Road Rage and Taxi Tales

2008-12-20T21:00:00.005-07:00

Well. I'm still alive, but still don't have Internet at my house. I'm working fulltime in the cab business, but don't really have the energy to post on a regular basis.

Exciting things are happening in the cab world, and hopefully, sometime real soon, I will have the energy and opportunity to write about what's happening.

Thanks for stopping by.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Stayin' Alive

2008-08-30T19:12:00.002-07:00

I want to thank all my loyal readers for their persistence in coming back to this site over and over,even though I haven't posted anything lately.

I'm doing fairly well physically, in that I have a complete diagnosis and treatment plan. However, my finances are completely in the dumper (also known as the toilet, crapper, sh*tter, and porcelain pie-catcher [that last one is my invention]). It's been a long slow road to catch up on my rent. Maybe someday soon I'll be able to afford an Internet hookup in my house. Until then, again, thank you all for your support.

By the way, don't wait - go see your doctor as soon as you feel "under the weather." He or she probably misses you, and it could save your life.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Why I've Been Absent, Part Two

2008-04-13T03:00:00.005-07:00

As I said at the end of "Why I've Been Absent, Part One" on February 9 of this year my life took an abrupt turn. My health began to fail me. It started with a cough. And went downhill from there...

I was down with the flu for ten days. Then I worked for a couple of days, and went down with a really bad cold. Which apparently turned into "walking pneumonia." The cherry on this little cake? I went functionally deaf for about two weeks. More time in bed. Working fewer hours when I did take a cab out. Ignoring the signs of impending disaster...

Because I don't have health insurance (a stupid situation, because I could have afforded it, as it would have cost less than my smoking habit, which by the way ended on February 9), I kept putting off seeing a doctor until March 13. At that time I was treated for the pneumonia. And told I had very high blood pressure. So high that I should have been immediately referred to an Emergency Room. But all the doctor said was, "You might want to have that looked at." No urgency was attached to the situation. I figured I'd save up some money and come back when I could afford to. Later on, a friend of mine told me I couldn't afford to wait, I needed to get treatment immediately, that the doctor should have insisted I go to an ER immediately.

But I waited. Five days later, suffering from extreme "blahs" and continual mild to moderate headaches, I finally decided to go to the local Emergency Room. Even at this point I dragged my feet. I worked most of a shift, dropped my cab off, got in my car, and went to Del Taco for dinner. Well, why not? It was "Taco Tuesday", three for a dollar. I ate half-a-dozen, and washed them down with a large Mountain Dew.

After dinner, my plan was to go home, and put together a few things I would want in case I was admitted. You know, things like books, toiletries, a few pairs of underwear and socks, pajamas, and my cellphone charger. Another plan thwarted
by the vagaries of life. Given the route I take home, my apartment is only about a quarter of a mile past the hospital. I never made it.

On the way home, I developed a very bad headache, shortness of breath, nausea and blurry vision. I decided to skip home, and go right to the ER. I guess I didn't say the right things to the receptionist, because I had to wait about forty-five minutes to see the triage nurse. I guess collapsing to my knees in front of her didn't convey any urgency. To be fair, since I couldn't hear what she was saying over the noise in the lobby (still functionally deaf at this point), I took the contact form from her to fill it out. She may have thought I went to my knees to be level with her desk, making it easier for me to fill out the form.

My friend Dean said that rather than standing up and going to a chair to wait, I should have just clutched my chest and laid down on the floor. He says this puts you to the head of the line every time. That's good to know, just for future reference. But I didn't think of doing something like that. So I took as seat, alternately crying, moaning and holding my head, praying I would hear my name called over the bedlam in the waiting room.

I found out later that a forty-five minute wait was relatively short. When I was called back by the nurse, the first thing she did was take my blood pressure. Which was so high that she went into overdrive. Within minutes I had an IV line in place, and serious blood pressure meds were being pumped into me.

Was I scared? Sure for about two minutes, which was how long it took for the nurse to get a syringe of morphine from the drug locker, hook it up to the IV, and squirt it into me. And about four seconds more for the morphine to take effect.

Once in my brain, the morphine instantly erased the pain, and filled me with an incredible sense of euphoria, well-being, and a complete disregard for the seriousness of my situation. I reverted to form and started telling taxi jokes, which were well received. Then I told a couple of morphine jokes which really cracked the nurses up. Actually, they're funny riddles. Here they are:

Question: What's the dumbest a nurse can ask? Answer: Would you like some morphine for the pain?

Question: What's the second dumbest question a nurse can ask? Answer: Would you like some more morphine?

This was my answer to the first question: "Sure would."

This was my answer to the second question: "Why wouldn't I?"

When asked the second question a second time, this is what I said: "You know, a good bartender doesn't ask questions. She just keeps the drinks coming."

Actually, I didn't say that out loud. But I was thinking it. She must have been a mind reader, 'cause she poured me another, and just kept them coming.

So, I was in the ER for a few hours while a bunch of tests were done. After a while a doctor came over to talk to me. "Cab Guy," he says, "In addition to severe hypertension, you are suffering from acute kidney failure. You're down to about 15% of normal renal function."

Which is devastating news. Or would have been if I wasn't juiced up on morphine. This is the beauty of morphine: when administered as a clinical dose calculated to ease pain, it leaves me lucid and completely aware of my situation. But calm. Very calm. It should have pained me to hear his words. But pain is pain, even if it's emotional. And morphine eases pain...

Looking him straight in the eye, I said, "Hmm... well I'm not surprised!" I could tell that this response was unexpected and shocking to him. The conversation continued:

"Doesn't this bother you?"

"I'm sure it will later, Doctor, after I sober up!"

"But you haven't been drinking!"

"And that's the beauty of morphine, Sir! After it wears off I'll worry about my condition. Right now I trust you'll fix me up."

Or words to that effect.

Shortly thereafter that I had my own private room. In the Intensive Care Unit. Where I laid flat on my back for the next five days. Mostly deaf. Hooked up to an IV tower with a continual infusion of blood pressure and kidney medications. And morphine, at least for the first day or two. But I didn't care, because I had constant care from a whole series of nurses. Who were all very friendly, competent and compassionate.

Who ran the gamut from very attractive to smokin' hot. Except for Steve, who I'm sure most women would have found to be attractive, but didn't do a thing for me. But he was a friendly guy who laughed at my jokes, so he was okay in my book.

Pretty nurses, a comfortable bed, and morphine. What more could a Cab Guy want?

To be continued...

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Why I've Been Absent, Part One

2008-04-12T23:45:00.003-07:00

Thank you to all my loyal reader and new visitors for your patience with my progress here at RRTT. Allow me to explain why I haven't been too active lately.

When I first started this blog, it was my goal to post a new entry at least three or four times a week, to give people a taste of what the cab business is like from my point of view. However, I generally had something to say almost every day, and had a lot of fun saying it. Having been in the business for almost ten years, I had a tremendous store of stories and anecdotes, and of course gained new stories all the time.

I don't know about you, but my experience has shown that no matter what my plans are, my life doesn't always follow my plan. Which is okay, because I've learned to enjoy the surprise twist and turns of the human experience. Around about the first of December, 2007 I have run into a whole series of twists and turns. Unfortunately most of them were of the negative variety. Which doesn't worry me, because I love a challenge.

The first challenge was financial, which in some of my earlier posts I discussed how things in the industry were affecting my bottom line, and therefore my wallet. The impact of this challenge on RRTT was I couldn't afford my Internet connection. I attempted to overcome this but writing some articles, copying them to a CD-ROM, and going to Kinko's/Fed-Ex, and renting a computer to upload the articles. This worked for a little while.

