Mirv's Blog

2007-09-02T18:23:00.000Z

Well, it's a sorry state of affairs, this site. I've literally done sod all in months. That is solely down to the fact that I'm addicted to Facebook. This receives and displays the latest updates in my life in a succinct fashion, and allows me to interact freely with my friends and aquaintences. If you're on there and aren't friends with me, you should probably poke me!

House: Still on the market. Not really sure what's going on there. I'm past caring. If it sells, I'll move. If not, I'll move anyway, but be less rushed in doing so.

Fitness: Strength is up, but i've not got to shed plenty of body fat. Same old story like. Now it's just a case of fitting everything around my job.

Job: Still at BT. Not much to say there really. It almost pays the bills.

It's been nice to see so many friends over the summer, however briefly. I've not managed to get away this summer due to the aforementioned bills to pay, but plenty of people have stopped by Wirral to check in with family etc. Which is lovely :-)

Unless I can think of any reason to the contrary, I might close this site when the domain contract runs out. It served it's purpose as a host for pictures and what not. At the very least, it's raison d'etre will change. Any suggestions, hit the Contact Me button in the left menu bar.

Stay off the crack, kids, it'll break your mother's back.

Spring has sprung

2007-04-23T19:36:00.000Z

My, it's been a while hasn't it?!

Let's catch up with news. I did actually finish my driveway. Before and after pics will be in the gallery soon, as will some nice photos from the last few months.

But why haven't I updated the site for so long? Well, I've been working for a living. I say working.... If you scroll down to my last update you'll see I got a job with BT but was pretty unsure about what my job title meant. Well, it's tech support for all BT business products, but mainly Mobile phones and Broadband. I was delighted to receive a promotion in February to "floorwalker" which means I wander about helping the other analysts. They're all good, so I'm not particularly busy. But then neither are they. C'est la vie. The TA is still ongoing but I don't get there as often as i'd like. I'll be looking towards a promotion there too, but first I need to do grade exams on the Sax. I only need to do grade 5, but I'll probably go for 8 if I can be bothered practicing my scales. Photos of me in uniform will be added to The Gratuitous Hall of Mirv in the gallery in about a month when my new scarlets are approved by my commanding officer.

"Mirv, weren't you losing loads of weight?" I hear you cry. Well yes, I was. Then I got a job. For some reason, you don't burn as many calories sitting at a desk as you do ripping up 50 tonnes of driveway without machinery. But despite this I'm making slow and steady progress but building some new muscle too.

New Year. Generally a time when I pretend not to get all excited about "just another night" passing. I spent it with friends at Jessi's house. It was jolly nice. To be honest, almost 4 months have passed and all I can remember is copious amounts of cider. I may also have kissed Gaz just after midnight.

Oh yes, my birthday has passed as regular as clockwork (well, slightly more regular if you're being pedantic). I turned 25 at the end of February and celebrated this with the Hope sisters and Katie's boyfriend in Chester. I had a splendid time, thank you girls (and Oliver). Again with the gallery, despite the photos of me being dreadful.

Moving. Well, possibly. It looks like we've finally got a buyer for Mirv Towers. All being well, we'll be homeless by July. I have a tent, and nobody's back garden is safe. I'm looking at YOU, Jessi. Ensuite Foozball arena! ;-)

Single.... But actually dating for a change.

So yeah. Sorry i left it so long. I'll update sooner next time. Promise. XxX

December

2006-12-06T09:49:00.000Z

So, I'd completely forgotten about this blog until I watched a programme about the internet last night detailing such things as: the invention of the internet by Tim Berners Lee, growth of wikipedia, the unique and obscure rise and rise of Arctic Monkeys and the blogs of ordinary people. So, it prompted me to write this. I have to say though, it's not compelling me to write daily entries, I just can't be bothered.

So back to me, cos that's why you're here isn't it?! I've gotten myself a job. I'm to be a Servicedesk Analyst on a commercial helpdesk for a BT Manpower contract. No, I don't know what it means either, but I'll find out on my first day, Monday.

Such is often the case in life, you wait around for something and then two come along at once. I have two jobs. This one is rather a hobby though. I've joined the Territorial Army. But don't worry, dear readers, I'm not off to Basra just yet! I was enlisted as a musician. This will basically mean that I can get my fingers working again on whichever instrument they want me to play, and get paid for the priviledge. And yes, I've got a uniform. It's nice.

Single.

