My obsessive compulsive disorder

New year new er me? i wish!

2007-01-12T16:16:00.000-08:00

i had/have all these plans and asperations for this new year of ours.. 2007.. would be the year i get a hold of ocd by its guey tenticles and sling back were it came from.. a couple of problems with that plan, 1, im not sure ocd has tenticles to grab a hold of, 2, were the hell did it come from?.. and er 3, maybe iv bene wathicng too much smallvile,

but realisticly i did/do intend to get more of a hold on this ocd, get my life back.. get me back.. who the hell i am any mor eim not sure i know.. iv probley mentiond it before but i dont know who i am or whats the ocd and whats me?.. i realy should see a docter, but iv resugned my self to the notion docters are useless! theres so many of you out ther eunder docters that are still dealing with ocd on a large scale that whats the poin tin putting myself through the whole fight agaisnt the will to get there lay it out straight and have to listen to them telling me what i already know.. (im not good at that!) plus im anti drugs.. thogh somedays theres nothing i wish for more then to shove something down my enck and shut off my head for a while..

iv been considering treying the herble route.. but i dont know were to start.. i have no clue and id probley end up poinsing my self with overdose of some vitamin or another..! is that possible?.

Iv been using a forum lately i cant rember if i posted this in the llast post of not but its called 'stuck in a door way' just google it.. ill put the link in the links bit.. Iv put some other links in there too.

anyway yes the forum is realy good for understanding all different kinds of ocd.. iv found it helpful.

anyway im gonna shut up for now and take alook around your pages!..

Happy New year

2007-01-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

to everyone..

just a quick ramble realy to say iv mad eup a 'myspace ocd group'

link is..

http://groups.myspace.com/Understandingocd

Its the Season!..

2006-12-27T02:58:00.000-08:00

Just a quick if not a tad late! Merry Christmas.. to any one who may pass by :)

Heres to a great new year to everyone..

we can but hope right?..

An attempt at an explanation..

2006-12-20T17:43:00.000-08:00

I wonder how to explain ocd.. i sit for so long just thinking about ways to make people understand what ocd is, I wish i could be open i wish i could tell people why i avoide partys gatherings.. new people.. ect.. i wish i could be honest.. i wish i didnt have to avoid people when i see them spontainiously.. i wish it didnt set me off into panick when i walk past people.. i wish i didnt feel everyones eyes on me, judging me,, feeling disgusted by me.. i wish i could stand next to someone withouth boiling up into a panick attack because my head tells me the person thinks im dirty or i smell.. or there embarrassed to be near me.. i wish my head wouldnt conjure up awful imaiges and thoughts of terrible things happeing to people i care about at the flick of a switch (litteraly!( i wish i could put the lid on a bottle close the fridge even say the word fridge or box or other words i cannot even type! because my brain tells me sayng them and doing them means i want the horrible thoughts to happen!.. i wish my mind would shut up.. i wish it didnt have to go round and round repeating the same sentence over and over to counteract the thoughts its throwing at me.. i wish i didnt have to follow stupid rituals and ticks and compulsions to stop the thoughts coming true.. i wish i didnt have to go over and over the same senctence in a book 50 times to make sure i read it propely!.. i wish i could use or even look at certain colours! that in my mind relate to the horrible imigies meaning i cant use look or wear them colours!.. I wish i could walk up and down my stairs with out backing up on myself however many times before i reach the top!..
I wish i could type without deleatingwhole sentences because the 'feel' wrong then retyping it exactly the same way 5 times.. i wish i could write witout blacking over letters by writing over them numerous times..
I wish i didnt burn with embarrassment at the thought of people knowing im 'ocd' I wish i didnt recoil in shame at the thought of my family finding out..
I wish i could kiss my boyfriend without a million other things goin ground in my head.. i wish i didnt have to hit my head to get rid of the thoguhts.. i wish the thoguths would go away..
i wish i didnt have to shake them outtas my head.. I wish i could close boxes.. i which i could close doors.. i wish i could turn off lights!..

I wish the simple things like making a cuppa tea wernt made so damn hard by all of the above!..

But ya know i cope.. i cope because you have to cope.. i cope because iv learnt to cope.. its not easy.. every day is hard.. every day is stressfull.. some more so some less so..

on a bad day.. ill wish i hadnt woken up in the morning..

on a good day.. i'll be gratful it wasnt 'SO' bad..

Update of sorts..

2006-09-07T03:35:00.000-07:00

Its been a while i think since i posted propely.. the holiday i was so worried about came and went.. it wasnt to bad! and probley good therapy! cause now i dont have such a fear about going away.. which is good.. there were issues but nothing disapearing off to my room alone wouldnt cure.. ugh apart from an argument with dannys Dad on the last night which was unfortunate, he interfeered with dans mum who was cooking and started slopping burgers onto plates.. only im vegitarian, and he slopped one on the plate set aside for my tofu sausages.. 'quickly looked around to see if id noticed' (which i had) but obviously by the look on his face if i hadnt noticedd the burger would of been pulled off and nothing would have been said. then it was ohh ill change the plate which entailed putting the food off the first plate minus burger obviously onto a second plate... i POLIGHTLY mentoind that i couldnt eat the pease and whatnot off the first plate cause the burger had been dripped over it and they would have cow juice on Then almighty fuss was made by his father that the burger hadnt touched them and blah blah blah.. he wouldnt shut up.. so i just stood up and walked out.. later danny coming to tell me they thought i was being awkward.. oh well.. havent been to his parents since or spoke to his sister (who was the one who made the awkward comment) but they dont know i have ocd and i highly doubt they'd understand so so be it i guese..

Been having some mightly awful dreams of late.. ya know the type that stick with you all day and give you that 'ick dread' feeling.. i realy dont like it.. and in my brain unless i tell someone the dreams they'l come true..

*exasperated sigh*

oh well

here goes another day..

have a good one folks and folketts..

Pasting this in here because it holds relevence to me.. and maybe others too..

