nurturing narcissism

Do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?

2009-06-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for a goood hair stylist. God KNOWS they're hard to find. I've been doing my own hair pretty much all year, but every now and then I have to put myself in someone else's hands.

I went to a nice guy in a local salon. Aside from the fact that I asked for a trim and lost over 2 inches, I felt pretty good about it when I left. It was even from the front and the layers were swinging the way they were supposed to. I should have looked more closely.

Now granted, this is a hard haircut. It's not enough to make it even in the front. The length has to be perfectly symmetrical on both sides all the way around. And THIS cut? My left side was shorter and curved up, while the right side hung quite a bit longer and curved down. I can't believe I missed it! I can't believe I couldn't FEEL it!!! LOOK AT THAT!!!

How did this guy let me leave his chair?! Did he think I wouldn't notice? Or did he himself not notice?! When I pull up the sides you can see how drastically the length differs from one side to the other. Those pieces by my shoulders should be the same length. Yikes.

I just barely had time to sqeeze that haircut into my schedule as it was. I didn't have any time to go back! It looks like I'll be doing it myself. AGAIN. So I dragged my hat stand to the middle of the room, hung a small mirror on it so I could see the back, and fixed the stupid perimeter my dang self. Then I had to reshape all the layers on that side to match the new length. There's no haircut harder than one you have to do upside down and backwards on your own head!

It actually looks really cute now. I get a lot of compliments on it. No thanks to Edward Scissorhands over there. Way to go dude.

I can't even remember the last time I got a haircut or color that I didn't have to come home and fix. I'm pretty much used to it by now. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the skills to make it right. The whole thing got me thinking. What do ordinary citizens do when they're given a bad haircut? Do you drop everything and go back to get it fixed? Are you scared to go back to the person who screwed it up? I know I wasn't too keen on going back, even if I'd HAD the time. Have any of you ever gotten a perfect haircut? Or do you just learn to deal with whatever you get. As a stylist, I'm very interested in some feedback on this.

Photoshoot 2009

2009-06-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

As I've been advertising my salon and auditioning for gigs, I've realized that I needed a good head shot of myself with my current look. The pictures that my sister in law took of me last summer no longer look anything like me! So I asked the amazing Daina Crowell of Rahne Drop Photography to use her camera magic on me.

I wanted the photo to create a strong impression without crossing the line to "in your face". It had to look professional, but I did NOT want to look like a Real Estate Agent. After all, I work in entertainment and beauty! One look is all people need to judge my competence in either industry. So they had to be a little bit flashy, but it needed to look effortless. I had to fully display my confidence, without coming off as aloof or uninviting. The ultimate goal was to portray me as a mature, professional woman with strong flavors of glamour, of warmth, and with an aftertaste of sensuality. Not an easy gig, my friends.

Daina seemed excited for the challenge. She brought an assistant along for my shoot and took about 300 pictures of my mug one Thursday night. THREE HUNDRED. Thank God for digital.

She had a little trouble narrowing it down, so she broke with protocol and had me come over to weed through them with her. There were a lot of fantastic shots, but these are my top 10 favorites. They're all so different, it's hard to believe they're taken seconds apart! I'll be able to mix and match them throughout my web site, my fliers, and any gigs I have come up.

So, which of these do you think fits all of my photo qualifications? Didn't Daina do an amazing job? I put a pretty tall order in front of her and she delivered it HOT. I highly recommend her to anyone who needs great professional photos.

From the Mouths of MY Babes

2009-06-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

Never a dull moment with 3 kids! OK, well actually there are a LOT of dull moments. But these spicy little morsels keep things interesting.

*Driving past six flashing cop cars parked behind one truck*

Monkey: "I wonder what that guy did!"

Shiney: "Probably littered or killed somebody."

*While I'm unloading groceries*

Squeaks: "Mom, can I have my air?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Squeaks: "Dad said he got me some air from the candy isle."

Shiney: "OK. You need to go fix your hair because I can't concentrate when you look like that."

Monkey: *rolls eyes* "You sound like Mom in church." (oopsies)

*pointed at a man right next to us on the street and shouted...*

Squeaks: "Oh NO! He's smoking! He's going to DIE!!!"

Monkey: "I can run as fast as a bicycle."

Squeaks: "I can run as fast as I can!"

*Hiding under a blanket during a loud thunder storm*

Monkey: "This would be SO cool. If it weren't so NOT cool."

*Listening to a recorded track of me singing*

Shiney: "You know, if I listen to it long enough, it doesn't sound like you. It sounds like a really good singer."

Squeaks: ♪"It's raining, it's pouring, it's whoring, it's snoring".♪

Random Friend: "Why did you HIT me dude! I didn't DO anything!!!"

Monkey: "YES you did, you were BREATHING REALLY LOUD!"

Me: "Why are you the sweetest little boy in the whole wide world."

Squeaks: "Because that's what I WANT to be Mommy."

*When I'm just out of the shower in ugly sweats and frizzy hair*

Monkey: "Mom? If you just stayed like this, would you lose all your clients?"

IF NOTHING ELSE, THEY KEEP ME HUMBLE. What are YOUR babies saying these days?

Why Perfectionists Shouldn't Do Yardwork

2009-06-08T10:02:00.000-07:00

I think poor Jonathan might be coming upon The Change for men or something, because lately he's been having trouble sleeping. You know why? Because he can't stop THINKING. Never before has he experience the burden of being plagued by unsolicited thoughts. Welcome to MY life dude.

He wrote a huge list of things to get done so he can stop thinking about them all the time and start sleeping again. At first this was strangely satisfying, but now I just feel TERRIBLE for the guy. He's away from home for 11 hours a day and literally doesn't have the time for these kinds of projects. It's not fair that they should be troubling him to the point of insomnia. So on Saturday I sent him out golfing with a friend all day, and set out to eliminate as much of his list as I could before he got home.

I started with some major weeding, which I don't think has been done since last summer. That took most of the morning. I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed the process! There's something very soothing about having my hands in all that dirt. Maybe I should run for public office.

After the weeding I mowed the lawn, which I haven't done since I was about 14 years old. Shiney had to show me how to work the lawn mower. Embarrassing. Then I thatched the grass. My poor aching back! I was ready to be done at that point, but on the way inside I spotted a plant that I have HATED with the burning fire of a thousand suns since the day I first saw it in my yard. I decided I was done ignoring it, grabbed a little garden spade, dug it out and tossed it in the bin! Dusting my hands off, I looked up and saw a big plant too close to my driveway that has been annoying me for months. So I drew my little spade like a Samurai sword and started digging a hole for it on the other side of the yard.

As I dug, I kept running into some majorly big rocks. I didn't want them crowding in on my plant, impeding it's growth, so my mission was to remove them. Every time I thought to myself, "This is the LAST one and then I'll plant the thing and be done," I would see another rock behind that last one. "OK, just one more..." This went on for TWO AND A HALF HOURS. Apparently, there are SUPPOSED to be rocks in the ground. But my perfectionism wouldn't leave it alone. I wanted pure POTTING soil around my plant, and I was going to put that soil through a sieve to get it! Finally my neighbor staged an intervention. She came out and said, "Melain! Enough is enough! Get OUT of that HOLE!" I looked around at the now bathtub sized hole in the ground and humbly complied. She helped me get the plant in there and fill it back in with my lovely, rockless soil. "I stood in the rain and spent 5 minutes moving one of my plants last week," she laughed as she shook her head at my craziness.

I came away from the experience with a nasty farmers-tan sunburn, hands and forearms that looked like they'd spent the day with a masochistic acupuncturist, an ache in muscles that I didn't know existed, and a husband who finally got a good night's sleep. That last one made it all worth it.

Five Amazing Days

2009-05-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

All was ready. The freezer was full of frozen pizza and chicken nuggets, the pantry was stocked with a variety of cold cereal and brainless pasta dishes. That is the only way my kids will get anything to eat over the next 5 days.

I was meeting my sister in law (one of my favorite people in the world) in Utah for the BYU Women's Conference. It would be our first time going and I was excited about all the education. But I'll admit, the spring in my step was coming from the company I would be keeping in the next few days.

I could hear the echos of Jill's infections laugh in my mind as Jonathan drove me to the airport. That little premonition was bringing a surge of giddy anticipation that made my knee start furiously pumping up and down, and my shoulders slowly creep up to my earlobes.

I got a little emotional at the airport curbside as my beautiful husband took me in his arms and covered my face in slow, gentle kisses. I looked up into his amazing blue eyes as he cupped my cheeks and said,

"Remember... Focus on the message. Not on the hair."

As confirmed by the previous post, this man knows me well.

I arrived in Salk Lake City and was greeted by a large, bright sphere in the sky which, if my memory serves me, is called THE SUN.

My Jill pulled up in a borrowed car with a huge smile on her pretty face. Our first order of business was to visit some friends of hers and to fix her haircut, which wasn't nearly cool enough for a girl like Jill. And if she was going to be in pictures with me all weekend, I thought it best to take care of that little update right away. While I was at it, I fixed up her best friend Susan's hair too. Then we then drove down to Provo where we would be staying with my friend Sami for the duration of the conference. Sami also scored a haircut out of that deal. I'm just the little Hair Fairy, sprinkling superfab haircuts everywhere I go.

I sorta sprung our visit on Sami at the last minute so she had some commitments that night and had to leave us alone in her place for a few hours. I suppose it was natural for her to assume that because we are both thirty something family women that we would behave while she was gone. But when Jill and I get together it's like two 14 year olds at a sleepover. We got so loud, I'm surprised a neighbor didn't call the cops.

Jill had the brilliant idea that we should learn the dance from Beyonce's video, "All The Single Ladies" which is the most retarded video EVER... until you start dancing along! We probably did that dance fifteen times, laughing harder and harder with each take until the final run through was spent mostly on the floor in hysterics. For the next couple of hours we learned the dances from a dozen different videos, from M.J.'s Thriller to Britney's Hit Me Baby One More Time. Sami and her mom Michelle got home on time to capture our All The Single Ladies routine on film. I can't ever look at these pictures without cracking up. Though I still maintain that we looked exactly like Beyonce and her backups, even in our pj's and heels. Click on that image so you can more closely examine our awesomeness.