I've been getting into my books recently. Such is the free time of the voluntarily unemployed. I've just finished Tony Hawks' 'A Piano In The Pyrenees.' It's a comfortable progression from his earlier works: 'Round Ireland With A Fridge' 'Playing The Moldovans At Tennis' and 'One Hit Wonderland.' You should read it.

I'm sensing that I'm just advertising things today. I'll stop that now.

Those that know me best. No, those that know me, or actually have simply heard of me know I'm easily pleased. Which is why Paramount Comedy Channel (I'll stop advertising in a minute) has been my saviour. King Of Queens, starring Kevin James (Albert Brennaman in hitch) and the beautiful Leah Rimini (various sitcoms including playing Stacey Tortelli in Saved By The Bell). Not to mention Scrubs, Frasier, That 70's Show and Seinfeld. But Ijust mentioned them, so why did I say "not to mention?" Hmmm.

The driveway is almost finished. I've been fighting against inclement weather. Sand, by its very nature is somewhat absorbent, which makes levelling and laying blocks on it a nightmare. No matter, we've only got a step and a bit of edging to do and it's done. And I'm proud.

I went to the Doctors yesterday with a bit of lettuce hanging out of my arse. The Doctor said "Hmmmm, bad news. That's just the tip of the iceberg!"

I'll get my coat.

in the midst of Autumn

2006-09-30T18:37:00.000Z

Although you wouldn't think it! I've spent the last 2 weeks demolishing the garden at the front of Mirv Towers, and have been stopped by inclement weather ONCE! I'm hoping this mild summery Autumn continues and that we're in for a mild Winter too.

The driveway. So yeah, I could've hired some machinery, but it's done me the world of good to go at the concrete old skool with sledge hammer and pick axe. Not least for getting me outside and doing something, but also from a fitness point of view. A bit of hard graft never killed anyone (not strictly true). During October I'm basically going to block pave it. Then we can put a sign up and sell the place.

Job news. Yeah, I've applied for a couple of jobs in new directions. No news about them yet. Mainly because I didn't apply until yesterday.

Social news. Gym, cinema, pub, restaurant. These are places I have been with people. Nothing noteworthy.

I'm due a nice big tax refund. Waiting for the cheque, then I'm goin shopping...or to France. One or the other.

Health regime is going great guns. Work in progress though.

I can't cope with Smarties not being in a cylinder. It's not right. It's not proper. Lots of healthy food doing the rounds. It's good. No more fat kids, although Chunk will always be my favourite child movie star.

Richard Hammond. That was some bad shit. Jeremy Clarkson summed it up beautifully as ever.

Who are the coolest people in the hospital? The Ultrasound people. Good Byte.

September

2006-09-04T08:35:00.000Z

Been a while, hasn't it?

For some reason, I tend to write these updates when I've got nothing better to do, am bored, low, tired, whatever. Ho hum, I'll battle on.

I requalified for Merseyside Police during August and they gave me a start date. I didn't start. I left the Police Sevice for very good reasons last time, and realised I'd only reapplied because my job in security was SO shit. So, I find myself nowenjoying the leisure time I didn't have over the previous 6 months.

I discovered recently that my bathroom scales had been weighing me light. Had the Force Physician weighed me himself, I would've been rejected from the Police on medical grounds. TO this end, I'm doing my best to lose body fat and peserve lean body mass, with the negative effect that I've actually gained 4lb in 2 weeks. I AM slimmer, and my body is beginning to look more human, but I'm rather hopeful that I don't just turn fat to muscle. I'd quitelike to be a little smaller too!

Home news and the lodgers are off. Sarah moved out about 2 weeks ago and Will shall be gone on Wednesday, with his stuff going on Saturday. It's been a challenge to cohabit with people I wouldn't choose to socialise with, not to mention that fact that I fundementally disagree with their principles and motivation to work over the past year.

We're now, finally, looking to spruce the place up and get it sold. My parents STILL don't know what they'll do with regard to emmigration and/or buying property here. What IS certain, however, is that I won't be living with them a second more than is necessary. There are certain freedoms that I can't enjoy whilst living under this roof, and it's high time I gained complete independence.

Social news. Yeah, right! Saw a few folk over the weekend whilst Benjamin was down from Leeds. Last week we celebrated Nathan's birthday with a chinese in Bebington. Er, no, that's pretty much everything out of the ordinary. Oh, I've ceased drinking alcohol until Christmas at least.

