Mama Specific Productions

My Sons Are Getting So Big

2008-07-02T17:12:00.002-04:00

Sons S-bop (standing) and T-bop (sitting). My babies are getting so big! We grilled our dinner and had a nice time hanging by the fire. Summer is awesome!

This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

ABC's of Housework Meme

2008-06-22T13:00:00.001-04:00

I saw this on another site and thought it would be cool to do as I am all about being a mama and taking care of my home and family. Here we go:

Aprons- Y/N? Yes! I love aprons and make my own. A pic of one of mine is here

Baking- Favorite thing to bake? Biscuits! I finally learned how to make really good, soft, fluffy biscuits last year and I love making them.

Clothesline- Y/N? Yes, it saves so much money and it makes your clothes smell so fresh-air good.

Donuts- Ever made them? Yes, they turned out ok. This is one I definitely need to work on though.

Everyday- One homemaking thing you do everyday? Cook

Freezer- Do you have a separate deep freezer? Yes, here it is

Garbage Disposal- Y/N? No

Handbook- What is your favorite Homemaking resource? The Flylady for cleaning help and Frugal Families for recipes, canning, stuff like that help.

Ironing- Love it or hate it? Hate it. I iron rarely.

Junk Drawer- Where is it? I don't have a junk drawer per se. I have a drawer in the kitchen for miscellaneous kitchen stuff, a drawer in my computer desk for misc. office stuff, and a craft drawer in the dining room for misc. art stuff for the kids like crayons, paper, glue, scissors, etc.

Kitchen- Design and decorating? No one set design, some things stuff I made like the potholders, a few rag rugs, etc. Art work on the walls is the kids' work. The bottom half of the fridge is painted blue. It's a very earthy, comfy kitchen.

Love- What is your favorite part of homemaking? Cooking for my family and tidying, putting around.

Mop- Y/N? Yes, but I hardly use it *covers face in shame* LOL

Nylons? No, I never wear nylons, in the house or out.

Oven- Do you use the window or open it to check? My oven has no window so I have to open to check.

Pizza- What do you put on yours? green pepper, mushrooms, sometimes tomato and/or black olives.

Quiet- When my house is quiet (ha!) I like to savor a nice cup of tea.

Recipe card box- Y/N? No, my basic recipes are all in my Veggie Mama book so I just use that. New recipes I come along I write in my current notebook journal. I should probably keep a recipe box, hmmmmm.

Style Of house- not sure, it's really old though.

Tablecloths and napkins?- Yes for both, cloth for both.

Under the kitchen sink?- small sink plunger, a few cleaning items.

Vacuum- 3-4 times a week, my kids are crumb/confetti monsters.

Wash- How many loads do you do a week? 3

X’s- Do you keep a list of things to do and cross them off? Yes

Yard- I take care of the garden, husband and sons do everything else.

ZZZ’s- Last Housework thing you do? Tidy up the kitchen and I have the kids clear their stuff/toys off the floor.

I tag Too Fabulous for Words and Black Domestic Goddess next!

We Had A Great Father's Day

2008-06-17T21:02:00.002-04:00

My husband Brian is a wonderful father, we really appreciate him so. After the boy bops made him breakfast and he opened his Father's Day' presents, we spent the day at his cousin's farm; Jeff and his wife Shelly and their two older boys who are 11 and 8. They also have a baby boy who is 9 months old. They are wonderful people, really good and kind people. It was a blast to see them again and spend the day on their farm! We hadn't seen them since the Christmas holidays. You can see more pics of our day on my flickr.

This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

Butterfly Mama

2008-06-09T17:39:00.001-04:00

Every now and then I like to post about other mama blogs I have found. I recently came across Butterfly Mama and really like her blog a lot. Check it out!
http://www.butterflymama.blogspot.com/

This blog post written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

By the Fire

2008-06-05T08:59:00.001-04:00

By the Fire May 31st 2008, originally uploaded by .Mercury.

We had a long day of housework, yard work and garden work the other day. It was awesome to sit by the fire and relax.

