her morning elegance.

you had the passenger seat then.

2009-07-14T23:59:00.002-05:00

Friday, I will probably filled with exuberance and excitement.

Saturday, I will probably be ecstatically surrounded by friends.

The next three weeks will likely be fantastic and fulfilling, but...

Tonight, just let me be sad.

Love,

Bekah.

holiday for hanging

2009-07-04T11:48:00.003-05:00

Happy 4th of July to me. I think it's pretty ironic that the first Independence Day I spend in the States in the past 5 years, I'm working and otherwise spending the holiday alone. Ah well... at least tonight won't be boring.

I hurt Ben's feelings last night, and it feels like I'm suffocating since I can't talk to him right now.

That's really all I have to say.

a fun night at work.

2009-06-12T23:54:00.002-05:00

Tonight was fun. I was a little apprehensive about it -- I haven't quite gotten the hang of closing up the store properly yet. Maybe just because I feel like I'm doing everything inadequately!

Anyway, though... tonight it was Josh, Chris, and I, and we had a pretty good time. We had some great customers, and everyone seemed to be in a good mood. Josh and I worked up a welcoming routine for the drive-thru that we eventually tried out on one family near the end of the night:

"Good evening!"

"Welcome to Starbucks!"

"I'm Josh..."

"And I'm Bekah..."

"What can we get started for you tonight?"

We would flip back and forth during the whole ordering process-- I think we ended up making the family feel as silly as we were feeling. :) That was good.

Let's see... Oh! And something weird happened. I am pretty sure I was flirted with by one of the lobby customers. He and two women came in -- he seemed to be in his late 20s, I think. I was working bar, and while Chris took his order, I stood behind the counter and was getting the specifics so I could start on his drink. I think it was... a skinny cinnamon dolce latte? Yeah.

Anyway, he was kind of looking at me strangely. As if he knew me or something. And when I went up to the bar, he started talking to me, lightly teasing as if I were a friend. Asked if I had weekend plans (fishing, perhaps?). I told him I would be working all weekend. Then he proceeded to tell me about his moving plans-- moving to California rather soon for a job. We chatted a while. He was pretty nice, but it was just so strange! I wanted to know his deal, lol. Ha! If I didn't have a boyfriend that I love and adore, I'm sure I would be eaten up with curiosity. As it is now, however, I am happy enough to pass on the humorous event to my blog and a couple of friends, and there it shall rest. :)

Josh and I kind of bonded tonight, too, which was nice. I'm glad I like my coworkers... I really consider them all friends, even this soon into the job!

Summer lovin', happened so fast...

2009-06-01T00:32:00.003-05:00

The summer is really panning out to be a great one already. It's different, but a good different. Kind of a grown-up good different.

Work has been awesome. Seriously. I love my job... I loved coffee before, but I have such a huge appreciation for it now! Even more than before. My coworkers are incredibly great. I really couldn't imagine working anywhere else right now. It's a good fit for me at this time in my life.

I don't get to see Ben as often as I would like. We average about twice a week... it seems like we're seeing each other less now than we did when I was in school. Odd, but then again, I was about 20 minutes closer. Ben was planning on moving to Conway... I guess I was hoping he was really going to try to do so, but you know, things come up. He's got more important things to do right now.

Tomorrow morning, I am getting up, and I am going running. I officially start whatever regimen it is I'm going to put myself through tomorrow. I would like to lose say... 15 pounds before Hungary. It'll probably end up being maybe 10, but I'll take what I can get! I haven't really... gained that much weight since last summer... maybe about 10 pounds, but I -feel- like I have. My clothes aren't fitting like they were. So time to crack down!

I miss my friends a lot. I might have to watch some Doctor Who tomorrow to get over school-sickness.

loooooove.

love love love.

because I have nothing better to say.

love.

Beks.

La la La

2009-05-21T00:40:00.003-05:00

Well, friends, it's been a while.

I'm in Maumelle now, living with my aunt and cousins again.

