meditating blogger

2007-02-04T14:34:00.000-08:00

Sam doing better, Nathan doing worse

First the bad news: Nathan has been extremely depressed and suicidal recently. About a week ago he mentioned suicide, and drove the car off the road. He behaved strangely while pet-sitting for a friend, and said to me that he didn't want James and I knowing where he was staying, because he never could sleep when we know where he is. (?)

Then on Thursday he called home, and when James answered, sounded like he was crying and said that James should hang up and he'd leave a message on the machine. So James hung up, and Nathan never called back.

He didn't go to work that night, did not return messages we left on his cell, and had run off with the car. Needless to say, I was extremely worried. I emailed Rinpoche at 2 a.m. that Friday morning asking if he'd do a puja for Nathan. I don't want to read what I wrote in that email while crying and worried! He emailed back that yes, he would do a puja, and that his stepson, Michael, is doing poorly as well.

Finally, Saturday around noon he finally called, letting us know that he's "o.k." (relatively speaking), wouldn't tell us where he is, he has nowhere to stay, no concrete plans, and had abandoned the car somewhere outside Seattle. But at least he's alive...

We had called the Sheriff and reported him missing on Friday evening. So they put out a ATL (attempt to locate) and we decided not to report the car stolen, although he would have been found right away if we'd gone that route, because that would permanently ruin his record, and he'd probably hate us forever. (But perhaps he would have been put in a hospital where he could get help?) Anyway, it's a rather difficult problem how to get the car back.

I gather he's hoping to get a start in Portland and go to school there. I hope it works for him. We've done everything we can for him, but he doesn't want to stay around here, said he couldn't even meditate here and was starting to feel hostile toward people. So I guess it's good for him to get out, but I don't know how he'll survive on his own with the problems he has...

Now the good news: Sam is doing so much better than he was at this time last year. He was always so argumentative and difficult. And now he's much calmer, seems to have a handle on things, and much more polite. He has his angry moments, but seems to have mastered some techniques for dealing with it so that he's not always so combative with us. It's so much more pleasant around here without all that arguing and fighting!

And he's such a smart, fun guy (has a very subtle, quirky sense of humor that's quite hilarious!) He actually very sweet, and now gets along much better with Abe. It's good to have them separated during the day, I guess, because then they appreciate each other more when they're together.

2007-01-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

Lightening Up!

I have a funny old comic strip (very old) taped up in my meditation room, of Shoe talking to the bartender, saying, "I'm writing a new self-help book, based on my philosophy of the Three Ups." And she says, "The three ups?" He says, "Yeh. Shut up, grow up, and lighten up."

(Love it!)

Well, right now I'm learning to lighten up. Since becoming a Buddhist I've always been so gung-ho. (Maybe trying to make up for lost time?) And after this latest burn, I've backed off, even to the point of not fulfilling some commitments, which I've never done before. (Except at the very beginning when I didn't know how to do tsog, so I didn't do the tsog commitment.)

And it's great how just backing off a bit and getting some perspective and not feeling guilty about it (i.e. lightening up) has helped my practice so much. I have a light touch now when I go up to the meditation room to practice. It's actually enjoyable! (Like mandala offerings always has been for me.)

I'm *so* happy now, and accepting of where I'm at. I've stopped comparing myself with where others are at, or thinking that somehow I've got to know/do it all. And that's led to being more accepting of other areas in my life, and not having comparisons and expectations in those areas as well. It's very freeing!

Well, off to do tsog... :)

2006-12-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

A Terrible Dream

Boy, I've been pretty depressed lately (maybe 'tis the season?) And it showed up in a dream I had the other night.

I dreamt that I was standing near a very intense, searing source of heat, and two little boys were being destroyed by it. One had his back to me, and the other was standing next to him, partly facing me. He looked at me with large, sad eyes, and his face began to be distorted by the heat, and got stranger and stranger, but the eyes stayed the same.

Then he moved near his friend (who continued to have his back to me) and the friend fell over, showing that he was dead. The other little boy gave a moan of great sadness, and layed down next to his friend and died.

This was so incredibly horrible and sad. I just hope that the boys weren't meant to be Sam and Abe. I've been so melancholy lately, and feeling like giving up. I just have to remember what a friend who also suffers from depression told me, that we just have to remember that it's chemical, and that we're going to always have these bouts of depression, and to try and keep perspective and deal with it...

2006-12-19T11:12:00.000-08:00

"Dharma Crisis"

Why more than a month since I posted? Because I've been having a "Dharma crisis" (as one of my friends calls it.) In my case, if I have a Dharma crisis, it's not a faith thing, or doctrine thing, such as questioning my beliefs, questioning the idea of karma, questioning reincarnation, etc. It's a gut thing, a fear thing.

After Rinpoche's wonderful visit, a group of us went up to Nelson to a meeting with Rinpoche, which was also wonderful. (James and the boys and Noreen and I all stayed at the Ainsworth hotsprings, which added to how great the visit was.) Then Rinpoche asked me to take the Yamantaka empowerment he was giving in Vancouver the next week. We quick bought a ticket and I went.