2006-09-02T12:43:00.000-07:00

Anonymous said...
I am on the opposite end of your conundrum. My boyfriend has OCD, he is very good about covering it up, but some things really bother him. See he is bothered by germs too, most specifically germs from his family. He won't get into too much detail, but he can't touch any of them, and therefor, neither can I. I don't know what to do sometimes, sometimes I want to just tell him to get over it, I don't want to enable him...but instead, I just let him lysol me down just as he would himself. I love him so much and I really want him to get better. Sometimes he says I deserve better and he should just live alone. Do you know how much that hurts? I wish he would explain things to me...like what exactly he thinks is going to happen if those germs get on him, or where it started from...but he won't. The other day he actually said it was because he didn't fully trust me...he thought I would tell someone. That bothers me a lot. I just want to try to understand...and moreover, make sure I don't do anything that is going to make his OCD worse.
September 01, 2006 7:59 PM

Kit said...
hi Anon i felt so utterly compelled to reply to your comment.. You being the person on the other end of the stick the one that loves an Ocd'er.. Believe me I know how hare that must be.. i know how difficult i am to live with and i know what my biyfriend puts up with to be with me..Its taken me a long time to be as honest as i have with Danny about my ocd and we have been together for 5 years now.. he didnt fully understand until i lost my nanna and the grief on top of ocd sent me to another planet! i couldnt hide my ocd from him any longer and he saw to the full outward extent what it does to me.. hes tries so hard to understand but he cant realy because i as in the case with you and your boyfriend i CANT tell him.. you see the outter effects of ocd the compulsions but on the other side of that are the thoughts that surround them.. everyones different and everyone is effected differently.. but it sounds to me like your boyfriend cant tell you what makes him NEED to stay clear of germs because telling someone could in its self cause him more stress and send his anxiety to wash crazy.. it could be that he is too embarrased to tell you what MAKES him so afraid of germs.. what you must remember is how ever crazy his actions are how ever stupid and over the top they seem he KNOWS this too.. People with ocd know that what they feel compelled to do holds no relevence no or little relevence to what there thinking.. but we Have to do it.. and if we try to fight it and not do it, its worse..Your boyfriend has contamination issues about his family? but he dosnt about you? that in itsself is a big thing.. My main issues is obssesive thoughts but i cant tell my boyfriend any of them because because telling him might make them happen.. hes just learnt to not ask.. I hit my head (one of my compulsions unfortunetly) when he first realised he tried to stop me he'd hold my hands down so i couldnt or he'd make a fuss about it.. but now hes learnt that makes it worse and to help he just needs to leav eme alone til i get over that 'episode' you want tohelp your boyfriend the little htings are what help the most.. i understand totaly the ' just get over it' line.. he like every one of us wish we could.. Iv told Danny he deserves better more times then i can remeber.. its not because i dont want him.. I wouldnt be a functioning person if he wasnt here i love him so much.. Im just so sorry he has to live with these complications in me.. your boyfriend probley feels something simeler.. Is he on treatment? there are medications that can help and therapy too but ocd isnt curable.. and unfortunetly knowing there's help out isnt as easy as training your mind into allowing you to ask for it.. I hope you and your boyfriend can come to terms with his ocd it sounds like you love him very much.. Always feel free to ask me for advice anytime.. not that im great with the answers.. but maybe i can give you an insight were your boyfriend realy isnt able too.. good luck xx

2006-08-11T18:25:00.000-07:00

Dont want to go dont want to go dont want to go dont want to go dont want to go!!!!!!!

Going On this fated sodding holiday tomorrow with Danny and his family.. lovely gesture.. but the thought of spending 'girlie time' with his mum sister and brothers gf while 'the boys' go off and walk up mountains makes me feel ill in the pit of my stomach.. sends my whole being off into panick mode.. nothing against any of them at all.. i just cant do that sort of thing 'relaxed'
not to mention and not to overstate my 'dirt issues' cause realy they arnt my majour issue but still they are there and make me uncomfortable.. but sharing a cottage which is a holiday cottage so who knows how many random people have spread there muck there.. but sharing it with 6 other people.. sharing a bathroom and a shower with six other people.. does set my comfort radar squealing.. being away from home being so far away with out my own transport and means to get home also is sending me off in a tizz.. *sigh*
i feel like crying! i would LOVE to be able to go i would LOVE to be able to look forward to it as a change from everyday life and a week off work.. but with all this ocd rubbish in my mind i cant.. =( maybe theres a reason i havent has a holiday in 14years! =/
but no getting out of it now.. actualy was no getting out of it from the moment it was sprung upon me.. it was one of those.. Everyone else is going you cant NOT come..
no choice
...

as for other stuff.. bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

good stuff?

errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?

oooooooh life is a rollercoaster aint it.. just a few extra bumps for an ocd'er..

=)

xxkit..

2006-07-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

Anyone else ever get that feeling that life as an 'ocd'er' would be so much simpler lived alone?.. loving people only makes it harder when they realy dont understand whats going on for you.. only makes it harder to 'deal and get on with yur self' cause there attempts at help only hinder your mind or they just act like they couldnt give a damn.. only makes that feeling twice as hard to deal with because then its llike they have no regards to eveything you ever told them about your issue.. and they carry on regardless of how it effects you on any level..

sometimes i think it would be so much easier to cut ties and go somewere and live alone..

but how could i.. the biggest tie of all to anyone is the Ocd..

so thts an impossability.. as is staying mad with anyone so it festers you know.. i cant stay mad at them cause if something happens while im mad at them its my fault! ofcourse!..
so no.. i just have tobottle it all till i blow up and make a rigt pugs ear of everything!!!

sigh

2006-06-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

It seems to be becoming a pattern for me to open up the blog sit and stare at the empty box and close it with out writing anything.. iv fallen out with writing about me because i feel boring to my self!
i can rant on and on about ocd about how its effecting me stopping me from doing the simplist of things like having my hair cut going into town day to day living.. but what i cant do is help myself.. iv tried.. and i want it and i just cant do it.. i just cannot bring my self to se ea docter and sit in the chair when asked 'what is the problem' how do i say i have ocd?.. three simple words but they stunt me.. ill end up making something up! or running out of there.. it feels impossible.. but theres only me that can do it..
theres only me that can ask for the help..