This post by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

What To Do When Friends Neglect Their Kids

2008-06-04T09:43:00.001-04:00

Question: My room mate ignores her son. She feeds him and keeps him clean, but hardly ever talks to him or plays with him. She doesn't spank him when he does something wrong but she will scream at him. He is only 3 years old. He gets bored and will start whining and following me around. I know he needs attention but this is not my child and really, I don't want to be bothered. I am childless and don't know much about kids. I am starting to get very annoyed by the situation.

I shared two houses with a friend for about 4 years years ago. One house was an up & down 2-family, the other was a side by side 2-family. So we weren't actually roommates but still, for all intents and purposes lived together. I know exactly what you are going through...it is very hard when your room/house mate does not parent as you do.

My friend would not only ignore her kids sometimes, she would scream and curse at them as well. And also hit them with shoes and other various objects. I felt like, I'm going to say something because this mess is crazy, it's getting on my nerves. Telling her that, saying "You know when you call your kids little motherfuckers and dumb bitches at the top of your lungs it really irritates me" worked a lot better than telling her "You are doing extreme damage to your children by cursing and yelling at them" or "Your parenting sucks, big-time" or "If you throw one more shoe at them I'm going to beat you with my boot, see how you like it" all things I told her which pissed her off to no end and resulted in us not talking for a while.

Maybe you could sit your room mate down and tell her how the situation makes YOU feel...yes, her concern should be for the effects her behavior/parenting style is having on her son but sometimes saying that directly hurts the mother's feelings to the extent she won't listen to you...she may honestly have no idea that she is doing anything wrong or she may feel that this method of parenting works best for her and her child. I know when I was younger (I was a teen mom) nothing got my back up more than someone telling me how to parent my child even when I was able to intellectually realize that they were telling me something that would benefit her.

So if you make it all about you, telling her that it bothers you when she ignores her son because then he whines and that aggravates you, she may make an effort to change things just so as not to irritate you. As opposed to making an effort to change because you think her parenting sucks or because she realizes such a change would benefit her son and greatly enhance his life.

This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

Bottle Feeding? Hold Your Baby

2008-05-31T13:37:00.000-04:00

There are a few books that cover this topic and there has been extensive research on the emotional effects of not breastfeeding your baby. I remember reading somewhere that it can be considered 'maternal deprivation' sort of. Why? Because when you breastfeed you have to hold the baby or have the baby close to your body. When you bottle feed it can be tempting to prop the bottle, thus depriving baby of your warmth and closeness, which some researchers believe has a deep affect on how well said baby is able to develop emotional bonds with other people in the future. Also once the baby is old enough to hold the bottle it decreases the likelihood that the baby will be held during feeding.

I remember when I was a teen mom getting WIC and they would always ask me if I propped the bottle onto anything when feeding my daughter. Sometimes I did, and I felt just terrible about it when my mom caught me after a few times and explained to me that I needed to hold her at all times when feeding her because, among other things, it was nurturing and she needed my closeness. So I did after that and got really into reading child development books and such.

This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

The Business of Motherhood

2008-05-29T14:35:00.000-04:00

I have been a mother for 19 years, which has taught me awesome multi-tasking skills & how to be flexible, adaptive & frugal.

I think most mothers could run a huge corporation like *that* seriously. Motherhood is a business, product is an awesome human being.

As a mom responsible for product development, research, testing. Must train product in multiple phases. Any current & future flaws, your fault.

Mothers must also cross-train in multiple fields & develop proficiency in nutrition, psychology, team building, medicine, education, sports & more.

Must effectively market product to others but most important, to product. You will inspire in your product wonderful self esteem & confidence in their innovative impact on marketplace.

Embarking on a career in motherhood requires sacrifice. Most startling & shocking is the required lack of sleep during start-up phase.

Should you decide medical school after start-up phase of your product, this skill will greatly help. You will laugh at 72 hour Dr. shifts. Ha.

Some training for motherhood can be found in manuals. Most training is on the job. Training for each phase of product development ongoing.

As each product is one-of-a-kind, you will have to learn multiple adaptive skills for each one to deliver best product possible.

Financial compensation: $0. Required to fund all phases of product development. Investors in product should include father, but not always.

After 14-21 years of product development depending on your culture, compensation comes in form of functioning product. Beta complete .

