not a turtle

moving house... or shells. can turtles do that?

2006-10-10T01:46:00.000+10:00

So. If you're here, I don't know how you got here... maybe you have some freaky shit going on with your browser and it won't redirect.

I have moved (archives and all) to:

www.notaturtle.typepad.com

come and see me there.

a new look

2006-10-08T09:58:00.000+10:00

I am so fucking tired.
I stayed up until 5:32am changing (read: strangling into submission) my blog template.
It hurt me, so you better like it.

I hate HTML.

oh that's right, I have a blog...

2006-10-07T21:45:00.000+10:00

byron loves...

The slightly crazy and extremely lovely woman who offered me lift to the train station in the blistering 10am heat on Tuesday. She turned out to be a Jehova's Witness looking for her doorknock buddies who seemed to have gone missing (The area I live in is heavily populated by Seventh Day Adventists, who are all vegetarians, so I don't think they've been kidnapped and eaten... but possibly held up in a floral wallpapered, doily covered cottage somewhere by a well meaning old lady called Mavis who is feeding them scones and making them watch her old tapes of Paradise Beach and Echo Point while she regales them with tales of her days in the typing pool). Tangent, much? We talked about public transport, the weather and how she was buying a new car. She mentioned nothing of Jehova and the possible witnessing of him. This chance encounter restored my faith in the world a little. I told Munkey... and his response? "Well that's nice. Just don't count on her if you need a blood transfusion."

The entire set of Press Gang DVDs I purchased from the oh so alternative girls with asymmetrical haircuts and at least three facial piercings each at JB HiFi. The girls who didn't want to sell me the box-set because they had just discovered: A) Press Gang had been released on DVD. B) It was the last copy, and... C) They "LOVE PRESS GANG OH MY GOD!!!". Honest to God, you would have though I was trying to buy the last Kaiser Chiefs album or something. Alt-emo angst is so much fun.

Julia at work (who hails from good old N.Z). I was trying to explain what Rent (the musical) was, and she was just looking at me with a slightly perplexed expression on her face. "What are you saying?" she said. I quickly realised the problem and re-phrased my statement. "Rint. The mewsicull. Uz wot Eye sidd." She looked at me, nodded in recognition, having finally understood and called me a "LUTTLE SHUT!".

That this picture actually appears on Paulini's official site.

I love bad wigs.

byron hates...

My boss. Who, like many before him, has developed an inferiority complex because I can do my job better than he can. He's only the "Acting" Team Leader and is terrified of being sent back to the depths of hell (otherwise known as my job). I do my best not to have anything to do with him, but he seems hell bent on pulling faces at me behind my back and ignoring me in team meetings. I do love work politics. It's just like being back in the playground in year six, that time Grace Morris threw a banana at me and I convinced Alex Adolphe to squash it in her hair. Or maybe it's not like that at all. Moving on...

That CityRail ticket office and platform staff earn between $48,621 and $60,231. For doing what, may I ask?

Living a 30 minute walk from the nearest shop. I want chocolate. Chocolate is too far away.

Jamie Foxx and his "hair". I'm reasonably confident that it comes not from the hair follicles on his head, but from an aerosol can. If there's anyone out there whose hairline is also made up of perfectly straight lines and right angles who can demonstrate to me that such things do actually occur in nature, please email me.

yes.

2006-09-30T19:56:00.000+10:00

So. I am currently cut off from the online world of the intermanet.
My ever faithful and beautiful Powerbook G4 is in perfect condition... but alas, it's charger is not.
The friendly folks at the Apple Store tell me I will have to wait at least three more weeks (along with roughly 60 other people who have placed orders) until any chargers arrive in the country.

Some things that occured to me today:

I don't really feel happy terribly often. In fact, I don't remember the last time I was.

I'm being all sullen and silent around people most of the time.

Everything kind of feels like a blank grey monotone.

These are things I might need to go and see some sort of professional about.

Anyway... enough of that, or someone might mistake this for a LiveJournal.

