Blogging My Thoughts...

Life Update...I guess

2008-06-24T23:38:00.002-04:00

Wow..it has been like 3 months since I've typed on this thing. Can't say much is going on except I'm seeing someone new..still working on getting my business off the ground and I'm seriously beginning to t0 hate the father of my child. Harsh, right?? You wouldn't think so if you knew the wutless (read:worthless) asshole.

And perhaps this is bad to say..but I really regret having a child with this man (and I use the word "man" VERY LOOSELY). And because of how difficult this experience has been it makes me regret having a child...period. I can't seem to forgive myself for making (what I feel is) a grave mistake. I can fix me not completing school. I can fix me messing up my credit. But I can never fix this. My daughter is here to stay..and ain't a damn thing I can do about it. If I could, would I? That's such a hard question to answer truthfully but the answer is yes, I would. As much as I love my daughter...and I DO love her, I just wish I hadn't done this at the stage in my life or with HIM. I seriously think he has a mental issue. There is no way someone can do the things that he does and NOT be mentally ill. The guy is insane. What saddens me is that I feel so stuck. I feel so trapped and at his mercy. I feel like this whole situation is totally lopsided. I wish at times that he would just disappear. Fucked up, right? Yeah, I know but it is the truth. I struggle daily to financially provide for my daughter and balance having a personal life with being a parent but it is HARD. I guess this is one of the "feeling sorry myself" days.

I hope to one day come up with a plan and an outlook where I don't feel so defeated. I hope that I get to where I am financially sound and in a loving committed relationship where my man (read:husband) helps share the responsibility and loves, nurtures, encourages, teaches, supports, treats my daughter like she's his own flesh and blood.

As I sit here tonight and type...that is my wish. And also does the same with me..and I can look at him and KNOW and FEEL without a shadow of doubt that HE is THE...ONE. And in return, I love him and provide all of his needs and as much of his desires as my morals and good sense will allow me to LoL

