The Blog Of A Loner

Missing Posts??

2007-01-18T14:26:00.000-05:00

Another reason to dislike Blogger. The last seven or eight posts I wrote for here have vanished. I suppose it could have been a fuck up on the Dean's Planet end, but I doubt it. Obviously, I haven't been around here much lately, but I still want my shit to, oh, I don't know, not get deleted.

I know you're all sick of me being lazy and not doing shit for the site. I am, too.

New Year's Eve. Time To Go To Work.

2006-12-31T09:59:00.000-05:00

Yes, this happens to be one of the biggest party nights of the year. For a raving drunk such as myself, you'd think I'd be pratically salivating in anticipation of tonight, thinking, "At last! A night where it's socially acceptable to be foolishly irresponsible!" And I know a lot of you have parties and shit like that going on tonight... it doesn't make you better than me! I used to be into all that shit too, but these days I prefer to get bombed in peace. I don't need fellow drunkards trying to kiss me at midnight, either. Keep your lips away from me, motherfuckers. This is cold and flu season after all.

Besides, I'll probably be too damn tired to go out partying tonight. My life this past week has resembled the instructions on a shampoo bottle; Stumble out of bed. Try not to fall asleep in shower. Trudge to work. Try to keep blood pressure down as you deal with stupidity beyond imagination. Trudge home. Drink moderately. Pass out. Repeat.

There's really only one person that I'd like to spend New Year's with, but I'm guessing she won't be available. Or she'll be with all of her wonderful friends, trying to convince herself that she's happy. And if you numb yourself enough, sometimes you can go for YEARS without realizing how miserable you are. That shit doesn't work for me anymore. So, don't expect to see me at the bar tonight...

But if my phone rings later on tonight, who knows what might happen...

Can't Wait For This "Holiday" Shit To Be Over With

2006-12-28T09:41:00.000-05:00

My computer moniter has taken a dump, which is why I haven't been posting here this week. This entry has been cut and pasted from the MySpace blog, which I can still somewhat see, despite the fact that the moniter's display is VERY dark and fuzzy. But I should have a replacement within the next day or so, and then I can finally finish my column about The Lost Boys.

I was actually dreading Christmas day ending this year--not because I was in a festive spirit or anything, it's just that I knew I was in for tons of bullshit this week at work. Thus far, that's been an accurate way to put it. My boss chewed my ass out for a good half hour yesterday, yelling at me about things I had absolutely no control over. He's all worried about a company audit we have coming up in a week or so, so he's been a real joy to be around. I'm not worried, personally. Based on what I'm hearing, it's a foregone conclusion that we're going to flunk this bitch. So why should I stress out over it?

Christmas itself wasn't too bad. The food was good, and my fridge is still piled high with leftovers I haven't gotten around to eating. But my mother's kooky twin sisters (who up until recently had spent more than a decade living in Arizona) showed up this year. I think my brother found their antics amusing, but I found them extremely annoying. One of them was babbling on in the car about how she'd went to a psychic... and based on what this con artist told her, she now believes that my dead grandmother had a secret diamond ring that her other sister kept and screwed her out of. That's right, because of what a "psychic" told her. I thought she was kidding at first, but apparently she actually believes this shit. I actually started laughing at her, but then my mom shot me a look so I shut up. She was also talking about this "terrible cold" she had, while hacking and coughing all over the damn place. (Then digging her hands into the chip bowl.) She also got totally demolished drinking strawberry daquaris and spent the entire night braying her shrill, hyena-like laughter, which felt like someone repeatedly jabbing a dagger into my ears. Finally, she went into my mother's spare bedroom and passed out, snoring so loudly that it sounded like a whole fucking fleet of jets landing. The rest of the family took turns going into the room to laugh at her. That was Chritmas for me in a nutshell.

I'm Only Here Because I Have No Friends, Goddammit.

2006-12-18T22:52:00.000-05:00

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All Right...

2006-12-18T22:41:00.000-05:00

The weekend is over, so I'm coming back. I've got not one, not two, but three columns in the works. And don't worry, I won't bore you all by babbling on about A Christmas Story. You can read the MySpace blog if you're interested in that shit. I see that a lot of you are still hanging around, no doubt waiting for my "theatre phase" to pass. Well, I guess it HAS to, whether I want it to or not. My job is so tired of my bullshit. They really didn't give a fuck if I had a play to do, they wanted me there. Besides, I'm sleep deprived to the point of insanity right now. I don't even know what the fuck I'm writing about. Is it making sense? Aw, I don't give a shit anyway...

Keep an eye on the main page. There WILL be at least one new column on the Dean's Planet main page before this upcoming weekend.

A Christmas Mystery

2006-12-14T23:06:00.000-05:00

I got a Christmas card in the mail today. That in itself isn't strange. The strange part is that I have no idea who sent it. Oh, there's a local return address... and a name... but for the life of me, I haven't the slightest clue as to who the fuck this person is.

The card is self-addressed, and there's more than just a signature inside. In other words, this isn't a generic card sent out by a business. An actual person sent this. (And they misspelled my first name, too.) But who??? I've gone over lists in my head; "Is it a co-worker? No... nobody I work with has that last name. Is it an obscure relative that I haven't thought about in years? No... I'd have figured that out by now. Is it some chick I banged and forgot about...??" Thus far, I've come up empty. Very perplexing, this situation.

Now, you'll notice that I didn't list the person's name here. This is by design. It's possible that whoever sent it reads my blogs, and they might get very offended if they find out that I have no clue as to who they are.

Thank you anyway, mystery person.

As Soon As This Weekend Is Over...