I'm sitting in an internet cafe. The 20 something guy of non-specific eastern european origin sitting to the left of me is watching what I think is Tsosti. The 30 something guy of non-specific asian origin to my right is watching (for the third time) one of the sex scenes from Mulholland Drive. Not really the kind of movie you can get off on, in my opinion. He has so far trawled through almost half of the pirated movies on the internet cafe's server looking for scenes with varying degrees of raunch.

That's all there is. There isn't any more.

UPDATE: I take back what I said above. Having read Steph's Menstrual Wars post, I now have tears of joy streaming down my face, and I'm slowly regaining the ability to breathe. Happy, much? Yes. Aside from that... I do also know a certain someone who makes me unbelieveably happy....

give me your hat!

2006-09-25T13:23:00.000+10:00

"Do you realise there is a placenta just out of shot? That baby is trying to detach himself from a placenta."

"Oh. I didn't realise the traumatic effect a giant placenta might have on your poor tired brain. I apologise. The baby does look very happy, so perhaps it's a rather jolly placenta."

"I'm going to sit under my desk and breathe. I shall be enjoying the absence of the placenta. The glass is definitely half empty in this case."

many things

2006-09-17T12:31:00.000+10:00

quotable quotes #6302

"I believe Jo Hall has been artificially constructed from pre-loved handbags"

"I hate headbands. And puns. And excessive product choice."

"I was so disoriented that I actually told him I was disorientated"

"Please tell me you have not been up all night vandalising Wikipedia...?"
"No. Some nasty little eleven year old bitch was following me around the site and undoing all the changes I made. As if she has concrete proof that Beyoncé doesn't wear wigs. As if she can even spell wig. I hate eleven year old girls."

"Nuttelex is not the solution to anything, and you know it.

"I think Sister Act is a taco movie."
"What!?!"
"As in a movie you can watch while eating tacos."
"Dude... it has nuns in it. Do not use the word taco in reference to it."

"Can you hear the lambs?"
"No. I'm busy with the lotion. I don't want the hose, you see."

"He seems like..."
"A gimp?"
"Uh... I was going to say the perfect boyfriend, but that works too."

the blog posts that didn't make the cut this week

"Why I should have won an Emmy, and the brilliance of all that I say and do" by Eva Longoria

"The Misogynist Tendencies of Germaine Greer"

"How To Become A Wax Figure: Five Easy Steps" by Christina Aguilera

"Hips Don't Lie, But Record Execs Do: The Plastication Of Shakira and Nelly Furtado"

anagrams are fun. especially when you use your name.

Byron Joshua Bache....

Urbane job? Coy? Hash.

Hooch nearby? Jab us!

Soybean car. Job. Huh?

Shh... you jab! Cone bra!

Bah! Anus Job? Hoe cry.

A) Oh Scabby John... Rue!

in which he empties the contents of his bitter, twisted, work-tired brain...

2006-09-08T20:41:00.000+10:00

a prayer for hope

Aparrently dying is the new black, as far as vaguely idolised D-List australian celebrities go this week.
God.... if you're listening, could you not have taken Todd McKenney from us instead? Sonia Kruger? Catriona Rowntree? Surely we don't have a use for Shannon Noll anymore? I'd even have settled for Axle Whitehead (even though I'd prefer to kill him myself).

oh right, so "she" does "exist"...

"Suri Cruise" was "two months old" when the "photos" for Vanity Fair were "taken". Has anyone ever seen a two month old baby? They don't look like that. They don't have insanely expressive faces and piercing, close-focused eyes. Their heads are also very rarely as large as "Suri's" is. Also, let's not talk about "Suri's" amazingly thick, dark hair. Or how it's just like mommy and daddy's.

Munkey think's she's animatronic. I think she's borrowed and/or photoshopped.

ever so eloquent and always so well written...

Hats off to mX for their tackiest sidebar snippet ever. It sounds as though my eighty five year old grandmother wrote it:

"LITTLE Britain star Matt Lucas is planning to tie the knot with his gay lover, Britain's The Sun claims. The 32-year-old comic plans to wed TV researcher Kevin McGee, 30..."

Because the gays only take lovers. And not just lovers, but gay lovers. The filthy homosexuals (pronouned homm-owe-seks-yew-alls, of course) and their long held ambitions to defecate all over the sacred institution of marriage.