Id like to say something realy positive but i cant! ocd has me as pinne dto the floor right about now as ever.. theres alot of stressful stuff going on in my life at the moment so there aint much hope of it easing off..

ah well..

as i said theres only me that can do anything about it.. i guese..

walk of doom

2006-04-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

I had a realistation a day or two ago.. i was thinking back to being a kid growing up.. something i try not to do too much.. It wasnt exactly walton'esk ya know.. for years i blamed my life for me having ocd.. i guese i still do.. in a way.. but a while back i realised my life and the stress's added to the ocd probley broguht it on at an early age but it was always in my mind.. always there.. i have a great long term memory.. i remeber thinks other people have forgotton or have been warped in there minds over the years ya know remebering things as they wanted them to be rather then how they actualy were.. happens alot in y family.. i dont.. i remeber as things were and can remeber way back to being 3years old. i believe i even remeber a past life (i beleive in that stuff! eachto ther eown huh.. ) but anyway i also know i have blocked things out.. chosen on some subconcious level not to remeber things.. because when i look deeply enough i know there there.. i try not too.. but back to my realisation.. i remebered how worried i was as a child.. alwaysss alwaysss worried.. id fret instantly if i couldnt get hold of my mum on the phone (she was always out at work or out) thats a big thing for me now still.. but i remeber i would eat sweets but leave 3 or everything.. or if they werrnt singuler sweets id take 3 bites of something and make sure i left three bites.. i always saved things for other people.. and had to give it to that person.. so my realisation is for as long as i have 'known' what is 'up' with me is ocd.. i thought it had started when i was nine.. i now see it started way before.. maybe its always been there..
What started me thinking and remembering i guese is my neice.. the most beuatiful baby in the world! shes nearly 21 months old.. but thing is she hits her head.. pretty similer to the way i hit my head.. or at least the way i started.. i dont know how theesable it is to think a 21month old could be having ocd effects.. but it strikes me as worrying.. maybe im being over paranoid or perceptive maybe i hope so.. but it worries me regardless.. she does it when you tell her shes wrong.. maybe its just a fustration thing.. her mum says its for attention.. i dunno.. and just incase anyones wondering she hasnt ever seen me hit my head so she isnt just copying.. im careful around her..

As for me im pushing myself.. least im trying.. its awful.. being in the street in public is like walking down rope bridge with no handles! it realy is that nerve wracking.. and so in my avoidence i get taxi's.. to and from work.. 6 days a week.. i make Danny get Taxi's too because otherwise id worry too much about him and when im worrying i cant function.. not functioning means not working.. and i cant let my self go back there.. but the taxi's are expensive and the irony is we put dannys car off the road last year to save money.. were spending double now on taxis.. but its a 15minute walk to the bus for my work.. right through the busy city center.. Nightmare.. its alful.. the feeling of panick anxious nervousness.. it takes my compleate concentration not to end up a jibbering wreck on the floor that gasping for air, the people hearing everyone but with selective hearing like there all judging me thinking i smell or im ugly or how fat i am laughing at my wobbley bits wobble as i walk.. (REALITY CHECK i know there not.. knowing and believing are two compleatly different things arnt they..)..
I walked to collect my neice from her nursary also in the middle of town today on my way to work.. i went dizzy and had a wobble a couple of times.. its worse when im alone if im with someone they occupy my mind and it cant go into overdrive ya know.. soas soon as i picked mollie mo up.. i wasnt so bad.. but i realy cant face that walk everyday.. even though i realy want to...

2006-04-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile again hasnt it..
I go through blog stages.. writing can turn easily into thinking too much about things i try to sit on.. thinking lead's to all sorts of thoughts that i dont much want..

recently iv been having horrible thoughts of hurting my neice such as dropping her her banging her head and being seriously hurt or worse.. different things.. ya know.. there not nice but i can farley easily push them away without them causing to much aniety and stresscause i 'Know' im always creful when im holding my neice shes precious to me.. and couldnt mean any more to me if she were my own daughter.. she'l be twoin july.. she 's a joy.. pure joy.. her giggle her smile can lighten up my darkest mood.. ya know..
anyway my main thoughts the ones that grip me and i cannot shake are most distressing and there realy is no power in me that can tell my self they are just thoughts and push them away..
but anyway.. im here! so i guese im still dealing..

i would like to put a call out to xendog incase he dosnt see my reply to he comment you left.. plase send me your blog address id realy like to read your blog.. i thankyou for reading mine and giving me the encouragement to continue with it..

So alot of things have been happening recently.. the new job is causing me more stress then it realy should.. my hours have upped from around 20 per week to a most uncomfortable 35 + this week being 41hrs this week.. i say uncomfortable not out of laziness just out of wanting to hide in my house and recoil from the world. and realy it is hard right now.. i work in a pub as well for pitys sake the best job ever for someone with social phobia right?!! iv had many a panick attack start recently some full blown cant gbreath type ones were to keep my 'cover' i have had to hide in the loo or cellar to calm my self down.. i hate the way it makes me feel.. someone can be laughing at the other end of the pub.. but my initial thought is there laughing at me.. instant body burning and aniety attck start.. many time a hsit that happens.. people always tell me to smile more what they dont realise is it takes all my energy to just be there stay sane for the time i am ther eand keep my phobias at bay that there aint no energy left for a constant smile!!
But unfortunetly incapabilty of wroking last year got us into debt and bills call now.. so upping my hours is a must my ocd is gonna have to get used to.. or more like im gonna have to get used to!..
but i am feeling more 'down' then i have for along while.. theres been moods irritabiltiy tears compleat breakdowns but mostly in private so im dealing so far!! its just the overwheliming feeling of depression i have back right now.. its terrible.. i did that test Bb put on his blog.. an online mentle health test.. now im not realy one that would advise such things or realy take them at face value.. but i did it.. and it came back with te o%nuts - Qoo% nuts bar about 2mm away from the 100% nuts no it dosnt realy say 'nuts' but its how i feel!!.. it told me i 'could' be suffereing right now of depression being bi polar manic social phobias and other stuff i forget now lets say lightend my mood anyway! weierd way of looking at it but when yougot soething like that telling you you have just about every mentle stressrelated whateever you can have you gotta laugh! if you dont laugh you cry and im not mush fond of tears.. i hate the taste of salt!