Mature product released. If you've done your job well, warmly received by community & able to function w/minimal errors & downtime.

Originally posted on my twitter. You can follow me for daily mini-updates on my life including mother stuff ^_^

This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

T-bop & Trula Making Faces

2008-05-29T08:23:00.000-04:00

So my son T-bop inspired me to make some faces. We were trying to look stern. T-bop looks kinda scary! and I just look kinda pissed off. LOL!

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

Memorial Day Parade

2008-05-26T17:17:00.000-04:00

Mercury Man, T-bop & I watched the local Memorial Day Parade. S-bop was biking up & down the street with friends, I-bop had to work. My babies are growing up!

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

How I Went back to School with Kids

2008-05-13T19:50:00.000-04:00

It is wonderful and important to further your education, if that is what you want to do. Otherwise you may feel incomplete or like your kids somehow stood in the way. I feel our government can and should do a lot more to help student parents.

Here is what I did. I had to re-think traditional college...I started right after high school in 1989 when I was 17. I also had a 4-month old baby that I had a month before I graduated from high school. This baby turned 15 a month before I graduated from college. 15 years! That is how long I had been going to school off and on, trying to force traditional college into my life. I also had two more children along the way and got married. I found out about the University of Phoenix (UOP) in 2000, and enrolled in October of 2001. I marched in 2004 with just 9 credits to go, and officially finished early 2005.

The beauty of UOP is that they have degree programs you can complete online, or for folks like me who need more discipline/structure, offline programs where you only have one class, one night a week, for 5-week segments. You meet with a study group/learning team one day or night a week (you get to decide). It was a world of difference from traditional college programs of semesters or quarters with 4-6 classes at a time. I won't lie to you, academically I found it to be a lot more stressful because there were papers due every single week. Sometimes even the first class. I remember with regular college being able to let weeks go by without really doing anything but study. However with UOP by the time I got burnt out by a class it was over. The time just flies by.

If you do traditional college you can work, but you might have to just go to school part-time and work part-time. Only you really know what your stress level is and what you can handle. If you have one, talk in detail with your husband or partner about how they can support you in school and help with the kids and housework...like coming home after lunch from a study meeting and your kids haven't eaten since you made them breakfast is a sucky, sucky feeling. I've actually had this happen, and my husband said, well they didn't say they were hungry! Like he had no idea two little boys needed lunch.

Anyway. If you are the major childcare parent, you may have to go into basic detail with your husband about feeding, cleaning, safety (like if he takes them bike-riding, make them put on helmets), recreation, friends over, bedtime, etc. And keep in mind that dads do parent differently. He's not going to do things anywhere near like how you do them. But as long as they are fed and clean (relatively, ha ha) and safe that's ok.

Also, if you have friends who are also student mamas you can try doing book swaps and childcare swaps. Trading and sharing books helped me out a lot back in the day. College textbooks are so expensive. In regards to money I qualified for grants and loans. That enabled me to go back to college as we didn't make the kind of money to pay for college outright. You can get financial aid for any degree program from any accredited school. Check with the school you are interested in to find out all your financial aid options.

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I Had An Awesome Mother's Day

2008-05-12T07:20:00.005-04:00

I had such a wonderful Mother's Day! I am truly blessed with my children. They are all kind and appreciative of my mothering efforts. I feel treasured and loved by them. My daughter is 19, my sons are 13 and 10. I wanted to take a nice Mother's Day pic of them together, they were cracking up ^_^

My husband's mother's day gift to me this year was to build me a very nice border for my garden!! He's also making me a bench and table. I am thrilled! this is such a thoughtful and wonderful present for me.
^_^

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

T-bop Musing the Compost

2008-05-10T09:00:00.001-04:00

T-bop was helping me turn the compost the other day. He was fascinated by how much the pile has changed since last fall. We use the compost for the garden.

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

Teens & Cell Phones

2008-05-08T10:49:00.000-04:00

My daughter is 19 and a freshman in college and has had a cell phone since she was 14 and a freshman in high school. I resisted the idea at first but gave in once she started high school because she was involved in a lot of activities and socializing. With the phone if she wants to stay a little late or make a change in plans it's no bother to call me. If I have a change in plans, like I'm running late or something I can call her or text her. My oldest son is 13 and has a cell phone now for the same reasons.

