tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-154443482009-12-02T06:34:22.217ZTrawling through the mess and muddle of my head.Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comBlogger269125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-86539087874094108402009-07-10T16:26:00.003+01:002009-07-10T16:42:31.588+01:00

Our dearest Emily passed away peacefully at home yesterday, Thursday 9 July, surrounded by her family. We are profoundly grateful for the time she had among us and everything that she shared with us. Her courage and fortitude in the face of adversity was an inspiration to other patients at the Royal Free Hospital in Hampstead and to those she leaves behind. We give thanks for her life and for

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-2817989671529948342009-05-17T20:39:00.007+01:002009-05-17T22:50:28.095+01:00

Cancer - in cackling tones: "We're in your skull, trying to reach your bra-a-ins! Hahahaha!"Is what an MRI of my head shows. Which explains the numb patches on my face and in my mouth. Apparently it's squeezing in between the layers of the skull and trapping nerves.Soooooo, chemo is on hold while we do 5 or 10 doses of radiotherapy to try and fry it on the spot. I keep to meet the clinical

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-13928713830284889052009-05-05T19:03:00.004+01:002009-05-05T20:45:24.944+01:00

So far, I've been sick a lot, I've slept a lot and I have a white blood cell count of 0.65.That's the short version.Fentanyl. This is a controlled substance. An opiate pain-killer. You have to sign at the pharmacy in order to be given it. It's a patch that you stick on your skin and it gradually releases the drug over 3 days and then you stick on a new one. Goody. The Princess Oncologist

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-76201186326913352162009-04-15T18:17:00.002+01:002009-04-15T18:41:57.589+01:00

It's a relief really. I don't have to wait any longer. And I have felt this coming since the start of the year. Which is why I have been so quiet I think. I nearly posted one of my angst-ridden posts about waiting for test results but then I decided that I keep posting those and then stuff's ok-ish and I feel a fool.Anyway, the CT and the MRI were done a week and a half ago and I forebore

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-29364511408058235032009-04-02T21:09:00.003+01:002009-04-02T21:27:28.512+01:00

I'm so upset.I've had a lovely 10 days with my brother visiting me from the States and we did some fun and important stuff like spending a couple of days on Lindisfarne where we used to go on holidays as children.He flew home last night and I was so sad to see him go and apparently he got back having flown 7 and a half hours and his girlfriend picked him up at the airport at 9pm, dropped him off

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-49230591887762207222009-02-26T12:10:00.004Z2009-02-26T12:32:42.952Z

Hello - apparently I am a huge drama queen who should just stop whining.....I still entirely blame February.There will be a CT scan in the next month or so to check the state of the lungs. The Princess Oncologist was unimpressed with pain in the shoulder and didn't even want to look at it.The lymphoedema massage was painful.You know people sometimes refer to 'good' pain? Well, this wasn't that.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-58184534975479192592009-02-23T23:01:00.002Z2009-02-23T23:06:57.742Z

I have this pain in my thigh. Sort of pokey. Very localised. About 6cm in diameter. It's worse at night, especially when I lie down. Goes on pretty much all night. And it makes me want to stab it with a very sharp, pointy knife.Probably on the basis that the new pain would detract from the original pain.The only thing that makes it go away is the Co-dydramol but when the rest of me isn't in

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-5323222002054912752009-02-22T22:22:00.004Z2009-02-22T22:42:46.215Z

Hello, it's February.It's always bad in February - see previous Februarys.Same thing - bit worse.I am mostly coping by putting my head down and forging towards March. There will be a slight hiccup on Wednesday because I can't ignore or avoid the Princess Oncologist. I am fearing bad news. I am always fearing bad news. But this time I think there are some nodes in my neck that weren't there

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-52891653373719668412009-02-06T22:00:00.003Z2009-02-06T22:15:30.228Z

This afternoon at the Haven I was putting my coat on to leave when I realised something was poking me in the side of my neck........it was an acupuncture needle that accidentally got left in......whoops.Today I had 2 needles in the tops of my feet, 2 in my lower legs, 1 on my inner left wrist, 1 in each shoulder, 2 around my collarbones, 1 either side of my nose and 1 on the top of my head.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-61193022613785227312009-01-23T22:18:00.003Z2009-01-23T22:53:31.167Z

Isn't it interesting how, if you speak to the right person, suddenly things are possible.....I saw the Princess Oncologist last week for the results of the last CT scan. Bit odd. There are a couple of new nodes in the lung; but one is 1 millimetre and the other is 2 millimetres. So she was implying that she wasn't 100% sure they were *really* there?! But even if they are then they're so small

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-30314274660098558062009-01-15T00:11:00.002Z2009-01-15T00:14:04.759Z

Happy New Year - blah etc,Happy fucking leg cramp that won't go away.Happy new pain killers that are not making the leg cramp go away.Happy no sleep for me tonight, thanks.So, so, soso, so , so so tired of this all.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-43470625914169402952008-12-20T19:04:00.003Z2008-12-20T19:18:13.571Z

To be clear - they did insure me in the end - as a 'goodwill gesture'; but probably won't do so again.I cried - no, I'll be honest, I bawled down the phone at them to the extent that I was barely intelligible while giving my credit card details. So much so that the woman who was dealing with me became so upset that someone else had to take over.I hate that crying that ends up with those