Peace n love to all single mothers out there..trying to make a way and do things in a civilized manner.

~~~being me in blog

Dear Body...

2008-03-16T22:44:00.007-04:00

I've seen these vids on youtube with people doing a "dear body" vid..almost like paying homage to your body parts from head to toe...and I thought it was a pretty cool idea. People..and women especially, don't usually take time to truly appreciate their physical attributes (that in a lot of cases helps to shape or mis-shape the mental). So this is my rendition...

Dear Body,

lovely locs..thank you for growing so nicely and allowing me to embrace my Afrikan-ness. People give me a lot of compliments on you and that's great. I wish I knew how to style you more versatile and trendy but, I think I do a good job currently. Sorry for this dry scalp thing I got going on...I'll try to increase my water intake :)

eyes...why do you always look so funny in pictures? lol Is one of you bigger than the other? Thanks for making me able to see my daughter's first steps, my daughter's school performance recently and all the joys and beauty of the world. Sorry about sleeping in my contacts. But I HAVE been doing a lot better lately. How do you feel about Lasik? I'm considering it...

nose...thanks for giving me the opportunity to smell. I can smell cakes being baked, flowers, oils, my favorite scent of vanilla, and my daughter's baby scent! Awwww, what a joy and privilege. Unfortunately, you also gave me the pleasure of smelling her dirty poopy diapers! LOL And the real garbagey smells of my hometown of NYC. LOL Thanks. I don't really like your shape, though. I feel it is too pointy and a lil big. Sorry for wanting to change you and having a hard time accepting who you are. I'd never get rhinoplasty, though.

lips...you're so cute! You're not too thin and not too big..you're just right. The bottom lip is so pink and nice..and with the right lip gloss, you're just HOT and oh so kissable. Sometimes you are dry though, huh?? Yeah, I'm working on the increasing of the water intake, thing. :)

breasts....you're maaaad small..it is almost embarassing. But being a member of the IBTC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee) for so long, I've gotten used to it. I do wish you wouldn't have gotten SMALLER after the whole breastfeeding time. Jeez! I do like the size of my nipples, though..and so do the mens, from what I know..LOL You know I like a lil nibble here and there...actually the right bite is a nice touch as well. Does that annoy you?? Gosh, I sure hope not!

arms...you're kinda on the thin side. You are one of the places I'd like to gain some weight. Maybe I should start lifting weights and increasing my protein. But thank you; without you I couldn't hold my baby to my breast and nurse, or pick her up when she falls, or put on my lip gloss to get my lips poppin', or put in my contacts in my eyes, or twist my locs to make them curly, or type this blog to thank you. Thank you.

my belly...you used to be FLAWLESS! So much so that I got a tattoo around my navel. Did you mind? If so, I apologize. After giving birth, I got some stretch marks and that extra hangy skin thing. ARRRRGH how I despise it!! I realize that those are because I brought life into the world and what a wonderful life it is but, it still makes me sad. Never can I rock a bikini or a belly skin shirt, or show off my tattoo if I wanted. I'm sorry that I carry this kinda resentment and embarassment around for you. I'm working on that, so please bare with me. In the meantime, thank you for giving me those flawless years.

hips...maaaan, talk about baby birthing!! Besides my "wooha" you are that thing that gives me that womanly touch..IMO. I'm a skinny chic, but I got HIPS and booooy do you look good in some jeans! Wow! AND dresses...AND boy shorts...AND panties...AND skirts...AND naked. LOL I do think you are a lil bony, though..so yes, I'd want a lil more weight around you as well. Can you imagine?!?! An instant traffic stopper..lawd! LOL Thank you, thank you, thank you..you are the icing on my already slender and sexy shape!

legs...I'm sorry I made you kinda chakka chakka by being so tomboyish as a child. Man, I messed you up pretty bad. Moms taking me to the caribbean and getting me eaten up by those mosquitoes didn't help either. I could stand to shave you a lil more, though and I will. Matter fact, I'll do that tomorrow lol..or sometime this week. Thank you for being long and slender. Thanks for taking me everywhere I wanna go and holding me up. Without you I couldn't run after my daughter, or race her to the car, or demonstrate to her how to jump rope.

toes/feet...I mean you ain't quite hammer time...but why you so long and skinny? LOL You look like midget versions of my fingers..lol You do clean up nicely with a pedi, though. I just purchased that Ped Egg today too..did you like the treatment? I applied that peppermint scrub and washed it off and covered you up. I should do that more often, huh? I will. But thank you for giving me balance and allowing me to stand tall. Thanks for holding it down when I wear heels. I know they're uncomfortable at times.

Body, I could stand to take better care of you..but can't we all?? I'll definitely be doing more of that, though. You're the only one I have and I plan to keep you for a looooooooooong time.

I love you!!

Sincerely,

~~~being me in blog~~~

My locs...

2008-02-23T14:31:00.000-05:00

So I've been going to this site http://www.nappturality.com/ and reading a lot about natural hair, specifically locs and getting some really cool and neat info. A lot of people really take this hair thing seriously. I mean like fa real, fa real. But it is through this seriousness that I learned a lot of good tips on hair care, so I'm grateful. But not that I think my hair is just hair. I do look at it as a movement or statement of sorts but daaaaang, these sisters take it to a whole 'nother level; of which I love and respect. I mean they have photo albums and videos on youtube (big ups to Shawnta and Fauryn), I mean these sisters got it ALL. So, I decided hmmm...I've been in the loc game a while now 6 yrs this coming June..and so maybe I have some special insight to share.......lol Well I really don't. I still feel like a novice when it comes to my hair. I hardly style it myself besides doing my curly locs (which ppl on the street love, btw). The only other time I style it is when I go and get it done. And that costs like $65 including what I feel is the obligatory $5 tip. And umm..I don't know if y'all heard or not..but I did NOT win the $270 million mega millions jackpot last night...so uhh NO, I can't depend on the hairdresser to keep my hair looking cute and pretty and nice and stylish.

