Bad Alice

We're In Our New House

2008-07-02T16:10:00.002-05:00

We survived the move. Somehow. On Saturday morning DramaQueen boarded her flight to LA. While Dear Husband was doing that, I dropped off my car because the alignment was wacko and spent three hours at Wal-mart with Firecracker, wandering around toys and furnishings, getting her goggles and floaties and swim shoes for camp, and eating at McDonalds. The whole time she complained about her toe hurting. She told me that someone had stepped on it at camp, so I didn’t think anything of it.

Then I dropped her off to play with a friend while I went to the new house to wait for the cable guy and Dear Husband and friends moved boxes. And more boxes. When I picked up Firecracker the friend’s mom said it looked as if she had insect bites on her toe. Well, maybe that’s it, I thought—she’s having a reaction to ant bites or something. On Sunday morning I knew something was very wrong, because her toe had blisters all over it, so off we went to Urgent Care while Dear Husband moved more stuff. The doctor diagnosed a staph infection and put Firecracker on antibiotics.

Well, then she couldn’t go to daycare on Monday or Tuesday, and I had to bring her to work briefly because everyone who knows anything about my job is on vacation. In fact, I had requested the days off and couldn’t get them for that very reason. On Monday night Dear Husband broke the ball cock off the master toilet (I never knew the name until I saw the packaging on the replacement—I always called it the ball floatie thing) and on Tuesday he called a plumber to fix a leak in the laundry area. So we’re off to a rousing start with home ownership. Yesterday afternoon I lay down for a nap and didn’t wake up until 6:30. I don’t know how Firecracker amused herself during that time.

We did let the wormies go before moving, and this time Firecracker was fine with it, in fact she was eager to because it was raining and wormies like the rain. She called them all by name as they wiggled off (although some didn’t wiggle at all, which I didn’t comment on). She was then very concerned about the cats because we waited until last to move them, and she was worried we were leaving them behind forever. Then she made it her task to cajole, comfort and generally hound the kitties into acclimating to the new house. “They’re shy,” she said.

Tonight I am making another trip to the apartment to see what else could be left behind, and to empty the fridge. I know there’s chocolate mint ice cream, and I think I deserve it.

Who Let the Worms Out?

2008-06-23T16:07:00.000-05:00

Dear Husband got Firecracker some worms this weekend. I had some reservations about this venture, mainly that worms give me the heebie jeebies. I’m all for supporting my kids in their interests, but I know my limits. I think the people at the pet store thought he was nuts. We have them in a little “critter box” that I covered with dark paper and a ventilated paper plate. Obviously that was not all that secure because this morning I found one by the sink and one on the living room floor, being stared at intently by one of our cats. Dear Husband was angry with me for waking him to take care of the matter. He kept yelling from bed that I should use the dustpan to scoop them up. Well, I figure he bought them, so he can deal with them, because I would never under any circumstances have bought a box of worms. I would have found a nice little plush inchworm or something like that, something cuddly to keep Gary the snail company. But the very idea of letting the worms go upsets Firecracker. Why not a fish? I asked. At this point I would be willing to undertake education in keeping an aquarium. Nice fishies. Firecracker’s response? “How about a spider?” Shudder.

RevGals Friday Five - Word Association

2008-06-20T15:10:00.000-05:00

Think summer......are you there? Below you will find five words or phrases. Tell us the first thing you think of on reading each one. Your response might be simply another word, or it might be a sentence, a poem, a memory, a recipe, or a story. You get the idea:

1. rooftop: New York City. A house has a roof. Rooftops are for big cities, where you can actually climb out on them and set up a lawn chair.

2. gritty: New York City. In every sense of the word.

3. hot town (yeah, I know, it's two words): Phoenix. The hottest summers I have ever experienced. Not only can you fry and egg on the sidewalk (and I’ve seen it done), you can cook an entire dinner. Well, maybe not, but you can get burns from the metal parts of seatbelts and stores have warnings not to take your wine home in the trunk of your car, lest it explode. And boy, don’t ever leave crayons in your car. They don’t just melt; they liquefy and seep into your carpet and upholstery.

4. night: owl. That’s what I would prefer to be, but I am forced out of my natural rhythms by the demands of the work place and momdom.

5. dance: palace. I don’t know why I thought of that. It sounds like something from a Kinks song.

Twilight

2008-06-19T20:45:00.002-05:00

The Art of Losing Things

2008-06-17T16:18:00.002-05:00

"Lose something every day. Accept the fluster of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. The art of losing isn't hard to master."

Dear Husband is disgusted with me, because I constantly forget things--forget plans, forget to plan, mix things up, lose things, procrastinate, hesitate. Generally, I make things difficult to the point that he is always saving us from a muddle.

