My Scarlet Conclusion

When The Blue Snowflakes Start Falling

2009-12-18T18:45:00.001-08:00

I've got a case of the holiday blues. Find myself in a funk today. Dont really know why I'm feeling down. Everything's been good, really good actually. There's some good things that have come my way in the last couple of weeks and I should be enjoying them. Instead, I'm sitting here just feeling blue. I miss my Dad. Cried today thinking of him. Hadn't done that in a long time. The family is scattering for Christmas, Mom will be in Minneapolis visiting the little grandchildren, Desarae will spend it with friends. I can go and spend it with my Brother and his family, the invitation has been recieved. I just dont really want to. I've been thinking of hopping on a plane and going on an adventure. Maybe I will. Maybe that's what I need.

Happy Birthday To Me

2009-12-07T16:55:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday. It's a bittersweet day. Another birthday here and yet so many aspects of my life not what I wish they were. There have been some changes lately and I find myself without a person that had taken center stage in my life. I wont write about that today. It has taken away from how happy the day could have been but I'm not going to let it spoil it. It's my day. In a couple of hours I will be celebrating with people who love me, who have been there for me when things have been difficult and laughed with me when life has been good. I've recieved texts all day today from friends all over the country and they have made me feel loved. I have many birhday wishes to make when I blow out the candles tonight......I just know this year they will all come true.

Take A Breath, Take It Deep

2009-12-05T01:40:00.000-08:00

Just a few days ago I found something I had written at the beginning of December of last year for this blog, something I had decided not to share after all. I don't even remember why to be honest. I hardly remember writing it. I waited until it was exactly a year to the day I describe below to post it. Perhaps because I felt there was irony in finding it when I've come full circle and can say that that chapter of my life is one that has been written, read, remembered, but now over. I considered editing what I wrote. At the time I was also going thru a painful breakup so emotions were very raw, but decided that I would let myself be seen as I was.

I can never forget the smell of Tijuana. If I was blindfolded and taken there I would know where I was. The smell of burning tires, the smell of poverty, of delicious Mexican sweet bread and taco stands. It starts to rain as we arrive at the clinic. The last time I was here was so many years ago as a child when I had been brought to receive holistic treatments for severe asthma. Oasis of Hope it is called. It looks completely different from what I remember. Then, a small clinic. Now, a big state of the art hospital. The difference from the cold and sterile hospitals I had been going to in California was felt the moment I walk in. The focus here is not only on the physical healing but of the emotional and spiritual as well. They are gentle. They smile when they speak to me and touch my arm with concern. All of the kindness around me almost makes me break down in tears. I then realize how much I had wanted to be spoken to that way. To have people make me feel that they care. I am lacking this in every other aspect of my life.

And so it begins....the tests that will determine why blood has been staining the inside of my left bra cup on a daily basis for the past month. Blood tests, painful digital mammogram, then the waiting for the doctor to see the results. The young nurse who just performed the mammogram walks back into the room and says "The doctor wants to run another test because she sees something on the right breast."

The right breast? You mean the left one, I say. I'm here because of the left breast. There's nothing wrong with my right breast, I insist. I can hear my voice become squeaky, high, a little too loud.

"Well, she wants me to give you an ultrasound on both breasts", she says softly and smiles as she takes me to a room where I am to sit and wait to be taken into the room where the ultrasound will be performed. I am told to sit, look at a magazine, relax, watch some tv. Do you want some water, juice, coffee? I don't want anything. I just want to leave. I look up at the television and see that Oprah is on. To this day I cannot watch an episode of Oprah without beginning to feel a bit of anxiety.

I walk over to the window and look out; I can see the ocean just a few blocks away. It is dark and gray. I tell myself I will forever remember this room, this day. I will remember standing in this cold, brightly lit room, alone. I will remember the sense of desperation that I feel. I am part of the city. Desperate.

I look out the window and close my eyes and imagine feeling his arms around me. How much I need him right now. How far away he is. He doesn’t care that I am here. He's made it clear.

The nice pretty nurse escorts me to the examination room. It's dark and I don't want to go in. She begins the ultrasound. I feel her circling around the same two spots. Click, picture taken. Click, again. Over and over again until I’m annoyed and want to tell her to stop. "I’m going to get the doctor, I want her to see something" she says in a cheery voice that does not match where I am or why I’m here or the look she just tried to hide. I want to hear that it was all a mistake but am told just the opposite.

