too much chicken

Remembering.

2006-12-14T04:58:00.000-08:00

with one semester left i can't help but look back...
and smile!

so young, so fearful, so stressed...

but with time, we learned to laugh a little...

and then we were seniors...

still stressed, but we learned to play a little...

and in a manner of months, we'll be the real thing.

Thank you all for your love and support of my journey....here's to one final semester!

nothingness

2006-12-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

nothingness.

i have given everything and now i sit here.

empty.

there is nothing more that i can do.

there are no more distractions.

i have no reason, no emotion,

no food to take my mind from both.

there is nothing left to clean,

to organize,

to drown in.

i have no words.

i have no tears,

i have run dry.

...and when there is nothing,

i have nothing but to feel.

because even in nothing...

there is something.

wonderings.

2006-12-12T02:44:00.000-08:00

(photobucket...by mermaid 01)

i think about him.
even when i don’t want to; especially when i don’t want to
he comes to mind.
sometimes it is the things he used to do that i remember.
sometimes it is all i wish he did…all he didn’t do.
when i talk to other people
when i’m spending time with other men
i think of him and i compare.
i try hard not to compare
but i always do.
i compare and then i mentally scold myself
why am i thinking about him at all?
i think about what could have been
what would have been if we were still together.
i wonder if the cloud would have passed.
or if the storm would have broken my spirit all together.
i wonder if there was a rainbow in a distant land;
a land that i could not see.
or if i would be drowning in a flood of sorrow.
here i am now
i do not consider myself broken
but i am not quite whole.
i’m wondering.
i am wondering and i am comparing
and i am tormented by both.

happenings

2006-11-17T12:57:00.000-08:00

Today is an ordinary day. I’ve got chores and homework to fill more time than I have…and I have more to do than I know how to get done. Normally I might consider freezing up and doing nothing but today I’m taking one thing at a time until the day comes to an end. Whatever doesn’t get done isn’t so important that it can’t get done tomorrow. I can breathe…and I do love a breath of fresh air. Things are going fairly well. I love my apartment, the feeling I get when I walk through the door, and surprisingly, I’m getting quite used to being alone.

Last night, for the first time since starting college, I went out with a group of nursing students to celebrate a couple of birthdays. We had a great time and even though there were many things I probably should have been doing, I enjoyed myself. We went to a place called Lucky Strikes, a bowling ally at the Block in Orange and I was safely tucked in bed by 2am…what a rebel! :o) I’ll try to post some pictures later.

I’m going home for the weekend and even though it’ll only be me and the lil’ sis, I am really looking forward to it. I miss home…and after the last several years, I have learned that home is where your family is….it’s were the people are who love you no matter what, who open their arms to you, who are there. I guess its only right to add that they’re also the ones who have the giant, front-load washer and dryer….and I’m hoping, the ones who let you use it even though you’ve moved away and you have your own. ::wink::

Crazy hair and melted plastic cups…

2006-11-10T22:36:00.000-08:00

It’s amazing the things you’ll try when no one’s looking. It wasn’t something I would normally do, but how else was I supposed to cook my macaroni ‘n cheese? You didn’t think the melted plastic cups had anything to do with the crazy hair, did you? I don’t have any dishes so I used the only thing that would contain water—a disposable plastic cup. Not an idea I would recommend. Being the educated person I am, I decided to reinforce the first cup with a second one, only to be outwitted. The second cup wrapped tightly around the first, in unprecedented style, as if to mock me while its insides puckered away from the heat and its contents spilled (to my dismay), all over my clean microwave. Oh, I do love being alone…and I did take this opportunity to laugh at myself. Duh.

So, what’s the crazy hair about? Well, I’m officially moving in my new apartment tomorrow and I’m feeling crazy-hairish. This means for me, that I’ll be going to bed with wet hair and wake up surprised. We’ll see how it goes. Wish me luck.

a new game...

