The Psycho Ex-Wife

Itemizing Home Contents for Pending Move

2008-07-18T06:11:00.002-04:00

Now don't be confused! After the events of this week falling under the label "2008" - I'm heading back in time again to the 2004 events. This was PEW's itemized list of things that she wanted from the marital household. Most of this is mundane, but other parts are worthy of some fun commentary.

March 22, 2004

Here is the list of the items inside the house that I would like to have:

kitchen

Kitchen table and chairs
New pots and pans (my mom gave me for Christmas)
Roasting pan (also a gift from my mom)
Mixer
Toaster oven
George Foreman grill
½ of the glasses, coffee cups, flatware, etc….
refrigerator (possibly)

Keeping in mind that she's moving into an apartment, I had to laugh at things like "the refrigerator." Her list of major fixtures wouldn't end there. Also notice the "gifts from" family list. Not unreasonable at all, but interesting considering the other items she suggests she "left" for me.

dining room

a few of the crystal serving trays
table linens
my mother's china
my collectables

No problem. Pay particular attention to "my collectibles."

living room

the palm tree
lamps
desk and chair

That's flat out cold! No place left to sit... no plastic flora and fauna... and completely in the dark!

master bedroom

the bedroom set including the mattress
my dolls
mother and baby statue
little tv and vcr

DW would tell you today that she would have been happier if I had let that go! It was one of those bridge & tower bedroom sets with the large mirrored headboard (lighted) by Thomasville. (It's currently used for storage in our garage. She hates it.) It was roughly a $5,000 bedroom set that I got at an auction for $35! Yes, I really did. I suppose no one else at the auction was prepared to move that monstrosity.

More of her "my" stuff (collectible dolls). Not a big deal... yet. In addition to the bedroom television and VCR, she would ask for the family room television and stereo, effectively leaving me with no home entertainment whatsoever. No sense of entitlement there... and quite the sense of fairness, but of course, I OWED HER - given the alleged hell I put her through.

kids room

toddler bed
dresser
fish tank
futon

Leaving a single bed and nothing else for the kids. Nice. At the time, they would be with me more than 50% of the time.

spare room

quilt rack

Whatever!

family room

ladder back chair
lamps
stereo system or TV (one or the other)

The stereo system was mine before we got together. The television I had paid for with the proceeds from a contest I won. And of course, she's taking all of the lighting again!

laundry room

the washer or the dryer

What?!?! One or the other? Why not both or neither. I never did understand that considering that few apartments (in her price range on her earnings) would having anything less than laundry facilities on-site or a set in the unit itself.

garage

a lawn mower (possibly, depending on need)
my bike
½ of the camping stuff
a trash can

Again - bizarre. The camping stuff? She never went camping nor had a desire to do so. Aside from that, all of the camping gear was given to me by my father!

backyard

brown sand box
grill
patio chairs

Where was she going to put a sandbox, patio chairs, and the monstrosity that was our grill at the time?

Miscellaneous

½ of the kids toys including any toys in the garage and attic
½ of the Christmas decorations and other misc holiday decorations
½ of the remaining antique light bulbs or dollar value
½ of the fan collection or dollar value
½ of the Hess trucks or dollar value
½ of the board games
9mm handgun
½ of any other collections that are in the house
digital camera
old camcorder
½ the DVD's and movies
the computer my parents gave me for the kids

While having plenty of things on her list of "wants" that were either gifts to me from my family or owned before she was ever a part of my life, you'll notice how she specifies what are her collectibles or given to her by her family.

Things that were "my" collectibles that she would want half of or half the "dollar value" included the items I've already cited and... the Hess trucks... the collectible antique bulbs and fans... the antique board games... any of the guns (which I owned prior to our getting together)... Christmas decorations (in part)... but that's not the end of the fun and monotony. She'll list the things she's left for me...

This leaves you with the following:

Kitchen

Copper stuff hanging on the walls
Dishwasher
New microwave
Dishes
½ the flatware, glasses, coffee cups
coffee maker

The dishwasher and microwave were mounted fixtures which couldn't be removed anyway. She is "leaving" those things for me. Thank goodness she was leaving me the $20 coffee maker. I'm surprised she didn't ask me for a 10-spot "half value."

The "copper stuff hanging on the walls" were used as decorative items. They were only old, rusty, tarnished baking molds.

Who the hell still says "flatware" anyway?

dining room

dining room set
your mom's china
your grandmom's stuff
½ the serving trays

Lucky me... she is "leaving me" the dining room set which I had owned well before we got together, my mom's china, my dead grandmother's knick-knacks, and half of the plastic bullshit serving trays.

What the hell do I need with serving trays anyway?

living room

sectional
table

FINALLY! Someplace to sit!

spare room

bedroom set

The bedroom "set." Which consisted of a queen sized bed, mattress, box-spring... and nothing else. That's not a "set" - it's a frigging bed.

kids room

lamp
S1's bed
Little table

Cool. Maybe the boys can sleep on top of one another when they're here.

Master bedroom

Filing cabinet (less my stuff that is in it)

How can you not laugh at this? A cheap-ass sheet-metal filing cabinet (2-drawer) that I think I bought at Bradlee's when I was 16 years old. That's it!

Office

Computer
Printer
Snack tables
Lamps
Paper shredder
Desk
Sofa and chairs
TV, DVD combo

Computer - mine since before marriage, printer - a toss-away from work, snack tables (who cares), a small $10 desk lamp, a country style wooden love seat and chair I got at a garage sale... and I made a mistake earlier - she would leave me the 9" television. (No, she wouldn't - she took that, too.)

Family room

Sofa and love seat
Tables
Bar
Tv or stereo system
DVD player and VCR

The sofa and love seat had holes in it from the dog and the antique dry-bar I was storing for my mother. Gee, thanks!

Garage:

Your bike
A lawn mower
Tools
Trash can
Other stuff

A trash can, my bicycle, and my tools. You can't get any more fair-minded than that.