It has really made things easier all around to be instantly accessible and has helped me to be more flexible and understanding with my kids, instead of being overbearing and dogmatic and frantic about where they were going and stuff. In particular with my teenage son. He has been requesting more freedom to go places on his own or with his friends. I feel a little better allowing him the freedom a young man needs now that he has a phone. Before I was very nervous about that and tried to keep him close to me at home.

It's also a useful discipline tool, because we made it clear to the kids that we would take phones away for poor behavior and/or a drop in grades. It has helped them to learn about budgeting, because we have a family plan with a set amount of minutes and texts. If they go over that, it comes out of their allowance. We had one very large bill once because my son didn't quite grasp that downloads of special phone add-ons could quickly add up. We had to block downloading for his phone and take the money for the bill out of his allowance. He definitely learned his lesson.

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Ibop is Now Nineteen!

2008-05-05T12:47:00.000-04:00

19 years ago today this time I was a 17-year-old senior in high school, sitting in class. Pregnant, due to deliver May 26th. She was born today!

Against all odds,this baby everyone fated would ruin my life(and I'd ruin hers) is a high school graduate, college student, model, and superstar.

There are no words to describe how I feel about my daughter. She is a most wonderful person. She is a wise, compassionate, kind person.

My daughter is very talented in art and music. She is majoring in fashion design and plays bass in a punk rock band. She also plays violin.

When she was small, about 5ish, she would read my stories and say Mom, you have such a way with words. She has always encouraged my writing.

Even now I have no idea where I got the determination, the knot of resistance, to have and keep her. Everyone wanted me to abort or give away.

Our life together has been a journey. Her first 3 years were turbulent as I dealt w/her abusive father. Then for 2 years it was just she & I.

I've spent the past 16 years trying to make up for her first 3 years. No child should ever see their mother willfully staying in abuse...

But my daughter has always felt I was not to blame, she's always been compassionate toward the child mother I was.

My daughter told me the other day Mom I've watched you grow up. I am so proud of you. *cries*

I sometimes feel my daughter was sent to save me, because without her presence & influence I'd have gone wild, probably became a drug addict. Or something else tragic. It's because of her I fought to become the good inside me.

But overall I realize my daughter is here for her own self. Her life is her own. Her gifts, her talents, are meant for the world.

She is so beautiful, inside and out. She is a remarkable person.

Originally posted to my twitter. Follow me for periodic motherhood tweets throughout the day.

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

Boys, Men, Babysitting, and the Future

2008-04-29T09:15:00.000-04:00

I have a knee-jerk response to the idea of male teenage babysitters as well as a distrust and fear of grown men being child-care providers.

When I thought about why I felt a male teenage babysitter was 'wrong', my initial concern wasn't that they would sexually abuse my children, because in my experience most teenage boys are not sexually attracted to children. Most teenage boys are not pedophiles and the ones that are usually were molested as children. No, my concern was that they would be violent with my children or not understand age-appropriate behavior or limits. For example, letting them watch a violent movie or allowing my sons to skateboard off the porch or letting them stay up too late. Or if I had a baby or toddler, getting frustrated or upset when they cried and shaking them or hitting them. Stuff like that. I feel/felt that a teenage girl babysitter of the same age would know better and do better; would comprehend better when I explained what to do and not do.

Why do I think this? Partly because in general, girls mature emotionally and mentally faster than boys, with a lag of three years or so. So a 17 year old boy is, mentally, like a 14 year old girl. Partly because boys and men are, generally speaking, more aggressive and different in other ways than girls and women.

It's also partly because of how sexism impacts the psyche of boys and men, how it often makes them view themselves. I read with interest some things about how men are more sexual and violent and stuff. One thing I have noticed about men that I feel compelled to bring up is how they often seem to feel the same way about themselves in regards to sex and violence.

