kelly rae

calling all optimists, i need you.

2008-07-15T20:33:00.000-07:00

(i heart u 2 - a gift from my mom, totally comforting me this week.)

i'm sitting here with a knowing of uncertainty. i'm not sure how to start this blog post - in fact, i'm not totally convinced i should even write it, but a dear dear friend has encouraged me to be transparent, to admit my fears, get my heart out onto the world, and get on with it already. so, here i go. spilling. cracking open.

if you've been a long and steady reader here in this space, then you've likely heard me ramble from time to time about my pesky and persistent leg numbness. how i've journeyed through acupuncture, intense massage therapy, painful physical therapy and more - all in an effort to gain healing, mainly so that i could start running again. in all of these months, i never considered that the numbness could be something serious.

one by one, all of the above efforts/treatments have failed and the reality is is that i live in a world where i can't do simple things like walk up a hill, or quickly cross a street without a very odd sensation in my leg. i've learned to live with it, i suppose. and quite honestly, i've coped considerably well with it given how much it's changed my life. lately, though, my intuition has been tugging at me, insisting that i dig deeper and get to the bottom of the numbness.

last week i went to see an orthopedist. immediately, i knew i was just another 15 minute appt to this guy - you know how that goes. i mustered up all my social work advocacy skills and insisted on being taken seriously - that perhaps i needed an MRI. he resisted, said i was young and healthy and recommended more physical therapy. i pushed back, convinced him i wasn't an alarmist seeking unnecessary intervention, but rather a young woman with daily numbness in her leg. and i wanted the MRI. he reconsidered. i went in for a spine MRI the very next day.

unfortunately, the results of that MRI are a little alarming though not entirely conclusive. because of these results, i've been instantly thrown into an existence of referrals, three hour neurology exams, brain mri's, complicated vision tests, a lot of blood work, and more. there are no answers for me right now. just a ton of appts, waiting, navigating a huge and frustrating medical system, and several near panic attacks.

my heart is dropping, then in the next moment i'm back to equilibrium. then it drops again. the same is true for john.

i don't want to get into the specifics of what my doctors are speculating it could be, or why i'm having another MRI tomorrow evening, but i will say that the terminology and vocabulary being tossed around by my medical providers is quite hard and almost bizarre to hear. are they talking about me? really? is my entire life going to change or will they find an uncomplicated explanation?

i've never had this much medical care/concern in all my life. in one second, i'm tumbled over with dread. and the next i'm a supreme optimist, almost certain that all will be well. quite honestly, i think i might be a total mess, barely holding it together, yet doing a damn good job going about the day and staying busy while trying to trust that the medical people know what they're doing . i suspect this going back and forth in spaces of optimism and worry will continue until we have some clarity.

in the midst of all this, i've been afraid to spread concern to my family + friends. what if it's nothing? what if i'm creating drama where none exists? but the truth is this: no matter what happens, or even when the answers arrive, i can't change where i stand today. and where i stand today is a place of being scared while at the same time keeping it all together. and it's very, very hard for me to see john worried for me - this is huge in my i'mgoingtoloseitanyminutenow.

i'm reaching out today to ask again for your light/prayers/thoughts/good juju and whatever space you can hold for me and john this week. we are doing the best we can, but sudden and unexpected possible outcomes are throwing us for a loop.

and i also want to say this: trust your intuition. be your own best advocate. insists on aggressive diagnostic testing - even when you're faced up against an establishment whose main concern is lowering their costs and not ordering expensive tests, like MRI exams. our intuition is our most powerful guide, if we allow it to be.

i'll be back soon with more information. i'm hoping for the best. i really am.

renegade, ups + downs, and feeling proud

2008-07-13T11:15:00.000-07:00

(totally in love with this new tote, made by the lovely eleen)

so much going on these past few days, but a highlight was going to the renegade craft fair in san fran yesterday with katrina. oh my. it was amazing - imagine a huge warehouse full of indie crafters, sellers, buyers, and the most amazing handmade goods around. katrina was right when she described it a huge store of etsy sellers and their art + craft. it took us the entire afternoon to make it through the entire fair. heaven.

what i loved most about the event was this: the community and talent. i felt so proud to not only be supporting these crafters but to also be a part of this extraordinary diy movement. i loved all the business savvy, the cuteness, the genuineness, the honesty of the handmade goods. totally blew me away and i loved the collective energy of it. how passionate people are to be creating and selling, but also how passionate we are to support it. makes my heart totally warm and mushy. i will definitely do it next year as a seller, for sure.

