2116 Hinckley Hall

Wish list for when I invent the internet

2007-12-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

1. I want a word processor built in, so I can open a browser tab and start typing an assignment rather than waiting for Word to load and trying to switch windows back and forth if I'm doing research online. I want that word processor to save my work often (because I forget to do so) and to be easy to use.

2. I want a place to save my school assignments that won't lose them and is easily searchable, but that I can access from anywhere with internet access. BYU's NetStorage has been working pretty well for me in that regard--well, minus the "easily searchable" bit--but today I was reminded not to trust anything the school puts online (Blackboard, Route Y, now NetStorage, etc.) because it's remarkably undependable.

I was thinking things like this to myself a few minutes ago, when I thought to myself, "Self, you should use a blog!"

And then I thought, "Self, you have too many blogs already."

And then I thought, "But can you have too much of a good thing?" I contend that you cannot, and as evidence I give you chocolate chip cookies. Never enough.

Mmm...I really think I'm gonna go make some cookies. Or some monkey bread.

I believe I've decided

2007-12-01T02:58:00.000-07:00

to start a new blog and not give out the address. Reasons:

Scott's a big part of my life now (understatement of the year), and I don't know that it's fair to him for me to chronicle the minutiae of our lives without his input. (Does he even know I have this blog? I don't think so...if nothing else, I've got wedding dress pictures posted & I'm pretty sure he hasn't seen them.) Maybe we could do a joint blog for news-y updates and such, like Courtney and Sam or our friends Ryan and Leah. Hmm.
I've got some (relatively unfounded) emotional baggage associated with this blog, and I'd like a fresh start.
Like I've mused about before, it changes the nature of a journal to have an audience. Originally I just wanted this blog to be used as a private journal, only online--because I can update it anywhere, it's super easy to organize & search, I'll never lose it or get it wet or otherwise damage its contents, and I type so much faster than I write by hand. But I'm such a blabbermouth by nature, I guess--verbal, digital, or otherwise--that it somehow grew into something big. My stats page tells me I've had 128 unique visitors from 19 different countries this month, including Saudi Arabia, Peru, India, and Iceland. What the heck?! Who would want to read this? Really. I'm bored.

So...now I just have to come up with a name...always the hardest part.

In other news, Scott and I ordered flowers and got a marriage license today! Hooray! The end is in sight. We just need to finish up sending the invitations and get a cake, and I think we're done! Yessssss. 22 days!

Quickly, because I'm falling asleep

2007-11-26T00:19:00.000-07:00

as I type. No kidding. My head just about fell into my Ramen just there.

Okay, so Scott and I have had the most AWESOME weekend! We spent it (well, the whole week, really) dashing around Texas and Louisiana, dropping in on his (soon to be my! Holy cow!) family and friends. So many great people. Southerners have so much heart, and so much fire in their bones. Everyone else seems almost apathetic by comparison.

Pictures and more details later, maybe, if I feel like it and can find some time. For now:

Tuesday: class/work, ate ourselves silly at Fortune Chinese before leaving town, flew to Houston, stayed there that night with Scott's mom and sister Jenny at her apartment.
Wednesday: drove to Austin (2-3 hours), picked up Ross and Juliann (Scott's older brother and sister-in-law), had some more good Chinese at this cool place his family always eats at, saw some sights (Austin Arboretum, ate some Amy's Ice Cream, drove around this really pretty woodsy place, walked around, almost fell in the river, etc.), open house! (So fun, but so exhausting! Man!) hosted by the Johnstons--family friends that go way, way back. Great people. David kills me.
Thursday: Thanksgiving with the Johnstons. Also went on a really nice walk with Scott--we saw a lot of his old stomping grounds, including his elementary school where he did his Eagle scout project. (Awwww!). Drove to Lake Charles, Louisiana (5ish hours)--his parents' house. Was that the night we had the fire in his backyard? Yeah, I think so. His dad built a fire in the fire pit for us. He's awesome.
Friday: Drove around with Jenny and Julie (Scott's mom) & saw a lot of cool stuff in southern Louisiana, including the Tabasco factory (only place in the world it's made!), lots of beautiful gardens & a bird sanctuary. Scott and I found these nasty nasty nasty intestines floating in the muck in one of the jungly places we went. We think someone tried to feed the alligators. Stayed on a plantation estate that night--we were in the servants' quarters, but everything was still so beautiful and nice. Really elegant. We all fell asleep watching this really lame ghost movie (The Off Season, maybe? Can't remember the title). So fun.
Saturday: New Orleans! Holy cow. So much to see and hear and do and eat--the French quarter (which we did not eat), the famous (huge!) flea market, the beautiful beautiful beautiful second-story condos all over the place (everything's so verdant & lush! Victorianish without being gaudy for the most part), Jazz musicians, all kinds of street performers, Begniets (I know that's spelled wrong--French doughnuts piled with powdered sugar. Mmmmmmmmm.), Jambalaya (I actually like it way better the way Scott makes it!), awesome old churches and hotels and bars (didn't go in those, obviously)...we did wander down Burbon Street for a while, which I hated. So so offensive to the spirit, as prudish as that sounds. It's like the Vegas strip only not as flashy and with no patches of classy hangouts at all. We also did this haunted history tour--pretty cool ghost stories along a walking tour of the nicer parts of the French quarter & other historical spots. Maybe the weirdest thing was to see the hurricanes' impact on the South in general and New Orleans especially. We drove past the Superdome--it made my heart ache to think of so many people stranded. It's bizarre to think of what's now (again) a bustling town--metropolis, really--like New Orleans being covered in filthy water and, really, almost destroyed in parts. Most of what we saw has been rebuilt, but there are still places where everyone's still trying to get back on their feet and get their lives put back together more than two years later. In unrelated news, I saw more black people in two blocks in New Orleans than I think I'd seen in all of my life to that point. It was great.
Sunday: oh, we drove back to Lake Charles that night (about 3 hours again, I think. I'm gonna have to sit down and count up how many hours we spent in that car this week. Let's just say that Scott and I watched a whole lot of movies and tried to nap a lot, sometimes with more success than other times). Sunday we sang in Scott's parents' ward's sacrament meeting (me, Scott, Julie, Jenny, and Scott's youngest brother Matt--Scott's dad had left for a business trip to Germany the day before). So fun--Scott sang a solo! Gaa! I love so much to hear him sing. It does crazy things to my head. Oh, and we got to meet more old friends--cool people I've heard stories about. After church we dashed off to the airport again, hopped on a plane, and are finally back again.

