Jetson Stamina

2009-04-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

Black Market Life Lesson #339

2009-04-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Throwing money at a problem is a lot like shitting in a toilet to stop it from overflowing. It presents you with a whole new set of problems.

2008-07-19T09:28:00.000-07:00

Huh...

Duhhh.... Buddies....

Somebody's gonna drop something... I just know it...

Layin out....

I am the destroyer of worlds...

Ladies can't resist this mug...

Penticton

2008-06-19T05:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Penticton,
Thank you for treating LBG and Team Awesome to a wonderful bachelor extravaganza. You are very nice this time of year. I enjoyed both of your lakes, despite their sub-zero temperature. I implore you to please do something about this, it was so cold little Jetson disappeared into his shell like a frightened turtle. With that said, your beach was nice. Not one used band-aid or dirty needle. Well done.

Penticton, thanks for all the personal touches you added to our trip. I enjoyed meeting the strippers at the Tim Hortons the next morning; it was nice to see that they’re people too.

Enjoying their coffee… fully clothed.

Thank you for allowing LBG to walk around in yellow fishnets and a pink tinsel sweater. Deep down he enjoyed it. Thank you also for crowning Sly Stamina as unofficial mayor of the city. He now knows all of your citizens by name and is well familiar with their back-story.

Kindest Regards,

Jetson

P.S. Your RV Park could use some cleaning up, maybe some patio lanterns or those lawn jockey statues that only I seem to find offensive.

2008-06-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

I have a shiner. A real nice black eye.

If you look at me neck-up from the right side... I look like a pre-op transvestite.

Awesome.

Too much time on my hands...

2008-04-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

Style vs. Warmth

2008-04-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

She’s late for work. She forgets her gloves. It’s cold. She runs back into the house to get her gloves. On her way to the bus stop she realizes that her gloves are not a matching pair. No time to run back home. Warmth prevails over style. She catches the bus and shakes her head at the folly.

It’s 4:30pm. Her shift is over. She waits at the bus stop with her mismatched pair of gloves. Glad that she ran back into the house this morning. Happy that warmth prevailed over style.

5pm. She gets off the bus. It’s cold. She reaches for her gloves.

No dice.

She turns around to see the bus putter away with her mismatched pair of gloves. Just like that, two perfectly good pairs of gloves… ruined.

She walks home. Hands buried deep in her pockets.

In the end... style prevailed over warmth.

Dog Poo Archeology

2008-04-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

Have been supplementing my fiber in take with Metamucil. I highly recommend this if you want to shit out gorilla fingers.
I saw I AM Legend last weekend. I kept hoping Uncle Phil would show up with an UZI with special zombie piercing bullets.
I like it here. I’d like to blog more. I’d like to have a lot more people read it and wonder… why did I just read that?
The snow is melting faster than the villain in Robocop who falls in toxic waste and then jumps in front of a car.
I spent a considerable amount of time last weekend getting reacquainted with the fascinating work of Dog Poo Archeology. The painstaking task of uncovering and bagging countless piles of dog crap remarkably well preserved under layers of Canadian snow.

Interobanged!

2008-01-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

Hey you! You might be wondering, what the hell just happened‽

Truth is…

You’ve been INTERROBANGED!

Oh Snap.

Brief History Of The Best Word Ever.

American Martin K. Speckter invented the interrobang in 1962. As the head of an advertising agency, Speckter believed that advertisements would look better if copywriters conveyed surprised rhetorical questions using a single mark. He proposed the interrobang (‽) A rarely used, nonstandard English-language punctuation mark intended to combine the functions of the question mark and the exclamation mark.

2008-01-16T06:40:00.000-08:00

A deer at dusk on the corner of an uphill road. Life’s greatest damages are caused by the things we never see coming.

2008-01-03T10:02:00.000-08:00

15 WAYS TO BE MORE
AWESOMER IN

2008

Say hello. The most powerful thing you can say to a person is not “I love you.” It’s “Hello”. Hello, is more than a greeting. It’s the first step in connecting to your surroundings and establishing community. Yet, sometime over the last 20 years we’ve gotten so caught up in our own devices that we’ve forgotten how to say it.

Don’t pay $80 for a pair of glorified jogging pants. Trust me, there’s a plenty of $30 pants that make your ass look just as good.
Quit complaining about gas prices. It’s like consenting to sodomy and then complaining that your ass hurts.
Take the stairs. Elevators are for people who enjoy bad music and uncomfortable silences.

