Always Smiling

Intelligence for Your Life

2008-12-28T15:00:00.014-05:00

This Christmas I read John Tesh's Intelligence for Your Life. It's based off of his radio show that I catch snipits of on my drive home from work. It was a quick read and had many thought provoking messages, at least for me. Here are the ones that struck me in my current life... and if you read the book you'll get the whole concept a little better. ;) Hope you enjoy!
* Helen Keller said it best: "Many people have a wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification, but through fidelity to a worthy purpose"

* Proverbs 19:21: "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."

* However, I will say that living a life of purpose takes work, and it takes support. If you are surrounded right now with people who are not aligned with your new mission in life, it will be difficult. Part of living with purpose is learning to act immediately on the encouraging tug of your conscience.

* Living with a purpose, living intelligently, is a matter of vision. Like a football quarterback, when purpose-driven people look at the playing field, they don't see line markers and grass; they see opportunities for scoring touchdowns. When they see an opening, they call the appropriate play. They are active, not passive. They see the big picture, but instead of being intimidated they embrase the opportunity to make a difference.

* Our most perishable resource is time, but we spend it on things not at all worth of that time.

* Money can buy sustained happiness if used in one distinct way: to purchase experiences. It's the experiences -- the memories -- that give lasting happiness, not the fanciness of the experiences.

* When it comes to adults, our circle of friends has decreased by a third over the past 19 years, according to Health magazine. And it's not just that we're lacking dinner dates. We also have fewer people to turn to when we're sad, stressed, or otherwise in a crisis. And this means we miss the health benefits of having a strong social network -- which can do everything from boost your immune system to protect you from heart disease, cancer, depression, and anxiety. (Always thankful for the friends I've been blessed with :) )

* Remember, forgiving doesn't mean condoning what happened.

* Don't wait for an apology. It's not really about getting the other person to change; it's about letting go. The bottom line is that we can't change the past, but letting go of old hurts will make for a happier and healthier future.

* On what it takes to live to be 100 ...
... Resilience -- keeping your spirits up, getting through hard times with a positive attitude, not letting illness or the passing of friends drag you down. To be resilient you need to believe that life still has a lot to offer. You need to believe God's promise: "'I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"

* Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows it's true colors.(James 1:2)

* Open your eyes that you may see wonderful things. Open your eyes to the certainty that opportunity and greatness are waiting for you right now. Open your eyes to the guarantee that God will place the opportunity in your path.

* My worst feer was the fear of how I would feel if I made a mistake. (I liked this one because I think anxiety doesn't come from unforeseen actions, but that it comes from the fear that we don't know how we'll react, how we'll feel, how we will choose to deal with those feelings.)

* Ladies, be encouraged. Do not be afraid to challenge your man to get right with God. Men, don't be afraid to take the hand of a powerful woman. It can lead you to riches you never imagined.

* Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. (Proverbs 4:23)
* I have also learned that sometimes it's not enough just to guard your heart. You must fill it up to make it less vulnerable. Fill it will positive influences. Approach it the way you would a good diet plan. Most experts agree that if you let yourself became famished, you will reach for the first thing in front of you. (Not that I'm referring to several of my exs who grabbed the first pretty woman they saw to fill their heart's emptiness... no not at all. Ha. But I think hearts can also be filled with other positive things... finding what truly makes you happy, your desires, your favorite hobby, volunteering -- not just filled by people. Best to fill it up with small things first before you make yourself vulnerable to someone whose feelings you have no control over.)
* Fill your heart with positive influences. A famished heart is vulnerable enough to fall victim to the world's most tempting vending machine.
* It's your responsibility to protect yourself from those people and things that would be destructive to your heart and prevent you from living an abundant life.

* God made you for joy, not so you could bear the weight of the world. (God died so we would not have to suffer enternally. I think this goes for here on Earth too. At least for me ... if I feel guilty about anything, I tend to punish myself continually -- mentally and physically. Yet, God already paid the price of sin. He wants me to enjoy the life He gave me. I do not have to bear the weight of my sins. I just need to ask for forgiveness, and He'll lift this weight off of my heart.)

* Focus on what's happening now. The past is over. When you're nostalgic, you're dwelling on what you don't have anymore. And if you're too focused on the future, then you want what you don't have. The only way to be truly happy is to relish what you do have, what you can do, and who are are right now.

* ... God wants nothing more from us and for us than love. If we pray without ceasing, read God's Word, and stay connected with him all throughout the day, then we can't help but behave lovingly. and when we behave lovingly, people want to hang out with us.

* "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith developes perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4).

Well, this was a long post, but I tried to section it off so you could jump around reading it. The book enlightened me, and was great to read at the end of what's been a trialing month.

Love,
Sarah

Too many updates.

2008-08-07T21:42:00.003-04:00

Yup... once again I'm here to state the obvious: it's been too long since I've updated. On a good note though, that means I've been super busy. I've had quite the eventful summer and I hope to write about some of the adventures in the next couple of days... however, I have a penn stater visiting shortly --Kristin Clark! :) -- so I have to make this posting short. I have become a hotel of sorts of people traveling across the country. Yay for living on I-80! :) I'm just glad people remember I live in Omaha!