Right now I am sitting with my calendar open. It doesn't actually help me that much. I often forget to open it. Or I open it and the days are not real to me. How much time is actually between now and the next "thing"? I often write things on my hand, which drives him nuts. I know I won't forget it that way. It won't be closed up in an appointment book, or written on a piece of paper that will find its way under the car seat. I put alarms on my phone, feed stuff into my Outlook. But the problem is that something is always left out. I also don't have good recall. My boss claims to have given me a piece of software. I can't find it anywhere and don't remember the exchange at all. But I know from experience that she doesn't forget, and if she said she gave it to me then she did. But where is it? Will I ever find it?

I'm taking Adderall. It helps a little bit. I guess. But I am still a flake. Not the worst, but bad enough.

Boys and Girls

2008-06-16T16:11:00.004-05:00

This weekend Firecracker had a playdate with a little boy from her class. They had a grand time, and Hunter was not too pleased when it was time to go. After he made peace with it, he tried to give Firecracker a kiss. She held him off, saying, "It's against the law!" This pleased Dear Husband very much.

It is odd how parents speak of boyfriends and girlfriends at this age. Would kids even think about it if grownups weren't asking "Is so and so your boyfriend?" I remember chasing a boy around the playground when I was in first grade and giving him a kiss when I caught him. He looked terrified. Where I got the idea to do that I don't know. It would never occur to DramaQueen, now entering third grade, to do anything like that. She has been completely impervious to the girlfriend/boyfriend nonsense that was already percolating in second grade. The little blond haired cheerleader (boy they start training young) already had quite a few adoring boys--isn't it odd how you can already predict the trajectory of certain children? It seems like not fussing about boys ought to be the norm for this age.

I fear a worm farm is in my future

2008-06-15T22:01:00.005-05:00

The mourning for Wormy continues. I noticed a plump dead worm on the doorstep a few days back. I have to keep telling myself that no, Wormy did not find himself abandoned, get drowned out by rain, and try to crawl his way bag to his pining mistress. Dear Husband tells me that we are getting her another worm. I've been looking up how to make a worm habitat, and it all gives me the heebie jeebies. I mean, ewwww. But it's either that or go out each night to visit the little patch of ground where he was last seen. Today Firecracker dissolved in tears because her playmate had laughed at her for calling Wormy her friend. "He was mmmyy bbbest friend," and she looked up at me with such a heartbroken expression that I almost went teary myself.

On a lighter note, one of my favorite books, Twilight, has been made into a movie and is set to be released in December. After watching the trailer, though, I have my doubts. You can check it out here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1099212/

I was delighted to find that Cirque du Freak is being filmed, and it has a stellar cast, including Willem Dafoe and John C. Reilly. The series is great fun to read--like old fashioned cliff-hangers.

Oh, it's late and I need sleep.

All creatures great and small, but in this case very small

2008-06-11T21:06:00.005-05:00

As we were leaving day camp today, Firecracker stopped to pick up a Styrofoam cup filled with dirt. "Is that a plant?" I asked. She examined the cup, looking for her name. "No, a worm!"

Hmm. I imagined running across a cup of dried up dirt with a dessicated worm several weeks from now. "I think we should let him go--so he can dig into the dirt and enjoy the rain." That's what we did when we got home. We tipped him and the dirt out into the grass behind our apartment, close to a little wooded area.

Later she asked to go back out to look for him. We took our flashlights and gently prodded the little mound of dirt with a twig, but worm had no doubt burrowed into safety (if a bird didn't find him, a possibility I did not mention). Well, not long after that Firecracker began sobbing, "I miss Wormy." I had to take her aside and say a little prayer for Wormy's safety. And again when I tucked her in she said that she missed him so much. I promised we would look again in the morning.

Did I mention that her sister will soon be off to Los Angeles for three weeks?

In which I whine quite a bit

2008-06-10T16:08:00.001-05:00

Last night I dreamed I had a beard. That was a very unpleasant dream.

My life is filled with anxieties large and small. I’m so used to it that I think I’ve always told psychologists that I don’t feel particularly anxious, except at times of crisis. But really I am anxious about everything, from getting to work on time to calling the dentist to choosing the new daycare, to worrying about the next health issue the family could face. I’ve also admitted to myself that all the meds I’m taking aren’t making a big enough dent in the depression that drags at me. There are so many things that seem to have eaten up a little bit of me, starting with Firecracker’s premature birth six years ago all the way to my last biopsy last month (benign, thankfully). Instead of feeling that I’ve been through a lot and so I can handle a lot, I feel that one more thing will sap the last of my reserves. Perhaps I’ve never properly processed any of these horrible events. Maybe I just want to wallow in self-pity a while. I found myself crying one night because of losing a breast, something that didn’t particularly bother me at the time (which is probably abnormal, but I was so relieve not to have a raging cancer that a mastectomy sounded positively positive). Now I have this new breast that impresses the doctors but feels utterly alien to me.