Misc
½ of the kids toys including any toys in the garage and attic
½ of the Christmas decorations and other misc holiday decorations
½ of the remaining antique light bulbs
½ of the fan collection
½ of the Hess trucks
½ of the board games
your other 2 guns
½ of any other collections that are in the house
your cameras
new camcorder
½ the DVD's and movies
humidor and cigar collection

Notice, I don't get to keep half of her collectibles, but I get to keep half of mine. She likes to puff up her list of things she's leaving me but listing "other stuff" and "any other collections that are in the house" - as if there were anything else. It just gave her the appearance of equal line-items. I was pissed that there were such other valuables like: "things, more stuff, junk, whatever is left in the trash cans, food, water."

Humidor and cigar collection? With few exceptions, they were gifts given to me. That would be like me putting on her list...

- Your cigarettes.
- Half of your shoes and "collectible" clothing.
- Some toilet paper.
- Your eyeglasses and contacts.
- Your tampon collection.

I failed to notice the glaring omissions from the list where she would leave me with all of her rages, conflict, chaos, terror, horrible emails and phone calls...

Making this entire exercise more odd was that at this point in time, she didn't even know where she was going to be living, yet, she was preparing a rather significant list of stuff that she was going to be taking to what one would reasonably anticipate to be a 2-bedroom apartment. Maybe she would just give it away or sell it, I don't know. The bottom line is this - when she would move out in May of 2004, she would take almost nothing. Why? She would buy almost everything completely new for the apartment and do so on credit and, I've surmised, the promise of a windfall by her then-attorney. New bedroom SETS for her and the children. New dining room set. New living room set. New television. New kitchen set. All of those things she has claimed never to have been able to obtain (despite the list you see above). Ironically enough... on the heels of the news that her current home is going to be foreclosed on, this is the beginning of the reality that she will never see - it's nobody's fault but hers.

Home Foreclosure

2008-07-16T05:21:00.008-04:00

I finally got the follow-up information via email yesterday morning. Care to guess as to whether or not she accepts responsibility for her predicament? Care to guess whether or not she blames herself and her actions? Care to guess if she expresses concerns for the children or makes overtures about pursuing me for more money?

LM,

Here is what I was talking about last night. I got a forclosure notice. I knew it would happen eventually because of all of the thousands and thousands I spent on custody, which ultimately I had to take out a 2nd mortgage to pay the attorney. Obviously I'm a little distraught which is why I was reaching out to you.

I realize you really don't care, however it brings me to another subject. Are you planning on remaining up here in [work state] for next school year? I don't really need anymore suprises, you know? I'm also thinking in October we should revisit the support, I did put $2400 back in your pocket this year and I really don't know why I did that. I need to do whatever I can to keep the house and keep the boys in their school where they are very happy.

So that's it, I realize you're not going to help me, but please understand why I feel I need to re-file for support in October. $200 a month will help.

By the way, did you make a dentist appt?

~PEW

The variety and level of emotions I feel right now on this issue have me almost dizzy. I'm pissed. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. I'm frustrated. All of them and more... for a variety of reasons.

Family Court System Rant

Notice that the first order of business for her is to come after the father for more money. More money that she feels entitled to and due to the fact that her irresponsible spending and budgeting (or lack thereof), for which she is notorious, needs to become my problem even though we're long divorced.

The system will entertain that effort and I will have to defend against it, mostly because we're digging out of our own hole and we are on a razor-thin budget, primarily due to all of the prior years' litigation, combined with my 2007 unemployment, followed by the need to maintain 2 households in 2 states just so that I could have a job, but most importantly, shared custody of the children.

Any adjustment in child support upward jeopardizes my ability to maintain the place in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to keep my job in my work state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to make sure we don't end up losing our home in the primary home state, which in turn jeopardizes my ability to maintain shared custody of the boys.

None of that will have the slightest impact on her, even if I were to choose to point out these stark realities to her. She'll take everyone down with her, including the children, because she feels that is what she's owed.

Why I have to pay child support at all given that we both make good wages is inexcusable and a testament to the greed of the state. We (under normal circumstances, obviously) both make a good enough wage to support these children 50% of the time on our own. In fact, it's good enough to support these two children 100% of the time on our own and yet... simply because I make more than she does, I have to PAY! Go on, tell me it's about the needs and best interests of the children and not a simple transfer of wealth so that the state's can benefit from their federal incentives.

PEW Rant

- She is in the predicament she is in because she can't control her spending. $200/month additional will not help. It probably won't even prolong the inevitable.

- She is in the predicament she is in because she chose to litigate custody and the property settlement. I need not remind the regular readers that had she accepted the "best offer" I could manage in 2004, she would have probably close to 6-figures worth of total retirement investment and would not have spent high 5-figures (perhaps low 6-figures) in legal expenses to end up with little more than my best offer (in settlement) and the shared custody that I had sought originally, and now have after exhausting more than our available resources to come to that very same conclusion.

- She is in that position because she takes vacations, gets her hair and nails done, purchased all new furniture... ALL new furniture when she moved out and did so on credit expecting the windfall her attorney promised and never delivered to pay for it.

- She is in that position because she buys these kids something, anything, every single time they go out somewhere... food shopping, clothes shopping, errand running, whatever - they come home with a toy or more than one toy or some other inconsequential knick-knack, because that's what she does - buys their love and adoration.

- She is in that position because she added the additional expenses and responsibility of a dog, birds, hermit crabs, lizards, and countless other poor, unfortunate creatures over the last 4-years.

- She is in that position because she needs a new car every couple of years... her latest, a lease with ridiculously low mileage allowance that will probably cost her money when it's time to turn it in, which is soon. And has cost her every year for going over the mileage allocation, of course that was our fault too.

- She can't even begin to consider the negative implications of another move on the children. Worse, my reasons for wanting to keep the children in the marital household were summarily dismissed as inconsequential and yet... she is using the exact some reasoning to justify what appears to be future litigation... "I need to do whatever I can to keep those kids in the school where they are very happy." Interesting how their happiness with school, friends, neighbors, family, and home made no difference to her back in 2004/2005. Her efforts also include allowing her sick, unstable, alcoholic sister to move back in with her. This will be her/their FOURTH home involving mom since 2004. (We have maintained our home in our home state and as previously explained, have an additional place I needed to get in order to have a job.)