And then my computer decided to have a stoke, which I haven't been able to have repaired yet. It should be a simple fix, but alas, it is not. What happened is that there is a small battery in the computer, which powers the real time clock, and apparently the On/Off circuitry. Even when the computer, which is a notebook, has a full battery, or is plugged into AC, it won't start. It's a really good computer, which I got from Fry's Electronics, a reputable company. I've had it for several years, so the warranty has expired, which is unfortunate, because the whole battery issue is the result of what I think is a curious design flaw.

If you're thinking, "Hey Cab Guy, why don't you just replace the damn battery and be done with it, and start posting more stories?" I completely understand. I mean, it's a watch battery costing no more that $10.00 (American). It shouldn't be a problem. And it shouldn't be. But there's that curious design flaw...

You see the battery is easily accessed by lifting the keyboard up. However, rather than being connected to the computer through a socket, it is inside a shrink-wrapped envelope, with power leads that are then plugged into the motherboard. I actually like this design, for two reasons. First, were the battery to leak or corrode, the plastic envelope would protect the computer from damage. Second, because there is no socket, any battery of the proper voltage that would fit inside the computer could be utilized, making replacement fairly simple, even if a battery of the original size couldn't be found.

But here's the rub: the power leads plug into the motherboard deeper inside the chassis, and I haven't been able to figure out how to disassemble it to access the plug-in. I am hesitant to just cut the battery off the leads and splice a new one on, and I can afford to have a techie geek fix the problem.

So I haven't been able to do much writing, either for RRTT or www.DiscoBisquit.blogspot.com, which is very frustrating to me. I have things to say, and I want to say them, just for the satisfaction of knowing that some people want to hear me ramble.

So... just about the time that me finances started to improve, life to an abrupt turn...

To be continued...

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

The Problems Continue

2008-02-26T17:15:00.005-07:00

Still having connectivity problems. Thanks for you patience... keep checking back here every once in a while.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Problems, Problems, Problems

2008-01-17T13:31:00.001-07:00

I'm still having computer and internet service issues. I probably won't have this site up again full-time before March 1, 2008.

Thanks for checking in. I am still writing stories, just not having much opportunity to post them.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

2007-12-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Hi. Thanks for coming here. I'm having computer problems, will continue posting and keeping you informed of new site updates when I resolve these issues.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

My New Website

2007-12-19T05:45:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that I'm not posting as often as I used to. My November 18, 2007post gave a partial explanation: lack of energy.

But I'm also working on a new website. Let me tell you what's going on.

Some of you know that I have at least one other blog. It's named "Disco Bisquit," and it's where I post my fiction stories.

So what's a Disco Bisquit? It's a "hit" (dose) of the designer drug "Ecstasy." So why did I choose that name for my site? Because I get a feeling of ecstasy every time I finish one of my fiction stories, and every time someone reads one.

I know... it's a dumb reason. But, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Johnny Wraith has advised me all along to combine the two sites. I've finally taken the plunge, and have been working feverishly on the debut. Meanwhile, since time is limited, something has to give. The "something" is my post frequency.

I plan to debut the new site around the middle of January. I don't expect to put up too many new posts at either RR&TT or DB between now and then. As a matter of fact, it's probably not worth checking here for new updates more than once a week. For a while after the new site is "up," I'll "clone" any new posts or stories at the old and new sites. Eventually, all new content will appear exclusively at the new site.

I'm really excited about the potential of the new site. It will be more than just a blog. Different types of stories will appear in different forums. There will also a general discussion forums, and I'll plan to allow some of you to moderate your own forums (send me an e-mail if interested). I'm leaving room for expansion, such as a store, among other things.

Although the new site is already web-accessible, I don't want to reveal the name of it just yet. When I'm ready to debut it, I'll let you know. Meanwhile, if you want to get a general idea of the "look and feel," check out "Johnny Wraith Stories" (linked at 'Web Favorites' box on sidebar). Both his site and my new one use the same web design toolset and templates, the DoodleKit, by DoodleBit.

If you get a chance, you might want to check out DoodleBit.Com. They offer free web-hosting, and access to the DoodleKit, to allow you to create your own professional website.

Don't get me wrong: I really like Google Blogger. But I absolutely love DoodleBit's DoodleKit.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Lack of New Posts Explained; and Cab Cheats: Part Three

2007-12-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

Thank you to all of my loyal visits who have helped support me blog. Over the last two weeks or so, my activity has dropped precipitously; here's why. Also, the explanation of the final "cab cheat," known as "ghosting."

Since late November, a lot of thing have happened in my life, which have all combined (substitute "conspired" if you like conspiracy theories) to interfere with my life to the extent that providing new content on this site has had to move all the way to the back of the bus.

As I wrote on November 28, 2007 (Cab Guy Jumps Ship) I had problems with XZY Cab company to the extent that I left them and moved to ABC (both XZY and ABC are aliases, if you're new to this site); I got hired immediately, but didn't actually begin driving until December 9, 2007 (my choice).

Around about this time, I took a couple of days off to visit Johnny Wraith in Tucson (to learn more about Johnny, click the following links on the sidebar: "Legal Disclaimer" (in 'Critical Info' box), and "Disco Bisquit" or "Johnny Wraith Stories" (in 'Web Favorites' box). Bracketing my visit with Johnny, I took off several days of before and after the visit, which is why I didn't actually get back into a cab until December 9.

Well... then the Fit hit the Shan (the punchline to one of my Mom's old jokes... sorry).

On December 9, ABC Cab Company transitioned to a whole new dispatching system, including all new (and way more complex) computer terminals in the cabs, new radio protocols, new zone maps, new message codes, etc. Needless to say, having to learn a whole new system has been a challenge. It's a radically different system; you'd probably have to be in the 'cab world' to understand just how revolutionary, and challenging, a new zone map is, let alone all the other stuff.

Mind you, I'm not complaining. In my decade in this business, I've had to deal with many other evolutionary changes in dispatching. It's just that this one has so many changes over so many dimensions that it is literally a radical, revolutionary change. I have to use up so much mental energy to learn it all, at the same time that I'm trying to make a living. I'm not on "autopilot" yet, and when I come home, the last thing I can really do is keep up with this blog.

Okay, so I've got my excuse for not posting out of the way. Now on to "ghosting."

I have told the "ghosting cheat" story to many, many people, both in the cab business, and outside of it. Those in the business get it right away, because the technical details are a part of their way of life. It's the technical details that cause the 'civilians' to look at me as if they wished I would just STFU. Even though they had asked me to explain it to them!

So it's taken me quite a while to figure out the bare-bones details needed to tell the story, so that the average person with just a passing interest in this cab cheat could grasp it's impact. Let me give it a go:

Fully automated computer-based dispatch systems generally rely on a GPS antenna in the cab, hooked up to the communication system, to report the current location of each cab. This is to enable the system to appropriately match calls to cabs.
Calls that are not yet matched to a cab fall into two broad categories: a: Pending (match only to a cab within the zone, or a certain radius of the pick-up address), and Bid-Available (send to any cab that bids, or asks, for the call, regardless of where the cab is). With both ABC and XYZ companies, a call will remain 'Pending' for about five minutes. During this period, the computer will attempt to match the call to a cab (either in the zone the call is in, or out to a certain distance from the pick-up). If a call is unmatched after five minutes, then the call is displayed on a "bid screen." Now cabs can bid on a call; at the same time the computer will continue to attempt a match (checking to see if cabs move into the zzone, or within the radius), in case no one bids on it right away.
If a driver "ghosts" his cab, he can trick the computer into thinking he is eligible for a Pending call when, in reality, he isn't. (He does this by "telling" the computer where he wants the computer to think he is, as opposed to where he really is.) By doing this, a ghost driver "gets the jump" on the bidding process. Since bidding is "first come, first served," anyone willing to do this will create a HUGE unfair advantage for himself. His average wait time between calls will go down, allowing him to do more calls per shift. More calls equals more income.
XYZ company threatened to fire me for merely confirming that I could ghost my cab. I did not take any calls during this short experiment. But I was able to trick the computer as to my location, and it did offer me calls that were not yet available to the whole fleet. My friend Dean C. (to whom I taught the method) did take a couple of calls this way, but after his experiment, told me he wouldn't do it anymore. It didn't matter. He was fired because he would neither admit to, nor apologize for his actions when company management challenged him.
Company management said they were firing all of the people they caught ghosting. I was spared because I all I did was confirm the rumor about how it worked. If I had taken any calls this way, I would have been fired too.
However, the same day Dean C. was canned, along with seven others, at least ten other drivers (excluding those fired) were doing it (the explanation is just too arcane; take my word for it: I didn't guess they were doing it - my computer terminal showed me that it was happening). The next day, the day I quit, at least twelve cabs were actively ghosting. Another XYZ cabbie, a friend of Dean C., was taught how to interpret the data on his cab terminal to see if there are any ghosts. To this day, every time Dean asks him, he reports not less than twelve active ghosts.