Sometimes I tear up thinking of Firecracker’s surgery, feeling guilty that she went through all that and then there was nothing to be done, and it even seemed as if there was no reason to be there in the first place. No seizures and none since. A blessing, yes, but I would rather have felt the blessing firmly in place before they cut into her skull.

We have bought a house. Our apartment is filling up with boxes, and we’ve been dropping off lots of stuff at Goodwill. I don’t do change all that gracefully, more from sluggishness than anything else. So much effort required. Looking for a house was full of disappointments, and I haven’t become particularly excited about this one. It’s smaller than I had hoped for, but it’s in a good school district (or so say the statistics) and it was what we could afford. It has a yard for the girls to play in and it’s still close to my job. And really, you can make something out of almost any house, although that has never been one of my talents.

DramaQueen is flying by herself to Los Angeles to spend three weeks with her grandparents. I’m fretting over this to a ridiculous amount. I will probably have dreams of traffic jams and getting lost on the way to the airport. Firecracker had issues when DramaQueen went to a slumber party, so I’m preparing myself for a steady stream of “When is she coming back?” DramaQueen will miss the move, so she has made me promise that I won’t unpack anything that goes in her room, because she thinks it will be great fun to unpack it herself. I’ve been assigned to purchase a disco ball to hang from her ceiling.

Time and Transitions - the Rev Gal Friday Five Really Really Late

2008-03-17T16:46:00.002-05:00

To help you adjust--and enjoy the process--here's a Friday Five about time and transitions....

If you could travel to any historical time period, which would it be, and why?
Victorian. I’m fascinated by the Victorians. The popular image is of a very repressive era, but it was a very exciting and interesting time for artists, writers, and women. The suffragists were getting started, and more women were finding their voices. Industry and science were making huge strides (not without some bad consequences, of course). This was the last grand overflow of optimism before World War I. I would like to meet Dickens, Trollope, George Eliot, the Pre-Raphaelites and the Impressionists. As you can see, my interests are primarily for the arts and writing of the time. I find it difficult to imagine wearing corsets and multiple undergarments, or having to watch children eking out a “living” as street sweepers and chimney sweeps, or dealing with high infant mortality, or the dangers for women in childbirth.
What futuristic/science fiction development would you most like to see?
Hmm. From a practical standpoint, I would like to see a cure for cancer. It’s odd, because I’m not sure the future I would like to see has that much to do with technology, which I always associate with science fiction. I would like a less frantic pace of life, neighborhoods where children can roam outdoors and play, more green spaces, an educational system that doesn’t focus on test scores, evangelism without intolerance masked as “standing firm on the Scriptures,” universal health care, enough food for everyone.
Which do you enjoy more: remembering the past, or dreaming for the future?
Definitely dreaming for the future, unless I’m reminiscing with old friends. That’s fun. But day to day, I am much more future oriented. There’s much about my past that I don’t like. I don’t want to forget it, exactly, but I don’t want to spend much time wandering around it. The pleasant memories are, well, pleasant, but now I have today, and it’s heading in one direction only.
What do you find most memorable about this year's Lent?
That I actually thought, “Hey, it’s Lent. Maybe I should do something special.” I have hardly ever given thought to Lent. I grew up in a tradition that ignored anything that smacked of high church or Catholic ritual, so Lent simply didn’t appear on my radar. This year I’ve been reading some scripture with the girls and talking about the days leading up to Easter. I can’t say that I’ve necessarily been more reflective, but I’ve been more intentional.
How will you spend your time during this upcoming Holy Week? What part do you look forward to most?
I hope to do a prayer walk at my church. That’s something new this year, I think, sort of like Stations of the Cross. I will continue to talk with the girls about the meaning of Christ’s death and resurrection. And, you know what? I’d really like to watch Jesus Christ Superstar again. I have fond memories of seeing it as a child, and although I usually have an aversion to that particular writer and lyricist (why can’t I remember their names?), I love the songs in Jesus Christ Superstar. I watched it last year with the girls. DramaQueen was a bit annoyed—“Why did it stop there when he died? Where’s the part where he wakes up again?” Very perceptive of her, because I didn’t think about it—I automatically fill in that blank.

And then, on the crass materialistic level, I have Easter basket supplies to buy and Easter baskets to assemble. I don’t know when Easter became a second Christmas in terms of gift giving. During the years I wasn’t watching, I guess. But, I sheepishly admit, despite the fact that fatuous consumerism dimays me, I like Easter baskets. I like roaming the aisles filled with bubbles and activity books, jellybeans, outdoor play equipment, plastic eggs, sidewalk chalk, chocolate bunnies and all that. There’s an exuberance to it—misdirected and misplaced, but exuberance nonetheless. My compromise with my conscience is to include in the basket a couple things that will encourage exercise and play. I don’t see the point of all the bunny and egg-themed stickers, coloring books, do-dads, and such, since no one wants to see all that the day after. I find Jesus tchotchkes really annoying. We don’t need another 12-piece puzzle of the cross or “real meaning of Easter” gegaws. Appreciate the message—dislike the self-satisfied smugness of countering secular consumerism with Christian consumerism. And jellybeans. I love jellybeans.

