xander and alana's public house

2009-11-13T09:01:00.002-05:00

Eat My Grits!

As promised, I posted directions for making grits over on A Day in the Life of a (Mostly) Vegetarian. If you live in the United States and want to try grits, I highly recommend ordering them from Nora Mill in Georgia. Their grits are by far better than anything you will find in the grocery store.

2009-11-11T09:53:00.002-05:00

Holiday Priorities

I try not to rant too much on this thing, but with the holidays approaching, a certain pet peeve of mine is showing up more and more:

The meat-centered meal.

Where to begin? Xander and I are vegetarian. We don't eat meat. One day, when the kids are a bit older and we're settled somewhere, we'll probably look into purchasing free-range, organic meat from local farmers that we feel good about, because we don't want our kids to think of it as a forbidden food. But even then, we'll only have it a few times a year for special occasions. We want our kids to have respect for life, to know that when they eat meat or eggs or cheese that this was provided to them by animals. We want them to have some understanding of where their food comes from and how it is made. Our experiences have given us the impression that most people don't think about these things. Food comes from the grocery store or McDonald's. It's wrapped in plastic and cardboard. While we know sometimes we will need the convenience of processed foods, we nonetheless want our kids to understand that real food, good food, requires time and effort and care. This isn't an easy lesson to teach in much of America. It will take some effort on our part. But it's important to us.

Anyway, we're vegetarian. We don't eat steak or bacon or Thanksgiving turkey or Christmas ham. But we're not deprived. We eat really, really well. We eat very indulgent meals most weeks, and I cook almost all of them from scratch. I doubt anyone who came to live with us for a week would complain about the food. But most people have been trained to eat meat at nearly every meal. They've learned to think of it as a necessity rather than an indulgence. And even though this bothers us, even though we find the defensively cynical remarks made by uncomfortable omnivores both ignorant and rude, even though part of us wants to punch the next person who asks us about protein, we don't make a fuss about it. We don't lecture people over their sausage pizzas. We're not offended when we go out for dinner and our friends order hamburgers. We don't mind when someone invites us over for a party or a meal and serves meat. We don't expect people to be overly concerned about our dietary needs. But one thing we do expect is that people will respect our dietary restrictions when we are the ones doing the hosting. This means if you come over to our house for dinner, even Thanksgiving dinner, you need to be prepared for a vegetarian meal. A kick-ass vegetarian meal, mind you, but a vegetarian meal all the same.

So far we haven't had much trouble with this. Our friends, most of whom eat little meat themselves, are completely understanding of the vegetarian lifestyle. But some people struggle with it. We've heard stories from vegetarian friends and family of people showing up for dinner at their houses with their own meat in tow, because they just couldn't stand the thought of eating a single meal without it. We've heard stories of people refusing to come to Thanksgiving dinner at a person's house because there wouldn't be any turkey. We've heard tales of someone refusing to go out to dinner with friends because the chosen restaurant was vegetarian. I've had someone refuse to eat a meal I'd cooked because it did not include meat. After making a vegetarian meal, I've had someone comment, "This would be really good if it had chicken in it." (Note: In case you were raised by wolves, all of the things just listed are considered poor etiquette.) I often wonder if any of our family members will come to our house for the holidays after the kids come home, because what on earth would they do without their holiday meats?

I understand that many people like to eat meat and do so regularly. But it bothers me that some people view meat as so essential to a meal that it will actually keep them from enjoying the point of the whole thing, which for us is good company. This especially bothers me around the holidays, because isn't the point of Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's Day to get together with people you care about and share stories over a good meal? Is the need to put a very specific type of substance in your mouth, chew it repeatedly, and swallow it at the same time each year so essential that it's more important to you than the people with whom you're enjoying the holiday? It just seems so bizarre to me that, even though holiday propaganda indicates the holidays are supposed to be all about love and fellowship and happy memories, for some people they're really about ham and turkey.

The truth is, it hurts my feelings when people belittle our efforts to make a good meal, or more importantly to create an opportunity for fellowship, simply because the meal does not include meat. It's ridiculous, really, and I should probably tell them to bugger off if they don't like it. I think I'm going to have to get over feeling hurt by it, though, because it's really their weakness, and there's no indication that people will change any time soon. Besides, when should anyone ever feel bad for arranging a gathering for friends and family? I'm telling you, with guilt like this, I should have been born Catholic or Jewish. In fact, sometimes I wish I kept kosher, because people seem to be far more accepting of dietary restrictions based on religion than those based on health and conscience.

Of course, there are always people who will maintain that our version of Thanksgiving is not a real Thanksgiving, like this lady over at the New York Times. But what does she know? We hosted a fantastic vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner last year, no turkey whatsoever, and I doubt anyone left our house disappointed. We had sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, cheese grits, collard greens, several delicious salads, leek and carrot dressing, mashed potatoes with gravy, baked corn, savory pies, pumpkin cheesecake, chocolate maple pecan pie, and a few other things I can't remember right now. With all of that good food, who has room for turkey anyway?

2009-11-10T11:30:00.002-05:00

Mix It Up Day

Today is Mix-It-Up Day, sponsored by a favorite organization of mine called Teaching Tolerance. 2878 schools signed up to participate.

Now if only there were similar programs for adults.