So the company isn't firing all ghosts. Just the one's who aren't on the special "feed" list. Who keeps the list? Who knows.

I think I know who several of the ghosts are, though. I usually would book about $300.00 worth of business in a twelve hour shift. This is about 25 to 40 percent more than the average driver (what can I say? My email says it all: "SuperCabbie@gmail.com! My suspected ghosts all consistently brag about booking in excess of what amounts to 80 to 100 percent more than the average.

How do they do it? I'm pretty sure they're probably ghosting. The dirty, rotten scumbags.

And the managers letting them do it? They're dirty, rotten scumbags, too. But since each driver is contracted the same as any other, it can be argued that to have management favor one group over another is a fradulent business practice. The type of fraud that is criminal, not just civil. With prison as a penalty if caught.

So I feel justified in referring to these managers as dirty, rotten, scumbag CRIMINALS!

I can't work with or for people like this. Could you?

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

You want to do what?

2007-12-13T20:30:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been extremely busy in my real life, not to mention the cab world, so I haven't been able to finish my "Cab Cheats" series. This ought to tide you over.

The other day I went to a very nice house to do a pickup. A young couple came out of the house and got in the cab. They gave me the address of their destination, I dropped the meter, and off we went. They immediately started making out in the back seat.

After about five minutes, the guy comes up for air, and asks,

"Hey, if I gave you an extra hundred dollars, could we have sex in the back seat?"

I thought about it for a few seconds, and then said,

"Well, okay... but your girlfriend will have to drive!"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not gay. Just a working man trying to make some extra dough.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Cab Cheats Part Two - Feeding

2007-12-08T19:45:00.000-07:00

Supposedly, all cab drivers within a particular company are supposed to be working on an even playing field, with all having equal access to calls for service offered by the company. However, in some cases, in some companies, some drivers have a higher earning potential because of a scam known as "feeding."

Feeding is generally defined as a driver being given a call by a dispatcher (or other cab company employee) in a manner other than receiving it through normal methods. It may or not be the result of collusion between the driver and dispatcher, and may or may not result in the dispatcher being "paid off" by the benefiting driver. To understand how the feeding process works, it helps to understand how the "standard" dispatching system works.

At my old cab company, XYZ, and my new cab company, ABC, calls for service are dispatched by a computerized call-to-cab matching system. Each cab has a computer terminal in it, connected to the company's host computer through a radio-modem system. The cab terminal has a GPS antenna, to provide a real time position report to the host computer of where each cab is located. This information is used to determine which cab gets which of the calls that may be available.

Although XZY and ABC use the same basic equipment and software, there are some differences. XYZ uses GPS-based matching, where a call is matched to the closest cab; ABC uses Zone-based matching, where a call is matched to the first cab "up" in the zone the call originates in. Both systems have their advantages and disadvantages. I've worked under both systems, and don't really have a preference of one over the other.

In theory, after calls are entered into the computer system by customer service representatives, the host computer handles the actual dispatching of the calls. However, there is a human operator to oversee the system, and to communicate with the drivers regarding the status of the system.

For example, a call may come up in a zone that does not have any cabs in it, or in any adjacent zones. If the dispatcher left the system to it's own devices, the call might never get covered, because a cab might never match to it, or bid on it. At this point the dispatcher might "advertise" the call, to induce a cabbie to cover it.

For example, the dispatcher might send a fleet-wide message saying something like, "The call in zone 233 has wings!" meaning the party wants to go to the airport. This message should generate interest among the drivers, leading one or more of them to bid on the call, thereby maintaining an adequate level of customer service.

However, rather than sending a fleet-wide message, the dispatcher might send the same message to a select driver, allowing only that driver to have the extra information about the call. Moving one step further along, the dispatcher might just override the matching system, and send the call directly to a particular cab. This is the genesis of "feeding."

Even at this stage, the feeding might be relatively benign. The dispatcher may just be sending the message or call to the closest cab, not a co-conspirator; in a future similar circumstance, another cab may be closer, and it's driver will be favored. The motivation of the dispatcher in this type of case is not to favor a particular driver, or group of drivers, but to favor the customer, and get the call covered. Or, maybe, just get the call covered so he can go smoke a cigarette.

Even though a particular driver isn't being favored, this activity is usually frowned on by everyone involved, simply because it looks subversive. It's generally best to advertise calls, and let the cabbies, through the bidding process, cover the calls based on their own decisions.

The type of feeding that I described above was going on at XYZ company. I know it was happening, because over the period of time that I was there, I was sent calls directly from the dispatcher. I could tell this, because calls dispatched in this fashion were labeled as "Personal" on my cab terminal. The odd thing is, in many of these cases, I would have matched to the calls, if the dispatcher had allowed the computer to do it's job. And here's what confused me the most: while some of the calls were bigger than average, I was never approached by a dispatcher to pay a "commission" for the benefit of being sent the calls. What was the motivation here? I'll never know.

As far as I know, this type of feeding is not allowed at ABC company. Apparently, management thinks it best to avoid the appearance of evil, and just let the matching system do the job. If particular calls aren't getting covered, the dispatchers advertise them, and allow the drivers to decide if they want to go after any particular call. This may tend to degrade customer service in some outlying geographic areas, but does maintain the integrity of the entire system.

Meanwhile, back at XYZ, the feeding continues. Certain dispatchers have made it know that they can be "bought." I never had a dispatcher approach me to pay him a "commission" to get better calls, but I know it goes on. The driver manager himself confirmed this to me. He told me that the "fee" varied from dispatcher to dispatcher involved, from a few dollars a week, to a fixed percentage, like 10% of the value of all "fed" calls. According to this manager, whenever he caught a driver or dispatcher involved in feeding, he would fire them. It seems to me he couldn't fire them quick enough, because the feeding never stopped.

And it isn't just dispatchers who can feed calls. Customer service representatives who actually talk to the customers, and enter call data into the system, can also get into the act. One way a CSR can do this is to take the order from the customer, and appear to enter into the system. However, rather than submitting the data to the system, the CSR can send a cellular text message to a particular cabbie, detailing the call, and then delete the call from the system.

As a matter of fact, in this circumstance, the favored cabbie doesn't even have to work for XYZ. Because XYZ has so many "brands," most customers wouldn't even think to question the name on the side of the cab. They're just satisfied to get their cab. The company might never notice what's going on, because as long as the "call" is covered, the customer is never going to complain about what happened.

But, every once in a while, something does go wrong, and the customer calls back to ask, "Where's my cab?" But in these circumstances, it's just assumed that there was a "glitch" in the system. The customer is then told that no record of their call can be found, but that a cab would be sent to them as quickly as possible.