2006-12-14T11:11:00.000-05:00

...I'm coming back to my roots. I've discovered that writing is my thing, and NOT being onstage. I highly doubt that I'll ever act on the stage again, at least not when I'm saying somebody else's words. So look for a new column... and regular updates to this blog... and more anger than ever, because I haven't felt this jaded in YEARS. So, for those of you who sit around waiting for me to get off my lazy ass and write something, the wait is just about over. It's time to shake some shit up...

Lousy. Fucking. Weekend.

2006-12-11T10:45:00.000-05:00

Well, it was. It was bad enough having to work most of the weekend, despite hardly sleeping at ALL. And don't even get me started on Saturday night... it was a horrible evening topped off by a lousy meal of burned fries and chicken strips, with some overpriced beer thrown in for good measure. (And Red Robin usually has decent food, too.) Sadly, the shitty meal was actually the fucking highlight of the night. What a total fiasco.

Actually, I should clarify something a bit. The weekend wasn't all bad. On Sunday, I stayed home, watched Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back and ate horribly unhealthy snacks, so that was, you know, pretty cool. I suppose I could have done something more productive with my time, like write a column or maybe make a half-hearted attempt to clean this dump. But I just wanted to sit around and feel sorry for myself, so that's exactly what I did. We're all entitled to a little of that sometimes. I just sat here, curtains drawn, candles lit, stubble on my face... but I'm feeling a bit better now. Ready to face the world again, however begrudgingly.

Never thought I'd be looking forward to a Monday, but here we are...

Holiday Cheer

2006-12-05T10:49:00.000-05:00

I thought this was supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year," but people seem to be far from jolly as the holidays approach.

Despite the CONSTANT barrage of Christmas music that can be heard everywhere I go, the stores don't seem particularly busy. Maybe other people are finally getting tired of this shit, too. I think more and more people are doing their shopping online, as well as doing the whole, "Fuck it, I'll just get her a gift card" thing. I'm really sick of hearing how greedy retailers are trying to separate people from their money--especially since at the end of every holiday season, they bitch about how sales were "below expectations." Boo-fucking-hoo. The economy sucks, and I really could give a fuck if Wal-Mart makes only 50 billion in profits, as opposed to 40 billion.

People are even cranky at the grocery stores. I was trying to make my way to the checkout counter the other day, but was head off by a huge mass of slack-jawed morons who'd formed a haphazard "line" at the U-Scan. Normally I use the U-Scan too, but decided against it that night. The line was too long, plus most people are too fucking stupid to operate them, so they spend approximately 45 minutes trying to ring up and bag their six items.

So, I'm trying to get past the mob scene at the U-Scan and over to a manned register when this 60-something guy suddenly decides I'm trying to cut into line in front of him and his frumpy wife. "Excuse me there, chief, but what do you think you're doing? We're waiting in line here."

Maybe he was trying to assert his fading manhood in front of his wife... who knows? Either way, I turned to him and said, "Um... good for you, gramps. I'm trying to get over to the other register."

"Oh," he says, eyeing me suspiciously.

Suddenly, red hot rage boiled over from my stomach and into my face. "Oh!" I said back at him. "Is that okay with you???"

"I don't care what you do!" he sputters back, and then quickly avoids any further eye contact. I guess he didn't want to deal with a man half his age and twice his size, especially one who clearly thought he was an idiot.

I should stock up an plenty of can goods, frozen stuff and non-perishable items so I can avoid grocery shopping for the rest of the year. In fact, if I had my way I'd go into hibernation... just like a bear. Wouldn't it be great to just go to sleep and wake up when all this bullshit is over?

HO! HO! HO!

On The Set

2006-12-04T11:25:00.000-05:00

Will this show actually come together and be good? I don't know, but you have to admit at least one thing... that leg lamp kicks major ass.

One Week

2006-12-01T09:34:00.000-05:00

People seem to think it's funny how somebody who hates Christmas would be appearing in a stage production of A Christmas Story.

Maybe it is funny in a way. But only the "adult" part of me hates Christmas, you know. There's still a lot of "kid" in me that remembers how the season used to be, and that's the thing that's been getting me through rehearsals since October. Much like Ralphie Parker once coveted a Red Ryder B.B. gun more than anything, I once longed for a ColecoVision video game system... a very expensive, hard-to-get present in 1982, similar to a PS3 in today's terms. And much like Ralphie, I had opened up what I thought were the last of my presents that morning only to have to my dad come up from the basement holding a ColecoVision in his arms. The scene where Ralphie gets his B.B. gun is actually very similar to what happened in my real life some 24 years ago. I try to remember that when I'm playing "The Old Man" on stage. Sometimes, even MY dad wasn't a complete prick.

The show actually opens one week from tonight and it's finally starting to come together. The set, which has been slowly hobbled together by a small group of dedicated people, is actually starting to look like a real set. The props are finally trickling in, including the Red Ryder B.B. gun and the leg lamp. That's not to say the show is ready to go, because it isn't... not by a LONG way. We've still got a long week of dress rehearsals in front of us, where things will (supposedly) come together and become a cohesive show.

I take my script to work with me every day, and I use my break periods to go over the lines. I don't NEED to do this, as I've had my lines committed to memory for several weeks now, but it's better than making small talk with my co-workers. People tend to leave you alone when you look as if you're deep in thought. Some of my co-workers are curious about it and ask questions... but most of them have no idea what I'm doing, and I got more than a few strange looks when people saw me reading A Christmas Story on a day like, say, October 11th. But you know, I'll be happy when this thing is over in a few weeks. I'd kind of like to have my life back, such as it is. And I've been neglecting my Dean's Planet duties for far too long. I mean, seriously, I haven't written a new column since that Mandy Lynn interview. But I'll remedy that soon enough...

Is anybody even still reading this blog?

Constant Christmas Music Is Hammering Away At My Will To Live

2006-11-28T09:01:00.000-05:00

Arrrrraaaagggghhhhhh!!!