Started working at Starbucks on Monday, and so far it's been pretty great. I learn how to make lattes in the morning.

Maggie (my car) seems to be on her last toenail of her last foot of her last leg. The list of problems is extensive. Suffice it to say that she has mysterious electrical problems, and is now entirely unreliable. :( I have to put her in the shop tomorrow morning even though I don't have any money to fix her. Lord willing, it's going to be an easy, relatively cheap problem to fix.

...Not holding my breath, though.

Other than that, life is going okay. Somehow I managed to scrape by with a 4.0 for this past semester. Crazy... don't know if I deserved it... but I'll leave the judging to the teachers, lol.

I miss my mom. I miss my brother. I miss my friends. I miss Ben. I always forget about the whole not having friends bit about living in Maumelle. Hanging out with Tyler and Caitlin is fun, but it's always tough not having my best friends around. Plus, this week I'm only working 20 hours... which means a lot of downtime alone here at home... because everyone else in the household works at ASP from morning to evening.

Let's just say I've been napping a lot, lol.

Well... that's it for my bellyaching. I'm going to catch some sleep.

Love,

Beks

take me to the riot.

2009-04-27T01:00:00.001-05:00

You know what's funny (and probably not a very good thing)?

The more I get behind on school work, the less I care about it.

And the more I think about the future.

♥.

more adventurous.

2009-04-19T16:45:00.003-05:00

At this point in the semester, the name of the game is "Keeping Your Head Above Water." I'm behind on schoolwork, and it's tough to stay motivated to get it done in the first place. I'm coasting through my classes, and I'm having a hard time putting much effort into my extracurriculars. I guess you could say I'm a little distracted.

Summer plans, the boy, thesis plans, friends in pain, planning my future in general... It's all culminating into one big, crazy ball of distraction. I don't know if I'm depressed or anxious or just stressed. I feel like I could sleep for an eternity. Little things frustrate me more than they did. I want to get away.

I've been having weird dreams lately. Maybe not nightmares... just forays into things disturbing.

I need to clean my room. I need to write my paper(s). I need to practice for my lesson and get ready for tonight's meetings/rehearsals.

...but I just want to go to bed.

I was going to drive down to Maumelle to turn in my Starbucks application this morning. I'd had it all filled out and everything. Typical, though, my car was dead when I went down.

That would be my life, lol.

Seriously. One of these days I'm going to have a reliable car.

...it may be a while, though.

Love, Beks

p.s. the roommates think I need to see a "doctor". And when I say doctor, I mean a girly doctor. lol. I won't fill you in on the gnarly, personal details, so I'll just say that I've got this paranoid feeling that I'm going to find out that I can't have kids. (I wanted to put a "lol" after that, and then I disapproved of my own levity in light of the subject matter. ...lol).

A good day.

2009-04-02T16:30:00.002-05:00

How exciting today has been! After Stage Makeup, I stayed behind to talk to my professor and ask her to be my thesis tutor. She was totally pumped about it! Eeeeeeeks I'm so excited. She's got some great ideas about different techniques we can use, and she really wants to help me get into the SFX type of makeup that I'm still not that great at.

Happiness. :)

Also, I got an invite to stay with Fanni's fam for a few days while I'm in Hungary -- very welcome!

Oh, and I met with my little over coffee, too.

So aside from the icky stormy weather we've had, it's been a good day.

Ben's coming to visit me tonight, so I don't really know how the day could get better.

Ah, life. ♥.

Gone, gone, gone.

2009-03-30T16:37:00.003-05:00

Ah, world.

How much has changed! I hardly recognize my own life anymore.

I'm on the verge of being pretty stressed, and I'm exhausted from my very busy spring break, but I am well. The guy I am seeing is... well, the whole situation is different. I don't rightly understand it, and sometimes I don't really feel I deserve it (or him). The thing is, though, I just can't see life without him. That's what's so strange. I cannot imagine living without him in my life.

I just hope that feeling isn't fleeting. I'm kind of enjoying it.