I know that this type of feeding was going on, because a former employee of the XYZ company, who was a CSR, saw it happen, and gave the details to another cabbie friend of mine. This person told my friend that she could not believe the number of times people would call for a cab to take them to Tucson, Las Vegas, or Los Angeles. Calls like this could be worth literally hundreds of dollars to the driver. She said that in almost all the of the cases that she witnessed, the call never got into the computer system. Someone, somewhere in the company, would "hijack" the calls, and send them to their favorite cabbies.

Not really fair is it? All drivers paying the same amount for the use of a cab, but some drivers, being singled out to get better calls, and make more money with less effort.

Well, I never thought that life was fair. Until I found out about the feeding, i just never realized how unfair it could be in the cab world. Guess that makes me kind of a naive sonuvabitch.

But an honest sonuvabitch.

The next installment of "Cab Cheats" will detail how "Ghosting" works.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Hiatus From Posting

2007-12-07T05:15:00.000-07:00

Recently, I've been distracted by the everyday minutiae of life, so I haven't kept up with this blog in the manner I'd like, which is to post something every day.

Do not fear, I'm still here, and will be returning to a normal schedule real soon. Please bear with me. I hope to continue my series of "Cab Cheat" posts either tonight (Friday, December 7) or tomorrow.

Meanwhile, I thank you all for your faithfulness.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Cab Cheats Part One - Background

2007-12-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a few days coming, but I finally feel prepared to explain in some detail the reason I left my old cab company ("XYZ"), and decided to go to work for another company ("ABC").

Today, I'll provide some essential background, and name the offending scams my old cab company allowed to happen. Future posts will detail how the offending scams worked.

I spend the weekend with my friend, Johnny Wraith, who is a lawyer, and a very good one at that, my accusations that he is an alcoholic notwithstanding. We discussed the issues, and how they should be explained, for the purposes of maximum revelation, and minimum likelihood of being sued.

Having previously worked in the Law Enforcement/Criminal Justice field from 1981 through 1997, I was aware that the truth is an absolute defense in any lawsuit accusing a person of slandering or libeling another person, and was prepared to name names, and let the chips fall where they may.

Johnny reminded me that while the truth is an absolute defense against a lawsuit being successful, it does not protect one from being sued in the first place. The cost of defending the suit could be staggering, even if judgement was not granted to the plaintiff (say a cab company) against the defendant (say, Yours Truly, The Cab Guy). He further went on to point out that usually this was of concern only to people with substantial assets, or any assets at all.

Well, since I don't have substantial assets, my estate consisting of some personal property (furniture, computer, a television and stereo system, assorted books, CDs, and DVDs and the like), the few dollars I've managed to save, and my car, I felt relatively safe from retribution via a lawsuit.

However, the hassles of being sued are not negligible. Also, Johnny went on to point out that although I was relatively "poor" at this point in my life, I was not always so, and probably would not be so again in the future. For all of these reasons, and because it really doesn't add to my readers' understanding of what goes on in the taxi business, I have decided to refrain from naming names.

The miscreants who might happen to read my blog will recognize who they are, but will be unable to do anything about it. Anyone involved in the Phoenix Metro Area taxi industry will also know who they are, and may or not take pleasure in the knowledge that what they suspected was going on all along really is in fact happening. They may also take steps to protect themselves from being cheated.

Some additional background is necessary. I have worked in the taxi industry since approximately December 1, 1998, through the present. (NOT 1997, as I have stated elsewhere in this blog; I apologize for that error). I started with "XYZ" cab company, and stayed with them through late May of 2001. I became fed up with some of the practices at XYZ, and so moved on to "ABC" cab company.

I stayed on with ABC company for somewhat more than six years. Over time, some management and policy changes led to my gradual dissatisfaction with ABC. I heard that things had improved at XYZ, so after considering the situation for several months, I went back to XYZ.

In some ways, I was glad of the change, and in others, I wasn't so happy. Last week my nose was thrust, like that of a puppy into his own mess, into the truth of what was going on at XYZ. I quit them, after being threatened with termination, and returned to ABC. S why did I go back to ABC? Well, I was only dissatisfied with their policies; I wasn't being cheated by them.

Do you follow me so far? I know it can seem kind of convoluted, but if you've read my blog for any length of time, you know that I suffer from verbal diarrhea, and a love of excess detail.

So what were the offending scams?

Those of you in the cab community have already guessed that they probably relate to "feeding," in one form or another. Anyone who had this as their guess is correct. Feeding was going on at XYZ Cab Company. What surprised me was how many variations on this basic theme there were, running from a fairly passive form to a very active form of corruption.

For those of you not in the know, "feeding" occurs when a call is given to a driver in a manner that circumvents the normal dispatch system. It may or may not result in any overall benefit to the receiving driver, or the dispatcher (or any other company employee involved).

In it's most benign form, a driver may be "fed" a call to which he would have ordinarily been "matched." However, due to system operating parameters, the matching might not have occurred for several minutes. The motivation for the dispatcher to "feed" the call may be to get it off of "pending" status into "assigned" status, resulting in quicker service to the customer. Or the dispatcher may have just wanted to take a cigarette break, and needed to "clear his board" before doing so.

So, if there was no net benefit to the driver, or the dispatcher, and the customer got his cab quicker, what's the problem? I guess there wouldn't be a problem, if that's a far as it went. But corruption, even if relatively minor, is like rust: if unchecked, it eventually spreads, creating all sorts of havoc and destruction.

In subsequent posts, I'll detail some other more egregious examples of feeding, which provide tangible benefits to the driver and dispatcher (or other company employee) involved, to the detriment of other drivers, and even the customers that the cab company serves.

I can't resist giving you a little teaser about the offense for which I was almost terminated. It's called "ghosting" (also "cloaking", "hooding", or "stealthing"). Frankly, after learning how ghosting works, I came to see it as an ingenious method by which the "ghost cabbie" feeds himself, bypassing the need to directly involve a dispatcher, or anyone else!

Stay tuned for more details. I'm pissed, and want the world to know it!

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Post Updates: Steffan and Danielle

2007-12-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

I wanted to provide some updated information on a few recent posts. And futher delay the time until I fully explain what actually happened to cause me to leave my old cab company.

On November 5, 2007, I wrote a story I called "Steffan's Walk," about a young man, Steffan, who is walking across the country, California to Georgia, to raise money in the fight against cancer. Before Steffan and I parted ways, he gave me the name of a website that would have been going up soon, "SteffansWalk.Org", to promote his efforts. So far, the site is not active, nor have I heard from Steffan on my email.

Steffan, if you're out there, Godspeed to you, friend. Be careful. I do think about you every day. If you ever read this, get hold of me, and let me know how you're doing.

On November 10, I wrote a post called Date a Hot Phoenix Stripper. I followed it up the next day with the post, Danielle's Dilemma. These posts detailed my efforts to help Danielle, a stripper, meet some nice guys, and choose one or more to date. So far, there have been zero responses. I guess I can't blame anyone if they thought it was a scam. Hell, here I am reading the posts two weeks later, and if I didn't know I had written them, I'd think they were part of a scam.

So anyway, I'll have to report to Danielle that the effort failed. If anyone still wants to enter the "contest" described in the November 10 post, be my guest. I'll just pass along the emails to Danielle.

Danielle, I'm sorry I let you down. If there are any nice guys out there, The Cab Guy couldn't find them!

However, a cabbie that I know, Drake Gustave, wants to meet you. If you're interested, leave me a message on my email, and I'll pass it along to Drake. You're on your own after that. I wouldn't classify him as a 'Nice Guy.' Oh, he's not abusive or anything, anymore, but he's a cabie, for pity's sake, and you know how those guys are! His idea of Haute Cuisine is the drive-thru at Taco Bell. And he doesn't order individual items. He just gets it by the pound.