Is this the right time to tell the world that plagiarist extraordinaire Matt Sun, who seems to write mX by himself (a not-very-impressive-feat) is a filthy, dirty pillow biter himself? No? Ok. I didn't say anything then.

the devine miss m...

2006-09-08T20:26:00.000+10:00

People often ask me "Byron, what's the most offensive thing you've heard this week?"
Well. Let me tell you. Most of the time it comes from an article by the articulate, intelligent and very pretty (and I know just how pretty she looks without makeup on - she goes to my hairdresser) Miranda Devine.

"Why would you want to integrate your eight-year-old daughter into a culture that seems to take its decadent cue from Paris Hilton, when your religion offers an apparent safe haven?

Better to dress little Fatima in a burqa and keep her away from the "infidel" girls at school in an attempt to preserve her innocence as long as you can. Better yet, send her to an Islamic school so she won't be polluted by association."

So in case you were wondering how to contribute to the already strained relations between the Muslim community and (for want of a better way to put it) the rest of Sydney, it seems the answer is to write a deliberately inflammatory opinion piece for a broadsheet paper. Ms Devine seems to be more than willing to slither around as the journalistic equivalent of a broken down sewerage-treatment-facility. To borrow a turn of phrase from the brilliant Dawei... bitch is journalistic ipecac.

terrorism?

2006-09-04T09:35:00.000+10:00

The cover story on Thursday's mX (by resident CityRail whinger, plagiarist and sensationalist-in-training Matt Sun) reminds us how outraged we should be about the lack of anti-terrorist measures put in place by our state and federal governments.

On Wednesday afternoon an unidentified woman climbed down from Platform 25 at Central Station onto the tracks. She walked roughly 200 metres into the tunnel and was struck and killed by a train.

"Police are trying to determine how the woman managed to walk along the tracks during peak hour with dozens of rail staff and transit officers on duty"

Well. Let me solve the mystery for you, Matt (and "investigators"). There are no people in train tunnels, only trains. There are, at most, two staff per double platform. Platform staff are paid to signal trains when they arrive and depart, and to play solitaire. That is all. Transit officers are busy sexually assautling teenage girls, fining elderly people for putting their shopping on train seats and generally being offensive. All while pretending to be police officers.

I think I could fairly easily walk the entire length of the North Shore Line, on the tracks, and not be stopped or questioned at all.

The article goes on to compare the incident to the train bombings in Spain and London.

"...the woman's actions highlight the ease of access to rail infrastructure."

There are no physical barriers that will prevent terrorism. Our train stations have no rubbish bins. Why, you ask? To stop terrorists from hiding bombs in them, of course. The Harbour Bridge has two security guards that stroll casually across it. Why? To stop terrorists from blowing it up.

You can't take a knife on a plane, because it could be used to injure someone or hijack the plane. You can, however, take all the knitting needles, pencils and pens you want. They are completely safe and could never be used as weapons.

The world will only see an end to terrorism when we stop trying to protect ourselves from it, and stop pretending we're all so different. Silly utopian ideals, you might say... but what can we do but try? What if we demonstrated respect for other countries and cultures? Not just quietly, but publicly. What if we stopped telling people they need to look out for towel-heads leaving bombs in bins, and started teaching our children the difference between a Pakistani and a Lebanese Muslim? What if we started encouraging our communities to interact with eachother? What if we stopped pretending that banning hair gel and shampoo on international flights will prevent another September 11? Nothing will prevent terrorism. Nothing except a shift in attitude.

quotable quotes #080501

2006-08-31T21:18:00.000+10:00

"So, we're going to have to take a blood test too. Is that ok?"
"Yes. But I will kick your nurse."

"I think that woman is trying to hand out dried fish to strangers"

"Do they hate us because we're new, or are they just bitter about their RSL hairstyles?"

"I don't believe you. I'm willing to put money on this. Fifty bucks. You in?"
"No, cos I'm lying through my teeth"

"I become a totally different person with makeup on. I become very aware of my head."