2006-11-09T20:58:00.000-08:00

It feels kind of strange to be alone for the first time.
It feels kind of quiet…and there are moments, when I wonder about my strength and ability to pull this one off—you know, this alone thing.
Last night was my first night alone…I think the worst is over now.
I hate alone at night.
Alone at night makes me question things I feel confident about in the light of day.
Alone at night makes me organize, and do more homework than is necessary.
Alone accompanies me to the grocery store, when so many have already gone to bed.
Alone has me checking the locks and feeling crazy for checking them again, ten minutes later.
Alone at night makes me want to scream, it makes me want to drown out the increasing volume of my thoughts.
Thankfully alone can’t penetrate my dreams and I when I do fall asleep, I sleep very well. Thankfully I live close to where I need to be and in the morning I can sleep in and embrace alone during the day.

I love alone during the day.
Alone during the day, allows me to get things done, to sing out loud, to hang my towels with precision and know they will still be that way the next time I walk into the bathroom.
Alone means the temperature is always how I like it and food containers are closed tightly.
Alone means me and my way…but it also means making a choice between the need I feel, to have control over my environment and the need I feel to free myself from my obsessive tendencies.

I have control and suddenly it freaks me out. I thrive on organization and efficiency and suddenly I want a little chaos. I like clean hands and want to play in the mud. My clothes all face the same way and I want to throw them on the floor. Everything has a place and a purpose and suddenly none of that matters…and when I consider this, I realize that what I really want is to find peace in the middle. I want to feel that proud feeling I get when every T is crossed but I also want to feel like it’s okay if I miss a few…or choose to look over a few.

Alone is painful, it’s a journey I didn’t ask to take, a road that I am afraid of…but it will not be my defeat. It is refining and empowering and these things, I choose to take from being alone. The more time I spend in this state, the more I realize who I really am and what I am capable of.

Times like these...

2006-10-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of ignorance in my life. They say ignorance is bliss…I don’t know. I just wish sometimes that I had answers. I wish I knew what to do and how I should respond. For the most part, I am ok…but I have my moments and in those moments my mind is racing and it doesn’t stop…not for anyone. At night, I can’t sleep, so I don’t and then days go by—productive but sleepless—and I wonder if I’ll ever have peace. I wonder if my mind will find its door to freedom, if I’ll ever find comfort in my ability to choose the right. I do fear this world and my role in it.

I want to feel confident, like I am capable, like I believe in the strength that everyone else seems to see in me. I want to feel like I belong, like I’m worth belonging to someone wholly and completely. I want to believe, believe that love is real, that relationships work, that happiness is attainable.

In times like these, I wish a certain amount of grace in my life. I’m tired but hopeful, desperate but placing one foot in front of another. I’m grateful for all the support and when I look in the eyes of those who love me, I see the grace I am looking for; I see how grace has replaced pity and how great amounts of love outweigh any judgment. I don’t understand how my life turned out this way or when it happened. I don’t remember the point when everything changed, when nothing was as it seemed…and I wish sometimes that I would have known.

My future is filled with opportunity but at times I look longingly at my past, at what I thought my past was. I’m trying. I’m working hard to embrace the joy life has brought me, to treasure the moments when I am consumed by what I know to be good.

In times like these, I just wish…

insomniac or just insane?!

2006-10-13T00:05:00.000-07:00

four hours of sleep in three days...i'm tired. exhausted is more accurate. so, i'm off to bed.

if my life had a theme song....

2006-10-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

The Wreckers “Cigarettes”

Got my headlights shining
Down an old dirt road
Smoke my cigarettes
I should quit I know

The radio’s playing
Old country songs
Someone’s leaving
Someone’s cheating
On and on

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

‘Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won’t have to prove
‘Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I’ll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

See I left another
Good man tonight
I wonder if he’ll miss me
Lord knows I tried

But I think that maybe
The thing that I did wrong
Was put up with his bullshit
For far too long

I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

I ain’t gonna sleep
I don’t wanna dream
About the things that I used to need
I ain’t gonna cry
Or go on living lies
I’m just gonna drive

‘Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won’t have to prove
‘Cause somebody will see
All my worth but until then
I’ll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

This is who I am...