2009-11-09T09:43:00.002-05:00

This Week in History

I remember one night as a kid hearing my dad say, "Alana, come over here. You need to see this." I sat down in front of the television and watched a mob of people jumping and cheering on top of a tall cement wall. Very soon, they started chipping away at the wall with whatever tools they could find and triumphantly waving small pieces of stone over their heads. I don't know how much I understood of what I was seeing, but I remember thinking it was really sad that these people had been kept separated from each other, that even families were divided. And I remember thinking it didn't make a whole lot of sense. My dad commented that he would give anything for a piece of that wall. (See? I'm not the only one in the family who likes to hoard old things.) I've never been to Berlin, but it's on my list, mostly because I really want to see the remnants of this old wall. I want to confirm that what I saw on television really happened. I want to stand where those people stood and think about what it felt like to tear down that wall, to think about what I would have felt had I been the one standing there holding a piece of it in my hand. I imagine it was a relief, like getting your hair cut...only better.

It's funny. I think the world has changed a lot in the last twenty years, and I think much of it has stayed the same. It seems that while some walls are coming down, others are going up. Nonetheless, I remember this one coming down with a weird mix of happiness and nostalgia.

But mostly I feel really glad the USSR never blew us up. I remember worrying about that occasionally as a kid. That would have been bad.

There's a wonderful interactive feature on the Berlin Wall over at The New York Times. Take a look.

2009-11-06T10:38:00.003-05:00

Help Wanted

Hey, everybody! So we're having a bit of a sad year over at the Molasses co-op. It seems no one is shopping this year, which isn't a surprise given the state of the economy. As of today, we have not yet broken even, which means we won't be able to make a donation to Ethiopian Orphan Relief. If you are giving holiday gifts this year, please consider buying something handmade from Molasses. The shop features a variety of handmade crafts and art, from photographs to scarves to candles. And if you don't see something you like, let me know. We might be able to make a custom item for you.

Also, please pass our link along to your friends and family. The more people we can get to stop by, the better our chances of selling a few items and making our donation.

Check us out:

Molasses: Sweet Handmade Stuff

You can always reach the co-op by clicking on the link at the right of this page. And thanks in advance for your support!

2009-11-05T08:41:00.002-05:00

Waiting

Disclaimer: If you had a really hard time waiting or are in the midst of a really long wait, I'm sorry. This post is not meant to annoy you.

I like waiting. I really do.

For one thing, I feel like I'm walking around with a secret. I'm going to have babies. Two of them. And no one can tell just by looking at me. It feels wonderful. It makes me feel a little bit invincible when people are rude to me. I want to say, "I know something you don't know." But I don't. I just smile to myself and keep walking.

For another thing, I feel like my husband and I are really enjoying our time together right now. It's not like we set out to. But I think we both know that each quiet morning together, each crazy vacation squeezed out of the budget, each easy night out with friends might be our last one for awhile. As a result, I think we are enjoying all of these things just a little more.

Another reason I'm enjoying the wait is that I don't really have to do anything. The paperwork was really grueling for us. We had to do a lot of things twice. It took almost two years from the time we decided to adopt to the finish. We spent two years reading, researching, filling out forms, writing letters. By comparison, waiting is glorious. Maybe I'm just lazy.

I'm enjoying getting ready for the arrival of our two babes...slowly. Right now, I have time to enjoy opening each gift, admiring each outfit handed down to us by our friends, imagining what our kids might look like in them. Right now, I have in my mind two beautiful children who don't fight, don't scream, don't throw things, don't get sick in the middle of the night. They just sit quietly smiling at me, occasionally giggling or offering hugs. I know this is not at all how my real children will be, but I'm enjoying this fantasy.

Most people really hope to have their children by Christmas. We thought for sure we would have brought our children home by now, but our paperwork took longer than we expected. The thought of having new babies at the holidays is wonderful, but I'm actually happy that we have one more Christmas to ourselves. We're spending this Christmas in New York, and I cannot wait. Cannot wait to see the shop windows, to eat at our favorite restaurants, to see a movie at Lincoln Center, to take a late-night stroll down 42nd Street. I'll listen to the traffic and look at the lights and watch the people go by. And I'll know after this last trip I will probably never see my city quite the same again. Nor will I ever see Christmas the same way again. That's not a bad thing. It's just an acknowledgment that everything is about to change.

I don't expect this serenity to hold out forever. I imagine sometime around the middle of January I will start to get antsy, to jump every time the phone rings. That little voice in the back of my head that says, "Maybe today is the day," will get louder and louder and louder. And God help us, if February comes and goes and we've got no referral, I will probably start to panic. But right now I am loving waiting.

This is the most magical time, because every day exciting. Every day is a day that we could become parents.

2009-11-03T11:37:00.003-05:00

A Tale of Two Cousins

Several years ago, I was having a really bad day at work. I worked as a collections manager at a museum in New York, and while I can't remember exactly why I was having a bad day, I'm sure it had something to do with someone mishandling museum objects. Anyway, I did what I always did when I was having a bad day. I went to visit my friend Molly. Molly worked in education at the museum (and truth be told had not a small hand in my getting the job in the first place), so visiting her gave me an excuse to get away from my department on the other side of the building.