Also, please be advised: he's a heavy drinker. And not the good stuff either. But he is a cabdriver, so he's got that going for him. As long as him company doesn't find out about his long history of DUI.

What the hell, take a chance girl! I say give a cabbie some love! You've got a great window of opportunity right now. His wife is in Romania, visiting with family. Play your cards right, and she'll come home to a divorce, and you'll come home to... a new home. Of course, it's way out in Apache Junction, but I'm sure you'll be able to find work. Not the kind that has any dignity, but work, nonetheless.

Just don't tell me all the sordid details. I'd feel honor bound to pass them along to my readers.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Livin' On Tucson Time!

2007-12-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

I'm still down in Tucson with my friend Johnny Wraith, but I thought I give you all an update, as well as a reader submission from a Dublin cabbie named Roy.

Well, Johnny and I haven't been doing much beyond drinking, eating, playing chess, and some gambling.

It turns out that Johnny is a great cook. When I first met him, all he could do was run a microwave oven, and make espresso. Prior to my arrival Friday, he put half a turkey breast, some cream of mushroom soup, peppers and other vegetables in a crockpot. It was a very delicious meal, accompanied by flaky bisquits, and some Franzia wine. Okay, sure, Franzia is a boxed wine, but what the hell, drink enough of it, and you won't care at all. I know I didn't.

As to the chess, Johnny used to regularly kick my ass. I've gotten better. He's gotten drunker. I beat him five games to one, and we drew our seventh game. Go Franzia.

As to the gambling? I don't want to talk about it. Although the the casino did buy us all our cigarettes!

And now here's Roy's story. I've left his open comments to me, and his style and formatting intact. Please visit him at his website when you get the chance.

-----

Hi

I've just found your site , great stuff! I've added it to the blogroll and
would appreciate if you could do the same.

Roy

If you use this please credit to www.irishtaxi.net

Naas (35km) and Back! Good......not!

I wasn't planning on working tonight, my wife just got back from her trip to
Chicago and I'd planned to stay in and have a chat, maybe watch a movie, Jet
lag intervened and by 9:30 she was hanging on by a thread, at 10:15 she was
in bed asleep, by 10:45 I had resolved to head out to work, another night
looking at the TV/PC would have done me in.

First job after a week off, was from the rank in St Stepens Green, She was
being held up by him, an inane grin on her face, as we say in Dublin "she
was locked", "out of her bin" , "twisted". I must have been soft after the
week off, because normally I'd have said she needed a walk to sober up first
but I allowed them in..."Naas" he said, Oh shit, I thought, she'll never
last....."Grand" I said, "Naas it is".

She fell asleep instantly and he talked about nothing in particular, there
were a few funny smells emanating, once I thought she'd shat herself, but it
didn't last long enough, thank god!

We arrived in Naas.... €51 paid, checked over her ass and the back seat, no
dampness, so all clear there as well!

While taking the photo above, a lad appeared out of no-where, gave me a
shock! Said he'd had a row with his girlfriend, had gotten out of the car
for a pee and she'd driven off, his wallet and phone were in the car and
would I please bring him into Dublin town. Now I really must be going soft,
because I knew this was a chancer but thought; ah I'm going back anyway, I
ll give the eeegit a lift.

He asked did I believe him? And I said "no not a word, but I'm feeling
generous", he admitted to lying and said he'd just left a party, said he'd
leave a glowing report on his Bebo page, I said "you won't, you'll leave a
glowing report on my Blog, that's the fare!"

I gave him the address on the back of a receipt, I bet he doesn't do it!

-----

I liked Roy's story for at least two reasons: the lady didn't foul his cab, and he took a chance on the 'eeegit'. He's a better man that I am. Don't get me wrong... I'd have given the fellow a ride. It's just that I would have made him ride on the hood. Tied down like a dear I'd just bagged on a hunting trip. Don't worry... I wouldn't have gutted him. But I probably would have rubbed him down with salt.

I'm sorry. Ignore everything after 'He's a better man than I am.' It's the Franzia talking. It overstimulates my imagination. And debilitates my internal censor. But it's a cheap drunk.

Just like me.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Down Time and Weather Report

2007-11-30T13:45:00.000-07:00

I guess technically I should have called this post "Weather Report and Down Time," since I'm going to talk about the weather first, but it's my blog, and I'll do want I want. Plus, I just like the way it sounds.

Right now as I type this post, it is raining. That's right, you read me right. It's RAINING! In Phoenix, Arizona, the good old P to the H to the X and that's the PHX!

This is not "mist" or "drizzle" or the "don't worry you can run between the drops" kind of rain. This is actual, by God, things are getting wet, puddles are forming, "I wish I rolled up my car windows" kind of rain. Sure, by the standards of a lot of places, when it's all done, it won't amount to much.

But rain in Phoenix is special. It's a reaffirmation of life. It makes the air smells fresher and cleaner. It's how cars get washed. It causes the rate of rear-end collisions to sky-rocket.

What? Yeah, you read me right. Rain causes the incidence of rear-end collisions to rise here in Phoenix.

Here's what happens. As cars drive down a road, grease and oil fall off the car onto the roadbed. This happens on roads all over the world. You would think that this would make the roads slicker, but it doesn't. In most places, it rains enough that the slippery goo washes away before building up too much, so it doesn't become a problem.

In Phoenix, things are a bit different. We don't get a lot of rain. It's not really uncommon to go months at a time between rains, so you can see that the oily, greasy goo builds up on the roadbeds. When the road is dry, this isn't much of a problem, because in the great scheme of things, it's not a lot of goo, and it tends to hide in the pores of the asphalt.

But when it rains, watch out! For the first few minutes of the rain, the goo starts to rise, then the action of the goo and water being squeezed between the roadbed and tires starts to turn it into a mousse-like substance, which can really be slick. You really can't see it very well with the naked eye. You kind of have to look at the roadbed at an oblique angle, with a light pointing to the road, and reflecting back to your eyes to see the telltale "rainbow" of oil on top of water.

This wouldn't normally present a huge problem, but other factors come into play. Because it doesn't rain much, a lot of people here in Phoenix don't pay much attention to the tread depth of their tires. Shallow tread, or even "slick" tires aren't much of a problem on dry roads. But when the roads get wet... well, you get the picture.

Plus, Phoenix seems to be the tailgating capital of the world. Also, so many people commonly travel at speeds very much in excess of the speed limit, even on city streets, not to mention the freeways.

Put all these factors together, and it's a recipe for disaster. It wouldn't surprise me to hear of a at least one, and possibly several, multi-car tailgate chain-reaction type collisions before the end of the day.

As for me, I'm staying off the road today. I'll be leaving for Tucson in a few hours, to visit with Johnny Wraith, but between now and then I'm staying inside, listening to the rain, and getting a few things done around the old homestead. So far, my laundry is done, although I haven't hung everything up yet (I'd rather write than do laundry any day of the week). The floors are vacuumed, the sheets are changed on my bed, and I've sorted through the stuff that just seems to pile up, and thrown out a bunch of junk. Next I'll tackle the dishes, clean the kitchen and bathroom, and be done just it time to hit the road to Tucson.

A weekend of fun and debauchery in the company of my old pal, Johnny Wraith, awaits. We'll poor one back, to salute the rain, and one more to salute all of you. The rest we'll just pour back for effect. And what an effect they shall have on us! I don't imagine I'll be able to see straight much past nine o'clock tonight! Cheers!

I hope to see you out there on the road. Just not so close in the rear view mirror, okay!

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

PS - I've promised to reveal the the sordid details of how I almost got fired, and why I ultimately did switch cab companies. I'm working on those articles. But I want to let johnny Wraith (yes, he really is a lawyer) review them before posting. I'll get them up as soon as I can. Stay tuned: there's lots of drama!