Abby Update Links

2008-03-13T09:41:00.000-05:00

www.caringbridge.org/visit/abbyswartz

www.caring4abby.com

Rev Gals Friday Five - Hope

2008-03-07T14:33:00.001-05:00

This Friday Five was conceived by Sally, who says: It has been a difficult week here in Dowham Market, and yet in the sadness there have been signs of real hope, young people, often criticised have shown us how caring and amazing they are. It has also been a strange week; it snowed for almost the first time this winter, and yet many of the spring bulbs are blooming, and the trees are blossoming!I believe that if we look carefully we can see signs of hope all around us.... as for signs of spring... well you tell me....Bluebells in my garden, before the snow!

What have you seen/ heard this week that was a :

1. Sign of hope?

I must not be very perceptive. Either that or my memory is particularly dull. There were a couple of bright sunny days that made me feel that spring approaches.

2. An unexpected word of light in a dark place?

Again, I think my memory is shot. I did hear something encouraging, not for me personally, but for a coworker whose husband has lymphoma of the brain. The latest MRI was clear. That was really happy news.

3. A sign of spring?

A few warm, sunny days with brilliant blue skies and puffy clouds. The days are getting longer, which gives me a boost on the way home.

4. Challenging/ surprising?

I am abnormally fatigued this week, enough to make a doctor appointment. My mind has wandered off into the world of possible ailments: Perimenopause? Cancer? Hypothyroid? Anemia? I have this dread that one more stone is going to be added to the heap of medical challenges we face.

5. Share a hope for the coming week/month/year....

Week: I have an excisional biopsy to get through, and I want it to be completely unproblematic. Month: We have to pay a number of medical bills to meet the insurance requirements for out of pocket expenses, so I hope we can deal with that this month. Year: I would like to buy a house, but it seems so far off financially. I want Dear Husband to find his career path.

Bonus play... a piece of music/ poem guaranteed to cheer you?

See my post below about Solsbury Hill, by Peter Gabriel. It never fails to make me feel hopeful.

Life's Soundtrack

2008-03-05T17:33:00.002-05:00

When illusion spin a net
I’m never where I want to be
And liberty she pirouette
When I think that I am free

In the series of books I’ve been reading, the Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer, the author posts a playlist she listened to while writing the book, its “soundtrack.” What would the soundtrack to your life be? Would you play music contemporary with each stage of life? Or something thematically applicable? Instrumental, classical, alternative, pop, jazz, rock?

There are songs that can transfix you. Every element--your environment, your thoughts, the landscape before you, the lyrics, the music, your emotions, your longings—snap into place seamlessly. I suppose these moments are what James Joyce referred to as epiphanies. Life suddenly reveals a deeper meaning, but not one you feel like putting into words. A meaning that doesn’t explain anything or answer any questions.

My parents never turned on the radio when I was growing up, and they never listened to records, either. My mom would sometimes burst into song, but she rarely knew all the lyrics and would trail into humming. I was born in 1966, and there was quite a bit of interesting music, but I rarely heard it. The local radio stations weren’t very current, either. When I was five or six, I was sitting in the front seat of my dad’s car (in the days before airbags and booster seats), and he had the radio on. A song unlike anything I had heard before came on. I thought it was beautiful. The song was Light My Fire by the Doors. I didn’t start begging for an album—I wouldn’t have known there was such a thing to beg for—but I still remember that first encounter with music that made me feel excited and exuberant and different from my normal self.

My musical taste in the 70s was an embarrassment. I wouldn’t listen to any of that stuff now. I even had a Shaun Cassidy record. Sheesh. I didn’t have passionate feelings about music, and I thought most of the bands looked unwashed and unkempt, and not in a cool way, and the lyrics would cut out so you could hear endless guitar solos. I mean, Lynard Skynard seemed to be the soundtrack of Albany GA. I got so sick of hearing Free Bird.

On one trip, our car broke down in Dade County, Alabama. Some local law enforcement fellows had mercy on us and brought us in to the sheriff’s office to make arrangements. It was getting very late. My dad called one of my brothers to come get us, but he lived some distance away. So we waited and the sheriff talked to my parents. I had never seen anything quite as unsettling as that sheriff. He was portly, and he talked a lot about his big house with a fountain. He wore large gold rings on his fingers. As inexperienced as I was with the world, I was very uncomfortable and glad to get the heck out of there when my brother arrived. It was very late at that point, and I lay down in the back seat to sleep. As I was drifting off, Hotel California came on the radio. I had never heard it before. I ever after associated it with that ride through the dark, away from the probably corrupt sheriff.