BUt like i said i dont takem them seriously.. i know i suffer with depression i no its bad i no i probley am manic somttimes.. but my depression these days is childs play to what it once was..
when i was growing up i went through a personel hell.. i can deal with the depression.. (i say that now but come back and ask me when its shoving its size 12's up my ass!!!)

ah well i think iv rambled about nothing usefull for quite long enough for one night its nearly 2am.. if i go to bed now i might get to sleep by 4am!!!

again ya gotta laugh.. sadistic isnt it..

Happy easter everyone.. whichever way you decide to celebrat it.. happy easter..

2006-03-26T15:50:00.000-08:00

Oh i need to rant about this subject cause even danny isnt understanding were im coming from on this..

but there this holiday i have to go on.. i cant remeber if i already mentiond it so if i repeat my self forgive me.. but anyway its a 'dannys familys' holiday only up to Wales which isnt a million miles away but far enough away from my home territory to make me incredibly uncomfortable.. hell a few streets away can do that to me if im with out a phone i can readily use at anytime, now im uncertain if the cottage we'l be staying in has a phone or not but im thinking not, and im already worried there wont be signal for my mobile phone as this place is in a farley remote village..
were supposed to be traveling down in Dannys parents car which is also an issue with me (one which Danny isnt understanding and has caused all mighty rows already) but first issues with that is that is being with out instant transport home may i need it.. like if i need to leave in the night or when ever just 'incase' dannys paretns wont jump outta bed to take me.. but i know danny would so i need us to go in his car.. just so i 'know',
this holiday is gonna be the most challenging thing iv done to hit my ocd head on in along time ya know.. just on its own the fact of staying in a house with Dannys Family being faced with social situations.. with out the added 'extras' so i hve to make what i can as easy as possible.. and this is were i am realising just how much danny dosnt realise about my ocd.. its becoming clear he thinks its stops and starts at what he can 'see' ya know.. but thats not his fault.. its an imposible thing for anyone unaafected to comprehend thats what i believe anyway..
but another issue is the bed sheets and towels such a silly thing.. but dannys parents precisly booked a cottage that provided bed linen and towels to save space in the cars becuase there just wouldnt be the space to take such things.. but there again 'issue!!!!!' i told danny i would have to take my own becaus i cannot comfortably sleep in linen slept in by random other people.. wehter it be cleaned and washed or not.. and i certainly cannot use towels on my face annd such that other people coulda used in places id rather not mention!.. its not a snobbery thing.. its a hygene thing! an obsessive one yes but thats what were about isnt it!.. anyway thats also a cuase for argument at the moment danny dosnt understand my issue with it.. *sigh*..

ahwell! life is about challenge i suppose.. hmmm..

2006-03-18T19:24:00.000-08:00

Hello!
its been awhile hasnt it.. various reasons for that realy.. maybe the whole 'anonymous' business did put me off writing how i feel and so forth.. as much as i can pretend otherwise it does did and will continue to bother me.. im ocd! for pitsy sake im a worrier.. what people think of me is an issue to me a bigger one then i would ever lik eit to be.. and i try my darndest to pretend other wise.. but bah..
anyway..
Been a harsh month realy as far as things go.. wrting this right now is taking more effort then it ever should.. you know writing the words out but it not feeling right so im going back and deleating it and rewriting it exactly the same way! ugh its annoying!..

but its late and when im tierd its worse so its my fault i should be in bed but im avoiding the task of the stairs because im tierd and its so draining just walking up the damed stairs! (i have issues with stairs in case you hadnt guesed!)

Things have been worse i guese because of change stress and stuff this month.. mums moved pubs (shes a publican) iv moved jobs.. and this past week iv had this uncredibe headache a full on throbbing behind my left eye.. iv had a couple of nights were iv had to do nothign apart from lay in silence with something over my eyes to block out light.. but it seems to be easy a bit now.. its gotta be tension and stuff.. but when you have a full on compulsion to hit your own head it dosnt help in the slightest! obviously!

Iv picked up the phone so many time sthis month to call docters.. mostly i dial the number and put the phone straight down! a couple of time i actualy got it to ring! but they didnt pick up!.. so i still havent got that sorted.. i have searched for support groups in my area to no avail im afraid.. and i have come to the decision to be open and honest and to try and stop being so ashamed of myself, i decided i would come clean to friends because the ocd has been realy quite paralizing this last few weeks iv not been socialbe at all.. and got a bit of a lecture from a friend over a messenger the other night makes me feel bad making up excuses not to do stuff.. and they know there excuses but just htinkim being lazy! so as soon as i talk this through with a docter and suss out some kinda way forward.. im gonna be honest to friendsr too...

oh another thing im having issues with right now which worries me becuase although iv always had concerns they wernt realy badly obsessive about germs.. at the moment the whole 'germs' thing is gettin to me.. such as i had a packet of crisps on the bar the other day.. and a customer helped himself to one.. i looked at the packet after woods and i could hardly bare to even touch the packet to throw them away! there was no question i couldnt eat them after his germ ridden hand had been inside there.. but not to be able to pick them up with out cringing is abit excessive i think.. thats just one recent incident.. theres been others that are a point of concern for me.. it just tells me again. that i cannot carry on alone in this.. and i realy have got a fixed mind now to try any which way of easing this thing..

Had a few too many set toos with danny recently too.. ocd related.. beign a worrie means i cant make decisions which is a strain.. liek silly things even not llife changing decisions heck id have no hope! but like the other night we were deciding what to have with dinner potaos or chips.. danny wanted me to make a decision cause he wasnt fussed either way.. i kept telling him i didnt mind but he kept on at me.. but ya see i cant even make that desicion because if i said chips then he would have gone out to the chip shop and if anything had of happend that would of been my fault and because i wanted chips.. yet if i said potatos that would mean him using the oven and had he burnt him self on the oven that woulda been my fault.. get it?

i explaind this to him but he dosnt understand not realy.. he tries..