Whew!

I am so so so tired. Doesn't help that I've got more to do this week than there are hours in which to do it, really. Man alive. I'm going to bed.

I'm engaged and going crazy

2007-11-18T01:29:00.000-07:00

...but tonight was awesome: 2 hours round trip together in the car, walking around downtown Salt Lake, Macaroni Grill, crazy choir/orchestra concert (combined U of U and BYU musicians) in the Tabernacle, Temple Square in general...in short, Scott and I got almost 6 hours of uninterrupted us-time, and it was GREAT! It is so nice to spend some time alone with him. So so so so nice. It's not a luxury we get very often--which, I guess, is probably a good thing at this point...

But I really am going insane. The tides have turned again in the epic battle (Birth Control vs. My Reproductive System: Smackdown!)...back to the drawing board. We're getting married in 33 days and the announcements haven't even been printed, let alone assembled & mailed. I'm super behind in my homework, but I'm not going to be able to catch up at all next week since Scott and I will be jaunting around all over Texas and southern Louisiana (HOORAY!!). Hmm.

No complaints, really, though. I've kind of surrendered to it all--like when you quit fighting the sea water at the beach and just realize you're going to swallow about a gallon of ocean if you want to body surf. Problem is it makes your throat burn and your stomach turn. No burning throat for me now, just headaches... and in 4 1/2 weeks it'll all be over (!!!). Really it'll all have just begun, but the hurdles will at least be different. And I can at least get a little more sleep over Christmas. Maybe.

Huzzah!! Let's get married!!

I'm watching the World Series and I don't even like baseball.

2007-10-25T20:49:00.000-07:00

I don't really have much to say, but I haven't posted for a while and the little "Blog Edit" button at the top of my page has been staring at me for the last half hour.

I've got a ridiculous post on the back burner...something about fall leaves and such. I really should write something for school instead.

I guess that's all. Midterms have kind of cooked my brain, and I have six loads of laundry in the driers downstairs. I should wash my clothes more often.

In all honesty,

2007-10-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

I wish I were a better writer. Because I'm actually not very good at all, despite what I usually think. This saddens me.

Oh, well. Moment's gone.

Some thoughts, many unoriginal

2007-10-16T21:16:00.000-07:00

Defenestrate is an awesome word.

Listening to the rain is incredibly soothing. Same thing goes for the ocean. Or a river. I believe I was born to be a fish.

Or a bird. Every time I place myself on anything remotely resembling a precipice, I am nearly overcome with the urge to cast myself off and just fly. This is problematic, since I possess neither wings nor the innate ability to hover, float, or glide.

I have a cold. My sinuses and ears are all stuffed up, my throat is sore, and I feel achy all over. This isn't recorded by way of complaint, only remark; I almost never get sick. Point of clarification: I feel sick a lot of the time, but it's typically from internal causes like poor eating or sleeping habits, say, or perhaps chemicals I take into my body to prevent ovulation. It's rare that external organisms like bacteria or viruses build up enough of a population inside me to make me take notice. Today is one of those days.

Veils are expensive. Weddings are expensive. And ridiculous, mostly. It's rare that an event in my life is governed and dictated by such deep-rooted traditions. I'm not sure if this bothers me or not...I don't really have time to think about it.

I think I have a...what would you say? Not an alter ego, but...a kindred spirit, perhaps, in the (relatively) anonymous online personality who terms herself Uffish Thought. So much of what she writes resonates with me--it feels like something I would want to say, only she says it better. May I borrow some of her words? Apparently we've been thinking a lot of the same things lately.

I have neither the time nor the skill to explain the whirlwind of thoughts from these past few weeks. ... I feel like I've turned a page in the book of my life ... There's so much filling my head, though, I can't put it down quite right.

...the realization that you aren't suddenly prepared to deal with life when you hit 'adulthood' has suddenly descended upon me. I knew it, but now I know it more. And parenthood! I could be a parent within 5 years [a year, say, for me!] ... I think I'd do a decent job, but I'd like to do a fantastic one. Once I start having kids, though, I won't suddenly be WonderMom. I'll have the same habits and problems as I did before. And I'd like to teach by example, as well as just verbally. So I'd better start practicing what I want to preach now. Or at least try a little harder.

... I realized I [don't] know much about how [my brothers] interact with people outside the home. ... It's strange to me that I know my own family so little, and that it's not likely that I'll get to know them much better, unless by some chance, we end up living close to each other when we're all grown and settled. Hopefully, we can at least write or call frequently. I've been in a little closer communication with my parents these past few weeks, too, and I'm beginning to realize that feeling like I've got a good relationship there is just as simple as opening up a little more and making sure to include them in my life.