The doctor, a woman, comes in, introduces herself and it begins again. Click. Click. Picture after picture. Why are they focusing on my right breast?? I want to yell that out but stay silent. Finally she says "We found two nodules on your right breast. We'll have to schedule you for surgery to remove them."

I can’t even speak. I just say "Okay".

She goes on..."There's also a test that has to be done on the left breast to find where the bleeding is coming from. We have to inject ink into your nipple, this will lead us to where the bleeding is.

I can't today, I whisper. I’m starting to panic. I feel like I’m going to faint. I want to throw up. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to be here. I want him to come and get me. I want him to take me away from here.

She says, "Not today. You will need to be sedated. We will make the appointment for the morning." She asks me if Im okay. I want to say NO! But I smile and say, "Yes, just nervous. I'm scared of needles".

What I want to say is that I'm scared of cancer. I've seen what it is capable of.

She walks out and I remain laying on the table in the uncomfortable hospital gown looking up at the ceiling. I bite the inside of my lip and tell myself over and over, don’t cry. Don’t cry. Dont cry.

I walk out of the room and I'm taken back to the dressing room to change out of the hospital gown and into my own clothes. I sit there and reach for my phone to call him. I want to hear his voice. I want to cry and tell him I'm scared. I want to hear him say he loves me. I call but he doesn’t answer and I know he won't call back.

My head hurts. I have to make small talk so my Mom and Aunt think I’m fine. I have to be sure they are fine with this. I have to smile and say "Yes, I’m hungry" when they suggest driving to Puerto Nuevo for a lobster dinner when the thought of food makes me want to be sick.

I want to run away from this. I want to get in the car and drive away from this. I want to get on a plane and hide from this. But I know there’s no where to run. I know there’s no where to go.

I have to be strong.

The past has taught me to be strong.

I am my father's daughter.

I am my father's daughter.

Everything Is Not Broken

2009-11-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

I can't believe the year is almost at its end and the holidays are just around the corner. I can still clearly remember the end of last year and what a horrible time in my life that was. I'm very much looking forward to celebrating the holidays in my own home with loved ones. In less than a month it will be my birthday and unlike last year, this one promises to be very special. I found out that my special someone is planning something big for me and I'm giddy with anticipation. I don't care how old I get, birthdays always make me happy and excited.

After an unexpected Come to Jesus moment a little over a month ago, I'm finally back to being in a good place where complications are few and love is all around me. I've always been the believer of Karma, and unfortunately this time around it was I that was given a bit of the what goes around comes around lesson. I behaved badly and Karma taught me that no one is immune to her punishment. I had to learn to forgive in order to be forgiven, which by the way, is no easy task. I definitely feel that I now see certain people in a clearer light and will appreciate what they bring into my life and not take them for granted again. I have placed blame where blame is due and can love freely and honestly....and after months of secrets and tangled webs, it feels good, really good.

The Resolution Of All The Fruitless Searches

2009-09-10T23:50:00.001-07:00

Driving home in evening rush hour, heart beating quickly, my body aching for the quiet only found in his arms.

I walk through the house removing layers of clothing, layers of the day and of myself, every step is taking me towards the bedroom where he sleeps. I climb into bed, gently, so not to wake him. I need to lay next to him, feel his skin against mine and lay my head in that special spot on his chest, beneath his chin where I fit so well.

He wakes.

We lay a long time without saying a word, looking at each other. I do not know what he sees, but I see eyes of surpassing tenderness and love. In the golden iris of his eyes I see truth and honesty and it lulls me into peace.
I sleep.

When I wake again, he is still looking at me, his gaze silently letting me know he is there to stand guard over me and protect me from the shadows that hide in the corners of my mind.

I know that though we are hardly touching, we are falling deeper and deeper into a place beyond words or touch....

we are falling into love.

That's Not The Shape Of My Heart

2009-08-21T03:42:00.000-07:00

It's 3 o'clock in the morning and I'm lonely. I've been laying in bed, unable to sleep, tossing and turning and just feeling...lonely. I've been a little bit blue all day. Nothing happened to make me suddenly feel this way. I just woke up sad and the feeling has lingered through the day. I had been feeling light for so many days. Waking up and feeling a weight on my heart was so unexpected. If I was surrounded by people, I think I would still feel lonely. Isn't it strange to feel that way?

