the forest opened up to a meadow filled with the sweetest tiny white flowers. There were so many of them, that it looked as if snow had fallen the night before on just this meadow. As we gingerly walked through this field, trying not to stomp on any of the flowers, I reached down and touch a few with my fingers. It was such a beautiful sight, and even though I knew these dainty little creations were only weeds, I wanted to share it with my love.

So, I picked a few of the flowers to take back to him.

As we topped the last hill of our tour, I could see my love still by the lake, fishing pole in hand. He was sitting at this point, a little more relaxed than I had found him earlier. As I walked toward him, my heart thumped loudly in anticipation of his acceptance of the gift I had retrieved for him. When I got nearer to him, I felt my gait quicken a little with the great desire to be near him.

"Hi Honey!" I spoke a little too loudly, for he shot me a look of aggrivation as he shushed me. I knew that the fish needed quiet, but I was too excited to hold my emotions in. "Oh, sorry," I whispered. "But I got you something on my walk this morning."

He turned to look at the precious offerings I held in my fingers. The little white flowers were perched upward, sort of smiling at him in invitation. My face stuck in a smile, my heart flittered with love, my fingers trembled with excitement. It was the perfect gift to give the one you loved.

"I don't want that!" he grumbled. "Flowers are not for guys. Why did you bring me that? I am not a girl." And with a brush of his hand, I was dismissed.

My heart sank.
My brain raced..."What???"
"But I love you...you are supposed to love me!"
"How can you say such a horrible thing to me!"
"Why are you so mean?"
"It is just a stupid flower, just take it you jerk!"

My heart was broken, however, we continued to date for another year. I chose to close the eyes of my heart and pretend everything was okay in the relationship. My brain was screaming, "Get out!" But my heart was hoping that if I stayed, he would change my mind.

****************************************************************

What did I learn from this memory?

Dating is not for the blind at heart.
Listen to your mind!
Heed to the events that God allows your heart to go through.

If it walks like a jerk, if it talks like a jerk, and acts like a jerk...it probably is a JERK.
And I have never known a jerk to change.
Mine didn't, and yours probably won't either.

SO...

The simplest gift I can give you...
The purest flower of thought I have to share...
Is to keep the eyes of your heart wide open
and don't ignore the experiences that God places there.

Blessings through Pain

2008-07-10T20:51:00.023-05:00

On Friday night, around 11:30, we landed in Guangzhou, China. It was HOT and sticky there, and as I trudged along trying to keep up with Ken and Margie, I remember thinking..."Am I really here?" The whole day seemed like a dream. But here I was walking on the earth of the continent of Asia...across the ocean from everything familiar.

I looked around. The airport was very modern, with not a hint that we were anywhere but DFW, except the occasional sign written in foreign characters. And, of course, everyone was Chinese. As I scanned the large terminal, I saw very few other Americans.

The following morning, we were up and running, early. Exploring the town, grocery shopping, transferring money, visiting with Parveen and Dianna (his wife), our morning was eaten up quickly. When we got home from lunch, we all needed a nap. I could barely keep my eyes open, but wanted to check my messages on email. That morning before taking off on our errands, I had sent out several emails informing those at home that I was in China, safe and sound. I needed to know that the family had received the information.

When opening up the gmail account I was faced with the following messages.

*************************************************************************

Subject : Urgent written 1:00 am, Dallas time

Kathryn,

If you haven't spoken to your family, it is important that you contact them by phone.

I love you and I am here for you no matter the time.

Lara

Followed by this message:

Subject: Please call written 10:15 pm, Dallas time

Kathy please call mom or me- this is jenny. we have been trying to call, but can't get through. This is important. Please call as soon as you can. this is very important. love you, jenny

************************************************************************

Can you imagine being on the other side of the world and getting these two messages? I was petrified to call! I knew it had to be bad, if my sister ended her note with the word "love". We just don't use that word with each other so freely.

Figuring out how to call over seas was not as easy as one might think...but I managed to reach my mother at 4:00 am Dallas time. I can't even imagine her pain in having to tell me such a horrible thing over the phone.

"Don't worry, Mom, I am coming home. I love you."

Within minutes, Ken and Margie started making new reservations for me to fly back immediately. They would not even think of discussing any other options. Thank you Lord for giving me such wonderful teammates.