[I love this. It's beautiful.] ... There's still a lot to do, a lot to think about, a whole life to figure it all out in, but time goes faster as it goes along, and it gets harder to change. I've been here before, I'll be here again, but I hope to be more then than I am now.

It's odd how much I feel like I have in common with this person, although we've never met and never will.

Oh, dear. I'm so distracted tonight because I can't stop thinking about poor Scott. He got up around 6 this morning to finish homework and study for a midterm, spent all day studying and taking said midterm, and is now just beginning an 8(ish)-hour stint of an all-nighter to finish the projects he has due at 8:00 tomorrow morning. Silly as it sounds, it breaks my heart to think of him plugging along at 3 in the morning when he's already so exhausted, mentally and physically. I want to swoop in and do it for him, let him take a little nap at least, but I know that I can't (not just that I shouldn't, but that I'm actually incapable of doing his work for him). It frustrates me and makes me sad to see him tired or unhappy. I just want to solve it, to make it go away, to make him feel better. Goodness, this sounds ridiculous. Is this a small part of what it means to be a parent?

Ugh. I'm sitting here sniffling and putting off homework again. Back to the grindstone...

Goin' to the chapel, and we're...

2007-10-06T01:36:00.000-07:00

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!
Holy crap! Woo hoooooooooooooo!!!

Here are some pictures. I will post/link more soon.

Oh SNAP! A veil and everything!

My second-favorite dress. Pretty picture.

Oh my GOSH, I'm getting MARRIED! This is the dress I'm getting. It'll fit better after the alterations are done (it's two sizes too big in this picture).

Scott and Cathryn, sittin' in a tree...

Woo hoo! Let's get married!!

Making time for Sunday

2007-07-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

Liz's blog just reminded me of something I was thinking about last night. Weekends seem to fly by so quickly, and I started to wonder why. Sundays especially seem to move so quickly.

As I've thought about it, I've realized that, strangely enough, sometimes Sundays are hard days to really worship. Our ward has so much going on--much of it meaningful and constructive, much of it...less so--that I almost wonder if I need to take a break from Sunday sometimes. I mean...well, here. If I took advantage of every such opportunity offered, my Sunday schedule would look like this:

Up at 9
Hospital singing, 10-11
Lunch, practicing hymns for sacrament meeting, misc. meetings, etc., 11-12:30
Ward choir, 12:40
Playing prelude, 1:10
Church, 1:30-4:30
Dinner, chatting it up with everyone after church, etc., 5:00-6:00
Taking calls at the MTC, 6:00-7:00 (actually, I'm not positive on what time this is)
Cooking for sweet swap, 7:00-7:45
Ward prayer, 7:45
Sweet swap, 8:30

Suddenly, I've been up for 12 hours and haven't really...had a Sunday. I've barely had time to eat, let alone sit down for a couple of hours and study and pray and such. For the record, I never make it to everything (some weeks I barely make it to the church block), but isn't it all a little...extreme?

I dunno. It's not like the ward expects everyone to go to everything. But sometimes it seems like there are so many things to do on Sunday that it's hard to have a day of rest. It feels a little bit like, "Well, it's church- or service-related? Let's do it on Sunday!"

Oh, well. I don't mean to rag on all the quirky social/pseudo-spiritual constructs of a typical singles ward, because while I know they're ridiculous, I think they are at least well-intentioned. I'm not really sure what I'm saying here, other than trying to remind myself to make Sunday...Sunday. Thoughts?

June

2007-07-14T02:49:00.000-07:00

that they made this brand of happy. that it came in this flavor.
saccharine could be so sweet
stress? snug hug.
tingle, buzz, pop rocks brain
that it was okay to talk about
that it was okay to not talk about
surprisingly...slimy.
he cares so. Why? How?
would--could!--take me keep me exactly as I am.

Well, these I never knew.

some days

2007-07-14T02:32:00.001-07:00

there is nothing
either good or bad, but thinking makes it so: to me it is a prison.

Hamlet I.ii

In which the life of this blog hangs in the balance.

2007-06-05T12:42:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't written anything since...I don't know, April?

Okay. It's gonna be okay. Whew. I'm really, really nervous to post anything. A few weeks ago I had the scare of my [blogging] life, and now I'm not sure how okay I am with broadcasting my deepest (or, probably, just most random) thoughts and feelings across the entire internet.

Remember back in the day when I wrote about a few dates I had with guys in my ward? I didn't think much of it at the time, because I didn't think anyone but a few Writing Center friends even read my blog and that even then, it didn't matter since my ward life and my work life never crossed paths. Basically I didn't think at all.

Well, like I was saying, a few weeks ago I realized (via another eerily stalker-like source, the Facebook news feed) that at least one of the guys about whom I had written had read my post and had been really hurt by it.

I felt terrible. Awful. I feel awful. It makes my stomach turn to just think about it. (Aside: Ugh, I didn't want to face up to this...) I had no intention of being unkind...it was only in retrospect that I realized how much pain the post could cause when read from another perspective. I felt so cruel for hurting someone like that and like an even bigger jerk for doing it in what is apparently such a public way. I couldn't stop rereading anything I'd ever posted and imagining terrible things happening with other people getting hurt. I immediately wished I could go back and erase it, erase anything I'd ever written, make the whole thing go away, somehow fix the damage I'd done...but I obviously can't.