That same day, another of Molly's friends, Anna, was also having a bad day. She was in the middle of adoption paperwork for starters, and her boss was not being very nice. She had ended up at the museum by what seemed like pure accident, because the somewhat troubled nonprofit organization she worked for was taken over by my museum. Anyway, a tired and frustrated Anna plopped down in the rolling chair across from Molly's desk, and that was the first time I met her. The three of us sat around and talked until I gathered my wits enough to go back to my office. I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember really liking Anna's shoes.

Later, Molly told me Anna was adopting from Ethiopia. Molly knew I had wanted to adopt for years, but Xander and I just assumed we were too young and too broke. Molly suggested I talk to Anna about their adoption, and eventually I got up the courage to ask her about it. Anna was really understanding, and when Xander and I eventually decided we'd like to adopt two children from Ethiopia, she recommended her agency. We have loved this agency more than we ever expected to love an adoption agency, and we would be fools if we didn't realize that both the wonderful people at our agency and Anna have helped shape our views on international adoption. While we were preparing to begin the adoption process, we got to watch Anna and her husband Ben as they concluded their adoption and brought their girls home. I still think they adopted the two cutest kids in all of Ethiopia, so at this point Xander and I can only hope for the third and fourth cutest.

Last week, I went down to New York to spend a few days with Anna and her kids, to ask them questions about their trip to Ethiopia, and to just generally enjoy some time in New York with friends. We were hanging out one afternoon while the kids were napping, chatting about where we grew up and where we were born. You see, even though Anna and I have known each other for awhile, she left the museum and I moved to Montreal, so we never had a lot of those basic conversations you have when you make a new friend. If not for the fact that we are both adoptive parents, it's entirely possible we would have gone our separate ways and never spoken again. But the internet is an amazing thing, and we've kept in touch despite the distance. Anyway, I mentioned I was born in South Carolina, and Anna said, "My family are also Coles from South Carolina. Wouldn't it be funny if we were related?" She's said this before, and there was that split second in my brain when I almost dismissed it and thought, "Yeah, but what are the chances of that?" I would have probably just moved on in conversation, but Anna remembered she had some genealogy information about her family, so she pulled it out. She said that from what she knew, her ancestors had been fairly poor. This wasn't that unique, but I commented that mine were also poor and that they had been mill workers. "Mine were, too," Anna exclaimed. Then she mentioned a few names of her ancestors, and I'll be damned if the names she mentioned weren't my ancestors as well. I sketched out my family tree, expecting that we'd discover our great great great great grandfather was the same or something. But it's much closer than that. To put it simply, we're cousins! Her mom knew my grandfather and has letters from him. I have emails from one of her uncles in my inbox. Her family attended those very same Cole reunions I attended as a child. They probably ate my grandfather's fried chicken and my grandmother's pound cake. We're cousins! Cousins. I just keep repeating it so it will sink in. We are cousins whose lives led us to the same city on the other end of the country from where I grew up. Cousins who were having a bad day and ended up standing in the same cubicle venting to the same friend at the same time. Cousins who both felt inexplicably compelled to adopt from Ethiopia.

So maybe you're like, "Big freakin' deal. You're related. You're from the South. This shit happens all the time." But the part that makes this pretty much the most wonderful bit of news this decade is that our kids will be cousins. Meaning our little Ethiopian babies will have Ethiopian cousins from--Are you ready for this?--the same orphanage. Now, maybe they won't care. Maybe they'll get sooooo tired of hearing me and Anna tell this story over and over and over again. I can already see their teenage eyes rolling. But even if it doesn't mean anything to them, it means something wonderful to me. You see, it's really easy to feel alone as an adoptive parent. Despite what news outlets might have you think, adoption is not all that common. Sure, we'll take our kids to events where they will have the chance to meet other Ethiopian adoptees, but we know those experiences will probably feel a little forced and won't necessarily result in lasting friendships. And even though Anna and I would have kept in touch anyway, even though I'm sure we would have gotten our children together from time to time to play, there's something that feels even more special about being able to say, "We're going to see your cousins." There will be something extra memorable about getting together in the summer and watching our kids swim and chase each other and get into fights over toys. Cousins. There will be people in their family who look like them, who come from the same place, who have been through what they've been through, and that is so wonderful to me that I can't fully absorb it all just yet.

This news has completely disarmed me. For days now, I'll just stop in the middle of whatever it is I'm doing and think, "Anna is my cousin." The way she put it, the only thing that could be cooler would be if we'd found out we were long-lost sisters. I've never been much for concepts like fate or God's plan, but this feels somehow meant-to-be. Two people who share DNA with a man who fought for the Confederate Army have grown up to live in the biggest city in the north and become adoptive parents to Ethiopian children. How many ridiculous decisions did we and others make in our lives that landed us on that very same piece of grey commercial carpet at the very same time? Thank God I'd had that really awful day at work, you know? My mind is blown, people. And every time I think about it for too long, I get a little bit teary that the universe can work this way, because I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather find out I'm related to than Anna and her family.

After we found out we were related, we spent the rest of the afternoon calling and emailing people and looking at photographs of our ancestors. The really old woman in the middle of that picture, the one who was born before photography even existed, is our great great great (plus one more "great" for Anna) grandmother.

Looks just like us, doesn't she?

2009-10-29T09:14:00.002-04:00

Pumpkin Deaths, Natural and Not

Last week, our neighbors invited us to go pumpkin picking. It was a grey fall day, but warmish (around 50F) with no rain. So in other words, not bad at all.