After a VERY late night of unrestrained silliness, we got up ambitiously early and took a cab to the conference. The whole thing was NOT what I was expecting. I thought it would be like General Conference, but with less important, more interesting speakers. Jill must have thought the same thing. Why else would we have both worn high heels? HIGH HEELS. We had to walk to classes all over campus, all day long. My shoes were patent leather with pointed toes, worn with no socks. By 5pm, I had 8 small blisters and counting. I actually took a paper towel from the ladies room and shoved it in my shoe to provide some kind of buffer, but it wasn't much help at that point. Jill's maddsexy stiletto boots were causing all kinds of problems too. So we army-crawled across campus to the BYU bookstore and bought FLIP FLOPS. Good riddance, pretty shoes. I'm getting too old for that crap.

While I was in class, I focused on the message like a good little wifey. But all bets were off on the walk to and from. The hair... THE HAIR!!! What movies and magazines are these people exposing themselves to that makes them believe this is really OK?!!! I HAD to document some of my favorites. Poor Jill had to pose for many a faux picture so I could discretely capture someone standing behind her. I admit I'm glad for the entertaining (though slightly appalling) people watching. I needed something to distract me from my feet. The classes themselves ranged between life-changingly powerful and mind numbingly boring, but all in all it was an uplifting experience. I was changed for the better and my "bucket" was filled. Now all I had to do was stay different when I got home and and splash my bucket all over everyone I know. How hard can that be.

Saturday morning, Jill and I got up early and hit up a Zumba class that she used to frequent when she lived there. I haven't had that much fun working out since... well, maybe since that last night with Jonathan, but in PUBLIC I haven't had that much fun since NEVER! I'm absolutely dying to find a good Zumba class in my area so I can go every single week.

The rest of the weekend I spend with my Grandpa and my Aunt. They both have such a soothing presence and are a delight to talk with. I got enough quiet/ reflective time to write two songs and several journal entries. With each morning away, I woke up with a bigger smile. That is more amazing than you might think, considering how physically uncomfortable I was. You see, the day before the trip, I broke out with THREE canker sores, one of which was right in the front of my mouth and shows up in all the pictures. BOOOOOO!!! On Thursday morning I woke up with a small cut RIGHT ON THE TIP of my tongue, which got worse and worse as the weekend progressed. My mouth hurt so badly I couldn't even eat more than a few bites of anything each day. As you can no doubt tell, I am NOT a fan of an empty stomach. We've already covered the multiple blisters on my feet, so we'll just move on. Thursday night at the AMAZING musical concert, a vein in my right leg EXPLODED, giving me a massive and VERY tender bruise. The next day, I went to shake the water off my razor in the shower, and accidentally slashed my thigh wide open! It was a big, jagged cut that bled for a full day and hurt like hell. And all the sitting, which I am NOT used to, built up a pretty severe stomachache that even lingered for a couple days after I got home. So knowing all that and STILL having me say it was the best getaway I've had in a couple of years gives you an idea of how much I enjoyed it.

It wasn't a perfect trip. But if I could do it all again, I would do it all the same. The only thing I would change would be how long it took me to get it up here for you guys to read! Sorry about that. I've had it written since I got back, but was having technical difficulty adding the pictures! Everything seems to be in order now so you can look forward to hearing from me more often.

It's good to be back!!!

REALLY Utah?!

2009-05-09T01:54:00.000-07:00

I spent last weekend in Utah. I tried to be good, but I could NOT HELP MYSELF. I'll tell you all about it when I get a little more time, but until then... a preview:

Confessions of a Stay at Home Mother ~ Part 2

2009-04-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

I color code the clothes in my closet. (say that 10 times fast)

I often shower in complete darkness.

I'm insanely curious about what gasoline tastes like.

I find it more exhausting to spend the day in my pj's doing nothing, than to spend it out getting things accomplished.

I sometimes feel guilty that I don't allow TV in my home because I know it will make things hard on my children socially.

I'm terrible about making my kids floss. I only do it myself like once a season.

I think about sex every bit as often as a "typical guy."

I can no longer stand to buy cheap clothes. Not even for the quick trends. MUST. HAVE. QUALITY.

If I let my hair air dry, I look exactly like Hermione Granger circa The Sorcerer's Stone.

I recently sentenced my entire family to horrible sunburns when I spent a day on the lake mistaking my Continuous Spray Aloe Vera for my Continuous Spray Sunblock.

I do not own more dishes than will fit in the dishwasher together. I refuse to buy more. This is my only motivation to wash them every single day.

I have not been to any kind of doctor for any reason in over 4 years.

It is literally impossible for me buckle Squeaks into his car seat without kissing his face.

What are your confessions?

Lady Logo

2009-04-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

I would like to take a moment of your time to ~~brag about~~ tell you what I've been up to this week. It requires a bit of a back story.

Last October, I hired a graphic designer to make a logo for my salon. The idea was to have some flyers done and out by Christmas, so I could take advantage of that extremely busy time of year. But the guy dragged his feet on it, and a week into December, he confessed he hadn't even begun thinking about it. I realized I would need to throw something together myself if I wanted a piece of the holiday money pie.

In my salon, there is a beautiful bust of a woman with long hair. I decided to use her as my logo image for the time being. So I put her on a chair, took a picture of her, and blindly clicked on random Photoshop options until she looked digitized so I could make my OWN dang flyers thankyouverymuch.

Nothing professional looking, but workable. Several people who responded were delighted when they came in, saw the statue and recognized her as the image from the flyer. It was a great conversation starter and I decided to keep her as my logo image indefinitely. I emailed what I had done along with pictures of the rest of my decor to the graphic designer I had hired, and told him to use these to create my look. I was really excited to see him improve on my amateur attempt.

He finally started sending me things. I have NO idea why he went the direction he did. I saw nothing of my salon in his images. And nothing of my statue. It became clear after several attempts that he wasn't getting my vision, so I paid him for his time, and sulked for about a month. Jonathan, my champion of logic and clarity, gently pointed something out to me that gave me the motivation to take the next steps.

He said, "Melain, you're an artist. Most people hire an artist to give them a design because they don't have the vision to make one themselves. You need a DATA ENTRY artist to read your mind and make your vision a reality, because you don't have the skills to do it yourself. That's never going to happen. Their artistic vision is always going to find its way into their work. You've got to either let go of your vision a bit, or get the skills to do it yourself."

As always, he was right. So I set out to get me some skillz yo!

Now bear in mind, this is NOT what I do. I have a great eye for aesthetics and enough skill to pick up a charcoal pencil and make a pretty detailed sketch. But I've never tried to draw with a MOUSE before. I knew it would be hard. I didn't expect it to be as challenging as it was.

It took me DAYS my friends, but I DID IT. I am ridiculously proud and I simply HAVE to ~~fish for compliments~~ show you my design! I'm not showing the whole logo, just the image I worked so hard on.

I started by painstakingly smoothing every pixel of that picture using the few methods I am familiar with. I'm sure there are quick, easy ways to do what I did, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing, so I went the slowest, most agonizing way possible.

Once I was satisfied with her texture. I decided I didn't want her to look exactly like a statue, but more like a drawing of herself. I found a filter that made a basic sketch outline and converted her. As you will see below, the sketch was pretty rough. I wanted her to be MUCH more detailed than I could figure out how to make her with Photoshop's filters.

So, from that sketch ladies and gentleman, I DREW her details by hand. Or rather, by MOUSE. I used the pencil tool, the dodge/ burn tool, and the clone tool. Look at my masterpiece!

Reconstructing the her face and ear took for EVER and I'm delighted with how they turned out. But I am particularly proud of the hand! I used my own hand as a model. I just held it up next to the screen and layered in the shading as best as I could. Can you freaking believe how good it looks?!!! I'm so full of hot air over this I could just FLOAT!

I was on a role! I didn't want to be limited to just a sketch. What if I DID want her to look more like a statue at one point? I went back to the second image I created and spent a few hours improving upon her color and texture. From that I made an image that looked like a painting. I was happy with the results, until I noticed the hands. I had done my beautiful hand in the sketch!!! I should have done it in the ORIGINAL!!! BIG FAT SLAP TO THE FOREHEAD!

A normal person would have walked away at that point. There was no copy and pasting, the textures were too different. And because I was making everything up as I went, I couldn't repeat the steps I had made to the images. So what did I do? I redrew the hand on both images. I'm pretty good at drawing hands with a mouse now!

So there she is boys and girls. The woman who has been keeping me awake at night, giving me severe neck and shoulder tension, and keeping me from blogging. What do you think?!

Living in Fiction

2009-04-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

I am a reader. I love getting swallowed up in somebody else's world for a time. I find myself drawn to the kind of story that pushes the boundaries of reality beyond my reach. As I sink deeper and deeper into the Rabbit Hole, I am curiously lifted, as though I've managed to slip past all the sludge of my own existence, right into the bright open skies of possibility. Beth, from Living a Quotable Life, got me thinking about all of the many fictional worlds I've visited, either in books or in movies. If I could make them REAL and actually spend my time there, which ones would I choose? Here are my top 10.

10. Pemberley
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austin

"She had never seen a place for which nature had done more, or where natural beauty had been so little counteracted by an awkward taste."

One of my all time favorite literary moments is when Elizabeth Bennett first sees Pemberley House. A big, beautiful house right on the lake, set on high ground and surrounded by woods and rivers. Large, well proportioned rooms with less splendor and more real elegance, and a fine prospect from each window. Pemberley is the ultimate dream house, and *Mr. Darcy**to be read with a British accent* is my ultimate dream man! I would LOVE to step into this scene, but only if I get to be Lizzy.

9. Stormhold
Stardust by Neil Gaiman

"A philosopher once asked, 'Are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at them because we are human?' Pointless really. 'Do the stars gaze back?' Now THAT'S a question!"

This is one supernatural world that I would like to sink my teeth into! I want to catch lightening in Captain Shakespeare’s whimsical Victorian flying ship, to battle witches, to travel by candle light, and to make friends with the stars. I love the idea that there are dimensions of worlds within worlds, and that by slipping in and out of them, I can achieve immortality.