Nobody cares that your fucking plane landed! So please wait until you’re off the plane to call and tell your buddies that you’re in a different city than you were 2 hours ago. I know dude. It’s mind blowing.

Quit being a charity conspiracy theorist. Even if you believe that only 20 cents of every dollar makes it to the intended destination. Imagine how many cents on ZERO dollars will help the cause you so vehemently believe in.

Take a different route to work every day. You’d be amazed at the kind of stuff you’d never see otherwise. Last week I saw 3 Ninjas playing backgammon in a wheat field. Red Ninja won, but was quickly beheaded. So. Shortsighted victory.

Start using cloth grocery bags. They’re environmentally friendly and, you’ll be amazed at how much room you have under your sink when all the plastic garbage bags have disappeared.

Drink water from the tap. The greatest marketing ploy of all time was convincing an entire continent of people that bottled water from someone else’s tap is better than yours.

Get your news from three different countries. Preferably ones that wouldn’t enjoy a picnic together.

Hug at least 1 homo this year. Do away with any residual homophobia you might have. There are plenty of things in this world for you to worry about. Who and how others love is not one of them.
Quit being a cell phone Douchebag. No one on the bus wants to hear about your infection, your crazy ex-wife or your close call with that Thai hooker who had an adams apple. Maybe its best to use your inside voice for these things.
Get off the phone when you’re driving. We all know you’re on the phone because you keep slowing down and speeding up and everyone is passing you on the right hand lane.

Offer your seat to the older gentleman on the bus. Think of it as paving the way for a pay off in 50 years from now. One day you’ll realize that the simple act of standing for an extended period of time is absolutely exhausting but you’ll be too proud to ask for a seat. Give yourself a high five when the kid in the droopy jeans stands up and offers his seat. Then tell the kid to pull is pants up.
Selfless acts are overrated. You’ll do more good in this world if you’re genuinely vested in the well being of others with the intention of feeling better about yourself and your place in this world.

No Word Of A Lie

2007-12-29T10:09:00.000-08:00

After three days of going without presents, we realised that Santa skipped our house. We were left with broken hearts and an an odd smell in the den. Come to find out, Santa crapped in our chimney and somehow... he spelled out "Naughty List" in bits of corn and peanuts.

CHRISTMAS

2007-12-24T11:06:00.000-08:00

I wonder if OJ Simpson gets leather gloves for Christmas?

If OJ was coming over for Christmas dinner, my Mom would get him a nice pair of gloves. Despite having a NO GIFT EXCHANGE policy, Mom gets my brother and me a pair of gloves every year.

Somewhere in lake Ontario, there’s a kid octopus whining to his mom “…but the Stamina kids get gloves every year and they only have two arms!”

(I have no idea if octopuses reside in the great lakes. “Octopuses” Best pluralization ever!)

And let’s do a 180…

To most, today is Christmas Eve, but for Jetson Stamina, it’s Christmas.

I suppose it has to do with my French Canadian roots. Christmas Eve has always been the main event in the Stamina household. Everyone gets a little boozie boozie, we joke around, maybe play some cards and jack the kids up on baked goods.

When Minou (French word for cat) was alive, we would chase her around the house and pull tinsel out of her ass, which made me feel dirty because she enjoyed every minute of it. Back arched to the ceiling, purring like sum’bitch. I read somewhere that 1 out of 10 men have experimented with beastiality.

I sometimes wonder if the tinsel incidents put me in that category. "CATegory". I’m on fire!

(Above is a depiction and not an actual photo of Jetson's cat.)

Let’s get back to the Stamina Christmas… (Staying the course is not something I do well.)

Christmas dinner is around 7pm. I spend this time making mash potatoe penis sculptures because by 6pm I’ve eaten my weight in cheese curds and petit-pain-fourres. (Little humped breads)

Around 10:58pm, everyone puts on their winter coats, giant boots, idiot-mitts, toques (warm hats for you Americans), thickest scarves and we get ready to go to 11pm mass. Since every adult is severely pinned on loud mouth soup well before 10pm, we discuss letting one of the kids drive.

While we all agree that this is a fantastic idea, it takes getting into the car to realize that a 6 year old is not nearly tall enough to reach the peddles.

So we walk it.

