Dadaisms

We're Sorry For You

2009-08-11T12:13:00.001-07:00

Dear angry guy on the US Air flight from Phoenix to Boston,

We're sorry that you didn't enjoy all that is domestic air travel. Although the five year old boy and his grandparents seated behind you were the model of exemplary behavior, we regret that you were forced to endure an entire stanza of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". Your cursing, muttering, rubbing of your temples, and pulling of your hair is understandable under these most trying of circumstances. The next time you choose to fly US Air, may we suggest something besides seething to help pass the time? If you are not afflicted by illiteracy, our Airbus A320 safety brochure, the ever-intruiging SkyMall catalogue, or the directions on an airsickness bag provide a much needed distraction from the human beings seated around you. Please use the enclosed drink coupons on your next travel from your mother's basement to the nearest Dungeons and Dragons convention. Thank you for choosing not to have your own children.
Sincerely,
US Air Customer Experience Management

You Are Now Returned To Your Regularly Scheduled Programming

2009-08-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

This is a test. This is only a test. In the event of a real nap, both children would have actually been sleeping, and in their own beds.

Burnin' For You

2008-03-14T19:55:00.005-07:00

I had an almost-really-bad-day the other day. Flying along, all systems hunky dory, and then, an engine fire warning light. In an emergency, my normal response is to take one second before doing anything to gather my thoughts and take a deep breath. During that one second the other day, the first thought that I did gather was, "Oh, shizzo."

Being on fire is bad. Being a thousand feet above the ground and on fire is worse. After some quick checks though our problem was diagnosed as just a malfunctioning light, not a flaming engine.

In case of emergencies requiring a smiling baby, I keep pictures of The Lady with me when I'm flying. I have this collage of her on the back of my kneeboard. Although the "family pictures in the cockpit" sentiment was inspired by Cougar in Top Gun, I don't think I'll ever need the assistance of Tom Cruise to land the aircraft.

Her Father's Daughter

2008-03-13T21:36:00.003-07:00

From Tucson pediatrician, Dr. Heins: "Unlike thumb-sucking, nose-picking requires a fair amount of hand coordination to be successful, so repetitive nose-picking is not seen much before age four or five." According to the good doctor, The Lady is quite developmentally advanced. I always knew she would be able to dig one out early.

Mmmm...Change.

2008-03-04T20:48:00.003-07:00

Dark and satisfying with a deliciously sweet center.

My Kid Sounds Like...

2008-03-02T21:30:00.000-07:00

The Lady is really into yelling. The kind of yelling that forces you to close your eyes and pray that the damage to your tympanic membrane won't leave you bumbling around a Walgreens looking for a sale on hearing aids.

Doctor Smart tells us these "expressions" are just another precursor to real speech. So far her attempts at subject-predicate-object construction vaguely resemble somebody trying to pull off a Bill Cosby.

Sam Kinison and my daughter both sound like this when they want more chicken fingers. Actually I think Sam made that noise when he wanted more coke. At the end of her dinner, she usually wraps up with a Howard Dean-like "Yeaaaaaaawwwwwh!" His behavior cost him the Democratic nomination. Her behavior cost her two animal cookies.

"I want to pull the cat's tail and you can't stop me!"
--The Lady, 2008

This is pretty much exactly what she sounds like. I had no idea that yelling contests are also conducted outside of our household. Thankfully I sound nothing like that kid's dad.

Thanks, Global Climate Change!

2008-02-28T14:44:00.012-07:00

This is why we live in Phoenix and not Weymouth.

It's February and we put The Lady in the pool for the first time. Ok, we put her feet in because the water is only 65 degrees. Five seconds after this picture

was taken she fell into the water, but was surprisingly happy about it.

Note that The MaMa is just outside this frame because we are fanatics about her around the pool. I was shocked to find out that not all parents are vigilant about kids and water. I knew a guy that freely admitted that he and his wife regularly left their infant child alone in the bathtub, "but only for a few seconds." Seriously? This is one way to get the point across.

The First Happy Snap

2008-02-27T12:12:00.003-07:00

Robyn bought a new camera and, wow, is it ~~incredible~~ incredibly complicated. I did convince her to allow me to take it into the backyard and try my hand at capturing all that is The Lady. I took about fifty shots, and this one was by far the best. I think the b&w version adds a little mellowness to her contemplative look. I seem to have, inadvertently, met some of the elements of photographing kids. Certainly more to come.

"You want me to fetch what? When? Say again?"

2008-02-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, for the first time ever, we flew with a search and rescue dog in the back of the helicopter. Her partner didn't have any hearing protection for her, but these people make some dog-headwear that will do more than just humiliate your pooch.

Some people put these on their cats? I couldn't even get ours to tolerate a leash.

Your Sunday Funny

2008-02-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

Soooo true, Mr. New Yorker cartoonist. Made even funnier because I am working today. Not "working" like this, but working like this.