Anywho, I might come back and write some more tonight. I have to go film stuff for Laughing Stock in a few... so I've gotta run!

Much love,

Beks

blue smiles.

2009-03-11T10:30:00.001-05:00

My, my, Bekah.

Be careful, or you're likely to lose yourself.

It's been a good week.

find me a find, catch me a catch.

2009-03-02T19:14:00.001-06:00

I want someone who would fly to Africa to see me.

Is that selfish?

it'll happen. it's gonna happen.

2009-02-25T20:47:00.003-06:00

Things have been passing strange recently.

I went home this past weekend so I could spend some time with my mom. My mom had a date... that's weird to say. It's not something that's really come up ever, not that I remember. It's always just been my mom, my brother, and me. So dealing with something new was an experience, to say the least.

I spent a lot of time with Katie, Adam, and David this past weekend, too. That was good. I guess I really needed some time to sit back and not think about the normal things. I came back to school feeling much more relaxed about life than I did when I left it.

...probably not all good, as I skipped my SOC class today, lol.

The atmosphere at my old church in Jonesboro was... intense on Sunday. A lot of unfortunate events have stricken the congregation there, and I got an email today about another. A man I liked but really knew only through other people I loved took ill recently and passed away last night. All this death just makes me feel... quiet. It doesn't make me all that sad or upset (as I think it probably should...)... I just don't really know what to do with myself. I feel like I need to do something, but I'm finding the motivation to start on the night's homework hard to come by.

I'm going to see my brother in Mississippi over spring break before I fly to Florida. I decided this past weekend, and I'm pretty excited. :) I miss that kid.

There's probably a lot more I could write about... but frankly, I need to start on this work.

Cheers.

Nagyon szeretlek.

Thank you, your grumpiness.

2009-02-12T21:52:00.003-06:00

I met Malcolm-Jamal Warner today.

Talking to him was pretty awesome.

He was a remarkably well-spoken, genuine human being.

Hearing about The Cosby Show from one of the children's point of view was fascinating! I'm so glad I got invited to go meet him. <3.

We have a surplus of individualism and a deficit of companionship.

2009-02-09T23:03:00.004-06:00

I've noticed that it's the times when I most desperately need to get work done that I find myself sorely lacking in motivation.

...Sigh.

Today was a good day. I managed to almost completely get through my first weekly walk/run routine this morning. ("Almost completely" because I skipped one running segment near the middle of the course to keep walking and loosen out my muscles). The course is actually a series of podcasts I heard about from Emily some weeks ago... with the aim of getting a beginning runner up to running 5k in 9 weeks. Pretty cool, right? I'm also working on getting to two hundred sit-ups in six weeks.

So while I've gained a bit of weight over the past semester and break, I'm getting the physical side of myself back on track for one of the first times since... well, it's been a while.

Almost had a small freak-out tonight while studying. I'm just so distracted tonight... thinking about too many things. I emailed Sephora about their new store opening in Little Rock this spring. Hopefully they'll email me back. I don't know if I'll be able to get a job with them, but it's what I need right now. I have to start getting connections... and the whole vastness of my future ahead of me is more than a little daunting. I know what I want, but will I be good enough to reach it? Will I have enough ambition and spirit?

It was these questions (and many, many more) that made me lay my head down on my desk and breathe. I have to keep telling myself that I have time. I can do anything I want. I don't have to worry yet.

Yeah, and then I remember that I'm telling that to someone who worries to the point of obsession about these types of things. It drives people crazy, but it's the way I am.

Céad Míle Fáilte

2009-02-07T00:59:00.007-06:00

As usual, I need to go to bed.

This week was a rollercoaster, but it was more than I could have ever expected.