Well, I must say that was a very difficult empowerment. I'd heard people say that this or that empowerment was "overwhelming" or other such descriptions, and I'd never had an overwhelming empowerment before. Heruka was confusing (being only my second empowerment ever) but I wouldn't have described it as "overwhelming." And I've had empowerments of wrathful deities before, so I don't think it's because Yamataka is wrathful that this was difficult for me. So I don't know what it was.

I was sitting up in the balcony (my favorite place to sit when visiting the Vancouver center.) And almost right away on the first evening I was thinking, "Hmm. I don't like this." I was extremely uncomfortable, and even momentarily entertained the idea of just walking out. I kept in mind Pema Chodron's advice for when one is uncomfortable while meditating, to just hold your seat for a while. (And of course I couldn't have walked out anyway!)

Later that evening, back at a friend's place, I just cried and cried. (Fortunately she was visiting friends, so I could have a private cry.) Hours! I didn't know one could cry that heavily for that long. It was like psychic regurgitation. I felt desperate to get rid of all this crap that my mind goes through...

Anyway, the next day (Yamantaka is a two-day empowerment) it was a bit better, but not much. I just wanted to get out of there and get home. The good news was my ticket for home was for the next day. The bad news was that Vancouver was snowed in, and my flight didn't leave till the day after that.

This was all a bit similar to my last "Dharma crisis," during my first Vajrayogini closed, silent, group retreat (closed meaning one doesn't leave...) It was about 4 or 5 years ago now, up in Nelson over Thanksgiving. The gompa was heavily snowed in, I was staying with a group of folks at a nearby cabin of a couple who were out-of-town and thus rented their cabin to sangha folks.

It was my first group retreat and I was a bit jittery, and on top of that, I was the "youngest," as a friend put it (meaning the newest to Tibetan Buddhism.) My impression was that definitely this group was pretty advanced; one could tell, not just because they knew what they were doing, but because of their personalities (with some of them, anyway.) I felt so out of place and unqualified. I consoled myself that one had to ask permission to be there, and Rinpoche had said yes, so it was "his fault" if I wasn't qualified and shouldn't be there!

But one evening, after my kitchen duty ended at 8 p.m., I started walking back to the cabin. It had just snowed, and I guess I didn't recognize the cabin in the dark and snow. I walked past it, up a hill, then realized that I must have missed it, and walked back down. Still didn't see the cabin (or recognize it) so I hiked back up the hill again (through the heavy snow and dark.) By this time I was crying, and whispering to myself, "I just want to go home. I just want to go home."

The second time back down the hill, the snowed-in cabin still didn't look familiar, but I guessed that must be it, and finally got back. I was so glad that I had a separate room in that cabin. That retreat was so hard.

So was my Vajrayogini counting retreat. (This was the third year after first encountering Tibetan Buddhism.) Counting the 100,000 mantras and 10,000 wisdom mantras took me four months to complete! During the retreat, one must not move one's cushion (i.e. go anywhere) and one does the prayers at least twice a day and accumulates mantras. It felt like slogging through a swamp getting through that retreat. I could tell I needed a lot of purification work before attempting something like that again. I didn't touch the Vajrayogini practice for three years after finishing that retreat.

So these three experiences are similar in that it's a kind of fearful reaction, like "Whoa, this is scary, this is hard. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be doing this." So I recoil from whatever it is, like I've been burned.

A friend mentioned that Yamantaka practice brings compassion to one's mistakes, one's imperfection. And since I'm such a perfectionist, that's such a big part of my ego/identity, that being compassionate to that part of me may be a bit scary. Who knows?

Anyway, at least I see this now and can deal with it. So, right now I'm doing a short Yamantaka retreat for my winter retreat. Might as well face it head-on!

2006-11-04T16:01:00.000-08:00

Some Chod-pas

2006-11-04T15:50:00.000-08:00

Officially Chod-pa!

Rinpoche gave Chod empowerment last Friday, teachings on Mahamudra on Saturday, and Chod teachings on Sunday. It was a fun, as well as inspiring weekend! Everyone seemed to be having a great time.

On Friday, while we made tormas, I asked Rinpoche how often one should practice Chod (once a week, twice a week?) "Every day!" was his reply. So now I feel great that I've been practicing Chod every day! (I love anticipating the guru... :)

I had had my doubts that I should be practicing that often, but now I'm thinking, "Of course I can practice every day. Rinpoche wouldn't have given me a practice that's wrong for me." Not that everyone should practice every day. But I've always known, since my first Chod empowerment from HH Khalkha Jetsun Dampa, that Chod would be my main practice. And now it is -- I feel like I've gotten Rinpoche's blessing to make this my main practice.

The last time Rinpoche gave the Chod empowerment at our center, years ago, I told Rinpoche I wanted to be enlightened this lifetime (not knowing the chutzpah it takes to say something like that), because I don't believe in reincarnation so this is the only opportunity I have. And I asked him how one could get enlightened in one lifetime. He said, "Practice Chod!"

