The Ted Lilly Fan Club

TLFC Winter Meetings Preview

2009-12-07T01:43:00.000-08:00

December is a hard month around the TLFCHQ. While our happy labors including cleaning up the Special Place and working on the cloning machine, but none of that distracts us from the looming pain of the TLFC Winter Meetings.

Ohh, you thought we were going to Preview the GM Winter Meetings in Sunny Indianapolis? Wrong. You see, every year, first week of December we board up the HQ, pack into our TLFC trailer and head north to a secluded island in Lake-Of-The-Woods, near Kenora, Ontario. There we hold the TLFC Winter Meetings where this year the agenda/break out sessions include:

Not Freezing to Death
Catching Fish to Support Ourselves
Warm, How Do We Keep This Way?

But the real focus, of course, is on how we can be a better Ted Lilly Fan Club for you Tedheads. One of the bigger issues to discuss is whether we switch from wearing a Wool Shirt on the days TL loses or, rather, simply a giant Scarlet Letter "L" until the next Ted start?

The other "hot" topic, will be a group meditation - naked, in the snow - on Ted's status as a pending Free Agent and how the shoulder surgery will effect his Cubs career in 2009 and beyond. Reason for being naked? We want to simulate the pain of loneliness without Ted.

So while the GM's of the world hob-nob in then Sunny Sunshine and Sultry nightlife of great Indy trying to make their teams better, we'll be huddling together in the snow, kept warm by thoughts of TL and Lillyhammers to come.

Before we leave, any other hot topics for us to discuss in the frozen tundra?

Sign TL's "Get Well' Card, Aid in TL's Clever Ruse

2009-11-24T03:16:00.002-08:00

Tim Visits Ted at TL's FOOSS, but only Ted's head is there, Ted's body is out running - Rocky Style - in the Arctic Snow.

We all know that Ted's 'surgery' is really cover to inspire his teammates to overcome great odds, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't wish him well in his "recovery." Now, thanks to the veritable Mo' Theresa, Tim Souers, over at Cubby-Blue, you can send your love to TL, virtually! Tim has put together a virtual Get Well card for all Tedheads to sign. Once Friday comes along, Tim's going to trek to Ted's Fortress Of Offseason Solitude (FOOSS) and present it to our Hero along with an offering of fine meats and cheeses - we suggest you get over there and wish TL well.

Forget the TL surgery, Grabow and Gregg are Type A

2009-11-11T00:47:00.000-08:00

Holy F'ing crap Tedheads. We know we promised a few weeks off (again, it's not you, it's us) and we know we kept this distance even in the face of shocking Ted News, but Holy F'ing Crap, we had to say something about this:

Kevin Gregg and John Grabow are Type A free agents! (gasp!) Joining The G-men in Type A land is Cubbie favorite LaTroy Hawkins (double gasp!!). Rich Harden, by the way, is a Type "B" free agent.

For the uninitiated, a Type "A" classification means the player, according to Elias Sports, is in the top 20% of free agents while Type "B" implies the player is between 21% -40% of Free Agents. Signing a Type "A" forces a signing team to give up a draft pick, generally late first round or the absurdly confusing Sandwich Round Pick, as compensation if the players original team offered arbitration to the player.

The type classifications adds a sneaky element to Free Agency, adding additional costs to FA's, and the opportunity for a little gamesmanship with your fellow GM's. But that's irrelevant because the Cubs already said goodbye to Gregg and are working on an extension for Grabow. Cub's also have shown no indication they'll go to arbitration with Harden.

So why are we incredulous? It's because the media didn't mention how Dr. Lewis Yocum went temporary blind after peering inside Ted's shoulder and that Dr. Yocum needed to finish the surgery just by feel - eerily similar to the Lionel Richie "Hello" video.

No really, why should Tedheads be super incredulous? Elias rankings are horribly, horribly flawed. In the 2007 MLB draft, the Toronto Blue Jays received the 56th pick (a Sandwich Pick!) as compensation for the Cubs signing Ted Lilly - a Type B free agent.*

Now, the only thing possibly Type B about TL is his blood, but even that's in question because of the amount of ice, steel, and grit flowing around in there. But there's something a bit odd to us about Gregg and Grabow being Type A guys. That's basically implying that Kevin Hart, who Cubs traded for Grabow, is a Type A guy and, well, Kevin Gregg is Kevin Gregg.

As always, we have no solution to this problem. Nor can we really speak to the process and the Cubs historical success / failure towards with it. What peeved us was the stupidity of the whole thing, but besides that we offer nothing to you Tedheads. What we can do is bring you some good old fashion nonsense with a bit of Ted worshipping sprinkled in. It's essentially a 'Teddycall from our break, hope you don't mind. We promise to call, maybe.

See you soon.

* The Blue Jays picked something called Trystan Magnuson for their trouble - apparently they thought they were giving up Ted "Strongest Man In The World" Lilly for Magnus "Strongest Man In the World" Magnuson... they were horribly wrong.

Lights Out At TLFC... We're home, but we're sitting in the dark alone... again

2009-11-01T03:54:00.000-08:00

Some say on Autumn nights, you can see TLFC walking the streets alone

Hey there Tedheads, it's us, TLFC. We'd like to post, but what the heck are we going to discuss?

Ted's clearly doing 1k abs a day while running hills with the literal weight of the world on his shoulders and all our hopes and dreams on his back - how is that new and fresh?
Joe Buck is doing his best to make us hate baseball - why would be go negative when we're already on record as saying he's the spawn of Satan?
Bud Selig's absurd drive for profits makes it near impossible for us to watch post-season baseball - why whine about us having to stay up past out bed time to here how Nick Swisher keeps that clubhouse loose?
The Phillies rolled out Pedro Martinez, to Chan Ho Park, to Scott Eyre in sequence. Ladies and Gentlemen, the NL Champions! Why bluster about how absurd it is that this is the team that bested our Cubs?

We think it's best for everyone if we take a little break. It's not you, it's us. We need some time to think. Maybe we'll travel a bit, maybe we'll try a few new things... you should do the same. Grow up some. We love you Tedheads, we just aren't in Love with you right now*.

What do you say we get together, have some dinner maybe, in a couple of weeks?

Warmly,

TLFC

* - not true, we are in Love with you, but needed to say that for the break-up metaphor.

