The Psycho Ex-Wife

Be Patient! Complete Site Re-design Underway!

2008-10-16T17:09:00.002-04:00

We'll be getting back into the groove next Monday. It's been a little slow as DW and I have been working on spiffing up the blog and giving it a fresh look and an update tag line!

There's lots of reading here so feel free to continue to peruse the history, the help, the horror - AND THE SUCCESSES and we'll start moving through custody evaluation #1 just in time for Halloween!

Proactive Projection

2008-10-15T06:08:00.002-04:00

Despite my title, I give her early credit for taking a stab at heading off any "drama" (as she put it) in the following email:

LM,

I just wanted to update you on S2. He still has a 103 fever. I'm going to give it till tomorrow and see if they can call something other than Amoxcicillan in. If my memory serves me, he never really responds to that. I called the Dr. this morning and they said to give it another 24 hours.

Also, I wanted to head off any holiday drama this year. Thanksgiving is mind right?

I know you get Christmas again, but that IS my week, so you will pick up on Christmas Eve and return them either Christmas Day evening or in the AM on the 26th? Please confirm pick up and drop off asap.

New years is mine this year. which falls during your week, so I am assuming we exchange new years eve and then again New years day??

Like I said. I want to head off the drama before it begins, so please respond asap.

~PEW

It's apparently still too difficult for her to check the court order as the schedule is that clear.

Thanksgiving is hers this year.
Christmas is mine this year, pick-up on Christmas Eve and drop-off on December 26th.
New Year's is hers this year, pick-up on New Year's Eve and drop-off on January 1st.

I did laugh a little at her contention that she is the one trying to head off the drama, considering she is the only one who has engaged in custodial interference, failing to show up for my Christmas holiday with the children in 2006. This resulted in a contempt hearing where she was found guilty of custodial interference and failure to follow other provisions of the court order in place at the time.

But hey... if that makes her feel better and she ultimate complies with the order this year... I'm okay with that!

If You've Previously Thought You Were Your Child(ren)'s Parents...

2008-10-13T21:52:00.002-04:00

Think again. The states are and it's enforced by the courts.

Just when I think I've seen everything that could burn me up about my own case, I discover something that sets my blood pressure sky-high all over again.

While preparing my next post along the path of Custody Evaluation #1, I was reviewing the website for our county's (court ordered) custody evaluation program (I'll call it CEP for short). Something caught my eye and made me rather angry because while I've long ago realized that we are only parents to our children as long as the state/government "allows" us to be, I've never seen it posted anywhere as "in your face" as it is on the CEP website. Read it and think about it...

"Most parents sincerely believe they know what is in their child’s “best interests.” What they may not fully realize is that the “best interests of the child” constitutes a legal standard that only a judge will decide."

Not only is it written in a most condescending "we know better than you do" tone, they flat out tell you - the choices to be made for your children are out of your hands once there is a divorce and custody dispute (if not long before that).

Read it again. Digest it. Tell me how you feel. Most CEPs operate with this mindset. I'd strongly suggest that you not get divorced if you've already chosen to get married. All it takes is one high-conflict personality to place the decision making right smack in the hands of the mommy-state.

Your children are not yours. They belong to the state and the state allows you to babysit them with all of the associated expenses. Don't forget it.

Heading Towards Custody Evaluation #1

2008-10-09T07:01:00.000-04:00

Leading into the Fall of 2004, PEW's original work plan was to find a full-time day job because the children would be in school (S1) and daycare/pre-K (S2). However, given the adversarial nature of the proceedings and specifically her first attorney who was looking for the maximum money under every rock, it would make sense that her plan would change.

You see, if both kids were in school, there would be almost no compelling reason aside from straight-up family court mother-bias to change the custody arrangement at the time, which was effectively 50/50 shared. However, her crazy-assed Summer schedule of 2nd-shift Fridays, double-shift Saturdays, and double-shift Sundays allowed her to be "off all during the week." This would give those involved in forcing a decision on the custody matter to look favorably upon PEW. After all, she was going to "be available all week long" to tend to the children. This arrangement could be leveraged to leave me with weekends and her with primary custody. That would be her plan exactly. Success meant primary child-support money. Success meant there was going to be little chance that I would be able to afford the steep child-support figure and be able to keep the children settled in the marital home for at least half of the total custodial time.

Still, there were the occasional scheduling issues associated with this arrangement which led to disagreements about using her sister as a sitter.

LM,

If I am awarded primary custody of the kids, it will be then that re-evaluate going into work at 5pm on fridays. I think I have gone out of my way to accomodate your work schedule(for the past 6 years.) And in return, you "make up" a bunch of lies and put in for a PFA.

My sister is a loving responsible adult. She's doing great and has been doing great for some time. She is a wonderful Aunt. If you are not coming home at 2:30, she will be taking care of the boys till you get home.

~PEW

PEW,

As indicated by what? Repeated failed attempts to stop drinking? An arrest for public drunkenness? Doing significant damage to wheels and suspension of her car with no recollection as to how it happened? Drunk-driving. Binge-drinking. Drug abuse. Stalking. AA, [the rehab center], etc.?

Don't think for one second that I doubt your sister's love for the children, but unfortunately, your faith (and mine) in her efforts to get herself together have failed repeatedly over the past half-dozen years. You may be willing to risk the boys being around for the next failure, but it is of great concern to me. Driving, for sure... and watching them alone. I've been there when your sister has been quite unnerved when watching the boys alone. Unfortunately, both of us have to be convinced that she's suddenly "okay" and I'm not. I'm not willing to risk her losing control if/when the boys become unruly.

In the future, I will make arrangements for appropriate child-care on Fridays for both boys.

~LM

LM,

My sister was not arrested for public drunkeness. She was issued a citation. That was several months ago and she has not had a drink since. Are you coming home at 2:30? Is that what you are telling me? Like I said, if you are not PP will be watching them for the 2 hours.

~PEW

I could not make arrangements to get out of work early that day and was stuck with PEW's selection for babysitters.

Despite all of the hassles, I had previously explained that in the aftermath of winning the first major court hearing on the schooling issue followed by the PEW's break-in to the marital home, followed by the restraining order being issued against the PEW, followed by PEW's choice of her sister as her babysitter of choice given her instability and storied history... I truly believed that things were falling into place for me to get shared 50/50 custody at an absolute minimum. I started to feel that between the documented history and the choices she was making merely weeks before the custody evaluation would bode very well for me and the children.

Boy would I be wrong.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month - Remember...

2008-10-08T05:11:00.001-04:00

...it happens to men, too.

I was reading an article tonight, one among many, from Barbara Kay. This one, though, went against the grain a good bit and wasn't the same old tripe that is so often trotted out espousing women's victimhood with barely a mention of children and nary a word about men.

Barb brings a larger dose of reality on the topic by titling her latest article, Barbara Kay, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month; How about making November false allegations awareness month?

This is a wonderful idea that is still too big a challenge for the mainstream media to cover. I gotta give her kudos for her ongoing efforts, though. In addition to a horrendous story about a young man who was killed by someone as a result of fabricated domestic violence story, she offers some other interesting tidbits:

In 2000, it was reported that the FBI's DNA testing over a three year period had exonerated more than 30% of their 4,000-plus sexual assault suspects.

The FBI's Behavioural Science Unit's 1983 study of False Allegations, a total of 220 out of 556 rape investigations - 40% - turned out to be false. (Over a quarter turned out to be actual hoaxes.)

About 4,000 allegations of rape a year are levelled in Manhattan. About half never happened.

Police officials in New Zealand state that 64% of rape reports are false.

The article goes on to talk about how men's lives can be completely shattered by false accusations and its prevalence in family court, used as a means to get an upper hand in contested child custody cases, something that I and many of my readers have experienced first-hand. I, so far have been one of the lucky ones and not suffered the catastrophic fate that so many others often do. I've been subject to patently false claims, up to and including spousal abuse and child abuse, and the PEW even called Child Protective Services on us on one occasion (and the police several times). In my case, there has never been a single sanction or other repercussions for her provably false claims. That's usually the case. It's wrong.

Barbara Kay's sentiment on how to handle false accusations are shared by many:

"All allegations of sexual abuse or domestic violence should be routed immediately to criminal court and the burden placed on the accuser to prove (usually) her case. Real punishment should follow on false accusations of abuse of any kind. When women get away scot free with ruining men's lives - or provoking tragedies like those detailed in this editorial - it is inevitable that the message trickles down to society at large that false allegations against men by women and girls are tolerated and even [trivialized]."

The bottom-line is this... despite the massive mainstream media coverage that will undoubtedly focus on the abused women of the world, the public should also remember the nearly 1,000,000 men in the United States who report being the victims of domestic violence every year. The number of men and children who are killed at the hands of mother/wife/girlfriend. They should also be alarmed by the fact that there are little to no programs in place to assist battered men in need of assistance. No shelters. No free legal representation. No pro-father-bias in family courts. No multi-billions of dollars funneled to help just males via a "Violence Against Men's Act."

Never forget those realities. Let's try to remember the disposable gender when we talk of domestic violence and death.

Help Us Help You

2008-10-06T07:43:00.003-04:00

Hey Nons, DW here, I'm taking over the blog for a day :) Having dealt with a PEW for over 4 years now, I sometimes feel as if I'm losing my mind, and I'm sure many of you can relate. I begged LM to do this blog for quite some time before he finally agreed, and I've had a few ideas for creating a business around this whole mess for awhile now in order to change the system from the outside. Some of you may know that I work in Search Engine Marketing, so I've been thinking of creating software that will help high conflict divorcees get through the situation without losing their mind, and with the ability to track everything going on. I have a legal background so we had an advantage with documenting everything in a manner that was useful to our attorney (and should have been to custody evaluators if they took the time to read everything), so we want to put this experience into use for everyone else, while at the same time hopefully getting attorneys and evaluators that aren't aware of high conflict personalities to understand what is going on.

What that means is we are currently developing a web application that will allow you to sign in and keep a private journal of events, custody calendar, track phone calls, custody time and interferences, save files and emails, track child support sent or received, track other expenses, among other things. The software will allow you to give access to certain areas (like the calendar) to your ex-spouse with the ability to message back and forth without giving them your normal email account, as well as access for attorneys, counselors, evaluators, and teachers so that all information pertaining to custody and children will be stored in one place that will be accessible from anywhere. (All with the ability to keep sections private when needed, or allow access to read only such as for your attorney.)

If you can, imagine going to one place to update the fact that your ex-husband or wife didn't return calls with your children for 10 days in a row. When your attorney needs proof of this, you simply run a report and print a handy table that shows the court that 75% of your phone calls that are court ordered have been denied. Or imagine being able to do a search for every email that contains foul language, false accusations, or some other issue, and being able to print them with one click and hand them to your attorney.

Without going into too much detail, since this is obviously a work in progress, we are interested in hearing what you would like to see in software that would help you stay organized through court battles. Once we have a first edition of the application we will be asking for beta users to test everything and give us feedback about problems or suggestions to improve it, and if you send us ideas you will be the first on the list to have free access - so shoot us an e-mail with your ideas to thepsychoexwife@gmail.com, we would especially love to hear views from attorneys/counselors/evaluators on what would help you with clients. We will also be creating an affiliate program for the software once it launches, so if you have a blog of your own or website, you will be able to sign up and sell the software earning commissions and helping others at the same time.

GOOGLE FIGHT!!!

2008-10-04T13:51:00.002-04:00

Psycho Ex-Wife vs. Psycho Ex-Husband

Draw your own conclusions.

And don't lie, I know that everyone who goes there is going to make a minimum of 10 of their own battles!

Inconsequential Details...

2008-10-02T05:44:00.000-04:00

...leading up to our first custody evaluation...

In the aftermath of the protection from abuse hearing (or lack thereof), all remained eerily quiet on the road to the custody evaluation. There were a few issues that reared the ugly head from time-to-time:

Once the child-support payments were set-up, there were some snafus with the work check-runs that would prompt the regular, recurring "I didn't get my support check" emails. Even after that was corrected, knucklehead wasn't used to the usual red-tape delays that commonly occur because she had to have my wages garnished instead of taking my checks directly. Her choice, not mine. I finally got around to ignoring those emails after telling her a couple of times to take it up with the child support disbursement office. (For the record, I was paying $869/month for child support having them 50% of the time and also paying "temporary spousal support" to the tune of $204/month.) I'm still at a loss to figure out how I was to pay that much and her petition for spousal support was a joke. For someone who "couldn't afford to pay reasonable attorney's fees" - she sure was petition-happy during that period.

There was also the small matter of the direct checks I was sending her directly prior to the order. After some hemming and hawing as well as my providing ample proof via canceled checks - that was rectified as well and I received appropriate credit for payments made up to the time we finally had an order entered.

Our work schedules were tough and kind of messed-up on Fridays which brought another round of issues surrounding her desire to have her alcoholic, bipolar, untreated psycho-sister watching the children for a few hours on Fridays until I could pick them up. There was nothing I could do except document my objections. She tried to leverage my inability to adjust my work schedule into "being okay" with her sister watching the children. I simply repeated my objections and stated that there was nothing I could legally do to stop her from using psycho-SIL as a babysitter.