- She's squandered more than $40,000 worth of tax-free child support on top of making a wage that is well-above the national average salary in the United States... and now whatever else she is collecting from psycho-sil as rent.

- She had no business buying that house in the first place. Given that her credit is probably tanked given that things have gotten to this point in the first place, I can't even begin to guess where she is going to move with the children when the ax falls.

- She claims to have given me back $2,400 this year, conveniently wiping from her memory; the fraudulent theft of funds by inflating the amount of childcare expenses she had over the course of 2-years before finally being found in contempt... me forgiving credits due me to the tune of about $5,000 total in 2005 and 2006 to avoid litigation that would have probably cost me the amount I was trying to get back... caving-in on the property settlement instead of fighting for my "pre-marital equity" off of the top to the tune of $24,000. She thinks that because we settled on $400/month in CS (despite her very good earnings) with 50/50 custody she gave me something back. Fact is, we arrived at that figure because I was prepared to go to a hearing for a "special exception" which had already been previously granted to me. Had I pushed for it, CS would have been approximately $100/month. However, had it not been granted, it would have been approximately $600/month. I could put on my "PEW Cap" and tell her that I've actually given her $3,600 more than she was legally entitled to this year.

(From the mind of DW: Besides all the things LM has said, what amazes me still is that she reasonably believes the he SHOULD and WOULD help her, if only I weren't in the picture.

She lives in a dream world where a man she left, took all his money, took his kids, made him sell the house, called the cops on him, told people he is an alcoholic, gay, wife abuser, filed false child abuse charges against, would just up and pay all of her bills. Forever. Just because. If any judge in the world cannot see that she is psycho, they should be thrown off the bench.

Here she is, years into it, and she "knew" she would be foreclosed on at some point, and she has done NOTHING to stop it. She was on vacation for 10 days last week - we haven't had a vacation in 3-years. She has her nails done weekly, hair done monthly, while I have literally never had my nails done, and have had 1 professional hair cut in the last 4-years. Ah yes, but the fact that we (LM) fought for custody, that is the reason she is in debt, because she didn't want her children to ever see their father. For that, we should pay her bills, and of course I'm the only one standing in her way. Fucking psycho.)

What to do... What to do?

- File for primary custody to settle down this "annual move tradition" that PEW has established? The neighboring school district, the one in which I live, is outstanding and the brand new elementary school is about 1-mile from the "work-state home." My gut tells me that I could try that but it is still a long shot, being a father and all. Filing now crossed my mind except that it would be unlikely to be settled in time for the school year.

- Prepare now to justify keeping the CS level where it is... because of the potential consequences of any modification upward? DEFINITELY. Of course, I will again argue for the deviation due to special circumstances and maybe get that downward modification.

The financial and personal sacrifices we've made (that is... DW and I) just to get to 50/50 are substantial. It really wrankles my ass that she has made essentially NONE and continues to provide for the boys a life of upheaval, choas, and disarray - and there is very likely nothing I can do to change it.

Attention-Seeking Behavior (Trouble is Brewing)

2008-07-15T05:00:00.005-04:00

I'm sure any number of people, readers or otherwise, have experienced "attention-seeking behavior" from their psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband or psycho ex-partner... relative, friend... etc.

Last night came a prime example of just such behavior. It came in the form of a series of rapid-fire text messages, none of which I responded to, despite the overwhelming sense of curiosity.

PEW Text Message 8:48PM - I could surely use ur help now.

PEW Text Message 8:52PM - Im in trouble.

PEW Text Message 8:55PM - I need ur help.

PEW Text Message 8:58PM - U cant help me because of DW can u?

PEW Text Message 9:02PM - Its ok, i understand.

PEW Text Message 9:06PM - Im sure u will both have a good laugh about how fucked i am.

PEW Text Message 9:14PM - Enjoy.

Attention-seeking behavior. Now, I can barely begin to speculate as to what the nature of this problem is. All I know is that if it were as serious as she would like to make it sound - she would have communicated what it was. She didn't. Therefore, this reeks of simply wanting my attention.

Does this sound a bit on the narcissistic side? Sure it does. It's not. You're seeking the help of the person who allegedly "destroyed" your life. The person who allegedly abused you, mentally, physically, emotionally in systematic fashion. The person who made your life hell.

All I can tell you is that if I were in serious trouble and was seeking the assistance of anyone, let alone life's mortal enemy - I would say, Holy crap, I'm in trouble - [THIS] happened! Call me as soon as you can!

Each of those text messages can be translated to: Call me. I need your attention. My not telling you what the issue is while delivering the news in typically Drama-Queen fashion should ensure you contact me.

Sorry. Didn't work.

Now, I have no idea what the possible problem is. I've speculated that she has been fired from her job... in which case, she's very likely in a world of trouble (financially). This, despite being told by the boys that PP, the diagnosed bipolar alcoholic ex sister-in-law, has moved into the house with them... again.

As much as I would like to know right now what this alleged serious trouble is - I am not going to call, text, or email her. I will find out eventually. Whatever it is, I'm fairly certain that it will affect me & DW and even more likely - the children - in some way that will negatively impact our lives.

All I really care about at this very moment is - whatever the trouble may be - the children are with me until Sunday.

Stay tuned...

I Didn't Put Up With You for 10-Years to Walk Away with $20K!

2008-07-14T05:42:00.002-04:00

I was going to pay some sort of penalty or restitution! Still, she'll mirror my language and accuse me of having a "sense of entitlement" that is "baffling."

It's April 29th, 2004 and in the span of a mere 3-weeks, we discover why you can't negotiate with someone with a high-conflict mindset, particularly someone having or is reasonably suspected of having borderline personality disorder.

From my offer of $25,000 which was rejected... To her demand of $30,000 which I agreed to and then she changed her mind.... To her demand of $35,000 which I agreed to and then she changed her mind... To her demand of $40,000 which I couldn't agree to because I couldn't make that much cash available to her. Eventually, I would offer her a full QDRO transfer of my entire main 401K (approximately $47,000) to keep the marital home, but she would reject that, too, because she was hell-bent on buying a home of her own as fast as she could.