************************************************************************************

My response to Jenny's email...

I talked to mom. how is jeff handling it? I know it is hard...I love you. I am coming home today...Sun. I will be there to help soon.

Make sure mom remembers (or you) to call Becky, aunt sharon. You may need to call jackie dewoody so mesquite c of c knows. call moms friend oneita. you can find that number on moms phone. she will tell moms school people. i think mom will need all the support she can get. get adam or ben to take care of jeff for now.

i will be home around 5:00 sun evening. lara is picking me up. call her if you need anything until then. know that i love you and will be there to help soon. remind mom that i am coming. i will call when i get back to the US.

love you, kathy

***************************************************************

The next morning I flew out, leaving Guangzhou at 8:20 am, 8:20 pm Saturday night, Dallas Time.

Twenty plus hours later, I was on the ground in Dallas, Tx.

I should be on Ripley's Believe It Or Not for the quickest trip around the world.

The one blessing...the BEST blessing...that has come out of this whole experience, is that Jenny, Jeff, Mom, and I are more forthcoming with the "I love you" phrase. We know, now, how precious life is and how quickly it can slip away from us.

With that blessing in mind, I want to say, I love you to all who are reading these words.

Don't let fear or discomfort keep you from expressing this emotion to anyone in your life...for life is too short...WAY to short... to not let someone know you love them.

Hi Dad!

2008-07-08T23:10:00.013-05:00

I miss you!

I made it to China! I actually made it! I know, I know...you had great faith that I would make it all the while. The one thing I was most nervous about was making it back home again. But even that journey was a breeze! I am stronger emotionally and independently than I ever thought I was!

I was disappointed that you were not home when I got back, but I understand that you had important business to take care of that simply just could not wait. I can accept that excuse this time.

I think it is fitting that you did some garage selling on your last day here. I wish I could have seen who bought all of your old junk!

Jeff built a fence to keep the dogs from running off again. But I think if they left again, it would be in search of you. Waylon seems to think you are the one who is lost this time.

Mom and Jenny are planning Bastil Day again this weekend. All the boys and their wives are coming for dinner. I can't be there because I have other plans...imagine that!

You left so quickly. I never got to say all that I needed to. I never got to express all that was in my heart. I never got to tell you how much I love you.

But...I hope you knew.

See you later, Dad!

I miss you!

From Pain to Elation!

2008-07-05T15:42:00.011-05:00

Using chopsticks was the part of my LST training that I liked the least. I understood that it was important to learn to abide by the Chinese culture so as not to offend anyone I came in contact with. However, those silly little sticks gave me a cramp in my right thumb and forefinger.

Margie and Ken gave me a couple of pairs of chopsticks to practice with. I took one pair to my mom so that she could learn with me. The other pair, I am sad to report, still lay in the same spot on the coffee table where I put them the night I received them. I just figured that I could bear the pain when it was absolutely necessary, and the rest of the trip, I would secretly eat with a plastic fork.
**************************************************

On the day of travel, our team ate mostly fast food or on the airplane, so I was in no danger of having to use the sticks. However, the first day we were on the ground in China, we had lunch in an actual Chinese restaurant. I was a little bummed thinking about how clumsy I was with the eating utensils. But, I was there, actually in China, and I was ready to try anything.

We began walking to the restaurant. On our way, we passed many street cafes with extremely rank odors wafting from their kitchens. On the sidewalk, these cafes had their wares displayed for all the see. There were crabs, craw fish, shrimp, snails, and live eel. Yum???

Each cafe we approached, I wondered if it would be the one where we would stop. Finally, I asked our tour guide where we were going. She was very secretive about the journey we were on, giving me not even the slightest hint of our final destination. So, I walked on in wonderment.

Finally we arrived. This restaurant was very nice, with no hint on the sidewalk of the food we would find inside. The tables were dressed in nice red tablecloths and cloth napkins. We were led up a wooden staircase to a small glassed in room with a door for privacy. Inside the room was our very own air conditioner...high class, from what I gathered.

After filling our juice glasses with lukewarm water, the moment of truth was upon me. I decided I needed to choose a dish with large pieces of meat and veggies that would be easier to pick up with the chopsticks. I was nervous about not having the ability to read the ingredients of the meal written in the Chinese language.