(Pastel pink station wagon drives past)
"I want to kill that person"

"The bible says so."
"Really?"
"Well, I'd have to write it in with this texta first, but yeah."

"Ruching makes things look like va jay jay... especially pink things. I wonder if it's a part of gynoplasty... 'reupholstering', if you will. Whenever you think of Tonia Todman, think of her as a spokesperson for gynoplasty"
"She does like to ruche things..."
"She'll jump out of a gigantic rouched fake cake and sing a song about gynoplasty - 'If your twat is tight, and your curtains droop, pay the way to have them ruched!'"

"I downloaded all of The Immaculate Collection the other day - I have never owned Madonna before!"
"...and you actually still don't."

"No no... yoga is good!"
"Well. It works for Madgina"
"Indeed. And Jennifer Aniston, no?"
"No. She fellates beelzebub."
"That's a terrible thing to call Vince Vaughn!"
"I don't really think beelzebub would take the form of an unwashed plumber, do you?

stuff... and things...

2006-08-22T21:08:00.000+10:00

drinks... of the friday night kind

On Friday night I went out for a few drinks with people from work. Having never involved myself in Friday Night Drinks with People From Work at any point in my life thus far, I was both intrigued and apprehensive. What to talk about with the people you have micro-conversations with inbetween answering calls all day?

Anyway, I discovered I work with some fantastic and intriguing people. Friday night drinks is definitely on my To Do List sometime again soon. It's amazing how the way you perceive people can change in a matter of moments once you see them outside of work.

Another interesting development of the friday night kind is that [finally!] someone from work asked the ever so scary "Are you... like... gay?" question. I'm not really one to wear my sexuality like a merit badge. I am who I am, and that happens not to include limp wristed gestures or an endless preoccupation with fashion and teenage celebrities. According to said workmate, I'm "hard to read" and "nobody would really know unless you told them" (Look here if you want my two cents on "gay culture"). So now I'm sure the rest of my team at work know all about my rampant and disgusting homosexuality... and the beautiful man I raved on about while drunk.

byron loves:

The Sydney Morning Herald because they referred to Mischa Barton as "...the emacatied former starlet..."

Cupcakes On Pitt - Who needs vanilla slices when cupcakes are this good? If you're in Sydney, go there. Now. The lovely Helen does them justice here.

The girl listening to "Sweet Dreams" by Marilyn Manson on her iPod. On repeat. For thirty minutes. Next to my ear. Yes dear, we can tell you're plagued by many deep and unsolveable emotional problems thanks to your artfully ripped and slightly unwashed ensemble, the nine days of Fudge Hair Putty in your black-with-ginger-roots-hair and the entire eyeliner pencil you used for that misunderstood-abused-teenage-junkie effect. Must you torment the world with your poor music taste? Marilyn Manson is not even emo. You suck. Go back to your LiveJournal.

byron hates:

The customer who called me a "FUCKING CUNTFACE MOTHERFUCKER!" nineteen times in the space of seven minutes today. He has told me he is going to "SUE THE MOTHERFUCKING XXXX BANK!" and that I will be "ON FUCKING CENTRELINK LIKE A FUCKING BOONG!" because once he has succesfully sued the Xxxx Bank for complying with federal banking laws despite his requests for us to break them, he will "FUCKING OWN THE FUCKING BANK!" and have me fired.

The way Toni Braxton whimpers as though someone has licked her ~~vaginal area~~ ear at the end of "Breathe Again". Don't ask me why I'm listening to this song.

Me. Post-illness.

allow me to present the best of (a road trip and) melbourne...

2006-08-16T10:55:00.000+10:00

Best Hypothetical Mutant Powers Imagined During The Trip

The ability to ruche and un-ruche things. Not just fabric, but anything.
The ability to move apostrophes.
The ability to add or remove bones from living things.
The ability to induce vomiting.
The ability to cause hiccups. Hiccups that don't stop.

Best Purveyor Of Foodstuffs - (Groceries, meals or other)
Chan Kong Chinese Restaurant - Sheridan St, Gundagai.
This restaurant was staffed entirely by lovely country-social-club type ladies. Not a chinese person in sight. Very strange.