Last weekend was Derrick's birthday extravaganza. We went out Friday and Saturday and had lots of fun in the process. I got to spend some time with his friends and ended up liking them very much! It was lovely to see Derrick, and I'm sad I couldn't get his present(s) to him on time... but it's true, he'll be getting his late like I did. ;)

My favorite Irish friend, Niall, arrived in Arkansas Monday night. It was all I could do to keep from tackling him when he walked out of Emma's house, and we saw him for the first time since July. He came to class with me (Honors with Allison: Issues in Global Economics and Environment), and I was pleasantly surprised to find he knew a lot on these issues. He even participated in the discussion.

Dinner at Old Chicago, then we hung out at the Bear's Den afterward. Got to see Dustin, which was almost as momentous as seeing Niall.

On Wednesday I had classes until late afternoon, but I was able to hitch a ride with a few people to Little Rock to spend some time with him. We ate/had a couple of pints at the Flying Saucer and finished up at Willy D's... And then he left, which kind of broke my heart for some reason.

I guess it just reminds me of all those times I had to leave people I loved behind in other places-- Hungary, for instance. I'm trying very hard to get there for the last camp this summer, but after then? Who knows if I'll ever be back. And while I told Niall that I would without a doubt be back to Ireland, I don't know if I will any time soon, you know? Who knows if I'll ever see him again. He told Flo's husband that he'd never fallen in love with a bus tour group the way he fell in love with ours. Everyone (well, you know, with the students at least). Especially us four chicas -- Flo, Laura, Amber, and myself. That really made saying goodbye to him harder, too. We all love him and wish Ireland were a little closer. Sigh.

Anyway. That's what's been going on. Classes are going well, but I feel like a slacker in all of them except for Stage Makeup, and that's the only one that I really care about.

Love.

Beks.

keep it cool.

2009-01-21T16:26:00.002-06:00

Two days of official classes gone by, and here's how things stand:

Honors Senior Seminar: Issues in Global Economics and Environment

Well, I've got tentative hopes for this course. I'm learning a lot already, and I'm enjoying getting a better grasp on economics (something I've had a hard time with in the past). There's a lot of reading, though, and writing, too. That's a little difficult, but not too daunting. Yay for Honors.

Stage Makeup

HOMG THE COOLEST CLASS EVER. For real. 75% of the grade is putting makeup on yourself. At first I was a little wary, having already some decent experience with theatrical makeup, but I'm already learning new things. Fabulous. Plus, I have this class with Trace, and Trace is one of the grooviest people ever. So yeah.

Cognitive Psychology

Not a really difficult course. And thus not too much to say about it. Wade's in both of my psych classes, so at least I have a friend.

Physiological Psychology

As this class is taken from the same teacher 10 minutes after Cognitive Psychology, we sometimes hear a lot of the same stuff in this class that we did the last one. ...but that's not really a big deal. The prof's very amiable, and he makes us laugh. Again, probably not a very difficult course, so all's good.

Principles of Sociology

I really like my professor for this course. He's got a very gentle, intelligent countenance. Though a lot of the stuff we are looking at now I've already studied at least twice before, I think I'm going to enjoy this class anyway.

Symphonic Band

Ah, symphonic band. ...What is there to say? I got passive-aggressively scolded as I came in. We're supposed to be there 5-10 minutes early to tune (as with any band class I've ever had), but I have class in across campus just beforehand, so I'm just going to have to book it from Irby to SFA on MWF. Also not pleased about having to schedule sectionals every week, but HEY! I'm not all that worried, nor do I care all that much. I just like to play. The literature we're reading right now is fun, though some parts are a bit difficult. Overall, I like band. S'normal.

Alycia and I have started to work out in the mornings on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I love it already. Oboe lessons start next week, though, and mine is at 9:30am on Wednesday, so I'm going to have to reorganize my workout schedule.

We're going bellydancing tonight, weeeeee!

More to come soon, including the ever-changing spring break and summer plans, and life changes.

Love,

Beks.

forget about your house of cards.

2009-01-15T17:50:00.002-06:00

Well, today was our first day of school for the spring semester of 2009. My first semester as a senior. A year from now, I will be starting my very last semester at UCA. How's that for a crazy thought?