Cleaning, Mom, and Pizza

2007-11-29T23:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I didn't do much of anything today, but at least I had plenty of time to do it.

Since I'll be going down to Tucson Friday night, to visit with Johnny Wraith through the weekend, I decided to take today and Friday off, and get a few things done around my apartment.

Also, I went over to my Mom's house to help her clean the filter for her central heating and cooling unit. The actual amount of time it takes to do this is about fifteen minutes, but you have to let the filter dry after washing it, and that takes about and hour and a half.

So Mom and I sat around talking, and watching various "Judge" shows, like "Judge Joe Brown" and "Judge Judy." After watching about ninety minutes of this garbage, I came to the realization that there are an incredible number of really dumb people in the world, and that any number of them are willing to go on national television to prove it.

After the filter was dry and reinstalled, my Mom took me out for a pizza. We went to my favorite pizza joint in the area, Ralph's La Hacienda Pizzeria, 15236 N. 59th Avenue, in Glendale, (602) 978-2780, on the southwest corner of Greenway and 59th. I've been going there for over thirty years, ever since high school, and when ever I'm near my Mom's house, I stop in, usually with her, to have some pizza or spaghetti.

Recently, Ralph died, and the place was sold, so technically it's now Long Wong's Wings and Ralph's Pizza, but that's a real mouthful. Anyway, I only go there for the pizza, which is just as good as ever. I like wings, too, but there are other Long Wong's near my house; there's only one Ralph's. I wasn't going to do anything other than scarf a pizza.

The medium cheese and meatball pizza went down real smooth. When you're in the area, give Ralph's a try. You might like it. It doesn't matter to me, it won't change my mind.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

The Cab Guy Jumps Ship

2007-11-28T21:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I had a very full and interesting day today.

But unfortunately, not enough time to write about it.

Yesterday, I was threatened with being fired, but was spared the axe. Today, after reviewing my options, I decided to quit. I didn't do anything that was really wrong, but was caught being a little too curious about why the company was allowing certain drivers to grow fat (financially) at the expense of all the rest of us, even though we all pay the same lease, and how it was being done. Watch for all the sordid details in up-coming posts over the next few days.

Speaking of fat, don't worry about The Cab Guy not being able to buy groceries and being forced onto a diet due to a lack of funds. I've already being hired by another taxi firm, which at 300+ cabs is the major competition of the firm I used to work for. The President of the new company welcomed me personally to the new firm!

I'm going to work a shift tomorrow to activate my contract, then take a few days off to visit Johnny Wraith down in Tucson. I'll be taking along my notebook computer so that I can keep up with this blog.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Update to 'If It Walks Like a Duck...'

2007-11-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

Here's an update to my posting of Saturday, November 24, 2007.
If you've read the original post, you know that Friday night, November 23, I had a
guy walk out on his fare. As of the time of Saturday's posting, Joe hadn't responded to my note requesting he call me and make arrangements to pay, hence my rant.

If you haven't read the post, see If It Walks Like a Duck... for all the details.

Tonight, Joe left me an voicemail saying he left twenty dollars in an envelope under the welcome mat in front of his door, and I could come by and pick it up anytime. Since he lives only about two miles from me, I went right over to get the Andy Jackson. After retrieving the money, I wrote on the envelope, "Thanks Joe, I appreciate this. No hard feelings."

Maybe I was a little hasty in calling Joe a "drunken pissant." Although he could have coughed up the cash a little sooner.

Maybe I'll see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Hit or Stay?

2007-11-26T23:45:00.000-07:00

To provide some much needed diversion and entertainment, after work tonight, I went to my favorite casino, to play a little Blackjack. Watching other people in the game caused to me think about why some people play the way they do.

I use a strict "basic strategy" style of play when I play "21", and vary my bets to take advantage of winning streaks, while diluting the effects of losing streaks.
For example, I almost always (greater than 98% of the time) hit a 16 when the dealer's up card is a 7 or better.

I know the math, and proven it for myself. Standing on 16, hoping the dealer does not have a "made hand" (17 through 21) is a statistical loser 72% of the time, because 72% of the time the dealer will in fact have a made hand, or draw to one, taking your money. Alternatively, hitting 16, even with it's unfavorable chance of busting (eight of thirteen cards, the 6 through King), produces a statistical loss only 60 percent of the time, because five of thirteen cards (5 down to the Ace) will produce a tie, or a better hand than the dealer.

Putting it another way, this means that standing on sixteen (against a 7 or better) wins only 28% of the time, while hitting produces a winner 40% of the time. This is a significant difference.

So if you're a gambler, and play Blackjack, please leave a comment explaining what you do in this situation, hit or stay, and why. I promise not to try to argue the rightness or wrongness of your strategy. I'm just curious. Who knows, maybe I'm missing something here.

By the way, I won three hundred dollars on a two hundred dollar "buy-in" while playing at a ten dollar minimum bet table. That was certainly entertaining, and I diverted the winnings directly into my bank account. The icing on the cake? The casino gave me a ten dollar meal ticket, to encourage me to come back another time. I ordered a steak, egg and hash browns plate, to go. It will make a delicious breakfast.

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

Big or Small, I Take 'Em All

2007-11-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

All my life I've heard how important it is to not disregard the little things. Actually, the advice is usually stated this way: "Take care of the little things, and the big things will take care of themselves." This advice is so appropriate in the cab world.

At least once a day, someone will get in my cab and say something like,

"I'm sorry this is such a short trip, but I only need to go to..."

and they name someplace that's close by. This happened to me three times today. The only reason I can think of for someone to apologize for how short a fare might be is that some other cabbie, in the past, has made it obvious that he (or she) was very disappointed to get a short fare, as opposed to a longer one, and made that disappointment obvious to the customer. This experience probably left the customer embarrassed, and feeling that many or all cabbies feel this way, hence the need to apologize to me.

You don't need to apologize to me. I'm never sorry to get a fare, any fare, because they all fall to the bottom line. Sure, it can be tedious to get a whole string of five or six dollar calls, all in a row, but I usually don't worry about it. I know that by the end of the day, or week, or month, everything will balance out, and I'll have received my fair share of short, medium and long fares, and make a pretty good living for doing my job.

You see, my average fare, with tip, is currently (over the past year) about seventeen dollars. Today I took ten calls in about eight hours, and booked $191.00, a little above my per-call average, but it's in the ball park. A normal day is usually about eleven or twelve hours, twenty to thirty calls, and total bookings of $275.00 to $325.00. (For the purpose of accounting for my time, I include "no shows" in my trip count, which tends to skew the per-call average down.)

If I were to adopt a business plan that demanded I refuse to do any call that was less than, say, twenty dollars, you can easily see I'd be giving up somewhat more than half my usual total bookings. After my expenses for gasoline (a variable expense equal to about 12 to 15% percent of bookings) and cab lease (fixed, regardless of bookings), I'd end up taking home way less than half of what I usually do.

Gas and lease for a $300.00 day is about $140.00, netting me about $160.00. Gas and lease for a $150.00 day (say maybe five to seven hours) would be around $125 or so, netting me $25.00. This would be a quick way to go broke. (Today was a horse of a different color: It was my "free" day. The company from which I lease my cab only charges me for six days, if I keep the cab for seven. Thus, the seventh day is free. So my total net income was about what I'd usually make on a regular day. I don't need to work the "free day." But today I had nothing better to do.)

So I take every call that our dispatching system offers me. More calls, however big or small they are, equals more income, which can only be a good thing for me. Now, if you call me personally on my cell phone, I do require a twenty dollar minimum payment. I assume you want me, rather than some other random cabbie, because of the superior level of service you think I provide. Let's face it, you have pay to get what you want. I'm not being hypocritical, just practical: if I have to drop everything and drive twenty miles to get you, rather than take a call within a mile or two of where I am right now, I need to be compensated for the extra effort.

