Mr. Happy Crack

Good Thing He's Never Met Don Ho

2006-11-29T08:44:00.000-08:00

As Bart Simpson once said, 'showbusiness is a hideous bitch-goddess.' With Mr. Happy Crack's rising profile among the celebrity crowd, The Crack Team has decided to preemptively combine his name with the A-Listers with whom he's been rumored to socialize over the years:

Sheryl Crow = CrowCrack

Courtney Love = LoveCrack

Tommy Lee = HappyLee (we all love a bad boy)

Nicole Kidman = CrackMan

Queen Latifah = CrackQueen

Eva Longoria = LongCrack

Demi Moore = MooreCrack

Lucy Liu = Mr. Happy Lu

And, now that he's single, who can resist Mr. Kid Happy Crack Rock?

Mr. Happy Crack, Jared. Jared, Mr. Happy Crack

2006-11-01T12:29:00.000-08:00

The Crack Team is one of twelve companies selected to take place in the upcoming reality show 'The American Dream'. The show will follow a downsized corporate manager and his family as they decide to become self-employed for the first time. Along with all the issues that come with making such a life-enhancing decision, the show will give viewers a first-hand look at what's involved with buying a franchise. Companies from the food, retail, and service industries will be represented; pre-production for the show is scheduled for later this year. Based on the sucess of other reality shows, it's a strong bet that 'The American Dream' will be picked up by one of the major networks for the Spring 2007 line-up.

Is It in You? If So, Where Is It? And Should You Get It Out?

2006-07-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

Remember when having a drink of water required a cup and a kitchen sink? Those days are but a distant memory, now that bottled water is an $8 billion industry in America alone. So who's drinking all this? The Crack Team's research department has found that $7.5 billion of the industry consists of our very own Leaky Springs bottled water, a product only available to the tens-of-thousands of homeowners, Realtors and contractors who use our services. So where does the industry's other half-billion dollars go? We're not sure, but we think it's for a 24-pack of Evian purchased retail.

Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction

2006-06-06T06:50:00.000-07:00

This article was sent to us by a concerned friend. We'd like to assure our worried readers that no one, but no one, pushes Mr. Happy Crack.

Kids Busted Pushing 'Happy Crack' | Sploid, 5/18/06

The candied crack craze continues to blaze across the country. This week it claimed another 14 kids in Pennsylvania.

The kids call it "happy crack." Little bags of powder, a potent mix of Kool-Aid and sugar, that guarantees its user a rush like no other. It's been making the rounds at Shenandoah Elementary School. Administrators have finally busted the ring of dealers, handing out three-day suspensions to 24 of them.

The pushers' parents are furious.

"I have no intentions whatsoever of letting thing like this haunt my child," said parent Denise Brown Bey. "The principal did inform me that it was more than just my child. So my outrage is not simply because of my child but because of all of the children."

Bey fails to see the inherent danger of kids pushing this volatile concoction. She's more concerned with her child's future.

"If you see it in writing, he was suspended for 'Happy Crack,' and if you don't know what that is, lots of people will assume it's an illegal substance," she said.

School board member Erin Vecchio's children used to have a problem with Happy Crack. She believes it should be decriminalized.

"My own kids used to make it at school. It's Kool-Aid and sugar," said Erin Vecchio, a school board member. "It's colored. It doesn't look like drugs. It looks like Pixy Stix. I didn't find anything wrong with it."

Penn Hills Superintendent Patricia Gennari refused to comment on the suspension other than to cite school policy.

"The Penn Hills School District's controlled substances policy strictly prohibits, look-alike drugs and particularly the mimic of use and mimic of sale of these substances. The replication of the sale of drugs is a behavior that we cannot foster in our schools."

Last week a child at the same school was suspended for bringing a squirt gun to school.

Nip/Inject

2006-06-05T13:11:00.000-07:00

Paparazzi are everywhere, and we all know how they capture celebrities at their best and worst. Despite Mr. Happy Crack's water-tight security detail, a photographer from US Daily caught our mascot in a moment which reminds us that celebs have their cracks repaired 'just like us'.

Lest anyone think Mr. Happy Crack was captured in a compromising position, experts with The Crack Team advise that foundation cracks are common and easily repaired with a simple pressure injection. And if you think injections help Mr. Happy Crack's appearance, all we can say is 'they're real and they're spectacular'.