I've been loving Omaha the past couple of months. I started moving forward in life back in April and haven't looked back since. Doing things that truly make me happy and I'm loving it.

Biggest news is that I bought a house!!! (Separate post for that one is needed).

I've been having terrible head problems lately ... 3 weeks of on and off pain and basically non-stop pain for the past 6 days. I've gotten a cat scan, an MRI, 800mg motrin, tylenol with codeine, and currently vicodin to try to relieve the pain and figure out what's going on. They found a little white spot in my head on the cat scan and MRI but they don't think it's serious and aren't quite sure what it is either. I have a follow up appointment on August 18th with a neurologist and hopefully they'll have some better answers. My head has felt much better today which is absolutely great! Hopefully it'll stay that way.

Work has been amazing now that I've switched departments and am on the Innovation team. I love what I'm doing now and get to work with some awesome people and some awesome bosses. Definitely makes a difference when you have a great team.

I did a triathlon back in June which was so hard without having run since October! I had fun though and my good friend Kelly from work came to cheer me on. She comes to most of my races and I really appreciate it! I also did a few cycling races in Nebraska. It was super fun to race again and I managed a 3rd place at the Nebraska State Criterium! Averaged nearly 23mph for 45 minute race with the majority of the race time trialing it. I enjoyed my couple of races this summer but I still like not having the pressures of performing. So while I'm not racing to my potential ... I still have fun with what I'm doing. I like to say I workout and not train ... as I just do what I feel like each day and I don't freak out if I miss a day of exercise... or half a week. Hehe.

I've seen my family a ton this summer, which has been amazing!! I was home for a week at the end of May and got to celebrate my 25th birthday with my parents. My mom came up at the beginning of June to watch me race in the state crit. I also saw my parents over 4th of July when I went down to Junction City, KS to visit my Grandpa and watch my Dad race in the annual 10K run in JC. Unfortunately I saw my parents just 2 weeks later for my Grandpa's funeral. :( He had surgery to remove an aneurysm in his aortic vein. The surgery went okay but he passed away a few days later from a bladder infection. Sad sad sad day ... and I'm still praying for my Dad as he just lost his Mom in December. They were a loving couple and I keep their picture above my computer to remind me of how great my family is.

So that's a bit of a summary of my summer and I hope to write more soon. Oh! and my brother has a website you should check out www.ryanbickerstaff.com It follows his Olympic triathlon pursuit so check it out.

Make it a great day!

Sarah

Looking above for happiness

2008-04-15T23:03:00.003-04:00

It's been waaaay too long since I've updated my blog. I feel like so much has happened... yet not really. Ha. A couple weeks ago I woke up and re-evaluated what I was doing in my life right now and I wasn't too happy with myself... so I took a stanz to change it and trust God that He will lead me in the right way. I can't even express how joyful I've been inside. It's been a tough couple of weeks staying strong and the past year since I've moved to Omaha hasn't been anything close to easy. I think I've grown so much since I graduated from Penn State last May. I feel like I know more of what I want and need in this life we have been given here on Earth. And I'm excited to start living my life towards it. :)

I did a cycling race this past Sunday in Lincoln and was very proud of myself. I was in a break away with 2 other girls who were on the same team and they constantly attacked me! It was incredibly hard to stay up with them, but the race also gave me confidence in what type of shape I'm in. The past 7 weeks have been a bit of an athletic struggle so I wasn't sure how I'd do. As mentioned above, a lot of stuff has happened recently which led to some stomach problems which leads to me losing weight and not having enough energy to even workout. I had to be pretty careful to not over do it, but I feel like I'm slowly getting better. Gee ... I wonder what it'd be like with a normal immune system.

I'm leaving tomorrow with my good friend Jen for Penn State! I'm super excited to see all my old college friends again!! I definitely miss the Pennsylvania scenery and I'm praying for safe travels. Please pray too. :)

More happy thoughts: Gavin Degraw + Oxygen concert on April 23rd, triathlon in June, a week more of vacation, warm weather, getting back into guitar, ConAgra softball, new episodes of The Office, and always ... good smiles from friends.

Love,
Sarah

'NSync ... one decade ago

2008-03-06T00:10:00.002-05:00

Tonight I thought I'd increase my history knowledge by watching an hour documentary about the great influenza of 1918... uhh.. BAD IDEA! ... It was so depressing. I hate going to bed in a sad mood so I was trying to figure out what would make me smile.

I decided to take a journey back to 8th grade... 10 whole years ago. Over Christmas I had taken a bunch of old VHS tapes from home to have here in my apt. One of them is the infamous 'NSync video. I swear I almost cried when I got it for Christmas ... I mean, what teenage girl wasn't obsessed with the group?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq4trMQjDqs

Anyways, at the end of the VHS they show a couple songs from the Disney special they had done in 1998. I put a bittersweet smile on my face because I knew exactly where I had first seen it. The hour Disney special was on the Disney channel in July 1998 but my family didn't get that channel so my mom had asked a co-worker to tape it. However, I was out of town that weekend at my Grandma and Grandpa's house in Kansas and THEY had the Disney channel. :) So, I remember forcing my Grandma to watch the pop music and dance moves with me for the whole hour, all the while explaining how I was going to marry Justin Timberlake and how awesome the group was. Put a little tear to my eye ... miss you Grandma.