The most thrilling moment of the evening was discovering the Australian Dishes section of the menu. I challlenge you to find a Chinese restaurant in Sydney that serves Fish & Chips, Steak & Chips or Chicken Nuggets. From the brown floral tablecloths to the green and red floral crockery, hands down my favourite meal from the whole trip. The food was great and the service was beyond brilliant.

Worst Purveyor Of Foodstuffs - (Groceries, meals or other)
Unknown Patisserie in Wangaratta (a town which Munkey informs me is populated entirely by sociopathic serial killers). These twisted minions of satan had Vanilla Slices so pink that they were nearly red. I believe Australis would call the colour Coral Reef Red.

Driver Most Deserving Of A Kick In The Metaphorical Cunt
Grey Toyota Camry - Canberra numberplate YEH - 55C
This man (and his strangely immobile, mute and possibly dead wife) spent two hours in an attempt to break the world record for the number of times two cars can overtake eachother on one stretch of highway. He spent most of his time makin very odd gestures at Sami and I. Gestures that could most accurately be described as a combination of the Tetley Tea hand gesture (remember the ads - "Another cup of....?") and a gibbon having an epileptic fit.
Now, I know it must be very depressing to actually live in the ACT, but is that really the only fun thing to do with your weekend?

Strangest Experience Of The Week
A Tie -

The man who looked at Sami and I walking down the street in Wangaratta with the rubber bouncing balls we had just purchased (neither of which were blue) and half-shouted, half-mumbled "BLUE BALL CUNT BALLS SHIT!"
The kangaroo leg that I stumbled across (almost literally) sitting in the middle of the road in Gundagai. Yes. Just a leg.

Most Disappointing Moment
Holbrook...
Finding out the submarine in the middle of Holbrook isn't real. It's a scale model replica.
Boring.

Worst Tourist Attraction
The Dog On The Tuckerbox - Gundagai
Underwhelming.
It's a dog.
On a tuckerbox.
It's 20cm tall.
Is all.

Best Tourist Attraction
50 Years Of Australian Television - ACMI
They had E.C from Lift Off... in a glass case.
They had huge close up photos of Bert Newton's hairline.
They had a case full of Abigail paraphernalia.
Brilliant.

Favourite Moment Of The Trip Home
The Border Mail
Discovering that the bizarre dual community of Albury/Wodonga have their own newspaper.
You cannot buy The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age or the Canberra Times. Not even the Australian. Just the Border Mail.
The whole thing was a little too Adelaide for my liking.

Dumbest Grocery Item Ever
Only at Coles.
Only in Victoria.
If you don't know why this is stupid, and you're not South Australian... there's no hope for you.

Best Travel Companion In History
Sami
The most wonderful, brilliant and lovely travel companion a guy could wih for.
I think I can sum her up by what she summoned me into the bathroom for in the motel:

"Look at me. I'm much prettier wet. I should be wet more often. If I was constantly wet I'm sure I'd have a lover..."

the one in which he makes excuses for not posting...

2006-08-09T21:59:00.000+10:00

I'm sick.

Really sick.

It's yuck.

Sick, tired, dog ate my blog post.... Tra la la la...

I solemnly swear I'll be back in top form by Sunday.

Scout's honour.

Me. Pre-sickness.

wednesday 2nd august

2006-08-02T08:21:00.000+10:00

310kg (feels like), alcohol units 0, cigarettes 0, donuts 3, slices of last night's pizza 4, calories 3,067,098.

Have been a v. bad blogger.

Too caught up in trying to pass as a functional adult to notice that flat has become filthy in manner of landfill area. Will resolve to spend several productive hours cleaning tonight and not sitting glued to one of the four hundred channels that show Will & Grace, eating chocolate and pretending that clothes will wash themselves so as not to walk down wonky stairs in the freezing cold to do so myself.

Hunted around flat for black scarf for half an hour only to find it wedged under a stack of plates beside the sink. How on earth did scarf get there? I wore it last week. That stack of plates has been there for far longer than that.

Paid phone bill only to realise that I should have paid credit card bill and now cannot take money back. Still, inability to use credit card much less upsetting than inability to use phone. Lack of contact with outside world would be v. inconvenient.