The Truth about Leaks

2006-04-17T11:19:00.000-07:00

Last week The Crack Team received a call from our nation's capital regarding a residence on Pennsylvania Avenue. Apparently the occupants of the House had a leak problem and wanted our professional advice. As it turns out, the leak was a bigger problem than the occupants originally thought and wanted it fixed before it became really damaging. Homeowners beware: please fix your leaks now. If not, you'll regret it later.

Announcing the 'No Crack Left Behind' Act

2006-04-16T18:00:00.000-07:00

Today The Crack Team's Board of Directors announced the 'No Crack Left Behind' Act, a program designed to ensure that cracks all over the country get the treatment they deserve. While many cracks have been ignored over the years, we feel it is our obligation to get behind every crack and bend over backward (and forward) to eliminate a problem that tears at the very walls of society's foundation. The Crack Team is looking for entrepreneurial individuals to assist with this noble cause; for more information, contact us at 866-905-5200. Together we can work towards keeping any crack from falling through the...well, you know.

The Same, Only Different

2006-04-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

In light of a recent feature in the Wall Street Journal, The Crack Team has received media attention from magazines, newspapers, radio shows, and blogs from all over the world. One of these outlets referred to The Crack Team as 'the Starbucks of crack repair', which we take as a huge compliment considering their branding success and household-name status. We're taking this compliment one step further by offering 'CrackBucks', a coupon you'll receive by requesting an estimate online! So grab your 'Grande Mocha Latte with a sprinkle of this and a schtickle of that' and request your free estimate today.

Lost in Translation

2006-02-16T13:16:00.000-08:00

With all the unrest going on overseas, it's nice to know people still have a sense of humor. Last month in Davos, our slogan gained some distinguished notoriety when a foreign embassy employee made a joke about 'a dry crack is a happy crack'. However, most of the foreign press heard it as 'a dr-iraq is a hap-iraq', a perceptable misunderstanding that created a humorous distraction among media and diplomats representing countries around the world. In today's tough geopolitical climate, even those with opposing views can sometimes share a laugh. And we have Mr. Happy Crack to thank.

Win a Date with Mr. Happy Crack!

2006-02-01T07:22:00.000-08:00

While Mr. Happy Crack has yet to make People magazine's 50 Most Beautiful People list (he was #52 last year behind baseball coach Don Zimmer, but ahead of The Rock), he has a loyal fan base that regularly showers him with gifts, letters, and the occasional piece of naughty-wear. So with Valentine's Day quickly approaching, we're announcing the 'Win a Date with Mr. Happy Crack' contest, which is designed to give his admirers a once in a lifetime chance to spend a romantic evening with our devastatingly luscious mascot.

Simply submit your answers to the questions below to winadate@mrhappycrack.com. The winner will be notified via email and details will follow.

What are your 3 favorite movies?

What are your 3 favorite books?

What would be your ideal evening?

What are your 3 favorite TV shows?

Do you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain?

Crack History Month

2006-02-01T07:16:00.000-08:00

As most adults and school children know, February is Crack History Month. Leading into the spring rainy season, February is the ideal time for homeowners to fix foundation cracks while simultaneously acknowledging the contributions of those individuals who have made a difference in the foundation repair industry. The deep and culturally relevant history of crack repair can be found at the Center for Repair and Concrete Knowledge (CRACK), a world-renowned consortium of foundation repair specialists from all over the globe. It should come as no surprise that this prestigious institute selected Mr. Happy Crack as the most influential person in crack repair, and we are honored and humbled to share this news with readers of thecrackteam.com.

Fics Your Cr@cks 2Nite!

2006-01-27T09:51:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't do business online these days? Let's face it, whether you want to Meet Hot Singles Tonight or you're a Nigerian banker representing the multimillion dollar estate of a late client, the internet is the perfect place for you. So as long as you're being productive online, why not check out thecrackteam.com?

You can request a free estimate through our easy-to-navigate site or view 'Facts About Cracks', a feature which answers common questions regarding cracked and leaking basements. Thecrackteam.com also offers officially-licensed Mr. Happy Crack apparel and gifts, so there's something for everyone to enjoy.

While we don't refinance mortgages, we can save you money on crack repair. And even though we don't sell pills to put some spring in your ding-a-ling, we think you'll find our site, um...uplifiting.

Give the Gift of [Happy] Crack

2005-11-21T11:29:00.000-08:00

Each Holiday season ushers in some 'hot' gift ideas that become all the rage. Some of this year's popular items include plastic surgery gift certificates, illustrated by the upswing in sales at the nationally-recognized 'Deer in the Headlights' Facelift Centers. And let's not forget those diamond-encrusted tooth-caps at Harry Winston, or the cuddly new 'Obscene Gesture Elmo' at FAO Schwartz.