If I've missed anything out. Sorry. I really an't be hooped with that "thinking" lark.

Stay off the chems.

Another Month...

2006-06-09T18:05:00.000Z

another increase on the overdraft. Oh how I love my poorly paid job. My payrise has failed to materialise for the 3rd successive pay day. I simply cannot wait to enter the gainful employment of Her Majesty, not least because my monthly pay will effectively double for doing 1/3 less work! Easy maths!

So, what news to report? Well, to be fair, nothing much. I'm working around 70 hours a week, all nastily split up so I get very little time to myself (ala Goppo) and when I do, I'm catching up on the sleep I miss by getting up early the other days. Ho hum. I've seen a bit of Mike, Tony, Saz, Daisy and of course Des. But not nearly enough, it has to be said. Still, not long to go eh?!

Weather's nice! It appeared to at once turn summery when June commenced. I'm not knocking it. I'm already changing to a nice shade of shite and since we northerners don't have a hosepipe ban in place, I'll be washing my car just to bask in the spray from the jet washer!

What else, what else? Oh, the house has been done up a bit. Which is nice. With any luck we might sell it this year. Either way, when my job changes I'll finally be getting my own place! WOO! There's no denying I've got a cushy number living here, but it's time for a LOT more independance...oh, and parties!

Oh, I'm tired. If I think of anything else to tell you...I'll remember to update this...then forget...and then realise it's been like 8 weeks and eventually update and forget what I was going to write in the first place. B'ah well.

Hello to everyone who's bothered to stop by. I've literally been inundated with.....an e-mail asking me to update! Oh, please feel free to leave comments...they Do come to my inbox before they get published due to some viral entries in the past. ... but I'll still publish the usual insults!

Toodles. X

Where did March go?

2006-04-04T22:09:00.000Z

Well, readers, I'm fully into the swing of this new-fangled "work" lark. So much so that in looking back over my clocked hours, I worked 250 hours in March. Near enough 1/3 of all time spent working. In hindsight, not a massive amount (average working week equaling 160 hours a month) but to go from 0-250 was a major shock to the system. It basically means I have virtually NO social life and no time to spend my wages. I can't decide whether or not that's good.

My umming and ahhing over what to do with my life after leaving the evil police of doom frustrated me a great deal these last few months, and starting a proper job has cleared my mind a lot and caused me to focus on my job aspirations, achievable targets and job satisfaction. With that in mind, I phoned Merseyside Police today and told them I want to join their ranks. The ball is rolling on that one. I have a meeting next Thursday at HQ in Liverpool. This will mean operational policing, being a proper copper, rather than a plastic one. I have aspirations to specialise after my 2 years probation too, but we're a little far off from discussing those here and now!

News on Mirv Towers is that we've received an offer to purchase the ultimate party venue, predictable below the asking price, but we pay people to sort those things out, so hopefully the proverbial ball is a-rolling! Anyone wanting to welcome a burly security guard who gets up at 4am for work into a vacant room in their house in the near future, let me know!

FITNESS!! Yeah, still working on that one! There's progress. It's slow, but it's there. When I truly get my head round it, I might even include some stats on here. Not just now though, they ain't too impressive!

What else shall I blather on about? Hello to everyone at 12 quays. Especially to Gail, who makes a crackin cup of char! I bought a Jet Washer today after about 4 years of wanting one. Naturally I've opted for the industry leaders Kärcher with their trademark yellow plastic. I just hope our water pressure is good enough to use it. Hello to the South East of England! How's that hose pipe ban going? ;-)

In just 9 short days it will be the 1st anniversary of owning my current car (oh, how I loathe it) and naturally of M1RVX, my ostentacious registration plate. Reckon I'll give the old girl a wash and blow dry for her birthday.

It's been lovely to have some uni-type friends about recently, and I look forward to seeing some more of you guys over Easter.

FYI If you swallow chewing gum, it harmlessly passes through your digestive system in-tact (much like fibre) and out in your stool. The 7 year myth, is how long it would take the HCl in your stomach to break it down if it DID stay there. Your best bet is to trash it, but don't spit it on the fucking street, or stick it on things. I hate that.

Word.

Ah February. Small, but perfectly formed.