(pals mati and hugh's booth at the show was totally crowded. i was lucky enough to walk away with this beauty from mati and a tshirt from hugh)

if money weren't an issue, i would have walked away with armloads of adorable sock creatures, unique jewelry, original art, letterpress goods, silk screened fashions, and so, so much more. i did, however, walk away with a couple things i just couldn't resist as you can see in my pics.

here is a small list of some of my favorite renegade crafters this year:
figs and ginger
hilary williams
fernworks
michelle caplan
i'm smitten
sonnenzimmer
sprout studio

in other news, i am up and down. excited about some things. and totally worried about others. in the mix are deadlines, creative urges, and feeling the enormity of life and how i really don't have as much control as i think i might. inside all of the unknowns, i feel supported in my amazing and expanding collection of community. i really do. and i'm thankful for that. i'm also thankful for the companionship of my man and my dog. john completed his oral board exams last week - a ginormous task that had him studying like i've never seen anyone study before - for months our apt has looked like a medical library with books that are deep and wide and heavy. it's a huge relief that it's not only over, but that he feels good about his performance. i am incredibly proud of this man and all that he is creating for himself and for us. my heart is huge. and so is his.

wellness, gratitude, and a book

2008-07-08T20:23:00.000-07:00

(there is beauty everywhere, even in sidewalk cracks..)

mom is on the mend and she will be just fine. breathing a huge sigh of relief around here as i was quite worried. still a mystery what was/is going on but she's getting better, and will likely be back to work and craft in a couple of weeks. thank you again for all the wishes for wellness. don't know what i would do without my mom. she is very much in the center of my (and my sister's) life (in the best of ways). just like most moms and daughters, we've all been thru a lot together and are each others greatest fans :)

i will say, though, that the distractions continued today with more studio time, lunch with mati, a mini celebration with andrea, and several hours of reading my very own book, cover to cover. yep, you heard that right. the advanced copy of my book arrived today! people, it's gorgeous. totally gorgeous. and i have all the people at northlight books to thank for it. yes i do. i am thanking my bootie off for so much today. for wellness. for moms. and for editors who i adore. for book designers and contributing artists and for indexers and copy editors and on and on. i was worried i might be too critical of it (we are, afterall, our own worst critics), but really i just loved the experience of seeing it in my hands, holding it close, and actually reading the words i worked so hard to write. and i cried at the end. the last paragraph particularly tugged on me.

so yes, the week is turning into thankfuls. i am so grateful for all of it.

hopeful wishes and distractions...

2008-07-07T20:17:00.000-07:00

you guys, thanks so much for the well wishes. i've been chatting with my mom throughout the day and she is hanging in there. more doctor visits, more tests, lots of waiting and resting, and observing. nobody is sure what's going on, and the truth is is that we may never know. at this point, it's not getting worse, and this breathes a little sign of relief. even so, i am this close to hopping on a plane. as anybody who has ever had a medical scare knows, the hardest part is the not knowing and the waiting. and for me, i've had the unfortunate luck of being very far away from my loved ones when the bad news arrives. john had a very scary diagnosis many years ago and when i received this bad news via a phone call from the doctor's office, john was many hours away on a backcountry trip, miles and miles deep into the snowy wilderness of the wallawa mountains. of course, he was without any access to the world and i was without any access to him. it was the worst day of my adult life as i received the news alone and immediately began to awfulize about the outcomes. of course, all is perfectly well now (thank you, skilled doctors), but the experience of being far away from loved ones in times of crisis has come up again for me this week.

i'm very, very hopeful all will be well. for those of you who know my mom (many of you met her at artfest this year where we celebrated her 60th birthday), then you know she's one sassy redhead and i have a feeling she'll be back to her energetic self soon. i'll keep you posted. and please keep the love/prayers/thoughts/light coming - i totally believe in this stuff.

today, i completely distracted myself with a trip to the post office (all international orders have been shipped!), and to the grocery store, and a 2 hour long phone conversation with my bff. but before all of that i spent a few hours in my brand new studio space that i'm sharing with one fine lady. how lucky am i? i'm planning on keeping the distractions coming all week long...

2008-07-06T23:59:00.000-07:00

i received a call from my stepdad today. "i had to take your mom to the hospital this morning." and my heart paused with disbelief. i was alone in the kitchen, fear muting my words.
.
.
.
for the first time in her life, my mom was sent to emergency room by paramedics this morning. she spent the entire day getting IVs, tests, and more tests. eventually, she was sent home without any conclusive diagnosis, and the waters are still muddy. i know she is frightened and quite worried. and to be honest i'm very, very concerned and walking the very fine line of panic. my heart breaks that she is 3000 miles away and that i'm not with her at this very moment. if you don't mind, could you please send a wish/prayer/love/whatever you want to call it in the direction of my dear mom? i would really, really, from the depths of my heart and soul, appreciate it.....more soon.

change is in the air....

2008-07-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

i'm figuring out how to make this blog have 3 columns. bear with me... all the sidebar goodies will be back very, very soon.

update: i am in love. with this new template. a HUGE thank you to relyn who led me to montserrat who led me to the best and most simple tutorial ever on how to switch up the ol' blog template. i was soo close to switching over to typepad but now i'm here to stay. thank you! (let me know what you think!)

in other news, i'm so happy to share with you.....