11:15pm, we show up late for mass. Mom gets the drunk-giggles and sis-in-law tries to explain the finer points of the service to my lovely wife whom is still unfamiliar with virgin birth in a barn and catholic Jesus who was Jew.

By 11:30 we’re all sweating profusely, partly because 1) We’re wearing 10 layers of winter gear and 2) we’re burning in hell for having caught the drunk-giggles with mom.

12pm, we rush home and spend the next two hours watching my nieces and nephews rip apart gift rap until their heads explode. Then the adults exchange gifts, ignoring the whole NO GIFT EXCHANGE policy.

So that’s Christmas at the Stamina’s. The next day I get to do it all over again on Mrs. Stamina’s side.

I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I hope the spirit in which this holiday is intended is one that you take with you into 2008.

Kindest Regards,

Jetson Stamina

P.S. If you read this blog and want to be added to the blogroll, let me know.

LIFE IN A SUNBEAM

2007-12-19T10:43:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas. . . This is my best work and favorite 5 part series. I will leave it up for a week or so. If you like it, please forward it to friends.

Messing With Spammers
The Complete Saga By Jetson Stamina

THE PROPOSAL:

For anyone who's ever received this kind of spam,

this is well worth the read. Just skim the intro letter.
I highlighted the good parts.

DEAR FRIEND,
I AM ADAMS BELLO THE BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER AT THE FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF BANK OF AFRICA. I GOT YOUR CONTACT FROM THE INTERNET ,WHILE SEACHING FOR AN HONEST AND TRUST WORTHY PERSON, WHO WILL ASSIST ME TO IMPLEMENT THIS TRANSFER.

I DISCOVERED THE SUM OF TWENTY TWO MILLION AND FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS (USD22.5M) BELONGING TO A DECEASED CUSTOMER OF THIS BANK. THE FUND HAS BEEN LYING IN A SUSPENCE ACCOUNT WITHOUT ANYBODY COMING TO PUT CLAIM OVER THE MONEY SINCE THE ACCOUNT OWNER LATE MR SALLA KHATIF FROM LEBANESE , WHO WAS INVOLVED IN THE DECEMBER 25TH 2003 BENIN PLANE CRASH.

WE LEARNT THAT ALL HIS SUPPOSED NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION DIED ALONGSIDE WITH HIM AT THE PLANE CRASH LEAVING NOBODY BEHIND FOR THE CLAIM.

IT IS THEREFORE UPON THIS DISCOVERY THAT I DECIDED TO MAKE THIS BUSINESS PROPOSAL TO YOU AND RELEASE THE MONEY TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OR RELATION TO THE DECEASED FOR SAFETY AND SUBSEQUENT DISBURSEMENT SINCE NOBODY IS COMING FOR IT AND I DON'T WANT THIS MONEY TO GO INTO THE BANK TREASURY AS UNCLAIMED BILL.

THE REQUEST OF FOREIGNER AS NEXT OF KIN IN THIS BUSINESS IS OCCASSIONED BY THE FACT THAT THE CUSTOMER WAS A FOREIGNER AND A BURKINABE CANNOT STAND AS NEXT OF KIN TO A FOREIGNER. I THEREFORE SOLICITING FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE TO COME FORWARD AS THE NEXT OF KIN.

I HAVE AGREED THAT 40% OF THIS MONEY WILL BE FOR YOU AS THE BENEFICIARY IN RESPECT OF THE PROVISION OF YOUR ACCOUNT AND SERVICES RENDERED, 55% WOULD BE FOR ME WHILE 5% WILL BE FOR EXPENCSES INCURED DURING THE CAUSE OF THIS TRANSACTION IF THE MONEY IS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR ACCOUNT FROM BANK OF AFRICA, I AND MY FAMILY IN THIS TRANSACTION WILL PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR OUR OWN SHARE OF THE MONEY. I EXPECT YOU TO KEEP THIS BUSINESS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL AND SECRET AS YOU MAY WISH TO KNOW THAT I AM BANK OFFICIAL. I AM LOOKING FORWARD FOR YOUR PROMPT RESPONSE.

YOURS FAITHFULLY,

MR ADAMS BELLO.

JETSON’S REPLY #1:
The fun starts.

Dear Mr. Bello,
I am very excited about your proposition. However, I feel that I am taking much risk. In Canada this risk could mean electrocution by the chair for punishment. My brother was electrocuted and his hair looked like the Don King.