You cannot negotiate with a BPD, especially with a negative-advocate attorney making promises that she simply would not be able to keep.

PEW: you fed the dog, right?
LM: yup
PEW: thanks. [My lawyer] should be sending a response today or tomorrow to [your lawyer] on the offer
LM: ok. Any insight? Or just a flat, thanks but no thanks?
PEW: well....it's going to say that $40k plus the van is the minimum......if we have to litigate, i'll be asking for more....and I'll be having the house re-appraised because I believe the prices of houses in the neighborhood have increased over the past two months....

Yes, the "minimum." More than half of the estimated proceeds of the home. The more valuable of the 2 vehicles. "Minimum." Which means that no matter what I offered next, had I been stupid enough to do it a fifth time - wouldn't have been enough. The never-agreeing BPD. The constantly moving target.

LM: Ok.
PEW: and no counter offer will be considered
LM: Very good.
PEW: and [my lawyer] thinks $40k is too little for me to be asking for
LM: Good for [your lawyer]. As long as the meter is running... that doesn't surprise me at all.
PEW: but I told her, I'm trying to keep it as amicable as possible
LM: I hope you think it's worth it.
PEW: i hope you think it's worth it......i'm really starting to get very bitter about the whole thing

STARTING?!?! Starting to get bitter about the whole thing? It would appear from her clear and convincing words over the course of the last 8-years (at this point in time) - that she's never been "unbitter" about much of anything.

AMICABLE?!?! lol... If this was amicable, I'd hate to see what was completely maniacal about the whole thing.

LM: It ain't my fault. [Your lawyer] has you believing that you are legally entitled to some windfall.
PEW: no...I believe I am entitled to 50% of the equity in this house.....
LM: You have to listen to her advice.
PEW: 50% of your profits in the 401k since the marriage..... and 50% of everything else

Right. Got it. Notice the language... "your." Notice the language... "entitled." None of what limited assets she had counted. Only "your" 401K. Only "your" pre-marital equity in the home to which she contributed almost nothing at all towards mortgage payments, repairs, or other upkeep.

LM: The offer includes all that.
PEW: no.....it doesn't
LM: It's 50% of the TOTAL of BOTH 401 Ks. But hey... don't listen to me. Listen to [your lawyer]. And we'll go to court and abide by their judgement.
PEW: exactly. and you'll wind up having to sell the house....which is what you should have done in the first place....
LM: We'll see.
PEW: but hey...we wouldn't be getting a divorce if you weren't so pig headed, we will see LM.
LM: Pig headed? About what?
PEW: about this house....what it's worth...what I'm entitled to...what you're entitled to. it's unbelieveable
LM: The appraisal is what it is.
PEW: this house would sell now...for about $280k. was what it was

We'd been in the house for less than 3-years at that point. We owed approximately $187,000. As I recall, the April appraisal came it at about $257,000. Pre-sale equity of about $70,000. (It appraised higher than I expected after only 2-1/2+ years... $60,000 more than the purchase price. She was cashing out at the perfect time.)

Still, she is in denial. Despite the appraisal, she still insisted that a much higher number was what it would sell for and somehow expected that she would walk into court, sans settlement, and be able to convince a judge that she was entitled to more.

LM: YOU act like I'm making up numbers.
PEW: i think I can get it reappraised for much higher
LM: Do you read any finance pages? You gonna keep getting it reappraised until someone tells you a number you want to hear?

She would do that, too... later and on her own dime. The house would appraise in October of 2004 for an additional $18,000 ($285,000) and give her the leverage she would need (in my head) to force me to abandon my attempt to keep things as close to "as they were" for the children and I as I could. Logistical convenience for all of us be damned. Maintaining some continuity for the children be damned. She wanted her money and I would put myself into a big hole trying to maintain the home completely on my own while paying child-support and temporary alimony.

I only wish my attorney had told me to give it up, go to equitable distribution, and take your chances with a judge (that were probably really good). The beauty of hindsight...

PEW: if we go to court.....i'm arguing for 70%
LM: You can argue for 100%... There is NO case law that will justify such a judgement in your favor.
PEW: we'll see.....I have a REAL lawyer....you don't
LM: ok
PEW: most people would take out a home equity loan.....or sell the house if need be......not you. why you need to keep this house is beyond me
LM: I've explained it to you countless times.
PEW: your sense of entitlement baffles the senses
LM: It's not entitlement. lol. If I have to move someplace distant... The kids have to go into daycare. Is that what you want? The location of the school.
PEW: so it's ok for the kids to live in an apartment when their with me.....because their dad refuses to give me half of my money so I can buy another house
LM: The flexibility of my schedule.
PEW: HA
LM: I offered you what is reasonably expected to get from the sale of the house. And if you think a court is going to say... that we agreed to have it appraised but you don't like the number... so you can shop for another appraiser two months later...
PEW: I like the #
LM: ...I think you're sadly mistaken.
PEW: but prices have gone up. look around. sharply
LM: You look around.
PEW: i have
LM: Not in two months, PEW.
PEW: yes in two months
LM: lol
PEW: do you read the real estate section
LM: I'm not going to argue with your financial information, PEW. You keep paying your attorney for her magical math... And we'll figure it all out in court.
PEW: listen I didn't put up with you for 10 years to walk away with $20k. nope

Will one of my readers let me know when you can identify a time in (m)any of these discussions where she actually focuses on what would be most beneficial to the kids? Thanks in advance.

I think she really had it in her head that my keeping the house would someone mean that I "won" and she "lost." Clearly, she wasn't going to have any of that.

LM: ok I told you before, I understand your position. You gotta do what you gotta do.
PEW: and you're gonna feel like an ass when you get in front of a judge. a big ass
LM: No I won't. We've been married 7-1/2 years, PEW. Not 30
PEW: I am totally confident...that my lawyer....who actually works divorces every day....
LM: You do that. This is the same lawyer who first told you $1200 a month. And reality is just under $900 a month.
PEW: if I had full custoday. custody
LM: The same one who said that the van was worth $8000
PEW: that was full custody. i said that ...not her. i gave her that figure and told her to work with it
LM: ok
PEW: she told me $13,000

...and yet, she never wavered in her belief that the numbers her attorney was telling her were achievable. Even with a glaring error like this, which I would easily refute with appraisals (cars, home, collectibles, if necessary) - and my constantly telling her that her attorney was making promises that weren't going to be kept... even when she would correct an error like the above to make the disparity worse - she was all over "70%."