Have noticed that from the back, older scottish men in kilts and beréts look much the same as private school girls.

8:52am. Fuck. Must leave house in three minutes. Still not wearing shoes. Or socks. Or shirt.

if only we could put them in a cage together...

2006-07-29T11:00:00.000+10:00

Tyra Banks:

Has lots of wigs
Inherited Ricki Lake's audience
Has one show a week about "Getting Out Of A Destructive Relationship"
Dressed up as Paris Hilton
Has lots of clothes
Stood naked as a prison guard inspected her vaginal cavity

Oprah:

Has nicer wigs
Cultivated her own creepy cult-like following
Has one show a week about "Exposing Child Molesters"
Dressed up as Tina Turner
Has nicer clothes
Regularly inspects Gayle King's vaginal cavity

what the tabloids taught me...

2006-07-21T15:29:00.000+10:00

"Jessica met best-friend hairdresser Ken Paves when he did emergency hair extensions on her for a 1998 video shoot"

There is no such thing as emergency hair extensions.
At no time and in no situation are hair extensions necessary.

"Angelina Jolie feels isolated and lonely as Brad Pitt remains in Las Vegas, continuing his trial separation from the actress"

We know this because Angelina was photographed buying groceries alone, and later photographed standing on the street with her arms folded.

Sienna miller has a "Co-star Fetish"
How can they tell?
Well. She dated Jude Law, was photographed with Hayden Christensen and Daniel Craig, and has now been "caught" (read: seen) with James Franco eating dinner. What a slut. I can't believe she has stood next to so many men.

NW Magazine says Mickey Rourke looks revolting because:

He's had too much plastic surgery.
He looks old.

Byron says Mickey Rourke looks revolting because:

He is revolting.
He looks sixteen years older than the comparison photo used in the article because it was taken sixteen years ago.

Kim Cattrall ate a bowl of pasta.
Carbs! How scandalous!

Carmen Electra sweats. How disgusting. I can't believe a celebrity would have the nerve to do something so revolting.

south of the border...

2006-07-21T10:42:00.000+10:00

Byron is in Melbourne, which would be why he hasn't posted since last week.

I have an extremely exciting recap of my week away planned for you all upon my return to ordinary civilisation.

There is an advertisement for RSVP on television as I'm writing this. In said advertisement, a man pours an entire can of paint over his lady-friend's head. She laughs. Is she laughing because she cannot believe she will have to spend a few hours combing the paint out of her hair with turpentine? Because she enjoys the damage that inhaling paint at close range will cause to her respiratory system? Because the ad is so bad even she can't believe that her shopping-centre-performance face will be plastered across daytime television like this?

Also, there is a "professor" on Mornings With Kerri-Anne discussing nuclear power. This man pronounces Chernobyl as CHURN-A-BILL.

Daytime television hurts me.

in years to come, they'll say "do you remember where you were during the myer history making clearance?"

2006-07-12T21:30:00.000+10:00

Dear Myer History Making Clearance,

Fuck Off.
Now. Please.

Sincerely,

Byron

why am i posting this?

2006-07-09T19:17:00.000+10:00

As part of my new health kick, I have started drinking nearly three litres of water every day. The follow-on effect is, of course, frequent bathroom visits. I try to avoid public toilets where possible, especially those located in train stations and fast food restaurants.

As much as I'll probably shake my head in disbelief once I've finished writing a post that primarily concerns public toilets, here goes....

I was confronted with this in the public toilets at Town Hall Station:

What troubles me is not that someone would purchase said Asian Fever Shanghai Love Vibrating Cyberskin Vaginal Stroker, or that the skintone of the aforementioned apparatus is clearly non-asian, or that the manufacturers of this product have either a lazy or ill-informed marketing department as the woman pictured on the cover appears to be more Spanish-Filipino than Chinese as "Shanghai Love" would imply. I am not even troubled by the idea of somebody using this product as a substitute for the Sexual Relations their social graces or lack thereof prevent them from enagaging in. What does upset me, however, is that someone has purchased this product, unwrapped it and USED it in a public toilet cubicle. Not only that, but they have discarded the packaging. One would hope that they had a bag of some kind to cart their newfound (and soiled) lady-friend home in...