Folks, never apologize to a cabbie for taking a short trip. If you feel a cabbie is disdainful of you because you're not going very far, ignore him. You are the bread and butter of the personal transportation industry, at least here in the Phoenix market, for the segment I serve. If every person who needed a "short trip" were to all of a sudden start walking, I, and a lot of other cabbies would have to go and find another job.

Personally, I don't want to do that. I like what I do. Sure, I've had higher paying jobs, with more "status" or "prestige." But those jobs always came with a cost. I had to do what someone else told me to do. I had to do it his way. On his schedule. At his whim. For the same pay as other people in the same job, who likely didn't do it as well as I did. To a person like me, that's a mind-numbing trap.

True story: when I was an adult probation officer, for ninety months in a row, more than seven years, I operated at 150% or more of expected performance requirements. But my pay was identical to the guy who could barely manage to stay above 97%. As a matter of fact, for eighty-four of those months, all in a row, I was the top ranked APO in my department, yet I received the exact same pay that every other APO with a similar "time in grade" received.

At the risk of being tedious, allow me to repeat what I said earlier. I like what I do. I'm my own boss. I get to work when I want, where I want. My schedule is my own. If I want to cut out early, I don't need permission. If I want to take a day off, I don't have to lie, and call in sick. If I work harder than the next guy, I'll make more than he does. If I make less, it's because I slacked off, I have no one to blame but myself.

Unless I decide to become a multi-cab owner, and lease cabs out to other drivers, I'll never get rich in this business. But I do okay financially, and I really like what I do. Not too many people, if they're really being honest, can say that about their job. I know. It hear the complaints from the back seat every day.

I'll trade the security of mediocrity for the rewards of excellence every day of the week. Especially if Sunday is free!

I hope to see you out there on the road.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

If It Walks Like a Duck...

2007-11-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

If you were to think about it logically, not everyone who acts the way a thief would act is a thief. But every thief who acts like a thief certainly is. So how do you tell the difference between two people exhibiting thief-like behavior? Which one is the criminal, and which one doesn't realize how his behavior looks to an observer?

I post this observation, and the attendant question, because of something that happened to me last night, and something that happened today.

Before I get to the story of the two situations, I want to make it perfectly clear that I understand that it is not always easy for a person to see that his behavior may be negatively perceived, because he does not perceive his behavior to be negative. The political correctness crowd have convinced us that stereotyping is an invalid method of determining potential dangers in our midst. They say that just because something walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and lays duck eggs, doesn't mean that it's a duck.

Bullshit, I say! If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and lays duck eggs, it's a duck. If you dress like a thug, talk like a thug, and act like a thug, you may be the valedictorian of your class at the local Parochial school... but pardon me, if you don't mind (and I don't give rat's ass if you do), if I assume you're a thug, and take steps to protect me and mine until you prove otherwise. How a person is perceived is at least as much the responsibility of that person, and I say much more, as that of someone observing him.

With that, let me tell you the story of my night and day.

I usually work during the day, as I find that the "Weirdness Quotient" is lower than at night, plus it allows me to have at least the opportunity of a somewhat normal life outside of my cab. However, Friday was a very slow day, so I went home for a few hours to rest, intending to go out later and make a few extra bucks.

After getting back on the streets at about 1030pm, my very first call took me to Pomeroy's a very nice tavern/bar at the intersection of Missouri Avenue and Camelback Road, where I was to pick up Joe. I later found out that Joe was a friend of the owner of the establishment. He was also clearly highly intoxicated. I escorted him out to my car, helped him in, and took him home. He gave me the old "take me to such-and-such a corner." When we got to that corner, he said to go straight, and he'd point out his house. Well, we got to the next corner without him saying a word. By requiring him to sit up straight, look out the window and point out his house, I was able to get him home.

While I waited, he went through his pockets, but couldn't come up with any money. He then said he would have to go inside to get some money. I told him I'd wait, but reminded him that the meter was still running. He never came back. I left a note on his door to call me, but here we are, almost twenty-four hours later, and he has yet to do so.

Last night, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, figuring that in his drunken state he merely forgot that I was outside waiting. I also presume that he did not know that his script of "I need to get money from the house" is a common ploy among the thug set. So at the time, I hoped for the best, left him the note, and figured he'd call me.

That he didn't has led me to change my mind.

Joe, if you're reading this, you need to know that I think you're a thief. Everyone else reading this thinks the same thing, because if you weren't, you'd have called by now to make reparations. I know where you live. That I don't publish your address, a picture of your house, and your car's license plate is charity on my part, not fear of retaliation from you, you drunken pissant!

Now on to the second event, from today, about 130pm to be precise.

I went to a Denny's to pick up someone who I'll call "Sidney", because I don't remember this name. I was on-site within three minutes of receiving the call, which obviously pleased Sidney. He got in the car, with a plastic garbage bag full of who-knows-what, and told me where he wanted to go, which was about three miles away. I started the meter, and we were off. He asked what the fare would be. I said about ten dollars (it actually turned out to be a little over nine). He then said to take him as far as I could for six dollars.

Now, because the "flag drop" is $2.50 (the minimum service charge just for showing up), and the per-mile charge is $1.80, six dollars would only get him about halfway there. I told him this. When we got to six on the meter, he said to keep going, that he'd just as soon pay what it took to get the rest of the way there. Arriving at his destination, the meter, which Sydney could clearly see, said $9.40. However, I only asked him to pay nine, hoping I'd end up with ten, but figuring I wouldn't, because of his evident miserliness over how much the fare would be. If he really didn't want to spend money on himself, then my needs would be probably be disregarded.

Rather than paying me right away, Sidney opened the car door, grabbed his garbage bag, and started to step out.

Does this remind you of anything? It did me.

See, almost everyone who ever ripped me off by not paying the fare stepped out of the cab as a prelude to taking off.

Sidney walked like a duck.

Remember how I said he asked what the fare would be, changed his destination over a money issue, and then directed me to continue on to his original destination? This is a common ploy of thieves. First, a thief would want to lure me into a false sense of security. I'm supposed to think, "Well he has money, just not enough to get him where he really wants to go. But, he's being upfront about his money issue, so he'll at least pay me for the shorter trip." Then thief reverts to his original destination, to set me off balance. Whatever his actual motivation, Sidney's behavior mimicked that of a thief.

Sidney quacked like a duck.

As to the garbage bag, it was Sidney's duck egg.

I don't want to get into a long-winded explanation of why it was a red flag. It was a garbage bag, for pity' sake, not a Louis Vuitton briefcase! Anyone with three days experience in the cab world would have looked at it askance.

So I said to him, "Sir (yes, I actually did use the word "Sir"), you need to pay me before you exit the car."

This brought him up short. He said, "But I need to stand up to get to my wallet!"

A likely story.

I'm not exactly what you'd call svelte. As a matter of fact, to refer to me as merely "husky" is a grand compliment. As big as I am (and believe me, I'm huge, at over six feet tall, weighing in at three hundred pounds), I can still easily get my hand under either one of the enormous Christmas hams that comprise my buttocks, to get to my wallet. He should have be able to do the same, as he was a medium-sized man wearing loose clothing.

Sidney couldn't see that his actions could be perceived as the prelude to a theft, given the circumstances under which cabbies have to operate. He's like many people, oblivious to the fact that their actions speak may volumes about how they may act in the future. No explanation would have convinced him otherwise.

With evident anger, Sidney handed me a ten dollar bill. I gave him a dollar, although I could have rightly returned him only sixty cents.