Then came MTV. By the time it hit us, punk was just a memory, a bit of background noise to the New Wave, New Romantic sounds. Oh, man, British music floored me. Where has this been all my life, I wondered? And alternative music—whoa, no more Free Bird, no more KISS, no more AC/DC, hurrah! I chuckle when I hear our local station play retro 80s music. I’m already a has-been. And now the music does sound a bit quaint.

Since then I’ve gone through a jazz phase, a classical and opera phase, and a world music phase. And then I finally discovered the Beatles, the Stones, The Band—all the music I didn’t hear growing up and which I could finally enjoy now that I know longer had to be hip.

And now, I don’t know. I like to pick up the new U2 albums when they come out. I listen happily to samplers from Paste magazine, but I don’t think I’ve purchased a CD in over a year. Every now and then I will hear a new song that startles me. Or I hear an old song that I had forgotten and that still has the power to lift me above my everyday concerns.

The lyrics above are from Solsbury Hill by Peter Gabriel, one of my all-time favorite musicians. I did not hear this song when it first came out, but much much later, after the Shock the Monkey album and So. I don’t remember what was happening the first time I heard it, but from the opening bars, it had me. Something about this song makes me tense up expectantly. Expecting what I’m not sure. It’s liberating and joyful, looking out over life’s possibilities.

DramaQueen surprises me yet again

2008-02-29T16:12:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to de-heathenize my offspring, I have been reading through a series of scripture passages for Lent. I grew up Southern Baptist, and Lent was one of the oddities we heard of only in connection with lessons about why Catholics got it wrong. Anyway, I’ve been reading these passages and meeting no resistance whatsoever, which has floored me. I mean, it hasn’t stopped Firecracker from reading Chicka Chicka Boom Boom—she’s only interested in counting right now--but DramaQueen has been quite attentive, even asking a few questions. At one point she asked me if I liked reading the Bible, and I said that I did except for the parts with long lists of names. Her eyes lit up, “Lists? I love lists! Show me.” So for the past few nights she has been going over the genealogy in the opening of Matthew. She loves the odd names. She also started reading the Psalms, after I read one to her. I haven’t dared to comment in any way. For some reason a parent’s enthusiasm can completely stifle a child’s interest. I don’t know why, but it was true for me as a child, too. When parents get excited, expectations follow, and the burden is just too tiring.

I find it interesting that the parts of the Bible that I found most tedious and skipped right over, she seems to relish. Well, I haven’t tried her on Chronicles yet. Or Leviticus. I did tell her about some of the purity laws, which, being a typical young person, she pronounced “stupid.’

On another note, she came home from school one day and asked me if I knew about Bloody Mary, because her friend T had seen her in the mirror that morning. Might like to throttle T, who is obviously a little storyteller. I would have liked DramaQueen to skip hearing about that lovely ritual for a few more years. It doesn’t help that I still can’t look into a mirror in the dark because of that stupid story.

To figure out why the Bloody Mary story persists among young girls, I did some research and found an article about Bloody Mary as a ritual for pre-menarche girls: bathrooms, darkness, blood. Some variations of the ritual include flushing toilets, which I had not heard of before. An interesting, theory, I think. Of course there’s also the aspect of divination, which was probably associated with women anyway. None of this rational explanation will make it any easier for me to look in a mirror in the dark. A mirror seems too much like a portal. I don’t know why I’m so susceptible to this stuff.

Friday Five -- Heaven

2008-02-22T17:01:00.002-05:00

This week's RevGal Friday Five is about Heaven--what do we find heavenly, perfect, etc.

1. Family get-together
The perfect family get-together would include my mom, who died in 2001. I would love for her to see how DramaQueen has grown, and meet Firecracker, whose birth she missed; and I would like them to meet her, to be able to hear her voice and sit in her lap. All my brothers would be there as well. They are all musical, and it is always so much fun to hear them play together. My dad would have brought in a load of vegetables from his garden for mom to cook, and even though I never particularly liked her cooking, it would be a joy to eat it.

2. Song or musical piece
Dead Can Dance make music that stirs in me a feeling of transcendence and eternity. There is usually an edge of melancholy. Why does melancholy seem to open the doors to the eternal?

3. Gift
Books. Always books. I hope the afterlife has a library. With a café.

4. You choose whatever you like-food, pair of shoes, vacation, house, or something else. Just tell us what it is and what a heavenly version of it would be.
Oh, yes, the heavenly version of chocolate would have no calories. We could eat simply for the sensual pleasure of taste and texture and variety, without worrying about sustenance and health. The vegetables will actually taste like something—no more cottony tomatoes or enormous flavorless cucumbers. Hmm, heaven will have a version of my dad’s garden.

5. And for a serious moment, or what would you like your entrance into the next life to be like?
Swift. No pain or suffering, of course. I would not like to experience what my mom did, dying of leukemia after a harsh round of chemo. I want to be old, I want to be at home, and I want to drift to sleep, and wake up happy.