This has been going on since the middle of November; The music service at work suddenly decided to switch over from the bland, pleasantly non-offensive soft rock they normally play to Christmas music... and I mean NOTHING but Christmas music... all fucking day. I'm about ready to start savagely tearing people's throats out with my teeth.

There are what, approximately 40 trillion Christmas songs in the world, right? And of ALL these fucking odes to rampant consumerism and greed, I like maybe five of them. I dig McCartney's Wonderful Christmastime, for example. And you can't go wrong with Lennon's Happy X-Mas (War Is Over) either. But if I have to hear another shitty version of A Very Special Christmas or Baby, It's Cold Outside, I'm going to go fucking postal... BIG time.

You know what's worse? My dad (who up until fairly recently I assumed had a set of testicles) absolutely LOVES the shit. I was in the car with him last year and he had some Christmas bullshit playing on the stereo. "Let's turn this shit off," I groused, reaching for the channel changer. "No, I like having this on," he says, stopping me. "I like Christmas songs. It really gets me into the season." I literally did a double take. "Say WHAT???" I even tried to look for a telltale lobotomy scar on his head at that point, but his hair is awfully thick. I don't know, I guess that's what happens when you get older. My dad USED to be into Black Sabbath... now he jams "Smooth Jazz" on the radio, which is best described as "Weather Channel Music." "Listen to that," he says as he's playing it on the radio, "You can really hear the individual instruments." Meanwhile, all I can think of when it's playing is, "Partly cloudy skies today, high of 47 degrees..." If I EVER start jamming to the shit they play on The Weather Channel, I'll know I'm getting old.

But no matter what happens, I'll never like Christmas music. Not ever. Fuck Christmas music. And while we're at it, fuck Christmas, too.

Welcome To My Nightmare...

2006-11-22T10:04:00.000-05:00

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Blue Thanksgiving

2006-11-22T09:43:00.000-05:00

Come tomorrow, I will be spending Thanksgiving alone.

It's nothing personal. It's just that my mother is going to her in-law's house for Thanksgiving dinner, as is my brother. So I guess that means I have nowhere to go tomorrow. My mom feels really bad about it, I think. We went out to dinner last night and she kept apologizing. Honestly, I'm not that concerned about it. The best thing about Thanksgiving is the leftovers, so that's the only thing I'm really going to miss. Besides, it's fitting that Jeremy the Loner spends a holiday alone, wouldn't you agree? So don't feel too bad for me. I guess I can live without three pounds of leftover turkey.

AND THEN THERE WERE NONE...

The great Sea-Monkey experiment has finally come to an end, as the sole brine shrimp survivor finally croaked the other night. The colony was SUPPOSED to be able to sustain itself for two years... but you know, I have a very hard time keeping aquatic animals alive. Years ago, I had a fish tank in my apartment that my brother gave to me. I bought filters for it, cleaned it up really nice, fed the fish properly... yet nothing seemed to live in there for very long. My friends began jokingly referring to the aquarium as "The Death Tank." The joke was that I'd come home one day and find one of my cats floating belly up in the water, as yet another one of the death tank's many, many victims. The only thing that seemed to thrive in there was the algea eater, which grew to monstrous, almost frightening proportions.
But now, all of my Sea-Monkeys are gone, too. I guess they all slaughtered one another, rather than face a life spent in the gloomy, lonely hellhole that is my bedroom. "The Death Tank" is alive and well for a new generation. I guess I can't do anything right, can I?

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Eat plenty of stuffing for me, will you???

Oh Father

2006-11-21T01:54:00.000-05:00

"It's funny that way
You can get used to the tears and the pain
What a child will believe
You never loved me

You can't hurt me now
I got away from you
I never thought I would
You can't make me cry
You once had the power
I never felt so good
About myself

Seems like yesterday
I laid down next to your boots and I prayed
For your anger to end
Oh Father, I have sinned

You can't hurt me now
I got away from you
I never thought I would
You can't make me cry
You once had the power
I never felt so good
About myself

Oh Father
If you never wanted to live that way
If you never wanted to hurt me
Why am I running away?
Oh Father
If you never wanted to live that way
If you never wanted to hurt me
Why am I running away?

Maybe someday
When I look back, I'll be able to say
You didn't mean to be cruel
Somebody hurt you, too

You can't hurt me now
I got away from you
I never thought I would
You can't make me cry
You once had the power
I never felt so good
About myself..."

Halls And Nutty Broads

2006-11-16T11:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm feeling slightly better as of this morning. I've even been able to somewhat hide the fact that I'm sick, save for the occasional coughing fit and the aroma of Cherry-favored Halls, which undoubtedly hangs heavy over me like a veil of death. I tried to have a few beers last night, which is the first time I drank since "The Tom Green Incident," but that didn't exactly work out. Somehow, the combination of cheap beer and Halls cough drops aren't exactly pleasing to the tastebuds...

I amused myself last night by fucking with yet another person. Not Tom Green this time, though. Nope, this time it was my roommate's "girlfriend," who is a nutty broad that he hooked up with in a chatroom. He met her online one night, she came over a few days later and he banged her. Good for him, I guess. I mean, I was a bit, shall we say, unimpressed when I saw her in person, but whatever floats his boat, you know? She was laying it on really thick with him, claiming she "loved" him and all that shit. But then, the funniest thing happened... I was online one night about a month ago, and he'd forgotten to log off from Yahoo Messenger. She sent me a message (thinking I was him), and when I told her he wasn't there... well, let's just say things got interesting. Not more than half an hour later, she was attempting to seduce me. I started playing along with it, just to see how far she'd go. The next thing I knew, she was talking dirty to me and flashing her boobs on her webcam. I was laughing my ass off, thinking, "Oh great, here we go again..."