Lights Out At TLFC. We

2009-10-27T03:54:00.001-07:00

On Eve Of 2nd Round Of MLB Playoffs, Ted Lilly Fan Club Sits Down With Nostradamus

2009-10-14T06:54:00.000-07:00

On the eve of the second round of the MLB playoffs, we decided that we would grow up a little bit by putting away the magic eight ball (sorry little buddy) and stepping up our game a bit. The result? A TLFC exclusive! A one-on-one interview with famed prognosticator and French apothecary Michel de Nostredame aka Nostradamus to get his predictions about the Phils/Dodgers and Yanks/Halos series AND other random tidbits.

TLFC: Nostradamus--welcome to the Ted Lilly Fan Club loft--happy to have you here.

N: Thanks--i just flew in from the year 1566 and boy are my arms tired! Yuck yuck yuck.

TLFC: Ummmm---okay. Anyway, let's start off with the New York Yankees match-up with the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. What are your thoughts on the series?

N: I see that the young lion will overcome the older one,On the field of combat in a single battle;He will pierce his eyes through a golden cage,Two wounds made one, then he dies a cruel death.

TLFC: It sounds like you're picking up the upstart Angles to beat the more veteran-laden Yankees?

N: Yep---Kazmir is sick, defense is gold glove-friendly and the Yanks move to a three-man rotation in seven game series is most unwise--like that Nazi picking the wrong chalice in "Last Crusade".

TLFC: How about the Phils/Dodgers?

N: An Emperor shall be born near Italy. Who shall cost the Empire dear, They shall say, with what people he keeps company He shall be found less a Prince than a butcher.

TLFC: Are you talking about Tommy LaSorda, Special Advisor to the GM of the Dodgers? Pretty sure that he was actually born in Pennsylvania.

N: Mark my words heathen---this emperor thou dost embrace nutrisystem in jest. He shall mark the downfall of the empire.

TLFC: Okay--settle down, you're clearly picking the Phils. What else?

N: I'm getting another vision, another prophecy: He shall come to tyrannize the land. He shall raise up a hatred that had long been dormant.

TLFC: Any idea what this means?

N: Not sure--this happens a lot when I don't take my meds but, if I had to guess, I'd say that it probably has to do w/ John Cusack's new movie, 2012. Guy had so much promise but has really gone off the deep end into bad movie territory. I mean, did you see Ice Harvest or Must Love Dogs? Ugh---I'd take a 1000 years in hell if it meant I didn't have to see a Seredipity II.

TLFC: This is clearly getting weird. Any last thoughts? We need to, ummmmm, errgggghhh, go someplace other than here.

N: Yes--final thought---from the sky will come the great King of Terror. He will bring back to life the King of the Mongols; Before and after war reigns.

TLFC: Joe Buck? Is he and his terrible announcing the King of Terror? Wow...

N: Be afraid, be very afraid...

Sorry Fanhouse, Matt Holliday Deserves No Sympathy

2009-10-13T11:13:00.000-07:00

While normally the sports site, Fanhouse, is chock full of interesting articles and analysis (excluding anything by Jay Mariotti), today, they simply went too far with their piece entitled, "Let's Give Holliday A Break" around his blunder in the 9th inning of game two of the STL/LAD series.

Author Terence Moore contends that, "folks should lay off Matt Holliday just a little" and procedes to list a few other examples of professional sports blunders including our own Leon Durham in the 1984 NLCS and former Cub Buckner in 1986.

His contention is that, while the errors are not ideal, they are not the sole reason that any one team lost the game or series. Our contention is that Terence Moore is an idiot.

I mean, really? We're supposed to feel sympathy for Holliday? Lest you forget, Holliday makes $13,500,000 a year to play a game. His only job is to hit the ball, play defense and determine a clever name for his foundation. While the rest of the country faces a recession, rising unemployment, a potential nuclear Iran, we should all get out our wah-wah tissues and shed a tear for Matt Holliday? No thank you. We'd take our Ted Lilly Fan Club Time Machine and travel back to 1908 to see our Cubs win the World Series against the Tigers.

Even worse is Holliday's excuse: That he lost the ball in the Busch Stadium lights. Wow--that's the best he can do? Shouldn't Cardinals PR head Brian Bartow be able to come up w/ something better than that? Maybe Holliday's dog eat his homework too?

Sure--as Cubs fans, we are bred to hate the Cardinals so we're clearly biased but it's insane to think that Holliday deserves any measure of sympathy for messing up. He had a job to do and he failed. Clear as day. Enjoy your off-season Mr. Holliday.

Photo above is from Darren Cummings, AP

Ted Lilly Fan Club "Tedtastic" Player of the Day: Matt Holliday

2009-10-09T03:18:00.000-07:00

Ouch.

Ouch for two reason.

First - Ouch: replay's of Matt Holliday's outfield gaffe indicate that his man- parts now likely reside deep within his body cavity. For all you Lady Tedheads out there, the result direct impact of a hard hit, line drive, baseball into a man's nether regions is not fun. Late last night we replicated the situation with out Ted Lilly Fan Club Pitching Machine and Line Drive Simulator (TLFCPMALDS) and our jaws still remain clenched on a strip of raw hide. Fortunately, The State had us sterilized to prevent reproduction, so no harm - no foul.

Second - Ouch: our friends from the eighth circle of hell, St. Louis, can't be too pleased right now. Sure, our Missouri backwater brethren, those "true fans of baseball" are probably holding on blissfully to the possibility of a comeback, but then again, they're also probably holding out for a repeal of the Nineteenth Amendment.

Matt Holliday, guess what? We don't blame you and no one else should. Let us see, two outs, bottom of the ninth, no one on base. A diving line drive in the late afternoon LA sun, you make an error. We might be old school, but up a run, man on first, two outs is still an enviable position. We're going to go ahead and blame LaRussa - he was likely drunk driving while petting animals and didn't have the appropriate mindset to settle his team down.

Tedheads, this is a win-win for us. St. Louis wins this series, you're treated to another few posts of anti-St. Lousi vitriol, likely with Joe Buck Flavor! St. Louis loses, well, St. Louis losses and we celebrate! Tip of the cap to you, Matt Holiday, for a Tedtastic play!