I wish I wasn't sleeping alone tonight. I miss him. I wish I could lay my head on his chest while he sleeps and listen to his heart beat. Let the rhythm of the beats be my lullaby. It's only then that I would have peace and sleep. He's the only one who can calm the storm within.

I wish I wasn't feeling so lonely tonight. I wish I could sleep. I wish I didn't miss him so much.

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

As Constant As Any Sun

2009-08-16T20:28:00.000-07:00

Maybe it has been the brilliant meteor showers this past week, the wishes made on the shootings stars streaking across the desert sky or perhaps the acceptance that some aspects of my life are not ready for change that have brought a certain blissful peace over me. Whatever the reason for this sense of calm, I welcome it. The recent thunderstorm of emotions had left me weary, tired, confused. This quiet tranquility has given me opportunity to think, to make decisions, to make sense of my feelings. To understand that I can't rush what is yet to be.

Someone very close to my heart recently told me that I write of love on this blog yet I can't reach out for it, I only dream of it. How strange it was to hear those words from someone who I felt knows me, for those words are far from the truth. I reach out to love. I grasp on to it. And even when I should let it go, it's power over me does not permit me to do so. I suffer from that love. I find happiness within it. I am controlled by love. I am controlled by my passions. I allow it to lead me into depths of desire and love some never reach. I lead my life by the beats of my heart. For me, passion is not released by sex alone. I am not tempted by sex. I succumb to my desires, my passions only to the heart who I know can reciprocate the intense emotions I am controlled by.

It can only be about sex
we both know that.

But
what I wonder is
why
after every molecule of desire
in my body has been satisfied
after
the sudden moistening, the deep
fierce aching and rising heat,
after
the throbbing glory of release and the cries
of need and pleasure have dissolved
into the air,
Something like my soul slips from me
and goes to you,
without choice or question,
and wraps itself around you
all night, like the breath
of the moon
And why
I carry the thought of you
as constant as any sun
in my heart.

-g.zeitlin

Stripped

2009-07-31T03:08:00.001-07:00

I've been working on something. An exclusive blog. A blog where my secrets will be revealed to those who ask for access. I've grown weary of those who read the words I write here, who talk about them, who get hurt by them, who love me less or love me more because of them. This new blog will be different, all mystery gone, no shadows to hide behind. A place where I will reveal myself. My true self. No tangle of words. It will just be me. Stripped. As much as I love the mystery behind the words I write there are times when I just need to say things as they are. I will still continue to post on this blog in the style that I love. It will not change.

If you would like access to
Lost in Sweet Delirium
email: my.scarlet.conclusion@gmail.com

Drink Up, Baby Doll

2009-07-27T00:11:00.000-07:00

Leave me be. Stop knocking at my door and trying to look through my windows. Do you understand? I know you're there. I see you every day. The words I write are for me. The words I write are for him. Ours is a never-ending story. The things I write are what's in my heart.....what's in his heart I won't share. I keep what he feels and what he says in the silver box of treasures and wishes he has given me. Do you not have a story of your own? What sickness drives you to me time after time? Am I an addiction? Are my emotions, pain and love your drug? My words are not meant to be conversations to be shared over coffee, or wine, or for your amusement. Were you not asked to stop? If questions cloud your mind ask him. Maybe he will lie. Maybe he will tell you the truth....that the torture I put myself thru is a torture we share and that our future is in my hands. Stop looking to me for answers.

Leave. Me. Be.

Always Between The Lines

2009-07-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

The moment has come to pass. The page has been turned. The dark clouds that had drifted above me gave way to a luminous sun. It became clear that my constant deviation from the path I should be on was a detour that was taking me in the wrong direction. I allowed wishful thinking to fade the memories that linger between the lines.

I now begin a new chapter in my life. The next few weeks will be both exciting and busy. We are leaving on a weekend trip tomorrow morning and another next weekend, both of which I am looking forward to. I am hoping to come back with a renewed sense of clarity, ready to move forward with plans that I've been afraid to put into motion, ready for a new beginning in a new house, and ready to let the shadows of the past fall away and make room for what's already here, and especially for what's about to come.