Yeah, that's right, I said "again." This is the second time in a row where a roommate's "girlfriend" has attempted to seduce me. My last roommate was seeing this girl (who he's NOT seeing anymore) and she called me up one night, made small talk for about two minutes and then came right out and said, "So... do you wanna fuck?" I about choked on a mouthful of liquor when that happened, because I was NOT expecting it. But I did the right thing by not fucking her... plus, I told him all about it. He wasn't too surprised, as that was pretty much "par for the course" for her. But I don't fuck around with a friend's woman. That's a good way to turn a friend into an enemy--and while I don't really care if people hate me, I'd much prefer apathy.

Anyway, this other girl has been trying to get into my bed for WEEKS now. So, of course I told my current roommate all about it. It's been fun watching her try to juggle two of us at the same time. She has no idea that we've both been in on this scam she's been trying to pull since day one... and sometimes, one of us will have an online conversation with her while the other one looks on and laughs. The funniest part is this... I've seen her in person only twice, and both times were VERY brief. And I didn't say one word to her either time. Now, she's making it sound like she wants to start a whole new life with me. I can't believe some of these damn women...

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitley not against being seduced. But it would be nice if the woman wasn't banging a roommate of mine. It would be even nicer if she wasn't fucking nuts...

Oh, Great. Now I'm Sick.

2006-11-14T09:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I woke up with a raging sore throat this morning, courtesy of my idiot roommate, who spent the better part of a week hacking all over the apartment. This was in spite of my frequent urgings to, "Cover your damn mouth, you fucking moron." That stupid asshole. Whenever he finally drags his lazy ass out of bed, he's gonna hear it from me. I plan on pounding on his empty skull until it cracks open, or until I knock some sense into it. Knowing him, I'm guessing it will crack open first.

You have no idea how much this pisses me off. As if I didn't have enough to worry about over the next few days without throwing this into the mix. I fucking told him, "Look, if you insist on sneezing and coughing with your slack-jawed mouth hanging wide open, the least you can do is go into your room, close the door and do it there." He can do whatever the hell he wants in the privacy of his own room. I NEVER go in there. Hell, I'd be afraid to, lest I get buried in an avalanche of his fucking Star Wars toys. Seriously, this is a guy who doesn't have a pot to piss in, yet he has thousands of dollars worth of stupid toys. Bloody hell.

Now, I have the added joy of being treated like a leper for the next several days. You know how people get when they know you're sick. They start holding up crosses in front of themselves and bellowing, "Back! BA-A-A-ACK!!!" Oh, and I'm sure rehearsals for the show will be an absolute wingding, too. Try projecting your lines when your fucking throat feels like it's on fire. At least I'm nice enough to take precautions so that I don't infect anyone else. I'll make sure not to do things like, oh, I don't know, kiss my stage wife or hack all over people's faces, like that troglodyte roommate of mine.

So, how is YOUR morning going???

The Loner Versus Tom Green

2006-11-11T08:59:00.000-05:00

So, I was puttering around online the other night, bored out of my skull and drinking an obscene amount of cheap, cheap vodka. I was completely demolished. You should know, in the past year or so I had pretty much stopped drinking hard liquor, preferring instead to stick to my cheap beer. And lately, I hadn't been drinking enough beer to get smashed... just enough to take the edge off, you know?

Anyway, I saw Tom Green had posted a bulletin on MySpace about a live show he was doing that night from his house. Apparently, since every single one of his MTV type talk shows has failed miserably, he now has to do his show strictly on the Internet. It's not hard to see why. I was actually one of the people that liked the original Tom Green Show and found parts of it pretty funny. His talk shows, on the other hand, really suck. Green is NOT a good interviewer and he's boring as all hell. Besides, I felt I had a bit of a bone to pick with him after that whole DeansPlanet.com failed interview fiasco. (See the October 6th entry for more about that.)

I noticed from the bulletin that Tom's show was broadcasting live at 11:00pm and that his guest was Ross the Intern from The Tonight Show... you know, that pudgy, flamboyantly gay guy that Leno randomly discovered on the street one day and now does shit for the show? Now, I have nothing against Ross the Intern and wasn't all that interested in talking to him. But then I noticed that it just happened to be 10:57pm and Tom's site had a phone number posted where you could call into the show live. Plus, my phone just happened to be sitting there. In my drunken state, it was just too much to resist. So, before you could say, "Why are you calling L.A. at eleven o'clock at night?" I was dialing the number...

To my surprise, I got right through and immediately found myself talking to a screener. As my clouded recollection goes, the call went something like this;

SCREENER: "Tom Green Show."

JEREMY THE LONER: "Uh, hi. I, uh, have a question for... uh, Ross."

SCREENER: "And what is your question?"

JEREMY THE LONER: "Uh... well... you know..."

SCREENER: "Aw, come on, man." *click*

Well, dammit. I'm usually quick on my feet in situations like that, but not after consuming a gallon or so of vodka. Besides, how was I to know they were going to ask me what I wanted to talk about? I hadn't thought that far ahead. And I couldn't very well say, "Oh, I'm just calling to fuck with Tom," could I?

So I picked up the phone and dialed again. This time when the screener answered, I assumed a "flamboyant gay man" voice of my own and started going on about much I just LOVED Ross the Intern. This time, I got right on the air;

TOM GREEN: "Hi, you're on live."

JEREMY THE LONER: (suddenly back to my normal voice) "Hey, guys."

ROSS THE INTERN: "Hi!"

JEREMY THE LONER: "Look, I just want to say... we're having a party over here, the booze is flowing..."

TOM GREEN: (Said SOMETHING at this point, but I have no idea what the fuck it was.)

JEREMY THE LONER: "Well, what I REALLY want to know is..."

TOM GREEN: (Hangs up on me.)