Ted Lilly Fan Club "Tedtastic" Player of the Day: Matt Kemp

2009-10-08T06:44:00.000-07:00

Clearly, the Cubs not making the playoffs hurts....a lot (we keep repeating that in posts b/c it helps our argument to our psychiatrist that we need more Xanax--official mood suppressor of the TLFC) but the one thing that hurts more is that the god damn St. Louis Cardinals did and, to make matters worse, they are even the Vegas favorites to reach the World Series from the National League.

That said, we watched yesterday's Game 1 in St. Louis w/ joy and glee as Los Dodgers took advantage of a sloppy Chris Carpenter to beat the Cardinals 5-3.

Our Tedtastic Player of the Day? Matt Ryan Kemp. Kemp, who hit a first inning homer off of Carps to give LA the lead and help lead them to the win, is actually nicknamed "the Bison" (all praise to Dodger Thoughts for coining that term) and uses Rick Ross' "the Boss" as his at-bat music.

On a quick side note, if the TLFC was going to have at-bat music, it'd probably be the Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt ballad, "Don't Know Much." Would it pump up the crowd? Maybe, maybe not--but we would all learn a quick lesson about true nature of love.

Clearly, we want the Cardinals to lose...we need them to lose...we require them to lose. If not, we have to wait til December 16th for Blackhawks goon Adam Burish to lay the smackdown on the Blues and, frankly, we don't have that kind of patience.

Virtual tip of the cap, Matt Kemp.

Let's Break Out Ye Ole Magic Eight Ball And Make Some 1st Round Playoff Predictions

2009-10-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

With the first pitch of the Yankees/Twins series only a few hours away, we thought that, with the Cubs dead and buried, we'd turn our attention to the other playoffs series and make a few predictions. Remember--in bizarro world, the Cubs just won the World Series with Ted Lilly getting yet another MVP trophy (sigh) but, in real world, we can only wonder "what if" and buy heavily-discounted parapheneralia at local Sports Authority locations ("oooohhh, a $10 Aaron Miles jersey? Why not...")

First Round Predictions:

Yankees vs. Twins. While we love the "Rudy"-esque moxie of this Twins ballclub, this simply are overmatched versus the Yankees in a five-game set. Sure, Jorge Posada can bitch all he wants about not starting game but that's probably the only "challenge" the Yankees have to face outside of where to find good, NYC-style prostitutes in Minneapolis. Prediction? Yankees sweep, 3-0.

Red Sox vs. Angels. Easily the best first round series of the four---both teams have a surplus of pitching, offense and gold-glove friendly defense. We still can't believe that the Angels somehow added Scott Kazmir to their rotation and think that they'll ultimately emerge victorious after Dice-K implodes. Angels win, 3-1.

Rockies vs. Phillies. Flip side to the Red Sox/Angels tilt, this is easily the worst series of the four. Rockies are on a rocky mountain high after surprisingly making the playoffs despite having Frenchy Marquis as their ace and trading Holliday before the season. Phillies have no bullpen after Brad Lidge did his best Cubs impersonation and channeled the 9th fuitility of the Marmot and the Goggled One. Feels like Rockies in 4 but who cares? they are just chum for the eventual STL/LAD victory in round 2.

Cardinals vs. Dodgers. Italians Unite! Torre vs. LaRussa! Mi piace davvero! Oh yeah, Manny, Pujols, Holliday should be fun too. We clearly want the Dodgers to win b/c a) St. Louis sucks b) a STL loss would give Joe Buck convulsions and c) it heightens the chance that the Dodgers pay tribute to Dodgers 1996 Draft 23rd Round Gem Ted Lilly. Sadly, magic eight-ball says that STL wins 3-2.

Other random predictions:

Ted Lilly will get snubbed by Nobel Foundation. In turn, Ted Lilly Fan Club will burn our living room couches and "What Would Alfred Nobel Do" bumper stickers in protest.
Swine flu will become the most-popular halloween costume of the season, besting the couples costume of Jon + Kate (or triples costume of Jon + Kate + Divorce Lawyer) and concept costume of President Obama's sagging approval rating
International Olympic Committee anonymous source will disclose that real reason Chicago lost the bid for 2016 Olympics was the lack of a TL appearance/autograph session.
Same source will also reveal that Rio got the bid on strength of impromptu performance/dance for IOC members from Charo (despite her Spanish heritage)--cuchi-cuchi-cuchi.
TLFC Magic Eight Ball, responsible for above predictions, will fail miserably in prognostication efforts, fueling speculation that it is, in fact, using eight-balls of cocaine
Cubs superfan and Chicago native Vince Vaughn's latest movie, Couples Retreat, will bomb at the box office and add to his Cubs-esque, really bad run of misses including Fred Claus and Four Christmases. Can Wedding Crashers II be far behind?

Nobel Prizes Awarded; Ted Lilly Snubbed….Again

2009-10-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

Ok—we’ll grant you the Noble Prizes in Physics for Charles K. Kao (who discovered how to transmit light through fiber optics) and the team of Willard S. Boyle and George E. Smith (who designed the first digital-imaging sensor) but Elizabeth Blackburn and team’s Nobel for her research on telomeres (aka the protective ends of chromosomes)? Hog wash.

Where’s Ted Lilly’s prize? Where the f- is Ted Lilly's prize?

Can Elizabeth throw a face-melting Lillyhammer? Nope. Can team member Carol W. Greider carry an entire Cubs team on their back for a season? Not likely. Has third team member Jack W. Szostak been nominated by his colleagues at Howard Hughes Medical Institute for the Roberto Clemente Award? Try again.

Now, Ted has already been awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace (which he later declined to give glory hound Al Gore his 15 minutes of fame) but that was two years ago. Looking down the list of Nobel Prizes that have yet to be awarded, we feel that two make perfect sense to give to Ted to add to his growing (but not important) collection of hardware (which includes a few All-Star Game appearances, a 2009 roster spot on Team USA and a future 2010 Cy Young).

Nobel Prize For Literature: For Ted's book, "It Takes A Lillyhammer" about his ragtag youth and claim to fame as a member of the Fresno City College baseball squad (Go Rams!)
Nobel Prize for Chemistry: For Ted's own examination of his body's molecular structure to determine why he is, in fact, immortal

TBD on whether the "geniuses" in Oslo will wake up and smell the Sanka and give TL the prize but, if not, we have a homemade version of our own (made from old Hersey Kiss foil wrappers, popsicle sticks and some glitter we stole from a Chicago Public School classroom). That said--we wouldn't give it to Ted b/c, let's be honest, that'd be creepy and, as part of our TLFC mandate, we can't cross the 4th wall and actually interact with Ted (result would be akin to blowing up the Death Star but, in this example, even the Ewoks die).