LM: Is that all for now?
PEW: no.....are you ever going to buy any groceries or are the kids going to starve when they are with you. they both need sneakers too
LM: I will when it becomes my responsibility. When you move out.
PEW: are you ever going to clean
LM: Yep... when you move out and stop making a friggin' mess of the place.
PEW: and.....as long as I still am on the mortgage.....I will be making sure you're keeping things up around here
LM: Oh, I can arrange to change that.
PEW: i don't make a mess. you can try
LM: Another in a long line of IM ambushes. Thanks.
PEW: ambush?
LM: You're clearly agitated and on the attack again. And I've really run out of time for this with you.
PEW: you would be agitated too if you were me. i'm moving into a little apartment with my kids.....
LM: Your choice. Not mine.
PEW: and you....are keeping our 4 bedroom home for yourself.... and the 3 whole days you'll have them. what is my choice?

Even today I'm not sure if that "3-whole days you'll have them" was a tip-off that she would move to go for custody of the children, but if it was - I missed it.

LM: Divorce.
PEW: getting on with my life?
LM: Moving out. Yep. You set the wheels in motion, and then blame me. Convenient.
PEW: we wouldn't need a divorce if you ever treated me decently
LM: Yeah, I've heard it all before. Save it.
PEW: i had to get a divorce to get new furniture. and paint however I want
LM: No, you had to agree to budgeting and savings... and instead, ran up thousands in CC debt..> AGAIN.
PEW: sure wouldve been nice if you let me get some new furniture.....would have saved yourself $40k. actually more than that
LM: So now you're getting a divorce for furniture? You know how ridiculous that sounds?
PEW: maybe you should have taken me out to dinner every once in a while
LM: I did.
PEW: let me get my nails done. given me some money
LM: At least once/month until you wigged out on in January.
PEW: no......you didn't
LM: Yes, I did.
PEW: i wish you had spent all the time you spent on the computer with me.....instead.... then we wouldn't be getting a divorce
LM: Are you done?
PEW: no LM
LM: Okay... you keep typing... I'm gonna get back to work.
PEW: well, i guess i'm done.......but if you want to know why we're getting a divorce, think about your cheapness....the screaming in my face.....the time you spend on your "hobbies"......if you could've changed one of those things.....maybe this wouldn't be happening....but you couldn't. 10 years fighting over the same stuff.....didn't make one ioda of a difference in you. think about all the money you could have saved yourself. I hope you're more unselfish in your next relationship. i would hate to see the kids have to go through this again. also...what kind of loving husband....saves every arguement that we ever had......that's just sick. you wonder why I have been wanting this for a long time. you've been telling me for years that you save everything I say. the only reason I can't say it in person is that you'll scream in my face.

I can't begin to tell you how many times she did this same delusional rant during the course of this process. Over and over and over again.

As for thinking about all the money I could have saved myself... I have. Anytime I did, it would make my stomach lurch... and I'm not just talking about the costs of going through these divorce and custody battles... I'm talking the entire relationship. I went backwards the moment PEW came into my life and it's been a financial "downhill" ever since.

She Would Forego Alimony - How Gracious Of Her!

2008-07-10T06:12:00.005-04:00

My initial offer to her based upon the figures researched and provided by my attorney - was $25,000, split the retirements 50/50, and she could have the more expensive of the two vehicles. On March 25th, she floated $30,000. I told her I would do it, put it in writing. She didn't. On April 8th, the figure became $35,000. It would be tough to liquidate things and make that happen, but again, I told her I would do it, put it in writing. She didn't. Now it's April 23rd and the figure has become $40,000. I now had enough. The ever-moving target and part of why you can neither negotiate and, oftentimes, mediate with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I spoke about this in my post regarding formal, document court orders/agreements. Settling would mean giving up the intoxicating effects of being in conflict.

LM: Crap.
PEW: what
LM: I was just informed that the meeting has been moved to the Holiday Inn. So, I'll be even later.
PEW: when on the 30th
LM: "Plan to arrive at 7:30AM" Yeah, on the 30th
PEW: my new phone #will be [xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx]
LM: k. Don't forget... unless you're going to collect mail at the house... to go to the post office and put in for forwarding to the new address.
PEW: ok. also.....I don't know if it makes a difference...... but I was up all night thinking about your offer.......and I decided that the minimum I could take is $40k +vehicle......I'm sorry but that's what I need get myself situated
LM: ok
PEW: that's 15k more
LM: I understand.

Yes, the ever-moving target. The moment I would say "okay" to her next demand, she came up with something new. It only took me three times to realize that this was going to be a pattern and one that wouldn't be resolved until she forced the sale of the marital residence.

PEW: i know you had said let it go over the weekend, but I can save you attorney's fees for sending it over and my attorney's fees for reviewing it. if there's any big boxes laying around over there.....could you bring them home
LM: I'm sure I could snag a few.
PEW: ok, i'll talk to you later.....i'm gonna call a mover to see what it would cost me to move the bedroom set. bye
LM: Don't make a committment. Just get a price.
PEW: ok
LM: We could rent a truck.
PEW: i know but it's a second floor apt. what a pain in the ass it would be
LM: Quick thing.
PEW: yes?
LM: You do understand that even if we sold the house, we have no shot at having enough to split to $40K?
PEW: well.....I think we do.....some Realtors are doing 3% and 4% total right now. it's very competitive out there. and houses in this neighborhood are pretty hot
LM: ok
PEW: in fact [neighbor] might know someone. we would easily have $80 to split. at $40......I would forgo alimony. which would be about $8k when all is said and done. you think about LM.

Yes, not only did she have all of the (wrong) answers, she was generous, too! She would "forego alimony." Lucky me! Nevermind that she wasn't entitled to alimony. Just her mere belief that she was made it so. It wasn't. It never was. She was simply not going to get alimony but for her own delusions possibly bolstered by the empty promises of her then-attorney.