2006-10-09T20:17:00.000-07:00

This is who I am…

A little obsessive compulsive…which I like to label as ‘organized.’
A little controlling…which I like to think is thoughtful.
A little paralyzed by fear, that I may never be loved or belong completely to another.
A little self-conscious when it comes to my body, or my abilities…sometimes even my dreams.

This is who I am when no one’s looking.

I laugh at jokes that aren’t funny, make light of situations that are serious, and hide behind my smile….oh, but when I’m alone…

I’m a little lost in myself.
I appreciate my drive, my ability to pick up the pieces and move on, my love for life.
When no one’s looking I dance a little more, sing a little louder, and love without holding back.

Yes, this is who I am.

I remember...

2006-08-08T16:11:00.000-07:00

I used to do a lot of things. I knew myself pretty well and I liked who I was; who I was becoming. These days, as hard as I try, I can hardly recognize the girl that keeps looking back at me from her spot in the mirror. I wonder where she sent the real me and I wonder where she came from? How has she managed to last so long and how much longer is she planning to stay? I wonder if other people see her when they look at me? I didn’t recognize her at first; I looked without a second thought, without looking twice. Now I see her…her body is the same and even her smile but oh, those eyes are hers and when I look into them I see someone who is not me. I miss my eyes…I miss the joy that was their occupant. I miss the compassion they conveyed to others. I miss the portal to my heart…when it was soft and vulnerable. I remember the power my eyes held, to see into the souls of others, to feel what other people feel, and to love regardless of what they saw. I remember my eyes…maybe if I look at hers (that girl in the mirror) she will remember them too.

2006-07-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of moving but I'll be back soon. Have a wonderful week and happy blogging.

2006-07-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Aimee

I hope this letter finds you doing well…blah, blah, blah… Look, here’s the deal. I’ve been meaning to tell you some things but I’m the voice that rarely speaks loud enough for you to hear. You’re a pretty smart girl and you’ve been given a lot of good advice lately. Weed through it, choose what you think might work for you and give it shot. Nobody gives advice with the intention to hurt you so you don’t have much to lose. Go for it…look in the mirror and make a decision. Purge from your life, the materialistic things you don’t need, find creative ways to express kindness and love to others and be patient with your existence. Love yourself and learn from this moment. Slow down and allow your thoughts to connect, your being to feel, and the joy within to burst from its present cage. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and don’t be too prideful to accept it. You don’t have all the answers and that’s okay. Only after you understand what it means to love yourself, can you set expectations for others. This is not the end. In fact, no matter how small your steps are right now, let me remind you that they’re in the right direction…and even if you have to crawl for a while, the mere fact that you are moving is just as much an accomplishment as a full-on run.

Calling positive reinforcements

2006-07-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

I don’t really know what to say even though there are a thousand and two thoughts floating freely through my mind…so, I am going to try something here. I am going to just type and think and write and see what comes. I am tired of sounding so depressing but I can’t shake the frustration that is my life right now. I feel sort of bad because I was looking back through some old posts, that were actually kind of funny and entertaining and now all I seem to muster, is negativity. I want to tell you of happy things and pleasantries but I struggle to think of any without sounding like I’m trying way too hard. I don’t think any of my readers are younger than I am, so I have to assume (actually, I hope) that you have been there—where I am now. I’m not really sure where to go from here and I’m scared to make any more decisions because I seem to have a knack for making bad ones. Nevertheless, I cannot sit and wallow forever. For one thing, I don’t have time for that and it’s really not in my nature anyway. I’m a planning type of person and must move forward. I will create a positive environment, if I have to will it to me. In fact, I think I will take this moment to concentrate on the wonderful elements of my life. Here are some:

I know without a shadow of a doubt that there are people who love and support me, no matter where I am or what my life looks like. Thank you!

I have an amazing family.

I have recently reconnected with some ‘forever’ friends.

I have two semesters left before I graduate and become a licensed nurse. (That’s 10 months…or even better, six classes!)

I am healthy; there is a roof over my head, and food in my stomach.

I have hope for what my future holds.

It may sound cheesy, but after thinking about and listing merely six blessings, I’m feeling better already. My hope is that, as the day continues, the list grows—for me and for you.