So recently I have tried a few styles...well actually one that was successful..the braid out. I mean if I can do this style...my 3 year old can LOL. It is so incredibly easy! And I find that it gives the same spiral/crinkly look as the pipe cleaners do (another one I learned from that site). I've also tried to do a bun/chignon (learned that word indirectly from the site) but so far it hasn't worked, much to my dismay.

I also learned how to clear all that fuzzy lent/dirt looking stuff outta my locs. Why did I think that locs just WERE that way?? *accepts dunce cap* So I washed my hair with some apple cider vinegar (acv) and a clarifying shampoo and I think it has worked well. I mean we are talking almost 6 yrs of me thinking that this was just the way of the loc..lol

So slowly I'm trying to increase my water intake and find some hair products that compliment my locs as I'm learning that some hair products are just HORRIBLE to locs. I'm also trying to gain weight....yes I said GAIN weight. Not sure how that fit in but I thought it appropriate..

speaking of which...gone to go get something to eat...lol

Peace

~~~being me in blog~~~

Is anyone there?

2008-02-23T14:12:00.001-05:00

*taps mic* Is thing thing on?? LOL Anybody there?? Does anyone even read this? Somehow I get the feeling that I could admit on here that I murdered and killed a man and where the body was hidden and nobody would find it for years..LoL

Ahhh well...it makes it more comfortable to really share where I buried the body..lol j/k *wink, wink* no seriously, just kidding...

but it does make me feel like I can just type to my lil heart's content...all my secrets, all my weird thoughts that I think are unique to me and not feel like someone is going to be nodding their head in disapproval. And even if you do...I can't see, so who cares?

But really...does anyone read this? lol

~~~being me in blog~~~

2008!

2008-01-08T16:46:00.000-05:00

The new year...so full of promise...so full of "I'm going to accomplish..." and "I'm not going to..."..and blah and blah. I also hear many people say that they don't make resolutions b/c they are meant to get broken and blah and blah~ lol. But at the turn of the new year I can't help but feel invigorated and ignited with a sense of NEWness. I feel like I can start over. Alllll the stuff that happened last year seems somewhat insignificant as the new year rolls in.

So..I've made a few resolutions this year...
1. Budget your money and SAVE!
2. Cut out all of the dead weight out of your life.
3. Eat better.
4. Begin exercising.
5. Launch and be consistent with cocoatl.com (soon to come y'all stay tuned..I'm sure I'll be blogging about that as well lol)
6. Become more involved in church.
7. Be more about ME.

so there ya have it..the 7 little resolutions that I've set for myself for this year and besides #1, I'm doing pretty well so far. Have yet to cut the dead weight completely out but they're being phased out slowly.

My wish to all this year is that you accomplish all that you strive for. If it is worth having...it is worth fighting for. Don't let your fears hold you back (I'm SO guilty of this one). Love yourself first. And most importantly keep GOD first. lol I laugh b/c that seems so funny coming from me. Not too long ago I was hardly the "keep God first" person or the "first of all, I have to thank God" person LoL But recent blessings (good and bad experiences) in my life have made me truly seek God out. And I can say that positive things have begun to unfold b/c of that...

Oh and..
8. Blog more for the '08. (I'll be keeping a better chronicle of the happenings in my life)

~Free to be me in blog~

YAAAAY!! LET'S CELEBRATE THE GENOCIDE OF NATIVE AMERICANS!!

2007-11-21T09:01:00.000-05:00

So as the Thanksgiving "holiday" nears...I find myself wanting to be with family and relax. I find that I want to reflect on all the blessings that I have received in my life and that I continue to receive. I indeed want to GIVE thanks for all that I have and will receive. I want to give thanks for just being here. HOWEVER, what is Thanksgiving really about? Why was it made a holiday? What were the circumstances surrounding it. What should it really mean to the African peoples and when I say African peoples I mean (African-Americans, African-Caribbean, AFRICANS, etc).