It was also the earliest foray into partial parallel-parenting, too. Though I still hadn't officially heard of it, we had some problems with me sending the children over dressed in decent clothing only to have her not return the clothing. It wasn't long before I was left with nothing but sweatpants and sweatshirts. When I asked her about returning the clothing, she informed me that they "didn't fit right" and she disposed of them. It would be the last time I sent them back to her in anything that she didn't first supply me with. The clothes were fine. So, from that moment on, I washed whatever it was they arrived in and sent them back home in it when it was time to return them. To this very day, I still do that. Money is tight and especially then... I couldn't afford to have her trashing the clothes that I had purchased for them.

Between September and mid-October, we would have attended 6 custody evaluation sessions. 2 each alone. 1 together. 1 together with the children. Stay tuned...

Lora writes, "Tomorrow is the Big Day!"

2008-09-27T13:00:00.002-04:00

LM & DW,

Tomorrow is the big day... we hope! We go back to court, again, to hopefully win custody of my husband's kids. We've been going every other month it seems since January, a full month after CPS took my husband's daughter from his PEW (and gave her to the PEW's mother, per the PEW's request), and three months since he'd seen his daughter last. His son elected to come live with us nearly a year ago exactly, due to struggles at home with both his mother and his older half brother, so we have had custody of him at least. Between the PEW and CPS both, it has been an uphill battle.

The PEW has talked his son into lying about his father(my husband), promised him a life full of doing what ever he wants(to include drug use, hanging out with old friends that got him into trouble before) in exchange for coming back to live with her. Now that the PEW has the daughter back from CPS, she is trying to turn the little girl(just turned 6) against her father like she has his son. It is disgusting, to be honest. The woman has tested positive for drugs multiple times in the last nearly year, has flown off the coop at counselor's visits (all documented), and my husband has never come up positive, never thrown a fit... and still, there is a chance that she could get the boy back, and keep his daughter as well.

The last time we were at court, a 'social study' was agreed upon. It has cost us nearly three times as much money as it was supposed to, but hopefully, will be worth it. When my husband's son spoke to the social worker yesterday (the one conducting said 'social study', he admitted to her freely that he'd lied to CPS about his dad for his mom and that he'd done drugs under the care of (but not in sight of) his mother during her supervised visitation with him. He told the social worker that his dad wouldn't let him talk to his old friends (yes, the ones he'd gotten into trouble for shoplifting with and the ones he'd been doing drugs with), made him do his homework and go to school. With Mom, he'd already been on probation for shoplifting, been held back a year at school for truancy, and failing all his classes as well as regular marijuana use with his friends. As the social worker said... 'No wonder he wants to go live with his mom!'

Now, our primary goal is to keep custody of the boy, as mom treats boy (verbally, mentally abusive) far differently than girl ('normal', for now at least); however, per our attorney, we are in fact fighting for custody of both. It is our hope that with this 'social study' report, they will not be able to justify keeping daughter with mom if son shouldn't be with mom. And tomorrow, we will see.

Wish us luck!
Lora

Lora wrote this letter on September 23rd, 2008 and then followed up with us regarding the outcome of their court hearing...

LM & DW,

Court, for now, is over and done with. Per the social worker's recommendations, my husband's son will be staying with us, period. His daughter will stay with Mom. Visitation will remain the way it currently is, weekend wise, but holidays will be modified (we only had temporary orders that didn't include holidays). We also managed to get it stipulated that his ex-wife will have to follow through with all and any recommendations from the psychological testing done by CPS within 30 days, and we also got in a requirement of random drug testing (this is our major concern, as well as the psychological stuff).

We could have gone daggers for his daughter as well, but, given circumstances, we really feel this is in his daughter's best interests for now. That could change in the coming weeks, months, years. Who's to know? My husband and his ex split up when his daughter was still an infant, she has never had Dad around full time and Mommy is her constant. There is an undeniable bond between mother and daughter that we cannot find fault with. At this time, while his ex is clean and drug free, we aren't sure that pulling his daughter from her 'safety line' is the best thing to do. If, however, the situation deteriorates or she starts testing dirty, then we will go back to court.

We are incredibly thankful. It went better than the worst case scenario, but not as well as the best case scenario, but we can work with this.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, and know that we will be continuing to read your blogs, something tells me that our journey is not nearly complete (we'll be dealing with the ex until his daughter turns 18, at least!).

-Lora

Lora and Husband,

Success in the family court arena is often counted in the small steps forward. While you didn't achieve all of your goals, it's very nice to see that you've managed to gain some ground in protecting the kids from their mother's issues. Hopefully, some of the steps you've taken will ultimately help your PEW in the long-run, too.

Continued best wishes to you and yours!

Sincerely,
LM & DW

S.A.N. asks, "What Can I Do?"

2008-09-24T06:13:00.001-04:00

I'm going through a custody case right now over my two year old daughter. I had never heard of BPD (borderline personality disorder) before the split with my ex. A friend who happens to be a psychotherapist gave me her diagnosis.

After reading your website, it sounds like our relationship almost verbatim. We had the temporary orders hearing last week and I got primary custody with standard visitation for her. (two hours Thursday and every other weekend) The only reason I received this kind of judgment was getting a Judge that actually took the time to listen to all the evidence.

Her lawyer pretty much got blindsided. I honestly felt bad for him. All he knew was what she had told him (lies). I had a picture of our toilet that was still dirty (from her bulimia). Testimony from our babysitter that happens to be a foster mom and in law school. Her suicidal writings in notebooks. The fact that she doesn't take care of her son from her first marriage and calls him "evil," "the spawn of Satan," and "the next Jeffrey Dahmer." (Mind you - he's only six.) Her own mother testified that she had said, "you know she's lying when her mouth is moving." I also have her on tape admitting the name calling of her son and the disgusting condition of our house when she moved out, but the judge didn't even need to [hear that].

Despite getting blindsided, her attorney handled it rather well, which concerns me if he's given more time to prepare and has more information than he had been given. I know it's not close to being over. She still baits me at every turn to get me to lose my temper and even has tried the "what's best for our daughter approach." I have been the primary caregiver to our daughter since day one.

What can I do to make sure that when we actually go to trial, that there is nothing she and her lawyer can do to get the temporary order overturned?

~S.A.N.

S.A.N.,

While I am certainly sad for your predicament, I am encouraged by the early successes you've apparently had and your excellent preparation and organizational skills. Your continued efforts will maximize the best possible outcome for you.

Given what you've written and how you've written it, my primary suggestion will be to absolutely ensure that you do not lose your temper at all during this process... at least, not in a way that is recordable and could come back to haunt you. Go sit in your car with the windows rolled-up in the garage and scream at the top of your lungs. Go to the gym and work out. Find an outlet for your frustration and angst. DO NOT let it fly on your PEW. It takes a great deal of patience and discipline, but it is something that you must do despite the urges you may have to "let her have it." Read my post: Appropriate Means of Contact with High Conflict Personalities. I often refer to it as "low contact." Read it. Re-read it. Then read it again when the urge strikes you to vent your frustration on the PEW. Read my numerous examples of how to handle things inappropriately, a few of which are highlighted in the above article. This is so important to you and ultimately, your daughter. Give the other side something to use against you, particularly as a father, and it could serve to undermine everything you've accomplished so far.

What can you do?

In the "crap-shoot for dads" that is most family court systems in this country, there is no guarantee that your current situation won't be reversed. After all, "mom is best" is still the obvious mindset of the divorce and family court cartel.

My suggestions:

- REMAIN CALM AND FOCUSED ON THE ULTIMATE GOAL, which is maximizing your time with the child for her ultimately long-term well-being as you see it. Stay low-contact and always speak respectfully to your PEW. Assume you're being recorded. Assume everything you write is being saved and analyzed for use against you.

- Keep your "evidence" well-organized and relevant to the matters at issue. It would appear from your story that you have grasped that concept. Save yourself some money and always make 4-copies of everything for your attorney (and/or at the direction of your attorney). Don't be paying counsel for making copies when you can do that. 1-copy for you. 1-copy for the judge. 1-copy for the other side. 1-copy for "just in case it's needed for something" purposes.

- Stay highly involved in all of your daughter's activities, which really goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway. Know and interact with the schools and teachers. If she's in extracurricular activities now or down the road, know and interact with coaches, sitters, nannies. You get the picture.

- I'll repeat my low-contact suggestion. Answer no email that doesn't require answering. That leaves very few. No idle chit-chat on the phone. No phone discussion at all unless it's an emergency pertaining to the children. Any email you send should be short, to-the-point, and always blind-copy yourself on anything you send.

- Finally, don't feel sorry for the other side, her attorney, or anything that is in a position of support for her and whose aim is to destroy your relationship with your daughter and her future well-being. Don't waste your time.

I'm sure some of the readers will be quite happy to toss in some other tips and suggestions that may serve to help you as well. You can also check out some of our previous advice column posts, too.

Best wishes.

~LM

The Restraining Order Conclusion

2008-09-22T06:03:00.009-04:00

After filing the petition for a restraining order on September 2nd, 2004, a hearing was scheduled for the following week on September 8th. PEW was appropriately served her notice and showed up with her legal representation. After lengthy discussion with my attorney, he was confident that I could handle this on my own and effectively told me to stick to the facts as I had presented them in the petition and do not deviate. Explain the story, provide your evidence (police reports and calls) and it should be granted.

Now, many attorneys do their "pro bono" work as may be required by their firms during restraining order issues. I was approached by one and decided to go ahead and take it. With a few hours to go until it was our turn, I filled him in on all of the details and he agreed that it was quite likely that I would get the restraining order.

I requested the following:

Restrain Defendant from abusing, threatening, harassing, or stalking Plaintiff and/or minor children in any place where Plaintiff may be found.
Evict/exclude Defendant from Plaintiff's residence and prohibit Defendant from attempting to enter any temporary or permanent residence of Plaintiff.
Award Plaintiff temporary custody of the minor children and place the following restrictions on contact between the Defendant and the children: "Any agreed-upon visitation requires an exchange no closer than the driveway of the marital residence with no entry into the home."
Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with Plaintiff and/or minor children either in person, by telephone, or in writing, personally or through third persons, including but not limited to any contact at school, business, or place of employment, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with the Plaintiff's relatives and Plaintiff's children listed in this petition, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
Order Defendant to temporarily turn over weapons to the sheriff of this county and prohibit Defendant from transferring, acquiring, or possessing any such weapons for the duration of the order.
Order Defendant to pay temporary support for Plaintiff and/or minor children, including medical support and payment of the rent or mortgage on the residence.
Direct Defendant to pay Plaintiff for the reasonable financial losses suffered as a result of the abuse, to be determined at hearing.
Order Defendant to pay the costs of this action, including filing and service fees.
Order Defendant to pay Plaintiff's reasonable attorney's fees.
Grant such relief as the court deems appropriate.
Order the police or other law enforcement agency to serve Defendant with a copy of this petition, any order issued and the order for hearing. The petitioner will inform the designated authority of any addresses, other than the Defendant's residence, where Defendant can be served.

So, my pro bono attorney meets with the other side to try to get the lay of the land and see what he can make happen. When he returns after a lengthy discussion, he informs me that the other side is willing to accept the petition with one exception - that the children be excluded from the restraint.

When I explain to him that the greater portion of my fear is that the children could ultimately be harmed by her increasingly escalating behaviors, the attorney explains that I have a solid case on the firearms issue. She will be found guilty and the court would very likely impose all of that which I have asked for, except the temporary custody of the children. I allow myself to be talked into it. We avoid the hearing by allowing everything relevant to my own protection to proceed, most importantly, her immediate turning-over of the firearms to the Sheriff's department. And again, I get another lesson in the mother-favoritism in family court.

Another hindsight lesson for anyone in a similar spot is here. While I will always suggest that you default to listening to the attorney's advice, I will now suggest that you follow your gut... follow your instincts... do a risk/reward analysis. I believe I made a mistake in listening to this attorney's advice as I had nothing to lose by going to a hearing. In that situation, where there is truly no downside to proceeding - PROCEED and see if you can get all of the relief you've asked for. I wasn't going to jail. I wasn't going to be sanctioned. I had the complete upper-hand. And I gave away a potentially strong opportunity to gain primary, if not sole, custody of the children because of PEW's criminal behavior. I let the "expert" talk me into this because of the mantra "always listen to your attorney." Well, folks... I'm hear to tell you that attorneys can be wrong. Attorneys make mistakes. Attorneys can give bad advice. Assess each situation on its own merits and if your instincts are telling you to follow through with the hearing and there is literally no downside to trying to push through and get what you asked for - JUST DO IT!

I thought that between winning the hearing over the schooling issue followed so closely by these events and subsequent restraining order being accepted by her without a fight/defense, I had a couple of major tools needed to protect myself and gain primary custody of the children. I would be able to protect them from her madness. My confidence level was quite high.

Still, following the advice of the pro bono attorney and not following through on the hearing, even though I still get the PFA, was probably another of several big blunders on my part. My high confidence level would soon be shattered as we go through the custody evaluation and panic begins to take hold.

The restraining order was entered for a duration of 18-months. I received exclusive possession of the marital home (though she wasn't required to make any contributions to the mortgage or upkeep, which pretty much was the same as when we were married). She was required to turn over the stolen firearms to the Sheriff's office.

In an early example of PEW's penchant for willful disregard of court orders, I received a call from her 2-weeks after this hearing. She explained to me that her neighbors told her that a couple of Sheriff's officers were looking for her at her place earlier in the day and if I had anything to do with it. I told her that I did not.

