The Fobcave

Doing Yardwork Makes Me Feel Manly

2009-07-11T11:12:00.001-07:00

And I say so with the assumption that were I a woman, doing yardwork would make me feel womanly. Female readers may confirm or deny.

Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

2009-07-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

Tonight as I was fiddling with my TV antenna, trying to get it in the perfect position to get the best reception, I had a brilliant idea: Body antennas.

Just think about it. The human body is like the best antenna there is. If you don't believe me, touch your TV antenna and see the difference. And what do we do with human bodies when we're done with them? We dump them in the ground. Why not put them to good use? I propose, therefore, that rather than letting dead bodies rot away in graveyards, we convert them into TV antennas.

Cable and satellite, your fifteen minutes of fame are done. Now begins the age of the body antenna.

When I'm home alone, I totally talk to myself.

2009-07-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

And I'm not ashamed to admit it. Gotta talk to someone.

A Very Useful Chart

2009-07-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

I became a Mariah Carey fan around the time of 1995's Daydream (specifically, with the first single, "Fantasy"). I followed her during the following years, even buying Rainbow when it came out during my mission (the mission rule was very vaguely that we were only to listen to music that uplifted us... isn't Mariah uplifiting?), but the disastrous Glitter and then the mediocre Charmbracelet happened to correspond with my conversion into a musical snob, at which time I decided I was too cool for popular artists like Mariah Carey. So until recently, I owned only her middle five albums. But then this past week, a few stars and planets aligned: (1) I had a few weeks' worth of Amazon.com gift certificates from work accrued, waiting for me to use them; (2) perhaps because I spent all week listening to Michael Jackson songs and tributes, I decided that I'm no longer too cool to enjoy pop music; and (3) I realized that there were several Mariah Carey songs I liked but didn't own. So I fixed that. First I bought her first three albums and MTV Unplugged EP, and then I figured what the hey, and bought the two most recent ones as well.

Having completed several hours of research now, I will share my findings with you.

As you can see, Mariah is on a relative upswing. We'll see if she keeps that up with her new album coming out this summer. Stay tuned in, and on the edge of your seats.

Probably Not

2009-07-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

I am physically incapable of typing the word "probable" without first typing "probably" and then backspacing the "y" away and replacing it with an "e." Which is unfortunate, because I have to type "probable" pretty frequently for my job.

By the way

2009-07-01T22:01:00.001-07:00

I'm missing the middle part of my background image. I think it's because my UW account expired. I'll fix that one of these days, once I feel like I'm not playing catch-up with the rest of my life.

Fob & Foxy Plus 3

2009-07-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever watched an entire episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8, but I find myself fascinated, along with the rest of America, with the recent(ish) announcement of their separation. In the first place, my heart goes out to both of them and to their kids, because I have an idea of what that's like (from both the parents' and childrens' perspectives). Secondly, it's got me thinking about when Foxy and I made a similar announcement (though to a much smaller audience) a couple years ago. I've also been thinking about our separation because over on A Motley Vision they've been discussing "Abraham's Purgatory," a short story of mine that is so strongly linked to that period of my life.

I'm not sure I have much to say beyond that, except that it's been on my mind, and I'm happy to still be married to FoxyJ, and I'm happy that she and I can own that decision as ours alone and not something anyone else told us to do. I also hope the best for Jon and Kate and their family, whether that means their separation becomes permanent or that they get back together or whatever, and I hope that when you talk abou them--if you care to--that you remember they're real people and deserve real compassion.

Strolling Down Main Street and Hoping Not to Get Hit By a Trolley

2009-06-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

The Queen of Outer Blogness, C. L. Hanson, has kindly offered me the opportunity to showcase the Fob Bible on Main Street Plaza. Being the egotistical fellow I am, the excerpt I chose to post is my own short story, "The Changing of the God."

Hey, why are you still here? Get over to MSP and read the story!

Today's Confessions

2009-06-25T17:14:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of sad about Michael Jackson dying.
I will totally buy the inevitable posthumous release, despite feeling like that's a betrayal to artistic integrity, since the only reason the album he's been working on hasn't been released yet is because he didn't think it was ready.
I will do the same whenever (Jah forbid) Lauryn Hill dies. Like Jacko, she's got to have a buttload of recordings being held back by her perfectionism.

It's Like Ten Thousand Spoons When All You Need is a Knife

2009-06-21T09:25:00.000-07:00

Back when I was a faithful churchgoing person, my least favorite day of the year to go to church was Fathers' Day. Among other things, I've always been uncomfortable with the hypercodification of gender stereotypes that tends to go with talks about the importance of fathers.