And now I am...

2006-11-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

The Kindness of the Teacher

It's now one week after Rinpoche visited our center. I've been so happy and blissful ever since he visited. He stayed at our home and I've never felt so blessed.

He was so kind and gentle and thoughtful the whole time. I once remarked to a friend that Rinpoche has always been very gentle and careful with me, but this time I noticed it more than before.

I'd always been very shy and nervous around Rinpoche, and at the beginning could barely speak to him, I think because I realized how very important this relationship was to me, and that kind of threw me. Anyway, I've gradually been able to approach him and at least be able to hold a conversation with him, but still view him as my Teacher (not a regular guy! :)

Well, on Friday we spent the day making tormas and otherwise preparing for the empowerment that evening, just he and I, and I had a whole string of questions I wanted to ask -- about our center, about my practice, etc. And one by one I asked them, except for the question that was bugging me the most.

That particular question was about an email I'd sent a few months previously. It was in response to an email Rinpoche had sent around to the presidents of his centers (and I'm president of GBLT.) It was on a subject I felt strongly about, and I sent a response disagreeing (I'd hoped politely and respectfully) with Rinpoche's position. Needless to say, I'd been very nervous sending it, and even more so when no one responded (not even with a "Hmmm" or an "interesting point, we'll consider it.") I wasn't afraid that Rinpoche would be angry or not want someone to disagree with him (he's not at all like that) but I was afraid maybe I'd committed some kind of faux pas unknown to me.

So, the question about the email was on my mind, but I kept not bringing it up, until finally I thought, "When we pause for lunch I will ask about the email." So finally at lunch I found I was not too nervous about it, and asked if sending the email had been ok, and I hadn't meant to be disrespectful or anything. He smiled and said not at all, I hadn't been disrespectful, and went on to discuss the subject, sounding like he'd put a lot of thought into the matter.

The whole weekend was like that. Every time I asked him about anything, or we had a conversation, or even when I made mistakes throughout the weekend (e.g. when I was empowerment attendant on Friday evening) he was very gentle and kind and I didn't even feel all upset about the mistakes (like I usually am.)

It was a perfect weekend. No nervousness, no self-recriminations, perfect teachings, perfect kindness.

It's like I've been tamed... :

"If you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me, like that, in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."
The Little Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupery

2006-10-02T21:50:00.000-07:00

Another "Duh" Moment!

Ok, you'd think after two instances of taking up Chod practice and then having the experience of wrestling personal demons that I'd be used to it by now, at least to the point of recognizing that this is what happens. These "demons" arise each time I start up the practice.

Well, I started the practice again about a month ago, when a kind sangha member, who went to the Chod retreat that Rinpoche held up at the gompa last summer, offered to lead a Chod Club at our center and give tips on practice. And she made a copy for me of a DVD of Rinpoche doing the long Chod practice and Chod practitioners doing the short practice. I decided to make a personal commitment to practice Chod every evening, at least doing the short practice, but about two to three times a week doing the long practice.

Well, shortly after starting, what do you know? I started feeling really depressed and down on myself, cranky, going through the usual litany of self-criticisms, etc. I blamed it on everything from the change in weather to a different schedule now that I'm back in school.

It wasn't until I did the long practice last night, along with tsog, that I suddenly recognized the pattern again. Of course, if I'm going to do a commitment of Chod every evening, this sort of thing is going to happen! And once again, as soon as I recognized it, the depression dissipated.

That's the amazing part. How does that happen? As soon as I say to myself, "Aha! These are the demons of the ego coming up. This is what happens when you practice Chod. These demons are what are to be subdued" then all the depression and crankiness and talk, talk droning on in my head just stop.

To rework a passage from Alice Through the Looking Glass, in this case addressing the ego:

If I left off dreaming about me, where would I be?
Where I am now?
Not you! You'd be nowhere. Why, you're only a sort of thing in my dream!
And if I were to wake, you'd go out -- bang! -- just like a candle!

Good thing I decided to do my practice last night, even though depressed! Just goes to show, be sure to keep your commitments...

2006-09-10T14:42:00.000-07:00

New Attitude

After the last post in this blog, I came to the realization that my whole life I've always subconsciously taken responsibility for the way people around me were acting. In a self-help book I read a number of years ago the authors said that in every dysfunctional family there's one child that's usually the "scapegoat" and receives most of the blame, and when my sister read that she told me she immediately thought, "That's Martha."

In my childhood family situation, I was always the scapegoat, and often blamed for the whole terrible situation, probably because I always fought back against anything I considered wrong or unjust, and thus drew attention to myself, "rocked the boat" you might say. And even though consciously I didn't blame myself, subconsciously when something negative happens I automatically think, "What'd I do?" Even if someone does something as small as look at me cross-eyed, I think, "I must have done something wrong. What'd I do?" It's just a knee-jerk reaction for me.