Unfortunately, the vast quantities of rain have wreaked havoc in the squash fields this year.

Everything was affected. Even the smallghetti. Poor smallghetti.

In the end, we stopped at a farm stand and bought our pumpkins there rather than picking them from the patch. We came home with one big one for carving and a few small ones for decoration and for soup.

We roasted the seeds.

Julius helped carve.

Voilà!

2009-10-27T15:25:00.004-04:00

Sarah. Saaaraaah. No Time Is a Good Time for...World Hunger. Ever.

2009-10-26T10:22:00.000-04:00

Showered!

We have been well blessed on the baby stuff front thanks to our amazing friends and family. Xander's sister, Elena, saved all of our nephew's baby stuff for us. Thanks to her, we have sheets and towels and boy clothes galore. Our friend Dana has kept many of her daughter's things for us, too. While we were out in Colorado, our awesome cousins threw us a baby shower with the family. We came home with more clothes and towels and baby wash and a nifty snack ball, all of which has finally made it into the wash. Well, not the snack ball.

Then, our amazing Montreal pals threw us a surprise shower here. And what a surprise it was! I was stunned. The most amusing part is that two of these friends are pregnant and in all likelihood "due" before I am.

Here's what happened. Xander and I enjoy playing a card game called Munchkin, and so do many of our friends. A couple of weeks ago, our friend Bret sent out a casual-sounding email suggesting that we come over to their place on Saturday for an epic game of Munchkin. I was the first to respond, very enthusiastically I might add. Saturday rolled around, and I told Xander I wanted to leave early to get some of that magic plastic stuff for our windows (highly recommended for you Northerners), so we decided to go to Canadian Tire before heading to our friends' place. While in the metro, we ran into our friend Rachael. I asked her what she was up to, and she responded in a bizarrely general way by saying, "Oh, I'm just going downtown." I remember thinking it was strange that she didn't give a specific answer, but just figured it was personal and I should mind my own business. After a few stops on the metro with us, she suddenly exclaimed that she was on the wrong train, that she meant to take the orange line, and she darted off. Weird, since she's lived here as long as we have. Anyway, we go to Canadian Tire, then start making our way back to Bret and Robin's place. Xander seems a little nervous that we're going to be late and comments several times that we should call to let them know. And I was like, "Please! It's only 15 minutes. I mean, they probably don't expect that we'll show up right at 2:00 anyway." Little did I know.

We walked through the door, and I didn't even bother to look up to see who was there. Robin looks at me and goes, "Surprise!" And for a second I was like, "Surprise what? Surprise you're here? Surprise we're playing Munchkin?" (I'm told my facial expression actually looked angry, but really I was just confused.) And then I noticed the crowd. All of our friends were there, including Rachael whom we'd just run into on the metro. Surprise baby shower! Good times. Robin made a very cool cake, she and Lindsey constructed a handy "diaper cake" loaded with diapering supplies, and Bret even bought some Beligan beer. (Belgian beer at a baby shower! Yea for adoption!) We got some adorable stuff, including some very cool stuffed animals and clothes, lotion and baby wash, a boat load of diapers, and gift certificates so that we can buy the cloth diapers we're planning to use around the house. Internetland, we are set.

All we need now are baby carriers, a fancy-schmancy double stroller, and a changing pad, all of which we can acquire online some Saturday morning while still in our pajamas. Is that awesome or what?

So in conclusion, our friends are better than your friends.

P.S. Special thanks to Pete and Robin for taking much better photos than we did.

2009-10-23T08:01:00.001-04:00

A Bit of Weird for Your Friday

I was looking at artist opportunities on the New York Foundation for the Arts website and found this call for male artists:

We've all seen it in the movies, magazines, and television (reality and otherwise!): men getting down on one knee, declaring undying love for the object of their affection. Partly due to my obsession with dramatic, romantic moments in movies, I have come to expect and want one of those moments for myself, despite my perpetually single state of being. We live in a modern world and it seems that you can really buy anything, so why not the proposal of my dreams?

I know there are millions of creative, handsome, talented, successful, men out there, and I want them to propose to me. I'm sure you're asking what do the suitors get out of it? Well, they get up to $20, and the opportunity to present me with a real proposal to marry me.

Weird, no? Go here to read more.

In other weirdness, it snowed yesterday. Snow. In October. Even though I knew Xander was in seminars all day, I was really tempted to call him up and shout into the phone that IT'S SNOWING IN OCTOBER(!!!!!) and demand a million dollars for my cooperation OR ELSE I'M LEAVING! But I didn't. Instead I made brownies. The snow is kinda pretty, really, especially with brownies.

2009-10-22T09:51:00.002-04:00

New Toy

My darling husband gave me a present for "having his children." (I know. Vomitously adorable, right?) He got me a new camera, one of those fancy digital SLRs. This might seem like a cheesy mama gift, like he gave it to me because he wants me to take really nice photos of his kids while he's off becoming a famous mathematician, but it was actually a very meaningful gesture in support of my identity as an individual. What many of you probably don't know is that I have a degree in photography. I don't really use it--long story--but I still enjoy taking photographs. I've been horribly resistant to digital photography, however, and this plus the fact that my darkroom is also our bathroom has led to a steady decline in photographic production around here. I don't even want to tell you when my last show was, but it's been awhile. So while I've done nothing special to earn this new camera, I decided to accept it as a call to action.