It turns out, she hadn't turned over the firearms to the Sheriff's department and a bench warrant was issued for her arrest. In keeping with her ability to get out of certain trouble - she turned over the firearms shortly thereafter. Still, she had to go before the court and explain the delay in compliance. I wasn't there for it, but I'm sure she turned on the crying faucet, made some lame excuse, and was not sanctioned for her willful disobedience of the court's orders. She is contempt of court, she is already in violation of the PFA by continuing to hold the firearms - and NOTHING is done. No sanctions. No arrest. No penalty whatsoever. 4-years later, I'm no longer surprised when these things happen to me or anyone else.

Alec Baldwin Discusses Family & Divorce Court on 20/20

2008-09-21T06:35:00.000-04:00

"Corrupt, Inefficient, Lazy, and Stupid" is how Alec Baldwin describes the lawyers, judges, and others who are part of the Divorce and Custody Industry. Yes, it's an industry which generates billions of dollars of revenue and income for the states and all of the players within the system.

And so opened the story featured on ABC's program 20/20 on September 19th, 2008.

Alec Baldwin is stepping up to the plate and is making a concerted effort to do something about what he calls the "delays and manipulations" that serve to destroy and divide divorcing families more than the circumstances at hand often do. I believe that this is something that we all want to see happen in our lifetimes. Baldwin's struggles were apparently so bad that he had even contemplated suicide. When one stops to consider that more the 25,000 men in this country commit suicide each year, you have to wonder how many of those men were in the midst of a bitter divorce and custody battle that saw them marginalized as a parent, stripped of their right to be a parent, and relegated to little more than a wallet, from which states strive daily to extract the maximum amount of money "in the best interests of the children." Men commit suicide at a rate that is 4-times greater than women.

Throughout his lengthy struggles in family court and the years he lost with his daughter, Ireland, he struggled with depression and despair. These types of feelings and experiences are repeated tens-of-thousands of times over in this country and abroad.

Diane Sawyer, even at the very outset of the interview, sought to label Baldwin's rather low opinion of the divorce & family court system as a "scorched earth" attitude. Baldwin wisely countered that such an attitude defines one who actively seeks the negative in a particular situation. This is not what he did, but in reality, the situation was "thrust" into his face. It is his experience that brought him to these realizations. Again, this is a point with which I agree. My own attitudes, for reasons even unknown to me, led me to believe that things had changed in divorce & family court for the better for fathers since my own parents split up. I would soon learn that nothing could be further from the truth.

He describes his feelings for the love of his love, daughter Ireland - "When I'm with her, I am happy." Aren't we all when in the company of our children who we love unconditionally? His marriage to Kim Basinger began to fall apart when Ireland was 5-years old.

When asked about the warning signs that signaled the end of his marriage was near, he refused to divulge details, laughing at one point when telling Sawyer that Basinger would probably be a lot more "chatty" about warning signals about him manifested themselves to her. Then, Baldwin made a statement that I suspect will ring true throughout the overwhelming majority of divorced men in high-conflict situations.

"The harshest thing I could say is I was married to someone for whom all dissent was abuse. If you had your own opinion, you were abusive."

This describes my psycho ex-wife in a nutshell. It encapsulates her attitude about everything and like many other words that serve as lightning-rods for those with an agenda, the definition of what is "abuse" has been so bastardized today as to make it's true definition completely meaningless. If you are divorcing someone who takes this attitude - you're in for a long and difficult divorce and custody process that will be rife with accusations that you probably think are unimaginable to be attributed to you.

While asserting that he and Basinger did not argue all the time and, when they did, it was his belief that nothing he ever argued about was over something that was insignificant, he maintains that nothing occurred in the marriage that was deserving of anything that took place in its aftermath. The dreaded high-profile custody battle lasting 8-years... 365 documents... 91 court proceedings... 8 lawyers... 4 judges... 3-million dollars.

It started, as many do, with the mother removing the child from the marital home and moving some long distance away, in this case, from Los Angeles to New York, with Basinger citing Ireland's "health" as the reason. Once a "court sponsored mediator" began to analyze a custody arrangement, Alec Baldwin didn't see Ireland for 2-years (except for very infrequent arrangements during the process) and, Baldwin asserts, he had done absolutely nothing wrong. He did what he could to remain in her life, volunteering at school and being local to her as often as possible. This type of story is played out every day an untold number of times by people with far less financial resources than Alec Baldwin. So, we can see where thousands of fathers fail where Baldwin, thus far, has been able to succeed, assuming you can call his mess a "success" at this point. Of course, the more involved he tried to be, the more Basinger, he alleges, began to turn Ireland against him and he spoke of parental alienation syndrome.

His forthcoming book, A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce chronicles his experiences and provides details of the horrifying and sad stories of the impact of parental alienation on his daughter and himself. "Mommy says you're sick" is an exact phrase I've heard come from my own children and unlike Baldwin who told Sawyer that he said absolutely nothing to Ireland when she told him this, I would simply tell my children that what mom said simply wasn't true and that I was sorry that they had to hear that.

Unsurprisingly, Baldwin was ordered into "anger management" classes, like so many fathers are on the simple accusations of the mother, and he followed the order to attend. And while being a public figure, Baldwin's occasional outburst become tabloid fodder, for many low-profile fathers, that's not necessarily the case and yet - they'll be ordered into them just the same. The problem that arises with this situation is that once ordered into one, there is a perception that you have anger problems or are an abuser and that impacts the attitudes of those charged with making the life-affecting decisions regarding your parenthood. The typical anger-management class is predicated on the shameful "Duluth Model" which is a feminist-driven agenda item that blames all of the evils of society on men. (Perhaps a post for another day.)

Just as the court sponsored mediator was preparing to award joint-custody after these first two years of limited contact, the Basinger attorneys exercised their right to FIRE the mediator. They did this the day before she was to make her recommendation. The problem with this? It sets them back to the very beginning. The classic delay tactic of a vindictive, malicious mother. Off to court they go! When describing his feelings about the court experience Baldwin said:

"The lawyers are there to make money. It's an industry. It's a racket. Judges are like pit bosses in Vegas casinos. Their job is to make sure everyone stays at the table and keeps gambling."

Folks, there exists no better description of the family court system at-large.

8-months later, the judge awards joint custody in his case. He would fly across the country every other weekend to spend his "court authorized time" with his daughter. He even went so far as to have phone calls scheduled right into the order. The incessant interference with these calls is what would lead to the now famous voice mail that Baldwin left to his daughter in a moment of frustration. Alec Baldwin even rented a home 9-doors away from Ireland. However, Basinger was allegedly already driving a wedge between he and his daughter.

A montage of father videos is shown with them speaking of the alienation from their children and Baldwin discusses this more in-depth. He calls the situation a "national crisis" and that fathers all over the country are paying a steep price, along with the children. His belief and the belief of many others, is that parental alienation is a form of child abuse. It is largely a woman-on-man "crime" and it's furthered by the gender bias that exists in America's family courts.

When normal male behavior is being characterized as abuse, even the slightest action demonstrated during a normal emotion can cost you custody of your children. He uses an example of having an argument with your wife and smashing your cellphone down in the driveway now being characterized as "abuse." (There are actually worse examples of that and nowadays, just saying something that hurts your spouse's feelings can be characterized as abuse.) On the flip side, Baldwin again validates the beliefs of most men who are involved in a custody dispute or close to some father involved in one, when he says:

"You gotta catch the mother, as I said in the book, with a crack pipe in one hand, in bed with her pimp, and the child chained to a radiator before they do anything."

Much to my dismay, Joan Myer, professor of law at George Washington University claims, "Family courts are bending over backwards to bring fathers into their children's lives." Of course, she doesn't substantiate that in the limited time given with any objective evidence of such. Further, my research, my experience, and the experiences of those with whom I interact on a daily basis and via this blog lead me to believe that nothing could be further from the truth. Further, she goes on to outright dismiss parental alienation syndrome and, much like the radical feminist that I imagine she is (and I will look into it) she further propagates the myth that parental alienation is claimed by people who are using it to "defeat abuse claims." Sawyer cites the National Organization of Women's cloak of defense with their (accurate, if misleading) claim that PAS is not a "recognized syndrome" and it's not "legally child abuse" in terms of it being a chargeable offense. You'll notice how neither denies that poisoning a child's mind against the other parent is possible and easily achievable, especially when the target parent has been forced to the fringes or out of their children's lives.

I concur with Baldwin's statements and I'm certain that many fathers would echo the sentiment that fathers who wish to be fully involved in their children's lives "loathe and despise" fathers who physically or sexually abuse their children... who have the means but willfully fail to pay reasonable support... who abandon women whom they've impregnated. However:

"It doesn't change the fact that there are women who get divorced and in order to punish, out of this bitter, bitter hatred that some of these women have for their ex-husbands - they turn their children against them. Everybody knows that's real."

Still, the interference with Baldwin's custodial time with Ireland was granted with the full support of the court, on the 2nd-hand claim that Ireland said that she "felt unsafe" around Alec. Another investigation, another extended period of no time with his daughter, charges dismissed, custodial time restored. I've experienced these same types of claims repeatedly from my own psycho ex-wife. The children don't like spending time with me. They are afraid of me. They don't want to come to be with me. They hate it with me. It's indescribably disgusting.

When speaking about the phone rant towards his daughter, he described the experiences and frustrations of the reality that less than 25% of his phone calls were getting through or returned or otherwise being facilitated by the other side. It is a moment he regrets. Still, in the face of hard questioning by Sawyer, he stood by his claim that there was an expectation of privacy and, that the bigger picture is that the voice mail was released to the tabloid website TMZ. While Kim Basinger denies being the source of the leaked tape, one can probably safely assume that Ireland wasn't the one who sent it to TMZ and the larger tragedy is as regretful as his voice mail may have been, what kind of person/mother furthers the embarrassment suffered by her daughter by releasing it to TMZ to be broadcast all over the world?

I gotta say, I have to agree with him here. Why? Not that he was justified with his angry words towards his daughter. It's because I am of the firm belief that there isn't a mother or father alive (or dead, for that matter) who hasn't said something inappropriate, unnecessary, or downright wrong to their children during the course of their lives. Let that person or persons (if they exist) be the ones to sit in righteous judgment of Baldwin's message to Ireland on that fateful day.

A quote from Basinger along with her denial of releasing the tape to TMZ went something like this... and tell me if you haven't seen these words in any number of emails I've posted from the PEW:

Her sincerest wish "is for him to finally address his unstable and irrational behavior so at some point he can potentially create a relationship with his daughter."

It's as if all of these women are operating from the same playbook with the same glossary of terms to use in court, in public, and in this case - on television. I'm certain Alec would read this blog as so many others have and write the same thing to me... "My story is almost exactly the same as yours. In some cases, it's literally verbatim!" I'm sure when I read his book, I will say the same damned thing.

Alec Baldwin is launching a crusade to change the way the divorce process operates. As an example, he will push to see that if there is no evidence that the father has been abusive to the school-aged kids, he gets equal custody of the child right away. He would also like to see co-parenting coaching in an effort to prevent the types of alienation of children that he's purported to have experienced with Ireland at the hands of Basinger.

One of his closing quotes during the segment is one that I repeat in some way, shape, or form at least 2- to 3-times per month:

"Everything with my daughter now is fine. Everything with my daughter is great, so long as the mother stays... out... of... the way."

It's my feeling exactly. Despite knowing the answer, and that is, I believe my PEW is truly ill, I often ask myself why she does and says the things she does. Why does she treat me the way she does, despite now having her divorce and distance between us? Why does she persist in the chaos and terror when all I want is the minimum contact necessary on matters of importance and relevant to the children? Why does she persist when I couldn't care less what she does or is doing with her life provided it doesn't negatively impact the children?

The bottom line is that if the psycho ex's of the world would simply carry on with their lives and share custody of the children and limit contact to only what is absolutely necessary - life would be so much better for everyone, including them!

The Next Problem: The Cellphone

2008-09-21T06:06:00.000-04:00

Shocker! The Psycho Ex-Wife purchased a cellphone for S1. When he called me from it, he was so excited and I just rolled with it. He's 10. I'm sure it won't be long before the incessant whining for his own from S2 will result in his having one, too.

While I want the boys and girl to be educated on technology, it's responsible use, and the costs associated with same, I am staunchly on the side of "children don't need to have cellphones."

It will be interesting to see how this plays out and how much issue she will have with my house rules regarding cellphone use. I considered saying "assuming she allows it to come to my home" - but I have no doubt she will ensure it's sent. However, it will be left on the counter along with mine on the charger. It will not be going to school. And I can't wait to see what happens the first time it is lost, stolen, or broken during my custodial time.

I'm sure now, in addition to the copious amounts of videogame time, followed closely by watching television time, will be sitting around playing with his new cellphone and the "Sedentary Lifestyle Trifecta" will be complete.

Nevermind the constant cry of an inability to pay her bills, the foreclosure notice, and all of the other complaints about money while not accepting responsibility for the poor decisions she makes.

Pessimistic about this development? You betcha!

Court Hearing: Where the Children Would Go To School

2008-09-19T06:06:00.002-04:00

Today I provide the details of the petition, the hearing, and the results of said hearing which precipitated The PEW breaking into the marital household and my subsequent filing of the petition for the filing of the restraining order.