So this "shrugging" action that I mentioned in the last post, that Rinpoche described in one of his teachings, is actually a major breakthrough for me. It really lifts a weight off. I wasn't to blame in my childhood, and now I don't need to shoulder the blame for other people's attitudes, situations, actions/reactions, etc.

Since working this through, and since returning to school and having a lot of time for prostrations/practice, I feel very happy and "light." It's so great to have things fall so easily into place. My schedule this semester is ideal, because I have two full hours for practice, after classes and before picking up Abe. Delightful! I just hope it continues...

2006-08-16T08:44:00.000-07:00

Do You Give a Fig?

I've been mulling over this idea for a long time now -- ever since my last retreat, which Abe attended with me, and during the retreat I also read Abe The Horse and His Boy. There was a passage in the book that I resonated with, and have debated in my mind ever since:

[The Narnians] walked with a swing and let their arms and shoulders go free, and chatted and laughed. One was whistling. You could see that they were ready to be friends with anyone who was friendly, and didn't give a fig for anyone who wasn't. Shasta thought he had never seen anything so lovely in his life.

There are two teachings that seem to harmonize with this quote. One was a teaching from Rinpoche, that I heard soon after becoming a Buddhist, where he said (and I paraphrase) that after one begins to lose one's ego, then when someone insults you, you just shrug it off and think, "Well, that was weird," but it no longer bothers you or hurts you.

I guess shrugging it off would be "not giving a fig." Not that you don't care about the person, or have no compassion for them, but their unfriendliness or insults no longer bother you. You no longer take everything personally.

The other teaching is the one from Shantideva. (This is His Holiness the Dalai Lama's paraphrase):

If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.

Now, here's my counterpoint in the "point-counterpoint" mulling that I've been doing. I'll use the subject of Darfur as an example, as that's my prayer subject of this week (which I've only been able to publish today, as the internet connection in our town has been touchy this week...)

Counterpoint: should we really not worry, even if there's nothing we can do about something? Because there's nothing I can do about Darfur, for example, should I just shrug it off?

Well, not worrying is not the same as not caring, some might argue. But the dictionary definition of worry (at www.dictionary.com) is:

To feel uneasy or concerned about something; be troubled.
To pull or tear at something with or as if with the teeth.
To proceed doggedly in the face of difficulty or hardship; struggle.

And:

To cause to feel anxious, distressed, or troubled.
To bother or annoy, as with petty complaints.

So, I can see that one should not be annoyed at petty complaints or insults, as in the last one there (as per Rinpoche's teaching.) But should one really not be troubled or concerned or distressed about something (defs #1), just because there's nothing one can do about it? I'm definitely concerned about situations like the one in Darfur, after seeing the report on the Newshour on Monday, and such things always really trouble me.

Next step would be, "well, then do something about it." But even if I could, would that then cause me to no longer worry (as in be concerned or troubled) about it? Whenever they have reports from some aid workers in horrific areas like Darfur, the workers still seem to be very concerned and even anxious, even though they are doing whatever they can about it. (And I always deeply admire such people whenever I witness what they're doing.)

I believe that this "right" type of worry is good, is a motivator. It's actually a form of compassion, an active form, that keeps one moving and searching for a solution, even if it's just keeping suffering and sufferers at the forefront of one's mind.

Is this really "worry" though, or is it just compassion? Well, in my experience it is worry, because it feels and acts just like worry. It's like the definition: "To pull or tear at something as if with the teeth." It pulls and tears at me for a long time, to the point that it almost physically hurts. That's why I started the prayer blog, because I had to do something, because these things hurt too much.

It's like a huge dam built up, with all these horrible, hurting things backed up behind it, that I put back there because I couldn't bear to think about them. And I could feel the pressure building up and was afraid that one day it would break and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. So praying about them, and making the prayer blog to deal with them one by one, was a way to puncture a tiny hole in the dam and let things through little by little.

Maybe it is wrong to let things trouble me so much. I could still feel compassion without getting so distressed. So I believe I'll continue to mull over Shantideva's advice. Definitely having some calm and serenity in the face of these troubling things is helpful!

2006-08-04T15:25:00.000-07:00

Another victim of mental illness and police misunderstanding...

2006-08-04T14:22:00.000-07:00

One Year Anniversary

Well, it's been one year since starting this blog, and I sure wouldn't have thought I'd be using it to help deal with Nathan's illness. I can honestly say this has been the scariest and most difficult year of my life. Last fall was the worst time, when Nathan didn't have a handle on what was going on, and was falling apart before our eyes. Every day was terrifying, and it didn't let up, because we had zero control of what was happening and never knew what bizarre and scary thing Nathan might do next.

But after Rinpoche convinced Nathan to try the medication, even though he only tried it for a few weeks, he seemed to be able to handle his situation better. And though he's had a couple of "incidents" since then, he's been a lot better and the rest of us don't have to be on edge every moment.

An article in last Sunday's Spokesman Review shows how fortunate we are that Nathan is here with us and doing better. Otto Zehm, a 36-year-old man, was killed by police in Spokane. He was diagnosed with "a mental illness" during his teenage years. Here's an account of what happened to him: "At a Zip Trip in north Spokane on March 18, Zehm went into cardiopulmonary arrest after being beaten with a baton by a policeman, repeatedly Tasered, and then hogtied while under suspicion for a crime he didn't commit."