Ted Lilly Fan Club Mailbag: End of Season Edition

2009-10-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

Only a few games left before this miserable wretch of a season is over. While we appreciate Ted Lilly purposely throwing yesterday's game to create a sympathy vote for the 2016 bid, it's still been hard to get up every morning and face the prospect of a Cubs-less post-season. It just doesn't seem right that Joe -fing Buck will get to the postseason and we won't. Sigh.

Anyway, to wrap the virtual bow around this blog season, we thought that we'd throw out a final, end-of-season mailbag. Yes--it's the lazy man's way to blog but, right now, we feel like a fat girl stood up on prom night--just want to sit in bed with our pink bunny slippers, eating rocky road ice cream with a big wooden spoon and watch tivo-ed episodes of Ugly Betty. Sigh. Onto the questions...

With 2016 Olympic host city being announced tomorrow, any chance that Ted might be able to fly over to Denmark and help put in a good word with IOC representatives?-P. Ryan, Chicago, IL (via Copenhagen)

Sadly—no. While Ted is BFF with IOC President Jacque Rogge (TL taught his kids how to throw a curve), Chicago wasn’t smart enough to get Ted involved from the word ‘go’ and, thus, will have to deal with secondary spokespeople like Oprah and the Obamas. However, given that the United States and their television contract pretty much bankrolls the Olympics, we feel pretty confident that Chicago will get the nod. Bigger question is whether Ted will receive the deserved honor of lighting the flame at opening ceremonies in 2016? We think yes and that, instead of using the Olympic torch, Ted will simply throw a Lillyhammer into the mix.

Any update on Ted’s nomination for the Roberto Clemente Award? Anything we can do to help him bring home the trophy? -OJ Reebie, Glenview, IL

Great timing! Tomorrow is actually the last day that TedHeads can get out there and vote for Ted. So, please, do yourself and your soul a favor and click on over to http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/chevy/clemente/index.jsp to vote for Ted. If it only lets you vote once, clear the cookies on your web browser and vote again. It’s Chicago politics time—vote early, vote often, vote Ted. Ted Lilly. Yes.We.Can.

What does Dr. TLFC proscribe for the Cubs in the off-season? Clearly, only winning 80 or so games will not cut it for a $134 million payroll?-A. Macphail, Baltimore, MD

First thing is we need to shake up the rotation. Clearly, Ted is the rock and the Randy Wells Project has clear promise. After that, it gets a little murky. We should have known better than to pay that sort of coin for a Canuck in Dempster but we're stuck w/ him so there's three. We'll join the masses and agree that Harden needs to go and love the idea of a swap of Not-So-Big Z for Peavy. Second, we need some glue guys so let's overpay for The Rose and give Abreu a two-year deal (which we should have done anyway). Third, we need a closer--do we take a run at Billy Wagner or maybe Soriano? TBD...but this should give Hendry some food for thought.

With the demise of the Saturn brand at General Motors, do you think that Honda Motor Co. needs to be concerned about the potential trademark infringement of their Acura TL with the Ted Lilly "TL" brand?--S. Center, Torrance, CA

Wait....S. Center? Torrance, CA? Is this Steven Center? Is this the same Mr. Steven Center who is Vice President of Advertising and Public Relations for Honda? Tsk tsk tsk, sir. We've tried to play nice with earlier emails asking an official apology from Acura but you continue to virtually thumb your nose at Ted Lilly and his legions of car-owning TedHeads. Mess with the bull, get the horns. Or, in this case, mess with the TL brand, force TedHeads worldwide to buy Toyotas.

Do you hear us, Joe Tetherow, Ming-Jou Chen and Sam Butto (PR contacts for Toyota)? This is PR gold for you...contact us at tedlillyrules@gmail.com. Acura has scorned us--we'd gladly welcome opportunity to test drive any of your new and improved Toyota models and blog about it to Cubs fans and TedHeads alike. Shameless blogging? Absolutely but we are serious and would love to stick it to Acura for using/abusing the TL brand.

With Ted Lilly On Mound, It Feels Like A Perfect Time For A TL Montage

2009-09-30T10:59:00.000-07:00

Yep---nothing really to say here. Cubs are terrible. Roster needs to be blown up and we're struggling for legitmate blogging content. Feels like a perfect time for a montage of inane TL imagery from the last few months.

A Inside Look at 2009 Cubs Season In Bizarro World

2009-09-25T08:56:00.000-07:00

Like Chicago summer getaway Door County (official weekend staycation location of the TLFC), much of the Cubs blogosphere has shuttered up their virtual sites for the season and gone back to their normal lives. While a few brave souls continue to blog on and fight the good fight, it has become increasingly difficult to find interesting content - especially here.

Always buoyed by Ted grabbing his lunch pail and going to work on the mound every 5th day, we here at the Ted Lilly Fan Club thought that we’d be 'okay', that we could get by and weather the virtual storm w/ always creepy references to Ted’s abs, immortality and/or increasingly loud cry for yellow cake plutonium for our cloning machine. Unfortunately, w/ Ted being scratched from his most recent start in favor of the Shark, we simply are at a loss for blogging inspiration.

Thankfully, while breaking into TLFC House Mom Brenda’s stash of Virginia Gentlemen bourbon that she keeps in the basement, we caught sight of our old TLFC Alternative Universe Flying Machine (AUFM) and took it out for a spin to check out the Cubs 2009 Season in Bizarro World (truthfully, we did consider making a pit stop at Fords Theater in 1865 to stop future Braves fan John Wilkes Booth but didn't want to mess w/ space time continuum).

A few highlights (or is it lowlights--we're not really sure anymore):

Bizarro Ted Lilly (complete with goatee, #3 jersey and right-handed throwing motion) still mowing down bizarro opponents in route to his tenth straight Cy Young Award.