Anyhow, I've been testing it out around the house, and I went out with Katie earlier this week to practice some more. Suffice it to say this new camera is a far cry from my old Russian box camera. I'm still learning to use the new one, and mainly struggling with the fact that I now have to use a digital monitor to control all my settings, but I'll get there. I am mostly thrilled that I now have control over aperture again. How I've missed that! But I'm also pretty pleased with the automatic mode as well, because it seems to do better than anything on the low-light, around-the-house snapshots, especially when that handy little anti-shake button is switched on. Now I'm just waiting for my shiny new edition of Photoshop to show up, and I'll be all set.

Oddly enough, as soon as I got the new camera I had the urge to get back in the darkroom. I developed film for the first time in ages. We'll see what comes of that.

2009-10-21T08:43:00.006-04:00

Parenting Blind

There is a fascinating article in The New Yorker this month. (I'm not sure how long it will be available online, so you might want to save it now even if you don't have time to read it.) It talks about a general change in parenting styles and how this is reflected in recent children's literature. I admit that I have not read enough recent children's books to verify or disprove the author's assertions. However, I have heard from several people now that at least the New York parenting strategy is increasingly permissive. Manhattan parents in particular are famous for adopting whatever the latest fads are when it comes to raising their kids. (Supposedly right now the strategy is to hire a Tibetan nanny and never, ever put your kids in timeout.) As weird as this may sound, this is one of the things that makes me anxious about moving back there in a few years. I read all of this as a warning that I won't fit in with the other mothers. That I'll be that awful mother on the playground who raises her voice when Fabertid 1 is caught pushing Fabertid 2 off the swing. Because you know what? I'm kind of strict. And I have a feeling that's not going to change once we have kids. Once a boy old enough to know better threw a stick at me on a hiking trail, and I made him cry simply by glaring at him. (Don't worry about him, though. His mother was right there to hug him and tell him it was all right. At no point was he asked to apologize.) I also made a little girl cry recently by asking her in a stern tone for the fifth time not to pull the cat's tail. Horrible of me, I know.

Anyway, I can already hear the other mothers now, leaning over and whispering, "Did you hear what she said to her children? Those kids will need therapy for sure." I'll be the parent who just does not care about her children's development, who does not buy the latest educational toy or read the latest parenting book or stress too much about getting her kids into just the right school. As it is, the only baby-handling book we have is the one issued by the Quebec government, and even that one we're just planning to use as a reference. Basically, our parenting strategy is to not have a parenting strategy. It doesn't bother us at all that we don't know that much about raising children, much less having two small kids at once. People constantly say things like, "Two? At one time? Aren't you worried?" Not really. We're flying blind, people, and we're okay with that. Still, there's got to be some fancy name for our non-strategy. Back-to-Basics? Retro Parenting? The Eat-Your-Broccoli-and-Clean-Your-Room-Before-I-Totally-Hulk-Out-On-You Approach? Maybe if we come up with a fancy name for it, we can sound really knowledgeable when we bring our kids down from our fifth-floor walk-up in the Bronx to play on the Central Park playgrounds.

2009-10-18T15:00:00.008-04:00

A Little Contest

Our cousins Luke & Brie suggested we have a contest to see who can guess our referral date, or the day when our agency phones to tell us we have been matched with children. We think it's a great idea. Here are the rules and such:

1) The person who comes closest to guessing our actual referral date wins. (You only have to be the closest, not the closest "without going over" comme Price Is Right.)

2) Each person gets one guess.

3) We reserve the right to issue a tie-breaking challenge of our choice if needed.

4) Leave your guess in the comments section below with a name by which we can identify you. (Don't send us an email, because we're going to check the comments to find the winner. If you send an email, chances are I will forget all about it and your winning guess might be forever lost. And that would just be sad.)

5) You have until November 1st to enter your guess.

6) The winner gets bragging rights AND a $25 gift certificate to Kiva.

Here are a few helpful hints to guide you:

-Our dossier arrived in Ethiopia on July 28th.

-The current wait time with our orphanage system is around 4 to 6 months and usually does not exceed 7 months. In other words, we should have our referral by March. (We still won't travel for a few months after that, though, so don't get too excited just yet.)

-People who submitted their dossiers in late spring are just now getting their referrals.

One last note: Although many of us like to think we know when referrals will come, there's no set way to determine this. People get their referrals earlier and later than expected all the time, so don't think anyone really has a guessing advantage here. Feel free to jump in, even if you know nothing about adoption. The only thing that is certain is that our call will come when we least expect it.

2009-10-16T08:04:00.001-04:00

Engagement Photos? Pregnancy Photos? Whatever. We Like Them.

Recently, I asked our multi-talented friend Katie if she would mind taking some photographs of me and Xander together prior to the arrival of the Fabertids. I guess every expectant couple goes through this. We feel somehow compelled to commemorate our relationship as a couple prior to becoming a family of four. Like if we don't preserve this moment in time, it will be forever lost. Ridiculous, probably, but whatever. Sometimes we're just regular folks.

