Faking It

That Sunday Morning Thing

2008-10-13T22:20:00.003-05:00

Sunday School has been renamed. Sunday Club, we are now. Sunday Club! "More hands-on, more outward-focused", read the letter that went out to the parents. I can thank my dear friend, Dana, for the idea. I can, and I do.

Hey, thanks, Dana!

And Sunday Club is off to a roaring start. How did it all come about, you've asked. Well, I'll tell you.

I've written before about my church. The parts I love and the parts I cannot quite embrace. I'm open about my thoughts at church as well -- about the parts I love and the parts I cannot embrace. Seems there are a lot of us, in our little community, who feel quite the same way. And our priest is right there, cheering us on. Cheering and...pushing, just a little. Pushing as in, "Let's revamp Sunday School!" offered over a beer one night. She knew I'd had issues with Sunday School in the past and she knew I'd be an easy sell. I wasn't so sure, but she knew. And here we are.

And how is it going, you've asked, as well. I'll tell you that, too.

The children gather, as they always have at our church, an hour before the regular service. Many parents drop their kids off and use the free hour to go grab a cup of coffee. To sit outside and read the newspaper. To enjoy the down time. Standard procedure has been that parents arrive back at the classrooms to gather their children before the service begins.

This Sunday, parents arrived to find their children up in trees.

We were, of course, caring for the creatures of the earth. Our meditation that morning took us on a mental walk through the woods. We sat in a circle and breathed deeply. We imagined we felt a gentle breeze on our faces. We imagined the deer and birds watching us. We looked for the light inside us and we searched for the Spirit all around us. We didn't have to imagine the feeling of peace that settled over our Sunday Club room as nine children and two adults sat in meditation together.

And then we cared for our world, the world that brings us that peace, by making bird feeders from pine cones and climbing trees to hang them.

Namaste! the children called as a farewell to me as they hopped out of the trees to go meet their parents. It's the way we've been greeting each other and the way we've been leaving each other, these few Sunday mornings, so far.

I'm completely out of my element. I'm feeling completely inadequate and exposed. I'm slightly concerned that I'm not doing things "right".

And I believe I like it.

Color

2008-10-08T09:16:00.002-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Filed Under "I Never Imagined I Would..."

2008-10-05T20:48:00.006-05:00

"I don't know if I can do this," I said.

"Well...okay..." she said.

*pause*

"I mean...." I said.

"Really? You really don't want to?" she said.

"It's not that I don't want to, it's just...I really don't think I'm the right person for the job," I said.

"I think you're the right person," she said.

* pause *

"I can't read from the Bible as if it's fact," I said.

"I wouldn't expect you would," she said.

"I don't know if I can read from the Bible at all," I said.

"No one says you have to," she said.

"If they ask me what I think about God, I'll have to tell them the truth," I said.

"Of course you will," she said, "and that will be just what they need."

* pause*

"We'll probably do more service projects and things to help others in the community more than anything else," I said.

"I'd love that!" she said.

* pause *

"I'd probably start every class with meditation," I said.

"That sounds perfect," she said.

"Some people think meditation is...out there..." I said.

"I don't," she said.

* pause *

"You could do things involving nature and caring for our world. This week you could just do the fall-leaves-ironed-into-wax-paper thing. Talk about loving and appreciating our earth as you do it," she said.

"Yeah...but then I'd have to iron", I said, "and you know I don't iron..."

"That's right...forget the ironing," she said.

*pause*

"What if..." I said.

"It'll be okay," she said.

"I know," I said.

And that is how, as of today, I became a Sunday School teacher.

(Those who know me well may begin laughing now.)

And The World Gets Bigger

2008-10-03T09:00:00.003-05:00

Letters, letters, everywhere. Illuminating her world with a golden glow.

Let's sing the ABCs in a new way, she'll say, and make up her own tune as she L-M-N-O-Ps.

Mama, tell me how to write a G! So I can finish spelling dog! she'll ask. If you can spell cat, you can spell hat, I'll tell her. She puckers into a little frown and then lights up. Hat is like cat! she exclaims. It is spelled H-C-A-T!