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-32055760388071128122008-12-19T14:03:00.004Z2008-12-19T15:22:26.322Z

Update:They'll insure me as a one-off as a gesture of goodwill this time but underwriting changes all the time and I can try them in the future but they may not insure me (i.e won't insure me). Because they're not set up for helping people with metastases just people who've had cancer but are better now.So there.And it's not because I have cancer it's because I'm going to the U.S.A. - except of

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-39215236926579802092008-12-09T13:10:00.004Z2008-12-09T13:35:26.061Z

Oh, I'm so glad I rang up the breast care nursing team - I got some very useful advice.....................Sorry, I was waiting for whomever that statement applies to to chime in and tell us all what the advice was - coz I could use some more!Sadly, when I rang yesterday I got the useless-[hmmm, let's not use her real name....let's call her.....Meringue! Yes! That will do!].. I rang and got The

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-56969355393020482062008-12-06T00:03:00.003Z2008-12-06T00:23:36.182Z

Cancer related things are kicking my butt at the moment.After months of jollying along, the big ol' sad has caught up with me again. Mostly because Arimidex is *hurting* at the moment. My lower back and hip joints *hurt*. Of the 'I'm uncomfortable standing, sitting and lying down' variety. Of the ibuprofen and paracetamol are not really cutting it pain-killing-wise at the moment. Of the '

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-47046532421156704122008-11-23T13:30:00.004Z2008-11-23T13:42:02.045Z

I have nearly recovered.From Oxford Street and its environs on a Saturday in late November.I managed not to kill anyone although the urge was strong.Too many people in not enough space equals me wanting to batter said people.And I had to deal with beads. About which I knew virtually nothing. I now know they're expensive. And that the shop I went to advertises things at different prices for

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-55527087524545076152008-11-21T22:42:00.002Z2008-11-21T22:50:46.668Z

I'm really tired this evening.I was late to bed last night and getting up for work this morning was hard. I really didn't want to go. It was OK once I was there and I seem to be getting back into the swing of the work fairly easily. I took my headphones in so I could listen to the radio whilst working which helped to stop be feeling a bit bored.Guides were giddy and unwilling to listen this

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-57809200273019995222008-11-20T22:53:00.002Z2008-11-20T23:05:58.204Z

I'm too hot and I'm too weighed down to say anything today.Blah and other assorted words.A head full of shoulds and oughts.Going nowhere.Weight.Weighing.Weighted.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-54446137961014963312008-11-19T21:47:00.002Z2008-11-19T22:11:51.676Z

My brain just exploded. I just read the date 2016. The year, the date, 2016. Is it just me or does this look like a totally made up date? My brain can cope with 2012 - 2013 and beyond? Nope, doesn't exist.

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-24901673560833669642008-11-18T22:42:00.003Z2008-11-18T23:07:06.942Z

Dumbo here went and bought a bunch of yarn for Christmas knitting yesterday and misremembered the U.K. equivalent of worsted yarn. I know have an excess of DK rather than Aran.Moral of the story?Don't yarn shop on impulse when you accidentally pass a yarn selling shop. When will I learn to bloody well write down things and not rely on memory - which I know to be rubbish. I should have

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-82395200306028803522008-11-17T22:26:00.002Z2008-11-17T22:55:02.522Z

Red Velvet cake is *very* red......making it turned my fingers red.Plus it had the oddest icing I've ever had - which was a butter cream icing with the addition of some flour cooked in milk and then left to cool before being stirred into the butter cream. Tasted fine but had a slightly gelatinous texture and was shiny and not entirely smooth. Odd, not unpleasant, just odd.I do like to live

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-38657814412757348902008-11-14T22:52:00.008Z2008-11-14T23:17:13.054Z

Because it's now wintery and dark at early o'clock in the evening I'm starting to feel all gloomy. So a quick sally into the summers' photo collection is in order. Join me!A hot afternoon in YorkDressed up in my finery for a weddingA sunny evening by Campbeltown LochAn attack of the owlsThis is what happens when I get hold of the camera - we get artsy photographs looking at perspective and

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-73549582761731854392008-11-13T21:52:00.003Z2008-11-13T22:40:40.553Z

I have six pairs of waterproof trousers hanging up in my bathroom - still covered in mud. I cunningly attempted to have a bath this morning whilst still leaving them hanging up. It wasn't entirely a success since I ended up with several leaves in the bath with me...... Tomorrow I will tackle them with a scrubbing brush and the shower attachment.Of course, from my vantage point in the bath this

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-14488759479356207872008-11-12T21:37:00.002Z2008-11-12T22:51:27.441Z

I survived.The first day. Over. Done.Wasn't as bad as it could have been.And I got my desk back too - without having to ask. All that trauma for no reason! ::sigh:: Typical!I skulked in at 10am without being spotted and quite shamefully lurked in the journal stacks until I could get to the stairs without being spotted. As I stood there peering through the journals I thought how much more

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-70620124851645617522008-11-11T22:12:00.003Z2008-11-11T23:51:35.419Z

When I was around 16 or 17 I read Remarque's "All Quiet on the Western Front" and I think I can quite definitively say that that book shaped my feelings and opinions on war. I could say it moved me; I could say it horrified me but actually what it did was leave me huddled on the floor, crying and rocking saying "I didn't know; I didn't understand" - for several hours. I don't think I've ever

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com1