2006-02-05T14:35:00.000-08:00

So i was thinking about deleating the whole annoynomous saga of comments and such i dont think this place needs the negativety, then i just kinda thought nope leave it so people can see the kind of ignorant minded people that do unfortunetly feel the need be negative towards others, so for the time bein it is left, i cant promise itl still be left by the end of this post as the whole thought process has begun and my anxiety is already tapping me on the shoulder!, people will read it and judge me on it, they wont like me because of it, ect ect,

Been working lots this week, up'd from 18 hours to around 30, i cant afford for the ocd to stop me working though i normaly only work 4hour days, this week iv done a few 9hour days as one girl was sacked and another is off sick, they were hard, its not to bad because i work in a bar and its not real busy so i can normaly compose my self as such by manipulating the thoughts and repeating in my head to keep me from visualy exploding into ocd in front of people, its not pleasent but its better then then people 'seeing', do you ever feel when you get tierd and complacent that you suddenly realise your following your O's and C's out without realising you were doing it, when i get realy tierd its like my control drops my brain quits its guard post, thats happend a few times this weeks on the longer shifts, i suddenly realised i was washing out a cloth but turning the tap on and rinsing it turnig the tap off, then on then off then on and off and rinsing then squeezing the excess water off the repeating, i suddenly realised when someone banged on the bar for service, then ofcourse the whole didnt turn it off propely starts didnt quite wet the cloth enough, and i had to run straight back and get it 'right'

iv been avoiding a lot this week, not going out once i get home, not realy moving from the one room once i got home from work, in honesty not realy moving from the sofa! even avoiding going to the loo til last minute so i can run straight there and just face the issues on the way back rather then to and from, its a pain in the arse, but its the only way sometimes, Dannys not helping a wholelot at the moment, hes one of these guys that gets up 5 minutes before he has to be at work, books a cab straightaway, runs around shrieking and stressing because hes gonna be late for work, then his cab will turn up and mostly he aint ready so it'l be beeping outside and he starts shrieking because of that and stressing more, then hel run outta the door and the house falls silent and its like a stress ball just exploded then disapeered leaving me to clear up the mess, it realy sets me off in a morning and once hes gone im it'l take me over an hour or more to actualy 'relax' to whatever extent, the amount of times iv asked him not to do this and to make sure he gives him self enough time, iv explained over and over to him it leaves me stressed for the day ahead, but he dosnt realise, see as much as danny sees its tenfold when im alone, he does try though mostly, he cried when he first saw the extent of thing hes cried a couple of times for me, it upsets him, one of my aflictions is to hit my head, thats the one i feel most shame about i guese, it started with tapping my forehead with my knuckel to rid the thoughts outta my head, then it got harder and harder, then my knuckes became swollen and my forehead too it turned to hitting my forehead with the side of my hand, i have a constant knobbly forehead and red bruise on my hand these days, but when the tapping first turned into hitting he tried to stop me, hed put his hands over my head knowing i couldnt hit them, it made the anxiety to do it so much worse, he didnt realise though, i had to explain to him several times it dosnt help, now he will rub my head when my 'spat' is over, he tries in so many ways so hard, he loves me regardless of everything, loving me asks alot of him, i know, so i try and deal with the mornings thing mostly.

Id be lost without him, im not sure id even bother trying,when things are realy bad i still get the notion to just give up, say to hell with it i dont wanna live on in this head, maybe ill have better luck in the next life, i did try that route once when i was 15, i think after realising what was 'different' about me and feeling the shame and embarrasment, i didnt go through with it, i took about 6 pills of the ones i had gotton ready, then there was a knock on the door, i didnt answer it but i peeked, it was my best freind of the time, and i stopped, felt jelly legged and went to bed,
Its not something i recomend dont get me wrong but its something i thought about numerous times ove rthe years and still do occasionly, but while theres someone that loves me in the world i cant,
Im a worrier after all! how can i leave the ones i love in a world like this! without my worrying protection!

i do laugh at ocd sometimes i laugh at my self and the ridiculous of it, probley more so these days then i do cry about it, i just get on with it i guese thats a good thing.

Reply to comments on previous post,

2006-01-28T17:22:00.000-08:00

Ok Firstly, the comments left by 'anonyomous' im taking it as its the same 'anonymous' person to leave both comments, because i refuse to believe there could be more then one bonsai brained judgmentle fool that reads blogs for the sake of leaving comments for the sole purpose of attempting to upset the writer,

Anonymous said...

kit you are not the only one in the world suffering from this get over yourself and get some help
January 28, 2006 3:47 PM

Anonymous said...

you need to stop being the victim and do something about it if you can't live this way and you you don't believe in therapy or medication shut the fuck UP!
January 28, 2006 3:51 PM

ok firstly, i know full well i am not the only person living with ocd, i know full well i am not the only person to feel the serverity of ocd, mine is no more importent or less important then anyone else, i have never declared so, besides the fact this ISNT a compition! Secondly this is MY blog, MY space were i do and WILL continue to write about how I feel at that particulour time, that is what i write here for, i write here for MYSELF not you, 'get over your self'! excuse me i think you need to get over your own self importance before offering advice like that to others,
As for the second comment,
Then what utter crap
Victom!?! i dont see my self as a victom you ignorant fool, i have an ILLNESS! simple, yes i drown in self pity occasionaly, if youd done your research you might realise DEPRESSION runs along side ocd and bdd, you wake up hating the fuck outta yourself everyday yet trying to portrey normality to everyone around you, see how it makes you feel, now if i choose to use a bit of empty web space in which to do that i will, if i saw myself as a victom i woulda given up already,
and as for the meds and Therapy, Reread the blog, when did i once say i didnt BELIEVE in either?!
My reseaerch on therapy Gives nothing but good results, the waiting lists in the uk to get therapy are huge, the waiting lists in the uk for anything simeler are huge,

My deal with medication is my fear of becoming realient on it, that dosnt fix anything it only hides it awhile,

My deal with actualy getting help in the first place is the OCD! ffs, i personaly cannot 'talk' face to face about it, how on earth i would walk into a docters surgery and get help seems an impossible thought to me and i know full well i would have a panick attack before i even got to the surgery, alot of ocds live in avoidence of such tasks because they cause so much head stress, you realy wouldnt undertand that obviously, i want help! i just dont see a way around getting it at the moment!

but as i already said this IS my space, and i will continue to write as i do, if i have a bad day ill write about it, if you see that as 'self pity' or whatever, dont read my blog again, i dont ask you too,

