tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-154443482008-07-04T10:21:42.362+01:00Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comBlogger225125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-9068006301257412942008-06-09T02:05:00.003+01:002008-06-09T02:49:08.618+01:00

Hot, I'm hot, and it's 2 in the morning and I'm tired, but I have that wakeful mind thing going on....not helpful. I hate it when I don't even know what I'm thinking *about*; or even what I'm trying *not* to think about. Something just doesn't feel right. Perhaps it's because I've yet another extra week off chemo - which I know I need for my stomach and rest-of digestive tract to recover - but

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-28325728104215655592008-06-06T18:35:00.002+01:002008-06-06T18:49:26.107+01:00

::sigh:: I keep thinking - do I have anything left to say? Or anything that isn't the same thing again and again? It's taken me this amount of time to get to a point of saying how sad I am that Pocketina of DIYnotDie has taken down her site. I understand why she has; or at least I see reasons why she might do so. I think she needed to move on to a non-cancer part of life and her blog was tying

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-31232672791600559812008-05-30T08:55:00.003+01:002008-05-30T09:05:20.466+01:00

For the record, I'm sure I said "I love you all but I *have* to go finish scrubbing my carpet!" not 'want' - there was definitely no wanting being experienced whatsoever - apart from wanting to *go home*...... at any rate, that was what I intended to say -- sometimes the words coming out of my mouth are, um, not quite what I wanted to say! :) Have now slept muchly and, mostly, unpacked - I

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-73403461588728161052008-05-28T12:15:00.003+01:002008-05-28T12:41:23.552+01:00

*Good* *Lord* I have survived - 4 days of brownie pack holiday, that is.... There has been endless whining, falling in and out of friends, rain, brownies who cannot sit at the dinner table for more than 5 minutes, sayings of 'Be Quiet!'. I have also *scrubbed* a carpet, whilst seething and ignoring the fact I shouldn't be doing things like that with my right hand and arm (of which the hand is

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-34546445062736018582008-05-14T16:02:00.002+01:002008-05-14T16:08:20.350+01:00

Cancel doom - not required today. All is the same; no progression - Stable still. It's amazing how tiring it is to sit around waiting and take this stuff in. So, you may stand down from panic stations - for now. :) And sadly, I have to start taking tablets again on Saturday ::sigh:: The extra week off has stymied all my holiday planning as well. We're having a week in Cornwall in September once

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-79985535777518268182008-05-13T12:45:00.004+01:002008-05-13T13:14:48.919+01:00

Well, I don't seem to be able to shake the sense of doom about my CT results. After all this worry; I hope the results *are* back......I think. There's no room in my head for a 'good' result; I'm assuming the worst - just as a safety precaution really, I have nothing to base than on. Other than the fact my body can't handle as much of the Xeloda as it once could. Now perhaps that means I

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-71330169715088811572008-05-09T09:36:00.003+01:002008-05-09T10:56:59.990+01:00

Well now, thank you all for your comments on the dilemma of the previous post - it was *very* interesting to read what you had to say and I have to say, for the most part, your comments seem to echo the way I feel about identity and blogging - and that is that identifying yourself and giving others access to your details and your blog was something to be approached with caution. For safety

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-61095565082539807142008-04-24T22:22:00.003+01:002008-04-25T00:24:01.924+01:00

I am experiencing something of a dilemma and, it being a dilemma, I'm not sure what to do. So I'm asking you some questions. The story is thus: Last week I was contacted by a magazine belonging to a U.S. cancer organisation who asked if I would be willing to have one of my blogposts highlighted along with a little interview in their publication. I was flattered and possibly a little excited -

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-3677223268112765992008-04-22T19:52:00.002+01:002008-04-22T20:05:41.090+01:00

Doh! Doh! Doh! I've buggered up my sock *twice* today, *twice* I tell you! First I overknitted the heels - 42 rows instead of *22* (I thought it was looking a *bit* odd....) And now knitting the gusset (*hate* that word - yak!) I've decreased every round instead of every other round.....this may be a lesson in a) read the instructions and b) follow the instructions once you've read them please

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-70416073623395162008-04-20T18:33:00.003+01:002008-04-20T19:01:42.422+01:00

Quite a while ago I was asked to participate in a short documentary film about complementary therapy services offered at my hospital - the Royal Free Hampstead. I agreed, because, as you know, I usually have plenty to say. This was an interesting little film because it was actually made by a film student who was looking at using film in dance and movement and she was interested in the movement

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-83695059074697765812008-04-18T12:22:00.002+01:002008-04-18T12:47:29.745+01:00

I have an 'upper respiratory tract infection' according to The Princess Oncologist - but it didn't impress her.......I think you have to neutropaenic and have no white blood cell count before you can impress her. In other words, I have a cold and am whingey. Blah - my eyes do not want to be open but if I lie down then I can't really breathe - bummer. Wah! I'm also supposed to be making quiche

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-38888641789915381272008-04-08T15:42:00.003+01:002008-04-08T19:04:34.010+01:00

Hello. Me here. Still here. I really don't know what to say. There's not bad news, it's just the same old overwhelming sadness. And that crying thing where you lie on a bathroom floor and can't breathe through the sobbing. I saw old, good friends at the weekend. And I saw photos from my past and I just couldn't deal with it. Photographs of me with this bright smile of *real* contentment and

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-73977316479949848242008-04-01T12:45:00.006+01:002008-04-01T13:07:32.971+01:00