On August 12th, 2004, PEW filed an emergency petition for the court to make the decision regarding where our children would attend school. Though we originally had an agreement, not unlike nearly every other agreement we've had, she decided to change her mind to feed her unquenchable thirst for chaos and combat via litigation.

She filed a petition which "further ordered and decreed that pending a hearing, LM is enjoined from removing the minor children from St. Local Catholic School." As I start to detail the content of this petition and many others, you will notice a pattern of embellishment and flat-out lying that never seems to meet with her being punished for her unsworn falsifications to the court. This, despite the clear and convincing evidence of her having done so. Toss in a good measure of projection and you have the makings of a scary situation that would repeat itself dozens of times over the last few years.

The Petition:

You, LM, Respondent, have been sued in court to enjoin you from the removal of the minor child S1 from St. Local Catholic School and for attorneys fees for the necessity of same.

You are ordered to appear in court... [blah, blah, blah... details dates and times and courtroom.]

EMERGENCY PETITION FOR SPECIAL RELIEF

1 - Petitioner, PEW, natural mother... [inconsequential details].

2 - Respondent, LM, natural father... [inconsequential details].

3 - Petitioner and the parties' children moved out of the marital residence located in County on May 5, 2004 due to Respondent's continuing harassing behavior towards Petitioner.

Comment: Here is your first complete lie. PEW set the wheels of divorce in motion in January of 2004. She voluntarily remained at the marital residence until May 5th, 2004 of her own accord and I was agreeable to that in order that she would find a suitable place of residence for herself and the children when they were with her. I had several emails which spoke to how "nicely" I treated her during that period and how "if only" I had treated her that way throughout the marriage, we wouldn't be divorcing. This is evidence she had failed to remember existed. I never harassed her and it defies logic that she would attempt to impress upon the court that her fears and this fictional harassment "forced her" to stay for nearly 5 months. The fact is, we barely spoke to one another during that period except as a courtesy and only if it was something pertaining to the children.

4 - There are two children... [inconsequential details].

5 - Petitioner filed for Custody and Support on June 1st, 2004. Respondent filed his own petition for custody on June 9, 2004. A conference was held on July 13, 2004 and the Conference Officer made no recommendation pending the results of the counseling process.

6 - The parties' minor child, S1, attended St. Local Catholic School last year and is currently enrolled in St. Local's for this upcoming year. The parties' minor child, S2, is currently enrolled to attend pre-school at St. Local's for the upcoming year.

Comment: S1 was enrolled in pre-K, and I quote, because PEW "needed a break" from caring for the children and to keep them from "being up her ass 24/7."

7 - Respondent is now threatening to remove S1 from St. Local and enroll him in public school against Petitioner's and child's wishes.

Comment: I didn't threaten any such thing. The reason for the short duration of the hearing was this all important fact - PEW had actually been the one to register S1 for our award-winning elementary school per our agreement during the 1st-week of February 2004! This was after she had initiated the divorce process! This was the lynch-pin of my defense and I believe the one which made the judge rule in my favor almost instantaneously after testimony was complete. Further, she often speaks on behalf of the children regardless of what they actually do or say. Fact is, S1 was excited to be attending the elementary school in question. It was within walking distance of the marital household. All of his neighborhood friends were going there. That's not to say that he didn't enjoy his time at St. Local. However, he was excited to be attending kindergarten at the "big boy school" that was 2 blocks from our home with all of his friends.

8 - The best interests of the children are served by maintaining the continuing loving, stable environment and therefore necessitates the emergency relief sought hereby, as school begins on 9/8/2004.

9 - Respondent's threat to remove S1 from St. Local and enroll him in public school is solely for the purposes of posturing for his position in the parties' upcoming custody hearing.

Comment: Projection, plain and simple. The reality was that the rather significant expense of the Catholic school was being used by PEW to force me to sell the house. It was an expense that neither of us could afford and I was already paying significant school taxes for the children to attend the public elementary school. She petitioned often knowing that anything awarded in her favor would be primarily my expense due to our disparity in incomes and I was already struggling to keep up the house payments with child support, temporary alimony, and day-to-day living expenses. She was simply trying to burden me with more expenses which would force the sale of the home.

10 - Respondent has threatened Petitioner that he will "drag out" the divorce proceedings and will continue to maintain sole possession of the marital assets because he believes it will advantage him in the custody proceedings if he remains at the marital residence while Petitioner has been reduced to residing in an apartment.

Comment: I threatened no such thing. I wanted this ended quickly and as painlessly as possible. The only person that "reduced" PEW to living anywhere was PEW. She initiated the divorce without grounds (not that she needs any in our state). She moved out of her own accord and into a rather nice apartment that she took months to discover and obtain. Remember now, our original "agreement" before I was ambushed by her filing for custody of the children was a shared arrangement that was dictated by our respective work schedules.

11 - Respondent maintains sole possession of the marital residence because he is the only party with the financial ability to maintain the mortgage, however, he refuses to negotiate with the Petitioner regarding the distribution of marital assets so that she can obtain her own residence.

Comment: The earliest indicator that she was "entitled" to her own single-family home and that I was responsible for providing the finances necessary for her to accomplish that. Further, as the readers may already know - I negotiated my ASS OFF with this psycho. The only one failing to negotiate in good-faith was the PEW and I had an enormous amount of evidence already to show same.

12 - This latest threat to remove S1 from St. Local's is simply another example of Respondent's harassment of Petitioner since it is clearly not in the best interests of the child.

Comment: Again, I threatened nothing. The children were enrolled because we agreed to it and The PEW herself did the registration, the orientation, and the back-to-school stuff necessary. It was only after June or July, when she discovered she wasn't going to easily get her way that the schooling became an issue. All I did was follow-through on the initial registration by contacting the school, getting to know the principal and the teacher, and making the arrangements for after-school care if necessary. Turns out, it wasn't. Not only wasn't PEW working during the school week (a fact I'm guessing she didn't think would matter to the court), S1 qualified for full-day kindergarten, something I worked solely with the school to obtain for him. Apparently, it was in S1's best interests to the both of us until PEW decided for no particular reason except to litigate - that it wasn't.

13 - S1 enjoys and flourishes at St. Local's. He is familiar with all the teachers and has many friends. Further, after school care is available at St. Local's. If S1 was forced to go to public school, he would then have to be bussed to a separate after-school care facility.

Comment: Lie. Aftercare wasn't needed. Even if it was, it was local and associated with the school.

14 - Petitioner believes, therefore avers, that it would be to S1's detriment to be uprooted from a school he knows and enjoys and to be separated from his brother. Further, the minor children are having emotional issues with the separation of the parties. To cause more transition and instability would be detrimental to both children.

Comment: Says the person who is responsible for more transitions, upsets, moves, and school changes than anyone else in this entire saga. 3 moves to residences (a 4th apparently forthcoming depending upon how her foreclosure notice is processed), 3 schools. It's interesting that my efforts are to settle things down for the children and ensure some level of stability in their lives and yet, she pontificates about "transition and instability." The insanity of it all is boundless.

15 - The Petitioner believes and therefore avers that she would prevail on the merits of the hearing to enjoin respondent from removing the children from St. Local's.

Comment: Of course she does. Of course, the little matter of her explaining why she enrolled them in the public school to begin with would loom large at the hearing.

16 - To permit the minor children to be removed from their present school activities and counseling environment at this time would be damaging to the children's education and welfare and not in their best interests.

Comment: Drama much?

The bulk of my testimony centered around the following facts:

- The lynch-pin: SHE REGISTERED S1 FOR THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!

- That we had agreed to send the children to public school - our award-winning elementary school, and we did so after the divorce proceedings were initiated by PEW.

- I had spoken with many parents with students at the Catholic school and checked their facts. They had significantly declining enrollment. They were boosting tuition as a result. There was talk of the school CLOSING. These are things that the PEW had apparently no knowledge about.

- The climate surrounding the Catholic church at the time regarding the sexual abuse of children was something I mentioned. Was I concerned or had any proof that there was anyone at the church who couldn't be trusted? Certainly not, but it had more to do with the negative perception of the church and all of the controversy surrounding that topic. It was probably partly responsible for the declining enrollment.

- Finally, we were "non-practicing" Catholics and I couldn't remember the last time we had attended church that wasn't for a wedding or major Catholic event (Christmas, New Year's, Easter, Thanksgiving). So, I questioned the veracity of her extolling the virtues of the Catholic Church and the education that they provide when she couldn't herself remember when the last time it was that she had attended church on a regular basis (let alone the last time she was there for any reason in recent memory).

My attorney (#1) buried her story on the stand. Her position and justifications were indefensible and it was clear. I was absolutely perfect on the stand under the questioning by her attorney.

THE RULING: After testimony was completed, the judge immediately gave his ruling. S1 would go to the public elementary school. S2 could attend Catholic school's pre-K for the upcoming year but would also attend public school when kindergarten started. Further, I was under no obligation to pay for any attendance at the Catholic school because mom was "stay-at-home" during the week and it was a "luxury" expense.

The lies and embellishments would be a consistent pattern for her and despite my protestations, she was never punished or otherwise sanctioned for filing false petitions. It was a waste of my time and money, the court's time and money, and even her time and money. However, as long as attorneys, judges, and court staff need paying - they will continue to entertain such frivolous lawsuits.

The Restraining Order Petition

2008-09-17T06:14:00.007-04:00

It's really hard to describe the feelings that overcome one in the midst of a situation like this break-in. I call it a "break-in" because that's exactly what it was. I had the locks changed since her move-out and made the mistake of leaving downstairs windows "cracked" when I left for work. So, she ripped-out the screen, opened the window and let herself and the children into the house.

Yes - the children.

This was the first shocker for me and I remained extraordinarily calm given the situation. I couldn't believe she had done this in front of the children, then ages 5 and 3. I had great neighbors on a wonderful block and the most heartbreaking part of this whole ordeal was the big, bright smiles on the faces of both boys and the excitement in their voices when, during that evening when they were out front playing, they were telling our next-door neighbors, excitedly, "Yeah! Mom and Dad are getting back together and we're so excited! This is really great!" To keep a solid face I had to work very hard to choke back tears and sadness and do the parental side-stepping that was something akin to telling them, "...oh, we'll see, there are a lot of things that need to be discussed" ...and avoid ripping their hearts out of their chest again. The PEW would take care of that the next day. I still get butterflies and sadness when I think about those couple of days when I remember how the kids were.

The details of the events are best described in my petition for protection from abuse for the dates in question (9/1 & 9/2, 2004):

My wife and I had a hearing on the morning of 9/1/2004. The judge ruled in my favor, which my PEW rather upset.

Upon returning home, I changed my clothes and went to a meeting at work. At approximately 1:45PM, my phone activated and caller ID indicated that the call was coming from my home. I removed myself from the meeting and answered the phone.

The PEW identified herself to me and said, "I just wanted to let you know that I've broken into the house and I already check with the police. There isn't a fucking thing you can do about it, either. I'm moving back in and I am going to make your life a living hell until you have no choice but to sell this house!"

I tried to convince The PEW to leave the home with the children. I told her that I understand that she was entitled to be there, but it didn't have to happen today. She refused to leave and we ended the conversation.

At that time I called police radio and asked [town's] police to send a patrol car to the home to see what was going on.

Soon thereafter, I arrived home to discover that no police had been dispatched. As PEW had stolen my firearms that I won from the home approximately 6-months ago and their return was again discussed in the morning, I asked if she had them with her and if I could have them back, at which time she replied menacingly, "Your guns? Yeah, you'll get them back all right - you better be careful what you ask for!"

I understood that to be a threat. I again called the police and urged them to send someone over right away as I was on the premises, as was my wife and my children and that things were escalating. I believe I said that I "strongly advised" them to come to the home.

Within minutes the police arrived and spoke to us separately. They advised me that PEW was adamant about staying and that neither they nor I could force her to leave.

Later in that evening, around 10:00 PM, PEW and I had a relatively civil discussion about what transpired and of our general circumstances. PEW expressed her frustration with the situation, her living arrangements, her mounting legal bills. Of particularly serious concern to me, PEW stated specifically that she is having trouble dealing with all of this and she, "felt like ending it all" which I took as a clear reference to suicide. Furthermore, during our portion of the discussion regarding our custody issues, she said to me, "If I lose my children, I don't know what I'd do, probably kill myself."

This erratic behavior has me concerned for my children's welfare, my own welfare, and even her welfare.

On Thursday, 9/2/2004, I had to run some errands in the morning. One of my stops included the police station, where I filed a report with Officer So-And-So. I informed him of my discussion and PEW's suicide references. I further expressed to him my fear that PEW may try to hurt herself and then try to accuse me of doing it or attempt to provoke a physical confrontation. After he took my report, I headed home.

I arrived home at approximately 11:00 AM. once there, I sat down with PEW to discuss the drop-off and pick-up of S1 for school. I made a call to the after-care program to adjust my registration from full-week to drop-in.

PEW informed me that she was taking the boys to her apartment to pick-up their hermit-crabs and some other things. She returned approximately 90-minutes later without anything from the apartment. It was approximately 2:00 PM. I awakened from a nap and informed PEW of my intentions to go into work.

PEW asked me to wait, let the boys out into the yard, and she went into the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, she informed me that she was moving back out. I was shocked because the boys were already very confused by the previous days' events. They were telling our neighbors that, "...mommy and daddy were getting back together." Now, she was telling them that they were not moving back in.