Instead, I vowed then and there that I would never think anything but complimentary thoughts about anyone, let alone speak any of them (or, of course, publish them online), as unrealistic as such an idea is. I renounced blogging at least temporarily, perhaps for good. I nearly deleted all of my old posts until I realized that it was water under the bridge at this point. I nearly contacted the fellow I'd offended and apologized until I realized it might do more harm than good for him to find out that I knew (that he knew that I knew that he knew, etc.); the last thing I wanted to do was embarrass him any further. I felt so...useless, like there was nothing I could do to ever make things right again. I eventually concluded that all I could do was wait and let time heal wounds.

It was a good vow that I made, of course, but since I'm human and inherently (infinitely) fallible, I know I can't keep it. Instead I've (hopefully) learned to watch my words--spoken or written--much more carefully now, which I count as a priceless lesson to learn. It's just too bad it had to come about this way.

So...now what? I really like my blog. It's a great place for me to keep in touch with my other friends that write online. I love the opportunity to send my thoughts out into the void and hear them echo back with fresh perspectives. I've just come to realize (in the worst possible way) that it isn't fair to do that when other people's feelings are on the line.

I think I'll keep the blog. I've just got to be a better person about what I do with it. And I know this is cheating, but I think I'm going to go back and delete some of the posts that mention people by name. I don't know how much good it will do, but I think it'll at least help me feel like I've got more of a clean slate.

So, dear readers--any of you left--I have a few messages for you:

To anyone I've inadvertently hurt in the past: I'm sorry. Really. I am. I wish I had a better way to say it. Please believe that I never meant any of you ill will. Chalk things up to my personal weaknesses and not any resentment I bear you.
To anyone reading the archives: Be gentle, please. As I've said, I've written in weakness, in times when I've been frustrated and despondent and lonely. I think I've grown more over the course of the last two years than I ever have in my life; in between posts about crazy late-night trips to Wal-mart and inane lists of class schedules, I think you can see that growth. I'm glad to say that I see myself as a very different person than the one who started this blog in September of 2005. Please read with a grain (or five) of salt and a forgiving eye, and remember that it took me a long time to recognize the dangers of letting other people read your journal.
To anyone reading future posts: I can't promise things will be interesting (I actually never did, honestly)--in fact, I anticipate everything being a lot less salacious than it ever used to be since I've promised myself I'll keep anything personal confined to pen and paper.

Thanks for being patient with me, friends, through my dramatics and everything. Have a good night.

Prodigal blogger

2007-05-19T12:51:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry I've been so lame about posting lately. I don't know that I've got much to say, but I really ought to say...something. Here are a bunch of somethings I've done since I last posted, I guess:

Said goodbye to two roommates for the summer and two roommates for forever.
Got a job at the BYU Bindery and consequently became acquainted with the Damn Planners.
Went home for Mother's Day.
Was called as the ward pianist...AAH!
Helped Allie pick out a wedding dress and a reception center. (SO weird...)
Got sunburned to a crisp, but earned a bit of a tan. I'm almost done peeling.
Bought A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man and Dubliners. Perhaps I'll have time to start them eventually.
Organized the writing center bookshelves with Katherine.
Purchased shorts. I haven't done that for...oh, probably nine years.
Attended this fun little acoustic concert & Smart Cookie, also with Katherine. Plotting ensued.
Tentatively changed my minor to Editing.
Climbed onto the roof of the JKB after exploring much of the building still under construction.
Registered for 18 credits this fall, including 5 English classes. I think I'm going to die, but I can't talk myself into dropping any of them yet.
Became absurdly excited for London.
Painted (bad) watercolor landscapes, wandered around Home Depot for a couple of hours, was treated to dinner at Fazoli's, and worked on this crazy electrical engineering project (all) with Caleb last night. We almost burned down his kitchen.
Woke up with a big headache this morning, despite sleeping a ton. I should eat something.

So, today I've decided that my priorities include 1) getting rid of this headache, 2) doing my laundry, 3) practicing whatever hymns I'm supposed to be able to play tomorrow, and 4) making an apple pie, assuming I can find some apples. Whoever said I don't lead a life of mystery, adventure, and intrigue? :P

So torn.

2007-04-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

Where shall I live next fall? It's a silver and gold situation--make new friends, but keep the old... My wanderlust is coming to the surface again and I want to get out of here. At the same time, though, I love this place. It's familiar and comfortable. But will I be sick of it by the end of the summer? Probably...

Aahhh!

So, I'm behind on basic journal stuff.

2007-04-22T01:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry that this is kind of boring, but if I don't write it down somewhere, I'll forget it all by next month.

(Wednesday/Thursday) St. George/Vegas trip! Holy cow! We're awesome! The 119 photos I took in 36 hours tell it all, so I'm not even going to try to recap. Wait...did I blog about this already?

(Friday) RELIENT MAE CONCERT. Wow again. Mae wasn't bad, but Relient K was incredible. I think I'm madly in love with Matt Thiessen. P.S. Street tacos are delicious. P.P.S. Street team work is not worth the perks, especially when you've already bought the ticket. P.P.S.S. Can I marry Matt after he converts? Please?