Close, sweetheart, close.

I'm watching the world open before my daughter's eyes. Letters come together to form words! And she can nearly figure them out! Look! Letters over there and over there and even over there. Letters on the S-T-O-P sign spell STOP! It means we have to stop! Letters on the outside of her school bus tell her she's in the right place. Letters on postcards let her know her grandparents thought of her on their vacation. Letters in books tell her stories.

She's realizing there is so much out there for her and she can see it now. Still at the edge of that horizon, but she's reaching for it, and getting closer every day.

It's a beautiful, colorful, world for her right now. A world growing bigger and wider every day. A world lit, from every angle, with As and Ts and Cs and Ms. I watch this girl throw herself toward her future with wonder and excitement and all I need to do is point her down the path, cheer from the sidelines, and stand out of the way, in the shadow of her golden light.

I have never felt so privileged to merely stand out of the way.

What I See On A Morning Walk Through My (Very Blue) Neighborhood

2008-10-01T12:01:00.008-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Playing Nice. Waiting For A Challenge?

2008-09-26T10:49:00.005-05:00

Has everyone noticed? Noticed what is not here, in this space. Do you appreciate the restraint I am showing?

It is so tempting to post the video of Katie Couric's interview with Sarah Palin. It is so very tempting to post the portion of the video in which Sarah Palin discusses exactly what she meant by noting that Russia's proximity to Alaska is Palin's "foreign policy experience".

But, no.

It's just too easy. I can't go there. Maybe I'm waiting for something that forces me to actually have to think and process*. (*Unlike Sarah Palin...? Okay, I had to go there, just a little...)

But! Look! I didn't even post a link to that train wreck of an interview. Yay, me. Playing nice. For today.

Back In My Day We All Huddled Around The Radio. As We Walked Through The Snow. Uphill. Both Ways. Barefoot.

2008-09-24T16:02:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Waiting

2008-09-23T08:43:00.005-05:00

I have spent much of my time, the last several days, waiting by the mailbox. I bring the phone with me, just in case the good news will be delivered by phone and not by mail. I suppose I should haul the laptop out there, as well, just in case email is the preferred delivery method. I'm not sure how these things work, never having been through it before.

What am I waiting for?

Why, for my bailout, of course! Didn't you hear? The government! Finally working by the people and for the people! And for those who are struggling to keep food on the table and a roof over their children's heads, there is hope. There is light at the end of a scary tunnel. All of that tax money we've been pouring into Iraq, well, there's more where that came from, it seems, and this time it's going to work for us.

Um...what?

What are you talking about? You're telling me it's not us the government is going to assist, but CEOs who let the padding of their wallets override good decision-making? So...they will keep their giant homes and vacation homes and their children in their fancy private schools? Their bad decision making will be rewarded, while Joe Minimum Wage will continue to struggle?

That can't be.

Or, wait. I guess it can be... Big wigs at big companies don't wear boots, do they? No boots = no bootstraps. So, yes, I see now why they are the ones who need help. I get it now.

Privatization of profits, socialization of risk and loss.

But, okay. Who am I to second-guess these powerful and intelligent people? Who am I to second-guess the decision-makers? I'm no economist. I'm just a woman who wants to keep food on the table and a roof over my children's heads. And I guess I'm free from the wait at the mailbox...more time to go get some boots with big, heavy straps. I'll charge them.

A Serious Discussion

2008-09-15T12:38:00.003-05:00

A friend shared this photo of The Husband and me, from a family wedding this summer:

I have no idea what we were talking about, but it was obviously something extremely important.

"I think there are only 243 bottles of wine left. Drink fast!"

or maybe

"Do you think our children have been abucted by aliens? Because why else aren't they hanging all over us?"

or perhaps

"What do you think of the Bush Doctrine?"