The VHS tape sure made me laugh though...

Happy Face,
Sarah :)

Trek up the Tower -- RESULTS!

2008-02-26T23:13:00.002-05:00

The race on Saturday went awesome!!!! (I'll post photos once my parents send them to me :) )

The morning sort of started off bad as my Dad had one of his heart "episodes". Basically if he warms up and raises his heart rate just a little bit and then stops too soon he'll pass out. First time it happened was nearly 8 years ago and he got medicine for it... his blood pressure just drops down to like 60/40 so the medicine is to raise his already super low blood pressure. But he refuses to take his medicine because he says "it doesn't cure the problem, it just masks it". Not the smartest thing to think, Dad. Anyways, he was standing beside me and said "oh no" and my Mom thought he had forgotten something at the apt but I realized what was about to happen because he gets this glazed look on his face. I tried to catch him the best I could but I was in front of him and not behind him when he collapsed. He hit his head on the tile but not very hard as I got most of his weight on me. Usually he'll just pass out though, and this time it was like he was having a seizure. I remained calm because I knew what was going on but it was pretty freaky and made a lot of people pretty worried and scared. His eyes were like wide open and he was practically convulsing and was breathing extremely heavy and turning his head slowly from side to side. Made quite the scene. He came to about 10 seconds later and convinced the medical folk to let him race. He still did awesome and finished in 7:02. I kinda got mad at him though as he doesn't quite realize that even though he doesn't want to take his medicine, he's worrying the rest of us who care about him.

I had no idea what to expect of the 40 floors and my dad started right behind me. I saw him catching up to me at about floor 7 and was like "oh great, this can't happen" haha. Around floor 10 I thought i was going to die and at that point everyone is just kinda walking. I was getting terribly dizzy because you can barely breathe but I made it up in 6:34 (according to my watch... but i had started my watch a few seconds before i went off the start line). I knew last year's winning woman's time was 6:48 so I was pretty happy. But then again last year there were 500 people and this year 750, so I figured a lot more talented people showed up. Plus, I get pretty intimidated by all the super skinny girls and with muscles all over the place. I swear I don't have a visible muscle on me... I think it's all hidden. Ha.

Anyways, they posted the early results and they had 1st and 2nd tied at 6:28, but my name wasn't up yet. Finally half an hour later they updated the results and listed me as 6:27!!!! I was so freakin happy! I was like jumping up and down. haha. Mainly because I wasn't expecting to do that well as I haven't run since October, have been sick, etc. So I got $100 for winning and actually ended up 44th out of all 682 people! http://www.onlineraceresults.com/event/view_event.php?event_id=2364yay!!!!!!!

This race also gave me motivation for my potential in racing. I know I have so much freakin drive in me to do well, it's just a matter of focusing on it again. I signed up for the Pigman Tri and in a couple weeks once it gets a little warmer out I'll start running and swimming again. I miss being able to train with people though... so maybe I'll find a good cycling group to ride with.

The rest of the day I drove my parents around town to get us out of the apartment. We went to dinner at the Passport Restaurant downtown and it was delicious!! Then we headed over to the Phantom of the Opera which was pretty amazing. I like going to those types of things where I'm just in awe of people's talent. Made for a super long day though. We got up at 6am for the race and the show didn't end until 11pm. My parents went to church with me Sunday morning and then headed home from there. It was a nice visit, but as always, went by too fast. They brought up some of my Grandma's cooking stuff so now I have a cookbook from 1945 and a waffle iron! (It's nice to have things around that will remind me of Grandma.)

All day Sunday I just relaxed and cleaned. Today I finally worked out again and rode my bike 28 miles on the trainer -- nice and easy. I need to get back on some sort of schedule. My mind has been anywhere and everywhere lately, though, so hopefully that will change soon and I can focus on my true passions.

Work has been crappy this week ... Just because I'm kind of in a stalled stage and need to do online training -- i.e. staring at powerpoint presentations all day. Not so much fun. I'm looking forward to the weekend but don't have any plans yet. It's supposed to be 55 degrees though!!! So maybe I'll head outside to ride my bicycle.

Cheers,
Sarah :)

Is it spring yet?

2008-02-20T16:48:00.002-05:00

Today on my walk to work the windchill was -25 degrees. Yes, negative with an actual temp of like -5. This means it's cold outside. I want some warm weather and am anxiously awaiting for March to get here. I also am super excited to get spring storms again ... yay for Tornado Alley! I miss all the lightning shows in the sky! :)

Life has been GOOD lately and I'm super excited for a lot of things coming up! My parents are getting here Friday for a short visit. My Dad and I are doing the Trek up the Tower (see a couple posts ago ...). I've been sick for the past week with a lot of congestion but it's clearing up and I want it to be a fair race between my Dad and I. It's gonna be pretty cool ... and my asthma is gonna be suffering. ha. We're also taking my Mom out for a birthday dinner at a yet to be determined super nice restaurant downtown and then going to Phantom of the Opera!

After that it'll be a week away from being March. In March I plan on running again. Slowly getting back into it. It will give me 3 months to get into running shape for the Pigman Tri in Iowa on June 1st. It will be my first triathlon in 3 years!!! I want to win it and am hoping I can train smart enough to do that. But I'm also trying not to have too high of an expectation for myself. ha.