But for those hard-to-shop-for folks, we recommend mrhappycrack.com. Here you'll find Mr. Happy Crack plushies for the kids, golf balls for the sports nuts and toilet paper for the mildly sick-in-the-head. And we'd be remiss if we didn't mention our best-selling t-shirts, onesies, thongs and bobbleheads, so visit our apparel section and this year stuff someone's stocking with crack.

Yppah Productions

2005-10-31T13:41:00.000-08:00

Most of us know Mr. Happy Crack as the internationally-beloved mascot of The Crack Team, but few people realize that he's built a business empire similar to the almighty Oprah. For example:

Like Oprah, Mr. Happy Crack is entering the publishing world by rolling out Modern Crack Magazine, which hits newsstands next week.

Like Oprah, Mr. Happy Crack's white-hot celebrity status continues to shine as he rubs shoulders with celebrities and Kings:

Like Oprah, Mr. Happy Crack's book club, titled 'Crack Open A Book', can bring overnight success to an author. Currently Mr. Happy Crack is recommending (and is repeatedly featured in) 'A Fieldguide to Homeland Stupidity' by Bob Holt, who Dave Barry calls 'a deranged human being and my absolute closest personal friend'.

And if that's not enough, Mr. Happy Crack is even introducing his own Clinical Expert on permanent crack injection work: Dr. Fill.

Will the similarities ever end?

Hey, Baby! Show Us Your...Umbilical Cord!

2005-09-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

We've all seen those late-night commercials for videos featuring girls going wild (although the name of the series escapes us at this time), but how many people know there are videos featuring babies going wild? The Crack Team secretly received some images from the series, and while we admit the images are a tad disturbing, we're quite impressed with the fact that all the babies are wearing onesies from our hot-selling Baby Crack Collection. Click here for the ultimate in baby-gear, and remember that our strategically-placed slogan on the back of the onesie serves as a constant reminder for one of the many parental doodies...we mean duties.

It's Raining Men...Who Repair Cracks

2005-07-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

Gene Kelly sang in it. Milli Vanilli blamed it. Burt Bachrach liked it on his head. But for most homeowners rain isn't always a good thing, especially if it's leaking through your foundation. Sure, Gene and Milli (or is it Vanilli?) and Burt probably don't have to worry about cracked basement walls, but for us regular shmoes it can be a huge problem. So if you like it purple call Prince. If you made it through it call Barry Manilow. But if you want it out of your basement permanently, call 1-866-CRACK TEAM.

Start Spreadin' the News

2005-07-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

Today The Crack Team announced the opening of their first New York location, serving the Long Island counties of Nassau and Suffolk. Mr. Happy Crack's agent/bodyguard, Sidney Crackstein, is excited to do business in the city that never sleeps, but he's even more excited to promote the New York Crack Exchange (NYCE), an online service exclusively designed to handle the specific needs of New York residents. Per Sidney Crackstein, 'We're delighted to offer our foundation repair services to this great area, and we applaud its citizens for their unwavering lack of patience and their bold "I want you here yesterday mentality."' So what are you waiting for? If you're from The Empire State, click here for fast professional service for your foundation crack repair needs.

Watch Out, Hef!

2005-06-10T18:00:00.000-07:00

The media spotlight has been shining brightly on The Crackettes, and their white-hot popularity is getting hotter due to some recent well-publicized appearances. We know Mr. Happy Crack has millions of fans around the world, but we admit to being caught off-guard by the stunning response to The Crackettes and all they represent (which we're still trying to figure out ourselves). Anyway, due to popular demand (and crass financial reasons), we're now offering the limited-edition official CRACK-ETTE t-shirt! These pink-on-black baby-doll Ts are eye-catching and feminine, and carry a surprisingly bold statement on the back! Order your very own Crackette t-shirt and start turning heads today!

You Want Crack with Those Fries?

2005-06-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Ah, summer. Shark attacks. People wearing Lycra who shouldn't. And of course, big budget blockbuster movies. These days no hyped-up cinematic masterpiece is complete without a sophisticated promotional tie-in, ranging from Yoda-Burgers to Angelina Jolie tattoo remover. But why should fictional heroes like Batman and Tom Cruise have all the fun? From now until August 31 2005, The Crack Team is offering a set of FREE Mr. Happy Crack temporary tattoos to each person requesting an online estimate. Our temporary tattoos are perfect for adults and children alike and will complement any summer wardrobe, whether it be Miami Vice or Miami Beach (white shoes and Angelina Jolie tattoo remover not included). Simply use the promotional code TAT1 when requesting your esimate.

