The Off-Color Commentator

Reign Over Me

2009-06-29T15:14:00.003-04:00

Time for some obligatory Shawn Kemp reminiscing. The clip gets pretty good around the one-minute mark, then gets mildly silly at 1:36, then says "Welcome to the next level" right around 3:20. Fact: You will not see a single made or attempted jump shot anywhere on this reel.

The Foot Fist Way

2009-06-28T10:20:00.001-04:00

Daniel LaRusso has absolutely nothing on this chimp.

Sub-Zero? More like PLAIN ZERO

2009-06-27T10:27:00.002-04:00

I'm excited about the Jeff Teague era in ATL.

Seagulls Can be Costly

2009-06-16T15:48:00.002-04:00

I'm sure you've seen this video by now of a seagull running interference to help the Tribe win a game at Jacobs Field. But you may not have heard this: about a guy who bet $21,750 on the Royals in that game, and was in pretty good shape to collect his winnings until a late rally that culminated with the aforementioned bird incident. That, as we say in the business, sucks.

Wish List

2009-06-11T12:27:00.000-04:00

I really hope the Hawks re-sign Zaza.

Reading is Boring, Anyway

2009-06-10T14:45:00.007-04:00

This here book on Alex Rodriguez is not doing so well. From an Associated Press story:

"At the Rizzoli Bookstore in midtown Manhattan, 'A-Rod' has sold two copies. Twenty-seven copies have sold at Posman Books, based in Grand Central Terminal, but none in the past two weeks."

It's not like Grand Central is a high traffic area, so I'm sure it's probably doing well in other markets.

Hard Core Bourn

2009-06-02T13:09:00.004-04:00

I'm not going to lie and say this made me vomit or cringe to watch because I find it annoying that people feel compelled to say that when watching a clip of this nature, but this is a pretty legitimate shot to the sack nonetheless.

What Year is This?

2009-05-12T15:07:00.004-04:00

For those who are sick of 2009 Swine Flu, I bring you... 1974 Swine Flu! Thanks to Frank G. Yak for passing along this 35-year-old Green Bay Packers public service announcement.

Anyone for a Bike Ride?

2009-04-21T10:58:00.003-04:00

It's safe to say that if I attempted any one of these tricks, both myself and the bicycle would explode.

Welcome to the Club

2009-04-21T10:38:00.003-04:00

Seems like it would be easier to just go ahead and pee in your pants.

Ram It !

2009-04-15T18:29:00.002-04:00

I knew that I had to post this approximately 44 seconds into the five-minute, 57-second long clip.

Walter Hermann: Large Hands

2009-04-14T19:37:00.001-04:00

It is said that this man can "palm" a basketball using only his thumb and middle finger. After watching the above video, I do not doubt this fact.

Lose Thy Self

2009-04-06T23:10:00.003-04:00

Fact:

2009-03-19T00:35:00.002-04:00

If watching this thing didn't leave you at half mast, you are not a Hawks fan.

A Replay That Does Not Do the Original Play Justice

2009-03-05T22:32:00.001-05:00

This was downright nasty when it happened.

Backboard, Baby. Backboard.

2009-02-25T12:54:00.003-05:00

On a handful of occasions, I have had the distinct pleasure of playing rec league hoops with a friend who can dunk with relative ease (most other people on my rec league team, myself included, are happy enough to slap glass).

In one instance playing alongside said friend, I had a breakaway layup and heard him call out from approximately 10 feet behind me: "Backboard."

Adjusting on the fly, I threw a relatively perfect pass off the backboard, and he soared in with two hands -- then bricked the dunk off the back rim. It was both disappointing and rather exciting at the same time.

For the record, Russell Westbrook did not miss the dunk attempt shown above.

Shake n' Bake

2009-02-24T10:17:00.000-05:00

This pretty much made my night.

More Sugar, Please

2009-02-17T14:27:00.002-05:00

I think I'm hooked on this shit again.

A Brief Moment of Nostalgia

2009-02-12T17:24:00.001-05:00

I would have to consider this one of my favorite basketball plays of all time.

And I still have to wonder how the hell Randolph Childress never made it in the NBA.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthole

2009-02-06T14:48:00.004-05:00

If this insufferably lame hack job of a Forrest Gump remix wins Best Picture, I'm moving to Cannes.