I’m Best At Leaving When Leaving Is Not The Best Thing

2009-07-15T20:23:00.000-07:00

Making up after breaking up isn't as easy as love songs make it out to be. I've spent the week at home trying to make up for my hurtful words and actions. No, that's not true. I must be honest, I haven't been trying very hard. I still don't feel like myself and I'm holding our relationship at arms length. The closer it gets to the first of August, the more I seem to pull away. I'm scared I'm making a decision I will regret. I'm afraid of what I will lose either way I go. I know you don't know what I mean....as I've said many times this week..."I don't want to talk about it right now". All I've done is hide behind drunk laughter. Changing the subject when he brings up something I said that hurt or why I left. Changing the subject when he wants to clarify something he knows I've over analyzed in my head. I see it there in his eyes, behind his big smile, hurt. I say nothing. I don't know what words to say to make him feel secure when I can't even understand why I did or said what I did to him. I feel distant. It isn't just towards him....I'm finding it hard to talk to anyone right now. I'm finding it hard to pull myself together and make some important decisions and choices.

The sun is slowly setting and I'm laying by the pool as he gets ready for work. He'll leave in a few minutes and I can just lose myself in thought again. I will reassure him without words that I will be here when he gets home in the morning, he wont come to find me gone. He wont have to leave work early because he's too overwhelmed by my actions and rush home like he did last week to find me gone.

I have an admission to make.... I've been hearing the tick tock tick tock of my biological clock. Funny, it's something that embarrasses me to even admit. Friends are getting married and having children and I feel as though I'm getting left behind. It's not so much the marriage part that has me feeling this way, it's just certain motherly instincts that have surfaced lately. I've begun to question who my soul mate really is. For so long I've searched for a soulmate in the men I've been in relationships with and for some reason...by my fault, their fault, our fault, relationships seem to end and the realization sets in that I must start over again and push those desires to be a mother away. Maybe, it's the little boy who I daydream about holding my hand that is the soulmate that I long for. I know I could be a good mother. I have so much love to give. I could be a good mother, im sure of it. I could do it on my own.

The bottle of wine is fini, the sun has now set and the smell of rain is in the air. It's time to put to rest the thoughts that trouble me for now.

Something Always Brings Me Back To You

2009-07-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

I ran away. I packed my suitcases, changed my cell number, got in my car and drove away. I left him with no explanation. I left with no words. I left for no reason other than sometimes I don't know where I belong. For four days I was missing amongst the lost. I left because I cant give my whole self, my complete self. Parts of me still float in the memories of yesterday.

He loves me. Had I wanted to he would have married me 4th of July weekend. That had been the plan. Sedona. A little ceremony performed by a Shaman against the beautiful red rocks. He loves me. But Sedona belongs to the past. Sedona breaks my heart.

He loves me. He daydreams about our son on my hip as I walk into a room. If I told him I was pregnant he would jump up and down with joy. My wife and my son. He would be ecstatic. And I walked out. Over something stupid. I looked for a reason to. Any reason to leave. I had been waiting for a reason to leave.

For the first time he was angry. How could I just walk away from us. Will I walk out when we're married. Will I disappear again. Will I run when things get hard.

No one knows why I ran but me. No one knows how I continuously fall back into another gravity. I asked a question into the sky the night I left. Home? One simple word asking the world. Are you my home? Silence.

I went back last night. Back to safety. Back to his arms. Back to the dreams we share. Back to the love he has wrapped around me. Leaving the past behind me again, if only for a little while.

And then, unexpectedly, as fate would have it, the answer came just as I walked in the door....but it was too late. I had already found my way home.

Paint The Two Of Us On A Canvas In Chains

2009-06-29T01:50:00.000-07:00

Love taken away came back with a thunderous roar with reminders of touching memories, love songs and dreams of a life that once was deeply desired. Confusion, disbelief and even anger clouded my mind and soul. I pushed the past and the present away and for a moment wanted nothing to do with what was once there and what existed now. Promises were made and just as easily broken... and just as quickly as the storm came, it passed, and I was left with the remembered sadness of months passed. The ache I had fought so hard to conquer came back with force and I felt defeated again. I was again an island of melancholia in a sea of sorrow. The dust eventually settled and I understood that what lingers there still, beneath the surface must be accepted. It is up to time to decide if like a tattoo it is there for a lifetime, or if it will fade and only the outline will remain.