Men often say or act as if they believe they are barely in control of themselves in regards to sex and violence, and that if they are 'provoked' in these areas it is the victim's faults. Don't believe me? Think about the typical male response when a woman is raped. The first thing most men want to know is where was she at, what was she wearing, and what time of day was it. Oh yeah and how old she was. Your average man will probably feel sympathy and horror about the rape of a 75 year old grandmother who was raped in the middle of the day in her own home, but what about at the rape of a 21 year old scantily-dressed college student who got raped at one in the morning when leaving a bar? A lot of guys, far too many men, would think...she deserved it and she provoked it. Remember when Mike Tyson raped that young woman, how many people, especially men, were like Well what was she doing in his hotel room at night? As if Tyson was perfectly reasonable for losing control under those circumstances.

It's the same with non-sex violence, men often say or behave as if they are barely holding in their rage or as if under certain circumstances it's ok for them to be violent with other people. Most bar fights, road rage, etc. are committed by men, for example.

So the way I feel men perceive themselves has a lot to do with how I interact with men and how I allow men to interact with my children. It seems to me that they feel they have little self-control when it comes to sex and violence; that they feel this is because they are male.

I am doing my best to do my part in raising boys who will not be predatory teens and predatory grown men. I must say, however, that I am not raising my sons in a bubble...they have been shaped and affected by living in this world as much as any other boy. They have been inundated and bombarded by all the messages, good and bad, of what it means to be male in this culture. I sometimes feel as if I were a little ant whispering in their ear against the backdrop of the roar of the ocean...do they even hear me? Is my influence enough? What can we mothers of sons do?

This blog post was written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

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Stress Tied to Kids' Bad Behavior

2008-04-13T19:00:00.000-04:00

This is interesting...hardly news, but interesting:

A combination of nature and nurture may make some children more likely to develop behavioral problems, new research suggests.

In a study of 138 children, researchers found that it wasn't only the children's exposure to stress, but their bodies' reactions to the stress, that affected their future behavior.

Young children who had both a stressful home life and an exaggerated nervous system response to stress were more likely than their peers to develop behavioral problems over the next six years.

The findings suggest that family life and biology combine to shape a child's personality development, the researchers report in the journal Psychological Sciences.

In the case of children who are surrounded by stressful conditions and have a stronger physiological response to stress, the combination may set them on a course toward an "under controlled" personality, according to the study.
Read full story

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Kids and the Internet

2008-04-04T13:00:00.001-04:00

I let my kids on the internet. I don't do so because I think they need net skills to be 'competitive', I do so because there are a lot of interesting, educational, and just plain entertaining sites out there for kids. With my two younger children I am in the same room with them and while I don't stand over their shoulder I check on them periodically. I let them go on the net for 30 minutes at a time; twice during the school week and twice on the weekend.

When my daughter was a younger teen (she's now 18) when I let her go on I sometimes left the room and I have let her go on the internet for as long as 2 hours at a time. She was in a band and often worked on her music stuff as well as talking with her friends, doing research for school stuff and independent projects we do at home. I also didn't stand over her shoulder, but I periodically checked her email and downloaded her instant messages, though I didn't read them all. She was aware that I did this. It doesn't make much sense to trust teens to drive a car but not feel that they don't enough sense to properly interact with strangers on the internet.

I understand that there is a great deal of harmful stuff and on the net and perverted, damaged people trolling the net whose intention is to hurt and damage children. But I think of the internet like TV; plenty of it is crap and harmful but the good stuff shines through and is helpful and educational as well as entertaining to children. Fine in small doses and with supervision and monitoring.

My main internet don't for kids and teens:
No private internet access: Keep computers out of kids' bedrooms or if they have their own laptop no internet access on it. If they have a cell phone, don't enable internet access on it. At most public libraries, even if your child has their own library card they still need your permission to go online. Do not give it; if they need to do research for school go with them and sit by them.

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Why You Should Encourage Age Appropriate Reading

2008-03-11T11:51:00.000-04:00

You should encourage your kids to read! A love for reading is a gift and joy that will last your child's whole life. I myself love to read and so do my children.

I would caution you on letting children read just anything. My parents let me read anything in the house so I often read things way beyond my emotional maturity level that left me puzzled and confused. Sometimes it was funny, my confusion. Have you ever read the book Ragtime? There's this scene where this guy is all obsessed over this woman. One day he follows her home and hides in her closet. He watches while her friend, another woman, helps her undress and rubs lotion all over her body to soothe her skin which was pinched and scratched from her corset. Dude gets very sexually excited, and bursts out of the closet shooting sperm all over the bed.