I expressed extreme displeasure at this revelation and thought this behavior could have extreme negative effects on the children. It was then that PEW charged at me and started yelling at me and she raised her hands as if she was going to strike me. Given my suspicions that she would try to engage me in a physical confrontation, I backed away from her, telling her, "Be careful! This could cost you your kids!"

She continued to yell at me, approaching me again with a raised hand. I moved towards the steps that lead to the front door. I demanded the house key and PEW refused. I told her I was going to take the van keys. I didn't threaten PEW at any time. However, she called the police.

By this time, I had exited the marital residence and went to my vehicle which was parked across the street. The boys were in the house now, upstairs and looking out the open front window at me. PEW came storming out front and went berzerk in the driveway. In an effort to get the attention of the neighbors, PEW began shouting at the top of her lungs, all within view and hearing of the children, "DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?! HE'S AN ABUSER, A FUCKING-ASSHOLE (repeatedly), A HOMOSEXUAL, AND REAL MAN WOULD HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE AND ALLOWED THE WOMAN TO STAY!!!" The language was filthy, vile, full of expletives - and S1 was clearly unnerved by what he was witnessing. When she had completed her tirade, she threw the house key in the grass. The police then arrived, including Officer So-And-So with whom I filed the report earlier in the day. Soon after a talking to by the police, PEW left with the boys.

In my estimation, this erratic behavior pattern is becoming increasingly more aggressive and is demonstrating that PEW has little regard for the welfare of the children. I am concerned for the safety of the children, my own safety, and even PEW's safety from herself.

It is also important to note that after telling me the prior evening that she fired her attorney - during the confrontation on 9/2/2004, PEW told me that she did not fire her attorney and that the attorney had advised PEW to re-enter the home, causing all of this upset and strife for the children and me, but for what end I don't know. I find PEW's behavior threatening and detrimental to the children most especially.

The entire situation was surreal, there is no other way to explain it. At least I had the sense enough to file a report with the police and accurately predicted what her intentions were.

Worthy of note:

- Despite explaining to the police that she made a gun threat, they didn't arrest her, because she apparently didn't have the guns on her actual person. I'm absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

- Despite explaining that she had attempted to attack me and even despite the police witnessing some of her screaming and foul mouth, she was not arrested. I'm absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

Frankly, I think I was lucky that I wasn't arrested.

At least I took the necessary steps, short of moving out, to maximizing self-protection and it appeared to have worked.

To this day, I'm astounded that his major incident was never considered by any custody evaluator as relevant to determining her stability or her ability to parent the children effectively... but this would be one of many harsh lessons I would learn over the course of the coming months and years.

Separately, learn about the abuse of restraining orders: Without Restraint - The Use and Abuse of Restraining Orders. You can also do a simple google search for "restraining order abuse" and find alarming information.

I count myself lucky that I was actually able to get one, for what little good it did me, given the circumstances. What is quite ironic was that reality is, women use them overwhelmingly as a weapon in a divorce and custody situation. Custody Evaluator 1 will dismiss my offering of same as "lawyer posturing to get an upper-hand in the custody situation" despite PEW's acceptance of guilt to avoid a hearing. Have I mentioned that if the roles were reversed what my expectations would be?

The Psycho Ex-Wife Breaks Into the Marital Home

2008-09-15T06:10:00.002-04:00

On September 2, 2004 and the following days - a series of major events took place. These events gave me a tremendously high and false sense of positivity that would never come to fruition. Worse than that, the lack of consideration that these events, and many others, would garner would accelerate my education in the divorce and family court system. It was still the same-old, same-old. It actually may even be worse than it was 20- or 30-years ago for men and fathers in this country. It's exacerbated by the proliferation or better understanding of personality disorders and how they drive family court litigation. I'm certain that this is the perfect storm that is my situation.

This is going to take a while to explain, so I offer you what I called then the "Cliff's Notes" version (or not) that I sent a friend who was concerned about not hearing from me for a few days. This is effectively as-written back in September 2004. More details will be forthcoming...

Cliff's notes version: (Note: she stole my guns 6 months ago and hasn't returned them - cops: "There is nothing we can do.")

- The first of several court cases went down on Wednesday morning. We were at an impasse over where the kids were going to school. She sued me to have them go to Catholic School. The judge ruled in my favor. She was none too happy.

- Hours later, I'm in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we're doing in [another country]. My cellphone buzzes and I look at the display... it's a phone call... from my HOUSE. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It's my wife. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. Claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that's that. Unable to talk her out of leaving: Discussion, cops, discussion... nothing the cops nor I can do to get her out since she's on the deed (no settlement yet). I'm stuck.

So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we'll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. I start the wheels in motion to take action against her. The sorriest thing is that my kids think that we're "getting back together."

- Thursday... after making arrangements with my attorney. I go to the police station and describe a conversation that my wife and I had the night before where twice she made references to "wanting to end it all" and "if I lose these kids, I dunno what I'll do, probably kill myself." I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home.

- We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care... which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. I take a nap, as you can imagine, it's been a long night.

- Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait... she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard... and she announces she is moving back OUT. I get really upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her... I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!? >>>" and she's off to the races. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the cops again... (there is still nothing that they can do). During our exchange... she informed me that she didn't break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney.

She ultimately leaves with my kids again and right now... all is quiet on the home front. I get the boys back tonight thru Tuesday morning. I got a lot of undoing of damage to try to do. I missed pretty important days at work, but by the grace of God, my boss, the CEO has been extremely understanding and flexible. I only just got back from the courthouse... I decided I can't be "nice" anymore. I filed for a protection from abuse order this morning. If the judge accepts it, hearing Wednesday (S1's first day of school)... and given the nature of her work, if it sticks... it will very likely cost her her job.

Against the advice of my attorney, I DIDN'T file one yesterday for fear it would "push her over the edge." Unfortunately, after the events of yesterday afternoon... I truly am left with no choice. I can only hope that there is are some guardian angels out there watching over my boys. Part of the PFA includes the children and requests full custody of the children on a temporary basis until the custody evaluation that we're going through plays itself out.

I think she may have scuttled any shot she had at winning that case now, too.

That's the Cliff's Notes version... if I filled in all the details, I think even your head would explode.

That gives you all an idea of what happened and what was going to happen relative to the break-in. DW previously posted my email to her regarding my fears and some information about the break-in.

The Restraining Order Petition

J.I.M. writes, "I Just Want to Have a Normal Life!"

2008-09-14T06:18:00.001-04:00

Hello Guys,

After reading your blog for the last few months, I can't even begin to tell you how much I can relate. My boyfriend of two years has a psycho ex wife, and two children from that marriage. We actually found your blog because we had "diagnosed" her with BPD... and our experience in and out of court, and with the unpredictability mirrors your blog.

I'm reaching out for your advice, because I'm at the end of my rope.

Basically... [our PEW] had been more or less in and out of the children's life when I met S (my boyfriend). She was re-married 2 weeks after their divorce to my boyfriend's life long best friend, and had a child with him about 7 months later. So she was wrapped up in her "new" life and didn't want much to do with the kids... until about a year into our relationship she realized that I was becoming their mother. So, she out of the blue, for the first time in 2 years since their divorce began asking for over nights with the kids... At first we weren't reluctant because we wanted them to have a healthy relationship with their mother.

However, about a month into the 1 over night a week thing she began getting physical with them, sending our then 5-year old little girl home with blood on her shirt after being smacked in the nose with enough force to cause a nose bleed. CPS became involved and found that she had in fact been "using inappropriate discipline" and required her to take parenting classes.

She has since decided that she is going to make our lives a living hell. She filed for full custody, and child support... yes, seriously filed after not parenting for about 2-years took us to court! About $3,500 later, we have legal "possession", with joint custody and she exercises parenting time per the state guidelines (every other weekend, and one night a week for 4 hrs)... CPS and our daughter's teacher both testified against PEW in the trial, PEW had NOTHING to support her side except her psycho ranting and crying and the judge bought it!! She pays $0 child support, and gets more time with the kids than what she wanted prior to my involvement.. Alright so there is the back ground in a nut shell... Here is the current problem...

She has now decided that I'm to blame for ALL of her problems... and there are many! She is constantly sending emails (we switched from phone/in person to email per your suggestion) saying that I'm causing the children to hate her, that I'm causing the children to hate my boyfriend (which they adore their dad) Worse- she is aggressively manipulating our 5- and 7-year old children to think that I am a problem. She tells them that I don't take good care of them, quite the contrary, and manipulates them into saying stuff like "we only don't like you mommy, because she says not to like you" when I NEVER say a foul word about their mother in front of the children. and trust me - it's HARD.

I need your advice on how to handle this with the children. It breaks my heart that she is telling them all kinds of horrible things about me, and at their tender ages they are believing some of it. She's even gone as far as to tell them that I only went to college because I was extra stupid, and you only go to college if you're extra stupid, and need more school... yes, seriously. I have had an absolutely WONDERFUL relationship with the children, but I can feel their mother's influence rubbing off, and I'm worried about it damaging my relationship with them. She is also sending emails to my boyfriend saying stuff like... "You need to spend more time away from your girlfriend... with just the kids, because they're sad that they have to share you" Something that I really don't believe is an issue at all. In fact they view the 4 of us as a family, and she is threatening their view of it. How do you suggest we handle this... ANY advice would be appreciated... DW how do you handle this?

I just want to have a normal life, a normal family... I want her to parent the children how ever she sees fit (with out hurting them) when they're with her, and leave us alone when they're with us. What can we do?

Please help.

Thank you for everything.

J.I.M.

J.I.M.

DW here as LM is off on business travels. The short answer is this, there is nothing you can do. Nothing.

The long answer is worse I'm afraid. But let's start at the beginning. As we hear over and over from our readers, we've gone through the exact sames things you have. PEW has blamed me for her problems, told the boys that LM should only play with them when they are here and not my kids, the court cases, CPS, etc, etc ad nauseum. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do about her behavior. As we often comment, it's not against the law to be a bitch, even if it hurts your own kids.

The only thing you can change is your reaction to things. Of course changing your reaction isn't always positive or helpful. The one thing you have going for you is that you have primary custody. Thank your lucky stars, because we dealt with the exact opposite schedule and you can imagine the damage PEW did to 3 & 6 year olds when she had them 26 days out of the month. You have the time and power to undo the brainwashing that occurs in the kids when they come home. Continue to love and support them as you would if their Mother was normal. It's hard, especially when/if they start acting like her, but you have to be able to deal with them separately and not look at them as a package deal. This is probably the hardest thing I have to do right now, honestly, I'm not good at it.

However, my beliefs are changing on the "always be nice about Mom" front of things. Frankly, I think the kids deserve to be told straight up when Mom does or says something that isn't right. You don't have to slam her, but being able to say "I'm sorry your Mom told you that, it's a lie, here's the truth," will help keep your sanity, and hopefully help them question things they hear in the future, because they will need this skill when dealing with her for a long time to come. This is a contention in most households, and certainly ours as I end up saying things under my breath or being very sly about it and LM shoots me an evil look pleading with me to shut up. What happens is we end up being put in the same spot as our spouse, always feeling like we have to defend ourselves, when we aren't even part of the family! We get the blame/responsibility, without any of the rights.

So what am I really saying? Your life will never be normal. Ever. You have to make a choice to stay and make the best of it, or leave and have a chance at a normal life. You can do things to minimize her impact on YOU, which is what I do. But you can't control what she does. LM and I have certain rules, he'll ask me if I want to know before he tells me something that happened. I get involved in the big stuff, but the little everyday stuff, I just don't want to know. We figured out this week that we are completely different in one way, he HAS to talk about things or his head will explode. I, on the other hand, have to NOT think about things, or my head will explode. You have to determine what level you want to be involved, what you need to ignore, and what you really need to respond to in order to keep your sanity, and ALWAYS keep communications open between you and your spouse.

~DW

Letting Go After Divorce

2008-09-11T05:43:00.000-04:00

Letting Go After Divorce

You married thinking your soul mate would be a great parent, and they were, they just weren’t the best spouse. There are now over one million children going through a new divorce each year. Though the courts are abandoning their once firm stance that mom is always the best parent, it’s often tempting for parents to fight for primary custody, even when the ex-spouse is capable and willing to share responsibility, to punish for deeds committed during the marriage. So how do you let go of the hurt so that you can both be great parents?

Counseling – It’s not just for married couples anymore. The circumstances surrounding a divorce often involve anger, betrayal, and even loneliness. Being able to discuss these feelings without bringing them into custody issues is imperative. Jeffrey R. Greene, Ph.D., LPCC from www.familytherapynet.com, says, "When the pain surrounding the divorce is absent or minimal, child-focused parents can work with one another toward the best interest of the child. When the issues that contributed to the divorce are unresolved, then co-parenting becomes challenging to impossible. One or both of the parents that may be struggling with feelings of failure, resentment, values differences, anger and other self-defeating feelings, would be wise to use the opportunity to establish a relationship with a therapist that can facilitate a change in their thoughts and feelings. Moving past old hurts requires letting go of one’s desire to seek revenge, minimize self-indulgence and stay focused on the needs of the child."