This, sadly, is not the most disturbing thing I've witnessed in a public toilet.
Two separate incidents during the one bathroom visit today have caused me to reasess my willingness to use The Facilities in public.

While waiting for a free cubicle like most normal people, I watched (well, not closely) in horror as a young man came in, washed his hands, rested his half eaten sandwich on top of a urinal, place his bottle of chocolate milk on top of the sandwich and, well... did his business. Once he was done, he collected his food and walked out without washing his hands.

Afterward, while I was washing my hands, a father and his two children came in. The two small boys had a dog with them, and proceeded to crawl on all fours on the floor of the toilet while the dog ran underneath the doors and into the occupied cubicles. I was walking out at this point, but quite clearly heard a scream from one of the cubicles as I left. I mean, really. The last thing you expect is a dog nipping at your heels while you're using the public facilities.

The general public upsets me. That is all.

quotable quotes #123458

2006-07-05T07:17:00.000+10:00

"...to think that a show flopped DESPITE Kate Langbroek's tits"
"Unthinkable..."
"Well, it didn't work for The Panel either... perhaps Kate Lanbroek's tits are, in fact, the kiss of death."

"Tammin Sursok was voted Austalia's Sexiest Woman. Don't you have to be a biological female in order to be eligible?"

"Now remember, although the penguins may look like Elijah Wood.... you can't have the sex with them."

"He's a Queenslander - just give him a mango and tell him to cut it up the way they do on TV. By the time he's figured it out the weekend will be over."

"...they'll give you rabies!"
"The jeans...? Jeans don't cause foaming at the mouth"
"What about if you're looking at really fugly jeans on someone else who has severe psoriasis?"

big brother or big brother...

2006-07-04T07:29:00.000+10:00

The show threw its critics into apoplexy when the internet footage appeared to show Michael Cox, 20, rubbing his crotch in the face of Camilla Halliwell, 22, while Michael Bric, 21, held her. The police were notified but decided to take no action.

Ms Halliwell told viewers: "We laughed it off. As soon as I said 'enough's enough' it stopped."

The men were booted off the show for breaching the Big Brother rule "about respecting each other", [Tim] Clucas said.

Senator [Helen] Coonan said the show's constant sexual advances towards women "ruthlessly reinforce the kind of notion that women are objects".

The Labor leader, Kim Beazley, has stepped up his calls for the show to be axed. "As a dad, I don't like seeing young women treated that way."

Has anyone read 1984?

Where did the concept of Big Brother come from, children?

Isn't it ironic, Big Brother wants to cancel Big Brother.

What nobody seems to understand is that the Big Brother house does not remove anyone's sense of morals. The producers don't fill the house with degenerates, creeps and whores. They cast ordinary people. This is how ordinary people behave. Twentysomethings talk about sex. They drink... they have sex... they fight... they manipulate... they muck around.

What we see going on in the BB house is nothing but a small and magnified example of the way people behave in the outside world. It's REALITY TV, morons. Everyone has a choice whether or not to watch.

If nothing else, the incident "John" and "Ashley" were evicted for will get people talking. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that what they did was inappropriate, but it does take a lot for people to talk about harrasment... to talk about what's inappropriate. The example they've set is not go wave your cock in peoples faces while your mates hold them down, it's think twice about your motivations and actions where other people are involved.

Oh, and Helen Coonan... perhaps if someone cock-slapped* you, you wouldn't be such a fucking uptight bitch. Go suck a fuck.

* I am talking, of course, about consensual cock slapping. I'm sure Ms Coonan is just dying for a little action.

australian idolatry...

2006-07-04T07:14:00.000+10:00

Lee Harding is off to Iraq to "perform for the troops".

"I can't wait to be flying in the Blackhawk helicopters and armed vehicles that hammer through the towns," he said.

"We get to sleep where the diggers sleep and eat where the diggers eat. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity."