We Still Need Another 1.5 Kids

2008-02-23T20:32:00.004-07:00

A graphical representation of my life. I thought we had a lot of cats until I learned that we are only 1.8 cats above average. But we are way above average on poop and hairball production. Cats and kid share poop production. Cats are sole producers of hairballs (thus far).

Your Sunday Funny

2007-05-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

2007-05-26T10:52:00.001-07:00

We're always on the lookout for a new cat gadget. Four cats equals lots of cat hair. Combs, brushes, de-tanglers, grooming mitts, scrapers-- all of them are no match for the FURminator®. I spent almost an hour brushing the felines and was reqarded with these prodigious piles of pelage. The actual tool is an expensive little bugger: $35 (PetSmart) for the cat sized version. You'll fork over nearly $60 for the poochy model. Best prices are available on eBay. It comes with a 30-day satisfaction guarantee. Don't worry, you'll love it. And your mousers will thank you.

Happy Mother's Day!

2007-05-13T14:56:00.000-07:00

To my mother, my mother-in-law, and the mother of our daughter, thank you for being such great examples to your children. Enjoy your day!

And He Lives In A Van Down By The River

2007-05-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of hanging out with this former POW over the past few weeks. Really nice guy, good pilot, and chock full of pretty amazing (race) stories. This farmer claims to have shot the golden bb that possibly brought down the Apache (pictured in background).

Your Sunday Funny

2007-05-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

And the gunship uses less gas than a Hummer.

F-14 V. Japanese Zero

2007-05-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

The USS HARRY S. TRUMAN entering a time warp, just like the NIMITZ.

U.S. Navy photo.

Glasnost

2007-05-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

Happy International Workers' Day. Please to enjoy your local parade of military might. I've always wondered why the US never celebrated May Day by driving tanks and missiles through the streets like the Soviets. I guess an airshow is about the closest show of force we can conjure up. If you're reading this at work, get back to laboring, peasant.

Living Off Bark And Elephant Dung

2007-04-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

I really like the new Discovery channel show Man vs. Wild. The host is a former British SAS operator turned outdoor-crazy-survival-guy. And his name is Bear, so he has to be tough. The show is pretty amazing and his limey accent gives the program an unmistakable air of credibility. Plus he writes a blogspot blog, so he is definitely cool.

Your Sunday Funny

2007-04-29T07:21:00.000-07:00

The End Is Near

2007-04-27T09:26:00.000-07:00

The "new" Juice, Barry Bonds, is going to be the all-time king this season. Tragic. I think MLB is in a quandary about how to commemorate the occasion. Issues that the Commish might be considering as he tries to boost ticket sales:

1. What if he breaks it on the road? He'll be booed mercilessly. Good.
2. Hank Aaron has already stated that he will not attend any event surrounding the record breaking. What would it take to get him into the parks as the inevitable day approaches?
3. What happens to the record and Bonds' impending Hall of Fame induction when proof surfaces that he was ingesting massive amounts of human growth hormone?
4. MLB needs Bonds more than Bonds needs MLB.
5. Some mega-record holders like Ripken are class acts. Bonds is a jackass. Who will pay Bonds to endorse anything short of a Girls Gone Wild video?

This Yahoo! page appeared when he surpassed Ruth last summer. Truly, an omen.

Lightheaded

2007-04-27T08:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I flew a sim with the NVG HUD system. The system is fairly primitive in that it is essentially a bolt-on addition to the already heavy ANVIS-6 night vision goggles. There is plenty of symbology to display on the eyepiece; too much, in my opinion. And the information scheme doesn't really match the analog cockpit layout so I couldn't figure out where the "important" numbers were. I prefer to just look under the goggles at my trusty ol' steam gauges. Plus I save myself the extra 1.5 pounds pulling down on my head.

Feet Dry

2007-04-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I've officially changed airframes. Seahawk driver is now a Blackhawk driver. Check ride complete, somewhat anticlimactically. My career goals in this aircraft are to complete a flight with four external tanks loaded and strap on a pair of skis. Living in Arizona, I think the skis might take awhile.

Bird's Eye View

2007-04-24T14:51:00.000-07:00

The other day I flew right over the tornadic aftermath in Enterprise, Alabama. Later in the week I drove through a neighborhood in the same area. The destruction is unbelievable. It looks as though bulldozers just pushed everything flat. The high school where eight students were killed looks like a bomb exploded on the campus. Blue tarps serving as temporary roofs dot the landscape for miles. Makes me glad to live in a disaster-free state.

Zowns!

2007-04-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

Holy crap. I was attempting to study the intricacies of the Blackhawk hydraulic leak detection and isolation system while the BOS-NYY game droned in the background. But then...Manny hammers one into the streets outside Fenway and the next three batters follow suit. Four home runs in a row. Nothing like The Nation taking it to The Evil Empire.