Therefore, I could agree to your proposal but only if I would receive 55% and you would receive 45%. I believe my risk is higher and deserve better dollars.

I expect our e-mail to be confidential as I am the captain of the Oilers and top scorer here. Please respond quickly as I am departing on business to Shagrotten, British Manitoba for 3 months.

Excited to make business inside you!

Best Regards,

Dr. Jetson Stamina

THE NEGOTIATION:
just skim, I highlighted the good parts.

Hello Dr. Jetson Stamina,

Thank you for your mail and I am happy to share this transaction with you, but you must keep everything as top secret and very confidential. This is a business that require 100% absolute secret, it is a business that you do not allow your right hand to know what your left hand is doing. Please are you capable to do this transaction with me.

As for the sharing i can see reason with you but let make it 50 _50.

Please understand that you and I myself, are to work as one team to inherit this fund, hence I am your insider in the bank as the transaction commence.i advise you to feel free with me for all is going to be well with us.

I want you to arrange for a good receiving bank account into which our bank shall transfer this money in your favour as next of kin and you have nothing to fear since I am here, I shall be giving you all the developmental information´s from the bank as soon as the transaction commence.

You have nothing to fear as your interest and identity will be legally protected.

As you know such a business will require international-transaction. So we both shall jointly combine our efforts financially in any expenses that shall incure in the process of this transaction.

On hearing very favourable from you, i shall send you by mail or fax, an Application Text,which you shall retype with your banking account details and send it through the bank email address to our foreign remittance Director of our bank immediately without delay so that the bank shall commence for the onward transfer of the fund into your account within (7) working official days as the beneficiary and inheritor of the fund into your nominated receiving bank account.

Note that i made a prayer on your behalf, before i decieded to contact you for this great deal and this is why i put my trust in you knowing fully well that you will assist me in this Transaction.

Thanks and God bless you.

Mr Adams Bello.

JETSON’S REPLY #2:
God is on our side. Let’s negotiate!

Hello Mr. Bello,
Thank you for your response quickly. God is on our side and his modem is faster for us! I will keep everything top secret. I am good at confidential. My brothers wife has my baby inside her and nobody knows because I believe in the top secret.

I hope you will keep your secret 100% also! I do not want to be imprisonned or killed!

Please can you confirm that your secret will be 100%. I can not accept that you hold your secret 90% because the other 10% could make me electrocuted on the chair in the prison. Also, I could be on fire from my job. I am a Dr. of the proctology and could lose my license to practice inside canadians.

Please confirm if 100% confidential is ok?

As for sharing, I was born in the Saskatchewan Mountains and we believe in the negotiation. Can we split the money 54% for me and 48% for you?

Again, please understand my risk is high. My wife will take my children and leave. I have 2 siamese children, they are always hugging. I love them. Do you have kids? This money will make them happy!

I am sorry to hear about MR. Salla khatif. It is sad the he had no family. Was he flying the plane or was the death by sky dive without parachute?

I will be ready to be a partner inside you, please can you answer all of the above questions?

Please reply VERY quickly!

Best Regards,

DR. Jetson Stamina

THE FRUSTRATION:
Mr. Adams wants to get down to business.

Hello Dr. Jetson,
It ok by me, you said 54% to you 48% to me which is over 100%, it should be 54% by 46%. Just go ahead and send the details information so that i can forward to you the text of application which you shall use in applying to the bank for the release of the fund to your bank account.

Thanks,

Mr Adams.

JETSON’S REPLY #3:

But Mr. Adams, can't we be friends?

Hello Mr. Adams,
So sorry for you to be frustrated with my questions. I want to make sure that I understand how to do this properly. I am glad we can agree on 54% to me and 48% to you. With this money I will start a new life and run away with my brother-in-laws wife! God believes in our love. We are meant to be. I believe this money is comming to you and me because God believes that we are justified. Like the timberlake. Thank You!

How shall we arrange the delivery of my share for the 22.5 million in USD?

I understand that you would like to mail. I fear this way is dangerous and I must 100% ensure confidentiality because I do not want jailification or worse Vandammage. The postman here is corrupt. They are like the chinese mafia, always dangerous with karate guns. I hate post man with their shorts and boots. Please can we arrange delivery without using the Mail?