In the wake of the storm I discovered that love didn't leave my side for a moment. Love was still standing there, reaching out to me, calling me to him. I am lucky I know...to have someone that loves me and stands beside me even when I tell him that past battles have left me wounded and that I don't know if I will ever truly be healed. I am lucky that he is stubborn, insisting that his heart will prove me wrong.

There are days when forgetting is a struggle. There are days when a song, a tv show, a smell, a memory will send me to a place I thought I had turned away from and forgotten. Sometimes I wish I could just forget it all. Oh, to erase the painful memories as Clementine did in The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind! How easy life would be then. How painless. I suppose all I can do is remember the good, learn from the bad and be grateful for the path that led me to where I am now.

Singing My Way Away From Blue

2009-04-17T01:17:00.000-07:00

After a week of limited interaction with my significant other due to his having to attend work related training that has him up and out of the house before dawn and back home extremely exhausted and in bed by 8pm I have come to truly believe that absence does make the heart grow fonder. This is my first experience with "missing" him and I will admit I hate it. Time together has become a luxury and I am looking forward to this weekend as we will be in our little bubble of love and passion again. I feel as though I have won the cosmic jackpot having been found by this man who makes me happier than I've been in a long, long time.

i am in the most exquisite distress
astride you now
sweating
feeling an impetuous volcano
strain at its peak
inside
wanting to explode
my sweetest self
all over you.

The Sweetest Story Line

2009-02-26T13:54:00.000-08:00

It's been nearly impossible to get anything done lately. I have been in a constant state of romantic sensual bliss. I can't concentrate at work. I sit here in my office and day dream all day long. I'm distracted doing the simplest things. I've been happy and giddy and walking around with a silly school girl smile. It feels amazing to have someone tell you that you are everything they have always dreamed of. It's wondrous to have someone look at you with an expression of total and complete happiness and knowing it is you that has made them so happy. I listen to the things he says...they sound so familiar to me. He speaks of soul mates, fate, destiny. Everything feels so good right now that I get that panicky feeling inside, the one that says "this is too good to be true". And at those moments when fear gets inside my heart and I start to pull away, he asks me not to give up on us. I hear his voice and it soothes away the anxiety and the fear of allowing someone in again.

Sigh.
Off to day dream I go again.

Not the Quick Forget

2009-02-22T04:22:00.000-08:00

Driving at dusk. Windows down. Music playing. Happy. Suddenly, unexpectedly, a song starts to play loudly. Our song.

I thought I'd locked him up somewhere where he could not get to me anymore but in an instant I feel him around me as if he had never been gone. That ache that lingers somewhere deep inside comes to the surface and I have to fight back the tears. I will not cry. I will not. I had not allowed myself to think about him for more than a second, to miss him had not even been a question. But there he is, the words of the song bringing him to life again. Do I still love him, I ask myself. After all, three years is a long time and its only been a few months since we ended. If I don't love him anymore does that mean I didn't love him as much as I thought I did?
Why does it matter? Why do I care? It doesn't matter. I don't care.

My mood changes. Darkens. What is that I feel now? Fear. Today I run far away from love, and the possibility of love, and the thought of love, and the power of love. Today I push love away.

Love is dangerous. Love is a fickle little bitch. Love has such power.
.Love. Love. Love.
I don't trust you, Love!

I want to pick up the phone and call him...but I have nothing to say and I don't know how much power his voice still has over me and I cant take the risk. Tonight I will just let the past slip in to remind me to be careful this time around....not to believe so quickly....not to hand over my heart completely. Tonight I will just listen to the song we were going to dance to at our wedding and let it fall off me until all it is is a pretty melody with lovely words that I can lock up in my box of memories and not open again for a long, long time.

Object of Desire

2009-02-10T20:47:00.000-08:00

Who is this naked sex nymph I have become? This intoxicated sensual vixen? Touch me and you'll see...I'm on fire. What is happening to me? What has this man done to me? What is this tearing clothes off as we walk in the door relationship, this racing home from work to be thrown up against the wall relationship doing to me? He is like a drug to me. I must have him. He must have me.