8. Atlantica
The Little Mermaid by Walt Disney
The chance to swim down past the reach of the sun into a beautiful, magically lit kingdom at the bottom of the sea is a dream pulled straight from the imagination of my childhood. My sister and I spent countless hours as mermaids in our pool, having wonderful underwater adventures that could only come from the minds of children. If I could revisit that time and take my sister with me to Atlantica, I would snap my fingers and make it so!

7. The Secret Garden
by Frances Hodgson Burnett

"Sometimes since I've been in the garden I've looked up through the trees at the sky and I have had a strange feeling of being happy as if something were pushing and drawing in my chest and making me breathe fast." ~Colin Craven

I've adored this story since I was a little girl. The thought of having a hidden door on my property that leads to a beautiful garden known to no one but myself is completely irresistible to me. How wonderful it would be to slip away into a private world full of the kind of magical energy and healing power that brings an explosion of pure happiness to your chest. Such a place would definitely be my first choice as a sanctuary from the world.

6. Neverland
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie

"Wendy and John and Michael...all recognized (Neverland) at once and... they hailed it, not as something long dreamt of and seen at last, but as a familiar friend to whom they were returning home for the holidays."

"All children grow up ~ except one." That line has always intrigued me, but never so much as now. Now that I fully understand all that is lost when you grow up. Now that I am too old for Peter Pan to come save me. And most especially now that I have little children of my own. I yearn to whisk them away to Neverland with me, so I can keep them safe in their childhoods where ordinary things still seem magical and pain never goes any deeper than a skinned knee. I want to live with them in a golden sunlit treehouse under cotton candy clouds. Yet here I remain, stuck in reality, running from the ticking crocodile. Time is maliciously hunting me down and eventually, it will catch me off guard and eat me up. I know that there is amazing beauty in adult life. But today, I want to go to Neverland.

5. Sky High
Screenplay by Bob Schooley

"There is no smoking on school grounds. Or freezing, or bursting into flames."

Sky High is like a sugar coated teeny-bopper version of Heroes, for which I also have a fascination. I would want to be a teleporter for my super power. Think of all the money I would save on travel and commutes, not to mention all the hours I would add to my life! I would go to school with all the other Super Kids of the world. We would have the same silly high school dramas and victories, but with a much bigger splash of cool because we would all be Super Heroes in the making!

4. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

"The great chocolate river, the waterfall, the huge sucking pipes, the candy meadows, the Oompa-Loompas, the beautiful pink boat, and most of all, Mr. Willy Wonka himself - had been so astonishing that (Charlie) began to wonder whether there could possibly be any more astonishments left."

From the rock candy mines 10,000 feet underground to the sugar coated peaks of fudge mountain, I can't believe how badly I want this factory to be real! If only Mr. Wonka had entrusted me with his ingenious legacy, I would have dedicated my life to expanding his catalog of hilarious inventions. Hot cubes that make hot drinks hotter, cavity filling caramels, stickjaw for talkative parents, invisible chocolate bars for eating in class... Talk about fulfilling work! If I can't have it for a lifetime, just give me a week to taste and explore and I promise I'll go home happy.

3. Hogwarts
Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling

"Harry had never imagined such a strange and splendid place. It was lit by thousands and thousands of candles that were floating in mid air... Harry looked upward and saw a velvety black ceiling dotted with stars... It was hard to believe there was a ceiling there at all, and that the Great Hall didn't simply open on to the heavens."

There are so many wishes bundled up and handed to me on a platter in this one world. To fly, to disapparate, to transfigure, to be able to set the dishes to cleaning themselves and to camp with a fully furnished pop-up tent! Of course, it comes with a few terrors, such as vampires, werewolves, dementors and dark magic. But that is all counteracted with the existence of unicorns and Pheonix's, of portkeys and magic potions, of Honeydukes in Hogsmead, loyal House Elves, and of course Quidditch! I actually like that you have to earn your magical competence through study and practice. My greatness would be determined by my effort, and believe me... I would put ALL my effort into this one. Especially if I get to have John Williams write my theme song!

2. Rivendell
Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

"(The House of Elrond) was a perfect house, whether you like food or sleep or story-telling or singing, or just sitting and thinking best, or a pleasant mixture of them all. Merely to be there was a cure for weariness, fear, and sadness."

The description of Rivendell is the closest I've ever heard to what my idea of Celestial Glory would be. It is a place of ethereal beauty that is kept separate from the world and free from all the ugliness of mortality. Every resident is an immortal being; fair and wise, with great spiritual power, keen senses, and a close empathy with nature. I don't just want to live in Rivendell, I want to be an elf! I want to speak that beautiful language and live out the ages in eternal youth, wisdom and nobility. Is that so much to ask?!!

1. Fantasia
The NeverEnding Story by Ralph Manheim

"'How many wishes do I get?" asked Bastian.
"As many as you want." smiled the Childlike Empress. "And the more wishes you make, the more magnificent Fantasia will become."

I choose Fantasia as my number one, not because of the way it's described in the book or the movie, but because of the concept of an entire world that caters itself to my imagination!
Mine would be a great utopian city by the sea, where the sun would never burn your skin, the rain would always be warm and sweet, and the ground would be rich and fertile, spontaneously sprouting caramel apple trees and sugar berry shrubs. My city would be teeming with fine restaurants, glamorous boutiques and spectacular Broadways shows. Each sunrise and sunset would come with music so beautiful that the whole city would stand still to hear it. Neverland would be my Central Park, our Quidditch team would be world champions, Willy Wonka would have more stores than Starbucks, and I would keep my summer house in Rivendell, which would be just a thought away.
In Fantasia, I would have it all exactly the way I want it, just by wishing it so! I know there's a catch to this deal. My life will be an open book. The Child Empress said, "Just as he is sharing all your adventures, others are sharing his." Well what are our blogs but a place to share each other’s adventures? That means I'm already half way there! So you'd better keep an eye on my blog, cuz THIS is where my NeverEnding Story will be found.

So tell me. What are YOUR top favorite fictional worlds? Nabou? Narnia? Wonderland? Camelot? FORKS? Let's hear it.

YOU are driving me NUTS

2009-04-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not an especially irritable person. Most things just kinda slide off of me. I love people and delight in the strangeness that comes with them. But man, this week has been rough. It's like some person in authority quietly declared this to be Push Melain's Buttons Week, and the entire world's population is celebrating it! I have a handful of things that make me foam at the mouth, and they have been going off all around me like fireworks on the 4th of July.

Ironically, it all started with a conversation that I overheard about Pet Peeves. Someone named a peeve of theirs, and then everyone else started throwing in their two cents, like people do when this subject comes up. They were saying things like, "My pet peeve is when elected officials abuse their power."
"My pet peeve is people who pretend to be on your side and then stab you in the back."
"Mine is when children are beaten or murdered."
REALLY?! Funny, that doesn't bother ME at ALL! I was getting more and more irritated by this conversation because those things are NOT PET PEEVES. Those are violent emotional reactions to the evils and injustices of the world. A PET PEEVE is a small, quirky annoyance for one particular person, like when people pop their gum. GENOCIDE does not qualify as a pet peeve! As I was on the brink of exploding into their conversation with a slew of insults, I realized that perhaps my pet peeve is people who misinterpret the phrase Pet Peeve. That comic relief in my own head saved them from my wrath. But it didn't end there. Oh no it didn't. (wanna count how many times I said 'pet peeve' in this paragraph?)

I'm telling you, I have developed permanent facial ticks from all the peeving I have endured this week. I could lay down the stories in detail, but I don't think I can stand to relive it all. So I'll take the easy way out, and just put them in a list for you.

When people look at my extremely expensive imported European contemporary furniture and say, "Is that from Ikea?"

Spitting. ESPECIALLY when there's a deep, throaty SNIFF right before the spit. SICK!

Disinterested service people who act like your patronage is the bane of their existence.

When the big semi truck going 38 mph just HAS to pass the other big semi truck that's only going 35 mph. In a 60 mph zone. On a two lane highway.

Stepping on a puddle of wetness in my clean dry socks.

When The Dad over reacts because The Kids are over reacting.

When people who haven't attended any practices still stand to sing with the choir on performance day.

When people say "excuse you" instead of "excuse me." RUDE!

Finding floaties in my beverage at a restaurant.

Jeans that start out a half a size too small in the morning and end up four sizes too big at night.

The A-hole behind me in the theater who chomps his jumbo sized popcorn with his mouth open, kicks the back of my seat, laughs at the sad parts and HAS to open all twelve of his candy bars during quietest scene in the movie. GRRR!

Unflushed toilets in public restrooms. COME ON people!

Indiscreet breastfeeding.

Conversational high-fives. Sooo 1989.

People who demand an overabundance of political correctness, such as, "Don't say drive STRAIGHT through the light. That's offensive. It's drive FORWARD through the light." .... HUH?!

Heavy breathing whilst chewing. Can't you sigh AFTER you swallow?!

People who honestly believe that having a dog makes them a parent.

Grammatical murderers.

Chronic joint crackers. Knuckles, neck, toes... See a chiro already!

The lady that licks her finger to turn the pages of a magazine in a public office.

Celebrities who are loud and pushy about their political views.

Fat girls with mid drift, skinny girls in circus tents... Buy clothes that fit!

When I'm taking a group photo and some random clownsmack pushes into the background with his rock fist and his tongue out. Idiot.

Yes boys and girls, Melain is on the brink of either a screaming tantrum, or a 30 minute fit of hysterical laughter. I'm leaning toward the latter. Wanna join me?
What's YOUR biggest Pet Peeve?