I have funds available for via private Goodyear Zephyr. I could fly to meet you in Africa in two weeks if wind is good. This way we ensure face to face confidential. Only my pilot Robert Van Winkle will be in attendance. No corrupt postman!

As I understand it, I have to change last name to Khatif to ensure I am seen as next of kin, this is true?

Please send me your adresse and I can arrange for flight by next week.

God Bless You and thank you for chosing me!

Dr. Jetson Stamina

THE PLEADING:

It seems that spammers have a higher threshold for the absolutlely daft,

as long as it results in dollar bills y’all.

Dear friend,

Please. You can not just come down, you have to apply first before knowing how the bank will like to transfered the money. Just go ahead and send the details information so that i can forward to you the text of application which you shall use in applying to the bank for the release of the fund to your bank account.

Thanks,

Mr Adams.

JETSON’S REPLY #4:

Let’s try quoting a song, give’m some details and

ask if we can become business partners.

Dear Mr. Adams,
I am sorry, in the previous correspondence I was missed steak. I am ready for the money. I am ready so much! My brother-in-laws wife is happy that you are doing this for our love! We are like one.

Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed, Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed. I say love is like downs syndrome, it leaves you silly in a cage away from society, yes?

I want to know something. After we become full of money. Can we be business partners?

I want to start business in Africa with you. Canada is no longer safe with the Inuit Ski-Doo Gangs threatening our city. I have 20 year experience as Doctor of Proctology. I am an excrement business man! Can we be partners? Yes?

Ok on to business at hand...

Here are my DETAILS, please keep my details 100% confidential.

Height: 6 ft 1”
Weight: 243lbs
Eyes: Blue (some say so blue you see my soul)
Skin: Cock and asian
Hair: Salt n Peppah
Age: 30/02/69
Status: Married (but maybe we write single because I will end her, for good!, after the money comes)
Occupation: Dr. Of Proctology

I believe these are all my details. Please let me know if I forgot some details.

Thank You!

Dr. Jetson Stamina

P.S. Can we be friends and business partners? Please answer, this is important to my life.

THE URGENCY:
Every good salesman puts a deadline on an offer.
Skim, I highlighted the good parts.

Hello brother,

Many thanks for your reply and also your mail, I want to promise you that as far as i am concerned,we dont have any time to wast in archieving this goal as soon as the bank managment has approved you as the real next of kin to MR. SALLA KHATIF .

Meanwhile,Just as I promise you that i will compose an application of claim on which you will send to the bank management for the approval of the fund into your account just as soon as i have heard from you, Find below the application.

Please I have put the trust in you with hope that you will not batryed me at the end. Please i want you to asured me very well that nothing is going to heppen with my own share till i come over with my family to stay and invest based on your advise.I would like you to fill in the gap and send to the bank by email or fax below and also forward a copy to me .

I still want to assure you again that you have nothing to loose in helping me get this done.We will laugh together at the end maybe in your country or whereever you will advise me to invest my own share of this fund.

Fill the below application urgently and then fax or email to the bank using the information below.I will be waiting to hear from you as soon as you have sent it by calling me on phone to enable me know that you have sent the text to the bank..

Thanks and regards to you

Mr Adams.

BLAH BLAH BLAH... an application followed.

REPLY #5:
Preparing the home for your guests and ensuring that
the proper forms have been filled out.

Dear MR. Adams,
Thank you for re-writing with me. You are coming to America! Land of the Hasselhoff and of the free. I am excited soo much it is yellow in my boxer for you to live with my loving family and my manatee like life draining wife!

In preparation for your arrival, I have commanded her to prepare the crawl space for you and your family to live. It is beautiful now with corregated box and packing foam for sleep. It is also a final resting place for many street youth I encountered after rye binge, but limestone has made it smell new and fantastic!

A dugeon fit for a Kink. All for you.

When the money cum. It will be happy money. It will need towel.

I have received your application details, but I must wait for my name to be changed to the name of MR. SALLA KHATIF. If I am going to disguise myself for imposter. I must have his name to get the 22 Billion that we will share.

BEFORE I CAN FILL OUT THE APPLICATION MY BANK TRUSTEE HAS ASKED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS QUESTIONNAIRE THAT I MUST HAVE BEFORE YOUR APPLICATION CAN BE FILLED IN THE BILLY BLANKS. PLEASE FILL OUT ASAP.