I read this when I was 8 years old, and had no idea what was being described. In my 8-year old head I had a picture of a white man jumping out of a closet and suddenly there being petals or snowflakes or something like that falling from the ceiling. That's the imagery the lyrical prose of E. L. Doctorow produced in my child's mind. I went and asked my dad what it meant and he just sighed, took off his glasses, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose. Then he just told me to skip that part. When I read the book as an adult, I laughed and laughed and laughed.

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Barack Obama Voting Tuesday March 4th 2008

2008-03-04T12:08:00.001-05:00

Cast my vote today in the Ohio primary, yay!

Barack Obama for President 2008

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Should You Help a Parent Struggling with Discipline?

2008-01-08T09:57:00.000-05:00

One thing that worked with me when I was sensitive to criticism about my parenting was when the other person had 'proof' to back up what they were saying. Like when I used to spank (I haven't hit my children in 9 years, yay!) folks saying, "Oh hitting your kids is wrong" just made no impression on me. But folks telling me that hitting children causes long-term emotional damage to them, here's the research done that verifies this made a huge impression. When you come across a parent struggling with discipline issues, it might be helpful to explain or show them info about why physical discipline has a negative impact on their child's emotional and psychological health.

They may also have no idea about what is and is not age appropriate for children. Many intelligent, educated, well-meaning, and kind-spirited parents don't understand this and it totally distorts how they view their child and what they feel their child is capable of. I have seen parents allow a 3-year old bathe unsupervised, parents allow a 12-year old to date a 16-year old, and parents not allow an 8 year old to dress themselves. Some parents truly don't know how to make make age-appropriate decisions regarding their child because no one ever explained this to them.

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Did Your Own Mother Put You In Harm's Way?

2008-01-05T14:00:00.000-05:00

My mother had me in bizarre situations that resulted in bad things happening to me as a child...without going into all the details, given the circumstances and her education and work (master's degree in social work and years of doing social work with children) I wondered when I became an adult how on earth she could have let those things happen to me...She really should have known better. There is no excuse for her not having known better, so a part of me always thought she set me up deliberately to get hurt.

I have talked about this many times with my mother since becoming an adult, and I understand now that although she did indeed know better intellectually, emotionally she didn't and emotionally she was/is grappling with issues that affect her self-esteem. Like many people, she has a hard time separating her children from herself. So even though she didn't consciously want bad things to happen to us, on some level she didn't think we were worthy not to have stuff happen. Because she felt that way about herself. That's my amateur psychoanalysis, anyway, ha.

I love my mother very much but I have a hard time trusting her with my children, because I don't feel she would keep them safe/protect them. But I love her and I love that my kids love their grandmother and get to see her. I deeply love my children and I'm doing my best to protect and take care of them. That goes a long way to helping me heal my feelings of being abandoned and unprotected regarding my mother.

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How to Deal With An Alpha Mom

2008-01-03T10:35:00.002-05:00

When making friends with other mothers it's important to understand that people carry their personality issues with them into motherhood. Becoming a mother does not usually lesson an aggressive personality. On the contrary, it may actually increase how aggression manifests in someone with this personality. For the purposes of this post, I define an Alpha mom as a mother who is consistently aggressive and competitive with other mothers. She monopolizes conversations and insists upon leading any mother or child-oriented group she is a part of. She portrays herself as being 'direct' when really she is just rude.

The Alpha mom was often popular OR unpopular in high school and has usually remained stuck in teenage patterns of relating to other people. She interacts with other mothers in the same way she did with other teenagers when she was in high school. She uses the same methods, often subconsciously, to rank herself against other mothers and to establish a pecking order within her social group. She is consistent with being aggressive with people right from the start.