Musical Passion

2009-03-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned my undying love for film scores several times before. The intensity of this passion comes and goes, and right now it's taking over my head! A couple months ago, my BFF put me onto all the scores that are available on YouTube, and I created a playlist that I just can't get enough of! I listen to it all friggin day, whether it's actually playing or not. It just dances around in my mind, blocking out all other attempts to capture my attention. If you'd like a little taste of my drug, follow this link to my YouTube Film Scores Playlist! There's no way to know when a score is going to sweep you off your feet. The movie itself could be dumb as crap. But its MUSIC can still bring you to a state of euphoria! There are times when my reaction to this music is so strong, I find myself stopping to clutch my heart in an effort to keep it in my chest. There are over 80 different movies on my playlist, all with enchanting music that tells a story as clearly as the script it was written for. Here are a few of my favorites:

Slumdog Millionaire
A River Runs Through It
The Notebook
Jurassic Park
Penelope
Edward Scissorhands
Amelie
A Beautiful Mind
Big Fish
The Davinci Code
Memoirs of a Geisha
Much Ado About Nothing
Last of the Mohicans
Dances With Wolves
The Nightmare Before Christmas
Titanic
Stardust
Schindler's List
Love Actually
August Rush
Nanny McPhee
The Village
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Harry Potter. ALL of them!
The Last Samurai
The Jungle Book (1994)
Journey to the Center of the Earth
Finding Neverland
Forrest Gump
Road to Perdition
Meet Joe Black
Apollo 13
Treasure Planet
Deep Impact
The Cider House Rules
Life As A House
The Truman Show
Dead Poets Society
Good Will Hunting

Too often, many tracks on a movie soundtrack are not particularly listenable. They're written to go along with a scene in a movie, so they don't make much sense on their own. In such cases there are frequently one or two 'theme' tracks on the CD that will completely take your breath away. Here are some of my favorites that fit that description.

Batman Begins
King Kong
The Island
Blood Diamond
Star Wars
Gladiator
Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves
Troy
Indiana Jones
American Beauty
Brokeback Mountain
Dragonheart
The Godfather
300
Alexander
Requiem for a Dream

Very rarely, a film score will come along with every single song being so melodic that it's just hypnotising.

Peter Pan (2003)
The Chronicles of Narnia
Legends of the Fall
Bliss
Braveheart
Kingdom of Heaven
Becoming Jane
Hook
Pride and Prejudice
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Lord of the Rings - Return of the King
Chocolat

I highly recommend any one of them to those of you who love the uplifting effect of orchestral music. I can't even tell you how many times this music has stopped me from snapping at my kids, or soothed my spirits so that I can attack my husband with kisses when he walks in the door, rather than with demands or complaints. I don't know what I would do without it.

Do you have a favorite film score that I don't know about? Do share!!! If not, what are your self-soothing techniques? We all have something...

YouTube Frenzie

2009-03-25T21:37:00.000-07:00

First of all, you Twilighters out there... whether you love it or hate it... if you know the story you have GOT to watch this. I haven't laughed this hard since I saw the original movie. But in this case I was laughing WITH it rather than AT it.

And secondly, I cannot get enough of this chick and her makeup tutorials! She has an incredible grasp of the art of cosmetics. If you're at all interested in dramatic makeup application, you need to follow that link. There are literally HOURS of videos available, all packed with excellent information. A little warning: It does make you want to go out and buy new makeup!

Finally, take a minute and watch this adorable little girl dance to Britney Spears Womanizer. She kicks AYUS!

Thank you, YouTube, for helping me ignore my laundry and develop back pain sitting at the computer for hours at a time during the day without ever running out of entertainment. You're the BEST.

I Just KNOW

2009-03-19T10:11:00.000-07:00

Last week my life was a complicated mixture of raw emotion, vulnerability, searing pain, pure joy, casual laughs and intimate conversation. I feel a bit like I've gone through Mrs. Lovette's meat grinder and come out of it alive and transcendent! Some of the roller coaster was associated with Personal Drama that I have no intention of regurgitating right now. But one of the emotional high points that I WILL talk about was my Saturday spent at a conference in Benaroya Hall called Time Out for Women. In a nutshell, this conference is designed to help women reconnect with our deeper, more spiritual efforts. I showed up emotionally scorched and bleeding from the events of the week. Maybe it was important that I received the information in that state, because it all got in a lot deeper that way.

The first speaker started by having us do a brief exercise. She asked us to write down something that we KNOW in our gut to be true. Something that absolutely nothing could convince us otherwise. It could be as simple as, "I know it's Saturday" or something as complex as a declaration of the purpose of life. Her hope was that, by the end of the conference, we would have an unshakable knowledge of a spiritual truth that we didn't have at the beginning of the day.

I took her challenge literally and as I listened, I wrote down a few thoughts that struck me as inarguable truth; something that I JUST KNOW. Reading through my list at the end of the day made me smile. You can see in black and white the affect that the conference had on my thoughts and feelings. Even though it's pretty personal, I'm going to share that list with you.

1. I know that Jonathan loves me more than anything else in the world.

That is the only truth I could honestly feel in my battered state. A pretty shiney accolade to Jonathan, in my opinion. The next little bit betrays where my mind lives without any effort to rise above it's natural state.

2. I know that I have a hard time concentrating when the speaker is wearing frumpy clothes.
3. I know that if Hilary Weeks can be a respected professional singer, than SO CAN I.
4. I know my spiritual bucket is empty, and that I am to blame.
5. I know that I don't know what the hell I'm doing, but that I'm going to keep trying anyway.

The rest came in powerful punches as the day progressed.

6. I know that my life is and will always be a life of abundance.
7. I know that God is not judgemental or critical, like the church gossips would have you believe.
8. I know that I have a lot to offer.
9. I know that hard times bring an awareness that creates an opportunity for gratitude.
10. I know that gratitude is the key to having the happiest life possible.
11. I know that miracles are hidden in everyday moments.
12. I know that my children were not given to me so that I could make them better. But I was given to them, and being their mother has made ME better.

I guess what I ultimately came away with was the certain knowledge that everything is going to be alright. We tell ourselves that pretty often. But this time I could really feel it, and that was a great comfort. My goal is to shift my default mental settings to more closely resemble the latter half of my list. Because when I clear away the mists of doubt and distraction, those are the things I JUST KNOW.

Tell me Darling Readers, what do you KNOW?

My Shopping Confessions

2009-03-12T09:47:00.000-07:00

Have you seen Confessions of a Shopaholic yet? The story was silly, the acting mediocre and the EDITING was DISGRACEFUL! Of course, I was expecting as much. Like The Devil Wears Prada, the only reason I went to see it was because Patricia Field styled it! My husband will be afraid to learn that it has really quickened my shopping lust. Pretty much anything by Patricia Field does that to me. I think most of us have a handful of confessions when it comes to shopping and I am no exception.

Therefore, I confess. I can relate to Rebecca Bloomwood. Seeing the right store makes my heart go like warm butter sliding down hot toast. I try not to make eye contact with the store as I pass it. But if I let my resolve slip and allow even a glance, there comes a heat in my chest that sets off a series of physical responses. The air around me turns to static, filling my body with an electric charge that brings me to a gasping halt in front of the window display.

"I really shouldn't be spending right now," I think to myself. "But it won't hurt to just look..."

I confess, I usually prefer shopping alone. Most women don't make good shopping companions. The whole "You're gorgeous in everything and you deserve it all" mentality that women tend to put on each other is sweet, but not at all helpful. Plus, all too often, there just isn't enough time for TWO or more women to get any real shopping done with all the deliberating that goes on about potential purchases. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE a casual shopping day with friends. But when I'm a woman on a MISSION, the fun girly shopping date just doesn't cut it. That's where my Jonathan steps in.

Jonathan is the PERFECT shopping companion. He has worked in fashion (as the computer guy, but still, there's exposure there) so he usually has an opinion and it is always relevant and valuable. He will tell me to put down the $3000 jacket and WALK AWAY. He will let me know if something doesn't flatter me the way I deserve to be flattered, and does so without making me feel less beautiful for it. He doesn't hover, but he'll check in on me frequently to see if I need any advice or help carrying stuff. And in a way, I NEED him to be the voice of reason when it's too hard for me to leave things behind. Now that I think of it, this is a perfect metaphor for Jonathan's disposition in general! He's ALWAYS like that. DANG what a CATCH!

I confess, it is literally physically painful for me to put down something that I want. All too often I'll find something that is EXACTLY what I've been looking for in every respect. I'll hold it to my face and whisper sweet things into the space between my lips and it's label. I'll caress the hem of the skirt or the strap of the shoes like a venerated lover. My eyes will seductively trace their way down the line of the item, fully appreciating every detail, every nuance, until they flicker over the price tag. That's when the pain begins.

It SHOULD be mine! We belong together! I know I have to put it back, but doing so will leave me feeling like a 16 year old boy in a cold shower on prom night. I curse the fates that I'm not Brangelina rich! I stamp my foot and shake my fists at the *size 4* label on the cutest top I've seen in a year. Then I'll take a deep breath, smooth my hair, and quietly walk out of the store. Once I'm outside, the pain begins to recede. I deliberately look at the day around me in an effort to distract my mind from the images that will try to haunt me for as long as I think the item in question might still be available. I generally try to touch something green. A tree, the grass... for some reason these things help me remember on a sensory level what's really important.

While there's nothing like a beautiful designer coat, it isn't worth the weight of debt. And though I feel like a million bucks in new clothes, I feel completely priceless when I rise above an impulse and think bigger than my own immediate desires. I confess, I sneak more than 10 items into my fitting room, I rarely put things back where I got them, I will notice every detail of the outfit you're wearing, and I will judge you for your shoes. But be it Payless or Prada, none of that stuff really matters much in the end. It all comes down to how real your laugh is, how generous we are with our time and resources, and how diligently I continue to seek a life full of the freedom that only comes with responsible choices. And THAT, I confess, is the mantra that gets me out of the store with my dignity in tact!

So what are YOUR shopping confessions?

The Month of ME

2009-03-08T10:40:00.000-07:00

February is MY month. Valentines Day, my Anniversary and my Birthday all happen within a two week period. By the end of the month I feel so doted upon that even MY narcissism has been completely satiated.