My classes today have been pretty fun. I just had Honors (issues in global economics and environment or something like that) and Stage Makeup. Stage Makeup is going to be the easiest and most fun class EVER, pretty sure. Do makeup and get credit for it? Seriously, now. And there are some fun people in there, too (bff Trace!), so +5 to Tuesday/Thursday classes. I really hope the teacher ends up thinking I'm a good person or whatever. I seriously need a tutor for next semester...

I'm feeling a little flyaway these days. My body is protesting something, haha. Takes forever to get to sleep, dreaming a lot more than usual (about half nightmares), and lots of upset tummy days. :( I'm not really all that stressed anymore, now that my ticket got taken care of... so I don't know.

The second generation of social networking (as in, parents, teachers, relatives, friends of parents, old church members) has started to get under my skin. Don't get me wrong, Facebook and Myspace are great tools for networking and keeping in touch with people, but seriously... when one has been on those websites for 5+ years and been able to keep some level of privacy, and then is thrown into experiencing new generation of web-social networkers who are wide-eyed and excited about the brand new perspective that social networking websites present to them... it's a little unnerving.

See... before, students like us were able to partition our lives better. There are our online identities, branches of ourselves visible to friends (both in-real-life and net friends), but otherwise invisible to the outside world. Now, though, it is almost impossible to keep those worlds divided without looking like a jerk. Does that make sense? Everyone is joining Facebook (and Myspace, though the recent boom has seemed to be Facebook). Relatives. Old home church members you see twice a year. Friends of friends. Teachers. Everyone. And these days it seems like I'm spending more time running interference trying to keep the boat from being rocked than actually connecting with friends.

I have over a thousand Facebook friends, so I look doubly a jerk when I decline someone's friend request.

You know what's also unnerving?

In our Strange Communities class last semester, we discussed how websites like Facebook define the way people look at you in real life... how we refer to content on those sites as a matter of fact. And I understood that and supported it, because it's true -- since high school, I have referred to Facebook for real life information about real life people. Discussions had on Facebook are carried on in real life.

It was refreshing and somewhat relieving that certain parts of life were not part of that crossreferencing. That one could go home, and be taken point-blank, as you were, without having to worry about the face you present to the online world. Your mask.

Now, with everyone joining... there is no privacy. No partitioning of one's life. People who weren't making references to online versions of yourself are now doing so.

Commenting on parts of yourself that are online.

Changing the way you interact with them.

'Checking out' friends virtually and making assumptions not previously held about those people based solely on the content of their profiles.

Calling a friend 'creepy' because something in his profile didn't agree with them.

It isn't fair.

It's at odds.

I don't like it.

Sorry... what a long blog of complaints this has been. I'm just feeling weird because I had to decline someone's Facebook friend request twice because I honestly just didn't want to be FB friends with them.

Is that bad?

Sigh.

hello.

2009-01-03T00:39:00.002-06:00

Julie, this quote is for the two of us:

"The world bursts at the seams with people ready to tell you you're not good enough. On occasion, some may be correct. But do not do their work for them. Seek any job; ask anyone out; pursue any goal. Don't take it personally when they say 'no' -- they may not be smart enough to say 'yes'."

--Keith Olbermann

Happy New Year 2009, world.

I rang in the new year like a wuss. Had a mental/emotional breakdown about an hour before midnight, and I was asleep whenever my 12am alarm went off. Yeah. I know I'm lame. Shut up.

I really just have one resolution this year, mostly because I normally don't do resolutions. But I figured I might as well try to get over someone I've been unhealthily pining over for months... I got through a lot of the process on Christmas Eve. Deleted him from websites, blocked and deleted on messengers, the lot. I didn't delete old emails and messages until today. That was hard, but... it needed to be done. More so when I found out he had a girlfriend today. That was a bit of a blow to the gut... twist the knife, will you? Yeah, and then rip it out, haha. I'm reminded of that knife in the 1994 Jungle Book, you know?