Fan-Favorite Milton Bradley handing out turkeys, free board games and copies of his book "Sorry! The Milton Bradley Story" to the disadvantaged youth of Chicago

In a surreal moment of joy for the TLFC, Joe Buck was kicked off the air after making an on-air pass at Tim McCarver. Buck, ashamed and saddened, was forced back to his hometown of St. Louis (home of arch-rival Cardinals), which was later consumed by a Mississippi River sea monster

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, Steve Bartman emerged from hiding--only to reveal that he was paid off by Moises Alou in 2003 before the start of the Cubs/Marlins series to purposely interfere with any fly balls that came in his direction during NL playoffs so that no one would blame Alou's urine-sopping hands. Weird? Yep--but this is bizarro world

The American public came to its senses and realized that Charlie Sheen, in addition to being a terrible actor, is also a crazy nutbag (Exhibit A? He broke up w/ Denise Richards. Seriously? Have you seen Wild Things?. Exhibit B? He thinks that 9/11 was an inside job). His punishment? Banished to live w/ Joe Buck in St. Louis (pre-Mississippi River sea monster) and forced to watch "Two and A Half Men" 24 hours/day (wonder what brand of crazy hijinks they'll get into this episode).

Cubs hoist the World Series Trophy as TL gets yet another MVP trophy (sigh). Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Cats and dogs living together. Mass hysteria.

Sadly--we ran out of D batteries for the AUFM and had to return home to recharge but it's an interesting look at what could have been for the non-bizarro world Cubs.

Sigh.

Ted Lilly Looks to 2010 Season, Injures Himself For Challenge

2009-09-24T04:27:00.000-07:00

We have always known and half-kidded that the only one who could harm Ted Lilly is Ted Lilly himself and, as the 2009 Cubs season starts to drift out into the icepack to die a cold/lonely/starving death, that's appears to be what has happened.

But why? Just for the challenge? Nope--only TL can really be challenged is when he arm wrestles himself or engages in a staring contest in his 5'1-" mirror. We think TL was looking to 2010. Ted 'hurt' himself to give the kids some playtime and travel to Chicago to mediate the Hendry/Bradley slap fest. Check. And Check. We won't get into this now but we still want Milton on this team, but that's just us.

Every team needs a powder keg and he's OUR powder keg.

Yesterdays TL Start: Scratched. Enter stage left, Jeff Samardzija for a "you're a top draft pick with ridiculously girly hair and a Scrabble-friendly name so let's see what you can do" start. Under Ted's watchful eye, The Shark goes 6 and hits a TLrific bomb into deep right field. Color us impressed (for those TedHeads scoring at home, the official crayola color of 'impressed' is burnt sienna).

The question remains if Shark will be a viable MLB starter and frankly, we don't really care, because he's neither lefty nor contains the secret of the universe within his perfectly chiseled abdominals. For right now, he's a marginal player with marginaly girly hair who is being used as a marketing tool to lure in all those Notre Dame fans (= homers) living in Chicago.

Sure, as Ted Lilly fanatics and subsequent Cub fans, we care about Bradley on the Cubs 2010 team and Samardzija as a starter, but we don't "really" care because there are more important issues for us to worry about. Specifically, we wonder: "If God created Ted to create all things, did Ted create God?"

Our answer? Maybe*

(*if we just blew your mind there, Dr. TLFC recommends a steady dose of Sanka, Ted Lilly YouTube videos and working out with a medicine ball)

TLFC Breaking News Alert: Milton Bradley Suspension An Elaborate PR Stunt

2009-09-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

In an early morning report filed by Ted Lilly Fan Club's crack investigative squad (nicknamed "CSI: Ted"), it turns out that Milton Bradley’s “suspension” for the remainder of the season is, in fact, fictitious. In reality, the whole situation (including Milton's interview with the Daily Herald and subsequent comments from Hendry and Sweet Lou) is a PR stunt ultimately designed to promote an upcoming special edition of the board game “Sorry!” from Milton Bradley’s board game empire.

Realizing that baseball greatness is fleeting ('fleeting' defined as the year 2008) and that board games are eternal, Milton focused his energies on ensuring that "Sorry!" will live on long after he is playing right field for the cubs ('long after' defined as next season when he gets released).

Unnamed sources have provided the TLFC with company memos, sales projections and marketing abstracts on the game launch including a 52-page report, entitled Operation Crazy Town. Dated January 6, 2009, the report details a nine-month plan of attack with individual highlighted sections including “prime powder keg to explode by throwing ball in stands with only two outs”, “grossly underperform during pennant race” and “bribe fan in bleachers to pour beer on a Hawaiian center-fielder”.

Sadly, when the TLFC investigated this, we found that there were other layers to the onion. In fact, like a plot from a Dan Brown novel, many of history's most notorious scandals, crisis situations and events are in fact tied to the Bradley Family's powerful board game empire.

A few examples:

"Battleship": A MB marketing exec was seen in the South Pacific talking to both US and Japanese envoys directly before the famous Battle of Midway offering them free booze, blue jeans and 5% on back-end sales of the soon-to-luanch game if they went at it for a few days.

Mall Madness: We have learned that Milton Bradley was behind the rise of several 1980s/1990s pop singers like Debbie Gibson and Tiffany as an excuse to promote in-mall concerts which, in turn, would create in-mall madness.

Twister: While the game has always been a success, Milton Bradley Corporation did realize that they would eventually experience a dramatic lull in sales as people started playing video games and stopped playing Twister. So, in the early 1920s, during a trip to Europe, they created an arrangement with a German fitness expert to develop a form of exercise that, after a beta test period of around 60 years, would create an army of consumers who were ready-made to carry Twister into the 21st century. The result? Pilates.

Go To The Head Of The Class: Orginally released in 1940, this game was MB's first attempt to control the growing medium of television. While it took forty years, they were successful in the form of a co-branding effort that took the form of the ABC sitcom, "Head of the Class" featuring "WKPR" veteran Howard Hessermen and Robin Givens

While we were initially shocked and appalled, we ultimately were not surprised by this. After all, this modern-day Keyser Soze was able to convince Cubs management to pay him $30 million over three years so why couldn't he affect world events?

Pride and Prejudice: Ted Lilly Versus St. Louis Cardinals

2009-09-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

Great thing about Ted Lilly? As depicted in the picture to the right, he can clearly pull off British sideburns.

Another great thing about Ted Lilly? He never quits.