Is lust the primary emotion in this new relationship? Oh yes, there is lust, but I have felt lust before and this is different....this is raw desire not just for everything sex, but for everything him.

How can I describe this man? Tall. Strong. Handsome. His body is, oh God, his body. Shaved Head. A Bad Ass on the right side of the law. Sexy...so damn Sexy! I have never been as physically attracted to anyone as I am to him. He is my boy toy fantasy come true.

Before you think that he is the rebound.... that this is the relationship that immediately follows heartbreak, he is not. There was someone else before him. Someone sweet, kind, funny, who gave me hope that there are still good men left in this world. Someone I made perfectly clear to that I was not ready for a relationship. I felt strongly about that. I did not want to belong to anyone. As great as he was I just did not feel that passion that is so important to me, that I refuse to live without. Before the ink even dried on the pages of my diary where I had listed the reasons I did not want a boyfriend....there he was.

He wants me to meet his parents. He wants me to meet his friends. He wants to take me on trips. I am his obsession. I am his addiction. I am his dream girl. He wants to take care of me. I have never had a man tell me he wants to take care of me. It was always I who wanted to take care of someone. This isn't just about lust.

What it is, what its going to be, I don't know. What I am sure of is that I have not felt this good in a long time...and I am enjoying every second of it.

Fire

2009-02-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

Rain falls hard as he lays me down on the bed. I am suspended in air, lost in a place no one has ever taken me before. In this moment of fire there is no past. There is only the sounds of my breathing, my heart beating against his.

His body is as beautiful as a sculpture of a Greek God, such elegant symmetry of form. My fingertips painting pictures across his etched stomach and the sharp line above his groin and hip....the iliac crest, my weakness.

Smell of lilacs floating in the air like a love song. Lips on my shoulder. My name like a sigh repeated over and over.

Raindrops hit the window pane, as we sway like branches in a storm. Back and forth.

He pulls me to him.
You’re all I see, he says.

I close my eyes to his gaze. He looks at me in a way no one has in a long time.

Floating away. Lost in clouds. I fall asleep to the sound of his whispered song in my ear...

She needs to feel that fire
The one that lets her know for sure
She's everything I want and more
A real desire

Does she know I'd walk alone out on the wire
To make her feel that fire
Feel that fire

Defending The Silver Lining

2009-01-30T16:55:00.000-08:00

Endings are always difficult. New beginnings exciting. That is what I am discovering. I have been thru a lot in the recent past. I have found myself asking the night sky why people do the hurtful things they do in the name of love. Having found no answers I am resolved to never find out. Communication with the ex has been minimal. I ask him to return my belongings but he holds on to them. He says seeing me would be torture. I ask him if he can please give me my beloved cat. He refuses. My feelings toward him are ones of numbness. His constant threats and demands had made me feel as though I was living in a pressure cooker. Funny, I feel sorry for the next woman in his life. I'm sure she will get the "I'm an honorable man, I'm a good man" line from him as I did. I hope she is smart enough to know that men who find the need to convince you of this thru words, won't back it up by actions. I did not realize this until it was too late.

Our last conversations were filled with anger and sadness. In one sentence telling me that all would be better if I just showed up to "our" home, that he would remove the ad he had on eharmony, he would call anyone he had gone out with and end things. That placing that ad had been punishment for not running to him when he wanted me there. It was me he wanted. My silence always setting him off in the rage that I had gotten accustomed to... and in this rage he said the words that I will forever remember.

"You want to know something?! Do you?! I am a good man!.... Last night she had my cock in her mouth!"

I sat there stunned. That statement he made was almost comedic had it not hurt so much. How he could put those two sentences together I will never know. But those words set me on the path that I am now on.

I told a friend of mine that I wasn't going to date for 90 days. Give myself a little break from having to worry about having someone else in my life, and instead focus on me. I was after all feeling jaded and angry and resentful. He, as all good friends do, defended the silver lining. Not allowing me to believe that love was not on my side. He said something to me that I will quote, I hope he doesn't mind.....

"There are over 5 billion people in the world, of those 5 billion people there are souls waiting to have someone like you in their life who will return and sacrifice more love than you could possibly imagine."