Dear Sweet Blogging World

2006-07-12T13:37:00.000-07:00

Refusing to panic or crumble beneath the weight of life, I have blogged through many emotions this past month. I have done a lot of reflecting and soul searching, and while I am far from mastering the art of living fully, I am learning to love myself and allow others to love me in a vulnerable state. I am living among better days and am convinced that your blogs (and responses to mine) have enriched my being. Thank you for your gift of time, your caring attitude toward a stranger, and your encouragement. I am grateful for you, members of the sweet blogging world.

On another note, I am leaving town tomorrow to celebrate my second anniversary with my husband. Yea!...this weekend is much needed. See you Sunday! :)

Feeling What?

2006-07-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

Nobody condemns and not a single person has cast judgment in my direction. Everybody wants to help and yet I feel…what? What is it that I am feeling? What is this emotion that is so foreign to me, I can not name it? Can it be possible that I feel anxious while at peace? Undeserving while appreciatively accepting? Can I be found the moment I am lost? Were I to list the emotions limited to my vocabulary, I fear I should fall short of labeling the one I feel now.

Perhaps it is humility—productive shame, power brought under control. Or gratitude toward those I love. Toward those who love me, those who lift me up when I feel too small to move. Maybe it is defeat—powerlessness to control my circumstance, to control others. I’ve considered desire, fear, hope, doubt, passion, survival. No. These words do not satisfy my hunger. They do not answer my questions. They do nothing for me. What I feel is a stranger to my life. It does not take from me but I do not know of its willingness to give.

2006-07-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

Last Year's Crop

2006-07-06T19:17:00.000-07:00

“It’s but little good you’ll do a-watering the last year’s crop.” While I’m not totally sure what George Eliot meant by this, my interpretation deems it an appropriate quote in light of my current situation. Lately I have spent countless hours gleaning and analyzing decisions of my past and I’ve come to realize two things. The first is that I spend way too much time contemplating what cannot be changed and in the process of my excessive analysis, I am missing the current joys that life has to offer. Secondly, if I spend my entire life looking backwards while simultaneously attempting to move forward, it is very likely to lead to a psychological breakdown…or at least a head-on collision. So, in an effort to preserve myself from needless tasks, I am redirecting my focus. I have wiped the tears from my eyes and am moving away from my self-indulgent state of defeat. I have to think of this time in my life, and the sacrifices that will be made over the next year or two, as foundations upon which my dreams will be built. I can’t think about the ‘if only’ anymore.

Dear Lori

2006-07-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

It seems like it was yesterday when I met you, sunbathing in the corner of your hospital room, with music playing in the background and a book in your hand. It seems like yesterday when you had your transplant and were up walking the halls with your girlfriends; only yesterday that you gave me a bracelet reminding me to expect miracles. It seems like yesterday when you were using your sarcasm to make the world laugh and pulling pranks on anyone who would let you get by with it…and it just doesn’t seem fair. It doesn’t seem right that you would be robbed of tomorrow. It doesn’t seem right that such an amazing woman would be taken at such a young age, with so much life left to live. It doesn’t make sense—not to me and definitely not to your family and friends. But maybe what isn’t fair, are all the people who feel so left behind, who feel lost without your presence, who somehow feel responsible for giving you false hope. How could anyone have known that the end was so near, that your card would be drawn and that God would call another one of his children home? One thing is certain, you were loved…and you taught others how to love and how to live. Although I knew you for such a short amount of time, you touched and blessed my life. You left your mark and gave me a gift to pass on to others. Please know that I will…and thank you.

tonight i will grieve...

2006-06-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

...tomorrow i will reflect on her life and her death, and all she taught me in between.

i think i can't, but i always do...

2006-06-28T06:35:00.000-07:00

there are so many moments in life when i think i can't, but somehow i always do.
there are moments i think will never pass,
and then i find myself on the other side of them.
there are periods when i feel so old, like i've lived a lifetime,
but a quick glance in the mirror tells me I am still young.
today i feel all of these things.
i am old, and i am stuck in a moment
and i am pretty sure i can't...
but i know tomorrow will come.
tomorrow will bring untouched time.
tomorrow i will be me again--young
and full of life.
ready for life.
ready for whatever comes my way.
i will wait for tomorrow, when i can.