Every morning, using his diamond edged razor to shave off his steel like stubble (which is later donated to scientific research), Ted looks at himself and says, "Hey Ted, it's Game 7 of the World Series, and even though you've pitched the last 6 games for 9 Innings, all for Wins, and even though you've had to pull a lot of strings to pitch the last 2 games in simulated fashion - even alternating between cities and renting out Yankee Stadium - that doesn't mean you can let your guard down for this Game Seven.... go get 'em." (Confused? So are we...but we're not Ted Lilly).

Teddy Baseball then grabs the proverbial hard hat and goes to work.

In a word--Pride. Ted has Pride. No doubt, this Cardinals series has to be a bit painful for our hero. No doubt, TL had this series circled in dried Cardinal blood on his calendar. No doubt, this could have been a huge series. But alas, this is not the case....at least in the "it could determine the NL Central kind of way."

TL takes the hump against the Cards tonight as a matter of pride. Pitch strong, get the win, and maybe mow down a Cardinal at the plate. That's what we're looking for and that's what we're going to get. We'll also take an egregiously large side order of "let's build a foundation for 2010" comments from Len and/or Bob (we're still hoping that Bob takes us up on our bet that he'll have to shave his stranger danger mustache if TL wins the Roberto Clemente Award).

Prejudice. That's our area. We hate the Cardinals, for prejudicial reasoning please view here. As such, regard all confrontation with these heathens as required viewing in full Cub's gear* (*full Cubs gear defined as a TL #30 jersey, chain mail armor and Cubs zubaz pants).

TLFCSC Prediction - 7 IP, 8 k, a Pujols HR (standard), 2 BB, 2-2 at the plate with a 2b, and 1 extremely scared Catching Molina Brother.

Ted Lilly Claims Prima Nocte In Victory Over Reds

2009-09-14T05:46:00.000-07:00

While it'd be pretty easy to do an entire blog post about how Ted resembles William Wallace (quiet yet powerful leader...loves plaid...shoots fireballs out of his arse), we thought that we'd focus on another part of the "Braveheart" legend in trying to summarize Ted's victory yesterday over the Reds.

In short, after watching Ted demolish Reds batter after Reds batter, it became increasingly clear that, upon getting the ball to start the game, Ted claimed Prima Nocte over each and every Reds batter (including bullpen coach Chris Speier and Gary Wahoff, their traveling Secretary)--in effect making them his bitch.

For you historical TedHeads, Prima Nocte (First Night) is a myth that during the Middle Ages, local lords could force a new bride to have sex with them on her wedding night. While Ted is obviously not interested in any of those shenanigans (he's committed to Mrs. Ted--sweet and true), he was interested in making sure that, despite the Lost Season, the Reds understand the pecking order in the NL Central in 2010* (*this is based upon the fact that Pujols tears his ACL, the Cards don't re-sign Holliday and Prince Fielder starts hitting meat again).

Ted's final line? 6 IP, 7 Ks, 2 walks and no earned runs en route to his 12th win of the year and 8th victory at Wrigley (where he now has a filthy 1.60 ERA). Another interesting nugget, via MLB.com, "Lilly has 44 wins since joining the Cubs in 2007, tying him with Milt Pappas for the most victories in a player's first three seasons with Chicago since 1969. He has a 1.37 ERA in six outings since he returned from the disabled list Aug. 17."

Suck it Milt Pappas Fan Club (MPFC), Suck it!

Fired up TedHeads? Want to unleash your own virtual brand of Lillyhammer intensity?

Then--pop on over to Chevy's Web site where you can vote for Ted for the Roberto Clemente Award: http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/chevy/clemente/index.jsp

TL Start #25, TL Start #1

2009-09-13T05:42:00.000-07:00

Today Ted finds himself in an awful bind. In addition to 1:00 pm Wrigley start where Ted plans on serving up a brunch buffet of face melting Lilly Hammers, a steady dose of pants wetting high heat, and more testosterone than a Ricky Martin concert, TL has an early evening date in Green Bay as his alter ego, Devin Hester.

Notice the similarities.

Devin Hester - Madden '09's fastest athlete, first assigned 100 "speed" rating.
Ted Lilly - Universe's most masculine man, first assigned 100 "absurd abs" rating.

Devin Hester - Known as "Anytime" or "The Play Maker"
Ted Lilly - Known as "Ted Lilly"

Devin Hester - always in the mix, defenses attracted to him
Ted Lilly - always in the mix, "Gravity" is Latin for "Ted Lilly's Aura"

Most importantly, you can't spell "Special Teams Ace" without a TL.

TL takes the mound in about, oh, 3 minutes and takes the field in about 6 hours. With that in mind we have a special TLFC Super Computer prediction:

TL's line, 7 IP, 7 k, 1 HR (Standard), 1 HR hit by TL, and 38,000 Cubs fans mesmerized.
TL's line, 80 Rec. 1 TD, 50,000 Cheese heads disappointed.

Cub Fans: We Need Your Help! Vote For Ted Lilly For Roberto Clemente Award

2009-09-11T07:23:00.000-07:00

C’mon---no matter what the paid scribes will try to say about this year, our season is clearly in the tank. Offense underperformed, pitching was erratic and defense was abysmal. However, despite all these shortcomings, Cub fans still have the ability to make this season a success: help Ted Lilly rightfully win the Roberto Clemente Award.

The award is annually given to a MLB player who, "best exemplifies the game of baseball, sportsmanship, community involvement and the individual's contribution to his team."

For those who can’t wait for the rationale and just want to get out and support Ted, here’s a link: http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/chevy/clemente/index.jsp

Like most Chicago politics, vote early and often.

However, if you need some additional convincing, here are a few facts (some real, some less than-real) that might convince you to vote for Ted (big virtual thanks to Bleacher Nation for their insight on this topic).