Anyway, this past weekend we set out to L'ile de la visitation for an afternoon photo shoot. Katie took some nice photographs, and we really enjoyed hanging out with her and her husband, Pete. There was lots of giggling over the fact that we all had to take the 69 bus to the park. (I know. Makes you question whether or not we're really mature enough to have children.) Engagement photos were staged. We even posed for a mock album cover or two. It was good times. We ended up with some great photos that, while they might contain a few somewhat cheesy elements, we think we'll really enjoy.

So thanks, Katie, for preserving our happy marriage in pictures before it gets ripped to bits by two very cute little people. Maybe we should do after shots in, say, 20 years?

Sadly, as we celebrate our marriage, I find out other people are being denied the right to marry at all. And not for the reason you probably think. I keep trying to be open-minded about moving back to the Southeast, but then stuff like this happens, and I'm reminded of one of the reasons I left. Sure, things are better than they used to be, but they always seem to be several moves behind down there.

2009-10-15T10:46:00.003-04:00

This American Life on Health Care

We've mentioned before that we're fans of the radio program This American Life. In the past couple of years, they've done a couple of fascinating shows that relate to the economy, with the help of the good folks at Planet Money . Last week's show and this week's show are both on the subject of health care in the US. The one last week was quite interesting, so we are looking forward to finding out what this week's episode has in store. Here's a blurb and a link to last week's episode:

This American Life: More Is Less

An hour explaining the American health care system, specifically, why it is that costs keep rising. One story looks at the doctors, one at the patients and one at the insurance industry.

Prologue:

Former Bush Administration official David Frum explains a very surprising fact about Bush's economic failure, as it relates to health care. Frum is a regular contributor to the radio show Marketplace.

Act One. Dartmouth Atlas Shrugged:

Are doctors to blame for the rising costs? NPR Science Correspondent Alix Spiegel reports on the shocking results of studies about varied health care spending. Hear more health care stories this week from Alix at npr.org.

Act Two. Every CAT Scan has Nine Lives:

Or is the problem the patients? Producer Lisa Pollak reports.

Act Three. Who Would Win in a Fight Between a Polar Bear and an Insurance Company?:

Or maybe the insurance companies are to blame? Producer Sarah Koenig reports.

Act Four. Now What?:

Host Ira Glass talks with Susan Dentzer, editor of the journal Health Affairs, about what current health reform proposals do to fix the rising costs of healthcare...And points at a surprising, kind of heartening phenomenon happening within the current debate.

2009-10-13T08:08:00.000-04:00

Why Adoption Is Easy

I posted this on That Social Networking Site the other day and thought I'd post it here as well:

The question we've gotten most regarding our decision to adopt is, "Why?" It's always loaded. For some people, the idea of having a family made up of members who do not share DNA is strange. How would that work? Will they really be "ours?" Will we love them as much? People who ask us "why" questions have varying motives, but our knee-jerk response (which we don't usually give) is, "Why not?"

Adoption just didn't seem like that much of a stretch for me. My family is made of blood ties, yes, but it's also made of love. I have two "half" brothers, two "bio" brothers, two "step" sisters, and one sister who became part of our family when she was a teenager. Now she's grown and has a daughter, my super smart and adorable niece. One of my "bio" brothers is married, and now I have a sister "-in-law." When I refer to my husband's sisters and cousins, I often just say "sister" or "cousin," because that's how I think of them. They're all part of my family. I don't love any of them any more or less than the others. Add to this a handful of friends that I consider to be family as well (John, Trey, Bobbi), people that I cannot imagine living without, people who will be aunts and uncles as far as our kids are concerned, and I have a pretty mixed family. It's not about shared DNA. It's about love. And we have plenty of that to go around.

Okay, that's enough sap for one day. I'll go back to swearing and making sarcastic remarks now.

Now where the F#*@ did I put my DAMN glasses?! JULIUSSSS!!!

2009-10-08T09:02:00.006-04:00

Marché Jean-Talon

I've been meaning to do a post on Marché Jean-Talon since we moved here, but I never remember to take my camera with me when we go. Now, we thought New York City had a pretty big farmer's market. On Saturdays in Union Square, the areas edging the park are filled with vendors selling all sorts of local produce and crafts. There are several smaller markets throughout the city as well, including in our old neighborhood. On Sunday afternoons, we would stroll over to buy our apples and vegetables and cider donuts. Cider donuts! Best ever.

Anyway, Montreal's farmer's market could kick New York's ass any day. It's enormous, and it's open all year. (In the winter it's indoors and much smaller.) It takes up an entire city block and is ringed by specialty shops. There are fromageries, health food stores, boucheries and boulangeries, poissonneries, and entire stores that specialize in olives and olive oil. The only drawback is that they do allow imports, although most things are local, so you have to keep an eye on the signs and make sure you are buying the local stuff. (Most of the time, the imports are obvious: pineapple, oranges, avodaco, etc.) This time of year just before the frost is the best, because fall vegetables are coming in just as the summer season is ending. So you can still get tomatoes and peppers and late strawberries and cherries, but you can also find pumpkin and cranberries and carrots and cerise de terre. Right now you can get peppers in every color imaginable. Purple and yellow cauliflower. Garlic is out in full force as are leeks. Giant monster leeks, too. Love them. It's impossible to stick to your shopping list this time of year, because there are so many amazing things that just jump out at you and demand to be taken home. This week, we came home with leeks, tomatoes, peppers, potatoes, apples, onions, some wonderfully smelly local cheese, and marinated olives from our favorite olive stand. It's also oyster season, which is one of our annual non-vegetarian indulgences. This year we brought home a box of malpeques from Prince Edward Island and steamed them with lemon. Delicious. If you want to get an idea of what it's like to shop here, this video will take you down just one aisle of the market.