Jen and I are going to Penn State for Blue & White weekend in mid-April. Absolutely THRILLED to be going back and seeing a ton of my friends from college. Penn State is beautiful as well and I miss those mountains!! I don't think I'll be able to ride while I'm there which is a bummer ... but maybe. :) After that trip, I'll still have 6.5 days of vacation left that I'll need to use up by June 1st. Haven't figured out if I want to go on a lil trip or just visit my parents in Oklahoma.

Guess I haven't updated in awhile... I'll do better! :)
Smile,
Sarah

Follow your heart or mind.

2008-02-06T00:32:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately, which for me is usually never a good thing. Therefore, I've been trying to occupy my mind with listening to hours on end of music each night and working on my new rug. My hand is killing me from working on it so much, but it's going to look really nice when it's completed.

The past week has just been hard for me and I don't always deal with it in the best ways. But, the past 2 days have been a lot better. Sometimes I just get into these moods where I don't know what I'm doing with my life and if I'm doing any good at all. It's frustrating. We never know if we're doing the 'right' thing, so I guess we just have to follow our heart. My friend Tracey was telling me about this book where it talks about listening to your heart, otherwise your heart will become restless and stop talking to you if you don't take the time to listen to it. I think I have trouble with this at times because my mind is telling me one thing and my heart/soul is leading me elsewhere -- inner turmoil at its finest.

Anyways, I found a good friend quote today ...
"A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."- Arabian Proverb

Trying to sleep...
Sarah

Vulnerable

2008-01-31T22:03:00.000-05:00

Share with others how important they are to you.
Relationships are built on mutual appreciation, and there is no better way to show that appreciation than to tell someone how much you care.

Researchers at the University of Houston have studied the question of why we don't tell people how important they are to us. One area they studied was reaction to sad events like funerals.
One subject, Bill, lost a close family member recently. Some of Bill's friends sent sympathy cards, some sent flowers, some sent notes, some told him they were there for him. And some did nothing.
Why did some of his friends not say anything?
Perhaps they thought that telling others we care means being vulnerable. For these people, relationships may be more of a competition than a celebration, and competitions are premised on strength, power, and position.
Researchers caution that we don't win AT relationships, we win by HAVING relationships.

Research on unemployed adults has found that the length of unemployment was less important to a person's self-esteem than the amount of social support received from parents, family members, and friends.
[from the book The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven]

Something to think about. How vulnerable are you?

Smile :)
Sarah "the vulnerable" Bickerstaff

Trek up the Tower

2008-01-28T23:41:00.000-05:00

http://www.trekupthetower.org/

February 23, 2008.

Team: The Stairwells.
Me and my Dad climbing to the top of First National Bank. I hope to beat him. ;) I'm super excited to do the race, and I might eventually start trying to 'train' for it.

Climbing,
Sarah

The Good.

2008-01-28T23:08:00.000-05:00

I was conversing with my ole college friend Mike Friedman last night -- who I must say is one heck of a cyclist. We were talking about "good" people, and I mentioned that in college I seemed to be around so many of them. Very good friends, very kind, go out of their way for you, very awesome people. I miss that. Don't get me wrong ... I LOVE my friends here in Omaha, but sometimes I expose myself to people who aren't good for ME. They aren't bad people by any means ... just not good for me. I'm probably not making any sense because I'm being so vague, but it's like person #1 can be an awesome person FOR person #2 but not necessarily FOR person #3. Doesn't make them a bad person and for the record I'm talking in very general terms.

Our conversation just made me ponder for a bit about who we expose our lives to and why we do it. Which jumped my mind to something completely different (which is how my mind normally processes) to the idea that some people will share their whole life story to someone just for the sake of telling it but not having any meaning to it. While others might tell their story because they are secretively begging for advice, and still others because they know a friend might need to hear something about their life that may make the friend's life make more sense -- advice you might say ... or confiding.

My mind is usually all over the place. Most likely because I like to over analyze things, but that's just me. Over analyzing has kept me out of trouble for most of my life so I can't complain too much about it.

So anyway, after talking to Mike it just made me miss cycling -- mainly Penn State cycling road trips and best of all... competing in the Eastern Collegiate Cycling Conference (ECCC). It's hard to understand how the things you do now will affect you later in life, but I can definitely say the ECCC helped me in ways I still don't even realize.

It gave me a PASSION for something that made me believe in myself. Made me want to wake up each morning and strive to deliver that passion. Spring of 2004 especially gave me so much self-confidence that made my life so much better. I miss that. It's not that I can't have that now ... I just have to pick out something. I'm never gonna get back the 8 hour long road trips to Boston for a 3 race weekend or the commoradorie (sp?) from teammates that will be there for you no matter what. I guess those are the "good" people I was sort of describing before. People who you want to have around you all of the time because there's a 50/50 shared life bond between ya.

Often times I'll have the urge to really get back into cycling and get my pro license back but then I realize there are big road blocks preventing me to do so -- biggest of all is my failing hip. What a bugger that thing has been for the past 2 years!! Then there's also the dedication that takes place. It's hard to dedicate yourself to something when you feel like you need to dedicate yourself to a couple other things as well.