Dear Mr Harding,

War is not cool.
War is not a once in a lifetime opportunity.
If you want to hammer through the towns in an armed vehicle, there are plenty of Xbox games that willl serve your needs much better.

You're a cunt, and I hope they boo you offstage.

Sincerely,

Byron

without a shell...

2006-07-02T00:00:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling a little down tonight.

I realised today while staring aimlessly into space and drinking peppermint tea (my new hot beverage of choice), that I haven't seen any of my friends in a long time.

I've been working full time, something I haven't done in over a year, and the time has flown by before I've been able to get my bearings. It's been a month since I've seen anyone, really. I've had plans with people over the last few weeks, but they've all fallen through. This is not a woe is me post, nor is it a ploy for sympathy. I'm just feeling a bit empty and that's probably why I haven't blogged much recently.

I guess it's funny - you would think that moving to a new city would be a scary and lonely thing, but somehow I don't think it will be. Right now I'm scared and alone in the city I've lived in for most of my life, the city where almost all of the people I love reside. Perhaps I've been thinking too much in all my solitude. I guess you could say I miss the past that I let fly by too quickly. There are a million things I'd pay closer attention to if I could have my life to do over again. Sights, smells, songs, tastes, sounds, conversations... I've only got excerpts on VHS. I want the DVD box set, dammit.

Still, no cause for alarm. Tomorrow is another day, and a day that I'll fill with something amazing, even if I have nobody willing to share it with me.

Don't get me wrong - I still love everyone near to me fiercely and with all that I have, and I bear no grudges, and cling to nothing. I understand that time changes us all, we grow and we move and we lose sight of the things that were once most important to us. Don't worry, or apologise, or feel guilty.

someone's knockin on my kitchen door
leave the wood outside, what
all the girls here are freezing cold
leave me with your borneo
i don't need much to keep me warm

don't stop now what you're doing
what you're doing my ugly one
bring them all here
hard to hide a hundred girls in your hair
it won't be fair if i hate her
if i ate her
you can go now

you're already in there
i'll be wearing your tattoo
you're already in there

got a cloud sleeping on my tongue
he goes then it goes
and kiss the violets as they're waking up

leave me with your borneo
leave me the way i was before

the guilt free three...

2006-07-01T13:03:00.000+10:00

Since my beloved has expressed his desire publicly to make the Naughty Hot Sex with one obscenely attractive man, a small elf and a ballerina, I thought I would do the same. For your enjoyment, here is my Guilt Free Three:

Hayden Christensen
Aparrently the new Star Wars movies are steaming turdpiles of craptacular proportions, but since I've not seen them, nor do I have any desire to... I will go on admiring the wonderful Mr Hayden for his work in Shattered Glass and Life As A House, my thoughts of him free of strange brown skintones and weird hair.

Colin Farrell
I mean... I sat through Phone Booth for this man.

Adam Garcia
Soon to be seen on a west end stage playing [the grossly distorted from the original book character of] Fiyero in Wicked... Mr Garcia has the strange and dubious honour of having appeared in some of the worst movies in recent memory (Confessions Of A Teenage Drama Queen, Coyote Ugly) and yet I still love him so.

And then there are those that didn't quite make the cut... but were it a guilt free ten, would most definitely feature:

a photo essay (or something)...

2006-06-29T00:02:00.000+10:00

Assclown Of The Week

It is trés uncool to walk off the train, down a set of stairs, through the ticket barriers and up an escalator WHILE USING YOUR LAPTOP. You sir, are a very odd person.

For those of you worried about the speed at which your sandwich fillings can travel, Woolworths have introduced Coleslow. All the taste... at half the speed.

Hi! Welcome to Hungry Ack's. Can I take your order?
Why did we change our name? Oh... well that's the sound of your meal coming back up. ACK! AAAAACCCCCKKKK!!!!!

This is what happens when you ignore the fact that your $16.99 Kmart shoes are about to fall to pieces. You stand up while on the phone to a customer, your shoe gives way and you end up on the floor. After work, you walk halfway across the city without shoes on, and purchase lovely new Kmart shoes, this time for $49.99. Lesson learned.

Off to sleep now. Goodnight intermanet.