(Saturday) Holy cow...crazy day...I had my last shift of the semester at the writing center, which was uneventful besides the fact that it was the last time I'd see a lot of people. Sad. Then I spent 6 1/2 hours trying to finish (/start) my "personal discipline plan" for ScEd 379, which was due at my final at 7:20 (I got it moved to 8:50). Ugh. My brain felt like exploding. THEN Steven called (Corey's hot roommate) and asked if I wanted to watch a movie or something. We ended up playing this crazy trains/cards/something like Risk + Monopoly game with his other roommate Billy and a girl in their ward. Billy and date cared a lot more about the game than we did...Steven and I kind of played bowling and football field goal kick and build the biggest tower with the game pieces instead of paying attention. I think we had way more fun. Steven told me about why the golden spike was too bendy to be a real spike (pure gold has some kind of slipping action going on between the molecules--that's why alloys are stronger: they stop the slipping) because it's what was on one of his Mechanical Engineering finals today. And he quizzed me a little for my rapidly approaching Chem 105 final, but I didn't do so well because I was...well...distracted...did I mention that I think he's fabulous?

Hmm. I didn't mean for that to be so long.

Also...I'm going to post some lyrics, which I know is lame, but they've been stuck in my head for the last 2 days. The more I think about them, the more I like them...which is usually a good thing...anyway, Matt (the lead singer/songwriter/rhythm guitarist/pianist/frontman extraordinaire for Relient K) cried when they played this song (!). (Wow. I am such a groupie.)

For the record, these guys have been called a "Christian band" (whatever you take that to mean), so yes, he probably is talking about all the things you may think here. Besides, I think this song is just a lot more poetic than most of the lyrics out there, in some ways...

...and I promise the words don't seem so saccharine when they're set to music. Or something.

Let it all out
Get it all out
Rip it out, remove it
Don't be alarmed
When the wound begins to bleed

'Cause we're so scared to find out
What this life's all about
So scared we're going to lose it,
Not knowing all along
That's exactly what we need

And today I will trust you with confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
But tomorrow, upon hearing what I did,
I will stare at you in disbelief
Oh, inconsistent me
Crying out for consistency

And you said I know that this will hurt
But if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear, remember,
The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

And I'll let it be known
At times I have shown
Signs of all my weakness
But somewhere in me
There is strength

And you promise me
That you believe
In time I will defeat this
'Cause somewhere in me
There is strength

And today I will trust you with the confidence
Of a man who's never known defeat
And I'll try my best to just forget
That that man isn't me

Reach out to me
Make my heart brand new
Every beat will be for you

And I know you know
You touched my life
When you touched my heavy heart and made it light

EPAA meeting

2007-04-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

Hi. My name is Cathryn, and I'm an Exclamation Point Addict.

I think I've secretly been an exclamation point addict for many years. It took me a long time to admit that I had a problem, but after a while I just couldn't ignore the signs anymore. Reading over casual conversations I'd had with others through instant messaging or glancing over old blogs, I've realized, only brings me pain because the marks are everywhere. It's a curse: it's like I can't go three sentences without using an exclamation point!

My exclamation point abuse has affected my relationships. I'm afraid that people don't take me seriously when I am excited because I sound excited all the time. I think I may have an underlying problem--perhaps I really am excited all the time?--but that's neither here nor there.

To combat my addiction, I've decided to try reaching out to other resources. I'm reevaluating my relationships with other punctuation marks. Semicolons, for example, never get enough credit. I need to try validating them instead of putting so much of a burden on poor old exclamation points, don't you think?

People say I need to use my words to express myself. For reasons I don't fully understand, I'm subscribed to a word-a-day feed--I should pay more attention to that. What about..."cavort?" That's a great word! Oops. That's a...prodigious...word.

Hmm.

This is going to be a tough time for me. I don't know if I can go cold-turkey! They tell me that if I truly want to change, I'm going to have to make sacrifices, but I don't know if I'm ready. I hope I can find support from my friends and family to get me through this ordeal.

But they always say, "Admitting you have a problem is the first step," right?

My other blog...

2007-04-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

For some unknown reason, I've neglected to mention that I keep another blog--well, or that I've started keeping another blog, anyway. It's an effort to just "write in my journal" (such as it is) more often. Because it sometimes seems too intimidating to compose a complete post just to mention a couple of things about my day, I've started writing four lines a day about miscellaneous factoids du jour. The idea comes from some guy's blog I found in passing where he writes just one line a day. What can I say? I go the distance, eh? :-)

For anyone interested, it's at http://fourlinesaday.blogspot.com/ (be warned: it's pretty boring).

I should major in statistics. No, really.

2007-04-14T22:53:00.000-07:00

So, I was just looking over my last post, and the statistics to the side of my post that show the frequency of my posting piqued my interest. I have some homework that desperately needs to get done, so, naturally, I decided I'd make a graph of my blogging information instead of homeworking.

Interesting. I'd like to pretend that there is a trend to this data, which obviously means it's somehow significant. Let's see...how does it compare to...rainfall?

Ah HA! I KNEW it! Do you see the connection? DO you? When it rains in Salt Lake, I blog! Which obviously means...

Hmm.

Let's try again. How about...how often people search Google for "ipod?"

Now this one's truly genius. Can you catch the correlation? See how "ipod" searches are lowest in August, and how low my blogging rate is for August? Why, in August of 2006, I didn't make any posts! Clearly, I feel a subliminal urge to blog when more people are trying to buy ipods online.

This makes for an interesting conundrum. Since the community's collective desire to possess an ipod makes me want to blog, it obviously follows that if I want a new ipod, everyone else will want to blog more.

Look! LOOK! It's TRUE! My ipod's been slowly dying, and I was just thinking today about how much I want a new one because mine's performance is sketchy at best. Me wanting an ipod more = more people blogging! Sweet!