On that note, though, I feel like I've been getting super strong going to the YMCA's spin classes twice a week + a couple other easy trainer rides. I'm excited to see how it pays off in a couple of months. I'm pretty sure there's a cycling race around here in Nebraska at the end of April. I wanna get back to kicking butt. :) -- which would be much easier if there were some mountains around here... dang how I miss climbing!

Anyways ... that's my ramble for the day.
Hug,
Sarah

Squirrels at Penn State

2008-01-21T23:11:00.000-05:00

I think it's the little things that you miss most at times.
Even if these lil creatures threw acorns at me from the trees all throughout my life in Atherton Hall, they'll still forever make me smile. I swear they think they're human.

Squirrel on Leg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZUQBQ75IkY&feature=related

Squirrel Loving Cheez-its
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXByuTvlIY0&feature=related

3 more months until I get to hug a squirrel again. hehe :)

Sarah

Still on my mind... forever.

2008-01-16T00:28:00.001-05:00

Photo: Me and my Grandma fishing ... circa 1986.
I've been missing my Grandma a lot lately and thinking a lot about her. Thank goodness I have Samuel. It's just been hard thinking that I'll never have a chance to give her a hug and tell her I love her.

I haven't written in a week as I haven't had too many positive things to talk about. Well, I guess some :) but work has been crazy, my hip has been killing me, and I'm still curious as to what was/is wrong with my stomach.

Always pray,

Sarah

3am

2008-01-06T16:52:00.000-05:00

I love it how God seems to have a special way of surrounding you with people that will make you smile when you need it most. :)

Cheers to 3am visits.

New Desperate Housewives tonight... yay! ... hopefully going over to Jen's to see her and of course E.J. :)

Smiling again,
Sarah :)

Pros and Cons

2008-01-06T03:05:00.001-05:00

Things I Love about Omaha:
- my job
- my coworkers
- my awesome apartment
- living downtown
- walking to work
- getting every dvd from the library
- people watching downtown
- being 1 mile from the YMCA

Things I Don't Like about Omaha:
- all my super fun friends are engaged or married or have kids
- everyone already has their life settled
- living by myself
- 1000 miles away from all of my college friends
- i try too hard to make friends and end up screwing things up
- there are no mountains to climb on my bike
- the weekends because everyone seems to go away
- how hard it is to find people my own age since i'm not in college any more
- how i always miss people

Rough weekend.
The End.
Trying to smile...
Sarah

2008 - smiles and hernias

2008-01-04T23:55:00.000-05:00

The past week has been amazing in so many ways and so I hate it when I let one little thing creep in and let the happiness drift away. I'm a big thinker in "tomorrow is a new day" which is nice because each day I get to wake up and try to correct what went wrong or try things from a different perspective... but anyways ... can't go into detail about that one.

New Year's Eve was one of the most fun ever. I came back to Omaha and barely caught the downtown fireworks which were pretty amazing! Even though the windchill was sub-zero. :) Then I met up with Jen and some friends. We played some games which put a lot of laughing in my system. I was debating whether or not I should come back for NYE, but I'm glad I did. Then I had a surprise visitor from downtown at 3am... it was a pretty humorous time and made 2008 start off pretty well. Ha.

I had been having some stomach problems for about a week, though, and finally mustard up the nerve to go to the doctor on Thursday. I feel absolutely fine except throughout the day my pain in my left side of my abs just gets worse. The docs couldn't figure it out and I took a bunch of tests -- blood, urinalysis, etc -- to try to get a glimpse of what was going on, but all of those came out normal.

So today I had to go in for an ultrasound at the hospital so they could look at my insides. Unfortunately the person doing the ultrasound isn't authorized to tell me anything in regards to what she fines. After the ultrasound I was finally able to relieve myself --- thank goodness! (They make you drink 48oz of water and not use the bathroom for 2 hours before so all your insides are extended ... and of course my bladder has to be the size of a peanut. lol) Anyways, they make sure the pictures they took from the ultrasound get sent to the radiologist and the radiologist will send the results off to my doctor who will finally contact me with any news. A lot of people are thinking it's a hernia because I feel fine but I have a lot of pain (which comes and goes depending on when I've eaten and what I'm doing). But then again I'm in an exstrenuous amount of pain, either. However, I'm glad to say that I don't think it's anything too serious as they probably wouldn't have done something immediately about it. I'll just be happy when I have the results and can maybe put a name to what has been bugging me for over a week now.

Well, I guess it's time for some shut-eye. I had wanted to hang out with some friends tonight but half of them had plans and half I couldn't get ahold of. Oh well, at least I'll get to bed at a decent time.

Saying my prayers,
Sarah

Four

2007-12-27T22:16:00.000-05:00

Photo: Ginger guarding the presents ... and sleeping on the job. All she does is sleep. :)

I woke up this morning around 10am thinking that I'd just take the day off from working out. After 2 hours of morning tv, I headed back to bed for another hour, and then sat in the living room with my mom for a couple more hours until Ryan started recording our old family VHS tapes to cds. Some of those were pretty funny to watch. One of the tapes was entitled "The Bickerstaff Family 1954-1967" ... which featured a dog jumping on my dad when he was a few weeks old. Haha.