2006-01-27T11:07:00.000-08:00

Been reading up on some of the ocd sites that are out there, and they so annoy me, (havent checked up on the link Mcreadie gave me yet but i will after iv ranted! heh) alot of them are just so black and white, and from what im learning i dont think there is anything black and white about this, they are so blatently written by someone that has never been affected by ocd,
I dont feel there is a single person uneffected that could realy and truley understand this, another reason going to the docters about this is so hard, they can read all the books they like, read all the research reports, but i still feel as though they'd just look at me as though i were insane, i know i know thats probley not true, but dosnt make it any easier,

My ocd is made up of both compulsions and obsessions, thoughts of bad things happening, compulsions telling me if i follow them it will prevent the bad things happening, but not just that, its everything, if something dosnt 'feel' right i have to make it feel right, if im walking and i tread on something or theres something in my path, i have to back up and rewalk, over and over til its 'right' i have thoughts i repeat in my head over and over again, to attempt to block the spontanious bad thoughts, the bad thoughts are so compleatly all consuming and distressing, there constant, i cant say or even type certain words, even if i hear certain words, i have to make amends for it, be it by compulsions or repeating in my head, to look at certain colours have attachments to 'bad things' so they cause distress, using certain colours is near impossible,
Watching movies with *bad things* in movies (which i also cant mention!) is a no no, worrying ALL the time, that somethings gonna happen, not to me to people i care about, that if they go out this might happen or that might happen, if i cant get hold of them when i try to my head flips into outta space!, i 'know' its compleatly irrational, dosnt make it any the less stressful =/
objects, things, and even appliencies which i cant even 'say' or type mess with my head, everything mess's with my sodding head it seems!!!!! =/

but i kinda need to quit this now! bah sodding head!

2006-01-25T12:03:00.000-08:00

Im writing here now because i just read a comment on one of my posts telling me 'not to hate my ocd but to embrace it' i snapped! i got to mad at that, im sorry i feel i was harsh in my reply to it, but i dont know who left it it was an anonymous msg, i dont know were that persons experiance lyes with ocd, so my reply might well be unfair,
In that though i do stand by what i say, i do HATE ocd, i hate it with every ounce i can musta, it will never be something i embrace, i just 'deal' i deal in whatever way i can each day, if something made your life a misery day in day out, would you embrace it?, hatng the ocd isnt a good thing, but what else am i supposed to do?, i resent that i have it i resent that iv had it so long i resent how it affects me, and what it does to my life.

Im not a hate ful person, hate is a wasted emotion the only person it affects is you, but then atleast its under my controll unlike the ocd.

2006-01-24T19:06:00.000-08:00

So im still fighting myselfto come clean to the people around me, whats hard isnt so much in telling my freinds, its more in telling my family, and just blatently having to deal with questions and such,

My ocd is bad right now, its always bad to be honest, but it was my birthday on sunday, and none of the plans for the weekend went according to plan, and theres been alot of stress on my shoulders, its impossible for me right now to keep my head still!,

Its so parralizing at times, all i can say is thank the lord for technolegy! having a laptop beside me, a remote for the tv and a portable phone are a heavens save at these times, because even so much as walking across the room is a majer task, its so stressfull even going to the loo! because i have to pass stairs and walls and corners of walls that all have there own hold over me, and compulsions that need to be carried outso for that split second my brain can settle until it moves onto the next thing!

What i would like to know, if there is anyone out there reading this who has ocd, is just how much does it effect you?, as in is it constant in your mind or can you do your 'thing' and then it leaves you alone for awhile?, do you wake up in the morning with the 'thoughts' instantly in your mind? them leading to the obsesions and compulsions before youve even woken up propely?can you kiss your partener with out amillion other unrelated thoughts running through your mind, do you ever get any peace?
I dont, it is litteraly constant in my mind, never letting up never forgetting, no peace, just this constant wracket, i kiss my bf and am still having thoughts and following compulsions, im thinking about something and the ocd is there trying to shout louder it seems, i would litteraly get on my knees and beg for just ten minues a day were its not there, were i can kiss Danny and soley concentrate on him, just him,

Writing this blog depresses me! it makes me face what i try and forget, iv lived with ocd for so long now it is life, it is how things are, dosnt mean i like it, dosnt mean im not incredibly angry that i face this everyday, it just 'is' i try my damdest to get on with the ocd and with my life as best i can, sometimes the two clash and ocd wins hands down!

the other thing is BDD 'body dismorphic disorder' now that is a painful one, i see my self as the ugliest person in the world! litteraly how ever crazy and dumb it seems when someone looks at me, my brain tells me there thinking ''Woah shes ugly!!!!!'' if someone comes close to me i start into a panick attack! i boil over and my breathing becomes realy rapid, then i feel dirty, smelly, like there thinking how ugly disgusting and stinky i am! i have to get out of the situation how ever which way i can, if someone compliments me, i instanly feel as though there taking the micky, and actualy thinking ''shes looks like shit!''
ya know in reality i know im nothing special, i know im not even to be classed as pretty!, but couild i realy be as disgusting as i feel to myself?

This is all mind games, but why? i often think i could rid myself of ocd if i just 'stopped' if i just snatched the control back and refusaed to follow the compulsions, and ignored the thoughts and obsessions, after all im not crazy, i know what i do is irrational, but it realy is impossible to stop, there is no way,
yes its all volentary actions, BUT its like breathing, breathing is a voluntary action, but have you ever tried just stopping, just not taking in the air, how hard is that? to hold it for any period of time, thats the same as the ocd, following the compusions is as nessesary as breathing.

2006-01-12T18:59:00.001-08:00

I cant sleep tonight though im incedibly tierd, my brain just wont shut the hell up!