The whole story is incredibly sad, because he wasn't doing anything criminal, everyone was mistaken about what was going on and was overreacting, and all who knew him said he was a friendly, likeable person. And now he's dead.

It's just like the Alpizar incident in the Miami airport. After talking it over with my sister and her partner, I now believe we avoided a similar incident happening to Nathan by keeping in touch with the California cops and letting them know what Nathan was going through and what we'd like them to do. And I kept calling them back to be sure that Nathan was ok, and that they knew we were coming to get him. I only wish something similar had happened for these men who had the same difficulties as Nathan. Anyway, sometimes I worry that Nathan's illness will never go away, and when he's 36 or 40-something, like Zehm and Alpizar, he may still be having "incidents."

My whole life has changed as a result of all this. I'm no longer homeschooling, and I'm going back to school to get a degree and a sign language interpreter certificate. I figured when everything in my life started to fall apart, it was an obvious sign that things need to change, a lot, and so now I'm doing that. And I'm determined to make these be positive changes and to make it work.

2006-07-18T13:48:00.000-07:00

I'm pledging to go veg!!

2006-07-18T10:41:00.000-07:00

Time to go Veggie!

After my latest entry in my prayer blog, I've decided that our family needs to go veggie (of course! I gotta practice what I preach!)

Except for the occasional fish meal, we're now officially veggie! Also, because I'm going back to school this fall (I've signed up for French 101 and Anthropology 441 "Introduction to the Study of Languages") we're going to be having crockpot meals most days.

Nathan, I think, is pretty much a vegetarian. Abe, I'm sure, would be willing to go along with vegetarianism. Sam used to be a strict vegetarian, but I'm not sure how he stands these days. James is a tough one. He's a big meat-eater, especially during grill season.

Here's a fun site I found that uses the cool lunch boxes I bought a couple of years ago that are great for cutting down on lunch and picnic waste. I think I'll be using some of the ideas this mom uses for her kid's lunches.

2006-07-17T15:23:00.000-07:00

Where are the Viras and Virinis?

Something I only noticed today, after doing mandala offerings for about year now: when visualizing the mandala, I never visualize other people in it. Of course I visualize animals, such as water birds in the Tara mandala, and in the Vajrayogini mandala I visualize the occasional other practitioner/yogi in the distance. But I realized with a shock this morning that I never fill the mandala with the mandala deities that should be there.

I also noticed that I don't do similar visualizations with other practices as well. For example, with the refuge prayer one should visualize all other beings next to you, in human form, all taking refuge with you. And during prostrations, the same -- all beings doing prostrations and purifying karma along with you.

With mandala offerings it's slightly different -- the beings are all Viras and Virinis (heroes and heroines), that is, all pure and enlightened beings just like the mandala is a pure, enlightened place. So I need to start visualizing these enlightened beings and populating the mandala!

And at the end of the offering prayer, when I wish that all beings may dwell in this pure land, I had been visualizing these beings as "normal" unenlightened beings, but I'll change that as well, visualizing them as enlightened Virinis and Viras.

I guess these practices always need a little tweaking... :)

2006-07-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

Everything will be ok, because everything already is ok

This is something I've been saying to myself for quite a few months now, without really knowing it. And it's getting easier and easier to believe and to feel this way, I think due to mandala offerings. One can view the world and phenomena with calmness, as if one is a mirror, simply reflecting.

James has been studying Mahamudra (Dzogchen) meditation, and gave me an illustration from one of the texts: What do you do if you find a snake that's slithered itself into a knot? Think about it, as if you really are walking along and you see a snake coiled into a knot. What would you do? (answer below) Here's a helpful quote:

When you are the mirror, then you have no problem with reflections -- they can be big, small, nice, ugly, any kind. For you, the reflections are only a manifestation of your quality, which is like that of a mirror. When you have no problem with reflections, then you understand self-liberation. You are not changing or transforming something. You are only being in your real nature. (Chögyal Namkhai Norbu, Dzogchen Teachings, Snowlion Publications)

Gradually I've come to discover this principle in the mandala offerings, that I'm not somehow transforming the "outside" world into a mandala, a perfect, pure place. Neither am I transforming myself by all these practices I do. Rather I'm simply moving aside that veil that prevents me from seeing the real nature of these things.

Here's the answer to the snake-in-a-knot question. You don't do anything. You don't have to. A snake that coils itself into a knot will naturally uncoil itself, by itself. It doesn't need your help. Similarly, when you find yourself coiled in a knot, with afflictive emotions like anger, impatience, jealousy or big ego, what do you do? You don't have to do anything. Just observe that situation, like a mirror reflecting it, and the very action of looking calmly at it allows you to naturally uncoil yourself. No big deal!

This has changed my view of my practice. It's not something I have to work on, but instead is something of an adventure, looking deeper and deeper into the real nature of things. This view is much more fun!