The waiter handed me a picture less menu, with no hint of the contents inside. Slowly, I opened the hard cover to reveal the entrees. To my complete surprise and total relief, the first item on this menu was PIZZA!

Oh, for joy...for JOY! I know how to eat pizza! It is my favorite "American" meal in which you don't need any utensils at all, except the ones God gave you...your FINGERS!!

The elation must have shown brightly on my face, because my team and guests burst out in laughter. It was a happy event, one that I hope to hold on to when recalling this short lived trip in China.

Observant or Just Plain Nosy?

2008-07-03T17:48:00.011-05:00

I was sitting in a coffee shop today, not drinking coffee.

While I was there, soaking up every bit of cold air from the vent I had placed myself under, I started to notice the people around me. There was a thin man with yellow hair at the counter arguing with the cashier about why they didn't have Sweet N Low instead of Splenda. Near the door was a mother trying to wrangle her children into a group and out the door. Next to the far window sat an individual in a wheelchair reading a magazine about hiking.

But the most curious persons I found were sitting close enough that I could sort of hear their conversation. It was this scene that caught my attention.

I found myself straining to hear what was going on over there. Two men sat across from each other at the small table. Both were in casual khaki pants and button down dress shirts with simple ties. One man was obviously older than the other...in his mid 50s maybe. The other man was younger than I, late 20s I would guess. Although the two leaned forward in order to hear the other over the Jazz that played overhead, they spoke as if they were strangers.

I began to muse that maybe this meeting was a job interview...but I was not sure which man was the interviewer and which was seeking the job. I was not close enough to see either of them straight on or hear the entire conversation (not that it was any of my business) so I had no clue if my conclusions were even correct. That is when I presented my question to the friend who was there with me.

Her take was that maybe it wasn't a job interview at all, but instead a college applicant and student advisor.

For about 30 minutes we sat there contemplating and discussing who these two mysterious fellows were and what they were talking about.

Maybe:
A college professor discussing grades with a student who is flunking out.

Perhaps it was the older man trying to acquire a job from the younger guy.

Or a father and his daughter's new fiance. Hmmm....that one just came to me.

Either way, I have learned that I am very interested in other people and their lives. I could hardly tear myself away from what was going on at that table. I try not to be nosy, but the actions of others, their body language, the way they interact with their peers is sometimes more interesting than what is going on in my own life. So, watch what you are doing, or else you may find me being overly observant with your life. :)

Blessings in Disguise # 2 and 3

2008-06-30T23:45:00.011-05:00

Imagine 403 seats packed into a narrow tube made of 127,000 pounds of high strength aluminum. You are in the center row, center seat, packed in between two people you don't know for the duration of a 12 hour flight. Twelve HOURS!!! No leg room. No arm room. No reclining. Who was the genius who thought that would be a great idea????

Was it a blessing or a terror?

Well, at first thought I would say a terror. I am not really a people person, so I don't talk with strangers very well. I despise having people crammed into my personal space. And, small talk is not in my vocabulary. I was in my own personal hell on that plane, but even there...God abided.

Blessing in Disguise #2 and 3

While sitting there trying to be content listening to Acapella on my iPod, I found myself bored. (Surprise, surprise!) So, I took off my earphones and started to look for something else to keep my mind occupied. When I found nothing of interest in my bag, I leaned my head back with a heavy sigh and thought of a nap. It was just then that the lady sitting on my left thigh, spoke up unexpectantly.

Startled by her voice, I jumped. She quickly apologized in very broken English, but I assured her I was okay. She took my smile as an invitation to begin a conversation with me. It was difficult to hear in that stuffy little space where everyone had their air vents going full blast. But as I strained to make out her words, I heard much more than her sweet little voice talking to me. I could swear I also heard the Lord.

She spoke of her country, Korea, and her family there. She was flying home to see her father one last time, for he was terminally ill and dying of cancer. She spoke of her husband who lived in Michigan and couldn't travel with her because of his job. She would be gone a month from America, and she already missed him.

I found her life to be very interesting, and caught myself asking her lots of questions about it. Like I said before, small talk is not my forte. But in this place with nothing else to do, I found it to be a blessing given by God. Asking what I would consider to be nosy questions, I learned that she had been a teacher in Korea but was unable to use her degree in America. She had several brothers and sisters, most of whom still lived in Korea. She had just recently gotten married but had a 20 year old step daughter. Her husband was Korean as well, even though they met in America.