(mati + me, photo by andrea scher)

for all of you attending Squam in september, i'm thrilled to announce that mati and i have cooked up something quite special and we so hope you'll come and join us on what we know will be one very special evening...details here! this is exactly what i'm envisioning for myself...talking, sharing, learning...all in company of other creative women. a huge thank you to blue poppy for dreaming this up and asking us to do it. i'm over the moon about this!

blooming...

2008-07-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

(blooming, half way in, half way out - such a metaphor)

been struggling my way thru moodiness the last couple of days. it's been coupled with happy, frenetic phone calls, a rush of energy and activity, and then a flopping of self. blah. unmotivated. you know how it goes. pms. enough said. but even still, i love the blooming of ebb and flow, the halfway in, halfway out - i am feeling most certainly this way lately. testing some waters, keeping my heart peaked out just so. until i know i can fully relax.

speaking of techincal difficulties, may i ask if there is anyone out there who might be skilled at blogspot html? i have visions of revamping this space (not too crazy) but have no idea how to go about it and i think it may be time to ask for help. dearest help, are you out there?

the last giveaway winner is: chrissie grace!! chrissie, get in touch with me so i can get your goodie out to you!

oh yes, i sent out a newsletter yesterday with an announcement that the shop has been updated with new magnets (the large magnets have since sold out, but smaller ones are still available here, if your interested!). the other big annoucement in the newsletter was that i'm now setup for wholesale. if you're interested, let me know!

bottlecap wisdom (a beer bottle nonetheless)...

2008-06-29T23:15:00.000-07:00

another magic moment. another message from the universe. another lesson i could learn over and over. lose the drama. amen.

travel lust

2008-06-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

this shot was taken a couple of years ago - you can barely see me, but i'm there on the left with my down jacket (i call it my puff daddy jacket) tied around my waist. i'm looking over a cliff where down below rests a perfect little cove of a beach, a favorite surfing spot for the local oregonians, including john. we spent a lot of time here, and i miss it terribly. this is this oregon coast. magical. exquisitely gorgeous. moody and mysterious. i'm heading back to this area for a bit of a vacation - a gathering with some dear women in a few weeks, and i can barely wait.

hope you all have some some summer adventures, even if local (sometimes those are the best vacations, no?) up your sleeves. would love to know where you're heading...or maybe your dream of all dreams of places to go (mine would be back to italy or new zealand!).

today is the last day of the giveaway. enter a comment to enter to win. this has been so much fun - thank you again for all the sharing and kindness. i've so enjoyed getting a peak inside your lives this week. thursday's winner is jen lee! jen, get in touch with me and i'll have your print out to you soon!

postcards!

2008-06-26T22:17:00.000-07:00

introducing....postcard sets! now for sale over in my etsy shop. many of my out of town friends know how much i love to send postcards. i just do. they're quick and friendly and i can be sweet and short and to the point which is often: i miss you. not sure why i haven't thought of offering my own postcards before (have i mentioned that i'm sometimes slow to catch on) but here i am, doing just that.

i spent the day as a social worker in radiation oncology. whenever i'm there i meet brave, brave souls, showing up for their lives in the most serious of ways, yet some with such perspective and clarity and ease and humor. i answer their questions, counsel them, meet with their families, provide resources, and simply try very hard to be a speck of goodness and helpfulness in the span of their visit. at the end of the day i leave the building more thankful, more saddened, more uplifted, more heavy, more persuaded by humanity and courage. my social work roots, as conflicting as they are to me sometimes, still inform everything i do. and i'm really thankful for that.

other thankfuls:
for tv, specifically so you think you can dance? totally hooked.

for all of your comments this week. you guys are sweet and kind and honest. thank you.

for my mom who left an enthusiastic voice mail for me today after receiving a special something (hi, mom) in the mail.

for brand new pajamas given to me by my bff last week. i have a tendency to hold on to pajama sets for years and years and it was time to finally let my beloved raggedy set go and embrace a new, cleaner pair of pjs. thank you, gina!

speaking of pajamas, i'm in my new ones right now as i type this post from my living room, sitting on the red couch, bare feet propped up on the leather chair in front of me. it's dark, and my farsighted vision is very, very tired. where are you right now? i'd love to know the scene....

wednesday's giveaway winner is: stephanie alaine!!! stephanie, get in touch with me so i can get your print out to you! givaway continues for just two more days. enter a comment to enter to win. i'll draw today's winner (as i'm writing this so late, almost midnight) tomorrow evening.

everyday magic.