Dammit again! Now it was getting personal. I should have just given up at this point, but you know, vodka and all... So what did I do? I dialed AGAIN. All in all, I ended up getting on the air a total of at least three times. One time I started talking about Britney and K-Fed's impending divorce and I think I even defended Federline's new CD just to see what the reaction would be. (Notice I said "think." I really only vaguely remember the conversations from that night.) Then, after Green kept hanging up on me, no doubt sensing I was a drunken asshole that was about to single-handedly ruin his show, the screener started getting wise to me. "Didn't you already call tonight?" he asked me. Of course, I lied and said I didn't, but he hung up on me anyway. Also, my ability to do many different sounding voices was hampered by my extreme inebriation. So then I had my roommate call from his cell phone, and as soon as they put him through I got back on the phone AGAIN. The thing is, I never really did anything to fuck up his show. I was just spreading drunken cheer. Although there was one point where I yelled, "Hey, Tom, why did you blow off the Dean's Planet interview??" but I think Tom had hung up on me (again) by that point.

I'll definitely call back again at some point... sober this time... and we'll really have some fun. Then, after I get my own show on the net sometime in the future, Tom can call in and fuck with ME.

It's only fair.

No Alcohol+Nothing To Do=Pointless Survey

2006-11-09T13:31:00.000-05:00

1. EVER BEEN GIVEN AN ENGAGEMENT RING?

No, but one of my ex-girlfriends THOUGHT I was going to give her a ring during dinner one night. The look on her face didn't exactly look joyful, though... it was more along the lines of SHEER PANIC. I'm not sure what she was worried about. Number one, I have no desire to get married. Number two, even I'm not tacky enough to propose at the Red Fucking Lobster.

2. LONGEST RELATIONSHIP?

It was about a year. The reason it lasted that long was because we were both so busy that we only got together a few times a month. See that? That's the secret to making a relationship last... NEVER SPEND TIME TOGETHER.

3. LAST GIFT YOU RECEIVED?

Well, I received the gift of life when I woke up this morning. But that wasn't a gift, exactly... that's just God's way of prolonging the 30+ years of punishment that is known as my stupid life.

4. EVER DROPPED A CELL PHONE?

I don't own one and I doubt I ever will, so no. I'd LOVE to drop kick yours, though, especially if you're one of those assholes who chat on them while swerving all over the road.

5. WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT?

Ha ha.

6. THING(S) YOU SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON?

Funny, but after you get done paying bills, there never seems to be "a lot of money" left, does there? I do spend quite a bit on cheap beer...

7. LAST FOOD YOU ATE?

A Pop Tart, washed down with a mouthful of vodka. Nahhh, I'm just kidding... I never eat Pop Tarts this early in the day. That's just not right.

8. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX?

My eyes tend to dance all over the opposite sex, probably in a none-too-subtle manner. Not enough time spent with a warm female body will do that to you.

9. ONE FAVORITE SONG?

There's too many songs that I USED to love, but now they make me think of people I shouldn't be thinking about. So I rarely listen to anything anymore, save my own singing in the shower.

10. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

A fucking dump. In a shithole city, in a boring state.

11. HIGH SCHOOL YOU ATTENDED:

I'd rather not say. Some of my readers are fucking loons, and I'd rather they didn't know EXACTLY where I live.

12. CELL PHONE SERVICE PROVIDER:

Aw, blow me.

13. FAVORITE MALL STORE:

Gee! If I were a 15-year-old girl, this would be a PERFECT question! Since I'm not, let me say this; Fuck malls. And fuck the mindless dolts who shop at them.

14. LONGEST JOB YOU HAD:

I wasted five years playing Al Bundy at a shoe store. I think that's when I discovered the joys of drinking too much alcohol.

15. DO YOU OWN A PAIR OF DICE?

No, just a set of cajones. Unused ones.

16. DO YOU PRANK CALL PEOPLE?:

Oh yeah, and I'm fucking great at it. I especially love when people dial my number by mistake, because they're in for an experience they'll never forget. Go ahead, try it... I dare you.

17. LAST WEDDING YOU ATTENDED:

Ord and Andrea's, but only because I was best man. I have an aversion to weddings and don't feel comfortable at them... except for the open bar, of course.

18. FIRST FRIEND YOU'D CALL IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY:

A travel agent. Oh wait, you said "friend." I wouldn't call anybody. I'd just get the hell out of town and never return.

19. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND:

I don't have a best friend, hence the name "Jeremy the Loner."

20. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT:

It used to be Burger King, but then they stopped the .99 cent Whoppers promotion. Fuckers.

21. BIGGEST LIE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD:

Uh, I guess that would be, "You're my soulmate, Jeremy."

23. WHERE'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO EAT WITH FRIENDS?

I don't know... I'm starting to get annoyed by this survey.

24. CAN YOU COOK?

I make a pretty mean Mac n' Cheese. Other than that, my microwave is like an overworked mule.

25. WHAT CAR DO YOU DRIVE?:

Ha ha, don't ask.

26. BEST KISSER:

Jennifer. She made my fillings rattle. Damn, THAT was a kiss.

27. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?:

When I looked in the mirror this morning.

28. MOST DISLIKED FOODS:

Anything good for me, of course.

29. THING YOU LIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:

I like nothing about myself, and can't see what anybody else could possibly like about me, either.

30. THING YOU DISLIKE MOST ABOUT YOURSELF:

Hmmm, should I do this in alphabetic order?

32. LONGEST SHIFT YOU HAVE WORKED AT A JOB?:

Only about 13 hours. Selling furniture really, really sucked.

33. FAVORITE MOVIE?

"GoodFellas" and "Boogie Nights."

34. CAN YOU SING?

You've heard better. But you've certainly heard worse.

35. LAST CONCERT ATTENDED?

I think it was the Ringo Starr show I saw with Dave. I rarely go out for shit like that anymore...

36. LAST KISS?

Just over a week ago...