About an hour into our conversation, the sweet lady said the most amazing, awe filled thing I heard the whole trip. She leaned in close so that I was sure to hear each word and spoke with complete confidence.

"This morning I asked God to sit me by someone on the plane that would help me with my English."

It was such a simple statement, but in my downtrodden heart, the light of the Lord was turned back on. I knew at that very moment, that God was there with me. That although I hated this place, I hated being alone there, I hated the stuffiness and the cramped conditions, He was there.

He had purposely sat me next to this woman who needed me. Or, maybe... He had purposely sat this woman next to me because she needed God. I'm not sure which. What I am sure of is that both of us received a blessing that day. What a place to be blessed..crammed into a stuffy old airplane for twelve endless hours!

Thank you Lord for continually showing me the blessings in disguise that I couldn't even fathom a week ago. I don't know why you sent me around the world in three days, but I hope that even through my indigence, I accomplished the work you meant for me to do.

I love you, Lord.

Blessings in Disguise Part 1

2008-06-29T19:31:00.006-05:00

There has been so much tragedy in my recent life that I can't seem to see straight. But today, while talking with a friend about the whole ordeal, he helped me remember something really important.

The day I left China to come back to the US for the funeral, I had to be at the airport at 5:45 am. Whew! That is REALLY early, especially for a girl who usually gets to sleep late during the summer time. After arriving at the gate, having had my bags searched, my money belt almost confiscated, and my body scanned at security, I was finally able to plop myself down for a bit of a rest. While I was sitting there all alone cautiously trying not to fall asleep and miss my plane, a sweet little Chinese lady sat down next to me.

I hadn't really thought much of her presence until she started speaking to me in English. I was really quite surprised at how fluent she was in her conversation with me. There it was, about 1 1/2 hours before the plane was to take off, and all I really wanted was some peace of mind. But this sweet little lady wanted to talk. So, we talked.

About mid conversation, she offered me some crackers. I wonder now if my stomach was growling, since I had only eaten two meals since we landed twenty-four hours prior. She was also eating crackers and noticed I had no water to drink, so she promptly arose from her seat and was off down the corridor before I knew what was happening. When she returned, she was toting a bottle of water that she handed to me with a smile. I wasn't sure how to respond. I had been hungry and thirsty, but had no Yuin to purchase any breakfast. I shyly took the water with a return smile.

We talked until it was time to board the plane. It turns out that she lives in Michigan with her husband who is an American. She is a Christian. She had come back to China to visit family for a month and was going home to her kids. She made such a dark "mourning" time glow with sunshine.

So my question is : Did she choose that seat out of at least 50 empty ones on accident, or did God put her there just for me? Was she a blessing in disguise?

It seems to me there must be some kinds of blessing in all this tragedy. I just wish they were as clear as crystal to me right now. Lord, please help me to remember the good out of all this terrible. Lord, help me to recognize all Your blessings in disguise.

Funeral or Fiesta?

2008-06-25T15:19:00.008-05:00

What is a funeral? Webster's Dictionary describes it as a ceremony for the dead person. But I don't agree with that definition. The dead person is not even present at the ceremony.

To me a funeral should be a ceremony for the survivors...

and in my case I want the ceremony called a

***fiesta***

not a funeral.

I want music and dancing, singing and story telling, high-fiving and laughter. I want food with lots and lots of chocolate! I want smiling faces, tears only of joy, and hugs galore!

*****************************************************************

In case you haven't heard, on June 20th, my dad had a massive heart attack and died. I was in the air just above Russia when this happened. I didn't find out until early afternoon on June 21 when I read my email for the first time after landing in China. I stayed only 24 hours in that beautiful country before having to scramble to find a way back to the US for the funeral. Hence, 40 hours in the air within a 4 day period. Ugh.

The ceremony was held on Monday, June 23, in Mesquite. I kept hearing people call it a funeral for my dad, but as I stood there near the casket watching the people come to comfort us, I realized that not many who were there even knew my dad. They all had come for us...my mom, my sister and brother, and myself. It was not a ceremony for Dad, it was more like a homecoming for us.

So, I want to change the name of this ceremony. Hmmm...what to call it? I'm gonna have to think on that one for a while. Any suggestions? Let me know what you think.