Did you know…..

that Ted Lilly visits with patients at Children’s Memorial Hospital & University of Chicago Comer’s Children’s Hospital? (clearly our inspiration for TL/Mother Theresa homage)

he helped save the galaxy by blowing up Death Star? (like shooting womp rats back in beggars' canyon)

Ted was originally cast as lead vampire in Twilight but turned it down to give that kid from Harry Potter his shot (okay maybe not real but TL's got better hair)?

he helps to raise funds for the Sheil Park Playlot Renovation?

that the Richter scale is calibrated to ignore TL's footsteps? (it’s for safety reasons)

Ted is not immortal? (kidding! Ted is immortal—we all know that—silly TedHeads)

he spends time with children from the Make-a-Wish Foundation of Illinois? (100% true. Also 100% true? Our wish is to be more like Ted)

Lilly is also active in raising awareness and attending fundraising events for P.A.W.S. Chicago? (Mrs. Lilly? Veterinarian-sweet and true)

that TL sponsors an RBI (Reviving Baseball In Inner Cities) team through the Union League Boys and Girls Club since 2007?

Roberto Clemente won the first Ted Lilly Award?

Get out there, TedHeads, we need your help: http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/chevy/clemente/index.jsp

Today shall be our Tedpendance Day!

Ted Lilly Vs. Oprah? Ted Lilly Wins...Easy.

2009-09-09T05:50:00.000-07:00

Oprah gives away cars, Ted takes away souls

With all the hubbub these past few days about Oprah shutting down Michigan Ave for show tapings to celebrate her 24th Season, a more important and impressive feat continues to be lost in the media shuffle... Let's play headline trivia (kinda like a Jay Leno game without the ski slope chin and affinity for Kevin Eubanks) to see if we can sort out what:

Was it President Obama becoming chair of the UN Security Council? Nope. Keep going.

Or maybe that a one-year old girl in China is carrying a parasitic twin inside of her? Thankfully, no.

Or how about the fact that an investor group made a multi-million dollar offer for the Chicago Sun-Times (aka the Yellow Lady of Journalism)? Sorry but getting closer.

The real answer, TedHeads, is that Ted Lilly continues to perform miraculous feats every 5th day for the Cubs. While we've already covered his position as quite possibly a god of gods, Ted Lilly clearly can out pitch, out work and out fill stadium sized audiences. A few starters:

Work-Out Routine: Ted's abs? Flawless--almost tears-of-joy worthy. Oprah's midsection? Probably best to wear loose-fitting clothing and sign up for a few personal sessions w/ Dr. Oz.

Ability To Draw Crowds: Sure--Oprah did an "ok" job this past week with crowds estimated at around 20,000 for her Michigan Avenue tapings. That's adorable. Ted, on the other hand, draws 30,000 fans every time he pitches at Wrigley (11 times thus far = 330,000). Add in the legions of TedHeads around the globe via WGN Superstation and, it's clear, Ted can draw a crowd like Jesus teaching his disciples to be fishers of men (= in a non-creepy way).

Pitching Ability: Ted? Two-time NL All-Star, inventor of the face-melting Lillyhammer and inspiration to children and sick kittens everywhere. Oprah? Throw out first pitch last pitch April on Jackie Robinson Day at Citi Field but is probably more comfortable pitching authors who lie and making Scientologists go nuts on her couch.

There you have it--it's so clear and, despite media's love for Oprah, we're pretty sure that she hasn't been nominated for the Roberto Clemente Award...Ted Lilly vs. Oprah? Too easy...

Ted Lilly: Great Human, Better Deity

2009-09-06T03:50:00.000-07:00

Outside our absurd compensation package and all the Sanka we can drink, one of the fun things about being the Ted Lilly Fan Club is when Tuggles (those not in the Tedhead community) see the light, join The Movement, and welcome Ted into their lives.

The medium for their growth of Tedhead nation is generally through his absurd domination of batters or his eerily magnetic 5'10" frame; ladies want to be with Ted, men want to be Ted. But recently, we've seen our ranks grow through the abundance of press surrounding Ted's Charitable work outside of the baseball Diamond.

We applaud this coverage, but it's not something we're going to get into much detail about. Per our Ted Lilly Fan Club Privacy Policy (TLFCPP), we don't like to talk about Ted's Day-to-Day Saintly practices - we only cover Ted's nonhuman accomplishments (such as flying and the ability to eat 12 Saltines in a minute), Ted's Superhuman accomplishments (ie composing Phantom and Les Miserables under the pseudonym Andrew Lloyd Webber), and Transhuman Baseball accomplishments (we're not sure what that even means but its likelysomething hilarious and profound.)

What we're going to do is post a batch of links to let you Tedheads read for yourselves and vote for Ted, if you'd like. We're not going to campaign for TL, we doubt he does what he does for accolades or awards nor do we think it makes sense to campaign for someone as 'more deserving' of either of these particular awards. Here you go:

Ted Lilly for The Marvin Miller Man of The Year Award

Ted Lilly for The Roberto Clemente Award

Ted Lilly for the Ted Lilly Fan Club, Ted Lilly of the Year Award

TL throws against the Pirates on Labor Day with the odd 11:35 am Central start time. While TL's mowing down scurvy Pirates with extreme prejudice, maybe take a moment to ask yourself WWTLD (What Would Ted Lilly Do)? The answer is clearly fight evil with his Tedtastic Mental Powers and Ivory Chiseled Abs, which you can't do, but you can certainly try.

Every 5th Day, Ted Lilly Shines A Light

2009-09-02T16:19:00.001-07:00

During our high school years in between bouts of acne, social awkwardness and a weird love for Aqua Net hair spray, the Ted Lilly Fan Club entered into that period when we tried to show off by pretending to appreciate (listen...not just hear) good, yet hip/adult music. Case in point: Van Morrison.

Sure, everyone loves "Brown Eyed Girl" (surprisingly not written about Mrs. Ted Lilly or TLFC House Mom Brenda) but, when you get beyond that pop bubble gum stuff, Van Morrison has some deeply spiritual, poetic songs that either are a) perfect for that mix tape that you were making for that girl you liked in your bio class or b) ideal to play loudly as you drive around late at night only stopping for late night hoss at Baker's Square. Perfect example? "Whenever God Shined His Light."

Some lyrics, "Whenever God shines his light on me...Opens up my eyes so I can see...When I look up in the darkest night...I know everythings going to be alright...In deep confusion, in great despair...When I reach out for him he is there...When I am lonely as I can be...I know that God shines his light on me."

It seems very fitting that we recount that experience given the last few weeks of Cubdom. Let's be honest folks--we've tanked and officially shat the ivy-covered bed. You know it. We know it. Heck, even Paul Sullivan probably doesn't get the same sick satisfaction slinking around the Cubs lockerroom looking for spontaneous games of grab-ass as he once did when the season started so full of promise and hope.