Free history lesson..you all can thank me later :) or hate me LoL Whatever you decide...
but here marks the genocide of the Native Americans (Indians) and yet are children are taught that the Pilgrims and Indians sat down and had a nice, happy meal....LIES! LoL It never ceases to amaze me how Amerikkka has systematically filled our heads with lies and deceit...teaching us and our children falsehoods about history...seemingly just MAKING IT UP! Crazy, huh? I know! Anyway, I digress..so we get together pu pictures of Indians up on our windows, watch the Thanksgiving parades on tv..eat until we can't stand to look at another piece of turkey and then rest up for Black Friday where we will stand outside of our most esteemed department store at 4:00am, run in there at 5:00am when the doors open like a pack of energizer puppets swarming the aisles to save $15-25 on the latest electronic item. Black people can't make it to work on time but we SURE can make it Best Buy at 4:30am..LoL

Mentally enslaved sheep...free yourselves and think about this huge gimmic we call BLACK Friday...

and while we're at it...take the time that is given to reflect on life's blessings. Be thankful, yes...but never forget what Thanksgiving really celebrates...

the genocide of Native Americans...and the beginnings of African enslavement...

Be Blessed, everyone

~~~being me in blog~~~

Choosing to Pick from the Bottom of the Barrel?

2007-11-07T15:27:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I seem to be having a hard time just truly loving ME. While I think I'm a relatively smart young lady, funny, a good listener, understanding, easy to get along with, loving, caring, sympathetic..for starters LoL I still feel like there is SO much I can change about myself. For this reason I find myself ending up with the fixer-upper type guys. The guys that aren't living in cardboard boxes but not living the life of luxury either. These are the guys that still live at home and for no other real reason than laziness and just for the heck of it. They don't have that urge to get out on their own and be independent, don't have any real goals for the future i.e finishing school, starting a business, climbing the corporate ladder or advancing within their current job (if they have one). And somehow, someway I end up with THESE type of dudes!

Why?? Welllll, I really started to give it some thought and I've realized that it is b/c I feel like I'm not good enough for those guys that seem to "have their shit together." For a man to own his own successful business, or be a doctor, live on his own, have his own car, etc I'd feel like I'm falling short in comparison to him. I'd feel like I'm not bringing thing to the table. Aside from all that I mentioned above about my glowing and wonderful personality and attributes, I'd still feel like I'm falling short. I find myself thinking "what could he want with me?" "what am I bringing to the able?" I think because I have not reached a personal level where I feel that I am successful, I think others will feel the same way as well. And I think is truly the key. I think that people are judging and viewing me through the same jaded spectacles I have put on to view and judge myself.

When did my self-worth become contingent upon how much money I made? And if I still lived at home or not? And if I was a single parent or not? And if I had finished school or not? Or if I have good credit or not? Or if I owned my own home or not? WHEN DID I START USING THESE THINGS TO MEASURE MY HOW VALUABLE I COULD BE TO MYSELF OR IN A RELATIONSHIP?

So because I've found this fucked up measuring stick I have now chosen to deal with the type of dudes that I guess I feel reflects where I'm at in life except, I am not happy in those relationships. I feel and know that deep down I deserve more. Which to me means that I know and feel deep down that I AM more. So why do I keep falling into the same situations? Why am I scared of the successful and strong and good guys? Why won't I allow myself to feel like I deserve them?

~~~being me in blog~~~

My First Blog!!

2007-09-24T22:07:00.001-04:00

Well hmmm..where do I start?? I guess I should give a lil description of me or my likes and dislikes or where I'm from..but I won't lol If I write enough on this thing, all of those things will be disclosed at some point or another. So for now, I'm just gonna type. I'm gonna type what comes to mind..and hopefully some will enjoy, some will laugh, some will maybe even cry (if it ever gets that deep..lol) and whatever else.

I've never blogged before although reading other blogs interest me. It gives me a chance to kinda find out the inner workings and thoughts of people (which I enjoy) so I think it's cool. It is like a lil cyber journal kinda thing..and I like that..I type way faster than I can write anyway lol

So with mommyhood, and school, and work, it is hard for me to keep up and remember things but hopefully that won't be true of this. I look forward to reading more blogs of other people and posting more about me...just me...

~~~being me in blog~~~