I miss my dad, but I have learned that I didn't know how many people in my life really love me. That is an awesome lesson to learn on such a heart breaking day.

The Long and the Short of it

2008-06-24T11:29:00.010-05:00

The Long...

I just survived a 40 hour plane ride to and from China. In the last four days, I have flown to China (20+ hours) and back (20+ hours), equalling 40 grueling hours on 3 cramped airplanes. I would NEVER recommend this type of travel to anyone. God bless those business people who travel like this on a regular basis!

One bit of advice to anyone who ever plans to make this trip:

Take LOTS of things to do on the plane!

books, magazines, crossword puzzles, papers to grade, reports to write, video games, iPods, playing cards, journals, and anything else to keep your mind and hands busy.

The Short...

I was in China a total of 24 hours! During the time I was there, I cleaned the apartment, visited a Chinese grocery story, ate some Chinese food, saw some Chinese people, took a riverboat ride down the Pearl River, and slept. Not much of a mission, but everything happens for a reason...this reason, only the Father knows. A short trip...but hopefully, soon I will be able to see the purpose of it.

****************************************************

I am not sure how I feel about it all. I am still trying to process all the details of the past 4 days. Look for other entries in the days to come...as I allow the Father to dwell in my heart and give me the understanding that I need.

I am in Dallas and plan to stay here. I will try to go back to China next year. If you are reading this and want to call, I would love to hear from you.

Kat

Pray God into China

2008-06-18T21:35:00.002-05:00

A friend asked me tonight, "I wonder if you will look different when you get back." Hmmmm...I kinda laughed at the thought of that, but maybe I will look different. I think if anything about me changes, I hope that it is the way God looks on me.

The shuttle will be here in 9 hours to pick me up for this amazing adventure I am about to embark on. Am I excited? That seems to be the question of the year. I don't know that I would describe my feelings as excited. I want to say that I am pleased that I made this decision. I believe that God is excited! I believe He sees things in me that I can't see or don't notice. I believe that He will use me in ways I find unfathomable. Therefore, I anticipate the journey with a peaceful, open-minded heart.

Pray for me.

Pray that I find God in China...a place where He is rarely recognized.

Pray that I feel God in China...when I am homesick for my best friend, my favorite people, and my mommy!

Pray that I see God in China...when the light goes on in the eyes of someone who didn't already know Him.

Pray that I hear God in China...in the voices of my teammates, the missionary and his wife, the songs on my iPod, and the very words that come from His lips to mine.

Pray that I know God in China...when I am teaching Him to others, or when I am being asked unforeseen questions.

Pray that I show God to China...to everyone I come in contact with...from the airport - to the apartment - to the park - to restaurants/markets - to public transportation - to the readers - and any other place I may set foot.

Please pray me through this mission!

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us." I John 5:14

*****************************************************

Lord, give me peace as I leave my home and go where you are leading me. Give me a sense of adventure as I find myself in a land unfamiliar to me. Give me the words to share You with others. Give me the love to show You to others. Give me the courage to do all that is needed, to say all that is expected, to teach all that is necessary to others so that they can know You.

Nerves, of course!!

2008-06-17T10:13:00.000-05:00

My head is about to explode. My heart will burst any second now! My stomach is doing flips and it keeps bumping into my bladder. My hands are shaking. My knees are weak. And I feel like the sky is falling in on me, pushing me down, crushing me into the ground.

What is wrong with me?!?

NERVES! Of course!!

I am about to climb onto a plane of 147,000 pounds of high-strength aluminum. (High strength aluminum???? Now, how is that supposed to float through the air and not be sucked straight down by the super strength of gravity? Flight is such a miraculous thing.)

I am about to soar around the globe to a country not known for its kindness. (No wonder my mom is so emtional about this whole thing.) To a country where not many speak my language, where they don't adopt my customs, where, well, I will just say it...they don't look like me. (I tend to hold the opinion that if you come to America and expect to stay and live here, you should learn to live like Americans. I wonder if the Chinese have the same opinion? Maybe this is God's way of changing my mind on that topic.)

I am about to live for almost three weeks in a land without sweet ice cream, ready made pizza, chocolate cookies. I am about to have to be experimental with toasted octopus legs, fried sea stars, dog brain soups, and crunchy chocolate covered grasshoppers. (Please Pray for my tummy!!! :)

I am about to be awake when you are asleep. Be working while you are snoring. Be teaching while you are dreaming. (Whew! I hope my body can adjust!) So please talk to God about me before you go to bed, for that will be when I am just getting up.