When you are involved with a new school, neighborhood, playground, or other mother-child setting, you may feel the easiest way to make friends is to befriend the Alpha mom, since she seems to know everybody and be involved with everything. Watch out. The Alpha mom may seem nice at first, but her friendship comes with the high price of your compliance. If she cannot control your opinions or steam-roll you into silence, she will, in her mind, become your enemy and feel the battle-lines are drawn. Why? The Alpha mom, like all controlling personalities, has a tenuous grasp on her self-esteem and core identity. She feels most strongly connected to the world through other people. Thus when she can't control or subjugate people she comes into contact with or loses control of people she comes into contact with, it feels very emotionally painful to her. So because from her perception you deeply hurt her feelings by not agreeing with her (on whatever) she feels that you are against her.

What do you do if an Alpha mom decides you are her enemy? Cease communication while waving the white flag. Remember that to her you two are rivals, enemies, bitterest foes, while in your mind she's just some woman you had a minor disagreement about staying home with kids versus working outside the home. Or whatever. You can become an enemy to an Alpha mom over an argument about home-baked cookies versus store-bought cookies, really. The Alpha Mom needs to dominate to feel connected to the world, so if she sees you as being not dominant or passive she may see you as being unconnected or not worth bothering with, and may then leave you alone. Show her you have no interest in dominating her or taking over her position as Alpha Mom by retreating from any argument or fight she tries to start with you. After a few times she will be satisfied that she has shown you she's boss and that she has 'punked you out', and she will leave you alone. Remember it's unimportant if she thinks you are weak. The goal is to get her to leave you alone.

The Alpha mom does not handle rejection very well. The emotionally mature adult understands that not every person they like will be interested in friendship with them. The Alpha mom does not understand this, and will take a rebuff of friendship as a deep personal insult. What do you do if an Alpha mom decides she wants to be your friend? If you are very secure with yourself and emotionally healthy, you may feel able to handle a friendship with someone like this. Alpha moms often have attractive traits and can be fun to be around occasionally. You may feel it's worth your while to be her friend. But if you are struggling with self esteem issues and/or you are working to become emotionally healthy, a friendship with an Alpha mom can consume your free time and make you feel tired, nervous, depressed, or anxious. If this is the case, you can gently rebuff or get out of a friendship with an Alpha mom by placing all the blame for your negative interactions with her on yourself. Try telling her that you are immature and you simply cannot handle talking with her or being her friend. She may get upset and call you names and in general throw the adult equivalent of a temper tantrum, but keep in mind she would have done this anyway, or else driven you crazy with her domineering and aggressive personality. By using this tactic you have cut the crazy short and saved yourself from engaging in useless debates as well as painful arguments with her.

It's ok to do this.You have a right to pick and choose who you want to be friends with. You do not have to be friends with someone who is aggressive just because they are another mother.

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Bullied About Circumcision

2007-12-17T12:04:00.000-05:00

I got a question in an email from a woman who was being bullied by her doctor into consenting to circumcise her son. She wrote to me that she followed his advice and made an appointment to have her son circumcised. She wanted to cancel it but felt scared that they would have charges filed against her for not following through with the circumcision. I decided to post my answer here as well:

When I was going through major baby daddy drama with Scott's (my oldest son) father, at the child support hearing what struck me most was how they worded my relationship with my child. They wrote me as: 'Trula Breckenridge, Scott's biological mother and nearest friend'. That really resonated with me and has stuck with me all these years. Also when I was leaving my daughter's father, who was physically abusive...the primary kicker for getting out of that relationship was protecting her from further harm.

I say this to you because you are going to have to develop a backbone and learn to stand up for your child. You are his nearest friend! You are his first line of defense in this world. You've got to speak for him until he can speak for himself. I know this is hard, but do NOT allow the doctors to cut off a part of your son's penis. If the doctor gets nasty ask him, in a sweet tone of voice, if he himself is circumcised (he probably is, men who are intact are generally NOT in favor of circumcision) and if so, is he projecting his own issues and insecurity surrounding that onto your child? Men who are circumcised tend to want this practice to continue because (outside of those who do it for religion) it makes what happened to them seem normal.

Also give him some facts:
1)Since 1997 more than half of all American boys remained natural.
2)Breast cancer is more common than penile cancer. By his logic infant girls should get mastectomies.
3)Circumcision destroys one-half of the skin and nervous system of the infant penis. It isn't just a little piece of skin. When completely unfolded in the average-sized adult male, the foreskin is the size of a note card.