Had a horrible row with my mum earlier so my heads in a spin, so as im laid here thinking i thought i might aswell blog in somesence to maybe distract from the 'thoughts' so here i am,

but what iv been wondering is who infact am i? i have no idea to wear my charector is me and were it is ocd controlled, being as ocd started for me as a child of nine iv had it for over half my life through all the important teenage years wear your charector is realy cemented, so would i be a compleatly different person had ocd nevver got a hold of me? would i still hate my self and feel compleatly worthless to the world? who knows, whats the point in looking back? on wishing for what coulda been? if my life had taken a different path if i was a different person, maybe i would never have met danny, do you know the amount of times i have wished i didnt have ocd, the amount of times the obsessions and compulsions have broke me into a wreck of tears while hitting my head and walking up and down the stairs over and over again as one step outta place one wrong touch of the floor with my feet one wrong touch of the wall and banister sends me all the way back to the brginning, over and over again while all the time knowing how irrational it was, but if i didnt have ocd would i be me? who is me? i dont understand what danny loves about me, i dont understand what danny sees when he tells me im beautiful.
Im trying withthe whole opening up thing, its hard, im afraid, im afraid my freinds dismiss it and tell me to get my act together, im afraid they try and offer advice when they just dont understand it, im afraid they dont understand what severe ocd means, that it isnt just a giggle at oddities like having thinngs staight, we used to giggle at my nanna cause things had to be 'just right' but this isnt like that, that i could cope with! this is evey waking moment of every day, till i fall asleep the moment i wake up my head is jabbering horrible distressing thoughts at me, its insanity gone wrong! they forgot to stick in the bit were we realy are actualy insane! instead they let us know were following compulsions and thoughts that have no real relevence, sadistic bastards!
argh,

it still stikes me when i read one of your blogs or you leave me a message that i am not alone that there are other people that suffer this too, when youve felt as alone with this as i have it kind of feels like noone in the world could understand, and then there you are all of audden theres support just a blog away,

2006-01-12T18:59:00.000-08:00

2006!

2006-01-07T12:57:00.000-08:00

Well heres 2006!

*cheers* (raises sunkist orange pop!)

Well christmas went past in a blur of business though it was nice, spent time with my mum and mollie, and with danns family, worked the evening christmas night, news years was fun also had freinds round until daybreak the next day two nights running, didnt getdrunk on either occasion mores the piy but hey ho,

lotsa stuff going on at the moment though, my heads at bursting point, i made a few new years resolutions this year, the old usual 'diet' (never happens! infact im curently contemplating ordering a lovely cheesy garlic bread takeaway!) sort the house out, at the moment we have two bedrooms including our own overrun by boxes carpet rolls and junk theres still masking tape on the picture rail from decorationg when we moved in around 3years ago! and also to sort 'me' out, be it anyway i can, pills docters, phychiatrists, how ever i can get some ease from the head hell, i want it, i need it, because its not fair especialy n danny my partener, he trys so hard to do whats right to try and ease my stress's, he stays home when realy he wants to go to his freinds, because he knows my 'worrying' will drive me nuts while hes gone,
But its not an easy thing to do 'ask for help' especialy when your as secretive as i am about this, but im working on being more honest, im working on letting it be out in the open, its not easy,
The ocd has mucked up so much for me already, and now im leavinf uni again because iv had too much time off for ocd head fucks, too much stress trying to catch with the work, the ocd gets a hold and whoop viciosu circle, bah
as i said lotsa stuff going on possiblr chane in job coming, or even loss of job, stress with family as per usual,

I just wanna stop worrying!
Its so utterly exhausting.

How???????

2005-11-30T02:47:00.000-08:00

Ok so, im sitting here trying to do ANYTHING but what im sat here to acyualy do!

Iv checked all my emails, didnt take long!, iv nosied the sites i regulry look at, there all down for maintenence, so now im here 'avoiding'

But maybe it'l settle my mind to write here first we'l see,

so to fill you in i started on a course in november, it is stressful but i thought i would be able to cope, its the right kinda stress, what keeps you busy, and keepping busy is the only way sometimes for slight relief to the ever growing racket inside my head, but i got ill, nothing serious but first i got sick for two days, directly after i got a wham bang case of flu, next i got a throat infection and cough, so i have had time off the course, but sad thing is the ocd has caught me hook line and sinker, dragged me into that dark place, and i couldnt even call my tuteres to explain i was ill and couldnt attend the course, so now weeks passed and i havent called, i NEED to try and salvage this, but i look at the phone and soooooowant to call and tel them the truth that i havent called becuse the wory and stress the ocd causes me is making it impossible, things ave changed while iv brrn away too, theres a new tutr, iv never met him i dont know how to start telling a complete strnger the most private secret in my whole life! iv psyched myseld into calling then i just sit and look at the phone, iv thought about just going in and telling them face to face, iv thought about writing it down, and giving them a letter to read,

thinking is what im good at, never stop thinking! its the 'doing' thats near impossible,

anyway iv finaly come to the decision to write it all down, and in some attepmt try and save myself from myself, i realy want to carry on with the course i realy want to make a full effort, and i feel the only way i can do it is by coming clean being honest for once, i want the tuters to know im serious about studying, i dontwant them to think im taking so much time off and just not botherd about it,

but then what will they think????

what do they know about ocd??if anything??

will they just think im a freak???!?!?

will they just dismiss me as being crazy?!

will they feel uncomfortable around me,

fuck cryung now!!! what a waste of time, you no the tears come but its like crying for what???
self pity! yes,
whats the point in crying about something i cant do anything about, i feels so selfish to cry because i have ocd, sp pointless and stupid, but its sooooooooooo hard so compleatly hard to carry on going sometimes, to carry on knowing that ill live in this head for the rest of my life,
crying is like mourning for somone i know i could be if it wasnt for the ocd, knowing i could be a better person, if this thing would just leave me alone.

anyway back on point tear burst over!

I guese its a risk im going to havr to take, brcause if i dont i wont be taken serious,

I thought long about coming clean about the ocd, just stop hidng it, iv wondered if that would take some of the stress off or cause more because id then be thinking everyone knows and thinks im nuts!

were haing friends over omn sat, pretty much all the close freinds will be there im thinking of getting drunk and just blurting it out!

but then these days people pretty much have heard of ocd, but associate it with the typical germs ect, i dont have the germ facter, well not to any abnormal exrent, if i touch somethin gross i have to wash my hands but its no more then that, people make gags about ocd, they dont se eit as a serious thing they dont see it as something that paralises someones life, what was that film, 'as good as it gets'? with jack ncolson as an ocd effective, using his plastic cuterly its a comedy sure, and yes ocd can be funny its so darn stupid its funny, i can laugh at myself, but thats not were it stops, i can laugh on occasion, but i can also cry, i can hit myself, i can wish wasnt alive, i can hate myself, i can hae ocd, it is consuming, but it realy isnt funny, it realy isnt 'nothing'
it realy isnt 'ok'

would it just make freidns ncomfortable to know?

people dont ask you 'hey how are you?' bacause they realy want to know, they just want the answer back that 'yeah alls well'' they dont want to 'know'

iv ried tellling my mum even she dosnt want to 'know' even though she MUST know somrthing is wron with me, she dosnt want to 'know' she dosnt want it confirming, she dosnt care.

so something i dont even feel comfortable telling people close to me i now have to somehow write down and actualy take in to the college, with out freaking out, without having a panick attack on the way,

how do i break off the ocd track to do that??????