After basically just sitting all day I ended up going to the Wellness Center. My mom was going to do the beginner spin class so I told her I'd join her. So, I went around 3:30pm to swim 3000 yards and then lifted weights. After that it was on to the spin room with my mom. As we were finishing the class, my dad came into the room because he was doing the 6pm spin class. Somehow he convinced me to stay for a SECOND spin class -- and spin classes are never easy. After 4 workouts in 4 hours, I have to say that my body was beat. Luckily my mom had made one of my favorite dinners -- homemade hamburgers, baked beans, and waffle fries! and right now I'm extremely stuffed. I'm curious as to how my body will feel in the morning as my recent workouts have had no intensity to them like the spin class does.

Okay ... back to watching Texas defeat Arizona St.

Sarah :)

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-26T00:18:00.001-05:00

Technically I still have about half an hour until it's no longer Christmas. I hope everyone had a blessed holiday!!!

My family and I attended Christmas Eve service last night at 7pm ... it's always nice to see all the people at your home church whome you haven't seen in a year. After that the Bickerstaff tradition is to come home and open presents! We also drink wine, egg nog, and this year's snack was cheese ball! I think everyone got some really nice gifts. I know I loved all of mine!! :) I got a lot of swim stuff, a sweater and another shirt for work, a hand held vacuum, and season 3 of The Office! I had decoupaged some wine bottles for my parents that had a bunch of pictures of our family on them. I like to surprise people with stuff they wouldn't expect. I hope my parents enjoy them... I tried really hard to make the present special.

I got Ryan one of my favorite books of all time "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis. I had read it right out of high school and think it's just an amazing book. It's one of those that after each page you literally have to stop and let the words soak in. My old Pastor in Alva got me hooked on his books. He had given me "The Screwtape Letters" my senior year of high school as a Christmas present and I loved it. I would highly recommend both of those books. In fact, I think I'm going to re-read them soon. I just hope Ryan takes the time to read it. It's hard to shop for him. We see each other about once a year and rarely ever talk -- except for birthdays. I really wish we had a better sibling relationship, but I don't know what else to do at times to make him realize that I'm an okay person. I feel like I've tried and tried but each time I feel like I just fail ... then someone told me once that sometimes you just have to accept another person's behavior and thoughts and realize that it might not be anything you did ... just how that person operates. So, perhaps Ryan doesn't hate me ... perhaps we just operate completely different in life and with people that it's hard for us to get along. At least that's what I have to tell myself so that I don't get sad.

On a happier note, though. I'm really thankful for all the calls, texts, messages, etc that I received today from all my friends. It's so nice to hear from everyone -- even if it's just a simple "Merry Christmas" greeting :)

Oh! and I'm really trying to make it back to Penn State for Blue and White weekend. It's sometime in mid-April and I'm hoping that a ton of my old roomies and alumni friends come back that same weekend. In fact, I probably won't be going unless ya'll come back ... so everyone will have to let me know their plans. A lot has to fall nicely into place in order for me to go --- plane ticket prices are outrageous! So, hopefully it'll all work out and I'll be able to spend a couple days in good ole Happy Valley with some amazing people. :)

Remember the reason for the season.
God Bless,
Sarah :)

Scanner

2007-12-24T00:23:00.000-05:00

I really wish my family had a scanner at home. I was looking at pictures from 1985-1988 this evening (2-5 years of age) and basically I have discovered I was a pretty awesome toddler. I should probably confirm that with my parents before I post it to the world, but I just love looking at old pictures. Things I've learned today from pictures:

1. I had no hair on my head until I was 2.
2. I went through a phase where I thought it was awesome to close one eye with my finger in pictures.
3. My corrective shoes had a black stripe.
4. I was scared of our own dog.
5. When I was 5 I was taller than our backyard tree. Now I'm 24 and the treet is about 6 times as tall as me.
6. I loved putting glue on construction paper with a q-tip and then putting packing peanuts on the glue.
7. My mom made some pretty fancy birthday cakes.
8. My brother and I had to wear EXTREMELY BRIGHT ORANGE hoodie jackets when we played outside.
9. I surprised my parents when I was 4 by riding a bike with no training wheels ... when they didn't know I could.
10. There's a picture of me looking 25% alive because I was so sick. It's actually pretty cute -- me with a blotchy, over heating puffy cheek face ... an ice pack on my head .. covered with stuffed animals (because they were the cure for everything) ... and of course a sippy cup. Being 2 and a half or being 24... being sick is the story of my life.
11. My mom liked to include the camera case in numerous photos.
12. At the age of 4 I was a space dragon for Halloween. The pictures look like I was wearing aluminum foil.
13. Even back then I acted silly in half of my pictures.
14. 80% of the furniture in my apartment came from the pictures between 1983-1987.
15. In 1987 I got a ginormous wooden house that my dad built for my little tiny doll toys. I can't think of the name of them right now... but I loved those things! That same Christmas I got my good ole stuffed animal Snoopy. It looked much fluffier and angel white 2 decades ago... it's been loved a lot since then.

And ... there's so more. Every time I come home I have to look at basically all the pictures ever taken in our family.