2008-06-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

(the lovely hula and mati, taken today in san fran)

it's been happening so much lately. everyday magic. coincidences. little moments that have me pausing in reconsideration. it happens when the same double digits appear several times throughout my day or when numbers repeat themselves in such odd, suspicious ways inside the space of my weeks. it happens when the phone rings and it's a friend whose number i was dialing at that very moment. it also happens when i think about how nice it would be to find the perfect table for my new studio space (the new one i'm sharing with a friend) only to find the exact same studio table i currently have (but won't be able to move) for sale on the neighbor's lawn the very next morning. all i can say is that everyday magic has been happening a lot lately. lots and lots of paused moments of hmmm. i know you know what i'm talking about and don't you love it when it happens?

but the best of all the recent everyday magic happened today. here's the story: i spent the day today with mati and hula (who is in town from portland). we spent hours chatting, eating, and roaming the streets of the mission looking at murals and all the sights. toward the end of our visit we were all walking down a sidewalk cluttered with random trash. you know, the general sidewalk trash that exists in all urban cities.: old newspaper pages, dirty paper plates, endless bits of crumbled paper. anyway, we're all walking down the sidewalk when mati yells out "kelly!" and there is is: a very, very old business card. oh wait, it's my business card. in fact, it's my first ever business card. and here it is in the middle of some random san francisco sidewalk, in a city of millions, right here at my feet, waiting for this exact moment of collision. it's the oddest thing ever. it's magic. later, as we marveled at how in the world it happened and the odds of it all, mati pointed out that perhaps it's a full circle moment of my beginnings coming around again for a closer look. i had, just yesterday, blogged about beginnings and this was, afterall, my very first business card. so true and a lot of hmmmmms. i love that there it was, reaching out for me to find it on a very windy day in the city. so random, yet so not random at all. again, magic. love it.

(here it is. so funny.)

more magic from my day was meeting the gorgeous hula and her family. she is just as her blog shows her to be: vivacious. down to earth. accessible. witty. talented. oh yes, and she lives in portland...we will be seeing more of each other for sure. what a lovely woman she is. one thing i do love is meeting other bloggers. talk about magic.

what's been your everyday magic lately?

tuesday's giveaway winner is: michelle m (from illinois). michelle, get in touch with me so i can get your print out to you! giveaway continues for the rest of the week. enter a comment to enter to win. i'll draw today's winner tomorrow evening.

thoughts on beginnings..

2008-06-24T11:24:00.000-07:00

been thinking about how vulnerable i feel sometimes when i meet other people who mention that they read this blog. anxiety creeps in. nerves flush my cheeks. and i get a bit shy. i feel the enormity of my fumbles, displayed here for all the world to see. i feel the growing pains of emerging into my 30s, displayed here for all the world to see. but mostly, i feel the awkwardness of my creative beginnings, displayed here in my archives for all the world to see. this is the part that makes me flush with a bit of embarrassment - the idea that my journey into the creative life has been played out in this very space - from the first painting i ever painted to the first art retreat i ever attended to my first gallery show to all the inbetweens. sometimes, if i'm being perfectly honest, it makes me cringe just a tiny bit in pure embarrassment. but even still, there's a reason i haven't deleted my archives. it is this: it's all a part of my story, beginnings and all. especially beginnings. it's the beginnings, just like in any love story, that hold all the beloved drama, the delicate insecurities, the passion, the longings, and the intense grips of inspiration - no matter how awkward beginnings are, they have such beauty, the start of incredible paths of flight.

my personal journey from my creative beginnings to now (which often still feels like a beginning) has been less than graceful but i am learning to embrace the vulnerabilities of all that is shared in this space, the very things that make me just another girl who is learning, stumbling, creating a life for herself doing the thing she loves, and who is celebrating all that exposed awkwardness as a means to growth, and love. it all matters.

monday's giveaway winner is: kelly valentine!!! kelly, get in touch with me so i can get your print out to you! giveaway continues for each day this week. enter a comment to enter to win!

a giveaway and more....

2008-06-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

great weekend. totally grateful for john - he loves celebrations as much as i do and birthdays are a favorite around here. he surprised me with this gorgeous gorgeous piece (the orange one) that i've been keeping my eye on. oh my, i've loved diana's stuff from the moment i laid eyes on it months ago. but my most treasured gift this year (and every year) is the card john fashioned for me out of my stash of collage papers. i can just picture him....sneaking into my studio, scrounging thru my piles of stuff, finding the perfect papers, the fancy scallop scissors and more to create a one-of-a-kind card with the sweetest, kindest words. i'm a lucky girl.

i wanted to share some tidbits, including a giveaway that will last all week (!):

1. my dearest pal mati has collaborated with kristen from moodswing to create the most amazing necklaces. seriously, my heart lept when i saw these and i immediately began the process of choosing one when i really, really wanted them all. lucky for me, mati gifted this beauty to me for my birthday. i am in love.

2. the delightful christine of maganda (who i met way back at the girly show in LA) is offering up a lovely print in an effort to raise money for the send christine to squam fund. great idea. check it out!

3. speaking of squam, i'm totally going!! i have more to share on this (a bit of a surprise) soon, but i am so so so excited to be going to this event and to see old friends and meet new ones, too (i have a feeling a million bloggers will be there, no? will you be there?). i spent some time with elizabeth at artfest this year, and she is a woman who deeply inspires me on many levels. funny. insightful. sassy. smart. it's been so cool to watch this dream of hers unfold.