I will keep 90% confidential.

1- Name:
2- Country Of Origin:
2a- Date Of Conception:
3- Sex:
4- Sexual Orientation (cocoa starfish or pink canoe?):
5- How many wifes?
6- How many children?
7- Occupation?
8-Relation to Mr. Stamina?
9-Will you help Mr. Stamina burry first wife at cottage?
10- How many wild animals do you intend to bring to America?
10a – If so, Will your monkeys be in a barrel?

PLEASE FILL OUT, THIS IS FOR CONFIDENTIAL TRUSTEE INFORMATION. I MUST HAVE BEFORE APPLICATION.

MR. ADAMS. I Feel that we are getting close, like the mountain near brokeback! We will soon both be full of money. I am looking forward to making giant business inside of you!

Your Best Friend and Life Partner,

Dr. Jetson Stamina

P.S. I must tell you in advance, last night night the manatee clogged the plumbing with giant brown cobra with corn and peanut skin. This went into crawl space. But more limestone = Less visit by police. Yes?

THE END -
The correspondence ended here.

Maybe he didn’t want to help bury my fictitious wife in the crawl space. Maybe he realised that my brother-in-law’s wife is in fact my sister and sharing 22 billion with an incestuous Doctor was immoral.

Maybe I pushed too hard. Maybe not hard enough. Maybe it was beginning to look like too much work to share 22 Billion dollars with Dr. Jetson Stamina or maybe he realised that I was in fact a WOLF in SHEEP’s clothing.

. . . or a A Badger in a Bear suit.

You’d think that once you get close enough, you’d be like, Oh Thank God, that’s just a bear costume and not an actual bear. Then the bear suit comes off and it’s a fucking Badger and you’re like, Fuck me, where does a badger find a bear suit at this time of night?

So now the badger’s on top of you and you’re just protecting your eyes, 'cause you figure, He can disfigure me, but at least I’ll still have my sight.

So he mangles you a bit and after a while, he get’s bored, puts the bear suit back on, get’s into his 1987 Plymouth Sundance and drives away.

The moral of the story here is this. . .

A badger that can drive a car while wearing a bear suit is more dangerous than a wolf.

I digress. . .

This marks the end of my business relationship with Mr. Adams. Thank you for reading.

Your comments would be greatly appreciated.

Best Regards,

The Jetson

Genetic Compromise

2007-12-18T11:51:00.001-08:00

Last night, US presidential candidate Mike Huckabee was on Larry King. Later, they added Chuck Norris to the panel. Norris is Huckabee’s biggest celebrity supporter. If Van Damme endorses Obama and MR.T endorses Clinton I am moving to Kansas. That’s the kind of America that I want to live right smack dab in the middle of.
It just occurred to me, Chuck Norris should star in Dog The Bounty Hunter’s Bio-pic.
I’m a seven. My wife is a nine. If all goes well, we will one day make little baby Eights. It’s a healthy genetic compromise.
Today I won at foosball. I punctuated my victory with a little dance I like to call The Robot Of Awesomeness. The robot part needs some work but the awesomeness was right on par.
Last night I boiled spaghetti noodles, mixed in some raclette cheese with chicken cold cuts and peppered the whole thing with parmesan cheese. It was a gourmet masterpiece. Truly something that Chuck Norris would endorse.

I invite you to delurk and comment.

And yeah. . .

2007-12-10T11:22:00.000-08:00

I realized this morning that I*ve been randomly naming certain trees on may way to work. Mostly lone trees in open fields. There*s Newton and Chris near the barn, Otis in the corn field and Candy near the creek.
I am a psychiatrists dream.
When I was a kid, I use to think if I stuck my head out the car window and tried to swallow more air that I would live longer.
I often get the urge to smash my co-workers crackers at lunch. Just smash*em. Smash! Smash! Smash! I feel better just talkin* bout it.
I can’t watch juggling without thinking of my wife. On our 3rd or 4th date, Mrs. Stamina walked out of the room only to return a minute later juggling 4 official looking juggling balls. The randomness of it is forever etched in my psyche.

I dump used coffee grinds down my sink every morning. I like to keep my sink alert and he*s not a morning person. In fact, he*s a bit of an arsehole until you get to know him.

Discuss.

2007-12-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

I believe that if you study Alcohol Prohibition in the United States and Canada and the subsequent repeal of these Dry Laws, you could make a case for repealing the current Drug Prohibition.