My Country 'Tis Of Thee

2008-09-11T08:40:00.003-05:00

Make no mistake about it. I have been horrified by and ashamed of many of the actions taken by my country in recent years. Of things done and things left undone. I have no respect for our current executive administration. The future I see, if we continue on our current path, makes my blood run cold.

Make no mistake about it. I refuse to live in a world of fear. I refuse to demonize entire ethnic groups or entire religions. I will not raise my children to hate, to judge, to condemn. I will not buy into an "us vs. them" mentality. I will not wave my flag as an "in your face" gesture.

My heart does not take this day to a place of "We'll get you" or "You can't knock us down" or "You're with us or against us" or "Now I will blindly follow". I don't remember today with a "U-rah-rah! Go USA!" I dislike that this day is now called Patriot Day.

But make no mistake about it. I have not forgotten. I have not forgotten the images. The sounds. The confusion. The fear. The slow realization. I have not forgotten anxious phone calls to find dear friends. I have not forgotten holding my pilot husband tight that night. I have not forgotten. I have not forgotten the evil. I have not forgotten the good. I have not forgotten.

A Lunchtime Telephone Conversation

2008-09-09T12:45:00.002-05:00

Husband: Hey!

Me: Hey!

Husband: How's your day?

Me: Fine. Good. I'm tired. How is yours?

Husband: Good. I'm tired too.

Me: Hey, you know it's been your turn on our Scrab...er...Wordscraper game for like 4 days?

Husband: Oh, really? I guess I haven't checked the Facebook in a while.

*pause*

Me: Did you just say "the Facebook"?

Husband: Uh....no?

Me: Because...no. You can't say that.

Husband: Don't blog this.

Whoops.

To Support Or Not To Support. That Is Not The Question, As I See It

2008-09-07T18:05:00.006-05:00

I have become a bit Sarah Palin obsessed.

Those YouTube videos of Palin speaking at her church? Seen 'em. The propaganda video her church put out? Seen it. Reports about the trooper involved in the ethics investigation against Palin? Discussions and debates between those on the political media circuit? Watched 'em all. All. Our television is permanently set to CNN these days -- and has been on approximately 450% more than during a normal week.

It might explain my persistent headache.

But I can sum up my week of schooling myself on this governor from Alaska in these words: of Sarah Palin, I am not a fan.

The lovely e, who is so wise and who writes so beautifully, commented to me as such:

I am a liberal feminist grateful for the likes of Governor Palin. Look, feminism has been strangled by my liberal sisters. Without a few conservative feminists we will never advance an equality agenda. Every woman at the top of the ticket or the head of the boardroom raises all boats. When Maggie Thatcher was PM British women's wages outpaced ours by 3 to 1. If we are to advance civil rights for women, (equal pay is still a myth for middle class women, and the lower middle class suffers a much worse dichotomy), then we need to embrace all kinds of women. So, strangely perhaps, I welcome her little creation loving, tax cutting, anti-choice self to the conversation...

E's words caused me to pause and think. Do I owe it to womankind to support any woman attempting to join that ol' boys' club? Do I need to support a woman, even in the abstract, because she is a woman? Do I need to look at this long-term?

Hmm.

For as much as I want to see that glass ceiling shatter into pieces, I cannot agree that any woman in any position of power is a good thing across the board. In my view, to support a woman simply because she is a woman, actually hurts "the cause". It encourages lines to be drawn, encourages the idea of "us" and "them". To support a woman, even in the abstract, because she is a woman, keeps the focus on gender, when taking that spotlight away is what we all want to see, is it not?

I don't support Sarah Palin simply because she is a woman any more than I would expect a black man to support Barack Obama simply because he is a black man.

Sarah Palin is not and never will be Hillary Clinton. She is not Barbara Boxer. But even on the conservative side of the coin, she is also not Condoleezza Rice, Sandra Day O'Connor nor Christine Todd Whitman. There are many brilliant women, brilliant conservative women, I would have supported, in the abstract, on John McCain's ticket. Women with whom I disagree on many issues, but I for whom I have respect. After Sarah Palin's speech at the Republican National Convention, I was left without even an underlying respect or begrudging admiration.