With all that out of the way, I just have one more thing to say:

I am about to take the most important trip of my life. I am about to teach the most important lesson there is to learn. I am about to spread the most important news ever to have been written. I am about to make my Lord known to those who have never even heard His name.
(And as nervous as I am, as much as I fret about all the little things, I know that God is right there with me every step of the way. I am not going through all this stomach flipping, heart bursting, fear alone.)

For the Word says:

"Be strong and courageous, and do not be afraid...The Lord goes with you each and everyday...He will not forsake you." Deut. 31:7

Thank you Lord, for giving me this assurance! Please take away my nerves so that my mind will allow me to enjoy new experiences. Let every move I make, every word from my mouth, every facial expression and body language, every tone of voice be pleasing to You.

China is Upon Us

2008-06-14T08:29:00.000-05:00

It is almost here! I can't believe 12 weeks went so quickly!!! But, in 5 short days, I will be sailing through the skies toward China. Now, let me tell you what...Each butterfly that has taken up residence in my tummy has a name: Excitement, Fear, Elation, Joy, Nervy, Anxious, Anticipation, Love, and Downright Ready to Go. (He is the most obnoxious of the bunch!)

You know, packing to be gone for almost 3 weeks is not an easy task! And trying to pack early is almost impossible...I realize that the clothes I want to take with me are the same clothes I need to be wearing for the last five days here at home.:) So that leaves the task of packing until Wednesday night. Ugh!

My plane leaves at 10 something on Thursday morning, but I will be leaving my house by shuttle at 6:30 am. I will be returning on the afternoon of Saturday, July 5. Think of me often as I will be thinking of you. Pray. Know that I love you! God is at work in our world and I am blessed to be a part of His plans!

Alwyas Working for Him,
Kathryn

Who defines you?

2008-06-11T13:04:00.000-05:00

So embarrassed to be late, I slid into one of the back pews of the funeral home, next to several other teachers. The service had already started and the booming voice of a charismatic preacher was echoing throughout the chapel. I was mesmerized by the sea of colorful hats that lay before me. Each one bobbed up and down in agreement with the message given to them. Everyone was decked out to the highest, each woman crowned with her best bonnet.

As my thoughts turned back to the service, I noticed that the preacher was offering the podium to anyone who wanted to give testimony to the life of the deceased.

Family and friends approached the podium and first introduced themselves before giving their testimony. These introductions were so interesting, and I remember wondering what I would say, if I were to be brave enough to give a statement.

Each person gave approximately the same opening words:

"Hi, I'm John Doe from USA Baptist Church, our pastor is Joe Smith."

OR

"Good Afternoon, my name is Jane Doe from America Methodist Church, our
pastor is Jack Blue."

And so on...

It was almost as if that is how they defined themselves...by who pastored their congregation. I just wanted to ask one of them, isn't it really God who should define us?

It is not my pastor who makes me who I am. It is not my preacher who saves me from sin and death. It is not the elders or the song leader or the Bible class teacher who gives me eternal life. It is simply Jesus...that is when I realized that my introduction would be simple and to the point.

Hi, I'm Kathryn Ponder, my savior is Jesus.

I pray that I will remember that Jesus is the head of my church, my job, and my life. He is the one whom I need to call upon when trying to define who I am and who I need to be.

In a Dark room full of Light!

2008-06-09T10:04:00.001-05:00

Being an adult, you would think the darkness wouldn't still be scary. But that is the one thing from my childhood that lingers...fear of being in completely unfamiliar darkness. I cower behind others to lead the way down dark paths to unforeseen destinations. This fear is sometimes so intense that it hinders me from adventures into the unknown.

But twelve weeks ago, I bit the bullet and stepped into a completely dark room and shut and locked the door behind me. In extreme fear, I decided to trust God.

While fumbling around in the blackness, I found there were other people inside that room as well. Each one of them had a glimmer of light to share with me. It may have simply been a matchstick, a lighter, or a small candle, but each offering provided a lamp of hope shining about me. I felt not so scared and not so alone.