I find it hard to believe that we would rather our citizens consume unregulated and untested drugs from criminal sources rather than properly monitored and price regulated drugs dispensed from vendors with permits who will not sell to children under the age of majority.

Would you rather your kids sneak out of the house to drink moonshine and absinthe with their friends or Molson and Crown Royal?

What good is family if you don't take advantage of free labour

2007-11-26T10:01:00.000-08:00

This weekend, Mattman and the Big Bros helped me install new hardwood floors. What a pain in the coccyx. All that kneeling and standing, kneeling and standing. It was like being at church except you have to pay attention. . . and you don*t line up for a cracker at the end of it.

It occurred to me that little people would be perfectly suited to make a healthy living at floor installation. They*re low to the ground and very aerodynamic, which would allow them to install floors at 20 times the rate of oversized humans.

Plus, little people are space-efficient. So you can squeeze 50-60 of them in a small living room and have floors down in 15 minutes.

Think of a school of piranhas on a zebra crossing the river. Except the piranhas are little people, the zebras are floors and they*re putting things together not ripping them apart.

You get the gist.

Side Note: You can create an aerial view of cockandballs by simply adding a wang to the number 8

First Person Party

2007-11-14T09:10:00.001-08:00

My socks never match. I believe that matching socks threaten some galactic paradigm of which I have no understanding.
I just used the word paradigm to sound smart.
I rarely floss.
My wife*s a hygienist.
I buy most of my clothes from the clearance rack at Winners.
I used to think I was a bad dancer. I*m still right. Ever see a 4-year-old sort of bounce his way through a song? That*s how I dance. Bouncing around like a 5ft 11inch baby with a five o*clock shadow.
I lied. I*m 5ft 10in.
I once made a girl believe that Macadamia was a continent. She was nuts.
(Awesome pun! high-five-myself-no-friends)
In high school, I caused the demise of Lumber*s red Volvo by convincing him that the girl he would marry was in the car ahead of us. All he had to do was floor it and avoid the rattling sounds of the motor. We hitchhiked home.
The first Jew I ever met was a kind gentleman who picked Lumber and I up during my first hitchhike. (See above) During that ride, he repeatedly offered us bagels and punctuated each sentence by saying No charge, no charge. He also spent a considerable amount of time on his cell phone telling the person on the other line to Sue him. It*s his porch. He should have put salt down. Sue him. No word of a lie.
While I do believe that stereotypes are utterly ridiculous. I find it absolutely side-splitting when they are inadvertently reinforced.
I*ve never held a wiffle bat that I didn*t swing at someone.
On the day of the Asian tsunami, one of my first thoughts was, I wonder if there*s a sponge factory in Phuket.
From the 9th to 11th grade, I saw exactly 2 vaginas. Both were owned and operated by my math and english teachers.

Here*s a random list of people I believe deserve a punch in the face.

People who shit on the toilet seat at work. There*s one in every office. I have strong suspicion that there*s sub species of humans who shit out of their hips and balls, which is the only possible way you can get that much crap on a lid.
Guy who invented the Hummer.
Guy who purchases a Hummer for anything other then off-roading or some form of military combat.
Hitler.
Lady who was smoking on Parliament Hill during the moment of silence on rememberance day.
Keanu Reeves in a serious role.
All of the Popples. Stuffed animals that can store unlimited amounts of junk in their pouches. A cartoon metaphore for drug mules design to appeal to a whole new generation of children. You could*ve been something Puzzle Popple. You were going to change the world.

That is all.

Remembrance Day

2007-11-11T06:20:00.000-08:00

Today we remember
Why every day we benefit.

PANDAMONIUM!

2007-11-05T13:04:00.000-08:00

At one time, watching Pat & Cathy was a lot like watching two circus pandas fuck up a unicycle high-wire trick. You just knew that once they got it right, you*d be witnessing something pretty special.

(Shown here. Panda tries to play Hop Scotch but misses)

Pandas are a funny species.

As any biologist will tell you, Pandas are rare motherfuckers and therefore lack interaction with their own kind.

In fact, many Pandas believe they are entirely unique and for this reason, relegate to shacking up with Kodiak Bears that fake ultrasounds in hopes of tricking said Panda into doing right by his baby momma so that they*ll stay together in a low rent apartment near the Ikea.