2006-02-23T10:16:00.000Z

Hello readers. Under some pressure from yourselves I am writing this entry a week sooner than I would've liked. My birthday's coming up, 27th Feb (as you of course know only too well) and I thought that perhaps once I am *mumbles "24 years old" I might have a totally different outlook or something so I could greet you all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed telling you about my wonderful life. B'ah well. Certain things one must accept in life: you have to play the cards you're dealt to the best of your ability. This is tag-line of my 25th year on the planet. I'm not promising anything except that I'm going to "try" harder. Life can pass you by all too easily if you just do enough to get by. But it's no way to live. So I'm not going to, and neither are you!Got it?!
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple? Being raped.
I have a job! Shocked though you may be, after some 3 months of gainful "self employment ;-) I start training with a security company who control the 12 Quays Irish Ferry terminal in Birkenhead. It's not glamorous, it's 12 hour shifts too, but most importantly it gets me out of the hous ergularly and a bit of beer money in my arse pocket. I'm lucky that some of my police training will come in very useful (mainly the person and vehicle searches) plus there are representatives of various Government departments down there that I can engage with and further my own knowledge and career aspirations.
After Easter I shall be starting a couple of courses, most likely with West Cheshire College. These are really just to formalise my knowledge of various aspects of technology with a paper qualification as my CV simply doesn't do my brain justice! Around July I intend to start the final year of my degree and get that polished off too. All this, falling-in-love-and-eloping not withstanding!
For the time being, I'm disenthused to rejoin the Police. Its rigorous controls on how officers spend their time off duty doens't really suit me. I want to help my country and its inhabitants, but I'm just not sure how to yet!
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Oooh the wily fitness of doom. What can I say? In 1999 I said I was going to get fit. And every year since. Don't misunderstand me, I started out with the best of intentions, and to a greater or lesser extent I have succeeded in part. In 1999 I had trouble running far at all...and then had knee surgery in 2001 and now I can polish off a couple of miles quite nicely, despite being heavier than any previous year. It's always seemed to be the case that I try a diet, and it works, then I get complacent and not only undo all my good work, but regress slightly farther each time. To that end we realise that diets don't work for me. I know what I should eat and when I should eat it. But I don't do so. I know when and how I should exercise. But I don't to it properly. So this year of trying more will hopefully combat that and results may well ensue.
I'm too busy to carry on writing just at the moment, so I'll write again real soon. Peas.

A lot can happen in the month of December

2006-01-05T09:53:00.000Z

Thankfully for me, it didn't so much! This was my first Christmas in oooh about 12 that I haven't been playing festive concerts with various ensembles, and it's been lovely to not do so :-) In fact, I sang carols just once all month, at the Midnight Service with Des and family. I got some windscreen wipers for Christmas, which was the MOST functional present I've ever received, apart from nappies. And Jessi's mum knitted me a scarf, which is fluffy and ACE!
Not much of a Christmas all in all folks, surrounded by emotional situations, illness and other bad shit..makes you really appreciate what you've got. Like health and good friends and other stuff you take for granted.
I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet: and took his shoes. Come on, he had no feet! what's the big deal?
Yes, for the record, my official employment situation is "man of leisure" or "self-employed loafer." It's the kind of job where you don't really WORK, but you always have just enough money. I do have some employment opportunities in the pipeline, but just in case they don't come off, I won't tell you what they are.
December is a time for shopping. Unless you're a real man, when only Christmas Eve is a time for shopping. I'm apparently NOT a real man, cos I went 3 times to buy presents. Highlights included a 1Kg tin of tuna for Des and an empty box of chocolates for my brother (BOY were they nice!)
New Year, now there's a shocker. My first New Year outside of Wirral for 8 years! Ollie Bond was kind enough to invite me to his pad in Surrey for a house party. I travelled down courtesy of my regular chauffeur Stoot, with Beard and Ollie's (and now also our) friend, Robyn. A great time was had by all as you can see here.
Followers of "Mirv's Weight" will be nonplussed to hear that this year has seen a net increase of 3Kg. I'm pleased to note however that I've dropped a jeans size....and didn't eat feckin Crunchy Nut once! (ok ONCE, but no more!). perhaps 52 weeks rather than 2 is more sensible? Readers, that's for you to decide. To help my motivation, I'm going to publish my current weight with each blog entry, which I hope, due to my life being SO very interesting, will be a little more often.
I'm an imperialist, so I'll be posting in imperial measurements. January 2nd:19st 12lb
Today's weight 19st 4lb (I 'ad a good shit!).

Travellers on Merseyrail take note: Keep your feet, off the seat.