37. LAST MOVIE RENTED:

I don't rent movies. That's what friends and roommates are for.

38.ONE THING YOU NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT:

Hopefully my keys, otherwise I'm gonna be REALLY pissed when I get home.

39. FAVORITE vacation spot

The fucking couch. Boo-YEAH!

43. LAPTOP OR DESKTOP COMPUTER?:

This is a desktop computer, placed on a very unstable, shoddily built computer stand that wobbles like hell....

44. FAVORITE COMEDIAN?
George Carlin, 'Lil Jimmy Norton, anybody raunchy and funny.

45. DO YOU SMOKE?

Um... no. Of course not.

46. SLEEP WITH OR WITHOUT CLOTHES?

That really depends on the amount of alcohol consumed. Usually I pass out in a t-shirt and cutoff sweats, but then sometimes...

47. WHO SLEEPS WITH YOU EVERY NIGHT?:

Monte the Loner Cat.

48. DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS WORK?:

No. Relationships are ALL doomed to fail. Especially yours.

49. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN PULLED OVER BY THE POLICE?

A few times. And would you believe it? I wasn't under the influence even ONE time!

50. PANCAKES OR FRENCH TOAST?

Grandma's french toast. Too bad she's dead.

51. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?:

NO. No. No.

52 HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?

Unfertilized. (Rim shot.)

53. DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY?:

No, I'm not a moron.

54. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?:

Marc. My mom hasn't called to yell at me for weeks.

55. LAST PERSON ON YOUR MISSED CALL LIST?:

Jennifer. Oh, and I think my work called, but I missed THAT call on purpose.

56. WHAT WAS THE LAST TEXT MESSAGE YOU RECIEVED?:

The word is spelled "received," you fucking idiot.

58. NUMBER OF PILLOWS?:

Four. The more pillows you have, the less hangover you have the next day. Words to live by.

59. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW?:

Black pants, no shirt and a black bow tie. Oh, and tassles.

60. PICK A LYRIC, ANY LYRIC:

"I tell the others 'don't bother me,' 'cause when they look at you they don't see what I see..."

61. WHAT KIND OF JELLY DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PB & J?:

Strawberry jam, motherfuckers!

62. CAN YOU PLAY POOL?:

I can, but much like everything I else, I suck at it.

63. CAN YOU SWIM?

I can float pretty good... then I let the fish nibble on me...

64. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?:

Cookies n' Cream, even though I can't stand Oreos plain. There's something wrong with me.

65. DO YOU LIKE MAPS?

No, I'm more into atlases... maps don't turn me on, you know? (What the hell kind of question is that???)

66. TELL ME A RANDOM FACT ABOUT YOURSELF:

I'm a prick. And since we're on the subject of "random facts," here's a random fact about this survey... it skips certain numbers, but I don't feel like correcting it.

68. EVER ATTEND A THEME PARTY?:

Only ones that I used to host every October the 9th. I think it's safe to say those days are done.

69. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?

The Season of the Witch, of course.

70. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED AT SOMETHING STUPID?

Can't remember the last time I laughed. Usually, I'm scowling.

71. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP THIS MORNING?

Well, I never REALLY slept. I think I got up around 10:00am, but that's only because the cat was on my ass to feed him. Fucking cat wants to eat, like, every day.

72. BEST THING ABOUT WINTER?:

When it's over?

73. LAST TIME A COP GAVE YOU A TICKET?:

Almost ten years ago. I'm a sneaky bastard and I rarely get caught doing bad things.

75. NAME OF YOUR FIRST PET?:

I had a cat named Kitty Boy Floyd when I was a toddler. I used to carry him around like a toy and never got a scratch from him. He'd shred anybody else who tried to touch him into ribbons.

76. DO YOU THINK PIRATES ARE COOL OR OVERRATED?:

I think pirates blow cock. Those fucking Johnny Depp movies suddenly made pirates "cool" again. I hate people.

77. WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS WEEKEND??:

I don't know, but hopefully it will put me at risk for a STD. Actually, I'll be working and going to rehearsal. Just like last weekend. And the one before.

78. BIRTHDATE:

April 10. The exact same day the Titanic left port in 1912, as it turns out. April 10 has PLENTY of disasters throughout history.

79. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE:

Somebody else.

85. ARE YOU ON A LAPTOP?:

Great, now we're repeating questions? And I thought I had a short attention span...

87. ARE YOU SMILING?:

No. I think I forgot how.

89. DO YOU MISS SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?:

Oh God, yes. But does anyone miss me? Not likely...

90. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WHERE WOULD YOU GO?

Some place where the natives look upon Jeremy the Loner as a God. In other words, a place that doesn't actually exist.

92. ARE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?:

Mentally and emotionally, yes. Physically, no.

93. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?:

Why, of course. I'm not dead... not just yet. Getting there, though.

94. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAME?

Peter Gozinya.

95. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHING SUIT?:

Holy shit, the last time I went swimming I used a pair of Bugs Bunny boxer shorts as my suit. Consider yourself lucky that you weren't there to witness it.

96. DOES YOUR SCHOOL START IN AUGUST?:

The School of Hard Knocks has classes all year long. I'm going for my Masters next year...

97. DID YOU GO ON VACATION LAST MONTH?:

Vacation? In October? A nice thought, but no. Besides, being out of work in late '04 and early '05 was more than enough "vacation" for me...

98. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON A CRUISE?:

No. I don't like the idea of being stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Not even WITH a bar inside.

99. DO YOU HAVE A SISTER?:

No. Just a brother who never calls.

100. ARE YOU UPSTAIRS?:

On the third floor. I'm so glad that I don't have to live underneath me, what with the way I stumble around heavy-footed in the middle of the night.

101. ARE YOU IN LOVE?:

No. I don't think that concept exists for someone like me.

102. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THE HOSPITAL?:

Only to visit people who were dying. Lucky them, their problems are now over.

103. DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SEE ANYONE PARTICULAR RIGHT NOW?:

Yes and no.

104. WHAT JEWELRY ARE YOU WEARING?

I own no jewelry whatsoever, other than what other people inexplicably bought for me. I think I still have a necklace and a bracelet that what's-her-face got me, but it's been in a drawer forever, never worn.

105. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO AFTER THIS SURVEY?

Hopefully, something more interesting than filling out dumb surveys written by 15-year-old imbeciles.

Forever Afternoon (Tuesday?)

2006-11-07T09:46:00.000-05:00

Don't worry, no lyrics today. The Moody Blues reference in the title is strictly a red herring. Besides, you know, it's Tuesday...

Okay. I'm thinking seriously of moving this damn blog some place else, preferably a site where I can, oh I don't know, update the blog whenever the fuck I feel like it and not have to ask myself, "I wonder how Blogger is feeling today?" Maybe I could move it over to my MySpace account. Sure, MySpace has PLENTY of bugs of its own, but at least the blog over there (which I almost never update) isn't a problem. Hell, even Xanga or Live Journal aren't sounding too bad at this point. I'm sure I'd lose a LOT of readers in the moving process, but I really don't give a shit...

Halloween was (yet again) a major disappointment this year. I had to work for one thing, and the only redeeming thing about that was I got to make a nighttime visit to what I have now deemed "the haunted dumpster." By the time I got home, the streets were already deserted... and it was barely 8:00pm! In my day, we used to stay out a hell of a lot later than that. We'd be out trick or treating until ALL of the porch lights went out. What's wrong with these kids today??? It seems like every new generation is going out of their way to ruin Halloween. Fucking kids ruin everything.

I miss my "Sounds of the Season" on Music Choice, too. Me and the Rev got into that cable channel a couple of years back, and I dig it. From October 18th to the 31st, they play nothing but Halloween-related music on the channel. Why not play it the entire month of October, you ask? I have no idea... but I think it's part of the vast "let's ruin Halloween" conspiracy that seems to be going on these days. Blame it on the Republicans.

Anyway, I ALWAYS have Sounds of the Season turned on once they start in with Halloween music. I don't watch much TV, but I like having it on in the background while I'm vainly trying to update my blog. It was on when I went to bed Halloween night, and when I woke up November 1st and turned the TV back on, it was playing a Gloria Estefan Christmas song. That's right, a fucking Christmas song. On the first of November. You never saw a person change a channel as fast as I did. Get ready for two solid months of Christmas cheer getting crammed down your throat. Again, blame it on the fucking republicans. And no, I'm not a democrat, in case you were wondering. Fuck BOTH of the major parties. Ultra left and ultra right wing people are fucking idiots, for completely different reasons. So make sure you get out and vote today.... um, for somebody else.

Well, I'm gonna cross my fingers and hit "publish post" now.

ARRRGHHH!!!

2006-10-29T09:55:00.000-05:00

So, I got one of those Scrubbing Bubbles "automatic shower cleaner" contraptions for the bathroom. The thing had been lying around in the box for almost two months because I was too lazy to bother taking three minutes to install it. "Why not just buy a cheap bottle of Clean Shower," you ask? I don't know, I suppose I'm stupid. Besides, I had a sinking feeling that MY shower was too far gone for any cleaner to handle. The fucking tub is always backing up, clogged with hair, soap scum and God knows what else. I have to pour Drano down that mofo at least twice a month; and I'm not talking about that pansy ass, wimpy shit either. I'm talking about the heavy duty industrial shit that nearly dissolves the pipes because it's so strong. If you so much as took a sip of this shit, you'd find yourself minus your esophagus in mere seconds.

Anyway, you hang this thing from the shower nozzle and it has a big container of cleaner attached to a base with a blue button on it. When you press the button, it gives you a warning beep which is a five second warning to get the fuck out of dodge. I should have heeded said warning beep. I didn't, but I'll get to that in a minute...

I've been using this thing all week without really knowing what it does. I know it sprays cleaner all over the shower and it makes a lot of noise... but it also lasts only a few seconds, so I got to wondering, "What the hell is it doing?" This morning, my curiousity got the best of me and I decided that I just HAD to see the fancy shower cleaner in action. I pressed the button and opened the curtain just a tiny bit.... maybe an inch at the most.... so I could see what it does. Seconds later, the thing came to life and IMMEDIATELY blasted a stream of cleaning fluid directly into my face. It was in my mouth, my nose and worst of all, my goddamn eyes. I bellowed in fear and disgust as I staggered back from the shower, smiling little scrubbing bubbles dancing across my corneas. Holy shit, did that sting. I'm a fucking idiot.

And a VERY good morning to y'all.

'Neath The Cover Of October Skies...

2006-10-28T13:35:00.000-04:00

What an interesting week it's been.

So I haven't posted here in a bit--well, you can (once again) blame that on Blogger. Every time I hit "Publish Post," I have LOTS of fun wondering what new error message I'm going to get. I would say that someone is trying to censor me and keep my word from "the masses," but I have a hard time believing that anyone cares what I think. But since I'm here, allow me to bring you up to speed;

1) The Detroit Tigers' Cindrella season finally came to an end last night after a sound thrashing from the Cards. I was at Applebee's at the time, straining to watch the last few pitches through a spiderweb-obscured TV set... and no, it wasn't a REAL spiderweb, it was a cheap, annoying Halloween decoration. It was kind of disheartening to watch the Tigers season sound the death knell, especially while I was eating overpriced, bland food. I've come to the conclusion that Applebee's SUCKS. Ten bucks for a shitty, room temperature burger and a few fries? Fuck that shit.