2006-06-26T14:25:00.000-07:00

The Four Opponent Powers

Last week during my ngondro retreat I had printed off the Four Opponent Powers so I could keep these in mind while prostrating. Here's a description of the Four Opponent Powers from a talk given by Geshe Ngawang Dakpa:

To purify our negative karma we must practice the four opponent powers: the power of regret, the power of reliance, the power of remedy, and the power of resolve. Within these four, one begins by reflecting on regret: the awareness that actions we have committed bring suffering to ourselves and others. We further identify the reliance (or refuge) of one such as the Buddha, who inspires us with his example; with the power of remedy we commit ourselves to a practice which alleviates the results of the actions we have done. We complete with the power of resolve: resolving not to repeat those actions which bring suffering to ourselves and others.

This week I definitely felt the regret part. One day, I could only do 50 prostrations (though the other days I managed 300/day) because I was crying too much to prostrate! I definitely regret whatever causes this suffering that I and others go through, all the time, and if there's anything I can do to end this suffering, I want to do it!

I also felt the reliance, in the form of a strong trust or faith. I think I was missing this part when I previously started and stopped and "stuttered" along with the prostrations, and wasn't getting anywhere. I didn't really trust that doing this activity would change anything.

But now I have complete trust in Rinpoche, both in his character and because of what he's already done for me and my family, that if he prescribes these activities, then I'll do them, and trust that they will accomplish something!

And I am resolved to keep doing this for the rest of my life, to the bitter end!

2006-06-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

You've Got to Want It!

When practicing Lo Jong (Buddhist mind training to cultivate bodhicitta) you learn the Lo Jong slogans, phrases to recall in order to help maintain mindfulness and train the mind. I've been able to keep some of them in mind (such as "Regard all phenomena as dreams") but have been unable to remember the meaning of some of the others (what are the four practices in "Four practices are the best of methods" again? :)

But I've also come up with some of my own slogans. One, of course, is dear Jeff's saying, "I sometimes make mistakes, but I immediately forgive myself"! Another I latched onto back during the last Summer Olympics. During the men's gymnastics, when so many competitors were fumbling and falling, one of the commentators said, "Doesn't anyone here want the gold medal? To win the gold, you've got to want it!" That struck me at the time, and I printed that off as a slogan and posted it next to my altar to remind me to strive for the "gold" of Buddhism: complete enlightenment for the benefit of all beings.

This keeps me inspired to do my practice while I'm up in the meditation room, but just this last week while on another ngondro retreat, I pulled this inspiration into the post-meditation time. So often I get bogged down with distractions and emotional upsets. Last week I resolved to keep in mind that none of these other things matter. Continuing the analogy to sports training and competition, I'm in training and have to keep my focus on that. So a related slogan: "Keep Your Eyes on the Prize".

Not that I'll never engage in activities unrelated to Dharma, but that's not my main focus. And if these other activities or thoughts get me down, then I can keep in mind: "Eyes on the Prize"!

2006-05-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

Wrestling More Demons

In the Chod practice one is instructed to master the demons of fear and expectations. A while back I received an opportunity to wrestle the demons of my greatest fears, and last week I got the opportunity to wrestle with my expectations of people.

In this particular case, I had some expectations of people (ones who are involved with my kids, which increased my touchiness) and I found myself feeling hurt, angry and depressed when they didn't live up to my expectations. I spent a couple of days thinking things like, "I don't think it's too much to ask, that this person act [this way], or respond [in this manner]."

I don't know if it's the same for other folks, but I found it much harder to recognize these demons, expectations, than the demons of my fears. Hence the couple of days before it suddenly struck me: it's not these people who are mistaken, it's my expectations -- my belief that my way, my view, is the correct one, and therefore they should act accordingly.

Oooh boy! It's kind of amusing to look at the mind from a distance, from a wider, more open perspective. Then, to see that one has been caught up in a kind of petty, whiny little knot over something really quite trivial is a bit embarrassing. But one also gets a kind of indulgent, humorous attitude, like you're dealing with a toddler who just needs a pat on the head or a hug to get over it.

And hopefully these things get easier to recognize, so I can extricate myself from the knot sooner next time... :)

2006-05-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

Who Shall I Cherish Now?

I have a whole arsenal of techniques now, that I've learned in the past year or so, to deal with depression and get myself out of my usual ruts.

I have the "I'm renouncing negativity" statement for whenever I get down on myself. And, "I sometimes make mistakes, but I immediately forgive myself" for whenever I make mistakes. :)

Also, the "sitting back" technique for when I get angry or whiny or irritated. (I really have to work on that one, though.)

Now I have the "cherishing others" technique for when I get really sad, lonely and discouraged. I've been doing that for the past couple of days, even though I wasn't depressed after two evenings ago (and in the past it would have been a long bout of depression, I'm sure!)

And I've been doing some really discouraging work right now, too. I'm setting up for returning to school to get an ASL Interpreter degree, and when I look at the cost, logistics and especially my transcript from the poor job I did back in college, I get dismayed and even shaky: "What am I thinking? How will this ever work? I can't do this!"