2005-11-21T07:19:00.000-08:00

Its been such a long time since i posted here, i guese in somekind of avoidence of depression, iv lived with ocd for so long now its life, i cant remeber life before ocd, i cant remeber wether i was ever stress free, my earliest memory is of seeing my father beat my mum up, from there i try to remeber things positive things rather then all the bad, but there all shadowed by somthing i cant realy explain, something dark, im past the point of hating, theres no pointin hating ocd, theres no point in hating that it effects me, its there, i have to face it and deal with it, thinking about it, writing about it, forces me to face it, facing it depresses me as much as i wish it didnt, i try to go about a normal life as if there is nothing wrong with me, i wont let people know about my ocd, thats my avoidence, and isnt that ocd winning?!
It is, it is beating me, right now its bad, somedays are better then other, but then the smallest of stress's drag me right down again, its so tiresome,

from the minute i wake upuntil the minute i go to sleep its there hounding me!

I wish i could be open

i wish i could stop feeling ashamed

But to tell people would leave me open, and the way my head works is fucked up anyway and im not sure if that would make everything twenty time worse!

how do people react? iv never met anyone with ocd, Or have i? and they just keep it a secret to?

I dont even know how togo into a docters surgery andask for help!
i cant even face that as much as i try i cant,
the ocd takes its grip and i just cant,

Still..

2005-09-22T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well i still havent seen a docter.. i realy cant get it into my brain that thay can help.. i dont feel it.. and the thought of going to a docters makes my body burn just sitting here thinking about it.. id get into the room and freak out and wouldnt tell him/her about the ocd anyway.. i know cause there is one person only in the entire world close to me that knows see's my compulsions.. sees me punshing my own head! sees me touching walls shaking my head trying to shake the obsessions outta my head.. he see's me acting nuts.. but i still cant even tell him what drives them.. the obseesions in my head.. i cant tell him what the thoughts in my head are.. and its become an obsession in itsself now to keep them in there if i tell then something bad will happen..

Ugh its soooooooooooo damn ridiculous.. and i Know it.. why can i not just 'Stop'????

anyway.. blah.. if some onehad the answer to that question there woudnt be need for the question in the first place right..

Well i have started back at university!.. on monday.. i pushed my self every step of the way! walking down the street seeing the college aproach closer and closer was like i was walking to doom!.. my body burnt.. my heart raced.. my breath became increasing heavy as if id been running a ten mile treck Uphill!.. now i know im not the fittest of people but thats verging on ridiculous!.. anyway yeah.. panick attack.. ugh.. because i know rationaly my thoughts and worries are stupid i can fight against it concenterate on somethiong else and it seems to work.. any way by the time i got to the gates id pushed it out of my head.. and the day wasnt to bad..
Its hard though i will admit that.. as much as i'd like to think i'll be ok i can cope with uni. im not sure i can.. the work dosnt bother me, its talking to people asking people things the fear of looking stupid by asking the wrong thing.. having my work graded.. presentations in front of the other students!..
the fact that i can never look at my own work and just think yeah thats ok.. i always hate it its never good enough.. i look at everyone elses and think theres is so much better.. i realy need to get over that.. *sigh*

Iv come imensly close to telling a few people recently about the ocd.. one of these days im gonna get drunk and just spit it out!..
Im not gonnabe able to carry on hiding it forever.. it is getting worse.. as much as i'd like to pretend i can controll it i cant always..

blah im sorry i started this blog to show other ocd sufferers they wernt alone.. because truley NO one without ocd can understand it.. they realy cant.. its beyond our resoning as to why we cant stop somethng we know is stupid.. so how are they supposed to understand it?!!..

Anyway what ever the intention for my blog was.. i realy dont think its gonna help anyone!.. im afraid i dont have any insperational words of wisdom on this subject..

more ranting!

2005-08-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

Stressfull week.. whats new! and when isnt it stressful!!...

But realy had family dilemas as usual caused by my violent layabout brother last weekend.. ended up arguing with my mum and came withen inches inches of telling her about my ocd.. but didnt..

See my ocd stems down to something that happend when i was nine.. which ultimetly stems down to choices my mum had made.. well no i should correct that my ocd was triggerd when i was nine.. but how do you tell your mum that?!..

'oh yeah mum btw im screwed up in the head big time.. have been hiding it from you for years''

besides she MUST know somethings up in there iv caught 'looks' from her.. yet shes never asked.. so i figure she has enough stress in her life.. as i mentioned my brother is an idiot hes 24 gets drunk all the time and spunges off mum.. maybe she wants to believe at least one of her childeren turned out well adjusted..

anway its been a busy week at work but still i feel myself been ever concious of the ocd and feeling totaly aware of making sure i dont set off in front of people..

i walked into toen a couple of times this week both times i felt the burning start.. the heart beat racing.. short of breath like id ran up 50 stairs.. i manage to halt full on panick attacks by focassing on something... anything even if its letting the ocd take over in my head i let it.. it stops the panick attacks flying out of all control, see i have out ward compulsions and repetitive thoughts...

Im not currently registered with a docter i havent been since i was a child.. see thats how much i do NOT do docters and medications and such.. but i looked at the docters close by that i wanted t go to.. that i think i would fele comfortable with because its just around the corner but there not taking any new patients.. so i have to look elsewere.. of course my head is telling mw that this is fate and i shouldnt go to the docters.. but there is a medical center about 20/30 ins walk away when i summon up more currage i will call them and see if there accepting new patients.