Grabbing his garbage bag, Sidney blurted out, "I was gonna give you that dollar as a tip! But because of what you said, I won't!"

After years of hearing this king of crap, I couldn't help it. I let fly:

"Shut up! You were not, so don't lie and tell me you were. Garbage bag haulin', money-grubbing, 'I really don't want to pay more than six dollars', steppin'-out-of-the-cab-to-pay-me people like you never do! So have a nice day!"

His response was predictable.

"You're an asshole, do you know that?"

"Yep. And damn proud to be one. I earned the title, and wear it with pride! See ya, and I'm damn sure I wouldn't want to be ya!"

Damn, after years of taking crap from literally hundreds of people who've played the "I would tip you, but..." game, in all of it's manifestations, it felt good to finally let all that anger out. I felt like I would have after having having divested myself of a three-week colon blockage!

I forgave myself for my lack of professionalism, and dropping the tranny into 'Drive,' I cruised away to my next fare.

Have a nice day, Sidney. Have a nice effing day! No cabbie would buy your bullshit.

Thanks for listening.

Sincerely, The Cab Guy

Gambling Tips

2007-11-23T11:00:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine operates a website/blog named Johnny Wraith Stories (link on sidebar). This is where he posts his fiction stories, allows others to post their stories, receives comments on his stories, and comments others stories. The other day he posted a question about gambling.

Here's Johnny's question:

So, is there a trick to winning at slots? For instance, if I have $100, do I just put it in any machine and hit MAX BET until I am out or rich, or do I switch from machine to machine based on some algorithm, or do I limit my bets based on results, or what?

Maybe because I'm closer to Johnny that the average person, I understood that it was a joke question designed to "stir up the pot." He does this from time to time, just to see if any responses might generate story ideas. Some people obviously didn't get the joke. Some called Johnny stupid, while others implored him to invest his money more wisely.

I liked my answer the best. But then again, I'm an ego maniac. For your enjoyment, or disgust, here's what I said:

Johnny,

If you're going to throw your money away on gambling anyway, the best way to obtain maximum benefit and enjoyment from a one hundred dollar bill is follow this simple, five-step process:

1. Take your hundred-dollar bill, go to a nice restaurant, have a forty dollar meal, leave ten for a tip, and insist you get your change in the form of a single fifty-dollar bill. Go home. Maybe listen to some soft music, or put in a DVD. Relax until you hear the call of nature.

2. Answer the call, taking along the fifty-dollar bill, and one of those resealable sandwich bags. Sit down on the throne, relax, and let nature take it's course. Meanwhile, pull out the fifty, and examine it closely. Look at the intricate design formed by the engraved plate upon the paper. Leave no detail unexamined. Commit it to memory. Consider how you exchanged one piece of paper, similar to the fifty, for a meal, and received a different piece of paper in return, and how absurd this course of action would appear to an African Bushman. When you are done doing your business, instead of toilet paper, use the fifty. Be careful: it's smaller, and rougher. It will get the job done, if you're patient. When your ass is clean, place the fifty in the sandwich bag, very carefully sealing the bag. Stand up, buckle up, and wash up.

3. Go down to the nastiest part of town, and find the dirtiest, grungiest, smelliest hobo you can. Give him the fifty, safely secured in the sandwich bag, telling him he can only use the bill to buy himself a nice dinner. Drive him to the restaurant where you had dinner. Recommend his courses to him; remind him which wines would be appropriate. Tell him to tell the waitress to "keep the change."

4. Go home and consider how this whole process is a metaphor for life. It's how shit get passed down.

5. Laugh until you cry.

I did.

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Drive a cab for more than a few months, and you may find this to be your attitude towards life. Though I resist, sometimes it is for me.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

PS - I highly recommend going to Johnny's website. It's a hoot. There's a link on the sidebar.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-22T06:00:00.000-07:00

I really couldn't think of anything to write today. Except for "I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. Be grateful for what you have received. Treat your family right. Don't eat to much. Brush and floss before bed."

Meanwhile, check out these picture of birds I'd like to see at my holiday dinner. Yummy!

Hey, what do you want? I'm addicted to bad jokes and puns! But wouldn't these "birds" make up a great dinner party? You betcha!

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy

A Plea for Sober Driving

2007-11-21T06:55:00.000-07:00

A few years back, in my Fast Lane Magazine column, I wrote a little rant concerning drinking and driving. As we enter the holiday season, I think you might find it educational.

The Cab Guy Pleads for Sober Driving
Now, before we begin the fun, I would like to make a seasonal plea for sanity during the upcoming holiday party season. I know that some of you who are reading this are going to totally ignore the advice that I am about to give, but that’s okay, because there are always going to be idiots that cannot do the right thing, no matter what the situation. Therefore, this little slug of advice that I am going to impart is for the rest of you out there, who can change, if given reason enough to do so. So here it is: DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE!

Because Fast Lane Magazine is distributed at quite a few bars, clubs and lounges throughout the Valley, the chances are, those of you who are reading this right now probably received your copy from a drinking establishment. I am hoping that if you are reading this while you are in a bar, club or lounge, and you are consuming a tasty adult beverage, you will do the right thing, the smart thing, and take a taxi home. You have no excuse not to, as so many of the cab companies in the Valley offer some form of a "free ride back" program, where you pay for a cab ride home, and the cab company gives you a free ride back to your car in the morning. What could be easier?

If a personal plea from me, your Cab Guy, isn’t enough to keep you from getting behind the wheel after having one or more adult beverages, and if the offer of a "free ride back" isn’t enough to keep you off the road when you aren’t 100% sober, then you must be one of those people who thinks that he or she is okay to drive because you haven’t had that much to drink. I guess the thinking goes something like this:

"I haven’t had that much to drink, so I won’t be over the 'legal limit' of 0.08 percent blood alcohol content, therefore I cannot be convicted of Driving While Intoxicated, so I must be okay to drive!"

People, what kind of thinking is this? Although you may have a blood alcohol content under .08, that does not mean you are safe to drive, and it certainly does not mean that you cannot be convicted of Driving Under the Influence.

I know that at this very moment, some of you are thinking, "Hey Cab Guy, if my BAC is under .08, how can I be convicted of DUI?"

Well folks, listen up, pay attention, and you might learn something. DWI and DUI are not the same thing!

That’s right, folks, DWI and DUI are not the same thing. They are two separate offenses, exclusive of each other, and are treated as such in the Arizona Criminal Code. DWI relates to the amount of alcohol that you have in your system at the time that you operate a motor vehicle, while DUI relates to the effect of alcohol on your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle. You can be convicted of DUI if you drive after having only one drink containing alcohol, if it affects your ability to drive "to the slightest degree."

Once again for, the condensed version, for the mouth breathers: even if your blood alcohol content is under .08, you can be convicted of DUI! So stop putting yourself, and others, in danger: if you’ve been drinking, even if it’s only a little, don’t get behind the wheel. Take a cab, or have a sober friend drive you home!

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Since I first wrote this, several years ago, Arizona's DWI-DUI laws have gotten even more draconian. More and more people are finding this out the hard way, by having to spend significant time in jail, as well as thousaands of dollars in legal fees, fines and extra insurance premiums, for being what they thought was "okay to drive."

Plus, having to deal with the costs associated with a suspended driver's license isn't a lot of fun, either. Get a DWI-DUI, and your chances of meeting me or one of my cohorts in person will significantly increase. How dumb will you feel to have a perfectly serviceable car in your driveway, but still have to take a cab everywhere you go? Believe me, the cost of a few cab rides home during the holiday season, or any season, for that matter, is a lot cheaper than having to take a cab to work every day for what could be a long, long time!

Please don't be a statistic. Don't drink and drive. Ever. Even one may be too many.

Sincerely,

The Cab Guy