MEH

2005-11-30T11:28:00.000Z

I've been home now for two weeks and to be honest with you all, I'm no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life. I'm obviously still considering the local county forces, and because I've been in the job, so to speak, I can by pass all of the recruitment process to get in. On the basis that I like helping people and want to give to society, I'm also considering the possibility of paramedicine. I'm also open to suggestions. So, if you have any, please use the contact form to tell me!

For the last week or so, I've been mainly driving around, thinking and watching The Bill in the hope that it'll inspire me to become a police officer again. No joy really. Oh, and I've been to the gym most days, which is nice.

I've got bugger all to tell you, I'll edit the psot when I think of something.

Until then, keep the Union Jack flying in your hearts.

Mirv X

Changes

2005-11-22T11:18:00.000Z

Well, for those of you who don't know, I'm no longer working for the CNC. It was a really tough decision as I've been working towards this job for quite some time, but it became increasingly clear that my aptitude for policing doesn't stretch to being a firearms officer. Sadly, only the upper echelons of the force can get away without being AFOs, so as a lowly PC, itwas a case of carry or leave, so I left. For those fellow probationers that have made the journey to this site, the very best of luck with the rest of your training, and I look forward to visiting most of you (except Karl) in the new year.

So, what for me? Well, the training I did accomplish highlighted the fact that I can make a decent copper. With that in mind, I contacted the usual 3 (merseyside, cheshire and north wales) none of whom are recruiting. I've to phone them in the new year and explain my situation. GMP aren't taking on either, I tried that. One seldom comes to a dead end in life(except once, at the end). A wise man once said to me, "When you come to a cross-roads in your life you're faced with two options. To do, or not to do." I said "That's not a cross-roads, it's a 'T' junction." I'm at a roundabout. A big one on a motorway with traffic lights for every exit. So, I'm exploring other avenues with cursory glances at first as I travel round the roundabout. Then, once I've been round once I'll turn off and have a closer look at some, then choose one. But I'm conscious that I shouldn't stay on the roundabout for too long. The reason is twofold: 1)I'll start to get dizzy and have to travel to Europe to journey round an anti-clockwise roundabout to right myself 2) Travelling around a roundabout 3 or more times is a traffic offence. That's a hefty paragraph, let's move on.

So, I'm back at home for the moment, taking adventage of cheap lodgings. I've bought myself a dartboard and tom tom sat nav and defrosted my gym membership so i can keep myself busy doing one of 3 things at least. Don't cry for me, Argentina...cry for your rubbish football team.

If anybody fancies writing to me, please use the contact form on the website, cos all Nathan's hard work is going to waste!

Baxter and I got 31/50 in the Traveller's Rest quiz last night. It's really hard, and I'm not 76 years old.

Mirv X (no longer PC 736)

Firearms

2005-11-13T17:56:00.000Z

Clue's in the title right? Week 1 of 3 weeks firearms training and to be quite honest with you, my feelings are very mixed. As you might expect, it's a lot tougher than I thought it was going to be. For reasons of restriction I can't go into much detail of what I've been doing, but sufficed to say it's a lot like the movies when it comes to talkouts, building clearances and tactics. It's also a LOT more involved than pulling a trigger...just in case you thought it was all about "the sexy bit!"

Having said that, from day to day I enjoy myself at the training school. The staff there are mainly good guys who like a bit of mutual piss-taking and as long as you switch on and are serious when you need to be, a bit of joviality goes a LONG way!

The downside to firearms c/f law training is the tiredness factor. Typically the previous 9 weeks had been 8 hour days involving a bit of physical work, but a lot of classroom learning and enough breaks to rejuvenate oneself. Firearms, however, is 10 hour days with about an hour total breaks and mainly physical work either on the range or running about in body armour. The evenings are mainly spent vegging out before an early night in the hope that you don't yawn all day tomorrow, which never works.

Added to this, if I breach range safety at all, it's goodnight Vienna, P45 in hand- and we've lost one guy this way already, so the stress is only just cope-with-able. And I still don't know whether I'm going to be moved to Anglesey instead of Kent, if I pass the course.

Oh, and last Sunday, travelling back to the prison cell that is my room in Cumbria I arrived first on scene of a nasty road accident in which 2 people died and a 3rd was taken to ICU. Googling "A66 crash" could give you more details if you're interested sickos. My newly received first aid skills came in handy but sadly I'm not God, so I couldn't save the 2 pensioners who slipped away about 15 minutes after impact.