4. i've swiched up my blog sidebar. i'm loving all the color squares over there (instead of text links). i've included the books that changed my life, music i can't get enough of, and favorite decor/craft books. you may also notice the sponsor links. if you're interested, send me an email and i'll send you more information. i love the idea of creating a special place for others to get the word out about their blog, or etsy shop, or website.

5. i get quite a few emails each week from folks wanting to know the exact equipment i use to create my prints. so, to make it easy, i've included this information on my sidebar, too. i hope it helps. soon, i'll also include some more links on favorite paints, papers, supplies (if this is helpful).

6. and finally ----> there is so, so much to celebrate that i'd like to offer up and entire week of giveaways as one big collective thank you. thank you for birthdays. for supportive women in my life. for etsy orders (somewhere along the line i surpassed 1000 items sold). thank you for heatwaves that had me sleeping directly in front of fans. for dinners on rooftops. for heartrocks and seaglass. for a husband i adore. and so much more. thank you, life. you are so dear.

this is how it'll work: every day this week (mon-fri), i'll post a blog post and every day i'll draw names from the pool of comments. each winner receives a print of their choice from the shop (matting and shipping included). i think this will be fun. it's been a long while since my last giveaway and it's time. it's time....giveaway begins today!

xoxo

a birthday weekend...

2008-06-20T22:10:00.000-07:00

hi there. just wanted to pop in and say hello. i turned 33 years young today. been celebrating all day with ocean walks, searching for seaglass and rocks, naps in the shade at golden gate park with my man, and festivities and meals in little italy. good times. i think the 30's rock it and i'm so, so happy to be here.
a special sidewalk in san fran delivered this to me today - i thought it was perfect. a little birthday hope note, perhaps? love this idea of writing messages on large pieces of tape and posting them all around. great idea.

2008-06-18T22:55:00.000-07:00

my head is spinning with what i want to say...

i want to say that i was invited to teach in australia this week and how unbelievable that felt. i want to say that i said yes, but after initial happy dances and then more careful soul consideration, i said no. i want to say that i'm likely crazy for making this decision but that i'm learning to follow my heart and my heart continues to ask, "what is it you really want to do?" and the answer is this: i want to teach, but only inside a collaborative effort with my creative friends (such as our italy trip coming up this fall). my heart is also telling me this: outside of teaching project oriented classes, i want to consider writing my heart out into words and then delivering those words perhaps in speaking opportunities, perhaps facilitating heart and soul conversations and discussions with other creative women. i want to write my story but even more, i want to tell my story which feels wonderfully personal and universal all at once - how any of us can truly and honestly follow our creative bliss into a real and true existence. i know the words and the speaking would be tremendously terrifying for me but this idea sounds frightening in a good way. i'd say it's mondo beyondo. big dream. of course i want to keep creating, too - i'm about to move into a new studio space with a couple girls and i couldn't be more excited about it - i'm really curious if i'll be more productive having a creative space outside of my living space (i'm thinking so).

back to australia...i'm not sure about the rest of you but sometimes i really struggle with diciphering whether or not i'm resisting something because im simply afraid of it or if i just don't want to do it because my heart is somewhere else. this is where the soul listening comes in. i absolutely celebrated the invitation - what an honor. maybe one day i'll make it there. they are amazing people (thank you guys, if you're out there, for your support)!

in other news...i have been slowing going thru all the boxes that arrived this week from the publisher. they are full of the book's actual artwork - i was nervous about seeing it all again (it's been awhile), but the memories are flooding in from 2007 when i spent so many evenings up until 1am (sometimes 3am) writing and painting for this book. what an experience. i hope you guys love the artwork inside this book as much as i do. it's all work that has never been seen before and made specifically for the book. i want to say a special, and HUGE thank you to judy wise, swirly, mati, stephanie, jennifer, dj, and laurie for each contributing amazing, amazing work to this book - you will be blown away by what they did. i can't wait to show you!

and can i just say that i went to my first ever professional soccer game this week and guess who was there...so cool.

thoughts on funny little neuroses...

2008-06-16T14:19:00.000-07:00

(wonderfully funny street art sent to me by my nyc friend karen)

i wanted to share a bit of a story:

when i was 10 years old a fellow fifth grader made fun of my legs as i walked home from school one day. i'm not exactly sure why he was making fun of my legs (they were, i believe, normal fifth grader legs), but i remember being incredibly sensitive and most definitely embarrassed about the whole thing. what was wrong with me? did i look weird? am i chubby? i was wearing a pair of green shorts that particular day with a cute tropical patterned shirt that matched perfectly. it was 1985. turns out, i wouldn't wear another pair of shorts until 23 years later. clearly, i needed an oprah intervention for my neurosis. to grow up in florida and not wear shorts was a tremendous effort, by the way.