Capt. Boone (Cary Elwes): [holding up the knife] This is a personal favorite of mine. You thrust it into your opponent's belly like that, see? And then you twist it a little and rip out his stomach.

Mowgli: And then do you eat him?

Capt. Boone: No, of course not.

Mowgli: Does he want to eat you?

Capt. Boone: Why, no.

Mowgli: Then why kill him?

Capt. Boone: Because he's your enemy.

Mowgli: What is enemy?

Capt. Boone: Someone you hate.

Mowgli: What is hate?

I tell myself it's for the best, that we were never really all that good for each other, but it's tough. and I won't try to fool myself into thinking it shouldn't be. As Julie says, though... he doesn't matter. And in the end, he doesn't. Really, he doesn't.

So here's to a new year full of its own beauty, pain, stupid mistakes, successes, and failures. Julie has feelings that a lot of things are going to change this year, and I think it's possible-- even probable. I just hope some of them will be good changes.

Had a bit of a run-in with the police on New Years -- might explain that later. But before I go back to school I have to go to court to appeal a ticket I shouldn't have gotten. Yuck.

Planning on going back on Weight Watchers soon, just because. It'd be cool to lose maybe another 30 pounds before summer, but I'm not making myself any big promises yet. I have to see how stressful this semester will be first.

Joe, we all miss you. :( Hopefully see you soon.

Love you guys. Hope your breaks are going swimmingly.

christmas!

2008-12-25T23:33:00.004-06:00

Happy Christmas, world. There's still a few minutes left of it here in Arkansas. I think I'd consider this year's holiday season a pretty great one. We spent Thanksgiving in Nashville with family, and now the family's come to us. My brother came in on Monday, and my uncle (Johnny) and aunt (Dana) from New Jersey drove in on Tuesday. It's been a pretty tame week. Chris had to leave to go back to Mississippi after lunch today, and we all miss him. But we have more family driving in to spend tomorrow with us, so that should be fun.

I didn't sleep too well last night... and not because I was excited about Christmas! I did something last night that I probably should have done way back in October... I've just been too weak to do it. When Laura first suggested it several weeks ago, I didn't know if I'd be able to, but last night I finally decided it was time to let go. I didn't sleep well because of predictably (but rather vividly) sad dreams. Weird, I know, but I think my subconscious was ritualistically letting go, too, or something. Saying goodbye and all that. I just know I woke up crying in the wee hours of the morning, replaying everything that happened in the dream. I can't remember the last time I woke up crying... childhood? Who knows. Ah well. It's over now. Hello, new life.

Christmas morning, ahhhh.

I think the gifts I gave went over passing well, so I'm glad for that!

These are the most notable things I got:

Doctor Who Season 3 (thank you, Chris!!)
Sephora Brand Ultimate Blockbuster - Collector's Edition Palette + lip repulpant gloss (thanks Mom!)
Heatable Aromatherapy Booties (I'm SERIOUS, you heat them up in the microwave and put them on your feet!)
Handmade scarf and hat set
Hoodie from Hawaii
iPod to FM converter for my car

Chris also gave me my birthday present the other day, which was a new orange iPod nano. Very cute!

I'm house/pet-sitting for some family friends this weekend and part of next week. Good thing, too, I need the money. :)

Also: my mom is taking in a 15-yr-old German exchange student for 10 days after the New Year. ...Kinda weird, and I get the feeling I'm going to be the one trucking the girl around trying to entertain her. But it should be fun, I guess.

Well, that's about it! I hope everyone's Christmas (or winter-time holiday) was fantastic and brilliant and all that!

Cheers.

idle.

2008-12-14T16:45:00.004-06:00

I've been back for several Sundays, but just now it's hit me how weird it is to come back to the church of my childhood for extended periods. Talking to family friends about my future plans. Explaining to concerned motherly figures why a recent venture into a relationship didn't work out. Expressing general amiability to all and expounding on my gratefulness for being on break.

Coming to terms with being a senior. How did that happen so quickly?