2009-10-06T09:13:00.000-04:00

Reading Assignments

Today, I have a few assignments for you residents of Internetland.

As often as we can, we try to read stories about adult adoptees' experiences growing up. I guess we believe that if we can better understand the concerns and challenges other adoptees have faced, we can be better parents to our own children. The author of the blog Harlow's Monkey recently posted a brief essay she had written regarding her experience growing up as a Korean child in a white American family. The essay is entitled Things They Never Tell You When You're an Orphan in Korea, and it's worth a read.

And this story from a fellow adoptive parent is both heartwarming and heartrending all at once. This is what we both hope for and fear. I can't even fully explain what I mean by that. Just read.

Thirdly, Michelle Martin of NPR recently responded to questions about race on her program Tell Me More. Listeners wanted to know why she commented on Joe Wilson's outburst during Obama's speech on health care but did not comment on other recent incidents that might pertain to race, such as the Kanye West/Taylor Swift fiasco. She discusses "Race: The Non-Issue That It Is" here, and I definitely recommend listening. The piece is only a few minutes long.

And, just for fun, here's an article from The Root in which The Cosby Show is discussed as "activist television." It's been 25 years since the first episode aired. 25! Eek!

2009-10-02T10:09:00.000-04:00

Fall Kick Off

Last weekend, we went along with a group of friends for the quintessential start-of-fall activity: apple picking. The apples were red and ripe. The sky was blue. Our company was merry. There was feasting on cheeses and breads, juggling, and of course apple picking. It was a glorious fall day in the country. By the end of it, our merry band had picked about 140 pounds of apples! We came home and made apple sangria, apple oatmeal cookies, apple pie, and applesauce, and we've still got enough apples left for apple tarts. I think the photos speak for themselves.

2009-10-01T14:59:00.001-04:00

Satisfaction Comes in Cans

This isn't the first year I've ever canned or frozen fruits and vegetables, but it is the first year I made any attempt to put away enough stuff to actually make a difference in our winter diet. I won't lie. It was a lot of work, mostly because I did small batches of things here and there rather than all at once. But it's totally not hard, and I know it's going to save us a lot of money. Plus it will help us keep our commitment to eating locally-grown foods all year, and it cuts way down on the amount of processed food we buy. Less processed food equals less energy consumed and less waste, and that makes us very happy.

If you want to give canning a shot, you can check out this site for instructions. I just used the Better Homes and Gardens Cookbook for guidelines, although there are tons of books and websites out there to help you. Just pick whichever one has the prettiest cover. I canned crushed tomatoes, diced tomatoes, salsa, pickles, peppers, and applesauce. I froze peaches, raspberries, strawberries, haricots, corn, asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower (which I can't spell for anything in English anymore), green onions, pesto, and peppers. I also froze a few batches of roasted red pepper and tomato soup. This plus a good supply of potatoes, onions, carrots, beets, and dried beans and peas and we won't even have to leave the house during those weeks when the highs are in the negative 20s. Winter is NOT getting me down this year. You hear me, January! I'm not afraid anymore!

2009-09-30T07:21:00.006-04:00

Hold the Phone

This isn't the kind of thing I usually rant about, but I practically have steam coming out of my ears. When exactly did giving drugs and alcohol to a 13-year-old before coercing her to have sex with you become not rape? I'm a Polanski film fan as much as the next guy, and I remember being soooo disappointed when I was younger and finally heard about what he'd done, but I am utterly appalled that so many prominent people are wasting their time supporting this guy. The dude had sex with a child--which is illegal in the US, by the way--confessed to it, and then evaded punishment by fleeing the country. (The man should have pled crazy, and he would have had plenty of support for that given the life he's had.) He was 44 at the time. We're not talking about a 19-year-old boy falling in love with a girl who's still in high school. Nothing about what Roman Polanski has done is defensible. Moreover, coming out in support of this guy is sending a very strong message to girls and women that their rights don't matter, that a man who takes advantage of them will not be held accountable, especially if he's well-connected. That is not okay.

Yes, I know Roman Polanski has had a really shitty life. Yes, I know the victim has said she forgives him. Yes, I know the judge went back on his word. And yes, I think that might be enough to keep him from being extradited. I'm okay with that. But what I'm not okay with is all of these really famous people defending a statutory rapist and saying he's "suffered enough." Are you kidding?! I'd consider boycotting the films of all of these Polanski supporters, but it would mean there were no movies left to watch.

She was 13. He was 44. Let me put that another way. She was thirteen. He was forty-four.

These fools are defending a guy who once said, and I quote, "If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… f—ing, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to f— young girls. Juries want to f— young girls. Everyone wants to f— young girls!"

Some are saying that public opinion strongly favors Polanski's release. Well, you know, I have never been very popular. Why start now?

2009-09-29T09:37:00.001-04:00

J'apprends le français. Merci de votre patience.