The thought that somewhere out there is the "soul" that is waiting for me to come along gave me hope once again. Two weeks ago I put my picture and ad up on Match. I was apprehensive. I was kind of scared. What type of men would I meet? I have received numerous responses to my profile. I could probably go out on a date every single night with a different man for the next three months. But I have never been a serial dater. I am still just the girl who wants to find that one person who gives me goose bumps and butterflies. The constant flow of messages, people saying they would like to "know me better" has been interesting to say the least. Out of all of the messages I have received there is one man that stands out. I think he's crushing on me. I think I'm crushing on him. Unfolding the layers of who he is is an adventure I am excited to go on. Where this all will go I do not know. The only thing I am sure of is that once again, I feel like the girl who dances with her heart on her sleeve, just as I always have....

just as I always will.

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-12-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

The clock struck the midnight hour and I popped the cork of the bottle of champagne I bought to celebrate my birthday with. Yes, it's my birthday today. "What do you want for your birthday?", I've been asked. What I want is for the sleepless nights and the ache in my heart from the pain he has caused me again to disappear . I want the doctor who told me that not only do I have a "mass" in my left breast but two nodules in my right breast that must be removed immediately to say she made a mistake. I want to not be so scared of the "C" word. But what I want I cant have. So, I'll just sit here, in the red cocktail dress that I bought today in an effort to feel good and look pretty, when all I feel like to do is climb back in bed. I will blow out the candles on my birthday cake knowing full well that not one wish will come true this year.

Amnesiac

2008-11-18T15:02:00.000-08:00

I wish I was floating on an azure sea, weightless. The tranquil waters soothing the thunderstorm inside of me. I wish someone would hold my hand, no words spoken, strength thru touch. I wish I didn't know what I know. Amnesiac. Words forgotten cannot hurt. I wish I was the woman I used to be. I am nothing, to no one. I wish I wasn't so alone, in an empty house, in a crowded room. I wish I had not believed in the protector, I was never protected. I was never safe.

I wish I could write. Unleash the words that bind me, keeping me locked in my prison.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

And They Lived Happily Ever After

2008-04-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

He loves me, he says. I'm his baby. Marrying me is such a wonderful thought, he says. Uses phrases like "rebuild our relationship". Empty words. This time it's different for me. Some sins you can't forget. Some sins you can't forgive. I wait for the explosion that will come out of nowhere. The rage, the screaming, the cursing. They always do. I know I will get burned again. I am prepared. This time I know that the world does not revolve around him. This time I know I won't die without him. My heart does not belong to him like it once did. I'm numb and yet at the same time I feel everything magnified by a thousand. I can't explain what I mean.

I almost slept with someone. Slept, how funny to say that when sleeping was the last thing that was going to happen. A revenge fuck? Trying to make it "even"? No. Nothing I can do will ever make it even. I wanted so much to just forget. The fallen hero stopped me. "Where are you? You re meeting someone aren't you? Tell me the truth..where are you and what are you doing there? Think of Baby Jason and Shelby!!" Using the names of the future children we had talked about having. Pulling out the big guns.

Did you think of them when you put an ad up on a fuck site??, I asked.
No.You did not.

He gave me his password to his email accounts as a way I suppose of proving his trustworthiness. See? It's all out in the open. There's nothing else. No other secrets. Stupid not to realize that I would actually look. Discovered he had also put an ad up on yahoo personals for two months last year. We were fighting, he says. Put an ad on Match.com as well. I guess we were fighting then to. Pulling back the layers of our relationship, discovering more lies, more deception.
Discovering that it wasn't real. None of it was real.
Let's not dwell on all that anymore, he says.
I love you, he says.
I laugh.
Is that me? I wonder. Is that bitter laugh coming from me??

Enter stage two. Anger. Not the kind that makes you scream and throw things, but that slow burn anger. Inside of you. Makes your chest feel tight. Try to swallow it down but it wont go away. Try to push it out of your mind, but there it is. It's made it's home in your soul.

Angry. So angry.

Somebody Said That Nothing Lasts Forever

2008-04-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

I have to make a list. A list of all the things I must do in order to keep busy. Every minute of my waking hours must be occupied. I wont think about him. I look in the mirror and face the woman I've become. My eyes red from crying. My heart in shreds. I look beyond that and see who I must become again.