But, once again, in this universe of darkness and despair, Ted Lilly decides to thrown on his heartlight and show Cubs fans what true promise and hope is (editor's note: hint hint--it comes in a 5'10" package and calls Torrance, CA home).

In today's edition, despite being 10 games back in the Central (= mathematically dead to us), Ted walks into the Cubs lockeroom, steps to the middle, tells the Game Board King to turn off the music and, in a quiet yet menacing tone, proclaims, "F- It--I've got this one boys."

The result? Ted scatters four hits over eight scoreless innings while striking out five and attempting a sweet-as-hell base steal in the third. Despite his earlier injury this year, Ted notched his tenth win of the season for the 7th straight season (Johan Santana, CC Sabithia and Mark Buehrle are the only other lefties in that club).

Whenever Ted shines a light....indeed.

(Picture is courtesy of Phil Velasquez/Chicago Tribune)

Milton Bradley Claims Racism; Ted Lilly Fan Club Points Finger Right Back At Milton Bradley And His Family Of Board Games

2009-08-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

While the Cubs did win on Wednesday evening with a 9-4 victory over the worst team in the National League (woo hoo! Break em up! Break em up!), things got a little serious with accusations from Cubs OF Milton Bradley that some Cubs fans have made racial taunts to him this season at Wrigley.

Said Bradley, “I'm talking about hatred, period..I'm talking about when I go to eat at a restaurant, I have to listen to the waiters bad-mouthing me at another table, sitting in a restaurant, that's what I'm talking about -- everything… All I'm saying is I just pray the game is nine innings, so I can be out there the least amount of time as possible and go home."

Clearly, there is no place for racism in Cubbieland and, according to Wrigley Field management, there have no reports of any racial abuse toward Bradley at Wrigley Field (official policy is to eject any fan who makes an inappropriate remark to a player and/or drops a beer on Victorino).

Unfortunately, the TLFC sees this as a clear example of the pot calling the kettle black (or is it more PC to say ‘pot calling the kettle African-American?') as there are more than a few Milton Bradley board games that are questionable from a political correctness standpoint.

A few examples:

Mall Madness: Clearly, the marketing and game format of Mall Madness targeted tween girls and the object of the game is to be the first player to purchase six items on the player's shopping list with their credit cards and get back to the parking lot. Really? First off, is MB assuming that tween girls wouldn't/couldn't play Monopoly? or that the wouldn't appreciate the high-stakes world of board game real estate/finance? Plus--what kind of message is it sending to be rewarded by using credit? Taking a quick look at the recent financial crisis, the use and abuse of credit is part of the reason we're in this mess. It all starts with a few "innocent" rounds of Mall Madness, followed by an actual trip to the local shopping center and, next thing you know, a generation of females are knocked out, living in sub-standard housing and watched "Deal of No Deal" during the daytime--we've seen it a million times and, to be honest, it's just sad.

Battleship: While we respect and honor the service of everyone serving in the Armed Forces, it is a little unfair to only be spotlighting one of the branches. If I was a Soldier, Airman or Marine, we'd be pretty upset at MB and their clear snub of our service. So, not only does MB proactively endorse reckless spending, they also seem to only respect 25% of today's military

Barrel of Monkeys: Our lawyers have advised us not to really dealve into any details here for fear of an Al Sharpton-lead boycott of the TLFC but we think it's pretty clear that this game is borderline offensive

Mousetrap: Where's the letters of outrage from PETA? Why isn't some hippie celebrity doing a commercial for the World Wildlife Fund about this game (paging Noah Wyle)? The goal of this game is to trap a defenseless mouse by enticing him w/ cheese. What did this mouse ever do? From our perspective, when we think of mice, we think of superheros (Mighty Mouse), a wandering nomad (Fivel), a prankster (Jerry of "Tom and Jerry" fame) and a certain mascot for a multi-national corporation based in California

Scotland Yard: While this game is clearly targeting an older board game demographic, we think it's incredibly insulting that, despite being called 'Scotland Yard', it takes places in the streets of London. We asked TLFC friend and native Scot, Lord DJ for his opinion. Unfortunately, we couldn't understand his brogue (sounds like someone clearing their throat during flu season) but assume from his facial expressions that he was less than happy.

Remember, Milton, every time you point your finger at someone, there are four fingers pointing right back at you and we've only skimmed the surface here but, in a quick review, you have insulted women, the military, Scots, mice and an entire barrel of monkeys. Tsk tsk tsk says the TLFC

(editor's note: picture above is from Chris Graythen/Getty Images)

Kevin Gregg Is The 6'6" Embodiment Of Being Kicked In the Junk

2009-08-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday, we opined on how Kevin Gregg was simply fulfilling his destiny as a C-Tier closer when he blew the game (again) and was ultimately removed from his role in lieu of the Marmot.

It's not that we're necessarily defending him--we just feel that it's more akin to destiny of which the Goggled One has no control of. However, after the prozac wore off, we decided that it'd be in our best interest if we tried to describe the pain we feel over the Cubs bullpen.

Our response? Some of the best videos of people being kicked in the junk:

1. Video Of Kicked In The Nuts World Record Holder: www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9bV_v9b8go

2. Video Of A Suprise Kick In The Nuts: http://www.myxer.com/video:902243/

3. A Dedicated Section Of Nuts Being Kicked On The Beer Blog: http://www.pongalong.com/Beerblog/index.php/the-top-5-hardest-kicked-in-the-nuts-videos-youtube-friday-five/

4. This Guy Lost A Bet. His Punishment? Getting Kicked In Nuts: http://www.lightupload.com/video/other/1930/Kicked-In-The-Nuts-For-Losing-A-Bet.html

5. Girl Kicking A Guy In Nust Repeatedly: http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/JQ1wn1Vn.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.yourdailymedia.com/post/1145875817/Kicked_In_Nuts_By_Chicks&usg=__F40K_jh_hudfItbOrRzn6z2ojGc=&h=165&w=220&sz=5&hl=en&start=9&um=1&tbnid=vHLgafF6GkS2JM:&tbnh=80&tbnw=107&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dkicked%2Bin%2Bthe%2Bnuts%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1T4GGLL_enUS330%26um%3D1

Carlos Marmol and Angel Guzman? Assume the position...