last week, i finally overcame my very nonsensical fear and not only bought, but wore a very cute pair of brown walking shorts. i loved them so much that i went back and bought three more pairs in yellow, green, and tan. for the last two weeks i've been wearing them nonstop with all my cute shoes and tops and feeling quite sassy if i do say so myself! i'd like to take this moment and thank one of my favorite tv shows, what not to wear, for showing me the way, for convincing me that i too could look cutiefied in a pair of walking shorts. oh, the fears we hold onto!
if i stand back and really think about this, there is so much to celebrate. i often talk about doing the things we don't think we could do - how doing them can help unearth some of the best parts of ourselves. what i learned last week was this: that our particular thing can be as tiny and seemingly insignificant as clothing. or it could be as significant and huge as finally dismissing one little comment from a nameless/faceless 10 year old boy whose words held tightly to my heart for many, many years. i learned that there is always something, whether it's huge or tiny, that we can do to create or perhaps uncover shiny new pieces of ourselves. these moments, these pieces, are waiting for us. it doesn't have to be a huge big event. it could be as simple as putting on a pair of summery yellow shorts...everything is significant.

now that i've been skipping around in my shorts, i can't tell you how utterly silly i feel for waiting all these years. and how finally getting over myself has given me a whole new perspective (and wardrobe).

so yes, i say let go. let go. let go.

believe!!

2008-06-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

just want to say how proud i am of friends liz elayne and stephanie lee for conquering the farm chicks show this weekend (i SO want to do it next year). and to pal mati rose for being featured as the next big thing (she is SO the next big thing!). and to swirly girly for her book release soon (she's also featured in my book!). i am always amazed at what the women in my life are doing. so, so cool.

would love to know what small (or big) celebrations are in your world this week. i love celebrations. i really do. i celebrate anything and everything, even the tiniest accomplishment. they all matter.

thank you, somerset life!

2008-06-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

so, it's extremely hot and humid here in florida and a trip to the very air conditioned craft store was in order. when we arrived, i caught a glimpse of one our favorite magazines: somerset life. i was so excited to see it. why? because i had heard a rumor that my one of my mom's creative ideas was featured but we've both had a hard time actually finding this particular issue for sale. we quickly looked for her idea and there it was. pages 44 + 45, titled creative living idea #26: cozy pocket. we both squealed in delight the way moms and daughters do and it was a great little moment. thank you pam and jenny, for making this happen. super cool.
i spent the entire day yesterday with bff kimmie and her adorable 2 year old baby. kimmie and i have actually known one another since the 7th grade but never really connected until years later in college (she thought i was dense and i thought she was stuck up - funny how judgemental we were as teens). once we connected, we became fast friends and my life has been forever richer because of her. she is, hands down, the silliest woman i know. well into our 20's we were still making up very stupid skits that only we thought were funny - we'd spend a lot of time laughing without sound which we also thought was very hilarious. a few years ago we were both in LA at her older sister's house when we were in the middle of one of our silly moments. her sister's friends looked at us a little confused when kimmie's sister finally interjected: "oh don't pay any attention to them. they have their own silly language." it's true. we do. and i love it.

more soon from florida. i am feeling totally refreshed and with perspective the way that traveling gives us - i feel so far from my life (in a good way). i'm also spending so much time with families - something that i just don't get enough of back home. i keep having visions of me as a mom, john as a dad, and how that would look like for us: totally dreaming here.

i have some great news to share when i get home, too. totally excited. xoxo

vacation in florida continues...

2008-06-08T18:21:00.000-07:00

meet my parents: greggie and carol. aren't they cute? they started dating when i was 14, married when i was 16 and the rest is living history. they are a great match for one another in every way and it's been really wonderful for me to be here and watch retirement life begin to unfold for both of them. this photo was taken the evening of his retirement party - where a very large amt of friends came out to celebrate and cheer him on. i'm learning how fun it is to grow up and sort of witness your parents grow up, too. to watch their life bloom and change and expand. i especially love watching all their friends surround them in admiration and support. i hope i am so lucky one day...

as promised, here's a sneak peak into their home. my mom, as you can see, has some serious skills when it comes to decorating a house..
the bedroom - probably my favorite room in the house. love the white beadboard and beachy feel of the colors. love how she uses actual buttons on the wall to accent things like the small painting on the right. she had greggie make the distressed shelf above the bed to hold meaningful bits.
the sunroom. love how it's dressed in shades of white and cream. there are so many lovely details in this room that it's hard to capture. notice the heart hanging from the cupboard - a jennifer valentine (my sister) original..
this sits on the dining room table. she made this little guy her own by dressing it up with beads and a crown of buttons. notice more buttons on the wall in the background (left). cracks me up.
i am in love with this large painting above the fireplace. it's a local artist. i need to find out who it is.
my bff gina came down from atlanta for the weekend for some serious girlie fun. we stayed for hours at the spa where we lounged and ate after massages. we completed the day with a visit with another girlfriend, a trip to the make-up counter, then another viewing of sex+the city. good times. good times. this is us at the retirement party being silly. we've know one another 21 years. she has been a major witness in my life. good times and hard.
and the man of the hour: my stepdad greggie. he is the most gentle man you'll ever meet. it's hard to walk into a teenage girl's life and date (then marry) her mother. he did it with such grace and delicacy - i am forever grateful. in many ways, he has been the beacon of calm in a life often filled with drama (think teenage years, the tumultuous 20s, lots of transition) and i never had to worry about disappointing him. he simply accepted me for me and gently allowed me to grow up without any intimidation or force. i've really appreciated and loved this about him. he's the owner of a giant heart, quiet with peace and acceptance. i'm a lucky girl. i really am.