So of course, now that I don't go to church anymore, one of the few days a year when I do go is Fathers' Day, because I figure if my daughter is singing (with the Primary) for me, I ought to be there to hear it. To be honest, the talks bother me less as I distance myself more from the church and become more comfortable in my own role as a parent and human being, but what really made it worth it today--apart from watching S-Boogie being adorable on stage--was the Snickers bar they gave to all the fathers at the end. If they gave out Snickers every week, I might consider reactivating myself.

(Note to my atheist friends: No doubt some faithful member of the church will now offer me a Snickers a week to attend church, so you should consider it your humanist duty to provide me with a counteroffer of, say, two Snickers a week not to go. Let the bidding begin.)

Even More Fob Bible Goodness

2009-06-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

Tyler Chadwick at A Motley Vision wrote a very nice review of the Fob Bible. A commenter noted that Tyler's review did a much better job of explaining what the Fob Bible is than anything she'd seen previously, so if any of you have been wondering what exactly is this thing Mr. Fob keeps trying to sell you, I'll let Tyler explain:

The Fob Bible, an anthology of stories, poems, closet drama, and email correspondence, positions itself within this general tradition of enhanced, altar-type, family Bibles, though with a significant revisionary difference: instead of constructing a new apparatus intended to direct our study of the scriptures in specific, predetermined ways or offering a new translation of a text that has already been translated repeatedly, the contributors to The Fob Bible have re-imagined well-worn Old Testament stories, revisiting Eden and its surrounds, the Deluge, the final moments of Sodom and Gomorrah, Abraham and Isaac’s ascent to Moriah’s pinnacle, the relationship between Isaac and Esau and Esau and Jacob, Joseph’s—then Moses’—journey into Egypt, Balaam’s bond with his ass, Samson, Solomon, Rehoboam, Naaman, Ezra, Job, Jeremiah, Daniel, and, of course, Jonah and the giant fish.

These postmodern visitations reshape each historically privileged narrative and narrative voice from the perspective of the less-privileged story, the unheard voice, offering new characters—or familiar characters recast in new molds—the opportunity to speak and, in the process, to influence the world “in exciting new ways.” For instance, Danny Nelson gives voice to Job’s wife, a woman unnamed in the canon whose scriptural screen time amounts to one line of dialogue and two obscure references, three slight appearances from which she is sometimes judged to be “bitter, angry, and wrong.” Yet, Nelson gives the woman a name, “Hadasa,” the whole cast of human emotions, and a book of her own, a space in which she (or Nelson’s version thereof) can flesh out her poignant account of Job’s tale, which is, in the end, their story and deserves to be told in her voice, too.

Tyler goes on to talk of the "revisionary proclivity" of the Fob Bible, attributing this to the fact that all the writers are Mormon, part of "a Christian religious heritage founded on a restorationist theology." Though I don't consider myself Mormon anymore, I like Tyler's take on this idea, and I'm happy to attribute any revisionary proclivities I might have to my Mormon heritage. It makes sense. But don't take my word for it; go read Tyler's review. As Theric points out in the comments, the review itself is a work of art, and we don't just say that because he says nice things about us. (But it doesn't hurt.)

I Like People

2009-06-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

I often get frustrated with people, either because of their stupidity or my own lack of social skills, and declare that I want nothing to do with the human race. This past week, though, I've felt rather fond of our little species. Following is a list of people for whose existence I have been grateful this past week (if you're not on the list, I think you should ask yourself, to paraphrase Janet Jackson, "What have you done for Ben lately?"):

FoxyJ, who has filled the role of Supermom superbly, both before, during, and after the move, despite the fatigue of being two months pregnant. When she and I do difficult things together, I'm reminded of what a good team we make.
S-Boogie and Little Dude, who remain lovable as ever, despite how frustrating they can be sometimes.
My sister L, who did the footwork of househunting for us so we could just get here and unload the truck into our nice new home.
My mother-in-law, Earth Sign Mama, who flew out to Davis, helped us pack, helped FoxyJ drive across Nevada, and helped us unpack here before flying back home on Monday.
The elders quorum in Davis, who helped us load a 16' truck in about 45 minutes.
The relief society in Davis, who helped us get our apartment cleaned a good hour and a half ahead of schedule.
My mom, two sisters, brother, brother-in-law, and my sister's boyfriend who I'd never met before, who all were ready to unload the truck as soon as we got here.
Green Mormon Architect and family, who stopped by to help while we were unpacking on Saturday.
Edgy and Dec (or is his blogonym now Flameman?), who would have helped, had I arrived two hours earlier, as I intended to.
My brother-in-law L, who showed up Monday morning to mow our overgrown lawn.
Tolkien Boy, Brozy, Samantha, and all the other friends and family we've seen and/or will see soon, reminding us of why we moved back to Utah.
My boss, who said a couple weeks ago, "Hey, I heard you were looking for a full-time job. Do you want to work full-time for us?"