It's not her politics, though they do frighten me.

It's not whether a mother of five should take on this job. That is a decision for Sarah Palin and her husband to make and no one else gets a say in the matter.

It is definitely not that I do not welcome a conservative woman to the conversation.

It is that this particular woman has shut down conversation. She belittled good work done by a good man, she sneered at hope and mocked a hand reaching out to help. Rather than using her position to inspire and energize, she used it to demean and to demonize. She put someone else down, to pull herself up. Now she is being "shielded" by the McCain camp.

I tuned in to watch Sarah Palin speak last Wednesday night, precisely because I was interested in conversation, but Sarah Palin left no room for conversation. I cannot and do not respect that in a person. Any person. Man or woman. And yet another president (or potential president) I do not respect is not something I can easily swallow. Not even for the sake of watching that ceiling come crashing down.

Any Explanations?

2008-09-04T13:20:00.001-05:00

So.

If Joe Biden had given the speech Sarah Palin gave last night, he would have been labeled a bully.

If Hillary Clinton had given that speech, she would have been a cold witch.

But sarcastic and snarky and stretching the facts gets labeled "fresh" and "energizing" on Sarah Palin.

Huh.

Interesting.

Discuss.

(And for a breakdown of the facts presented by Sarah Palin as compared to, uh, actual facts, check 'em out here.)

And They're Off

2008-09-03T09:21:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Public Service Announcement

2008-08-29T20:10:00.007-05:00

For your information.

Cosmos:

Ragweed:

If one is going to water and tend to a plant, one might want to make sure that said plant is not of the variety that causes one's husband to sneeze nonstop from morning til night. If said plant is of the make-one's-husband sneeze variety, one might also not want to allow such plant to grow to the height of four feet and to start to bloom. Just outside the front door of one's home.

(One's husband wishes one had read this type of PSA elsewhere some time ago.)

Moved To Tears

2008-08-28T14:15:00.007-05:00

Did you see it? Did you watch history unfold?

We gathered, the five of us that make up our little family, around a tiny television and watched. Bill and I were silent, the kids...were not. But we tried to impose upon them the importance of the moment.

This! This is how democracy works! We told them.

See, every state gets to say who they want to vote for as the person to run for president. And now it's New Mexico's turn to vote. But, it's very important to be respectful when they do this. It's very important to honor everyone. It's important to let people know how valuable they are. You know this woman, right?

Hillary! My kids chimed in.

(Of course they know Hillary. And Bill. These are my kids.)

Yes, that's Hillary. And you know she was very close to getting this nomination. She has done important work for our country and it's very important to show our appreciation and to be respectful of her. It's important to honor her. So, it's New Mexico's turn to cast their votes for the nominee. But if they do, Barack Obama will win it right now and that's not how the convention people want it to go. They want to be respectful of Hillary and to honor her. So watch what happens...

New Mexico, of course, yielded the floor to The Great State of Illinois.

Illinois, in turn, yielded to The Great State of New York. And then Hillary herself nominated Barack.

It was, truly, a magical moment.

We have been supporters of Obama all along. Because we believe in him. But as we watched the nomination yesterday, it struck us. The first time a major party nominated a black man. It was done in the presence of men and women who grew up in the shadows of segregation. And now our children might never know a world where ethnicity or race or gender is a barrier. Perhaps their children will know a world where ethnicity or race or gender isn't even in the conversation. Imagine. I couldn't stop the tears from filling my eyes and rolling down my face.

Democrat, Republican, Independent, Sick of it All. We did this together.

Support Obama or not. We did this together.

America. We did this together.

Though it will get ugly in the next few months, I am sure, this moment was as elegant and as respectful and as hopeful as they get. I. am. so. proud. of this moment. So proud.

Why do people even care about the color of someone's skin at all? Aidan asked, as we watched.

Well...I don't know, to tell you the truth, I answered.

It's kind of...dumb, to care about that, he said, and then looked at me quickly to gauge my reaction.