An Ireitnetsng Ltltie Esircxee

2009-01-29T15:18:00.008-05:00

I lraeend smotinheg itnrenstieg tdoay, wcihh was pseotd on the wlal of a swciadnh sohp. Sdueits hvae swohn taht it dseon't mtater waht oderr the ltetres in a wrod are pclead. Aleprntapy all taht mrttaes is taht the fsirt and lsat lttrees are in the ppeorr odrer.

Hlnetsoy, I'm not so srue it's taht spmile. Smoe of tshee wdros look lkie prue gisrebibh.

Waht do you tinhk? Was tihs sprursilginy esay to dpiceher?

I tihnk my biarn jsut cestubomd.

Thank You, Telephone

2009-01-29T14:41:00.005-05:00

(above: the view from just outside the walls of the infamous Federal Central Prison)

I had a dream last night that I was in prison. But I hadn't committed any crime to get there -- I was only in the clink because someone very near and dear to me had been jailed and I was spending some time in prison with her voluntarily (and not just visiting for the afternoon -- I was in there for an extended period of time).

Oh, and this wasn't just any prison -- it was juvenile prison (though neither myself nor the person I was visiting was a juvenile; such is logic in the world of dreams).

In any case, this arrangement was all good and well until one day a prison administrator came in and told me that I needed to go see the prison doctor. When I inquired as to why, they said that it had come to their attention that I was not a juvenile and therefore they were going to send me to Federal Central Prison, but first I had to be examined by the doctor to make sure I didn't have a fever (note: I think this odd appearance of the fever as a plot device may have had something to do with the fact that a friend of mine was unable to hang out last night in real life due to a fever). I attempted to explain that I hadn't committed any crime and was just in the prison voluntarily, but this bureaucrat wasn't hearing it.

So, next thing I know I'm in the doctor's office, he's testing me for a fever, and I'm doing everything in my power to get the fever reading meter (yes, it was a large meter I could see, not a thermometer) to register an elevated temperature. My main strategy was holding my breath, and much to my delight it seemed to be working (if I had a fever, I obviously couldn't be moved to Federal Central right away).

However, the doctor apparently realized that I was holding my breath to alter the fever-o-meter, and he told me to start talking. When I did, the meter started to lower its fever reading, but I still managed to keep it largely at the fever point for the entire required period of time.

The problem was, after the doctor stopped taking the reading, he said nothing about me having a fever to the administrator, and I was told that I'd be sent to Federal Central Prison in the morning. I attempted to protest again, but they were hearing none of it.

At this point, it seemed my only course of action was to contact my father (an attorney). However, as I picked up my iPhone to dial, I noticed that the time was 8:11 p.m., which meant that it was past regular business hours and it would be too late --

Wait a second, iPhone? Why would I have an iPhone in prison? I thought.

A moment later, I was awake. Somehow, it was the fact that I had a cell phone in prison and not the existence of a bizarre "fever-o-meter" that had brought me back to reality and thereby ended the dream. Honestly, I didn't care whether it was a phone or a fever-o-meter or a flying squirrel that awakened me; I was just happy not to be going to Federal Central.

Fire in the Hole

2009-01-26T16:35:00.000-05:00

I think Steve Nash should be fined for this.

No Play for Mr. Gray

2009-01-23T12:27:00.001-05:00

I would gladly accept being as short as Nate Robinson if I could jump like Nate Robinson.

Viva Dikembe

2009-01-14T17:54:00.004-05:00

Quote of the week (or unspecified time period until I post another quote), from Dikembe Mutombo, speaking to the Houston Chronicle of Yao Ming's tendency to draw charges:

“I’m very critical,” Mutombo said. “Those are bull. I told him that. He’s too tall to be taking charges. He needs to learn to play defense without using his chest. You don’t block a shot with you chest. You block it with your hands. The man who taught me the game, John Thompson, never said that a 7-footer should take a charge, even in a basketball 1-on-1. There’s no rule or writing in the books that you should take a charge. They teach you how to rebound and block shots. So I’m going to work on that. Maybe Yao is listening to Shane [Battier]. Maybe he wants to be a guard or something. Man, I’ve got a lot of things to work on. Maybe he’s planning to lead the league charges. So I have to stop him. I have to teach him to lead the league in blocked shots, not charges.”

Bravo, Dikembe. Charges are indeed bull. Actually, only fake ones are bull. But it seems like pretty much 90 percent of charges are flops these days.

YOU DON'T BLOCK A SHOT WITH YOU CHEST. YOU BLOCK IT WITH YOUR HANDS.

Words to live by.