2) So, I was at work yesterday while something quite interesting happened. Two plain clothes cops came in, saying they had a few questions to ask. At first, I was thinking, "Oh shit, they've come for me at last." But as it turns out, they were investigating the fact that a dead body had been found in the dumpster behind our building. That's right, a fucking DEAD BODY. It isn't known at this point whether or not the guy was a vagrant that crawled into the dumpster for shelter and died there, OR maybe...just maybe... somebody killed the guy and was too lazy to properly dispose of the body.

I'm usually the one who takes out the garbage, too, because I have a key to the back door of the building. I don't mind doing it, because it gets me out the building for a while and besides, all I'm dumping out there is paper and broken down cardboard boxes. Kinda makes me wonder... when I last took out the garbage a few days ago, was I heaving garbage bags on top of the corpse?? It's quite possible. Now, all of the women at work are freaking out over this, and they refuse to go anywhere NEAR the back of the building. I, of course, was shocked for about five minutes before I started making inappropriate jokes about it. Anytime a co-worker annoys me in the slightest bit, I threaten to take care of them with "a trip to the dumpster." Just another day at work, you know?

3) Still rehearsing for A Christmas Story, which means I won't have a true day off until sometime in December. And no, I'm not exaggerating. I never had to do a play with kids before, though, and it's starting to try my patience. I mean, here I am playing "the dad," and one of my "sons" annoys me to the point where I want to throttle him. Not that he's a bad kid... he's just hyper, and he has an attention span of about six seconds. Deep down, I admire his energy; this boy runs full speed all over the fucking place for no apparent reason, meanwhile I'm fighting just to keep my eyes open. I'm enjoying working with my onstage wife, though. She's very, very good, plus we have this chemistry that seems to be clicking. That was a big thing for me, because I knew I'd have to spend a LOT of time with this woman and I wanted us to get along well. So far, so good... but man, I fucking HATE rehearsing. I'm like Jackie Gleason that way, in the sense that my attitude is, "Let's go out there and just WING THAT MUTHA." But I guess when you're dealing with kids, you can't do that...

Providing Blogger lets me, I'll be posting more. Promise.

The Voice

2006-10-17T23:26:00.000-04:00

Hey, guess what? I'll be making my "real" return to this blog by tomorrow. Won't you be happy to read my bitter, angry missives, as opposed to personal messages to women that none of you know or care about? I sure will. I'm not really as big of a pussy as some of the things I write would lead you to believe...

Sorry, but I heard this song yesterday and remembered how much I love it. Gotta dig The Moody Blues.

"Won't you take me back to school
I need to learn the golden rule
Won't you lay it on the line
I need to hear it just one more time

Oh, won't you tell me again
Oh, can you feel it
Oh, won't you tell me again
Tonight

Each and every heart it seems
Is bounded by a world of dreams
Each and every rising sun
Is greeted by a lonely one

Oh, won't you tell me again
Oh, can you feel it
Oh, won't you tell me again
Tonight

'Cause out on the ocean of life, my love
There's so many storms we must rise above
Can you hear the spirit calling
As it's carried across the waves
You're already falling,
It's calling you back to face the music
And the song that is coming through
You're already falling
The one that it's calling is you

Make a promise, take a vow
And trust your feelings, it's easy now
Understand the voice within
And feel the change already beginning

Oh, won't you tell me again
Oh, can you feel it
Oh, won't you tell me again
Tonight

How many words have I got to say
And how many times will it be this way
With your arms around the future,
And your back up against the past
You're already falling, it's calling you
On to face the music
And the song that is coming through
You're already falling
The one that it's calling is you

Each and every heart it seems
Is bounded by a world of dreams
Each and every rising sun
Is greeted by a lonely one

Oh, won't you tell me again
Oh, can you feel it
Oh, won't you tell me again
Tonight?"

Hey, You...

2006-10-13T23:55:00.000-04:00

Yes, you. I'm talking directly to you.

I wish you'd just call me already. I know that a part of you really wants to. I know that you haunt this blog frequently and that you visit my MySpace account at least several times a week. How do I know this, you ask? Because I know you, probably better than anybody. I know that you're still holding on, without having any idea as to why. Come on, don't try to deny it... I can see right through you, just as you can see right through me. We're both so predictable that way.

What do you think I'm going to do if you call me? Do you think I'm going to cuss you out and hang up on you? Do you think I'm going to tell you off once and for all? Even if I wanted to do these things, you know that I never would. I'd be so happy to hear your voice again, these things would never even occur to me. A part of me wants to hate you... but there's another, much stronger part that misses you so much that it hurts. So where are you? I need you.

Pop in your Help! CD, listen to tracks 2 and 4 and call me already. You know where to find me. I don't have to tell you... because you already know.

You already know.

Friday the 13th

2006-10-13T08:37:00.000-04:00

You'll have to excuse me; I've been in a "fuck it, I don't feel like writing anything" mode for almost a week now. I'm not sure why this is. It isn't because I've been on a binge of some kind. It's not because of a woman, or because of work. Sometimes, I just look at the jumbled, stressful mess that is my life and get to thinking, "Why the hell would somebody want to read about this?" I mean, I wouldn't want to read about it... and I'm the poor asshole who has to live through it. I'd rather just...

Holy shit, I'd love to bang Kam Carman, the chick newscaster who's on the local Fox affiliate right now.

Um... sorry about that. I guess I shouldn't have the morning news on while I'm writing. The sight of a hot blonde with a luscious rack and a power suit is extremely distracting. That pic you see above isn't a very good shot of her, but it's the only one I could find. What can I tell you? I have this evil, ravenous fetish for newscaster women. You'd think that I'd hate beautiful women by now, considering some of the shit they've put me through. But I guess I'm stupid... and I never learn my lesson.

I guess I could write some more rambling, random bullshit, but I have to leave for work in under ten minutes. So fuck it...