Because "dumb" is the D word at our house. We don't use it, and we don't call other people "dumb".

It is dumb, I agreed.

And I smiled through tears as we in our little kitchen watched the celebration.

State Fair

2008-08-27T11:25:00.000-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Electricity In The Air

2008-08-25T10:35:00.005-05:00

People? It's convention time!

Whee!

During the 2004 Democratic National Convention, I remember having CNN on as I cleaned the kitchen after dinner as I waited for Barack Obama to take the stage. I knew just enough about him to know I'd want to hear what he had to say. I hadn't been prepared to be completely blown away -- the election was already bitter, and politics as usual was in full swing -- but, blown away I was. I stood, watching and listening to this man. I got goosebumps. I could feel the electricity in the air, at the convention site, hundreds of miles from where I stood in my little kitchen. Obama spoke of unity. Of courage. Of hope. I called Bill in to watch, too, and after a minute, we called our kids in. Listen to him, we said. Listen to this man speak. This man will be our president someday.

Today, CNN has been on all day. I already feel the electricity. I can hardly wait to hear Michelle Obama speak. I can hardly wait for speeches calling for unity. For courage. Speeches reminding us that in the unlikely story that is America there has never been anything false about hope.

Change, change, change, change, change. Democrats, Independents and Republicans who are tired of the division and distraction that has clouded Washington. Yes we can!

You May Kiss The Bride

2008-08-20T09:35:00.006-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Keith Olbermann, Will You Marry Me?

2008-08-15T12:36:00.001-05:00

In The Canoe

2008-08-13T10:20:00.002-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Where I've Been

2008-08-11T14:14:00.004-05:00

So, there was this girl with a blog who went into a bar...

and didn't emerge for three weeks?

Okay, I haven't exactly been hiding out in bars, though there has been plenty of this:

in my last few weeks. But, no. I haven't been too busy bar hopping. What have I been up to? There has been a little of this:

a bit of this:

and a lot of obsessively listening to this:

(I dare you to listen to Peachy and not get up and dance around. It's not that the lyrics have particular meaning to me -- it's her voice, the music, the whole sound. Love it.)

Oh, and hey, I met Laura Ingalls! Or, at least television's Laura Ingalls. Life is complete:

The photos, of course, don't tell the whole story. They don't reveal the anxiety that has settled into a worried pit in my stomach or the Tylenol PM I've had to take to sleep at night. Yes, we've seen better weeks around our house. Much better weeks. Do I have a story for you...alas, it's one that cannot be told here. But it's all just finances, business, stuff that can and will and is being worked out. We're all healthy, and all still loving each other, and these photos, while not telling the whole story, do remind me to keep my focus where it should be.

On a cold margarita.

Life is good. Even when it's not, life is good.

In Which I Wonder About Things

2008-08-09T12:45:00.008-05:00

So, do all men cheat? I asked my husband as I read the news headlines on MSN, yesterday.

There was a pause.

Honestly...I don't know, he answered. I mean, no, all men don't cheat. But...I know what you're saying and...I don't know.

Just so you know, I looked him in the eye, I would not be happy if you did this.

Just so you know, he looked back at me, I never would.

And I know, though we have our Oh-my-god-I-can't-even-stand-to-be-around-you-right-now rough patches, as any married couple does, that trust is not an issue for us. But, oh. The power that we people have, the power we wield, simply through our words and actions, is incredible. We have the power to create life Yes, let's have another baby! and the power to change a life Let me love you and the power to cause such great pain Can you forgive me? so as to alter the course of a life, forever. The idea that we all, each of us, have such power, and that we are all, each of us, so vulnerable to the actions of one another, is enough, at times, to bring me to my knees.

Button, Button, Get Your Button!

2008-07-26T14:53:00.003-05:00

Get your free Obama button here!

(Unless you see me in person often. I just ordered 45 of them, so you might want to just ask me for one...)

All Moments Are Key Moments

2008-07-23T15:25:00.000-05:00

Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and the pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace.

- Frederick Buechner

My not-so-Wordless Wednesday