On the matter of the real estate agents, she was only partially correct. Ours would only charge us 3%. However, most buyers came with an agent who would also demand 3%.

LM: I can't do $40. That's the bottom line. I have no shot.
PEW: ok.....I can't do $25k, so now what?
LM: No idea.
PEW: if we sold.....you could easily buy yourself something smaller.....what do you need this big house for.....and the big property. i don't understand. S1 is going to be going to school in [my town]. Home to them is where we are. i'm sorry but I honestly think if we went in front of a judge she would think that is a fair #
LM: I suppose that's what we'll have to do then. I don't have a choice.
PEW: very fair....but if gets all the way to that point i'm going to ask for more
LM: I understand.
PEW: you do have a choice....sell the house....you're being ridiculous
LM: Actually, I'm not. If the end result of selling the house is splitting what I've offered, why go thru the hassle? Not only will the attorney's costs go up... but we'd end up splitting anything that needs to be done to the house. Moving expenses. Drag it out until we get an offer and a settlement date.
PEW: moving expenses?
LM: Moving to wherever we live. You to the apartment... me to wherever. Then, the logistics of leaving at 2:30 gets all screwed up, because I don't know where I would be able to afford to live.
PEW: if we put this house up.....it would sell in two weeks
LM: I understand that.
PEW: did you see that eyesore on the corner of Something Rd.... sold in under two weeks.....for close to $300k

Sure, she was assuming that S1 would already be going to school where she was moving (he didn't) and she was flat-wrong about home being "wherever she was." The kids were very alarmed that they would be potentially losing the only home they ever knew and all that went with it.

Keep in mind, things were an "eyesore" in PEW's eyes. Never mind that the house she references was larger, had an in-home hot-tub room, and much more updated decor and appliances. Reality is - it was an "eyesore" because she had a figure in mind for our home that was not going to be defeated.

LM: Okay.
PEW: every other house in this neighborhood has sold in under two weeks
LM: Well, you've told me your decision. And I understand your position. There's nothing I can do to make $40K happen. So we'll end up stuck. Again.
PEW: unbelievable. there goes the good relationship too
LM: I'm not mad.
PEW: i am
LM: I said, I understand. That's fine. But you think if we sell, you're gonna get near 40. I think you're mistaken.
PEW: well there's only one way to find out
LM: Go to court.
PEW: i intend to......and you do realize....a judge could say $60k or $70k. I hope you're prepared for that
LM: I sure am.
PEW: Your lawyer isn't very sharp
LM: A judge is going to look at the assets and split them. Your lawyer is filling your head full of shit that she'll never be able to back up.
PEW: yeah......a judge is not going to say.....well after you pay commission....here's what's left
LM: Yes, he will.
PEW: they don't deduct commission
LM: Yes, they will. A judge will say...
PEW: we'll see LM......my lawyer is totally prepared
LM: If you sell the house and you end up splitting $50G. And he's already offered you $25G. And he can justify reasons for keeping the home. He won't compel me to sell. But you listen to your lawyer.
PEW: how could that be, when the house WILL sell for $270k-280k
LM: The more you do, the more you have to pay her.
PEW: that's fine
LM: Okay.
PEW: i believe that a judge will give me more than $40k. we'll see

She had every reason to believe a judge would just "give her more" just because. She is a woman in a family/divorce court system heavily biased in favor of mothers. It would stand to reason that she would go in there expecting that there was some likelihood that she could ask for the moon - and get it.

LM: I know, but you fail to take into consideration that the apron of the driveway needs replacement. We have cracked trim in the kitchen. A crack in the layer of the countertop.
PEW: so what
LM: The roof is going to need to be ripped and replaced.
PEW: not before selling it
LM: I understand that.
PEW: did you read the appraisal
LM: But these are things buyer's will consider. I did.
PEW: no...they won't
LM: Okay. No reason to discuss it to this level of detail. I'll call my lawyer and tell him that you're going to reject the offer outright.
PEW: exactly......
LM: The next move will be on you.
PEW: make sure you tell him what i'm asking for. send it anyway, so your lawyer can laugh at it too
LM: I gave it a shot based upon what I can do. That's fine.
PEW: you can do $40
LM: No, I can't.
PEW: all you have to do is take out a loan for $15k
LM: I can't afford that. PEW. Enough.
PEW: well fine then, you can't keep the house
LM: It won't work.
PEW: well then sell the house. simple
LM: As I said, I understand your position. I will let the court decide what is fair and equitable.
PEW: don't expect me to EVER have a civil relationship with you if you screw me on this house. never. goodbye
LM: I'm not "screwing you."

When did she ever believe I was expecting a civil relationship?

The reality was, on my salary, I could just afford to keep the family residence. I couldn't just "take out a loan" for $15,000, because it would put me over the debt-to-income ratio calculated to allow me a shot to refinance the home in just my name.

My last-ditch effort was to offer her a [i]transfer[/i] of my entire (main) retirement plan, which I recall to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $47,000. No taxes on me. No taxes on her. She wouldn't take that, even though it was fully $22,000 more than she was legitimately entitled when you factored-in the pre-marital equity I had in the home (according to the state's law). She wanted CASH and if I cashed that out, it wouldn't come anywhere close to her last demand. I'd pay over 20% of that figure in taxes alone, nevermind the early-withdrawel penalties.

She was hell-bent on trying to buy real estate and a full value transfer of the retirement wouldn't give her the cash she needed. She was always impulsive and impatient and this issue would be no different.

Another one of the big mistakes - not moving immediately to equitable distribution. I held out hope that something would change and went quickly through what little savings I had and into debt until I finally would cave-in later in the year and put the house up for sale.

What is Injunctive Relief?

2008-07-09T06:55:00.002-04:00

...because obviously, her attorney had already prepared a petition, had a hearing scheduled, and was prepared to make an appearance in court on the issue the Monday after this discussion, which took place on April 8, 2004.

On the heels of her hitting my collectible items as "rewards" for the children's acheivements - I removed them from the house. Everything. The value of these items wasn't anything outrageous, seriously. They mostly have some intrinisic, non-financial value to me, but were also items that I would be inclined to sell on eBay for a profit from time-to-time. I like to collect old toys, games, vehicles, but not outrageously so. These were announced targets for her and so I removed them from "liquidation."