What, from your vantage point now, would make Heaven "heavenly?"
I want heaven to be like earth as God meant it to be. I want there to be books, conversations, nature walks, music, art, dancing.

Life bites; if only I could bite back

2008-02-20T17:13:00.001-05:00

As usual, when life gets stressful, I take refuge in books. Right now I’m reading the Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer. I love books about vampires. I was really into the Ann Rice novels—such elegant vampires with such poetic and philosophical musings, not to mention an eroticism that was creepy and compelling. In the end vampire stories all seem to be about sex dressed up in gothic clothes with nowhere to go.

The Twilight series is about a teenage girl, Bella, and a vampire boy, Edward, who fall desperately in love. And I do mean desperately—teen love ramped up and kicked into overdrive. Then the novel piles on the complications, misunderstandings, danger and conflict. It’s all very Wuthering Heights, although Catherine would think Bella a wimp, and I always thought Catherine and Heathcliff were so immensely unpleasant that I grew impatient with the sturm and drang.. The books refer to both Wuthering Heights and Romeo and Juliet a lot, which is apt, since Bella and Edward think their lives will end without each other, which they demonstrate with much dramatic hullaballoo. Really, this is fabulous. I love this kind of stuff, even if Bella is a spineless masochist and Edward is unrelentingly gorgeous, annoyingly noble. They can’t do much in the way of physical contact, since his kiss could kill her. Talk about repression. Bella does a lot of swooning and Edward seems to be in a constant state of anguish trying to keep from loving her to death. Interesting, huh? He loves her so much his impulse is to kill her. Of course he doesn’t want to—it’s his biology he’s resisting. Well, I wouldn’t look too closely at the male/female dynamics here—it spoils the fun and critics are so tiresome when they start berating books for not being feminist enough. (I read one such criticism and wondered if the reviewer thought it would be best not to read Dickens because his female characters are ridiculous. But I could go into a long diatribe about those who think we should read only what’s proper and healthy for us in order to maintain a good literary hygiene.) There’s a werewolf vying for her affections as well. Talk about a tumultuous romantic life. As I said, vampire novels seem to be about desire that is never satisfied, which doesn’t really want to be satisfied because the tension of not being satisfied is so intoxicating.

There are other vampires out to get Bella, so you’d think Edward would just turn her into one to protect her, but he refuses. Why? Well, because if he didn’t there wouldn’t be a story, now would there? The moment they’re on an equal footing, the plot will have to find a new focus. Oh, and the werewolf is bound by pack law to kill any vampire who bites a human, so it looks like we’ve got a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation (ha ha). I have one more book of tortured indecision before the grand finale (coming out in August), and I think I’m 39th on the waiting list at our library. Edward, for pete’s sake turn her into a vampire already and hightail it out of werewolf territory. After a while a tortured conscience just gets boring. Bella, you’re going to have to decide between the vampire and the werewolf and just deal with it. If you want to be a vampire so badly, get one of the others to change you. Sheesh. It’s not like Edward is the only vampire in town.

Home Again

2008-02-17T16:14:00.002-05:00

The moment we got home yesterday, Firecracker was knocking on our neighbor's door, eager to see her playmates. Except for the head full of staples, you would never know doctors had been messing around in her brain. She should be able to go back to school this week, with instructions to keep other kids from touching the incisions. The hospital gave us a set of staple removers, which we are to take with us to the follow up appointment. They look rather scary, and given how many staples I see, I'm a bit nervous about that appointment.

2008-02-15T06:28:00.000-05:00

I can't wait to get home.

Yesterday afternoon they disconnected Firecracker from all the brain wiring. All that's left is to remove the connections from the brain. I could tell how relieved she was to feel a little bit more free. I hope the second surgery will be much easier, with less nausea and pain. She misses DramaQueen and her classmates. Her teachers came to visit. Both the morning and afternoon bus drivers called, and one came to visit. Church members have come with gifts, toys for the girls and time for Dear Husband and me to slip away for fresh air and a bit of normality. Her room is bright with posters that friends/coworkers made for her. All the doctors and nurses and visitors commented on them. MIL has been taking care of our house and DramaQueen. We've had a lot of support far and wide through prayer and gifts. I am thankful for that. I don't know how people cope with something like this on their own.

2008-02-14T23:12:00.000-05:00

Now What?

So, in the 20 years that the neurosurgeon has been performing this procedure, he has only had to take out a grid without doing surgery a few times. Now he can add Firecracker to the list. What a ride. So now we have to think of other options. Oddly Abby has still not had another seizure, and now they've started her back on the meds.

Tomorrow they will take out the grids and we'll go home sometime this weekend. It's a disappointing turn of events. And we've missed Valentine's Day.

2008-02-13T16:50:00.000-05:00

Aw Crap.