Wait...what happens if I do get a new ipod and I stop wanting one? Then no one will blog anymore! Well, that's it. To anyone out there: never let me get a new ipod. Blogging is a good thing--we don't want that to stop! I'll just have to suffer along with my old little ipod mini.

Oh, the sacrifices I make.

Band of the week: Aqualung

2007-04-14T22:12:00.002-07:00

If you haven't heard them (well, him) before, consider checking out Aqualung. [Editorial aside: what am I doing plugging an indie band on my blog? I hate it when those crazy indie-music whackos try to convert the world. Wait--I don't even like indie!]

Well, okay. Whatever. I like Aqualung.

Here's what Rolling Stone and Rhapsody have to say about it all, if you're interested:

Matt Hanes grew up above his parents' record shop and was playing piano and writing songs by the age of four. Not surprisingly, he was awarded a scholarship to study music composition when he was 16; by the next year, he was conducting a 60-piece orchestra [performing his own symphony]. ... Hales delivers keenly focused keyboard-based drama that blows away all pretenders trailing in Coldplay's wake. ... Beautifully detached ... Aqualung boasts major vocal, instrumental and compositional chops ... uniting Radiohead-ish British rock and symphonic pop.

Bah. I don't like Radiohead much. Or Coldplay. Strange.

So here's a question: sweet or stalkerish? Exhibit A:

I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart, unseen.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful...

Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes,
And I know, the waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes...

...which is from his big hit (such as it is) "Strange & Beautiful." I guess I ask because similar thoughts have been rolling around in my head for a while, and I can't decide if said thoughts are a good thing or not. I've had such mixed results with crushes that I don't know what to think anymore.

Okay, no, "mixed results" isn't true. I've never had a crush pan out. Do they ever?

Blah.

2007-04-13T01:21:00.000-07:00

Call it a self-fulfilling prophesy, but I knew it was going to be a bad day when I woke up this morning. It's like I sat up and got a face full of smog--like I stumbled into the gray cloud hanging over my bed before I even opened my eyes.

Hmm. I don't like the way that sounds, but I'm not sure I care.

It's not that anything's even gone wrong, per se. I've just been glum. It's the sort of day where I stare at the sidewalk instead of the trees, where Evaporated runs on repeat in my head. Why is this?

It's probably punishment for my self-indulgent tryst with bad poetry yesterday afternoon. Well, okay, I think I'm developing a pattern here: I'll be doing fine, living and working and being, and then one day the things that should bother me but usually don't suddenly...do. And I get a little worked up about them and I'm actively...well, bothered. Sometimes it goes far enough to make me grouchy and snappish. That's when the ranting blogs come. Sometimes I get all tangy and swollen inside, and part of me wants to leak out because I've got too much feeling for one body. That's when the bad poetry comes.

And then it's the Ben Folds day, I think. It's like I spend a day or two just...down. It never makes me actively depressed, exactly. I don't cry. It's kind of releasing, really, because I just don't care about anything anymore, which is weird, because usually I care far too much. I kind of feel like all the gusto that built up before just oozed out in my sleep, so I haven't got anything left inside to make me give a shit. It makes me mopey and, yes, very self-indulgent--I'm usually not even courteous enough to explain to my poor roommates that this, too, shall pass, that it's only a bad day. I think they've figured out to just leave me alone.

Here I stand, sad and free;
I can't cry, and I can't see
What I've done.
Oh, God, what have I done?

Why do I get like this?

University Police: Crusaders Against Fun!

2007-04-10T04:17:00.000-07:00

So, it's my first all-nighter in a few weeks, and I've just stumbled across Police Beat archives from the Daily Unifarce in my attempts to distract myself from the essay at hand. Here are a few choice morsels:

Arson
March 9: The fire alarm was pulled in May Hall. Someone had ignited a small hand towel on the tile floor of a basement kitchen unit in hopes of setting off the smoke alarm. No one was injured, but there was some damage to the floor.

I love that this is listed as "arson." It almost makes it sound like something bigger than, "Oh, dang, the freshmen were bored again." And I keep wondering what happened to that poor floor...

Disorderly Conduct / Suspicious Activity
March 8: A female student reported a suspicious male in the JSB. The male had seated himself close to the student on a couch. The student felt uncomfortable and moved away from the male, who moved closer to her. An observing student gave the girl a note suggesting she move because he had seen this individual acting in such manner before.

Preface: sexual harassment is not funny. But come on. Isn't this, like, every other guy in a singles' ward? The "note" is what really kills me. Wow. Brilliant, ladies.

Disorderly Conduct / Criminal Mischief
March 25: Several students reported a group of people in a vehicle driving around the Helaman Halls complex throwing balls of cheese at students at random. The offenders were gone when officers arrived.

Is this what they mean when they call this place "BYZoo?" (I've always thought that that term was completely absurd and that it makes the person saying it sound like an idiot, but maybe it's just not part of my vocabulary or something.) ... Balls of cheese? ... Why do they let freshmen have cars, again?

Disorderly Conduct / Criminal Mischief
March 25: A visitor in the Wilkinson Student Center was cited for trespassing and failure to respond to an officer's command to stop.

Wait...huh?

Disorderly Conduct / Criminal Mischief

March 24: Observers reported a suspicious vehicle parked near a playground at Wymount Terrace. Two males watched children play from the vehicle. The vehicle was gone when University Police arrived.

Watch out for those suspicious vehicles. The twirling-the-sinister-mustaches thing totally gives them away. What is this world coming to?