Communication – While it’s tempting to keep telling your ex-spouse exactly how they hurt you, it isn’t going to change what happened to the marriage. According to Mr. Greene, "For ex-partners to get past distractions to their new mission of making joint decisions that meet their child’s needs without indulging in romps through a painful memory lane, the co-parents would be wise to establish rules or boundaries with regard to their interactions. When the co-parents have a healthy post marital relationship, their rules can be somewhat loose and ill defined. When the ex-partners are still embroiled in their pain or legal action, the rules and boundaries need to be explicit."

Rae, divorced mother of three children says, "At first it was almost impossible for us to have a conversation without one or both of us exploding about some event that had nothing to do with the situation at hand. We eventually had to set a time limit on how long we had to complete discussions pertaining to the kids, and just walk away from each other at that point."

It’s common sense to keep adult conversations away from the children, but often difficult in the heat of the moment. Scheduled phone calls after the kids are in bed, lunch meetings in a public setting, and even e-mail communication can all save children the added discomfort of hearing negativity. E-mail gives you several added advantages as well, such as the backspace button for those times when you stray off the topic at hand, written verification for schedule changes or other child centered requests, and the ability to prepare yourself for the interaction rather than being blindsided by a phone call during dinner.

Separate Custody and Child Support – It’s no surprise money is often a point of contention in marriage and is closely followed as a contention in divorce. While the amount of support the primary parent obtains from the co-parent is important, the interaction of both parents is what will build secure, strong children. Studies show that children growing up in fatherless homes are at greater risk for drug abuse, behavioral problems, suicide, dropping out of school, and are more likely to get in trouble with the law. Writing a check isn’t a substitute for fathers being able to engage their children on a regular basis, or even having the chance to be the primary parent if it’s in the best interest of the children. Studies also show that non-primary parents who have a significant amount of visitation, are more likely to pay their child support, making it a win-win for all involved.

Kids First – Most parents will tell you that they are fighting for everything in the divorce for the benefit of the children. Whether true or not, it’s often the children that are overlooked while the legal battle is raging on. "Children are always affected by divorce... always! Some are able to express their fears and feelings openly while others keep it to themselves. When a child begins to act-out or act-in beyond a reasonable amount of time... say 2 to 4 weeks, then they may be in need of some professional assistance. When children reach the limits of their ability to cope with stress and circumstances out of their control, some act-out… behaving in a manner that can range from hyperactive to irritable, from aggressive to verbally nasty, from rage to passive aggressive, and from inattentive to self-absorbed... while others act-in... depression, lethargy, academic underachievement, crying, suicidal thoughts, loss of interest, loss of social relationships, and disturbances of sleep and nightmares. When their behaviors are too much or too little for too long, consider a chat with their pediatrician, a psychiatrist or a mental health specialist," advises Mr. Greene.

This article was written by DW and published in a parenting magazine.

More articles on divorce, custody, child support, parenting/step-parenting, among others can be found by simply clicking here.

Our First Date - The Full Story

2008-09-09T06:05:00.003-04:00

In the post called "A Couple of Firsts" - DW gives a quick glance at how we came to be in each other's company and our relationship flourishing. Well, here is the full picture of where I was in early 2004 and how we came together by sheer chance, from my perspective.

I can’t begin to explain everything about her that makes her so amazing. If we start and end with the reality that she is effectively a "volunteer" to all of this madness, that would be enough to paint a good picture. However, it certainly wouldn't be a complete one.

I had learned from talking to her, her history, and from some of her friends – people whom she considers her close friends – that she was in a very unhappy place back around a year or so before we had met. She was on the brink of some very difficult circumstances and decisions, most of which none of us should ever have to experience. She would put on the brave face and attempt to make the most of having fun when she could only mask the struggles that were always "right there."

I was in a similar place, though I believe I had made peace with some of the mistakes made in my wake. By March of 2004, I had decided to give up on women believing relationships were too difficult, too much work, and something that just wasn’t worth the effort. Besides, what were the chances of finding someone who would want to start, cultivate, and continue to a meaningful relationship with someone with two children, a monstrous STBEW, and an uncertain financial future given the adversarial divorce/custody circumstances? My motorcycle was my girlfriend. I even told people so. "She is enjoyable. She looks fantastic. She didn't argue with me about anything. She is a cheap date. For about $10.00, I could ride her all day long, come home, take a nap, get up and do it again - she would go right along with it with nary a complaint!"

I was wrong.

I went on a couple of meaningless dates and flat-out turned down another. No spark. No interest. Truth be told, no real desire on my part, just going through the motions. I wasn't looking for a relationship! Hell, I wasn't even divorced yet. I was just looking for some occasional company. Nothing serious. I had too much on my plate anyway. About March or April of 2004, I can recall sitting in the house watching the Rock-N-Roll Hall Of Fame telecast which closed with an all-star rendition of George Harrison’s While My Guitar Gently Weeps and it featured Prince playing the lead guitar (youtube video at the end of this post). I am a fan of his and the musical talent that man possesses puts him high atop the list of performers in my mind. I was blown away by his guitar playing all over again. This is important to the story because it was at that precise moment in time that I was going to buy tickets to his August 22nd, 2004 show since he was "back to normal" again. I bought a pair figuring (to myself) that by the time August rolled around, my situation should mostly be resolved (a foolish moment of optimism I guess) and perhaps I would find someone to take to the show.

I was wrong. Things became increasingly hostile and adversarial through April, May, June...

Sometime subsequent to that ticket purchase I found out that a long-time friend of mine had bought a pair of tickets and her and her husband were going to go. I recall telling her, "Great, hopefully by that time, I’ll find someone worthy of taking to the show and we can double-date!" It didn’t happen as I was dealing with too much on the home-front. Fast forward to about August 16th, 2004 and hear my friends disappointment that I was probably just going to dump the tickets and bail on the show. She pleaded for me to go anyway, and while I don’t mind going to a show like that on my own, I just wasn’t feeling like it.

I was wrong. I really did feel like going, but finding a date at this late point in time just seemed impossible.

I come up with a goofy idea. I decided to post a request for a date on two message boards which I frequent, one run by a mutual friend. I requested a date. I promised no shenanigans, no games, no expectations of anything other than a nice night out without any bullshit... something I hadn’t experienced in quite some time. While I’m certain most initial reactions to this would be – "sad" – followed by a few chuckles, I have managed to convince myself that it was a pretty interesting idea and my expectations were that not one single soul would accept.

I was wrong. Someone accepted.

DW and I talked on the phone beforehand, exchanged pictures, and she agreed to take a chance. She drove to my home in the early afternoon of the 22nd. She lived 4-hours away, so I guess she really must have been hungry and wanted to see a show. She looked great. We talked as though we had been friends for years. In a sense, we were as we "knew" each other from these particular forums as we had both been members for a while.

Neither of us dominated the conversation. We knew we each had difficult personal circumstances and were careful not to let it be the entire focus of our discussion. Things were really nice. Our conversation lasted 2 hours before we headed out to a wonderful dinner at a great restaurant where the conversation continued for about another 2 hours. DW and I agreed that it was during dinner that something seemed to be "clicking" between us (a discussion had at a later date). The drive to the concert was even fun. We’re on a "date" and the two of us have reached a comfort level that saw us singing duets along with the radio in the car together and doing a lot of laughing. It was quite corny actually, but fun nonetheless.

At the concert, we’re walking to our seats and DW is on my right. As we almost walked past the tunnel, I made a sudden turn to go that way (to my right) and DW and I collided. Looking back now, my reaction was one of fear that she would think I was trying to cop-a-feel as I apologized profusely and she just grinned, perhaps telling me to relax. We made it to our seats, the concert starts and it was, as expected, and incredible show. We danced as much as we could given how close the seating situation is at a concert. I can remember looking at her almost all night and "wondering" what she was thinking, how she felt - the usual "first-date with no chance at a second-date" mind ramblings. When we talk about it now, I describe it as "looking in your ear hole the entire time" which she acknowledges she either felt or knew or saw. Whatever. Concert is over, more conversation in the car, though she does rest for a while on the way home. We end up talking until 3AM and she ends up staying over in the spare room rather than driving home 4-hours at that point in time. In the morning, I get up and make her breakfast, we chat some more and then she is gone. I had exactly the kind of date I had envisioned. Actually it probably exceeded my expectations in terms of just how wonderful a night out could be. A night without fear of an unprovoked explosion. A night without a single problem, complaint, foul language, paranoia... I doubted something like that would happen again anytime soon.

I was wrong. Surprised?

After a few days had passed, I contacted DW again, told her how wonderful a time I had with her and expressed hope that perhaps we could get together again sometime in the future. She agreed and the rest, as they say, is history. The long-distance portion of our relationship was born. At the time, the distance was a much needed buffer for one another from our respective situations, mine much more hostile than hers.

We were very forthright with each other regarding our personal circumstances and she had no expectations, but our subsequent meetings in the weeks after our first date were just as amazing in terms of having nothing short of a magnificent time together - mostly doing the simplest of things. The times we spent apart included hours of phone conversations nearly every single night. It was almost sick, we would even watch television shows together on the phone. Of course, our relationship accelerated way faster than either of us expected or (at times) perhaps we wanted. We both still had an incredible level of personal issues with which we had to deal, but the "runaway train" seemingly wouldn't be stopped.

Why do I feel she is so amazing? Well, besides her great looks, being an amazing lover, and her *ahem* sparkling personality... we both have made some significant sacrifices in our lives in order to support one another and be able to meet our children's needs. To try and have something that remotely resembled a normal life, relationship, and family. She’s an absolute joy to be around. Fun, funny, interesting, loving – the list goes on. She’s an incredible partner in every facet of our lives. She continues to have to deal with my ongoing custody circumstances and the PEW (and at rare times early on – her family) and assists me in that situation in every way she possibly can. She deals with my occasional anxiety, frustration, and fears in that regard. She does so willingly and sometimes - even that is tested. She does so because she loves me and my children and she knows I love her, SS1 and SD1. She does so because she cares immensely, in the face of incredible frustration of her own at times. She does so because she was wrong about her belief that there was anyone out there worth loving or who would love her in the capacity about which she so often dreamed.

Both of us desired to have a meaningful opportunity to leave the past behind and find a fresh future. Both of us believed it was no longer possible. We were wrong.

It’s still very hard for me (and others) to believe that where we’ve come from, where we are today, and whatever our future holds for us was born of a long-shot post for a "fun evening out" on a friend's silly message board.

The telecast that started this whole chain of events in motion...

I LOVE Your Site!

2008-09-07T17:56:00.004-04:00

Hi,

I ran across your site/blog while looking for information to help my fiance. We've been together for about 8 years now and have had nothing but hell from his ex wife, and recently she has nearly ruined our lives for the 2nd time, 3rd for my fiance. It's horrible what she's allowed to do, the things she gets away with, while the children have spent the bulk of their lives living with relatives.... while she collects welfare and child support, without the children benefiting from what she gets.

Sorry to ramble on. The whole story is a nightmare, something you would see in a movie and think... "That could never REALLY happen.. not in REAL life." We have a very modest income, I've not been able to work myself for several years now due to severe fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. It's such a long story, and I won't bore you with the details. I guess in a way I'm rambling because we are STILL in the middle of this hell and finding no way out. But I wanted to write and tell you how much your site is appreciated. It's so frightening facing losing what little we have because she supports a drug habit rather than her kids and pulls us back into court each time she gets desperate and needs more cash. Reading the entries and responses on your blog titled "Child support or state windfall" at least let me see that, as suspected, this problem is huge, an epidemic in this country, and the children suffer because of it....and the father suffers, and the only one in a winning position (at least in our case) is a woman who dares call herself 'mother' while stealing from her kids.

Anyway, thank you for your site and the stories and information therein.

Sincerely,
A.W.

You're very welcome, A.W. Thanks also to the readers and contributors to the site, stories, and articles. Without them, I'm sure that our place would be a bit less helpful.

~LM & DW

Childhood Obesity Crisis - The Beginning

2008-09-05T05:59:00.002-04:00

In the posts Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part I and Childhood Obesity Crisis Looms Part II, I provided details about the history and concerns regarding our diametrically opposed approaches to the children's diets, especially the types and frequency of snacking. It obviously became much worse after our split because, there was no ability to mitigate what went on when the children were with her.

The following demonstrates a clear example of how things were going to be. It reached a point where literally every single day that the children were to be with me, they would be delivered mid-afternoon with some sort of a snack just being finished up. What precipitated this email was a 4th consecutive day of them being dropped off with rather large ice-cream cones.

PEW,

I'm not asking you this to be a pain-in-the-ass. This is important and I hope that you will have no problem with it.

Today would mark the 4th consecutive time you've dropped the kids off immediately following a trip to get ice cream. I am asking you to please stop that practice.

#1 - It makes it incredibly difficult for me at dinnertime when they've had ice-cream at 2:30PM. I don't need that kind of problem when I'm trying so hard to get them to eat more of the right things and snack a little less.

#2 - It makes it more difficult for me to use an after-dinner snack as a reward for good behavior when they've had a snack like that already, and mere hours before dinner. So, not only does it make for a bad eating habit, it also undermines my work to give them an after-dinner snack when they've earned it.

If you feel you must give them an ice cream snack, please give it to them at lunchtime or something and not right before you drop them off to me.

Thanks.

~LM

It was August 16th, 2004. No provocative language. A straight-up plea for her to take more seriously the nature of what the kids were eating and, more importantly, when they were eating it.