Two daunting things especially face me: firstly, how many things I'd be juggling at once, if I go back to school:

Family (the kids are still too young to be left unsupervised, plus spending time with family.)
Practice (I definitely don't want to give that up, so I'd really have to schedule my time to be sure to fit it in.)
School work (I have no idea how easy or difficult this might be.)
Travel time (the closest place that offers the Interpreter Training program is in Spokane, which is 2 hours away.)
Usual housework (cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc.)
Other activities (such as weekly pujas, etc.)

Secondly, the other scary thing is I don't want to fall into the same rut that my mom did. She would begin projects, and even careers, such as nursing and theological training, etc. and then drop them without finishing them. I can understand how this happened for her, because I have the same tendency myself, but I don't want this to happen with this endeavor.

So, whenever these thoughts would rise up the past couple of days while I've been setting the wheels in motion, (and they'd come up every few minutes...) I'd think to myself, "Ok, who can I cherish now?" I'd think of my mom, and cherish her. When looking into scholarship options, I'd think of women who were in worse situations than me (thousands, at least!) and cherish them. I'd think of friends who are going through transition times right now, and cherish them. I think of my family, also going through upheaval (and the kids will have more big changes soon, when I start back to school) and cherish them.

It's amazing how Lama Zopa's statement is so true -- immediately one becomes happy! Right away you go to that soft, cherishing spot in yourself, like you're cradling someone in your arms, and at once it changes your mindset. You become happy and tearful at the same time. It's such a sweet feeling, and much preferable to just being depressed... :)

2006-05-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

"Real happiness in life starts when you begin to cherish others."
-- Lama Zopa Rinpoche

Yesterday I was so disappointed to learn that a dear, sweet person in my life is moving away. This is a touchy area for me, I guess. Someone once told me that I have "abandonment issues" because I get very sad when someone leaves my life. In the past, my response has been to become somewhat cold toward the person leaving, I guess to shield myself from being hurt.

But this time, after an evening of being kind of depressed, I decided to look at it from his point of view. He told me he felt he was "stagnating" in Moscow, and there were good opportunities for him in Portland. Would I want him to stay in Moscow, then? He'd be unhappy. So I decided to be happy for him, "cherish" him, and it was amazing how quickly I became happy myself.

I do wish him every happiness, because he's a sweetheart and deserves it, and I hope he does well in Portland, and wherever he ends up!

2006-04-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

Sitting Back

I've noticed something that comes up occasionally in my responses to people/events, and I believe this is a good sign.

I first noticed it at my interview with Rinpoche the last time he was here. He said something that at first I responded to with a kind of whiny-pouty thought arising. The whiny ego! Then I immediately recognized that ego response, and my mind did this interesting thing: I sort of pulled back and relaxed.

It's like when you settle into the meditation posture. You sit on the cushion and arrange yourself, and you're thinking something like, "I'm going to meditate now." Then after that brief settling period, you relax into the meditation. My mind did that same "relaxing" action, it calmed itself, and I could immediately drop the unpleasant ego response.

Since then, I've been able to do the same thing on a number of occasions. When I'm having a discussion with someone, and a thought arises, such as a particular response or argument, and the person is still talking, instead of my usual reaction, "Ooo, I have to say this! I hope this person stops talking soon, so I can make my response/argument..." (Blah, blah, blah!) Instead my mind does that "sitting back" into a meditation posture, and I can realize that it's not that important! :)

It's interesting/helpful to me to think of it as the mind's posture. When one is excited, angry, irritated, etc, I visualize the mind being in a forward, aggressive, "in your face" posture. And when one is fearful, intimidated, depressed, etc, the mind is in a withdrawing, retreating posture. So this meditative-type posture is a middle ground, where one is not reacting strongly, but calmly observing... (And, strangely enough, I can actually feel my mind taking the posture, before I even consciously choose to do so.)

This is an especially effective response to Sam's teenage argumentativeness. I've noticed from the beginning that Sam responds best to a calm, measured approach. He's a rational kind of being, and doesn't like lots of emotion and heated argument (especially when he finds that he's the one getting emotional!) However, I've found it very hard not to get angry and bicker with him when he's arguing with James and me. But, of course, that has never worked in the past, and now I've kind of "given up" on that response.

And because I'd given up, I found myself naturally doing this "sitting back" response instead. I listen calmly (instead of thinking about how I'm right and he's wrong!) and calmly assess the situation/argument, and am much better able to give a measured, reasonable response, including many compromises that are acceptable to both of us. Amazing, actually!

Not that I don't continue to get impatient, often. But not only do I notice it more frequently (always a good sign) but I've actually serendipitously (or from Rinpoche's influence? :) come up with a good response!

2006-04-18T09:44:00.000-07:00

Prayer Blog Has Helped My Practice!