A profile on a sex site is what I found last night. A superhero no more. How long did I look at it before I could call him. Unable to even speak. So quick to seek revenge for crimes he finds me guilty of. Always so quick to inflict the most severe of punishments. Confronted...defensive, sarcastic, "Whatever" he says.

What goes around comes back around, I tell myself.
I don't think he knows that.

I had a breast augmentation procedure several days ago. A new body and now a new life. I look at myself and think I look different. I don't mean in the obvious my breasts have gone from a C cup to DD's. I see anger. I see a girl who does not believe in the things she did just a year ago. I don't see the girl that believed in soul mates.

I see a woman who knows better.

For All These Things

2007-11-22T09:08:00.000-08:00

In years past when I asked myself what it was I was truly thankful for, I always thought of the usual things. I was thankful I had a good job with a pretty good salary, I was thankful that I had a good group of friends and I was especially thankful for love, given and received. With everything that has happened this year, what I am thankful for, feels so different than before. Today has been a hard day for me. I sat at my Fathers grave early this morning and cried and thought of all the things that I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful that this year is finally coming to an end as it has been a hard and painful one for me. I feel this year was about death and pain and loneliness and punishment. I learned when my maternal grandfather passed away at the beginning of the year, and just a few months later, my Father passing away, what sorrow really felt like, what it felt like to be alone. Losing two very important men in my life was devastating. I am thankful that I have a good man in my life, who although not perfect, has shown me how love can make everything better and that he is someone I can believe in. I can't wait to get on that plane this afternoon and surprise him at the end of his shift. For him I am thankful and just how much, I will show him.

This year I learned to accept that no matter how good a daughter I try to be to my Mother, I will never be good enough. She will always find a way to make me feel as though I am nothing. I can not understand why Mothers were given such a power over their daughters. Even today, Thanksgiving Day, when I tried to make our first year without my Dad a good one, she made me feel my efforts were worthless. Even when I held her hand and told her I would take her to the emergency room because she was feeling ill, and that everything would be okay, did she pull away from me and tell me I could never make it better for her. I am thankful that because of all she's done, and especially, all she hasn't done for me, I have become a strong person.

I am thankful to my Father, for having given me a substantial amount of money upon his death. I know that money is just money, and that it does not buy you happiness, but I think that his leaving it all to me was his way of telling me I don't ever have to take anyone's shit again. That I can walk away from any situation.

I am thankful for every day when I wake up and the first words I hear are "I love you". Those three words have melted my heart and shown me that I can believe again. I am thankful for promises to a beautiful life, so soon to come. I am thankful for laughter, for all the simple pleasures that bring me joy.

I am thankful for friends, some of whom I've never met, who always have caring, supportive words to offer me. They have no idea how much those words mean to me. I am thankful for the people who stand beside me and get mad with me, and for me, and help me fight all the demons, real or imagined.

I am thankful that I continue to be who I am. No matter who tries to purposely hurt me. I am thankful that although some hurts I can never forget, I can forgive those who felt it necessary to show me the dark side of their love. I am thankful that I can still love freely and that I have not turned into a bitter person, unable to give love, to be generous, to be hopeful. I am thankful that under no circumstances, no vengeful acts thrown my way, no one can take those qualities away from me. I am thankful that I still believe that love does conquer all, that my love of family, past, present and future will never fade, and I am thankful that the hope that is deep in my heart, my soul, continues to remind me that the day will come when I will find the happiness, the family, the life that I've always wanted.

For all these things I am thankful.

The Purity In Dreaming

2007-10-29T16:44:00.000-07:00

I've written my letter to Santa. Kind of early I know, but its been written and sent. The list is long and it's not the usual "I want peace on earth" as it's been other years. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still wish for what is truly the unattainable gift. This years list just happens to be a little selfish, a little "all about me". It consists of 101 different things I've been drooling over to furnish the new house, which by the way, is well on its way to being done. Hopefully all construction on it will be complete right before my birthday.

"What do you want for your Birthday?" He asks.
"To make that house a home." I say.

Is it wrong that I still sometimes allow myself to dream that silly dream. The one where I end up having my happily ever after. The dream where all wrongs are forgotten and love is beautiful. I still dream that all this wanting in my heart for love that wont go away, for finally finding my place, my home, isn't too much for me to ask for. I think I've been a good enough girl. I think I deserve it. I truly hope I do.