Not only did she not reply. She didn't stop the practice. This is one of those classic examples of giving the high-conflict spouse and excuse to do more of what you would genuinely like them to not do. What sucks about this particularly situation, well - it actually did with most - was that it was to the kids' benefit. That didn't matter as long as it was something with which I didn't agree. That's the shame of it all. She just kept right on doing it and if you read the other posts linked in the opening of this one - you'll see just how bad things have gotten with S1.

PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned!

2008-09-04T05:20:00.001-04:00

As the madness began to escalate in the summer of 2004, I made an issue out of a movie that PEW took the children to see. The movie was Spiderman 2. I probably wouldn't have given it a second-thought until S1, then only 5-years old, told me about how scary the movie was and also showed me the "sexy kissing" he saw in the movie. When I asked him to show me what he meant, without a partner, he did a darn good demonstration of what a french-kiss looks like. Well, if a Saint Bernard was delivering one. It wasn't quite like the tutorial brought to you by Wiki-How on french kissing.

In any event, I hadn't realized that the movie was rated PG-13 by the Motion Picture Association of America. While I realize that I am more than likely in the distinct minority when it comes the types of movies that parents allow their young children to see, I don't think it's appropriate for children aged 5 and 3 to attend a PG-13 rated movie. From the MPAA:

A PG-13 rating is a sterner warning by the Rating Board to parents to determine whether their children under age 13 should view the motion picture, as some material might not be suited for them. A PG-13 motion picture may go beyond the PG rating in theme, violence, nudity, sensuality, language, adult activities or other elements, but does not reach the restricted R category. The theme of the motion picture by itself will not result in a rating greater than PG-13, although depictions of activities related to a mature theme may result in a restricted rating for the motion picture. Any drug use will initially require at least a PG-13 rating. More than brief nudity will require at least a PG-13 rating, but such nudity in a PG-13 rated motion picture generally will not be sexually oriented. There may be depictions of violence in a PG-13 movie, but generally not both realistic and extreme or persistent violence. A motion picture’s single use of one of the harsher sexually-derived words, though only as an expletive, initially requires at least a PG-13 rating. More than one such expletive requires an R rating, as must even one of those words used in a sexual context. The Rating Board nevertheless may rate such a motion picture PG-13 if, based on a special vote by a two-thirds majority, the Raters feel that most American parents would believe that a PG-13 rating is appropriate because of the context or manner in which the words are used or because the use of those words in the motion picture is inconspicuous.

This is not children's fodder, no matter what you see when you cruise through the movie theatres and the stuff that parents will actually take their children to see. In any event, I asked her in the aftermath of the kissing demonstration by S1 to cease and desist.

PEW,

So... S1 is telling me about a movie he and S2 saw with Mommy. And he tells me how he watched Spider Man. I'm thinking the cartoon or something, but then he tells me that he "knows how grown-ups kiss."

I ask him to show me. And (without a partner) - he does a pretty decent job of re-enacting a french kiss.

PEW... that movie is PG-13. PG-13 movies were pretty much "R" movies back in the days before PG-13 was made to get more kids in the theatre. In any event, a PG-13 movie is "inappropriate for children under 13." Just because they are accompanied by an adult, doesn't mean that they are suddenly appropriate. I would greatly appreciate it if, in the future, you don't take him and/or S2 to see a movie that is rated higher than PG. Even PG movies can have strong language.

Spiderman 2 was not an appropriate movie for the boys to go see. The level of violence and the adult situations in that movie are inappropriate for the boys. Use your head.

~LM

This early attempt at keeping things calm, cool, and collected was scuttled by my closing sentence. However, knowing PEW as we do, it really probably didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It wasn't a genuine concern. It was a criticism. It was calling into question her parenting. Therefore, it was an "ATTACK!" The barrage of replies is quickly underway.

LM,

Well, I won't be taking them to any more PG13 movies. But there was no french kissing in the movie, so maybe he saw that when you were watching your soap opera. Give me a break LM. Stop trying to find shit to bolster your custody case. You make me sick.

~PEW

Liar. That wasn't even really the issue. It was the level of violence that had me most concerned. Hell, the movie trailers were violent enough. Of course, this wouldn't be my only attempt to curtail inappropriate viewing entertainment as we saw with the whole WWE debacle earlier in 2008.

PEW,

a) He doesn't watch soap operas.

b) What he did was mimic a french kiss and tell me that you tried to cover his eyes.

c) The level of violence in that movie is the bigger problem with me.

Get a clue. All I asked is that you not take them to see anymore PG13 movies. Thank you for acknowledging that and agreeing not to take them to anymore of those movies.

Have a great weekend.

~LM

LM,

Please leave me alone. I am seriously trying to do my best. I have a tough job, rough hours, I take care of our kids FULL TIME. I was trying to be amicable with you but I am seriously doubting that you know the meaning of the word. Unless it is urgent and regarding safety, please address your concerns to [my attorney]. That is what I am paying her for.

I also took the kids to the [boat museum]. Should I have cleared that through you? How bout the hair cuts? I also bought S1 a new pair of sneakers. I took them [on vacation] this summer. To see Shrek II. We went to the Zoo. [We went to parks], swimming.....the list goes on and on. What have you done? Oh yeah, you've been on lock down at MY HOUSE all summer watching television. Living in my house, where I should be with MY kids.

You are a loser. LOSER. LOSER LOSER!

You're welcome......asshole. now hurry up and print this out so you can take it to court with you. Along with the past 5 years worth of "alleged" emails you have. Some husband you are.

~PEW

Pooooooooooooor PEW.

- Tough job, rough hours. That's the schedule she chose in order to put herself into position to leverage her alleged story that she was home full-time during the week to "care" for her kids. CHECK!

- The FULL TIME card is pulled. CHECK! (Nevermind pre-K, daycare, etc.)

- The "I'm trying to be amicable" delusion. CHECK!

- "MY" house. That house she rarely contributed financially to, unless you count amassing debt. The house she walked out of voluntarily. CHECK!

- "MY" kids. The kid-owner language of a vindictive ex. CHECK!

- Insulting, name-calling amicable language. CHECK!

Touch'em all, girl - you hit the Grand Slam!

And so ended the month of July in 2004. Who needs fireworks in July when you have a high-conflict soon-to-be ex-wife?

To Document or Not To Document (And When)?

2008-09-02T06:03:00.002-04:00

Despite the struggles experienced as we've walked this path of familial destruction, one thing that has been a tremendous help along the way is having documentation of the experiences, The Psycho Ex-Wife's behaviors, voice mails, you name it. Of particular help has been that documentation which is written by the PEW herself. While it has never had the "earth-shatteringly positive" effects I had often hoped it would have, it has helped, particularly when it came to defending myself against the never-ending and ever escalating accusations. Without it, it most certainly would have been my word against hers, the all-too-common "he-said, she-said" and when up against a person who can act and cry on a moment's notice and play the victim role worthy of an Academy Award - I would have suffered so much more, of that I'm sure.

We still live in a world where men are taught to treat a woman like a lady. By and large, that's not a bad thing to teach or learn. It becomes a societal problem when the people with whom you'll deal on a regular basis have been taught the same. No one goes about teaching children that in divorce & family court that a mother has the capability to use any means necessary to their advantage, no matter what. Attorneys, judges, conferences officers can be and often are - duped by the dramatic presentation, the flow of tears, and facing a mother who "only wants what's best for her children." She is vulnerable. She is in need of help. When you live in a world where it is generally accepted that men are always the predator and women are always the victim, dad is behind the proverbial 8-ball before proceedings ever start.

The personal issue with which you'll struggle - when do you start the documentation. Most people live their lives working to save loving, happy memories. They don't set out to save unhappy memories and bad times. It's unnatural. It's not normal. It's also difficult when you're doing so while continuing to try to work to save the marriage. You'll feel sneaky. You'll feel as though you're "setting her up." You'll also need to get over it. There is too much at stake to take a flyer on things working out or for things not to get so much more nasty than they have already been in your relationship and you're going to need all of the help you can make for yourself.

All I can tell you is what prompted me to begin the documentation saving: I started saving everything when I realized that I was not going to be able to improve things and that I believed that it was only a matter of time before the marriage would end. None of the counseling worked. Moving didn't work. Changing myself didn't work. It was one hurdle placed after another. Add to the mix the many times had actually left or threatened to leave during our relationship, and there was simply nothing else to conclude. It was going to end. It was just a matter of when. So, back in about the year 2000, I saved every nasty email and letter and exchange. I did so only because despite my belief that things had changed for the better for fathers (boy, was I wrong) - I knew her penchant for embellishment and flat-out fabrication was a finely honed skill. No one would believe any story I would tell them because her private persona was so radically different from her public one (well, excepting the rare public meltdown). I had no choice but to start saving the evidence that would either exonerate me from whatever accusations would be forthcoming and/or to show people the "real" PEW. Even with all of the documentation, there were disbelievers, I assure you. It will be a great challenge to show the world and expose a master manipulator for who they truly are. The fall-back position is being able to show the world who you truly are not.

History can be your friend if you are dealing with a manipulative woman. Chances are that you have known each other for a decent period of time. Over the period of your life that you have been involved with this person you should have had a chance to see her in action. Throughout your relationship she has probably learned how to push your buttons just as much as you have learned to push hers. This intimate knowledge can be turned into strength for you.

In terms of your relationship, healthy or otherwise, be conscious of her actions. More importantly, be conscious of your own! Realize what she is trying to do when she behaves badly or appears to be pushing you for a bad reaction. She may be doing her best to make you look bad while keeping a log of every wrong step you take. Any incident could just as easily come back to haunt you during the custody proceedings. In every situation, you must remain as calm and rational as possible. You must not escalate. Never forget, anything you put in writing can be used for the same ends. If you engage in long back-and-forths via email, always be the calm one. No foul language. No insults. No threats. You best always be doing the right thing no matter what. This is easier said than done and requires a great deal of self-discipline.

Whenever possible, turn the tables. Be very diligent about keeping a journal or some sort of record concerning her aggressive, manipulating, or baiting behavior. The tables are turned when you use her own attempts at manipulation to make her look bad and prepare yourself to have those moments come back to haunt her.

Like it or not, women have the decided advantage in a custody fight. Even a woman who is not normally manipulative has an advantage. If you truly believe that it is in the best interests of your child(ren) to be under your care, you must be realistic and know that the battle will likely get quite ugly. As seen in our guest column from August 24th, 2008, she may do things that you never thought she could be capable of. As sad a reality as this is, you will have to become manipulative in your own right in order to expose that "dark side" and accumulate the documentation you need to help yourself and your children.

A father has to do work very hard to come out of a custody battle with a high-conflict spouse and have any meaningful amount of custody of his children, let alone sole- or primary-custody.

When do you start saving the documentation? Only you have the answer to that question. Even in a perfect relationship, those few times where your partner went "off the deep end" and wrote you a vile nastygram, assaulted you and admitted it during an email exchange, wrote you about suicidal thoughts or actual attempts - whatever it is - it may be worth stashing away in an email folder. My choice came when, after years of struggling and trying to mend the ills within our marriage, I knew it was a lost cause. Fortunately, I had more than 4-years worth of documentation prior to her pulling the plug. Hell, even telling her from the outset of what I was doing and why never stopped her from going berserk. She still hasn't stopped to this day.

You may not be that "fortunate."

Trust me when I tell you that I know that this article is one that will be difficult to digest. Suggesting that one might consider saving such things, even in a great marriage, flies in the face of what we believe about hope, love, faith, trust... I've even had the bizarre thought that two people should have a mutual agreement to save such items. If nothing else, it could help to keep both parties rather civil during disagreements!

I'm very interested in seeing what your thoughts are on this topic.

Timeline 2004 - Part 2

2008-08-29T05:53:00.002-04:00

The 2nd-half timeline from 2004 continues from Timeline 2004 - Part 1.

In August of 2006, I had submitted to my attorney #2 a "timeline of events since the divorce process began" to try to get her up to speed. I also tried to coordinate this timeline to refute PEW's oft-repeated contention that I didn't care about the kids, just the money... an assertion that was clearly projection and could be supported specifically or through "circumstantial evidence" of her conduct (and the timing thereof).

The following timeline demonstrates the chain of major events and summarizes the motivation behind each. You will notice that PEW is consumed by continued negative engagement of me as she was throughout the course of our marriage. You will notice that the benefit of the children is secondary to the benefit of PEW and her desire to continue abuse and harass me as well as do things solely for her own financial benefit and my financial detriment.

• July 15th, 2004 – She contends that I want to be the primary custodian to avoid having to pay support. This, despite voluntarily giving her money until the details of the support order are worked out. Despite the fact that I wanted to do whatever was possible to maintain joint custody and keep things as normal as possible for the children. My position changed due to her increasingly aggressive behavior and the surprise notification that she had filed for custody of the children. Over the course of the next year – she often complains about money.

• July 23rd, 2004 she brings up the issue of sending S1 to Catholic School. I don’t agree with such a change, particularly since she and I agreed back in February and PEW registered him... that it was a good idea. Shortly thereafter, she filed for an emergency hearing on the issue. PEW initiates litigation.

• July 26th, 2004, I complain again (this time via email) about PEW dropping the boys off at 7AM, in their pajamas and unfed. She needs to do this to get to work on time but cannot afford to lose the “overnights” for fear of losing the child support. She responds unkindly. The issue was, she didn’t keep them overnight. She took the children, went out to a party, and left the children at her parents’ house. This is the extent that PEW will go to in order to minimize my time with the children and ensure she gets credit for overnights.