Call the doctor and cancel the appointment, plain and simple. You are not committing any crime, you are not doing anything wrong by leaving your son with his natural, intact body. I understand your fear but they are not going to take your son from you because you choose to exercise your right to keep his penis natural and intact. Please check out to No Circ website for more information and resources:
http://www.nocirc.org/

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Not Abandoning Our Sons: Working Through Feminist Angst and Male Puberty

2007-12-14T22:02:00.000-05:00

A woman I know told me once that her partner said that feminists need to be careful to not abandon their sons to patriarchy. I certainly agree, but I wondered what this man meant by 'abandonment'. Because to me, as a mother of sons, their growing up feels to me like like being left behind.

There is the physical aspect of feeling left behind. My oldest son has begun puberty including hair under his arms, growth spurts, anger and other emotional outbursts. He is less affectionate toward me, meaning he doesn't hug me much and avoids other contact with me, like sitting close to me on the couch. I understand puberty from a female perspective of course, and when my daughter I-bop went through it I totally understood her emotional outbursts and other things happening with her.

But she didn't turn away from me, she turned toward me, so that made it easier for me to help her and understand what she was going though. S-bop is so mannish acting lately, it is sometimes hard for me to empathize with him. My husband seems to know exactly how he feels and the right thing to say to him.

Then there is the emotional aspect of feeling left behind. Sometimes in talking with my sons I feel like they have acres of man thoughts and feelings, stuff I don't have access to and they can only vaguely articulate. Then there are the privileges and freedom men have...my sons already have access to these things and they are still just children. For example, S-bop at age 13 can pretty much go where he wants. My husband, my dad, my brothers, my uncles, my male cousins, they all say a boy needs freedom to roam and I can't keep him close to home or restrict his freedom without it hurting him, his very maleness, in some deep emotional way. But when my daughter was 13, no one felt it strange or crippling to her emotional integrity that we limited her freedom because after all, a girl has to be kept safe from all the males who will prey on her.

I feel I am not doing a good job explaining what I mean...here's an analogy. I feel like my sons and I are in a huge house, right, and there are rooms I am not allowed in and rooms I just can't 'see' or understand because I am female. And my sons are at the threshold of going into these rooms, and they won't come back very often to visit me or understand me. Because the man rooms are so much better than the woman rooms. My biggest fear in this, is that my sons will become men who have no idea that the men's rooms are better than the women's rooms in part because of sexism, because so many men in this culture take and take and take from and oppress women. I fear that they will go right into those rooms, settle in, and become 'typical' men. Does that mean I abandoned them? How can I stop them? and if they do indeed become 'typical' men, how can I pull them out of these rooms I can't even cross the threshold to? and if I could, well, as grown men can't they make the choice on their own? I would never abandon my sons. But there will come a point where they will have to take on responsibility for themselves and make the right choices themselves in regard to patriarchy and defining what it means to be a man. I can't do that for them.

Is the turning away from mother inevitable? In a patriarchal, sexist culture, it is inevitable. Because in this culture maleness is largely defined as not being female, with female attributes or characteristics being seen as anathema to men. Boys process all this from infancy and when puberty hits them physically, they have to work through it mentally what it means to be a man.

But I sometimes think this is a natural process that would happen in a non-sexist culture. Most boys are different than most girls so it makes sense that they would react to puberty in different ways, as profoundly different things happen to boys at puberty than to girls.

Boys may feel like they can't turn toward their mother for help and often may not feel able to turn to their dad or even have a father around to turn to. My husband, various male family members, our male friends, all say that their dads or step-dads didn't say much to them and they felt they couldn't talk to them about the changes they were going through, so they had to work it out on their own. Puberty was a very lonely time for them in the home. As fathers now themselves of sons they are breaking the silence and talking to their sons about growing up.

So on the one hand I am not troubled so much by my sons turning away from me because they have a father who is willing to talk to them about puberty and be a guide for responsible manhood. But on the other hand, it hurts my heart. But then I think, if they did turn toward me, what would I say? I don't know what going through puberty as a male feels like. I don't know what being a man feels like. I got S-bop this book about it and he's been talking about the book with my husband, but he won't discuss it much with me. And that's ok, I understand.

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