A few days ago, as I was diligently trying to keep the light flickering on the match stick, someone opened the door to that dark room. Three someones to be exact. And when they entered the room, they flicked the light switch on. Glorious, magnificent radiance filled my eyes! Love and fulfillment, hope and understanding, trust and connection all came pouring in on me. I knew then that I could survive anything that my future holds.

***************************************************************************

Twelve weeks ago, I signed up to do mission work in China. It was like stepping into a dark room. I didn't know what I was getting myself into. As the weeks passed, I found that many people I knew had been on mission trips to far away places and they had much "light" to shed on the subject. Thank you for those match sticks, lighters, and candles. Finally, last Saturday night, I attended a presentation given by three men from HOCC who have just come back from China. It was like these guys came into my dark room and switched the light on. I get it now! I understand why I am going. I know that I have the compassion for these people, enough understanding of the Word to teach them, and the love of God behind me.

Thank you Steve, Malcom, and Gary for turning on the light for me!

Invited to the Table

2008-05-31T21:01:00.000-05:00

As I lay in a jumble of sleeping bags across the living room floor, the sounds of soft snoring cousins near by was not enough to lull me to sleep. The clinking of silverware and the steady rhythm of conversation coming from the table was much more interesting. The voices would talk of Christmas gifts, breakfast items, and the weather...all important topics. However, when Granddaddy thought all the children were asleep, he would bring up what was really on his mind...church.

I couldn't wait for that topic. I would close my eyes and will myself to stay awake. When it was time, there would be a long silence, then a sigh, and Granddaddy would be off and running.

He would bring up things about the sermon that morning or the song service. Sometimes they would even sing and hymn or two. Granddaddy was an elder and he would discuss decisions their church had made recently and how the congregation had taken to the new plans.

But the real fun started when an uncle would pull out the Bible. They would look up scriptures from that mornings lesson and have deep discussions on whether the preacher was right about his take on it. These conversations would go on for hours, sometimes until late in the night.

On Christmas eve of 1983, Dawn, the oldest cousin, got to sit at the table during this discussion. I felt a pang of jealousy as I curled up inside my sleeping bag on the floor. I was only 13, and still was not old enough to be invited to the table. I lay there listening to the snores of my cousins and the clinking of the silverware, longing to be part of the adult conversation about church things.

Alas, Granddaddy died before I was ever old enough to participate in any of these discussions. I find that even now, I feel like a child when it comes to the workings of the church. When we are faced with heartache and confusion as we have been in the past week, I want to run back to that sleeping bag to lay safely close by while my family hashes it all out.

However, God is slowly teaching me that I am the adult, now, and it is time for me to set my own table. I should choose carefully whom to invite to the table, but by all means, He should be at the top of the list. But, the real joy will come when we walk through the gates of heaven to sit at that banquet table, with God at the head, and discuss the happiness that lasts forever.

Knowing is not as great as I thought it would be

2008-05-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

You know I wanted to be right about the Tim thing (that is my pride talking), but I really didn't want to know that I was right. I am glad that we talked to Gary, but I didn't want Tim to go with me having bad thoughts about him. I am still trying to think that it was just all bad business and that nothing unGodly or unChristian has happened. I hate that we can't have one without the other...we can't have the preacher without the businessman. But I keep reassuring myself that God did this...not the elders...not the ministers...and NOT Tim.

Lord, I pray that Tim be able to hear Your voice in his decision making. I pray that You guide Tim to the place where You want him to be. I would hate to think that this incident would cause him to quit the ministry...his gift is too great for that to happen. Lord, ease...no, heal Tim's heart. Give him peace with all the hurt feelings and bad business that has gone on lately. Allow Tim to get past this and on with his life.

Hold Emily and the girls in the palm of your hand. Help them to be encouraging to their husband and daddy. Help them as a family make good choices for their future.

Damned Stubborn Will

2008-05-27T23:28:00.000-05:00

I grit my teeth and
grind them down.
He has captured me
in an inescapable bound.

Though years have passed
I am standing, STILL
chained firm by his
infamous, damned stubborn will.

His mind is set, and
he cannot be moved,
Though the ills of his actions
have been continuously proved.

I have had ENOUGH!!! So
I break my chains,
Push through the excuses,
and freedom I gain.

Like an eagle I am free
to soar high overhead
Praying he will change
before he winds up dead.