• July 26th, 2004 her first mention of switching to full-time day shift and mockingly mentions how much extra I will have to pay in support to her.

• July 31st, 2004 - I express to PEW that I was bothered by the fact that she took the children to see a PG-13 rated movie. Keep in mind that S1 was 5 and S2 was 3. The movie was Spiderman 2 and the level of violence and other adult situations were not suitable for young children.

• August 16th, 2004 – I send her an email about giving the kids ice cream before dropping the children off to me in the afternoons. It was becoming a daily event and it was undermining my ability to teach the children to eat right or even get them to eat a meaningful dinner. In a phone call response, she reacts harshly calling me names, as usual and telling me that she can do whatever she wants to make the kids happy.

• August 17th, 2004 – We have a short hearing regarding custody and are ordered to go through a custody evaluation. It’s at this time that PEW changes her mind regarding going to a full-time day shift, which is important to note as she uses her “availability during the full week to be with the children” as leverage during the custody evaluation.

• September 1st, 2004 – Court hearing before Judge K--- regarding where the children will attend school. Judge K--- ruled in my favor after hearing the details of the circumstances and S1 attended [Something] Elementary school as planned. S2 was “permitted” to go to pre-school at St. [Catholic School] if we agreed with that. We did. I return to work that morning. PEW left the courtroom extremely angry.

• September 1st, 2004 – While at work, hours later, I'm in an important meeting regarding a new start-up we're doing in [another country]. My cellphone rings and I look at the display... it's a phone call... from the marital residence. I remove myself to a private conference room and answer. It's PEW. She announces she broke into the house and that she is moving back in. She claims to have fired her attorney, broke her apartment lease and that's that. Unable to talk her out of leaving, I call the police, explain the situation and tell them that I am heading home and wish them to be present for the discussion. Discussion, cops, discussion... the police inform me that there is nothing they nor I can do to get her out since she's on the deed (no settlement yet). She can stay. So, I resign myself to the fact that, for at least the short term, we'll have to go back to living together and try to do it amicably. The children were present for all of this. S1 and S2 think that we're "getting back together" and even begin telling all of the neighbors that we’re “getting back together to be a family again.” This was a very difficult ordeal for the children to experience.

• September 2nd, 2004... I speak with my attorney, who suggests that I file a Protection From Abuse Order. I explain to him that I don’t think it’s a good idea, tell him about the suicidal overtures discussed by PEW the previous night, and tell him that I was afraid that doing so might push her to follow-through. Further, given the nature of her work, filing one could result in her losing her job which would put further pressure on her. Later, I go to the police station in [town] and describe the conversation that PEW and I had the night before where twice she made references to "wanting to end it all" and "if I lose these kids, I dunno what I'll do, probably kill myself." I tell them that I fear for her, my boys, and myself and that I suspect that she COULD even injure herself and try to make it look like I assaulted her. They take the report, I go home. We discuss the logistics of S1 getting off to school next week. I make some calls to adjust planned arrangements for after-school care which should no longer be necessary. She runs errands with the boys telling me that she is going back to her apartment to get the hermit crabs for the boys and some other things. Upon her return, I tell her that I am going into the office and she tells me to wait... she wants to talk about something. She sends the kids in the yard... and she announces she is moving back out. I get upset. I tell her that this charade is going to wreck these boys. She feigns an attack at me, in my estimation, to try to get me to put my hands on her... I retreat to my car across the street and she comes out in the driveway and at the top of her lungs (in an effort to try to get the attention of neighbors) goes into this disgraceful, expletive-laced tirade screaming to them "DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?!?" and she is unrelenting. In the meantime, the children are in the front window witnessing all of this. I just lean against my car waiting for the police again... (there is still nothing that they can do). While waiting, I asked her if she had brought the firearms that she stole from me (today was one of the many promised dates of the return of them). She then made the threat about the guns. During our exchange she informed me that she didn't break her lease and she did all of this on the advice of her attorney. The police arrive and they tell me that there is still nothing they can do, not even about the firearms because they are “marital property” as far as they are concerned.

• September 3rd, 2004 – Due to her behavior and attempt to start a physical confrontation, I feel I am left with no choice but to file the PFA that [my attorney] suggested the previous day. I follow-though on that. (Later, PEW would tell me that her actions were suggested by her attorney.)

• September 8th, 2004 – Hearing on the PFA. Prior to going to trial, PEW’s attorney makes an offer to settle the matter and agrees to turn the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department immediately. I get exclusive possession of the home, very specific exchange details, not stalking, abusing, harassing… and the well-being associated with the fact that, given her suicidal discussion, she will no longer be in possession of the firearms. Sometime over the course of the next two weeks, PEW informs me that Sheriff’s Deputies have been at her apartment looking for her and she asks me if I know what it is about. I discover that she hasn’t turned the firearms over to the Sheriff’s Department and that a bench warrant was issued. My understanding is that she had to go to court and explain why she hadn’t complied with the order to turn over the guns. Apparently, no sanctions were levied and the firearms were eventually turned over to the police.

• Between September and October of 2004, we attend multiple custody sessions with [Custody Evaluator 1]. She doesn’t want to review the evidence I have brought regarding PEW’s abusive behavior and inability to parent the children effectively. She doesn’t even consider nor does she want to talk about the circumstances surrounding the break-in at the marital residence with the children and the subsequent PFA, dismissing it as “lawyer posturing in a custody case.” PEW accuses me (without any evidence whatsoever) of being physically abusive, a drug abuser, an alcoholic, a philanderer, among many other things. In November of 2004, her recommendation comes in an it effectively relegates me to 6 days per month (during the school year), the children to go to school in PEW’s school district (despite Judge K---’s previous ruling). Part of her decision hinges on the understanding that PEW’s work schedule affords her full weekdays with the boys and the belief that my only reason for wanting custody is because PEW wouldn’t agree to settle on the house.

• November 2004 – On the advice of my attorney – I begin to negotiate with PEW for a more even custody arrangement. He tells me that the court relies “heavily” on the recommendation of the evaluator and that there was no possibility that we would be able to overcome her recommendation. Effectively, if we went to court, I would more than likely get what [Custody Evaluator 1] recommended. So, I followed his advice. Given the fact that this ruling effectively eliminated any chance of keeping the marital residence for the children’s sake and the sake of the best logistics for PEW and I to manage coparenting, we agreed (initially) on a 50/50 arrangement and to put the marital residence up for sale agreeing to split assets 50/50. This occurred on or about November 29, 2004. At some point during this time, PEW pays, on her own, to have the house reappraised. The appraisal comes back some $18,000 higher than when it was appraised in the Spring. She makes new demands based upon the new appraisal (more money) and it’s a figure I cannot accommodate.

• November 30th, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out between one another on assets. She decides that she wants the van and additional cash of $5000.

• December 2nd, 2004 – PEW begins to renege on the agreement we worked out for custody and asks for “more time” to reconsider before I have my attorney draw up the paperwork. She complains about her legal fees and how she feels she deserves more money. PEW threatens to initiate litigation. She regularly uses [Custody Evaluator 1's] custody recommendation as leverage to alter agreements between us. Whenever she didn’t get her way, she used filing for custody and using [CE1's] recommendation as a threat. This would continue over the course of the next month or so. At the end of this email exchange, she again agrees to the terms we had previously discussed on both matters.

• December 10th, 2004 – PEW informs me that [my attorney] will be getting back the agreement with some “minor” changes. One issue – instead of alimony ending immediately, she demands that it end when the divorce decree is entered so that she can continue to collect more money.

• December 16th, 2004 – I find out that the “minor” changes included reducing my time with the children from 50/50 to where I had them only 11 days per month (maximum). Additionally, she wanted me to pay alimony until the divorce decree was obtained (money). Further, there were addendums for me to pay for car repairs, essentially warrant the car she chose to keep with $5,000 cash for 90-days. I protested but was met with threats of litigation and use of [CE1's] recommendation, so I complied believing that 11-days was better than 6-days per month. She also said that it was not about money, it was about logistics and that she had no intention of filing for a support modification if that was my concern. (Shortly after the agreement was entered, she would do JUST that.)

• December 28th, 2004 – She sends me an email complaining about the Mercury in the snow and blaming me for her decision to take the car and the cash.

• December 30th, 2004 – More car complaints. First threat to take initiate a modification of support in the aftermath of our agreement because she deserves more money.

After starting out the first year of this mess with a "win" on the school issue (my attorney was excellent during that hearing), I was hopeful. However, my hopes were crushed as every step of the way I started to realize that not much had changed since my parent's divorce. I truly felt I had lost before I ever got started. The horrible experience with the custody evaluator only emboldened PEW to make ever increasing demands. As a result, my fears over total financial devastation and loss of the children increased dramatically and I was left scrambling trying to make the best of what was now a very bad situation - only getting worse. All the while, PEW was flexing her new found leverage with the Custody Evaluator's Report to continue to beat me into submission.

ADK Writes Again and it's Not Good

2008-08-28T08:16:00.002-04:00

LM & DW

Hi. I had contacted you over 6 months ago regarding our own PEW.

I am once again reaching out for help. Since our last e-mail to you, we have become engaged and plan to be married in 6 months.

Everything had improved for a while - we were doing parallel parenting and discussing NOTHING over the phone (since it's not documentable means of communication). We had stopped responding to her e-mailed rants and only responded with bulleted texts or e-mails regarding relevant matters on his three sons (9, 7, and 5). I guess she didn't like that very much, because 2 months ago she got a court-appointed parent coordinator. What might have had the potential to be a helpful situation has crashed and burned. The coordinator insists that the SMALLEST matter be solved in a face to face meeting between her, my fiance and the PEW. The PEW, craving contact with my fiance, relishes this and is constantly trying to bring up defining my role with her children, asking what the legal role of a stepmother is, etc etc. The parenting coordinator, who I am guessing was dumped by a husband in the past, indulges the PEW and will literally yell at my fiance. He has to go or he will be held in contempt of court. If he requests a new coordinator, there is a chance one could be a appointed that has binding decision-making authority. This one doesn't have that (Thank God).

The latest extravaganza is her telling my fiance through e-mail that their oldest son has been crying a lot lately and has been writing very dark and disturbing writings and artwork. He immediately texted to speak with her over the phone (since that is an emergent issue). She calls, and begins to say how the 9 year old wants to break everything in sight, "including our marriage", and that he's "suffering" because of us getting married, and that she has disturbing artwork and writings from him. My fiance asked her 5 times to provide him with these. She hedged each time. He has now asked her for 3 days, and all she will respond with is "I think he needs therapy, so if you'd like to sit down and meet with me......"

I am afraid she is going to hide behind a blown-out-of-proportion 9 year olds concerns about his father's remarriage to dictate whether I should come to school functions, sport functions, what my role should be, whether the kids should come to the wedding, etc etc

By the way, when this child is with us, it is all smiles and happiness, no tears, many drawings of us as a family with rings on my hand and my fiance's hand, cards saying 'I Love You," etc......

Any advice you could give on this matter would be greatly appreciated. We don't know what to do.

Thank you,

ADK

ADK,

Again, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I know it's no great solace, but your experience with the Parenting Coordinator is not as uncommon as you may think. I've seen stories eerily similar to yours.

Like many of the players in the divorce and family court arena, there are those with inherent biases, experiences, thoughts and solutions that simply don't fit a high-conflict personality such as your PEW's. These idealistic people believe that everyone is an adult and if we could all just sit down in a room together and speak rationally, there would no longer be problems.

Unfortunately, in your case as you've described it - your PC is facilitating a dangerous situation. Your PEW having unfettered access to your DH will never go away. It is the antithesis of "LOW CONTACT" and will forever be the vehicle by which she can maintain and even escalate her reign of chaos on the entire family.

Further, your PC is clearly overwhelmed by the situation, biased, and most importantly - completely unprofessional.

My advice: Fire the parenting coordinator. Regardless of the risks involved with the next one, this one is doing you two no good and is further making difficult your lives with her lack of helpful problem solving, lack of professionalism, and abusive tactics. The PC has literally become the negative advocate for your PEW.

My fear would be that by allowing this pattern of experience to continue, you end up in court, and the PC provides substantial support for PEW and contends that you are the difficult ones.

In closing - as for the "stories" about the 9-year old... I would disregard them unless you hear or see for yourself that such behavior is manifesting itself with him. Keep your eyes on the situation. If I had a nickel for everytime The PEW said that the boys "cried hysterically" and "hating going to you" - not only would I be rich, they wouldn't have as much fun nor appear to be the normal, well-adjusted kids that they are when they are with me. It's another weapon used to make you two doubt yourselves. Don't let it work. Talk to the boy. Tell him that you hear he is interested in art and writing and ask him to tell you about it - even share some with you. That's how you find out what's going on with him. Certainly the PEW is only going to paint a picture of worry, blame, and fear - even if it's complete fiction. Don't get sucked into the madness. Avoid her efforts to keep a high level of contact with DH. I have a 9-year old. They can be spoken to. They do respond. They will share with some kindness and patience.

Maybe the readers will have some more suggestions that may prove helpful or even better than my thoughts. As always - wishing you the best possible outcome.

Sincerely,
LM