As she believed these items to be worth far more than that were actually worth, she enjoined her attorney to file a motion. She wanted an injunction against me to preclude me from liquidating any assets prior to equitable distribution being completed. Ironically, she was the one doing the "liquidating," but reality never stops the PEW from being litigious.

The "fun" part of this discussion (not documented) was that due to all of the harranging over the alleged value of these items - for her own financial gain - I told her to apply a value to any items that she wanted included for consideration and she could keep those items and the dollar value she applied would come off of my side of the equation! That approach worked to stop future engagements of this sort.

PEW: listen....i gotta tell you something
LM: Hang on. Or tell me and I'll catch up
PEW: i was on a waiting list for an apartment in [locale], $700/month........and they called me back, I looked at it and it was very nice...... I put a deposit on it, and it will be ready May 1st. so I figured I'll go full time ASAP. i'd rather be going into a house, but obviously that's not happening any time soon and I have to get settled somewhere so I can register the boys for school. so, since it's an apartment that's going to change my list of things in the house that I would like to take
LM: k
PEW: for instance.....I can't take the grill or a refrigerator or washer or dryer. i'll find out when you can drop me from your insurance. health insurance. i guess we have to work out the car thing too, so we can work out that insurance issue? do you have any thoughts?

Yes, I do. Would you like the kitchen sink, all of the furniture, appliances, lighting, and everything else that is or isn't nailed down?

LM: Okay. I was doin' some stuff while you were typing. My thoughts are this... Just so you know... I'll start with Monday's hearing. It's a monumental waste of both our time and probably a good bit of your money. The reason is... I've read the petition. And you are well-aware of everything cited in that petition. I explained the money. I explained the Hess trucks and matchboxes. You know that the [other collectibles] never left the house. I have EVERYTHING to back up all of this information that you already know... only, you are going to pay your attorney for me to explain the same thing to the judge. If you want to follow-thru on that... fine. But rest assured that the guns issue will come up. As will the fact that I explained these issues to you before the petition was filed.
LM: That's #1. #2. Actually... back to #1. I don't know how much this is costing you... my guess is about $500. Assuming that's accurate... You're spending more money than the things that you're asking me to account for... an accounting that I've already done for you. Doesn't make sense... but again... the attorney has to use up the retainer somehow.
LM: Now... onto #2 Settlement. I reiterate that it gets done as fast as you want it done. Pick a vehicle. Pick a number. Pick the stuff in the house. Have your attorney file THAT, as it is the single most important thing on the table. And we can get it settled. We can get it settled fast. Those are my thoughts. If you want to go thru with Monday... feel free. But I think you should save your attorney's fees for something more meaningful.
PEW: let me catch up. the phone range. Monday is a petition for relief. it's so that your support starts now instead of when things are finalized. i'll call and verify that
LM: Call.
PEW: ok
LM: It's a petition to account for the things I've taken. Account for them and/or return them. And account for the alleged "theft" of funds from the joint accounts. It has nothing to do with support payments.
PEW: ok, i'll call
LM: And if you doubt me... I'll be glad to show you some things at lunch.

What a moron. Her and her attorney. I guess I can't entirely fault the attorney - the meter is running, if her client insists on filing an injunction for essentially meaningless items, why the hell not?

I should have just gone to the hearing. It wasn't that I was trying to "help" her as much as I was just trying to avoid wasting my time.

PEW: I told you what the # was $35k, +50% of the earnings in your 401k. and a car. and some of the stuff in the house. you just need to tell me if that's acceptable. i'll cancel monday if we can work it out. i don't need her to write up $35k, 50% of the earnings in the 401k and a car. you should know if it's acceptable or not, right off the top of your head
LM: Let me ask you... What makes you think you're entitled to half of my 401K?
PEW: well let me correct that...... 1/2 then less 1/2 of mine
LM: ok. Which car?
PEW: doesn't matter. either
LM: ok
PEW: i don't really have a preference
LM: So 1 car
PEW: ok
LM: The equitable difference between the retirements.
PEW: right

You'll notice her number has now moved from the earlier demand of $30,000 up to $35,000. This is something she will do every single time. Once we start talking about one benchmark, it is raised to another... be it financial, real estate, custody... she was always moving the target and so we would never settle until I just had to "give up."

LM: I agree to that. Which brings us to the tough part. The number on the house. You believe that number is $35K?
PEW: around there. but i'll be reasonalbe
LM: Okay... And you are aware that my understanding is that I believe differently, right?
PEW: yes
LM: So... Assuming we can obtain information from Domestic Relations regarding that information that your lawyer failed to explain to you properly... regarding what I allege is not part of marital property... (Domestic Relations ultimately makes that determination...) We can come to a more accurate number.
PEW: which is?
LM: I have no idea. I'll have to ask my lawyer to ask Domestic Relations...
PEW: what is Domestic Relations?
LM: Or however that works. Family Court. They have formulae for everything, apparently.
PEW: so, you are telling me that you don't have a round about figure in your head?
LM: No... because... the way I figured it is probably completely wrong. And there is no sense pissing you off with a number that may not even be remotely correct.
PEW: ok
LM: Okay. That was fairly productive. Call your lawyer.
PEW: not really, because we didn't resolve anything
LM: Well... We're resolved down to a number on the house.
PEW: which is pretty much where we were before the conversation
LM: Yes, but just for the hell of it, let's pretend this was a positive step. Actually... As for Monday... Wait until after lunch to call your lawyer.
PEW: why?
LM: Cuz I'll show you the petition. I wasn't sure you had a copy or not.
PEW: well i'd still like to go Monday anyway
LM: As you wish.
PEW: she gave me the impression that it was for injunctive relief
LM: I just find it odd that you won't spend the money to have your attorney draw up a sheet of settlement requirements...

It really wasn't odd. She wasn't willing to put out the money for important stuff like settling! But Hess Trucks and matchboxes - that was important enough to pay the attorney to draw up petitions for injunctive relief.