Crafts and treats with kids are a staple for Valentines Day. I love coming up with cute things to make and give to all their little friends and favorite teachers. After that, the night goes to My Girls. Our tradition went back to it's roots this year. It all began when some douchebag dropped the ball on V-Day, leaving my best friend feeling hurt. So Jonathan bought her some flowers, and I went to her house to be her Valentine Date. That's when we officially renamed it Single Awareness Day (unofficially calling it Vagina -Day), and turned it into a Hos over Bros kind of holiday. All of our other friends usually join us for the occasion, but this year it was just the two of us again. We had a lovely dinner and watched some horrible slasher flick, laughing through the whole night as usual.

My 9th anniversary shortly followed. This year we had some friends volenteer to take our kids so that we could get out of town and eat each other up for a weekend. We chose to spend that time in Spokane with our dear friends, Stephanie and Kirk. We turned our music up to 50 and hung out the sunroof screaming at the sky and laughing at the absence of whining in the car. The time spent together was completely fulfilling on every level, dispite the fact that Stephanie got so sick she had to go to the hospital on Saturday afternoon, and I sliced my finger wide open, desperately needing stitches that I refused to get because I didn't want to waste my weekend in the waiting room of an ER. I have a high tolerance for pain and a great ability to ignore anything that bothers me. I put both those things into practice that weekend and have no regrets about it.

My birthday was a weekend long party! Jonathan let me sleep in, made me a nice breakfast, then handed me a FAT stack of cash and said, "I'm taking you shopping. Lets get you whatever you want." The man knows the art of pleasing me, that's for darn sure. He took the day off work, made arrangement for the kids, and took me back to our old stomping grounds, where all the best shopping lives. When a COP drove past us talking on a hand held cell phone, I laughed out loud and delcared "DANG I miss this city!" There was a Russian family chattering as we entered the store, a French couple looking at the Louboutin shoes, and our checker was straight out of Guatamala. I have really missed the diversity since I moved to White Bread City. It was nice to step back into the melting pot. 3 coats and one complete outfit later, we returned home to greet my in-laws who had just gotten into town. We had a birthday feast, followed by a cake that my little girl made just for me! The whole day was flawless from beginning to end.

That would be enough for just about anyone, but I have a group of friends who wanted to throw me a party too! So on Friday night, my friend Julia came to pick me up and took me downtown to get our makeup done and to buy me anything I wanted from the cosmetic counter of my choice. YAY for gift procrastination! The woman at the Mac counter who did my look was an AMAZING artist who did masterful things with my face. Poor Julia didn't do so well at the Bobby Brown counter. By her own account, she looked like the Cupie Doll from Hell. Fortunately my gal was happy to fix the situation and we both left looking like a million bucks.

We met up with Rachel for dinner at my favorite restaurant, the Broadway Bar & Grill, and then connected with the rest of our group at Julia's on Broadway for another go at Le Faux, Seattle's Best Drag Show! It was good food, great entertainment and incredible company; the perfect birthday experience.

I'm a little sad it's all over. I've got plenty of things to look forward to in the coming months, but nothing ever really beats the Month of ME!

...and Many More

2009-02-26T22:37:00.000-08:00

I am 32 years old today.

This birthday has got me thinking and feeling a lot of things. I've been rolling those things around inside of me, trying to find the words for them. When a friend showed me this short video yesterday, my search for those words came to an end.

I have the most incredible group of friends. They have been in my life through some major stuff over the last decade. There are a lot of amazing new people in my life this year as well. They're the kind of people that I want to keep for many years to come. The thoughts expressed in this essay by Kelly Corrigan say so much of what I'm feeling and what I'm anticipating! You can follow the link above to watch her read it on a video, or you can read an excerpt of it below. We're so lucky to have each other, ladies. Here's to another great year of incredible friendships!

TRANSCENDING: Words on Women and Strength
by Kelly Corrigan

"On we go, like women do, limping one minute and carrying someone the next.
For me and women of my generation, it started with play dates, cutting carbs, and meeting on Monday mornings in workout clothes to do awkward moves with large colorful balls. And I can see exactly where it’s heading.

We’ll confer about jog bras and contractors and pediatricians. We’ll gossip about babysitters, teacher and in-laws. We’ll speculate about who had a shot of Botox, who cheats on their taxes, who cleans until midnight.

We’ll persuade each other to bake, fold, stuff and write checks for our favorite non-profits. We’ll celebrate each other’s achievements; opening an exercise studio, a corner store, a jewelry business.

We’ll celebrate our kid’s achievements; making the traveling team, singing in the choir, learning to use the potty or speak French or play the flute. We’ll borrow eggs, earrings, extra chairs. We’ll throw birthday parties for each other and stain the rugs and shatter the wine glasses and mark up new counters with the odd slice of lemon.

We’ll worry about who seems down, who looks tired, who’s drinking more and more. We’ll say things we wish we hadn’t and have to find a way to regain each other’s trust. Things will break. They always do. Many will be fixed.

We’ll fret over our children; too shy, too angry, too needy. We’ll brainstorm ways to help them become more resilient, patient, light-hearted. We’ll protect them fiercely; pulling little bodies from the deep end, double latching windows, withholding car keys.

We’ll bury our mothers and fathers.

Shuttling our children off for sleepovers, jumping on red eyes, telling each other stories that hurt to hear about gasping, agonal breaths, hospice nurses, scars and bruises and scabs and how skin papers shortly after a person passes. We will nod in agreement that it is as much of an honor to witness a person come into this world as it is to watch a person leave it.

People will drift in and out, book clubs will swell and thin. We’ll write someone off and they’ll reemerge later and we’ll remember both why we loved them and why we let them slip away. But we’ll be softer, and we’ll want them back.

We’ll admire each other for a fine crème brulee, a promotion, a finished marathon. We’ll commiserate about commutes, layoffs, mortgage rates, and the High School Musical Soundtrack. We’ll confide in each other about feeling anxious or angry or uninteresting, or how many pieces of Halloween candy we accidentally ate from our kid’s bags.

We’ll confess that we text while driving. Or that we should be having more sex. Or that we yell at our kids every day. We’ll admit that we believe in God, Jesus Christ, Heaven and Hell, or that we don’t.

We’ll give up things together; caffeine, Tylenol PM, catalogs, social smoking. We’ll take up things too; morning walks, hybrids, organic dairy, saying Grace.

We’ll diagnose each other’s brown lawns, torn muscles, basement odors. We’ll check each other’s heads for lice, examine new bumps and moles, and listen to a list of symptoms. We’ll teach each other how to set a ringtone, make a slide show, or download a movie.

We will call and say “I heard the news”. And whatever the news is, we will come running. Probably with food. We’ll insist on second opinions, lots of rest, and the best surgeon. We will face diseases. Many kinds. And we’ll temporarily lose our hair, our figures, and our minds.

Eventually, someone who’s not supposed to die will. Maybe one of us. Maybe a husband. God forbid, a child. And all the celebrating, and sharing and confessing will make certain essential comforts possible. We will rally around and hold each other up and it won’t be nearly enough. But it will help the time pass just a hair faster than it would have otherwise.

We will wait patiently and lovingly for that first laugh after the loss. When it comes, and it will come, we will cry, as we howl, as we clutch, as we circle. We will transcend ladies! Because we did all this, in that worst moment we will transcend."

A Peek of Inspiration

2009-02-24T09:34:00.000-08:00

My house is brand new and, as of yet, completely without personality. When you're starting with a blank slate like this, it can sometimes be very difficult to know what direction to go. Especially when you're like me and have a great love for many different styles of decor. I've been looking for MONTHS for something to inspire a starting point for the direction I want to take my home.

Well I am pleased to announce that I have found my inspiration! Jonathan and I went out with friends recently to a cute little district in Seattle called Wallingford. We had to park in the residential areas behind the main street and walk back past all those houses to get to our destination. I got more inspiration in those few blocks than I have in months of shopping at all the best furniture stores in King County. Though I didn't see anything I would copy and paste into my own living room, seeing all the different ways people put things together, and all the touches they used to bring their spaces to life, it really light my imagination on fire!

I remembered how much I absolutely LOVE bookshelves. I haven't had any wall space for bookshelves in my previous homes, so I haven't thought about it in a while. But when I peeked in those warmly lit windows and saw thick white built in shelves stacked neatly with all those different book bindings, my heart absolutely MELTED in my chest. I love combining different fabric textures in surprising places, and I love LARGE and colorful pieces of art. I get all giddy over exposed brick and have a weakness for white crown molding and the right kind of wainscoting. I love furniture that is bold in color and unique in shape. I'm going to move toward bright, clean, modern colors but with an old, European flavor in the decor and a hefty dose of glamour. I guess my style could best be described as Hollywood Regency. I'm so excited you guys! It's like all the uncertainty that was keeping me directionless before has melted away and exposed the exact road I want to take.

Now all I need is the cash.

Donations appreciated.

Potentially Speaking

2009-02-18T23:58:00.000-08:00

I just finished rereading my all time favorite book, Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. This is NOT a light read. It's a philosophical novel about the murder and rebirth of the mind and spirit of Great Men. I've been trying to get Jonathan to read it forEVER. He spent over two years trying to get through the thing. Each effort lasted about 10 minutes and ended like this.

I, on the other hand, can't put it down. Every time I read it, I feel inspired to rise up and meet my potential. I am currently living up to about 20% of that potential, and that fact absolutely TORMENTS me! I sometimes feel that the human condition is designed to limit us all from reaching our ultimate potential. First of all, there's the 90% of our brains that scientist say remain inactive throughout our lives. What the hell is that all about! I wonder what we'll all be capable of when that veil is lifted and the rest of our brains become usable. Though even if we had full brain capacity, all of our physical needs take up SO many hours of each day, we would still struggle to find the time to do everything we want to do!

That is why, if I had one wish, I would eliminate my body's need for sleep. SLEEP. That unyielding, hour stealing control freak that continually disregards my will and dominates my schedule. I despise the necessity of sleeping. If I could take the 8 hours a day that I burn in REM cycles and apply that time to my own betterment, JUST IMAGINE how much faster I could progress, even on my lousy 10% brain power!