When we first moved here, I was fairly optimistic about my ability to learn French. I had been working with a tutor for several weeks before our move, and I was finally getting to the point where I was comfortable with some basic interactions. I took a job in the Old Town in a shop where I had to assist customers in French. (They made me a nice button to wear that said, "J'apprends le français. Merci de votre patience.) I didn't mind fumbling a bit and would often begin interactions in French. But frequently I would meet people who were impatient, or sometimes completely annoyed, with my lack of fluency. Most people would just switch to English. Other times they would incredulously exclaim something like, "You live in Québec and you don't speak French?!" It was discouraging. And I am much too self-conscious to insist upon French when the person on the other end has already given up on me.

After a year and a half, I can actually say that living here has probably made my French worse, not better. I have longed for a way to fix this problem. Wouldn't it be great if one could simply get French injections? Like vaccines. Or maybe if you could get one of those voice box things that would automatically translate whatever you said into French? Or maybe something like this:

Sadly, no such products exist, so I decided to hire a tutor. And I also subscribed to this service. My biggest problem is that I just can't understand anyone. Although my French is broken and often grammatically incorrect, I know enough to explain myself in most situations. But knowing what to say doesn't do any good if you cannot understand what the other person is saying in the first place. The Québécois accent doesn't help.

The truth is, I think the lesson I really need to learn is one that no one else can teach me. It's that I'm human. Learning a new language is hard for me. And that's okay, because I am good at a lot of other things. I will probably never be fluent in French, but I keep trying, and really that's about all anyone can do in life. J'apprends le français. Merci de votre patience.

But really, French injections would be so cool!

2009-09-27T14:10:00.003-04:00

In Defense of Television

It's that time of year. When the leaves are changing, apples are ripe, and all of the networks compete for viewers with TV shows new and old. And I'll be one of those viewers. I love television. No matter what anyone else says, I believe it has value. And it turns out I'm not the only one.

I have a handful of friends who "don't watch television," and I certainly respect their preference not to. There's plenty of nonsense on there for sure, and I think it's totally reasonable when someone prefers to spend his/her time doing things besides staring at magic pictures in a box. However, I do feel frustrated when people disparage television on the whole or consider the fact that they don't watch television a point of pride rather than just a simple choice of hobby. (To me it's like saying, "Oh, I don't do needlepoint." Who cares?) Awhile back, a news article discussing CBS's choice to edit a racist rant out of Big Brother was followed by reader comments about the general worthlessness of television. (I quietly wondered how many of them regularly check LOLCats for updates before perusing their friends' Facebook pages and watching videos on YouTube.) But the funny part is that their rants actually just reinforced one of the major benefits of television: it can serve as a starting point for very useful conversations. In this particular case, it started a conversation about race and free speech.

The "boob tube" of late is anything but. Sure, there's still plenty of garbage on television, but there is also a lot of wonderful programming. We are fans of numerous shows these days, including Lost, Mad Men, House, History Detectives, Nova, and 30 Rock. I must admit we have never been fans of reality television, mostly because I just don't have the stomach for the drama and bickering that comes with it. But I'm willing to consent that some of those shows may have value as well. I'm just not personally aware of it.

I like television for many reasons. Perhaps the best one is that it can provide common ground where otherwise there might be none. Shows like Lost, for instance, carry a devoted group of followers that will discuss the details of an episode ad nauseam, often building positive feelings about those with whom they share this interest. Particularly entertaining Saturday Night Live skits are discussed at work and school and emailed around to friends and family. Coverage of major sporting events helps build a sense of community (and a sense of enmity, to be fair), like when most of America became enamored with Shaun White during the 2006 Winter Olympics. Along those lines, television also provides a good starting point for conversations, both lighthearted and serious. Episodes of Mad Men frequently incite long discussions in our household about what it meant to be female in the 1960s, what a marriage should be, and how to raise children, never mind which cocktails we like best. Shows like 30 Rock and The Simpsons provide social and political commentary that can raise awareness of current issues and spark discussion, not to mention make us laugh. Television also inspires creativity through programming that deals with food, fashion, home improvement, etc. The Food Network is responsible for a number of new dishes in our household, for instance. Along these lines, television also gives people access to information they might not otherwise have had. (I admit sometimes this is a bad thing, particularly when people get their "facts" from some of those "news" programs out there. Personally, we prefer to get our news from the Colbert Report.) When put in the hands of intelligent, thoughtful people, television can be a wonderful thing. Will we let our children watch it? You bet.

Honestly, though, for us television provides one thing that we value above all of this other stuff: much needed escape. We look forward to laughing at Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin each week. We like the suspense and heated debate that comes at the conclusion of each episode of Lost. And oddly enough, we even enjoy that slightly frustrated, empty feeling we get at the conclusion of each episode of Mad Men. Whereas some might proudly proclaim some superhuman resistance to the power of television, we proudly proclaim our allegiance. Sure, we can and have lived without it, but we prefer not to.

2009-09-25T09:18:00.006-04:00

For Goodness Sake

I love the art and essays of Maira Kalman. Her latest one is a charming tribute to the public service workers of New York City.

One of my favorites is the one she did following the inauguration of Barack Obama, "The Inauguration, At Last."

Isn't she wonderful? Her work always makes me smile. I think the Fabertids might need one of her children's books.

And ohmigod, she has even illustrated The Elements of Style. I think I might have a crush on this woman.