More and more these days, people seem to have a hard time recognizing me both in appearance and personality. Odd enough for me: have really I changed so much? Perhaps I have.

Maybe that's why I'm suddenly so eager to get out and away, to be free to start something worthwhile and entirely my own. The idea of being different is becoming more attractive as time wears on, I think. I don't want to be unapproachable to the people who know me from my childhood, but... don't we all want it acknowledged that we aren't who we once were? That we've grown up, and we have accomplishments to our name that are ours? That we are just as valuable as we are now as we were then? That we are worth knowing as we are now?

I have too much time to myself now that I'm home. Please, someone, save me from idle contemplation. This type of melancholic reflection can be the only product.

everything's looking rose from here.

2008-12-12T11:02:00.004-06:00

Well, friends. Tonight I go back home. Not for long, I'll be back in Conway next week for Julie's birthday. But still... going home today represents the ending of this semester.

And thank Elua for that!

This was probably the worst semester of my college career. Not because the classes were hard-- they weren't, compared to other semesters. No... maybe it was because I was walking around with a broken heart for half of the semester, or that I was having to deal with friend or classmate drama for much of it. Maybe it was because I felt overscheduled or stressed with no real way to relieve it. I don't really know why; I just know it royally sucked.

Next semester has hope of being better.

Here is my class schedule:

Oboe

Symphonic Band

Cognitive Psychology

Physiological Psychology

Principles of Sociology

Senior Honors Seminar (because yes, I will be a senior next semester)

Stage Makeup

That's right. I'm taking Stage Makeup. Trace will be in there with me, so that'll be fun times.

As soon as next semester is over, I'm quitting everything except for band/oboe and maybe Laughing Stock. I have to. I've put in my time for many different groups, and I want to be able to take a step back my last year. I want to get a job, so I can start saving money for Florida.

This break, I will be reading and laughing and listening to good music and watching good movies.

It's going to be a time of renewal for me, and I am excited.

failure.

2008-12-10T09:50:00.002-06:00

When things like this happen, I admit I have trouble keeping my eye on the prize.

some things about me.

2008-12-09T02:09:00.004-06:00

Betimes I place myself in unneccessary predicaments, and I find myself wondering how I am supposed to get myself out of them.

I overthink things, overstress about things, and overanalyze my problems.

I worry too much about the thoughts and feelings of others without considering my own needs enough.

Often I allow myself to become unhappy, and I suffer through my self-imposed unhappiness in silence because I am ashamed or embarrassed.

I don't know if moving is going to help me get rid of these problems. Probably not. But I feel like moving could become a step toward resolving my issues with myself.

In the end, I just want to get away. To start clean and to explore my own potential. I know I can be better. It just feels like I have to get away from here to do it.

Worst skin ever.

2008-12-01T17:51:00.001-06:00

This week, I've gotten massive breakout-age… and I've no doubt it's from all the stress I'm putting myself through. I looked in the mirror after removing the witch's makeup for my Macbeth performance today, and winced at all the lurkers and ugly blemishes covering my face. You just can't hide all that. Today was the worst day of the week, I think... I mean, it was definitely the longest. I don't know what's going to happen officially later this week, but here's to hoping things aren't too crazy.

Here's what I have to do tonight:

Town Hall Meeting – mandatory for Honors Council members, so I'll be there.
Council meeting – following the Town Hall meeting will be the "hearing".
8 Government journals (for safety's sake. I need to get 8 done so I won't be overworked tomorrow).
Write up my part for the Artists' Statement – Honors project group
Start studying for Abnormal Psychology quiz

Ambiguous note of the evening: I am a little unnerved by something. Eh. I guess the topic of my French oral exam didn't help today. I'm just doing a lot of thinking.

Made 1^st chair oboe, Symphonic band. That's good, it's what I wanted. Not too much work, but I still get to play more. Perfect for me. Plus, I have Kort and Amy in there with me. I'm just sad that Laurel and Anna can't be in there with us, too. C'est trop dommage. L

I'm really just trying to make it to the end of this week. Next week shouldn't be too bad. But… yeah.