I would spend an hour a day practicing my guitar.
Go to school and get my degree in business marketing.
Spend the many hours it takes to perfect the masterful pieces of art that currently exist in my mind.
Stay caught up on relevant politics and current affairs.
Have more one-on-one Q.T. with each of my children.
Meditate.
Get back into singing professionally, join another band.
Put all my lingerie to good use every single day.
Write a novel.
Do more outdoor sports like biking, swimming and hiking.
Stay better connected with long distance friends and family.
Prepare more elaborate dinners.
Learn to belly dance.
Floss without fail!
Write thank you notes.
Have all the laundry clean and on hangers, color coded and broken down by season.
Watch all the shows and movies that strike my fancy.
Frequently visit the beautiful local waterfronts that I love so much, just to breathe the air.

And of course, dear readers, I would blog more. You have no idea how many stories and songs go through my head in a given day. But to sit down in a quiet environment to put them all on paper, that's quite another matter. By the time it gets quiet around here I've got slurred speech and one crossed eye. Regardless, I have decided I'm going to get back into making my blog a higher priority. So look out Google Reader! I'm about to ping you back up to high numbers!

The fact is, I will never be able to rid myself of the need to rest, and I don't want to wake up one day, 70 years old and aching for another chance to do all the things I could have. I'm going to take this list and work toward just ONE thing on it each day. A lifetime of that kind of effort will surely pay off in the end.

What would YOU do if you had an extra 8 hours a day to play with?

The Many Sides of ME

2009-02-03T21:13:00.000-08:00

My community is going to be having a Sweetheart's Dance for adults in a few weeks. I got pretty excited about the idea, as many of our "couples friends" will be there and I just love to dance. But Jonathan's reaction was,

"I don't have to go to that do I?"

My VERY mature knee jerk response was a sharply sarcastic,

"Oh no of course not! I'll be fine! I'll just go by myself and dance with somebody ELSE'S husband!" Sorry I snapped, Dear Spouse.

Jonathan has been all too clear about his stance on dancing for as long as I've known him. He would rather stick his face in the exhaust pipe of a steam train. I have always known: If I want a fun night of dancing, I go with Girlfriends. And for a fun night of waltzing, I go with Gayfriends. I really am OK with that.

The fact is, nobody should expect one person to be everything they need. We have lots of people in our lives to nurture the different sides of ourselves. Without that variety, we neglect many aspects of our potential and can become very one dimensional. I despise the idea of becoming just one type of person. I don't want to label myself as "The Rebel" or "The Housewife" or "The Fashionista." I have many sides. And I want to nurture them all!

The FUN ME. I absolutely adore my weekends of Karaoke Dance Parties and Movie Marathons. They are like a time capsule back to the days where my biggest concerns shifted between wondering what my future held and planning my next social event. A quick return to the simplicity of that young, selfish phase is all I need to get my head back in the game of meeting the serious demands that I face every day as a wife, mother and business owner. I leave all those duties at home when I go out to play. I throw my head back and howl at the moon! I dance with every muscle in my body and whip my hair around to the rhythm of my own heart. I spread my arms out wide and drink in every witty quip, every peal of laughter. I love having friends that need those things too, because with them it doesn't feel like a need. It just feels like a fantastically fun night! Then I get to go home; my lungs stretched to full capacity with cool, fresh air.

The Intellectual ME. Many precious hours of my life have been spent deep in conversation. I love staying up till 4 am, talking about the every day things in life and digging a dozen layers beneath those things to find a higher significance to it all. We analyse our subconscious reactions to the world around us. We search for solutions to specific problems and commit to push ourselves to the next level. I love seeking out minds I can respect, and then sharing with those trusted few the things that scare me, the places I dream about, and my personal moments of life altering clarity. I relish the company of those that are intelligent enough and BRAVE enough to explore the deepest places of their hearts and minds. Those are the friendships that I cherish most.

The Hero ME: I cannot even begin to explain how much I get out of helping someone through a difficult time. It's like a supercharge that cuts past all my usual energy filters and refreshes me right at the core. It doesn't matter how big or small the problem may seem, if it matters to you and I could help, then I'm recharged! My children are wonderful outlets for the Hero Me. If Squeaks is having trouble putting on his shoe and I come over to help him, he looks at me with those big brown eyes and says, "Thank you Mommy." RECHARGED! If a client ~~cheated on me~~ got a bad haircut and I'm able to fix it for them before a picture or a wedding. RECHARGED! If a friend had an upsetting encounter and needs to yell and cry on me to feel better about things. RRREEECHARGED!

The Artist ME: I am a person who is absolutely bursting with creative energy. Everywhere I look I see an opportunity to create something beautiful. Every person is a future super model. Every room is the next cover of Domino Magazine. Every sad moment is a beautiful song. Every life I touch is a great novel waiting to be written. My mind is so over saturated with clothing designs, poetry, artwork and music that it simply cannot be contained. It spills out and fills my limbs, my torso, my organs. It seeps so deeply into my body that it crosses into the intangible world of my soul and seems to define my very existence. Without the people in my life that encourage that form of expression, I wouldn't know myself. I wouldn't even be a shell of the person I am today.

The Realist ME: This side of me is a gift from my Mother, and what a labor of love it was! Three decades of the dream-stealing conversations that she forced on me as I tried to run my impulsive, over-dramatic, thoughtless ass right into traffic, have trained me to pause and think; to see the far reaching consequences of seemingly small choices. I make a daily effort to transcend my tendency to live in the moment, and I force myself to analyse where my actions are ultimately going to take me. I decide if I want to go there, and change my course if necessary. Then I go on sauntering through the rest of the day in my highly distractible, permagrinning style, loving the smell in the air as I go. Without Realist Me, I would have been life's roadkill long ago.

The Spiritual ME. Spiritual Me is the glue that holds all of us together. This side puts a weight on the other end of my pendulum personality. Without the deep calm that I achieve through daily efforts to heighten my spiritual awareness, Fun Me would become a very shallow, superficial person who had a lot of trouble creating and sustaining close relationships. Intellectual Me would become a pious, critical and unapproachable cynic.
Hero Me would eventually look at my life, wonder why I never did anything for myself, and would become The Martyr; resenting the hell out of everyone I had spent my life serving.
Artist Me would see that I spent out my years living paycheck to paycheck with no schedule, no structure and no notable progress.
Realist Me would be a pessimistic buzzkill with a disdain for all day dreams and high aspirations.
And Sex Kitten Me? Well she'd just be a whore.
Spirituality has rescued me from many dark and ugly monsters that hide in the closets of my Many Sides. Most of the people I surround myself with have a deep respect for things of a spiritual nature. They help me stay focused when I find myself tempted to dumb down my existence.

Those are just the big corners of my personality. I didn't even mention Sensitive Me, or Goofball Me, or Mischievous Me, or Sex Kitten Me or any number of other essential elements of my accumulative craziness. Each trait is enormously important and must be given the attention it needs to flourish. I encourage you to look at your life. Find the things that feel out of balance, and fill your world with people who can help you bring out the greatest sides of YOU.

Tell me: What ARE your Many Sides?

Before they royally screw this one up too...

2009-01-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

I would like to introduce you to the actors I've cast to play the Volturi in the upcoming guarenteed piece of crap, New Moon. In my head, it's a lovely movie, and the characters look just like this. But let's keep in touch with reality. Summitt has openly stated that they see no reason to give New Moon a bigger budget than Twilight had. So I'll just enjoy the movie in my head by reading the book again, with THESE pretty faces to go with the names.

Francesco Cura as CAIUS

Ruper Friend as ARO

Christian Camargo as MARCUS

Remy Thorne as ALEC

Jodelle Ferland as JANE

Raffaele Febbraio as FELIX

Eduardo Verastegui as DEMETRI

Amanda Carrier as HEIDI

Eva Marcelle as RENATA

There is some hope, as the Twilight Casting Director, Lana Veenker, has NOT been rehired. But since the ideal casting agent (ME) has also NOT been hired, the perfect cast is unlikely to come to fruition outside of this sensational blog. Soon the "official cast" will be out and corrupting my vision, so eat your hearts out while you can Twilight Bloggers!

Sith Lord of the Server

2009-01-21T13:28:00.001-08:00

Jonathan's company usually makes a video to use as entertainment for their Holiday party. This year, they ran out of time and were very worried about disappointing the crowd. That's when Jonathan swept in and saved the day. He came home and wrote up a screen play in an hour or so, took it back to work and they filmed it in a day. The video was filmed in the style of The Office, so if you enjoy that show and its humor, you'll get a kick out of this too.

Those of you who know Jonathan are aware of the fact that the man is BRILLIANT. He truly has an incredible mind. He learns things with absolutely no effort on his part whatsoever. It is frustratingly incredible. That fact makes this video even funnier. There's something wonderful about a man who can laugh at himself. It's even better if he can get us all laughing too.

I Swoon

2009-01-15T23:58:00.000-08:00

Romance is a tricky business nowadays. We all hail Hollywood Romance as ideal, but when it actually happens to us, we either laugh in its face, or we label Said Romantic as a desperate psycho. It's a sad double standard. People used to declare their love through a beautifully written letter or sonnet. The closest we get to that now is a sappy Ecard or a song dedication on the radio.

Song lyrics are generally filled with things that would be too stupid to say, but are worth expressing anyhow. Because let's face it. We all still FEEL in poetry. It is the language of the heart. And music is the language of the soul. That's what makes it the ideal venue for emotional expression. A song can cut right through the bullcrap of our minds and our insecurities, to the dark corners of the soul that never see light and that nothing else can reach. The songs that reach you as an individual can be very telling. If you pay attention to the songs that speak to your Love, I believe you would learn a great deal about what they crave, what they delight in, what they look for and what makes them feel complete.

I would like to give you a peek at my inner sap by listing for you 20 of my Favorite Love Songs. Some of the most beautiful love songs out there are about love lost, love unrequited or obsessive love. But I'm not going to list those songs today. Though they are powerful enough to rip through my emotional memories like a knife, they don't reflect my current situation. Thank GOD. So, past hauntings aside, I invite you to take a moment to enjoy romance through the filter of my experience.

*If you're talented enough to read while you listen to music, scroll to the bottom of the post and click play!

Nessun Dorma by Lucianno Pavarotti

"And my kiss will break the silence,
that makes you mine!
...at daybreak, I WILL WIN!"