Sorry this post isn't as light-hearted as usual, but this week's been shit so I'm not going to lie to you by pretending it wasn't.

Stay away from that Trapdoor....cos there's something dowwwwn there!

Mirv X

P.S. I KNOW you guys are reading this, cos you tell me so in e-mails....but you can make this fun for everyone by adding comments at the bottom of each post!

To my victims, I'm the first emergency service

2005-11-05T11:50:00.000Z

Howdy once again faithful bored readers. Here I am, waving my FAAW qualification. Yes, that's First Aid At Work, so nothing terribly exciting I'm afraid.
For those of you wondering about the lyricality of my previous post, the theme tune to Nelly, when sung at correct time, gives you a count of 15 at the correct tempo for chest compressions in CPR....join with me....
Nelly the Elephant Packed her Trunk and Said goodBye to the CirCus. Off she Went with a Trumpetty- Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump! (Breath....Breath....)

This week I've gained a fine appreciation for O2...that could be first aid-related but I meant the telecommunication facilitators. The simplicity of 2.5G technology has highlighted even further how shit 3 are. I therefore have a new phone, and to accompany it, a new number. You may receive a text with my new number, but then again I'm not sure I can be bothered, so if you have the courtesy to phone or text me, I'll reply from my new phone and we'll have it all sorted!

Oh, I did my driving assessment on Thursday, so I can now drive those big, noisy, flashy blue things. Meh.

I start my firearms training on Monday. 3 weeks of hard work I'm afraid so I'm not going to sound all gun crazed. It's just another tool, for this tool.

One thing which disturbed me this week was my cinema visit to see Saw 2. It's not that it was a blood-thirsty horror film, but the fact that I was completely unaffected by the gorey depictions before me. This is a tad worrying because I've always avoided horror films due to a pre-conception that I would be as scared as I was the first time I saw one. So, it was either a shite film, or I just don't shock anymore.

On arriving home last weekend, my mother commented that I had grown. I suspected she was shrinking, but it appears the confidence gained during my training is making me walk a good yard taller. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not generally...but I can't see that it'll be massively detrimental.

Some of you will be aware of my current dilemma with regard to my future place of work. I'm no closer to knowing if I'm going to get the spare space at Wylffa power station on Anglesey rather than uprooting myself 300 miles to live in Kent. Watch this space!

Sorry guys, I've got nothing much else to tell you except that Ego restaurant in Heswall (and indeed Liverpool and Chester) is lovely. Laura and I had a splendid meal there last Saturday. Also, for further eating out in Wirral, my mum heartily recommends 107 in the aforementioned 'wall for their chocolate fondue.

George Best has a visit from his Docter. The Doctor says "George, I've got good news and bad news."
Geroge: "What's the bad news?"
Docter: "You've only got an hour to live."
George: "Well what's the good news?"
Doctor: "It's happy hour!"

Ithankyou
Mirv X

I AM THE LAW

2005-10-29T09:19:00.000Z

I'm not really, I've just finished that portion of my training. Welcome, disco fans, to a marginally celebratory post. I'm 8 weeks into my training now and I have completed my "law" section. This doesn't mean I know the finer points of every law of the land, but I DO know those most relevant to daily policing. It also means I no longer have to carry round 5 reams of printed word in work every day. However, it DOES mean that after next week I've got to carry a firearm, so frankly it's not all rosey just yet!

This week saw my second appearance in court in 8 weeks (it's like I'm a criminal!) but this time it was to give evidence in a mock trial to give us an understanding of our role at hearings. We also paid a visit to Workington Police Station to visit their custody suite- (TOP TIP, don't get yourself arrested, they're horrid places. But if you do, go for the Lasagne, it's the best meal of them all!)

During the course of the week we had our 5th and final KEE test which I'm happy to report saw us all pass with flying colours yet again. I think my average is somewhere around the 80% mark, which is nice. We also had our 3rd PT fitness assessment and I'm happy to report that during the last 6 weeks I've improved my aerobic fitness and doubled my press-up and sit-up count. Again, nice.

Thursday night, class piss-up. Yum. Snooze.

Subject to my being transferred to elsewhere than fecking Kent, I now have an idea of my timetable for after pass-out on December 2nd which basically involves 10 days work between then and December 22nd in both Cumbria and Kent. I'm then off until January 7th. I tell you this to make the necessary persons aware that they will be visited in Cardiff, Germany and possibly Russia too. I would add North Carolina but Jessi hasn't replied to my September E-mail yet so she's off the Christmas list!