Life is good. I'm kind of exhausted now because we've been going nonstop for a couple weeks, but I'm happy. I spent a good portion of the drive here grinning, and I don't think it was just because I was in the moving truck, with not a screaming child in earshot.

My Gambling Addiction OR How I Lost All the Money in My Wallet

2009-06-19T19:28:00.001-07:00

Last Friday night we stayed at a hotel in Winnemucca. I arrived first, so while I was waiting for Foxy and the kids, I wandered into the casino. I had a dollar in my wallet, and I've always been curious to try a slot machine, so I put the dollar into one. I pressed the button and... lo and behold, I was rewarded with two gold dollar tokens! I decided to be a smart gambler and quit while I was ahead. I had, after all, doubled the money in my wallet.

Then Saturday morning, as I was leaving, I was faced with the choice of turning in the two tokens for two dollars in real money, or trying to win something more worthy of turning in for real money. So I put the two tokens into a slot machine and... I lost.

After driving home from Winnemucca with no money in my wallet, I have learned my lesson: I will never gamble again. Unless, perhaps, I have two dollars in my wallet next time I'm in a hotel in Nevada. That way if I lose the first one I'll have a second to gamble with.

Observations Upon Listening to the Radio For the First Time in Years

2009-06-12T22:03:00.000-07:00

The Foxmobile has a CD player and an auxiliary outlet for plugging in MP3 players, so I never listen to the radio in the car. The moving truck, though, has no such extravagances, so today I listened to the radio for about five and a half hours. I observed the following:

The rotation on Sacramento's top twenty station starts over after about an hour and a half. Which, if you think about it, makes sense--that's about how long it takes to play twenty songs. Maybe a little longer with commercials.
Every third song on that station has Kanye West either rapping or singing on it. Now, Kanye West has made some music I enjoy (but of course I liked him before he was cool, because I'm way too cool to like things average people like), but he hasn't made much that I like in a couple albums. I'm especially not a fan of his singing--much as I give him props for experimenting with different musical styles. But still, he just can't sing. The autotune or whatever he uses to warp his voice doesn't make it any better (or maybe it does, but in that case his natural voice must be pretty horrible).
I was able to get Sacramento stations almost all the way to Reno. This surprised me, as I'd imagined I wouldn't get anything in the mountains.
After Reno, the selection slowly dies down. I listened to NPR for a while and wondered why I don't more often. When NPR went to a jazz show, which was nice sounding but not loud enough to keep me awake while driving, the best thing was a seventies rock station, which wasn't all that bad.
By the time I got to Winnemucca, the only available station was country. I considered just turning the radio off, but decided to bear with it. Country is actually kind of entertaining, in small doses. I particularly enjoyed a song about a widow who was accused by the Hartford Junior High School PTA of being a bad mother because she wears short skirts and drinks too much. She then tells the PTA off by pointing out that they're all hipocrites, and then the shocking twist at the end (spoiler warning) is that the woman is... the singer's mother. Shocking!

Stay tuned to find out what entertaining observations I have to make about the second half of my trip tomorrow!*

*DISCLAIMER: I probably won't make observations about the second half of my trip, unless I hear something really incredible on the radio. I'm stretching the limits of reader generosity to expect you all to read just this one post.

If we were better environmentalists,

2009-06-11T16:26:00.000-07:00

we wouldn't move so often.

It's a Girl!*

2009-06-05T11:34:00.001-07:00

*Gender based on Chinese gender chart and the personal preferences of the unborn child's parents. And c'mon, that line is definitely pink.

Wha-HUH?

2009-06-04T11:05:00.000-07:00

Seen on the interwebs this morning:

Drive Carefully

2009-06-01T08:36:00.000-07:00

Because the Fob Bible hits the streets today! Order your copy now. (By way of disclaimer, I haven't ordered my copy yet only because I'm moving next week and don't want to lose it in the mail.)

According to the official description, The Fob Bible is "The Old Testament re-imagined through poetry, verse, closet drama, e-mail, and short story." I would add that said re-imaginations strike just the right balance of thoughtful reverence and humorous irreverence toward the source material to please believer and non-believer alike. And that it's really good.

And anyone who can tell me the difference between poetry and verse wins bonus points. There's certainly enough variety of poetry and verse in the book to warrant two labels, but I'm just not clear on the distinction.

The Fourth Wall

2009-05-31T10:50:00.000-07:00

This week Foxy and I signed a lease to rent a home in Orem, close to Scera Park. Not an apartment, mind you, but an actual house, and for three hundred dollars cheaper than we're paying for our apartment in Davis. The plan is to rent for a year while we save up for a down payment, then buy something, ideally within the same elementary school boundaries, next summer. We're both excited to have four walls of our own--living in three-walled sitcom sets gets old after a while.