When You Say You Love Me by Josh Groban

"And when you're with me,
if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear
I feel like I can fly."

The Glory of Love - Peter Cetera

"I am a man who will fight for your honor.
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of."

Come What May by Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor

"Storm clouds may gather
and stars may collide,
But I love you
Until the end of time."

I finally Found Someone
by Barbara Streisand and
Bryan Adams

"You're exceptional,
I can't wait for the rest of my life."

She Belongs To Me by Harry Connick Jr.

"I just wanted someone I could sing to
Who'd listen to every song."
*Jonathan sang this song to me at our wedding reception.
Awwwwwww.
He introduced the song by saying it was 'our story in a nutshell.' He really worked the crowd. They were going crazy!

At Last by Etta James

"My lonely days are over
And life is like a song"

My One and Only Love
by Frank Sinatra

"You fill my eager heart
with such desire
Every kiss you give
sets my soul on fire."

The Way You Look Tonight by Steve Tyrell

"I will feel a glow just thinking of you...
And the way you look tonight."

Unforgettable by Nat King Cole

"Unforgettable in every way.
And forever more,
That's how you'll stay."

The Power of Two by Indigo Girls

"And if we ever leave a legacy
It's that we loved each other well."

Something in the Way She Moves
by James Taylor
"She has the power to go where no one else can find me,
Yes, and to silently remind me
Of the happiness and good times that I know."

Love Song by The Cure

"Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again."

Breathe by Faith Hill

"In a way I know my heart is waking up
As all the walls come tumbling down."

Thank You by Dido

"Just to be with you
Is living the best day of my life"

This was "our song" for the first year of my marriage. Awwwwww.

Ice Cream by Sarah McLachlan

"Your love is better than ice cream,
Better than anything else that I've tried."

When You Say Nothing At All
by Alison Krauss

"The touch of your hand says
you'll catch me if ever I fall"

Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne

"With you by my side I will fight and defend."

Everything I Do by Bryan Adams

"Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice."

You're The Inspiration by Chicago

"And I want you here with me
From tonight until the end of time."

There are hundreds of other amazing love songs that I don't have room for on this list. So let's see how many you guys can add. What song speaks to YOUR inner sap?

Highlights of 2008

2009-01-05T23:41:00.000-08:00

I know New Years is a time that we as a society tend to look ahead. But I like to use it as a time to look back at all the amazing changes and little adventures I've had in the last 12 months.

THEME SONG OF 2008:

I have felt a strange sort of deepening in all my significant relationships this year. It's like my heart has expanded to twice its original depth and my capacity to love has doubled with it. My Jonathan and I have achieved this amazing place of friendship, respect and passion. My best friend Kristen has really come through for me in some difficult moments, which has brought us closer. I have experienced a remarkable healing and forgiveness with relationships that have been damaged or felt strained in the past. Even my children have become somehow more important to me than they were before. Something about the song Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne, puts all those emotions into a tangible form. I've listened to it more times this year than I can count. It will forever take me back to 2008 and all the growth that it brought me.

Enjoy the song with a slideshow of some favorite pictures from 2008.

FAVORITE BLOG ENTRY:

My very favorites are posted on the sidebar. If I had to choose one, I think it would be Blasting the Past.There's a lot of "me" in that one.

GREATEST CHANGE:

The change that brought on all the change: We bought a house this year and moved to BFE. That meant a new school, new church, new neighbors, new callings, new routines, new clients, new EVERYTHING. It would be much faster for me to name the things that haven't changed in my life this year. Fortunately, every change has been for good.
**Of course that's actually a picture of my house.
What do you mean there are no palm trees in Washington!?!**

*FUNNEST* GIRLS NIGHT OUT:

I'm awarding this year's #1 night to Valentines Day. We went to Madame K's, which is a little Italian Bistro that actually used to be a Brothel. They have several racks of pretty little negligees that you can try on while you're there. We played dress up, shared all our entrees and generally basked in our own fabulousness.

Honorable mention: The Sex and the City Sleepover at my house. It's not a night out, but it was a GREAT girl's night IN. We made lots of yummy mixed drinks and stayed up half the night watching 2 episodes from each Season of Sex and the City.

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT:

The missionaries for my church are all young men, ages 19-21. I give them free haircuts every month as my small thank you for their service. One morning, the day after haircuts, they dropped by my house to say thank you again and to ask if there was anything at all they could do for me. We were chatting politely when my daughter came downstairs and asked loudly, "Mom? Why was the cap to the Cool Whip under your bed?" It took about five awkward seconds for realization to replace their smiles with unabashed, wide-eyed shock. I've never seen anyone end a conversation and exit the building so quickly.

MOST IMPROVED RELATIONSHIP:

There isn't much competition for this one, because my sister-in-law, Melissa, has simply blown the competition away. I got to know her last year when we visited her home in California. Jonathan used to say that she and I wouldn't get along because we're so different. While it's true that we are very different, I totally got her brand of humor and enjoyed every conversation we had. This year, she got bumped from friendly acquaintance to Sister Status when she came to visit me for a week. She teased me about my "Rockstar Lifestyle" and I teased her about her Mom Purse... all mutually satisfying shenanigans. I've gone from liking Melissa to loving Melissa, and I can't wait to hang out again for another kick-A photoshoot!

WORST HABIT:

I've always loved running on a treadmill. I turn on some high energy music and do some intense interval training. I could do it every morning and never get sick of it. Well, this year I realized that I could set my laptop in front of my treadmill and watch all my favorite shows while I run. And now, I don't really run. I sorta walk. I'm no longer focused on my workout, because I'm totally focused on the show! I have DEFINITELY seen the results of that lost intensity. I think it's time to get back in the habit of interval training.

BEST GETAWAY:

We really didn't do much in the getaway department this year. But among the few things I did do, my trip to Forks, Washington with two of my best friends definitely hits the top of the list.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT:

One of the MAJOR reason we chose to move here was so that our kids would have lots of kids their age to play with in the neighborhood, at church, at school... I confess myself very disappointed by the little girl selection in Shiney's age group. She aches for that one "best friend" that will really love her and understand her and put some effort into spending time with her. She's such a social little thing and, not unlike her mother, is also VERY spur of the moment, so the prearranged playdates just don't work very well. I'm extremely disappointed that there isn't someone in our neighborhood for her. Maybe the perfect girl will move in this year and fill in the little hole I see in my baby girl's heart.

FAVORITE WARDROBE ADDITION:

I splurged on these red Via Spiega heels from Nordstrom at the first of the year, and I seriously could wear them with EVERYTHING and feel prettier for it. I'll even confess to wearing them while reading and doing housework. They're just that hot.

GREATEST NEW FRIENDSHIP:

Julia is the girlfriend of a friend of a friend who I met at a birthday party in January. When my husband was looking at all the pictures from the party the next day, he shouted, "WHEN did you start hanging out with JULIA?!" Apparently Jonathan has known her whole family most of his life. He had nothing but nice things to say about her, and that's just amazing to me. I'm pretty sure anyone who's known me most of my life would have some pretty unsavory stories to scare people away with. I can't place the exact moment I decided to keep her forever, but there is no describing how much I love being around her. She's smart and funny and has a knack for making me laugh until I'm on the floor clutching my stomach and begging for mercy. She's definitely a keeper.

FAVORITE NEW HOBBY:

I've never made a secret of the fact that I am absolutely NOT athletic. While I love exercise and enjoy things like dancing and swimming, I am all thumbs when it comes to actually playing group sports. Well, since I rather enjoy pushing myself into things that make me uncomfortable, I decided to join a local volleyball team this fall. It's good exercise and, though I'm not much of an asset talent-wise, it has been really rewarding to watch myself improve. I've also enjoyed the great friendships that have come from it. GO RC-TEAM!

FAVORITE MOVIES:

Normally I would have a 6 mile list for you with a dozen opinions to go with each bullet point. But I REALLY laid off the movies this year. I feel like I've hardly seen ANY! I made it to the major blockbusters and the rest just sorta slipped through the cracks. I'm rarely impressed with big blockbuster movies, though I did like some of them enough to see again. I'll be better about giving the little guys more attention this coming year. As it is, my awards for 2008 are as follows:

Best Blockbuster: The Dark Knight
Best Chick Flick: Sex and the City
Best Action: Iron Man
Best Drama: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Animation: Kung Fu Panda
Best Comedy: Pineapple Express
Best Independant: Happy Go Lucky
Biggest Letdown: Twilight

Honorable mention to Frost Nixon and the Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

FAVORITE BOOKS:

I spent most of my reading time this year going back over some old favorites. Jane Eyre, The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Vampire Chronicles... I love them all dearly. But there is one new read that stands out in my memory a little sharper than the others, and that is 'Salem's Lot. It is the first Stephen King book I have ever read. I remember the fights my mother and oldest brother used to have about his bringing those books into her house. Now I fully understand her strong reaction to them. It's not exactly wholesome reading and I don't think I'll seek out any more of his work, but I take off my hat to his literary genius.

GREATEST MUSIC DISCOVERY:

I know I'm a little retarded for having just discovered them, but I cannot get enough of MUSE this year. The vocalist drives me a little nuts, but the MUSIC... It's seriously hypnotic to me! There is something incredibly magical about it. Some favorites: Supermassive Black Hole, Starlight and Hysteria. Just close your eyes, bob your head and listen to the music. I LOVE it.

CELEBRITY CRUSH:

My crushes moved with my obsessions this year. Discovering I could watch TV shows on line got me on these major kicks for weeks when I would obsessively watch every single season of whatever show struck my fancy. And for those weeks, I would majorly crush on whoever was the hot guy of that particular show. So this year, my crushes are divided between a few people. In short, we have Henry Cavill, Sendhil Ramamurth, Chad Michael Murray, with the honorable title of Girl Crush going to Sophia Bush. Congratulations Hotties!

BIGGEST OBSESSION:

I admit that my biggest obsession this year has, hands down, been Twilight. My friends and I had such a fantastic time anticipating the final book and going to the midnight release party, choosing the perfect cast for the movie, taking a trip to Forks, putting together our own soundtracks, meeting the author, waiting to see the movie and pulling it to pieces when it was done. We have had more Twilight themed conversations than I care to admit. I know it's not actually the greatest story out there. But it was an incredibly fun obsession!