What did I even start out wanting to write? I'm digressing like crazy here.

I’m just bad news: 100th Entry

2008-11-24T20:05:00.003-06:00

Happy 100th entry, Blogger!

And boyo, do I have some awesome stuff to write for this one.

I'm going to start this off by saying I had a great weekend. For reeeeal. Laina, Jules, Bethany, and I all drove to Fort Smith on Friday afternoon. Her fam took us out to eat, and we went to see Twilight. Yeah, yeah, go ahead and judge, hahaha. We'd made a commitment to go, so I guess we had to. We got to the theater two hours early, though, so we were first in line. Def. It was pretty rad, because people would come in and stand behind us. …Well, it was pretty rad until these three bieyawcheng, peroxide-stained, leather-tanned girls line-jumped us. …I'm so serious. We were first in line, and they line-jumped us. How dumb can you be?? For real. We didn't say anything to them, but everyone in line behind us was getting pissed, too. Especially when the girls started complaining amongst themselves that there were some other people trying to line-jump them. Ugh. Idiots. We won out in the end, though. I'd been watching the ticket boy, and the second I saw his superior give him the green light to start taking Twilight tickets, I shoved Julie past the girls to the front again. Beth and Laina were pulled through the middle of the girls, which didn't please them at all. They spouted some snide remarks, to which we cheerfully cried "Thanks!" and ran away. Mature, I know, but what can you do? ;)

The movie was okay. Just that, okay. Julie put it well when she said it was the Reader's Digest version of the book. The colors and artistic aspects of the film were nice, but everything else was lackluster. I just hope they work a little harder to make the next movie more accessible as a movie and not a summary of what Meyer wrote. Just my opinion here, though.

On Saturday, we ate dinner in Rogers and shopped, then went to what was probably the best concert EVER. The Punch Brothers (featuring the late Nickel Creek's very own Chris Thile!) came to the Walton Arts Center in Fayetteville. I was practically bursting with excitement when we arrived, even despite the exceptionally disgusting Irish coffee I had at the Common Grounds coffeehouse beforehand.

The minute Chris and the rest of the band walked out on stage, we screamed and mad applause erupted… and Julie screamed, "I love your hair!" The little snot was loud enough for them to hear, hahaha. And Chris laughed and said he could sense sarcasm a mile away. We were tote serious, though. The violinist disputed that the comment was for Chris, of course. ;) It was pretty funny, and each time they came back on stage after breaks, a new person would yell that they loved Chris's hair. Ah, love. The concert was HAMAZING. The music was beautiful. Perfect. Chris's voice is every bit was gorgeous in person as it is on his recordings. And the rest of the band was incredibly talented. I was floored by the talent in the room.

After the concert, we got in line for autographs in the lobby, staying near the back. The amount of shaking I suffered was pretty much directly related to the proximity to Chris. I about died when I stepped up to the table, finally, and noticed his eyes were on me. "Hi…" I began. "My name is Bekah… um… and I have been a fan of your music for many years…" I lamely asked him to sign my CD booklet from his "How to Grow a Woman from the Ground" CD, and he obliged, writing "Thanks Bekah!" and signing. When Julie's turn came, however, she introduced herself as the girl who liked his hair. And got to run her fingers through it. His hair, I mean. AGHHH I died of jealousy right there, haha. She and the band seemed to be pretty buddy-buddy, and I was just basking in the proximity to one of my idols from waaaaaay back to junior high school.

Oh, and we managed a picture with Chris. Here y'are. I'm supposed to be getting two more from a very nice guy named John who took pictures of us with his own, much better, camera. I'll post those when I get them.

There's more stuff to say, but that stuff can wait 'til later. I'm just glad it's almost Thanksgiving! I get to see family (save a few, including my big brother *sigh*) and relax for a few days. ♥.

Later! -- Beks