now, if you're really interested, more house and florida photos over on my fickr.

thoughts on returning 3000 miles home

2008-06-05T21:43:00.000-07:00

i have so much to share...so much zooming inside my thoughts. i made the long trip home to florida to see my family, specifically to celebrate greggie's (as i affectionately call my stepdad, greg) retirement. i was a little worried about making the trip alone (john had to stay behind for school), but i can't tell you the peace i felt when i snapped this photo. i had been having some anxiety leading up to this trip: what if the plane crashes and i die alone, i wondered. (i've had a major fear of flying ever since our plane was hit by lightening in the dead of nite many years ago as we traveled across the country in route to our wedding. the plane was fine, but i never really got over the initial terror of seeing the lightening actually strike our plane, the booming sound it made, the way the plane stumbled a little bit, the smell of burning metal, and the very real and immediate thoughts of thinking we were for sure going to die.).

i had also been having some anxiety about traveling all the way home to a place i don't go very often, where memories loom and take me back, sometimes to an old self i'd rather not visit. it's hard sometimes to feel all grown up, like the grounded woman i am today, inside the walls that housed my awkward, growing up years. but as i sat on the plane, watching the sun set high above the clouds, i felt totally inspired. peaceful - without any of the pressure i had feeling in my chest leading up to this moment. i don't know why, but sitting on a plane always makes me feel hopeful and free, even when i resist ever getting up in that brilliant sky.
when i landed, this is where i arrived - my parent's gorgeous little bungalow with the purple door. inside is a treasure trove of inspiration. art on the walls. funky decor. color everywhere. and unique ideas in every details. i can't wait to show you photos of this house, where my mom's talent of design and decor live in every room. as i walk inside the door, my mom gives me her little tour of all that's changed. she shows me the new paint in kitchen, the new arrangement of furniture in the office, the latest (and cutest) creation to be born from her hands in her studio. as she continues, i chuckle to myself at how much i am just like her: i also love to show visitors these sorts of things, the little collection of details that make me me. i got it from my mom. she's taught me the importance of surrounding ourselves with things that bring beauty - not necessarily material things - but treasures that hold meaning in our life, images that comfort us, color that brings life. it's all important.

driving around town today, i felt the memories taking hold: how my bff gina (whose driving down tomorrow from georgia) and i would get off the schoolbus in the 7th grade and proceed to the nearest, grassiest lawn to do round-offs and back handsprings together. how, in later years, i would spend every single friday and saturday nite at Einstein's, an all ages club that was the hang out for all the goth kids, the indie kids, the music brats, the creative types of our age. it was heaven. memories of who i was, how i was, how i've changed have me in grips right now the way that traveling 3000 miles home does. life is so fascinating, no?

inside all of it, this is what i feel: really happy and full. i'm glad to be home. i was in a bit of funk last week and now i'm here in 95 degree weather and humidity, wrapped in frenetic conversation with my mom, planning a big retirement party, making appts for haircuts, massages, friend dates, and more. i do miss my man, but it's all good. i think i need to make this trip home alone.

more soon...

love thursdays..

2008-05-29T11:25:00.000-07:00

(more love thursdays over here)

found this lovely 4 chambered heart yesterday on our walk. i love how these hearts just appear - like little secrets exposed, only they're happy secrets wanting to be found, released and shared. and here we are, our little family of feet...this photo totally cracks me up...

in a bit of randomness:
my first ever stationery line debuted at the nyc stationery show last week . although i wasn't there to see things in action, i'm told the line did well (thank you, universe). also, a dear blog pal wrote to say she was there and saw the products and fancy displays in person. totally exciting for me. products should be up on the brush dance website soon. i'll keep you posted.....i can't believe i'm a girl with stationery products out in the world. omg. totally bizarre.

i met someone yesterday who told me about his dear community of friends. he called them his family of intention. i've been thinking about it ever since - totally love this as a description of the people who we hold close in our lives. perfect. family of intention.

been thinking about jen a lot. she's home from her incredible journey and i can't wait to hear her stories. what an amazing woman she is. makes me want to turn my travel dreams into real.

also been thinking about how life is coming together here. how i have grown into some pretty wonderful friendships as well as into a life i love. we were on the phone this week with our mortgage broker (whose also a friend up in portland) so we can begin planning for our move back up there and i just kept thinking: man, we just got comfortable here these last few months and now here we are planning to leave later this year. such is life i suppose - a series of transitions. one after the other. i'm trying not to fight it. that part will come later, i'm sure.

book pre-orders continue to rock it. you guys are so making my life a living dream. thank you....i don't believe i've shown you the new + improved cover of the book and the back of the book, too (designed by book designer extraordinaire marissa). how cool it is to see it coming together in full color, both in real life and in heart.
saw this video on someone's blog (forgive me, i can't remember who), but totally loved it. it speaks to the part of me that sometimes wants to throw my hands up in frustration. this woman inspires me to not give up. pretty incredible.

also been thinking about babies. yeah, i'm thinking i totally want one.....