In yet other news it would seem that, providing the temperature remains constant, the potential difference across a resistor is DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL to the current passing through it!!!

Fairly certain at this point I've run out of things to say. If you're bored, may I suggest www.derelictlondon.com for some interesting photography of our decaying capital?! No? ok then.

Until next time, when Nelly the elephant packs her trunk, keep it (and by it I mean YOU) safe and well and Mike? Don't eat the poultry ;-)

ARGH The Russians are coming!

2005-10-21T17:46:00.000Z

Relax, they've gone now! Welcome pop-pickers to another exciting installment of mindless text from your friendly PC, Mirv! It's been 2 weeks since my last post, so I'd like to think I could fill a good chuck ofthis page....we'll see.
The Russians DID come...well, the top-brass of the Russian Nuclear Guard Force, an affable bunch who drank a bit, smoked some questionable-smelling substances in the no-smoking accomodation, seemed shocked and then pleasantly surprised when I spoke Russian to them, and then disappeared into the night. I'm still not sure why they came. I'm even less sure why they were accompanied by their opposite numbers from the States....but what I do know is that yours truly is part of the world leader in Nuclear security and transport...we do it better than the Americans...and they admit it too!

So, what else has been going on? Well, let me consult my timetable...oh wait, that's useless because EVERYTHING changed!...kinda casts doubt on my previous comment?! Well, I've definately done some more law, I've had a 9mm shoved in my face...that's a pistol, not a micropenis. I've been "verbally assertive" (a strong point believe it or not!) and....remember that video of LA cops beating a black guy on the sidewalk?....well, yeah, I may have used a little excessive force in a exercise...fortunately it was simulated so my PT instructor can still walk (more's the pity).

Last weekend was our briefly anticipated sponsored walk. At last count we've raised about £600 for the local mental health day centre. Thank you to those of you who offered to sponsor me. I'll be hunting you down in due course.

Last night, as a result of our gallant efforts above and our subsequent repast we were invited to the Jenning's brewery for a guided tour and as much as we could drink. Which was nice. Glug.

In Wirral news, and for the benefit of those WGSB old boys away from the peninsula: Tony Cooper has wangled a £3.1 million grant out of the local government to replace the 11 (count them) mobile classrooms....with bricks and mortar. There will apparently be a maths and science building and a new music suite. The rumour is that they will keep the door with the broken catch and the defunct heating system in situ and build around them. Having consulted with PBS he comments "GLORIA! GLORIA! in excelsis deo!" (I've not actually spoken to him, but he may have said that). What I can't understand is the upper echelons of the Governership. If a school is meant to be self-governed, ie. the board made up of teachers and parents of pupils then why is the chair filled by Bart Edmundson, whose son, Steven "Eddie" the Timpanist left in 1998 and his vice chair Ian Raffe whose son, if memory serves, was Head Boy in 1996? Furthermore...how does a person who chose to drive a Rover 75 wind up headteacher of a decent school? The world's gone mad!

So, that's me...I'm off out to see real women (something of a rarity in Cumbria, unless you like the ghetto booty). Keep it tight and remember....you can still close internet explorer pages by double clicking top-LEFT!

DROP THE KNIFE!!

2005-10-08T07:55:00.000Z

Well, this rather pisses up my intention to post every fortnight. We're at the end of week 5 now and I'm currently kneeling in front of Daisy's computer in Glasgow. The reasons for these circumstances are twofold: 1)the kneeling. I did serious damage to my hamstring yesterday whilst undertaking uphill sprints on a fell called Dent. It hurts. 2)I wouldn't normally post at the end of an "odd" week but next weekend my class is doing a 12 mile orienteer around the north lakes...carrying an 18 stone dummy on a stretcher.............no Richy, it's not ME! So, needless to say I won't be at home to post. There you go.

This week hasn't been the most eventful. Monday was criminal attempts and burglary followed by a run up a fell that, according to the map, is 1900ft! Tues, Weds and Thurs were somewhat mixed because the class was split into three and 1/3 each day went to our firearms facility to do Officer Safety Training which is basically self-defence and getting the edge on any would be attacker, armed or otherwise. The remaining 2 days were spent dealing with a road traffic collision and filling in the relevant forms. This could have been done in a day easily, so stretching it was quite a challenge.