FAVORITE MEMORY:

After sifting through a heap of memorable awesomeness, I have decided my favorite memory this year is the visit I had from my little brother Daren. He and I have our own strange little world when we're together. It's encrypted with years of inside jokes that are ever evolving yet somehow unchanging. He's in Iraq right now and I don't know when I'll see him again. But I do know I can't wait for it.

MOST VALUABLE LESSON:

Fear is an enemy, and anger is a wasted emotion. I've known that for quite some time. But this year I learned it on a deeper level; the level required for a person to put knowledge into action. I feel like those two things have been controlling some of my actions on a subconscious level. I'm excited to see how far I can go as I conquer them.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION:

Ironically, my resolution is to become a habitual goal setter; setting daily personal goals, weekly business goals, and monthly family goals. My natural disposition doesn't leave much room for discipline or productivity, and I am beginning to feel unsatisfied by that. I'm ready to start imposing some structure on myself. Wish me luck, and I'll keep you 'posted.'
HAHAAAAA! YAY for my first bad pun of the year!

Because I just can't let it go...

2008-12-29T23:03:00.000-08:00

My BFF Kristen and I have spent far too much of our personal time on the useless task of getting together the RIGHT cast for Twilight. It took a lot of searching and emailing and texting... It was so labor intensive that I just HAVE to post the results here, or all that labor will be forgotten in the sands of time. So without further ado, I present to you the REAL cast of Twilight.

EDWARD CULLEN
Meet Sean Faris. Chiseled yet boyish, menacing yet disarming, lean yet muscular, Toss in a little lightener to bring out the coppery tones under that dark hair, and he could totally pass as Edward Cullen.

BELLA SWAN
I thought I was OK with Kristen Stewart as Bella until she started talking. Danielle Panabaker would have played the part perfectly. Plus, her physical description is DEAD ON. Check it out:

"Bella is very fair-skinned, with long brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. Her face is heart-shaped—a wide forehead with a widow’s peak, large, wide-spaced eyes, prominent cheekbones, a thin nose and a narrow jaw with a pointed chin. Her lips are a little out of proportion, a bit too full for her jaw line. Her eyebrows are darker than her hair and more straight than they are arched. She’s slender but not at all muscular, and weighs about 115 pounds."
Danielle Panabaker IS Bella Swan.

CARLISLE CULLEN
Carlisle Cullen. 23 years old, blonde hair, "more handsome than any movie star you've ever seen". This is Peter Facinelli, the guy they cast to fit that description. REALLY? I don't get it. Dumping a bottle of hydrogen peroxide on this guy's hair is not going to fix the many problems here.

THIS is Justin Hartley. Angelically beautiful face, warm, compassionate eyes, that classic V-shaped body... Nothing to fix here. He's an absolutely perfect Carlisle Cullen.

ESME CULLEN
Elisabeth Reaser did a good job as Esme. But the problem lies in her appearance. Next to The Barney they cast as Carlisle, she was believable, but next to Justin Hartley she would look like a Far Side character. Also, she is 33 years old and totally looks it! Sorry Elisabeth, but you just don't make the cut.

Emmy Rossum would be a sensational Esme. She's got the round, soft face, is young enough to be a Cullen, but has wonderfully soulful eyes with a great emotional sensitivity about her that would work very well with this character. She's also beautiful enough to stand next Justin with her head held high.

EMMETT CULLEN
I have absolutely no problem with Kellan Lutz as Emmett. Though I imagined him to have a bit more bulky muscle, Kellan still looked the part, and played it well.

ROSALIE HALE
The casting for Rosalie, on the other hand, was a disaster. Her surreal and striking beauty is so essential to her entire character. Nikki Reed is pretty enough to be a high school crush in a Disney movie, but not even CLOSE to hot enough to be Rosalie Hale! The coloring is all wrong, the body type isn't even close... I do not understand how they decided on this girl with so many other blonde beauties in the world.

My first pick was AnnaLynn McCord. But an anonymous commenter has brought another girl to my attention, and she has stolen the part! Tamsin Egerton would have been ideal as the beautiful, bitchy, self righteous, egocentric Rosalie that we all love to hate. This girl is AMAZINGLY beautiful. In my movie, she OWNS that part.

JASPER CULLEN
Jackson Rathbone isn't an ugly kid, though GOD KNOWS they did their best to make him one in this movie. But even at his very cutest, he is all wrong for the part of Jasper Hale. Jasper is a General of WAR! He led thousands of ravenous vampires into countless battles and came out on top every time! Of all the Cullens, Jasper is the most dangerous. But this kid they cast looks like one sudden move will make him crap his pants.

My pick is Chase Crawford. I could see myself taking a step backward if this guy maintained eye contact for too long. He's got this aggressive edge to him, with a kind of brooding sulkiness that would very much suit Jasper's character.

ALICE CULLEN
I don't know who's unemployed cousin got the job of hair and makeup for this movie, but anyone who could take an amazing beauty like Ashley Greene and turn her into the scraggley, outdated, mousey looking thing that appeared in Twilight deserves to be publicly scorned and to never work in the beautification field again. That said, I think Ashley, sans the bad wig, terrible lighting and poor directing, was a fantastic Alice. The perfect face, coloring, body and attitude. Fix everyone else on the set and she's a keeper.

JACOB BLACK
Aside from yet another bad wig and EXTREMELY overbleached teeth, Taylor Lautner did a great job as the young Jacob Black. But there is just no way he's going to be big enough to play Jacob in the upcoming movies. By the end of the 3rd book, Jacob is supposed to be 6'6" and look like he's in his late 20's.

I propose that we switch actors, if not in New Moon, then for SURE in Eclipse. My proposed actor is of course, Steven Strait. For starters, Taylor and Steven look freakishly alike. It would be a believable swap. And just look at those beautiful, anguished eyes! He would do it so well. Also, it's my understanding that Jacob spends a lot of time half naked in the last two books. That seals my casting choice. Cuz DEAMN.

THE VILLIANS
Cam Gigandet came acrossed as a bit of an overactor, but I believe it was the directing, not the acting that was the problem. I thought he was a great James, and Edi Gathagi was a great Laurent.

Victoria, however, was ALL WRONG. The very thought of this character is supposed to strike terror into our hearts throughout the next book. Rachelle Lefevre would make a great Anne of Green Gables with her slightly pudgy, freckley, girl-next-door face. But her attempts to be menacing were completely laughable.

I believe Kata Dobo was born for the role of Victoria. She's a perfect match for Victoria's description: "Beautiful and feline or cat-like with long, swirling red hair that looks like wild fire." She's also got an AMAZING body, and her hungarian accent would have been a cool touch. Doesn't she look FIERCE!

THE SUPPORTING CAST
Charlie was NOT was I was expecting, but I liked him anyway. Mike, Jessica, Eric were great. They may all stay.

WHEW. Now if I'm ever forced to watch that movie again I can just squint my eyes until everything is a big blur and mentally replace the cast. That will be the only gratification I will get from all this digging. Maybe next I'll show you my cast for New Moon. It's simply PERFECT.

Dear Seattle,

2008-12-22T09:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure there's any place quite as relaxed and cool as you are. Your incredible beauty and diversity are huge selling points, and your candy-bars-for-everyone tree-hugger attitude is so endearing. You've got all the advantages of a big city with the attitude of a small one. You're brave and adventurous and friendly... Simply put, I love you Seattle.

But when it snows, I don't even recognize you! The entire city shuts down over a mild frost on the grass. People are terrified to leave their houses. Cars are abandoned ON THE FREEWAY! I'm not making this up! Two years ago, all our schools were canceled because of a snow storm. Everyone was talking like we'd been transported to the Arctic. But it was like the Emperor's New Snow. I listened to the panic on the radio while looking outside wondering at what point someone had slipped me crazy pills..

I stepped out and took a picture that day. That's the school across the street from my old house. Clearly, the roads are unsafe and cancellation is our only option. I hope you're picking up on the sarcasm cuz I'm layin it on pretty thick. Apparently it had snowed in a suburb northeast of Seattle. So we all had to stay home for a week.

What.
The.
Hell.

We are definitely in a "here we go again" situation. My kids have been home all week because the Idiot Weatherman said it might snow. For the record, we DID get snow this weekend. But there's no SCHOOL on the weekend now IS THERE! Last Wednesday was a school day. And where did we spend that day? At McDonalds with half the other kids in our city. A proud day for America. Notice all the piles of snow and the dangerous icy roads in the background? That's one less day of summer break. Thanks for that.

Then the Idiot Weatherman started telling us we were in for the wind storm of the century, with 90 mph gusts attacking from the mountain. It was a certainty that entire communities would lose power for who knows how long. We went out and dropped a few hundred bucks on a propane heater, a carbon monoxide detector, some lanterns and a million batteries. Merry friggin Christmas to us. We turned our Freezer all the way up to ROCK SOLID, (yes, that's a real setting) and turned the heat in our house up to 80, hoping to preserve some warmth for as long as possible after the power went out. We gave each kid a lantern, gloves, extra blankets... We went to bed that night in our warmest clothes, sent farewell emails to all our friends, shut down all the computers, wrote a living will... OK maybe not that last one, but we were certain we would wake up and be able to see our breath in our own bedroom. Instead, we woke up so hot we had removed half our clothes in our sleep and were dangling limbs off the bed.

Now we've exhausted our budget on useless emergency items and have nothing left to buy things that would come in very handy, like some sleds and a snow shovel. I had to shovel my porch yesterday with a soft rake and a push broom (for all the good it did.)

OK I'm done complaining. Now that I've got that out of my system, I can get excited about having my first White Christmas in YEARS. I can look forward to snowmen and hot chocolate. I can be absolutely THRILLED that we didn't lose power on Christmas week, cuz that would have sucked. And now, next time the Idiot Weatherman fails to predict an upcoming natural disaster, we'll be prepared. I guess there's no real bad news here. Just do something for me Seattle. CHILL THE FREAK OUT! It's just a little snow.