Fob Bible Release Party Recap

2009-05-29T23:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks to those of you who stopped by the party. To those of you who didn't make it, you can still relive the fun here. The highlights of the party were live readings of a few excerpts from the Fob Bible, which I'll happily repost for you here.

FoxyJ reading "Capitulation: Forbidden Squirming" by A. Arwen Taylor:

Me reading an excerpt from "The Changing of the God" by B.G. Christensen:

Eric reading "Them Bones Them Bones Gonna -- Walk Around (a bar song)" by Theric Jepson:

Lady Steed reading "Philistina" by Danny Nelson:

Me reading "Wings" by Sarah E. Jenkins (sorry, Sarah, I'm not a great poetry reader):

And finally, Eric reading the illustration captions as if they all go together in a long, nonsensical story:

Now that we've whetted your appetite, buy the book!

Ere you left your computer this evening...

2009-05-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

Did you think to stop by the Foblog after 6PM PDT to check in on our Fob Bible Release Party and say hi? (Click the link Foblog link to sign up for an email reminder.)

Also, don't forget to pre-order your copy of the Fob Bible!

Proof of My Inability to Learn From My Mistakes

2009-05-26T17:46:00.000-07:00

Summer 2000, Spain

September 2007, Hawaii

May 2009, California

A Tiny Little Victory

2009-05-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

The California High Court has ruled to uphold Proposition 8 (bad), but also to legally recognize the same-sex marriages that were performed before the ban (good). This decision comes as no surprise after the hearings and legal commentary thereafter, and of course I would rather the entire thing had been overturned, but it's a huge relief to me to know that the people I know (as well as the ones I don't) who were married last year don't have to fear losing their marriages. It's a small step forward, and there's simply no denying that come 2010 or 2012, California will take that final big leap toward equality. And it's also nice to know that by then it will be in the company of several other states.

Now if only Obama would make good on his promises to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell and DOMA, the nation as a whole could make those same little steps forward...

Fob Bible Goodness

2009-05-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

The Fob Bible will be released on June 1st and is now available to pre-order. Whether you order because you want to see Old Testament stories as envisioned by literary geniuses, because you don't want to feel guilty next month when I ask you what you think of it, or because you want to donate money to the LDS Humanitarian Fund, rest assured that you're making the world a better place for you, me, and poor kids in Africa.

To celebrate, we'll be throwing a release party this Friday, May 29th, at 6pm PDT. Can't make it to the Fobcave in Davis, CA? No problem. Pop into the Foblog sometime Friday evening, see what's going on via liveblogging, say hi via comment, and pour yourself a glass of sparkling cider to celebrate with us.

Cheers!

A QUOTIDIAN BOOK OF SCRIPTURE
CONTAINING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO,
THE JUICIEST PORTIONS OF THE
OLD TESTAMENT

—sans, for obvious reasons, Judges 19—

translated through means of memory and nightmare
out of the pre-translated tongues (being mainly English):
and with the former translations ignored,

or—in special cases—
dictated but not read,

by His Fobbiness’s
special command, in perpetuity,

worlds with very definite (and sometimes good-looking) ends,
albeit of a feminist bent in places,
with far too many references to behemoths and leviathans,
and thus, being indebted to the grace of your most gracious progenitrix,
published in the year of the FOB seven
(using the Jepsonian calendar for its ease of dates).

Fully Authorized Fob Version

The Haunting of Old McDonald

2009-05-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

Remember how in Big you know the fortune-telling robot machine is possessed by Satan because it works even when it's unplugged?

A couple years ago we got a toy tractor for our kids at a thrift store. There are buttons on the steering wheel that are intended to make animal noises and play music when you press them, but by the time we bought the toy, the sounds had been reduced to a drunken mutter. Happy to have less sound produced by our children's toys, we never looked into replacing the batteries or anything.

But then a couple months ago, after the tractor had been left out in the rain one too many times, it started making animal noises and music loud and clear, except not when you press the buttons--just whenever it feels like it. At first we found this amusing, but this morning at five o'clock when outside my bedroom window I heard

OLD MCDONALD HAD A FARM, E-I-E-I-O,

louder than should be legal and over and over and over again, I was not so amused. After the ninth or tenth time and a good half hour of not being able to sleep, I stumbled out onto the patio with a screwdriver, took out the batteries, and then stumbled back into bed.

And without the batteries it didn't sing anymore, which I suppose means it's not possessed by Satan. But still, that wasn't very comforting at five o'clock this morning.