Theft

Every single Police Beat ever: Some dumb coed had a jillion bucks worth of trendy electronics stolen from his/her apartment/car/backpack when it was left unlocked/unattended.

One word: DUH.

Miscellaneous Problems
March 25: There was a noise complaint in Wymount Terrace. A couple was having a loud argument which officers mediated upon arrival.

Now that's embarrassing.

Miscellaneous Problems

March 23: A BYU employee found a sum of money while cleaning the Miller Field and turned it in to University Police.

How is this a problem?

Arson
Feb. 23: A fire was started in the mezzanine in the second level of May Hall, resulting in a hole being burned into the carpet. Police said the fire looked like it had been deliberately started under a smoke detector. The male who reported it said the fire was smoldering and did not fully start before it burned out.

That one's funniest in the context of the first one I posted. Sounds like May Hall's got its own little pyro! Poor kid. Somebody's going to actually catch him soon.

Stalking
Feb. 14-20: A female student reported an incident of stalking. The female met the suspect on the Internet via Facebook and they began an e-mail correspondence. The substance of the e-mails he began to send the victim disturbed her and led her to believe that he was a stalker.

I don't even know what to say about this. Facebook? "Led her to believe?" Nice. Good work, University Police.

Criminal Mischief
Feb. 16: Several male University of Utah students with painted chests were loitering in the lot south of the football stadium. One of the students had his chest painted with red lock U, and on his back, the word "sucks." He was also straddling the cougar statue. University Police investigated and found that the individual astride the cougar had lost a bet and was to sit in cougar stadium for a period of time as penalty while being ridiculed by his friends. The group of students dispersed at the officer's request.

This one just makes me laugh. I'm not really sure why.

Suspicious Activity
Feb. 14: Auxiliary services reported suspicious-looking money found in the BYU Laundry building. A worker received a dollar bill with a picture of Santa Claus glued over George Washington. The worker was also told where he could buy similar money online. The bill was tested to be authentic.

I'm at a loss for words. WATCH OUT!

Criminal mischief
Feb. 14: Three freshmen were apprehended and issued misdemeanor citations after police observed them detonating a dry-ice bomb on the Deseret Towers field.

Poor freshmen! What are they supposed to do all day? This wasn't even near any buildings. I want some dry ice now...

Explosives
Jan. 5: A dry ice bomb was reported sighted between the Wyview laundry mat and creamery. Police arrived on the scene and used an air gun to safely dispose of the bomb. A dry ice bomb consists of a plastic 2L bottle filled with dry ice and water. The gas expands within the bottle causing it to explode resulting in an extremely loud noise and plastic shrapnel. Such bombs are extremely dangerous due to their unpredictable nature of detonation and should not be played with.

I love my life, and the Daily Universe sometimes. Allie: "Why are they teaching people how to make those? That can only cause problems."

Quick update; nothing profound

2007-04-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

Charlotte's okay! Allie and I nursed her back to health. :) Well, okay, she actually probably just got better on her own, but we did dropper-feed her Gatorade like the websites said we should. And we left her completely alone for a couple of days, which I think helped a lot. I just finished disinfecting her cage last night--now everything's smelling great and hamster-diarrhea-free! Hooray!

Life is crazy, as always. This is the last full week of classes, so everything's kind of wrapping up (and/or crashing down, as the case may be). Wish me luck on finals!

Who knew?

2007-04-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

Wet Tail is undoubtedly the most common and one of the most serious diseases of hamsters. It is generally triggered by stress associated with weaning and environmental changes, occurring most frequently in Teddy Bear Hamsters between 3 and 6 weeks of age.

Wet Tail is a bacterial infection or an imbalance of the natural bacteria in the hamster's stomach or intestine. Diarrhea is so severe that the hamster is wet and/or dirty not only around the anus but usually around the top of the tail as well. The diarrhea is accompanied by a strong unpleasant smell. Droppings are pale in color and extremely soft and may contain mucus. The hamster often walks hunched up, is weak and lethargic and may squeal in pain.

Symptoms take 7 days to appear and the disease is often fatal. Treatment is often unrewarding, and death may occur as soon as 48 hours after the onset of initial signs. Though veterinary intervention is advised, treatment is expensive and often--if not usually--proves fruitless. Veterinary care includes fluid and antibiotic injections, but costs average more than $100 per visit.

Studies cite mortality rates between 60 and 90%.

Charlotte! No!

Our New Best Friend!

2007-04-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

My roommate Allie and I have been in mourning for the loss of our friend Charlie the Fish for a couple of months now, and last week we decided it was time to move on. So we went to the store and got ourselves a new best friend! Her name is Charlotte and she is a teddy bear hamster. She's still a baby--we figure she's about six weeks old--and we don't think we've ever seen anything cuter.

She's really pretty friendly, and surprisingly tame. She loves her sparkly pink hamster ball and the corners of her cage (she's got a nest in each one). If you bug her when she's sleepy, she'll fall asleep in your hand (she especially loves long-sleeved shirts--she'll crawl right up and fall asleep next to your wrist). She's grey and white and fluffy and tiny and absolutely adorable.

I'm completely besotted.

And, yes, we know that it's against the apartment complex rules to keep a hamster (well, actually, all the contract says is that "pets may only be kept upon mutual agreement of all the roommates and the apartment management"). However, we thought we'd go by two maxims: "What they don't know can't hurt them," and "It's better to ask forgiveness than permission." (See, I am getting a college education!)

Honestly, how could you say no to a face like that?