What do you do when you're hyperventillating over lunch, and your hair? Seriously, I do not know what to do. Not eat lunch because it's simply too difficult to decide what to eat - when I don't want anything anyway and I'm just thinking about it because it's 'lunchtime' and I'll probably end up with another headache later if I don't eat. I'm not saying that I'm not hungry - I have no idea if I'm

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-39483445317930365552008-03-28T21:49:00.003Z2008-03-28T23:23:14.665Z

Apologies for the statelite-link pause in blogging - my laptop was in crisis and lost the ability to run on mains power or charge the battery. Whaaaa! I now have a laptop on loan (thank you!) and am waiting for a new one to materialise - well, be delivered. Soon. I hope. Hint hint delivery people. It was shocking how cut off I felt without you all!!! You were missed! :) I'm feeling quite

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-53595141572233831622008-03-16T22:26:00.003Z2008-03-16T23:01:30.994Z

Well, I've cheered up a bit - but that's not saying much since my inclination to get out of bed very much this weekend has been hovering around the nil part of the scale. But I have finished slating myself for the time being. You know, you say these things and it gets it out of your brain a bit. For a time, anyway. What would I say if were able to think something *positive* about myself? I'd

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-67619377791980238912008-03-14T11:51:00.000Z2008-03-14T13:21:04.789Z

As per BlogHer: Dear Body, I don't really like you and I used to like you and it's not all down to that usurper: cancer. I used to revel in my body; it looked pretty fancy without much effort, it brought me pleasure, allowed me to feel good. The breasts came in a little early and I could have done without nasty people pinging my brand new brastraps. But perhaps it's good that they did because

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-17313588979733630182008-03-11T20:35:00.003Z2008-03-11T21:30:03.736Z

I've been getting quite a few hits recently from people searching for 'first chemo treatment' - which is sad (for them, not me). Hi there if you've reached me by searching for that and I'm so sorry if it's information for *your* first chemo treatment; well, I'm also sorry if it's someone else's first chemo treatment. Either way, I can guess that you're having a tough time. (understatement, I

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-79716738678067827182008-03-10T10:08:00.003Z2008-03-10T10:35:56.294Z

I was given a task, and I've been ignoring it - this seems to be key about me. I don't like feeling like I *have* to do something - even if it's something that I'd be happy to do.......contrary. I was challenged to write about how I feel about my secondary cancer - how I feel about the cancer itself, not so much about how I feel about having it. Both of which, to a degree, I feel like saying '

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-797308316674903632008-03-08T23:26:00.002Z2008-03-08T23:51:59.303Z

Hmm - grumpy old me this evening. My birthday blood test looked like this: Mother of all bruises - yes? In good news, the bone strengthening tablets have been approved, so no more Pamidronate drips and therefore only a bloodtest every 3 weeks - which up until now have been mostly uneventful. This was a deep vein and despite me pressing down on it for *ages* it still made this mess. I looked

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-90964428986297176282008-03-05T15:03:00.002Z2008-03-06T09:28:39.999Z

Well, happy burp-day to me. My exciting birthday treat was a trip to the chemo clinic. My oncologist *did* sing happy birthday to me, which cheered me up and I had lots of hugs and birthday wishes from the nurses there and in the chemo-suite. My lymph-node is now granule-sized, if anything......I got a 'well' and a tick on my notes(!) It's feeling oddly like school..... So. I ought to be jolly

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-75619770203503917622008-02-28T20:27:00.002Z2008-02-28T20:42:05.106Z

An impression of my brain currently: Lalalalalalalalalala - ooh! Something shiny! Ooh! Something else shiny! Ooh! Something chocolate! Lalalalalalala! Why am I in here? - oooh, something shiny! Damn! Why didn't I do what I just went to do?! Oh, shiny! Grrrrr. - Please sirs, I want a brain transplant. - What! [consternation] Ungrateful girl! A brain transplant! I never heard the like!

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-15870239188453984332008-02-28T20:16:00.002Z2008-02-28T20:23:55.766Z

Mental note to self: It's generally better to turn up at Sainsbury's with your wallet rather than just a stray £5 note in your purse. This will lead to less embarrassment at the tills when you can't pay and will also enable you to take home your shopping and not have wasted half an hour wandering round the supermarket. M-kay? Have we got it now? Have we realised that self is to be treated like

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-19818942552660065992008-02-28T09:20:00.004Z2008-02-28T09:45:25.022Z

Stuff to do!! I've got stuff to do! Am I doing it? No! Hahaha! Why? Dunno. It would mean actually getting dressed and not sitting here at the computer.....and you would miss me. (that was an instruction btw) Tomorrow is the leap year day - hmmmm, what shall I do? It's a bonus day - one ought to do something super surely......but no, I shall be having my pamidronate drip and Zoladex injection

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-63084656400769575802008-02-27T16:37:00.005Z2008-02-27T18:13:18.353Z

So, apparently you're not going to let me have the 'Idiot Grrrl' t-shirt....you're *no* fun. Can I have one that says 'Sometime Idiot Grrrl'? No? You're obviously all too nice to me! Thank you. :) My papa bought me some flowers to cheer me up (I should have taken the picture of them when they were at their zenith - I failed to do so - but I still think they look pretty): Papa's are pretty

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-15444348.post-66805719796674228522008-02-27T01:37:00.003Z2008-02-27T01:47:13.487Z

Scary, I woke up half an hour ago to feel like the room was shaking. I've just spent the last half hour trying to convince myself I had had some strange dream but I couldn't get back to sleep and in the end went downstairs to check the Beeb. And, yes, an earth tremor has happened in Birmingham. But I'm not in Birmingham - I'm London, about 100 miles away..... This from the girl who didn't

Sephahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12915108901825575244noreply@blogger.com