Enquiring Minds Want to Know

2005-06-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

Recently Mr. Happy Crack's agent/bodyguard, Sidney Crackstein, gave a brief interview with IIM (International Icon Magazine) for their August '05 issue. Sure, the celebrity interview goes way back to the birth of tabloid magazines (see 'Gettin' Deep With Socrates, VS Weekly, Nov. 399 BC), but Mr. Crackstein's comments will surprise even the most gossip-hungry fans. It's an intriguing look at the life of Mr. Happy Crack, and it hits newsstands next month.

How'd That Get in There?

2005-05-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

In light of a nationally publicized incident surrounding a severed finger found in a bowl of chili, The Crack Team finds itself dealing with a similarly bizarre situation. A woman known only as 'Jane Doh' claims she recently found a finger in her crack and has contacted our corporate office (via her attorney) demanding a 'financial settlement commensurate with the emotional pain and suffering [she's] endured because of said finger found in said crack'.

Sidney Crackstein (Agent/Bodyguard for Mr. Happy Crack) wants to assure all of The Crack Team's customers that this woman's claims are bogus. We have evidence that just within the last year, Jane Doh has also 'found' a finger in her coffee at a national chain of gourmet coffee shops, and a finger in her ashtray at the country's biggest muffler repair chain. The Crack Team is well aware of the price we pay for being a famous brand but this was a surprise even for us.

Buy Me Some Peanuts and Crack...er Jacks

2005-04-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

We always knew Mr. Happy Crack was a player, but recently our famed mascot brought his game to new heights. Prior to the St. Louis Cardinals vs. Houston Astros baseball game on April 22nd, Mr. Happy Crack entered Busch Stadium with The Crackettes by his side to throw out the ceremonial first pitch (view gallery).

Usually reserved for Heads of State and Hall of Fame athletes, the first pitch ceremony was an honor we took seriously and our celebrity mascot did not disappoint. Mr. Happy Crack threw an almost-perfect strike to the delight of tens of thousands of fans in attendance, and then stayed on the field to take pictures with athletes, hot dog vendors and the occasional Crackette-wannabe. The event was a huge hit and drew national attention to The Crack Team and the immensely talented and oh-so famous Crackettes. Mr. Happy Crack also reminds his millions of loyal fans that Spring is the season for baseball and leaky basements, so request an estimate online or call 1-866-CRACK-TEAM for your foundation crack repair needs.

Divine Truth in Advertising

2005-03-31T18:00:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows a dry crack is a happy crack, but even we were surprised to see Mr. Happy Crack's words of wisdom on this sign. This picture was submitted via email by an anonymous fan; if you see Mr. Happy Crack and/or his slogan in an unusual place, e-mail us at sidney@mrhappycrack.com! Provide a name and contact information, and you'll receive $50 worth of free Mr. Happy Crack apparel if we use your submission.

Mascot Makeover

2005-03-07T18:00:00.000-08:00

This month's episode of the new cable hit Extreme Mascot Makeover makes two surprise references to Mr. Happy Crack! The show's premise involves mascots undergoing physical transformations to improve their appearance and well-being, and it was touching to see the Pillsbury Doughboy break down in tears and finally admit to 'being a fatty with a high voice.' The Doughboy wanted to lose his love-handles and requested '...a stomach and torso like Mr. Happy Crack.' Another segment showed Count Chocula holding hands with Franken Berry while pleading with his surgeon to give him 'a face like that sexy Mr. Happy Crack.' We also loved the scene where Aunt Jemima told her doctor she needed to 'lose a little junk in the trunk,' but no mention of our mascot was made. So for those of you wanting a fresh look this Spring, check out our new apparel items at mrhappycrack.com! It's cheaper than getting your facial bones chiseled out, and more fun than liposuction!

Mr. Happy Crack, Meet Mr. Oscar

2005-02-18T18:00:00.000-08:00

Is there anything more 'Hollywood' than the celebrity gift basket? Every award show gives them to stars just for attending these celebrity-studded events. Platinum watches, $2000 phones and stem-cells are just a few of the items found in some of the gift baskets we researched. And while it's not the Oscars, this year's West Hollywood Reel Films Committee (WHRFC) includes Mr. Happy Crack boxer shorts in their attendee gift baskets. While Mr. Happy Crack still hopes to make the Golden Globes (or at least Sundance), he knows he's in good company next to a Denny's coupon, three Band-Aids, and a Lucite replica of Sammy Davis Jr.'s glass eye.