The problem was, anytime I had my attorney draw something up that was in keeping with something we had discussed, she would nix it... and I was out the costs of having something we had apparently agreed to - drawn up formally. So now, I was putting the onus on her to draw up an agreement and go from there. She wasn't entirely stupid - she knew if she drew it up and I agreed to it - she wouldn't have wiggle room to keep raising the ante.

PEW: and i will call her to verify
LM: ...but you'll spend money to prevent me from stealing stuff out of the house that hasn't been stolen. That's lawyer speak for... Filing an injunction. The injunction is being filed to prevent me from taking things out of the house.
PEW: you've already told me that $35k isn't ok with you
LM: And to account for anything that I have already taken out of the house. Your attorney baffles you with bullshit. You see "injunctive relief" and think payment... support... money. It's not.
PEW: well i said i'd call her
LM: She's filed an injunction to prevent me from "dodging equitable distribution" based on things you told her. And things I've already explained to you. Okay.
PEW: well where are the Hess trucks and the video games
LM: If you want to spend your money so that I can tell a judge the same things I told you... that's your prerogative. I told you... my brother’s
PEW: so, that's what you're telling the judge. they are at your brothers
LM: I also said... I'd bring them back if you brought back the guns... AND if you promised not to start giving them away.
PEW: ok
LM: I'll bring them to court. I told you before, the only reason I took them...was your threats.
PEW: well then there is the $2200 payment to Citibank
LM: And?
PEW: you've refused to help me pay my cc
LM: Tell that to the judge and I will show him $1500 worth of payments to your credit card from August - December.
PEW: which was roughly $600 more.....stating that I had a spending problem
LM: I never said I wouldn't help you pay your CC. Quite the contrary.
PEW: you said, it's my debt
LM: I said it was your debt when you refused to budget with me.
PEW: oh
LM: And you refused to stop charging up your CC. All water under the bridge now, PEW. And by the way... You did notice the dates of those payments, right? Fully A MONTH before I had any idea you were going to file for divorce? That's what makes this all so confounding.
PEW: ok, well let me call and find out about Monday
LM: ok

Money, support, alimony, the collectibles, her credit card payments... but *I* am the guy who was always worried about the money.

The bottom line for me was this - I wanted to keep the house for the convenience of it. Especially now that her apartment would be within 15-minutes of the house. The kids could continue to go to the schools that they loved, have their friends, the park within walking distance, great neighbors - it was effectively the only home that they had really known and it was a great house in a great community.

It still causes me near-physical pain to think that we couldn't just settle the house and move on for the sake of the kids. I was spending my money to try to keep the kids lives as minimally upset as possible. She was spending money because she thought her investment, when deducted from her anticipated take, would be more than she would have gotten just settling. That's on her and her listening to that idiot attorney she had who promised her that this was "easily a 60/40 case and quite likely a 70/30 case." I can't imagine on what she based this assumption other than her client's gullibility, because the duration of our marriage and the mundane level of assets didn't relegate this case to anything more than a nearly flawless case of 50/50 (at worst for me).

Even today, despite netting thousands less than zero, she believes it was all worth it. What a shame.

Parental Advisory - This Post Contains Strong Language

2008-07-08T05:34:00.003-04:00

Well, it's not like there haven't been others, it just seemed like a catchy title!

PEW wasn't always obvious about her fear of my saving all of these discussions, letters, emails, IMs, etc. - but I knew she was. It was difficult enough keeping her stories straight, but the prospect of having to explain her behavior that was documented in her own words had to be pretty intimidating. Her fail-safe has always been that she simply didn't write any of it. I fabricated it.

I had two AIM IDs... one for work to communicate with colleagues at facilities in various parts of the U.S. as well as Europe and Asia... and one I just used at home to show those in my list that I wasn't at work.

In this short exchange from April 4, 2004, PEW logs-in as me using my "at home" AIM ID, which I must have left the password saved on the sign-in page. Despite the content, when I happened upon this, it made me laugh in its absurdity.

PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: Hi I'm LM!
LM, ACTUALLY: Hi.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: I can say whatever I want to myself
LM, ACTUALLY: Super. Is there a purpose to this?
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: yeah, the purpose is to prove that whatever crap you made up "as me"......on aim......is "made up" that's the purpose. you could sign on as me from work if you wanted and have a little chat with yourself
LM, ACTUALLY: And how is that possible unless I have two AIMS open on the same PC... which is not possible?
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: your just the kind of sicko who would do that. how many pc's do they have at work?
LM, ACTUALLY: Lots.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: right. your stacks....of conversations.....they are a farce..... you know it....i know it and I can prove it
LM, ACTUALLY: So you're saying that your claim would be that you, PEW, did not in fact type all of that stuff to me, but that I ran around work, typing messages back and forth to myself during work time?
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: who said this is PEW? this is LM. LM, the big asshole
LM, ACTUALLY: Did it ever occur to you that the servers at AOL would be able to tell differently?
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: i am LM the asshole. REALLY?
LM, ACTUALLY: IP address logs. Then you would have to explain to the court how I was at work and at home at the same time.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: maybe it was one of your brothers
LM, ACTUALLY: You know... "setting up" these viperous discussions with myself.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: or homo boy MCB. he'd do anything for you
LM, ACTUALLY: I think I'm gonna call your father. Your behavior is really beginning to disturb me.
PEW, PRETENDING TO BE LM: thank God I kept those emails where MCB was saying he thought you were gay. you callin VAM? that's my Dad. I'm LM. Goodbye asshole

How can you not laugh at the fact that she types as herself to answer some of my questions in an effort to demonstrate how I could have pulled off what she accuses me of?

The sad part of her delusion is that she really believes that much of what I had (and never shared with her) was orchestrated by me. Seriously. She even used that excuse in court in an attempt to avoid having much of them entered into evidence.

Honestly, one or two or a few conversations, it might be plausible. Did she really think that I sat back one day... some 4 or 5 years earlier... anticipated that she would divorce me... and then went on this half-decade campaign to fabricate more than 500 emails and instant-message conversations on the off chance that she would actually follow-through on her oft-repeated threat?

Did you really think that the answer to that question would be YES?!?!