Friday saw my 2nd KEE test, in which I scored 75%. I was a little despondant at having dropped 10% over the previous test but it seemed that most people had done so too. Happy days!

After the KEE test we had a lesson on drug awareness in which we got to see most types of drugs (police perks eh?) and watch a harrowing video made in Liverpool about drug misuse and educating people in the safest use of drugs to minimise harm. Sick. Then I pulled my hammie and came up here.

Oh, I got the rest of my uniform on Wednesday too which includes the old-style police tunic for my passing out parade, which is now a ceremony indoors because apparently the weather might not be clement in December! My issue of kit is worth about £1600. Which is nice. And the best bit? It's ALL paid for by BNFL etc and not you lovely tax payers! I'm off chaps, keep it real fo shizzle.

Join the Police...and run 'til you're sick!

2005-10-01T12:08:00.000Z

Well you're right there, pop-pickers! Physical Training has started in earnest (although he doesn't approve) and despite preparatory running etc. I'm still suffering minor muscle soreness. B'ah well, the PT is still a welcome break to intensive classroom sessions and includes such delights as sprinting shuttle runs.... "ooh" you might say, but let me paint a picture of the hilly lake district, 65mph winds and rain, by the bucket load- it really makes you appreciate a pint afterwards!
This fortnight has also included some interesting law work including searching, arrest and theory, and we even had time for a coffee or two! I've also met the Chief Constable, which was nice. Oh, yesterday I had my first KEE (knowledge evaluation examination) test and got 85% (I purposefully achieved that score for all my homies who went to Italy with me ;-).

In other news, I crashed my car!....well, not really but the repair to my shiny alloy is setting me back
£50 which is naff all on my wage! HEH HEH ;-)

Hello to my boys around the globe, especially Stoot, Beard and Farkes...Tim, you'll be pleased to know that I went and bought a dartboard this morning on the back of my first pay cheque! and I'm now going to drive to your house to nick some cake off your mum!

Hello also to you students. On behalf of everyone with a JOB, we emplore you to stop wasting our taxes on degrees that won't come to any use! Richy, that pretty much goes for you too :-P

So guys, hopefully I'll tell you more in another fortnight. Rest assured before then that I will continue to exercise, learn and drink lager.

Ciao
Mirv X

Two Weeks In

2005-09-17T06:31:00.000Z

Well folks, here we are, some 2 whole weeks into my course and let me be the first to say it feels like a couple of months. For the greater portion of this time, we've had 'the corporate speak.' This esentially involves taking 4 hours worth of important information and stretching it out over about 8, 8 hour days. The favoured phrase amongst my colleagues is "Death by Powerpoint" and is no exaggerration!
On a brighter note, I've been diversified. To most of you this will mean you no longer know me. I'll say no more, I've been diversified. Oh, and to those of you interested, I have my uniform and I look rather dapper in it too.
There were 23 others on my course (now 22) plus a course of 24, 3 weeks ahead of us. Ages range from 19 to 52 and come from as far as Inverness and Plymouth. We have time-served police officers, ex-forces people, school-leavers, caterers, a tax inspector and a sea-lion worker. For the part of my course it reflects our diverse society wonderfully. 23 white, 'middle-class' Protestant (or non-faith) males, despite this job being open to anybody. (There are 5 females on the other course btw!)
The local pub, the Ewe and Lamb is owned and run by a chap called Ned. Ned is an affable sort who will provide half-time grub whenever there's a decent football match on TV which mainly consists of steak and kidney pies for all. I fear this is because he makes a small fortune selling us
1664 at £2.50 a pint- reasonable in London, but not in a northern former-mining village. A lot of my cash has gone in his till this last fortnight. B'ah well!
Although unconfirmed, my CInsp has suggested well all be home for Christmas and new Year. Watch this space....or the one that appears above it, but won't be a space because it'll be full of text....bye.

Hello

2005-09-04T10:38:00.000Z

My name is mirv, and this is my Blog.

I'm starting my police training today so this would seem like the ideal time to start off a fresh new weblog. I've not done anything yet but I'm supposed to be in the Training Centre in a few hours for my first meeting, so I should probably be off.

I'll post here whenever I feel the urge and have access to t'internet. If YOU feel the urge to contact me, you can probably click a link that says "comment" near here...or use the contact page to send me an old-fashioned e-mail.

Czech ya