Home is still going okay. Basically I sleep in, workout, eat, take a nap, workout, watch tv, take pictures of my dog, and catch up with as many people as I can. Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which for my family means gift opening! And with presents comes egg nog! I gave my parents gifts they would never expect this year so I'm excited to see their reactions.

Merry Christmas Eve-Eve! :)

Sarah

Snow and wind

2007-12-22T12:15:00.000-05:00

So, I wasn't planning on leaving Omaha until this morning so I didn't bother packing Thursday night. Well, when I got back from work Friday afternoon, I realized that a blizzard was going to be rolling through NE, KS, and OK. This was around 3:30 as we all left early; however, I was sooooo very sleepy so I knew I had to take a nap before I attempted driving 450 miles. I ended up finally leaving (took me FOREVER to pack my car with all the stuff I needed to bring home) around 6:30pm. Which made for a 1:30am arrival with a bit of speeding involved. ;)

But now I'm here in good ole Alva, Oklahoma. It's snowing with 40mph wind gust. Nothing like home. :) I'll be home for a little over a week and hope to relax and stroll around my little town as much as possible. I'll probably make frequent visits to the Wellness center to workout as well... thank goodness for an indoor pool! (Though I will miss my YMCA for awhile ... love that place.)

I finally finished mailing out all my Christmas cards earlier this week and hopefully everyone will receive theirs before Christmas day. Evidently the mail service gets a little slow this time of year. But, I like to keep in touch with lots of people so hopefully everyone will enjoy their little notes ... and adorable cards this year. :)

Well, I better get to that indoor pool I was speaking of... now that my car isn't filled with snow... I must have accidently hit the window handle when I was taking all my stuff out of my car last night. Luckily my Dad saw it when he got up to run at 8am ... so he cleared off the nice layer of snow in my backseat. lol

Oh! and check out this band...
http://www.myspace.com/oxygeno2
I like.

Sarah :)

Nice

2007-12-20T00:14:00.000-05:00

I'm overly nice. I admit it. I like to make people smile. I like to make people feel special. So I try my best.
Some people only try to cheer up those that outwardly look sad. But I know others might need it as well.
I know many times I've been a mess inside but outwardly could present myself as I'm the happiest person on Earth -- partly because I giggle at everything.
I do random things for people. Send them little notes in the mail. Give random things.
Try to put a smile on my face as I pass people. But mostly I like to let people know what they mean to me.

I just finished sending out all my Christmas cards. Most of the people I send cards to are the ones I only might see once or twice a year. So when I'm pulling their name from the address book, I get a chance to sit and reflect about shared memories and how that person has helped me grow to who I am today. And so I like to tell people straight up how meaningful they are to me ... and if they are to me, then they are to the world.

Sometimes I think people think I'm crazy for being so upfront. Maybe it's because most people don't share their thoughts every day... I don't know.
It's like the old lady at Barnes and Noble who always has a million magazines or books on her table in the Starbucks Cafe ... I've never told her this, but I appreciate her presence so much. I believe she might be a bit mentally impaired, but I am greatful on the days that we are there at the same time as she reminds me of how simple life can be and how complicated we tend to make our lives.

Anyways... I just finished my cards and wonder what people feel when they receive that little note. I'll end with one of my favorite quotes of all time:

"I do honestly believe that people enter our lives for a reason. That everyone who we meet, who forms an impression, has something to teach us. Everything that happens to us is an experience, and because of that it can never be bad. An experience can only be good because it all serves to shape the person that we are, the person that we become."

And that is precisely why I'm so very greatful for so many people ... no matter how short their stint in my life might have been.

A big thanks... to everyone.
Sarah

Oh December

2007-12-17T23:11:00.000-05:00

Photo: Always in my heart.

Dear December ... you have been a tough one.

I attended my Grandma's burial and then memorial service last week in Kansas. Saddest 2 days of my life. However, I don't think I'm as much sad for her as she is no longer here as I am for all the people she had blessed throughout her life. My Grandpa gave me her wedding band that was built into a necklace. I'm going to wear it with pride. Being in her house was very hard as well ... none of her praying to wake up to, or questions about my life, or her crazy casserole dishes, or her ever so distinctive voice. As I look at her picture on my desk though, I can only be happy that she is up in heaven in perfect peace.

I finished up my Christmas present shopping this past weekend and I only have one or two more Christmas card to send out. My list isn't nearly as long as my Grandma's was (152 people! ... with hand written notes in each one!) but I must admit that I tend to go on and on in my letters and so my hand is kinda getting sore.

My eyes have opened up a bit in life lately and it's hard to take it all in. Some days I can think I have a wonderful life and other days I feel like I'm messing up somewhere. Those of you who know me well know about my struggles ... and somedays are good and some are bad. I guess all I can do is pray about it. There are so many good things in this life on Earth to let certain things get to you.

Anyway, it's been a crazy learning month for me and I guess those come around every once in a while to put us back up on our feet. Check out "Silver Lining" by Rilo Kiley. Pretty sweet song.

Trying to smile ...

Sarah

Rest in Peace Grandma... You're up in Heaven Now

2007-12-07T18:43:00.000-05:00

I miss you.