2008-05-27T20:47:00.000-07:00

(side by side II - 11x14 on canvas. print available here.)

i heart painting in happy colors...i really do.

i wanted to let you guys know that i've listed a very limited number of magnets for sale over in the shop. i only have what's listed and don't anticipate having anymore anytime soon, so scoop em' up now if you're interested ($2 - $5).

more soon..
how are you guys?

introducing 5x5 affirmation collages....

2008-05-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

i'd like to introduce a little collection i've been working on - sweet little 5x5 affirmation collages. i made one for myself, and then i made a couple more as gifts, and then i became joyfully obsessed and went a bit nutty making more and more. so, here i am...introducing them to you and making them available for sale (i hope you like these as much as i do). below are a couple of my favorites, but i've made more than a dozen - all viewable and available for purchase in my etsy shop.

i'm loving these as meaningful gifts (they fit inside any standard 5x5 frame or mat), either to ourselves or to other dear ones. the one i made for myself is sitting on my dresser as a sweet, colorful reminder to leap, to fly. i'm also loving these little guys paired together as a collection on the wall. here are some photos of how i've arranged them in our home ....(to give you ideas on how you can display them). the black frames came from michaels - super affordable and cute, no?

this is the one i made for myself. it sits on my dresser..totally loving it.

here are a couple that i've paired together over an old apple ladder that now holds our beloved quilt collection.
a single reminder sitting atop a couple books and journals by the windows. this one would make a great cover for a gratitude journal..
a small collection on the wall - i really do love groupings.
i've made about 15 of these little guys. above is a snapshot of most of them. get em while you can....available here!

more soon. been in the studio the last couple of days painting up a storm. feels so, so good. happy holiday weekend to you!
xo

thoughts on becoming.

2008-05-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

been thinking about my story lately. about who i was when i was younger. about who i am now, what i'm becoming. i want to find the courage and ask the adults in my life (uncles, aunts, family) who i was when i was younger - like an expedition to uncover a younger self. was i shy? did i talk too much? was i always this bossy? did you ever worry about me, about how i was after losing a parent and another one to grief? did i act normal, like all the other 8 year olds? what about those really early years when things were a bit tumultuous? what was my mom like in her twenties, early thirties?

and now, i am almost 33yrs old. how have i become? what were some of the moments, small + significant that held meaning, life-changing direction? was it when, at the age of 12, i met my bff gina - a wise soul whose natural gifts of counseling and friendship sheltered me through the teenage years and beyond? was it meeting maria stroup, an older woman whose spiritual guidance grounded me in community, friendship and service during those delicate adolescent years? was it the book i read in college that will always have meaning and underlined passages throughout? maybe it was that road trip out west when i was 22 yrs old that i've talked so much about. i know it's a combination, layers and layers of experiences, heartache, love, friendship, the dynamics of loneliness, family. it leaves me in awe right now. about how we become.

i just wonder. how magic happens. how, inside (and despite) our life experiences, we find our groove, our flow. how one day we have it, and the next day we might not. inside the curl of all this wondering, i return to the memory of how i made it here to this wondrous place where i live and work inside a creative life. it's the most recent significant event in my life and has surely changed my course in ways beyond measure. it was this: i did something i didn't think i could do. it had nothing to do with living a creative life and everything to do with finding my strength, testing my boundaries, and uncovering the layers of muck on my heart. under the muck was me. artsy. inspired. wide awake. and wide open.

we all have something that whispers to us to do it, but for whatever reasons, we hold off. we don't realize it's our own potential we're delaying, our hearts breaking open in gratitude, and our spirit rising.

i am grateful. for all of it.

love thursday

2008-05-21T22:55:00.000-07:00

love is the intensification of life - thomas merton. (yes. it. is.)

love thursday is finding you written in cursive on the back of a simple, unsuspecting bench. it's found inside the quiet that i feel sitting here, watching the pacific come and go...the ebb and flow.
love thursday is finding you, all these years later, still in the center of my heart. you turned 34 this week and i loved every minute of celebrating with you as we roamed and wandered our way thru the santa cruz scenery. i love watching you surf.....you're a long boarder, a soul surfer, a gentle spirit. happy birthday, baby.
love thursday is letting go of the struggle. embracing the joy. and leaning into the abundance that exists in all moments, big + small.

more love thursdays here.