April 2007 General Conference: Saturday Afternoon Session (Happy 100th post, too!)

2007-03-31T13:16:00.000-07:00

Boyd K. Packer: The Still, Small Voice/The Tabernacle
- Elijah and the "still, small voice"
- The Nephites and the piercing voice
- Felt, more than heard
- Power in music: "At times, I think it cannot be separated from the voice of the Lord."
- The Adversary will "carefully lead us astray" by any means he can, including evil lyrics
- Every president of the church has been sustained in the tabernacle except Joseph and Brigham
--Doctrine and Covenants revelations added in meetings in the tabernacle
--Pearl of Great Price, Word of Wisdom, Official Declarations, etc. all presented to & approved by the membership of the church in the tabernacle
- The same spirit "now transfers across the street to the magnificent Conference Center" and into our homes
- The tabernacle stands next to the temple as a witness of the restoration

Cool stuff. I wonder if everyone's going to talk about the tabernacle. Kind of makes sense...

Earl C. Tingey: Brigham Young and Gordon B. Hinckley
- Brigham: pioneer ("one who leads/begins"). Led by the authority of his priesthood and constancy of doctrine. Loved the youth & loved Joseph.
--Heber J. Grant: "I was almost as familiar in the homes of Brigham Young as I was in the home of my own mother."
- President Hinckley: "I asked, Brother Brigham, what shall we do? He seemed to say, In my day, we had problems, too. This is your problem. Ask the Lord whose church this is."
--75 temples in the last 12 years
--Conference in 90 languages
--Loves the youth & loves Joseph

Yay Joseph and Brigham and President Hinckley!

H. David Burton: "If These Old Walls Could Talk"
- President Hinckley: "Don't do anything wrong to this building [the tabernacle]."
- Intimidating project (restoration)...compared to the Title of Liberty (hoisted upon every tower)
- Joseph F. Smith presenting his vision on the postmortal world (D&C 138)
- Heber J. Grant establishing the church welfare fund
- Harold B. Lee establishing Family Home Evening
- Bruce R. McConkie's last testimony
- Gordon B. Hinckley reading the Proclamation on the Family

Such cool stories! What an amazing place. I hope they didn't change too much.

Bonnie D. Parkin: "Gratitude"
- "I bear witness that the women of the church do enjoy grand and glorious privileges."
- "Gratitude requires awareness and effort--not just to recognize it, but to express it."
- Murmuring and complaining make it harder for the spirit to teach us.
- Communicating gratitude increases the connection between us and the Lord and makes it easier for us to hear and understand direction from him.
- "Thou shalt thank the Lord in all things"--hard things and good things.
- Gratitude is an expression of faith
- Willingness to turn everything over to the Lord is a huge expression of gratitude.
- "We find in the bitter chill of adversity the true test of gratitude."

"Gratitude is an expression of faith." I love this. I don't know why...it's so simple, and it's something I've "known" for a long time. But it's powerful. I guess it stuck out to me because I've been studying faith lately in the scriptures, especially with my New Testament class. It goes back to that idea that I keep rediscovering lately: every single gospel topic is so intertwined with dozens of others. We separate these concepts and doctrines into label-able packages so that they're easier to understand and teach, but in reality they're all just not-so-separate elements of a larger concept: the character of Christ.

Marlin K. Jensen: "Remember"
- Prophetic calls to "remember" are commands to action
- King Benjamin's sermon--remembering is critical
- What are we to remember?
--The history of the church and its people
---Much of scripture is church history (and, I would add, much of church history is scripture)
---Reminds us that God is with his people
---The First Vision: central to this history. "It never fails to stir my soul to greater action and commitment."
--President Hinckley "emphasizes the past and the future to help us live more righteously in the present."
---Motivates us to greater service, faith, and kindness with tales of members of the past
---"Forget yourself and go to work"
--Temple work is this remembrance in action
--We covenant to always remember the Savior; by doing so we are promised to always have his spirit to be with us, which helps us to remember. ("By woodenly taking the sacrament in righteousness, we are doubly blessed.")

This idea is so central to the gospel. I love his last point, that the spirit helps us remember, which gives us the spirit. Wow. God is doing his very best to help us out. He really does make it so easy for us, in some ways.

James E. Faust: The Tabernacle As It Came to Be
Buildings of the church
- Most early meetings were held outside
- Brigham made plans to erect a "canvas tabernacle" in Nauvoo with a similar setup to the Salt Lake Tabernacle
- Technology today: The Lord makes it possible to meet the needs of the members of the church.

Could they have really made a "canvas tabernacle" that big?

Thomas S. Monson (again?): The Tabernacle
He's sustained 9 presidents of the church!
Rededicate our lives.
Much like other talks: just experiences in the tabernacle.

Allie says that maybe President Hinckley is preparing us for President Monson to take over. I think she's right.

Gordon B. Hinckley
- "The new benches [in the tabernacle] are just as hard as the old ones." Bummer...
- Changes aren't new: just a few days after it was finished, modifications were made. A balcony had to be added.
- "This is a peculiar building--the only one of its kind in the world"
--"Literally a tabernacle built in the wilderness"
- The tabernacle is again the home of the Tabs and the Orchestra at Temple Square
- Dedicatory Prayer!

I love President Hinckley. Please don't ever leave us!

The closing hymn was this amazing arrangement of "The Spirit of God" that started out with a men's trio. Wow. I love that song best when it builds on itself like that--soloist, duet, trio, men, and then everyone. Wow wow.