Happy 21st Birthday

2006-06-27T07:23:00.000-07:00

Today is my friend Heather's 21st birthday. We actually celebrated it last night by surprising her at a restaurant. Well, we sort of crashed her date...but he knew and she loved it. Great time. Left to right, me, Kristi, Heather, and Christy. :o) Be back later.

Not Together, Not Quite Alone

2006-06-25T22:41:00.000-07:00

Time passes in a blur and I realize that we have not seen each other in days. I see you of course but our conversation is limited to, “when will you be home and what are you doing at such and such time?” We’re not together. We haven’t been together for some time now…but I’m not quite alone and can’t function as an independent. This leaves me in limbo, feeling torn between my desire to be at your side and my desire to push you away completely. Too many nights I fall asleep, with only the dog at my side, and too many mornings I wake up alone. Where are you? Where am I?

I want to miss you but I also want to make you hurt—make you feel the way I do when I know you’re having a good time and I’m left behind. I want to be in your arms, to be held like I am the only thing that matters, but I also want to make you feel neglect—make you feel like the only way to love and security is to ask, no beg, for a moment of my time. I want to talk with you, to look into your eyes, to connect, but I also want to make you feel alienated—make you feel like you bitch about insignificant things and what you have to say isn’t worth my full attention.

We’re not together but I’m not quite alone…and I don’t know which is worst.

Long Days and Little Tragedies (part II)

2006-06-23T21:46:00.000-07:00

In light of recent events, I’ve been thinking about death; specifically, my own. There has always been something about death that really bothers me--that scares the hell out of me. Perhaps it’s the finality of it. There is something about its permanence that causes me to shiver. I comfort myself with thoughts of Heaven-- what I know from my childhood as life after death, a glorious life without pain or suffering. Still, I find little solace in this truth because my human self can not comprehend the supernatural. I want to believe. I know I believe but I can’t grasp an immutable eternity of ecstasy. The closest I can get, is the idea of living endlessly and the thought of perpetual life, in this human state, seems more to me like damnation. Don’t get me wrong, I want to live a long, healthy, happy, productive life but I don’t want to do it forever and ever and ever. I guess if I think about it, I shouldn’t be scared of dying. (I know this is morbid but denying ‘its’ existence and the way it presses on my mind, doesn’t make it go away). I shouldn’t be scared because it is likely to come like a thief in the night and I’m pretty sure I won’t realize it has passed over me. Despite my feelings regarding my own death, I am more afraid of losing my family and friends. As each mother, husband, sister, and nana passes away around me, I can’t help but wonder how long it will be before I lose someone I love and pieces of myself. And even as I wonder these things, I banish the thoughts as if their consideration facilitates a knock on death’s door.

Long Days and Little Tragedies (part I)

2006-06-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

After three consecutive eighteen hour days, smeared with little tragedies, I’m exhausted and thinking extensively of my own mortality. Every day I wake with great expectation for the world ahead of me. What will the day hold? How will I grow? What can I do to leave my mark? How can I make this day count? Never do I consider the possibility that this day, or even this moment, could be my last. It’s almost cliché to utter the words, “live like you were dying.” (Unless of course, you’re Tim McGraw). I digress. Anyway, the truth is, people are dying all around me. Left and right. They’re here and the suddenly, they’re not. I’m sure my friend’s grandmother, or Brad’s sister, or the patient I’ve been caring for, didn’t wake up and think twice about the moments they had left. It’s tragic. Even here, in this little “city of hope,” death slowly moves in, devouring any who submit to hopelessness and some who don’t. In the past week this hospital has had two small fires, a man who shot his wife before killing himself, a good man die of a wretched disease, and right now I am watching a beautiful mother of two, because the very thing that cured her of cancer, may have fried her brain. It’s tragic. It’s tragic and I have questions to which there are no answers.