Since starting up my prayer blog, my mantra recitations have improved in an interesting way. I most often do my mantra commitments while driving to and from Moscow, and manage to get them all finished in that time. However, before starting up my prayer blog, I hadn't given myself a specific focus while reciting, so often I'd find myself reciting the mantras and thinking something like, "Ok, next I'll do the Medicine Buddha mantra, but that one's kind of long, so I wonder if I'll get it done before I get to my destination..." And then start thinking about the destination and my plans, etc. Quite a lot of mind wandering!

Since the prayer blog, I keep my mind focused on "This Week's Dedication." And because I happened to decide to put pictures with each week's dedication, that gives me a visual as well!

While reciting Chenrezig mantras, Medicine Buddha mantras and Hayagriva mantras, I visualize these Buddhas and focus on the dedication to relieve the suffering of all sentient beings (and the specific dedication of that week.) During Vajrasattva mantras, Tara mantras, Vajrayogini mantras and Prajnaparamita mantras, I think of my wish to become enlightened to benefit beings -- as well as purifying my karma and obscurations and generating myself as these enlightened beings. And during Rinpoche's mantra and Mahakala mantra, I think of my precious teacher.

This way I've stayed much more focused during prayers, and it actually has made the recitations more enjoyable as well!

2006-04-17T09:54:00.000-07:00

The Meltdown

So, I tried to get off my anti-depression medication a couple of weeks ago, without notifying my doctor, which I later learned was a mistake. I went off cold turkey, and last week had a complete meltdown. I spent an entire day just crying, just sitting the whole day. (Day after writing that blog entry about the honey on the razor.)

It's weird how these chemicals, or lack of them, can control one's emotions like that. This was another topic that was brought up at the retreat last weekend. One sangha member mentioned a friend who had a brain tumor and his personality completely changed, to the point that she no longer considered him a friend. Kind of scary, that the personality, which we consider so much a part of ourselves and which we believe we control, is so impermanent and not "ours".

And looking back at an email I sent my husband on that meltdown day, that was the root of my fear/anxiety/desolation -- my ego, my self-identification, grasping at itself. I don't want to go through these changes. I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of having failed, and I'm afraid of not failing. So my email was a rant to James, just because he'd told me I'm not a failure. Poor guy... :(

Sigh. He gave me lots of good advice (I'm grateful, but of course I also hate it that he's so often right, and gives good advice!) All of which I'd heard before, either from him or others: exercise more; get out in nature; spend less time on computer or watching TV -- I tend to veg out a lot more when I'm depressed, which adds to the depression rather than helping, even if the show is funny like the Daily Show, or Whose Line is it Anyway (best show on TV!); do some meditation every day, even if only for a few minutes (ie, "submit to a daily practice"!); quit bullying myself and making sweeping statements, like "I fail at everything."

Why is it so hard to do these things that are healthy for myself? And it seems that everyone has this difficulty to a greater or lesser degree. People have trouble eating right or exercising, and so many women mention how they always berate themselves, etc. Really strange.

But I need to just make the choice to get a grip, take responsibility, and start doing these things. Another big sigh... because I could wallpaper my home with the schedules I've drawn up for myself when I've made resolutions like these and tried to "get everything done". Well, I guess I'll see how it goes.

2006-04-16T20:52:00.000-07:00

The Past is a Memory

After a teaching from Rinpoche a while back, in which he'd mentioned that quote from the Buddha that the past is but a memory, the future is a fantasy, we only have this present moment -- I wondered if that is really true. Can we really "unentwine" ourselves so completely from the past that it becomes just a memory that we no longer need to cling to?

We just had a great retreat at our center over the weekend, and a sangha member recounted a memory that arose for her during one of the meditations, a pleasant memory that had a beneficial effect for her. She also mentioned that she doesn't have many childhood memories. I also don't have many childhood memories from before about 8 years old and, unfortunately, they are pretty much all unpleasant memories. So I avoid looking at memories.

But I decided, after Rinpoche mentioned that quote, to see if I could look back with no aversions or attachments or "entangling", and see them as just memories, ghosts. I did a reclining meditation one evening and just went back -- to the old house and the old school and the route I'd take to school, and all the old streets, etc. It was all gray, no color to the memories, and it was true that it all appeared to me as ghosts. Although I felt a compassion for that child, I did not particularly identify with the child that I was, as if all the events I remembered had happened to a different person in a different lifetime.

I just glided through the memories, seeing them all, but without focusing or "zooming in" on any one of them, without getting caught up in them.

This is a good development, because I no longer need to identify with the person I was, which I'd always subconsciously visualized as some kind of stunted, misshapened plant that had not been grown or nurtured properly. But one of the major teachings in Buddhism is that one need not cling to this idea of "self" -- I don't have to continue to be the person I always think of when I say "me".

Anyway, something to continue to work on: not clinging to the I. This ego that we try to dissolve is not always some inflated, prideful opinion of oneself. It can be a sad, debilitating, negative notion of self as well.

Trying to work past a notion like that is so difficult, but is made much easier by recognizing that it truly is an illusion, that the past is a phantom that can dissolve like mist as soon as it's seen for what it is.