It looks as if they may not be able to go forward with surgery to remove the tuber. The neurologist came in and told me that they fear the seizure focus is too close to the motor area. I didn't get all the ins and outs of this. The neurosurgeon is going to come tomorrow and show us all the charts and explain it in detail. Part of the problem is that Firecracker has had only one seizure since we came in. That's just weird. But that one seizure gave them pause because of the way it spread. They won't remove a tuber if they don't get any return--decrease in seizures. So, here we are. Poor Firecracker is irritated beyond belief by this turban, and she's starting to get a bit restless. Dear Husband is beyond sad. I'm sad, too, although I tend to be resigned to these sorts of setbacks. I'd rather they called it off than damage her motor strip. But we were so hopeful that removing the tuber would help get rid of the seizures and thus give her a boost in development.

But, the neurologist did mention that there are other surgical methods besides resectioning that can be performed. Whether or not the neurosurgeon sees any benefit to any of them remains to be seen.

2008-02-10T09:54:00.000-05:00

9:44 am Sunday

Firecracker is watching Mickey Mouse and nibbling at her breakfast. She is better today than I've seen her. She spent some time on Cartoon Network playing games. She's complaining of itching and trying to pull at the gauze turban and the fat sheet of wiring that's coming out. The room is decorated by may colorful posters from friends. We must have the brightest room here. And yesterday her nurses brought her a present and a balloon, and some cake and ice cream. That was sooo sweet. A friend from church brought her a valentine webkinz frog, which Firecracker has dubbed "Love." Next door is a family whose little boy is having the same procedure. He's ready to get up and MOVE, poor fellow, but he's stuck in the bed with the video monitor. They brought over a little stuffed rhino for Abby, which was awfully nice. We shared stories of bewilderment and struggles with diagnoses and mis-diagnoses. So many doctors know so little that parents end up having to educate them. Thankfully there are resources for that, but not all doctors are receptive or will take the time to do the reading and calling around to TS clinics and the like.

Dear Husband is bringing me coffee again. Last night the sweetie went out and got me Chinese food. Heaven. Cause the cafeteria food leaves something to be desired. It's not awful, but it has a reconstituted feel about it. The French toast and pancakes are a bit rubbery, and the sandwiches look like something I would put together at home when I'm running out of ingredients. The best thing are the potato chips--they have salt and vinegar and lime with black pepper.

Firecracker is missing her sister. She came by yesterday with a birthday present, bought with her own money. DramaQueen is such a lovely girl (most of the time). She got Firecracker a Batmobil. We certainly aren't hurting for amusements. The little hospital library has a nice bunch of books and videos for kids, and there are a lot of games available. I even found some books for myself. Of course, mostly I'm just tired, collecting various aches and pains. Thankfully a friend brought over an air mattress, which greatly improved my sleep last night. I can't seem to get quite enough, though.

No seizures yet.

2008-02-09T08:31:00.000-05:00

Oh good grief. Somehow all my posts have gone to Baby Blessingway instead of to my Bad Alice blog. That's because there's a stupid (no doubt precautionary etc etc policy, but it inconveniences me so I'm selfishly cranky) hospital policy that blocks access to all personal networking sites. I'm having to post from Google Docs, and I'm hoping my setting will now stay put. Songbird, thank you for alerting me to this. Let me know if this goes to the wrong place again. I'm afraid I can't remove them from Blessingway until I'm away from the hospital.

Anyway, Firecracker is looking much better but still pretty groggy. No seizures yet. Yeah, we have to hope for seizures so they can get all the info they need. We could get out of here early if that happened. My sleep was just grand. Lights have to stay on for video monitoring, and it seemed like every few minutes an IV alarm would sound. I just pretended to be asleep because I was too tired to move. Firecracker slept through it thanks to morphine. For the most part. She woke up a few times having to go to the bathroom, which means wielding the strangely flimsy plastic bedpan, which seems designed so that your child's bottom can rest in whatever she yields. Everyone keeps fussing over how uncomfortable she looks, because her head keeps flopping down to one side. Well, what can I do about it? She has a mound of gauze and wiring around her head, which pushes it forward. Real comfortable. Now, if they had a memory foam pillow, perhaps it could accommodate this strange gigantic head.

Here come the meds. The challenge is to convince Firecracker that she needs to swallow them.

The Endocrinologist Revisited, or Dear Husband's Day from HELL

2008-02-03T18:03:00.000-05:00

Friday was quite an adventure for Dear Husband, who had to take Firecracker to the hospital for presurgery assessment and a visit to the dear old endocrinologist. You can read a full report here.