Rachel Bickerstaff

December 11, 1921 - December 7, 2007

Update

2007-12-07T13:26:00.000-05:00

Received a card from my Grandpa and Aunt Connie (who is staying with them to help my Grandpa out). My Aunt wrote "... your Grandma wanted to make sure that her Christmas cards got out. I am so glad she keeps good records. Otherwise I'd be in trouble. Now that she is in her own room she made sure the picture you drew [for her] that says "Jesus Loves You" is taped to the wall so she can see it. So between Grandpa and I we're getting her cards out. Wow she knows so many people."

Guess I just wanted to fortify the fact that my Grandma kept in touch with so many people her entire life no matter how little she saw them and no matter if they ever wrote back. I want to be like her.

I need a HUG.

2007-12-06T23:17:00.001-05:00

Picture: Christmas Break 2006. Grandma and I were practicing goofy faces for the camera.

Well, a week ago I wrote and was as happy as could be. But then life just started going downhill... I was having high hopes but my Dad called me yesterday to inform me that my Grandma only has a few days left. Below there's a post from my Thanksgiving visit with Grandma.... She was doing much better the next couple of days in ICU and got her breathing tubes out. She even got OUT of ICU. Right now she has an oxygen mask and they inserted the feeding tube again to give her some energy.

My family sent her some balloons on Tuesday and my Grandpa and Aunt said that she smiled and faintly acknowledged the gift, but that she's barely grasping their hands any more when they hold her hand. Carbon dioxide is building up in her lungs and she seems to be slowly slipping away. Today she had a slightly better report which was good to hear but it's hard to accept that when it seems it's just a matter of time. If she continues to fade my Dad will have to make the decision to pull her off life support and let her die a natural death.

I've never really had anyone close to me pass away, especially someone so holy as my Grandma. She was the type of Grandma that when I would visit I would wake up to the sound of her unforgettable voice praying aloud to God to be with her loved ones and ones she didn't know. She gave me my first Bible. When I didn't want to play pinnocle with the rest of the family she would sit and play cribbage with me. She made the best watermelon rolls which I still have yet to attempt to make. She wrote to me every single month once I left home to let me know she loved me and that I was always in her prayers. She would make me crochetted everything. Once she made me a green hat (see pic below) that evidently I wore every night for a summer waking up with a pool of sweat on my head. She seemed more connected to her extended relatives than anyone I've ever known. I gave her a penn state t-shirt my freshman year for Christmas and even though I accidently bought an XL... she still wore it when I would visit to show me she appreciated it. Every time I would visit in college she would always ask if I had a "special friend" which would make me smile because of her curiosity.

My parents stopped in Junction City to visit my dad's parents on their way up to visit me in September. I was surprised to see a sad looking dog my brother and I had named Samuel in my parents' car. It was the stuffed animal Ryan and I would always fight over. Every time I would visit in college my Grandma would always ask me what I wanted of hers (she always had this negative view of how her life seemed to becoming closer to its end that all of us would just chuckle about because she was fine and healthy). I never really wanted anything of hers ... like the china she gave me and other things like that. So I mentioned to her once, that the ONE thing that will forever remind me of her is SAMUEL. She gave Samuel to my parents in September to give to me because (in her negative view) she might not be alive to give it to me. I went down to see her and my Grandpa towards the end of October while my parents were there for my Dad's 35th high school reunion. That was the last time I saw her as a whole... as the Grandma I grew to know...

Her and I watching TV while my parents were at the reunion stuff. Her asking me about my job and me asking her stories from when she was younger. Her putting her little boombox to her ear so she could hear the football game on the radio and all of a sudden hearing "YES!!!" when her team scored. I love that memory. It truely makes me smile.

So when my Dad called yesterday I felt like I should go down there immediately so I could see her one last time. After talking to him awhile though and contemplating it I realized that I don't want that atmosphere to be my last memory of her. I did see her twice over Thanksgiving, with the first time me being a crying mess, but the 2nd time with all of us showing smiles because she looked so much better. So as much as I want to go see her, she might not even know I'm there and I don't know if I can handle that feeling. She knows I love her and that we're all praying for her. I just wonder what she's thinking right now... like if she's wanting all of us there but just can't communicate that. She doesn't have enough energy to talk, yet I know she wants to talk and I just don't want her to go. I only saw her a couple times a year but I like to think it made each visit that much more special.

I feel so sad for Grandma but then I almost feel worse for my Dad who has to make the power of attorney decision, my uncle who is unable to see his own mother, and my Grandpa who calls her "B" and has been married for 62 years to her.

She's alive right now and I am praying for a miracle, but I guess I'm writing all of this now because in a few days I might not ever feel like writing it, and I want the world to know that Rachel Bickerstaff was a pretty damn good and loving Grandma.

So, right now I just need a friend to hug. This is one of those moments when it sucks to live by yourself. A shoulder to cry on or a friendly hug is quite comforting. And right now that's all I want.

Picture: THE green hat that my Grandma made and that I would wear ALL the time.

The Title of My Blog

2007-11-30T00:50:00.001-05:00

It says "Always Smiling" ... and that's just what I did for the past 5 hours. So, I thought the world should know...

I think life just got a big tad bit better ... :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMycfdNdlKA

My life this week started off in the most unwanted way ... and ... well, as my Dad says...
YOU have to MAKE it a good day.

Smile.
Sarah