Bear with me. . .

(Awesome Pun! High-Five-Myself-No-Friends)

The point I*m trying to make here is this. . .

Eventually and often with impeccably bad timing, every Panda comes face to face with something they weren*t expecting to find. . . an equally rare mate.

From then on, no matter what the obstacle, its just a matter of time before they master the unicycle high-wire trick.

On Friday, Pat & Cathy flew in from BC to announce they*re engagement.
This is my way of saying congratulations to you both!

It*s like seeing your little bald brother grow up and marry someone much better looking then he is.

True Story

2007-10-31T06:09:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday morning I woke myself up with a record breaking minute long fart that rumbled like I was pushing a kitchen table across a linoleum floor.

Happy Holloween.

Ludlowe Studebaker Is Special

2007-10-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

In another life my name was Ludlowe Studebaker. In 1821 I was confined to a mental institution near Kingston Ontario because I believed I had the power to harness low levels of electricity but only when wearing a certain pair of shoes on specific kind of carpet.

The official diagnosis for my condition was Bat-Shit Crazy

Several years later I was eventually released. . . not necessarily because I wasn*t Bat-Shit Crazy but because I learned that the difference between a Ninja and a grown man in black pajamas and a ski mask is stealth.

Sometimes, as long as you know in your heart what the truth is, it*s best to lay low and avoid detection until others come to the same realization.

So truth took the long way home. . .

and 100 years later, children in school libraries across North America were rubbing their feet on the carpet and giving their friends the Ludlowe Studebaker Static Shock Special.

Happy Birthday Mrs. Stamina

2007-10-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

Today is my wife*s birthday. She*s the first lady of Awesome Town and just about the best damn part of my day. I think the difference between a happy marriage and the brink of divorce is whether you*re more excited about coming home or leaving it.

And every night I look forward to coming home to the girl who. . .

Used to shoot pellet guns at her grand parents.
Jumps off the teeter-totter mid-air because a teeter-totter rebound in the balls is funner than the actual act of teeter-tottering.
Holds my hand when I pass out in the bathtub.
Uses baking as a form of therapy.
Despite having hundreds of seating possibilities, chooses the stairs to talk to her sister for hours.
Crafts home made cards because Hallmark cards come from the wallet and home made cards come from the heart.

There are times when, despite my best efforts, I can*t quite convey how I feel about Mrs. Stamina. In those times, I look to the lyrical stylings of Mr. Lionel Ritchie. This morning, the lyrics in the outro to Dancing On The Ceiling seems to sum things up nicely.

Hard to keep your feet on the ground
Because when we like to ball it
We only want to get down
What? you say what?
It*s love now.

Thank you Lionel. You*ve done it again.

Every year I struggle with the same dilemma. Gift giving can be a difficult son-of-a-bitch.

Here*s a universal truth. . .

Gift Givers often struggle with gift selection because they want said object to be an expression of how they truly feel about the Gift Receiver.

A frying pan and a mix tape doesn*t exactly translate to . . .

I love you. Thanks for the being the ballast in my life. Happy Birthday!

So, I can only hope that the words will be enough.

P.S. This is my way of saying, I love you. Thanks for the being the ballast in my life. Happy Birthday! I didn*t buy you anything.

Happy Birthday Dr. Kilts

2007-09-26T08:29:00.000-07:00

Today is Dr. Kilts* Birthday.

I can tell you with the confidence of an NBA player at a midget basketball tournament that Dr Kilts* is among the coolest people I know.

Not like the all-show-and-no-go of cheerleader cool, far from it.

She*s cool like two Ninjas hanging out in their Trans-Am outside a Loverboy concert. A random series of elements that come together to form a cataclysmic nova of coolness that can only be explained when you*ve had the pleasure of witnessing it. (This sentence is ridiculous)

So how cool is Dr. Kilts?

She gets a severe allergic reaction at the very sight of my dog and yet, when our backs were against the wall and we needed a dog sitter, Dr. Kilts walked Hank twice a day.

One minute. . .
She can wax eloquent about the recidivism rates of young offenders, the much needed reform of the penal system (I said penal hehe), and the elements of psychopathy that led in part to one of the most infamous murders in Canadian history.

The next minute . . .
She can laugh at my clever joke involving coprophilia.

So today, we let her know she*s special and that we*re happy to have her in our lives. Most of all, we wish her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!