On a positive note, Firecracker's birthday party was yesterday. A dear friend opened her house for the party, and her husband dressed up as a pirate. We had treasure maps for the kids, and they had set up an obstacle course and a bouncy room in the basement. The treasure hunt was kind of chaotic, and one little girl kept disappearing and once tried to insert herself between the couch and the wall. There was one total meltdown when a little girl called a little boy "baby", and the pirate had to comfort him. One child had a peanut allergy, which I only heard about the morning of the party, so the store-bought cake was off limits, and for some reason the ice cream we provided brought tears to her eyes. I also got to meet the little boy that Firecracker has talked about quite a bit "Today Eric was nice to me," "Today Eric was mean to me," "Eric is my friend," "Eric says he's not my friend" (said with sobs), and even "This Friday Eric is going to be mean to me." Already Eric knows how to string a girl along. You can tell he will grow up to be quite a heartbreaker--dark hair, big eyes, charming smile. A good party altogether. The kids seem to really like each other--every time a new arrival appeared at the door there was general hysteria, as if the latest pop star had appeared.

I never wrote about DramaQueen's party. We took 10 girls to see a local production of High School Musical. And survived. I was worried that we might need some entertainment, games or something during the home portion, but 10 8-year-olds need nothing. One wise little girl told me that she knew why Vanessa Hudgens got in trouble, but (whispering in my ear) she wouldn't talk about it.

Between these two parties and Christmas, the play room is about to burst apart. We have almost as much Play-Doh as Toys R Us, and DramaQueen has three Hannah Montana dolls, all slightly different. And the number of WebKinz is rapidly growing, because DramaQueen has saved up quite a bit of cash. Ganz has a good thing going: like beanie babies with their own internet site. DramaQueen frequently checks to see which ones are being retired, and bewails her fate, that she does not have the Pegasus, or the Unicorn, or what have you.

Well, off I go. Next week is going to be stomach churning.

Afterthought: If you are familiar with High School Musical, i.e. if you have girls between the age of 5 and 18, you really must check out this Indian version of All for One.

The Friday Five: Superbowl and Saints

2008-02-01T09:21:00.000-05:00

Sally at Eternal Echoes writes;
There is so much going on this weekend that I thought I'd provide an options Friday 5!!!!

First Superbowl ( someone explain to this Brit the significance)- love it or hate it?

5 reasons please!!!!! I can’t explain it—I don’t like football at all and don’t know one team from another. I can give you 5 reasons it annoys me:
1. It’s taking up valuable TV time.
2. People talk about it as if it’s important.
3. Magazines and newspapers are full of dumb articles about how to host a Superbowl party.
4. I find the rules of football immensely boring.
5. The players are paid a ridiculous amount of money and the advertisers pay a ridiculous amount of money to inspire us to buy more stuff, and then we get to hear about how much a Superbowl advertising spot costs, and who paid the most, blah blah blah. At least some of the commercials are entertaining—but I can always watch those on YouTube later.
Second Candlemas/ Imbloc/ Groundhog day/ St Brigid's day- all of these fall on either the 1st or 2nd February.

I do, however, offer this link on how Famous Authors Predict the Winner of the Superbowl.

1. Do you celebrate one or more of these? Some of these I’ve never even heard of? What’s Imbloc? What’s Candlemas? Are they pagan holidays? And I imagine if so that there is a direct connection between them and St. Brigid. But no, I don’t celebrate any of these.
2. How? N/A
3. Is this a bit of fun or deeply significant? N/A
4. Are festivals/ Saints days important to you? Nope. I don’t know the saints and my Southern Baptist upbringing has imbued me with a resistance to the whole saint thing, not to mention paganism. It’s not that I have a problem with people celebrating saints or the great goddess, just that it has no appeal to me on any level. Except that I like the artwork inspired by saints, and I find syncretism interesting.
5.Name your favourite Saints day/ celebration. I don’t have one except Christmas.

Bonus- 2nd Feburary is also my Birthday- I will donate £1.00 for every comment on my Friday Five Post to the Methodist Relief and Development Fund.
That’s a great thing for you to do! As you can see, it inspired me to talk about football! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SALLY!

Dear Mr. Endocrinologist

2008-01-30T13:59:00.001-05:00

I understand that we were supposed to visit you 6 months ago; however, it proved extremely difficult to juggle our various priorities and medical concerns. 2007 was hell. We went through breast cancer, mastectomy, reconstructive surgery, a week-long in hospital video EEG, immune disorders, a diagnosis for our child that threw us for a loop, reconstructive surgery, and did I mention more reconstructive surgery? And 2008 isn’t looking so great, either. Today I am using my non-existent sick leave to visit you, prior to the non-existent sick leave I will have to take for my daughter’s week-long surgery, for which I will receive no salary, much as we need the salary to cover deductibles, co-pays for doctors and specialists such as yourself, and the $1000 a year in meds that we require.

So, amaze me. Pull out all the stops. Demonstrate all you know about the connection between the endocrine system and tuberous sclerosis. Order some more tests. Examine my daughter from head do toe. Because I better be here for more than you glancing at my daughter for a few minutes and handing me a prescription.

Sincerely,
Very ticked off mother