Blurbs From My Brain

Whatev~~~

2009-11-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

What does someone put on a resume when she's was a saty at home mom for 17 years and then in school for 4 years. No jobs. Except the census for 7 weeks in 2000. No one that I worked with even exists anymore. It was 9 years ago.

I was on executive boards of the several PTA's and Little League. I organized events, volunteers, dealt with administrators and irate parents, entertained and supervised child and adult volunteers, yadda yadda yadda.

Anyone have a creative imagination?

I have filled out one application but I'd like to send a resume with it that can say, under it all, how much I care about patients and believe they deserve excellent care no matter how old, how demented, how sick. Everyone deserves dignified care. They are not just patients they are people. That can get lost in skilled nursing facilities.

I'm a fast learner. I'm realistic about my skills and how much hard work they need. I am willing to be taught anything that will enhance my patients' care. I will work hard. If enthusiasm counts I'm there. If compassion is needed I will supply it.

My other problem is my spouse. Still unemployed and savings gone I guess. He just tells me we've run out of money. We had quite a bit of money set aside for the kids college funds. I'm wondering where much of it went besides living expenses, insurance car and health, some other expenses. I have never known exactly how the money was spent. Spouse is only name on account. But I cannot even begin to understand where all that money went. It paid for my LPN program which was 7-8 grand. My AA was paid for with pell grants and state funding. I've lived in sweats, jeans, over sized t-shirts and scrubs. My underwear has holes. My shirts are fading and starting to wear thin.

Where did the dollars dribble away to?

One of those Days

2009-10-08T23:51:00.000-07:00

where everything begins to feel like pressure. I need some dental work done~no money not the greatest insurance. Spouses has been jobless since January, we are quickly running low on money. Seems difficult as hell to look for jobs as an LPN online.

Pupples is getting huge and 21yo is starting to realize he really doesn't want to change his entire life foe this animal.........what's a mom to do where everyone is happy and not overburdened?

Being a mom can really suck. Just had to say it. Teenage boys suck. Luckily I am not a violent person. I'm all talk I would never harm anyone physically and I try hard not to emotionally as well.

Spouse is not a fun guy on the best days(hardened into grumpy type) but after months and months w/o a job he's getting crotchety!!!!!!!!!!!!!!SAVE ME.

We had a small argument because I said a shrub and a bush were basically the same thing and he disagreed. DUDE! Words are my thing, don't mess with me. On the reading test for nursing school I scored at a Ph.D reading level. Words are fun to play with. I like to write. I peruse my thesaurus and read the dictionary as a child so spouse don't question my verbiage. :P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Babble in a Brain.

2009-10-07T00:24:00.000-07:00

Finally a date set for the state boards. I need out of this house. Spouse has been unemployed for 9 months and he's always here. 18yo is not in school and I don't see him trying to find a job. If my spouse won't back me, how can I give ultimatums? Spouse undercuts me much of the time tho he'd deny that. He never takes responsibility for his actions and I doubt that will ever change.

I was not meant to spend my days studying and being in the presence of spouse for 12 hours a day. He had become a person who can't ot won't change. I watch him hardening into his persona, a not very pleasant one.

I have challenged myself to grow this past 4 years. I have taken classes where I have to work hard to master. I have taken intermediate algebra 3 times to get the needed grade.

There have been times of ultimate triumph and times of abysmal feelings of failure. I keep on going. I received my AA and graduated from practical nursing school. I have plans to get my BSN. Not tomorrow but in time.

I believe learning is constant and people must be flexible in their thinking and in their actions.

It feels like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. My husband has a cemented idea of who and what I am and I don't believe he wants to change that image and I seriously wonder if that would be even possible.

I have changed so many ways in 23 years of marriage, family and life. I have not hardened myself. In fact, I think I have opened my mind and my heart wider than they were 23 years ago.

I'll keep praying and trust in God.

Recent Thoughts

2009-09-15T00:09:00.003-07:00

I have noticed in the past few weeks I talk(silently) to myself all the time. Partly to work out issues, partly because I have no one else to talk with.

I'm 47 years old and have many friends online but only 1-2 in real life. What's the deal?

Part of it is not being a Washingtonian native. Part of it is my entire 566 member family doesn't live here. I don't know why after that.

I have a strong personaility but I've had that longer than we lived here.

I wonder why people don't like me. Or what do I do wrong? I can be socially awkward but not obnoxious. Yet, no one wants to spend time with me.

I want to live in Canada where everyone says hi to everyone else. Where a person would help you if you were in distress. Where people reciprocate dinner or BBQ invites.

I get bored talking to myself some days...............

Recent Thoughts

2009-09-15T00:09:00.001-07:00

How Stupid

2009-06-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

I am so gullible. Or perhaps too much the idealist. I still believe in happy endings and soul mates.

My spouse is NOT my soul mate. I think I knew that going in. Soul mates can be good friends, they don't have to be married to me.

A teeny tiny part of me wishes that Prince Charming would come by and take me away from my life of drudgery. HA! Right. I wasn't meant to have a simple life. I wasn't meant to be a lady of leisure and luncheons and the Junior League.

I want to make a difference in this world. Even if that mean caring for 5 patients in whose life I made a difference. Patients who know I cared about them. I would remember them. I would learn from them. Too many people are thrown away in this society. We need to respect all people. Give them a feeling of dignity and respect. This counts for homeless people, mentally ill people, elderly people, and we need to care about the children.

I might never work for Doctors Without Borders but making a difference can be done close to home.

Down, Down, Down I Drop...

2008-12-18T22:11:00.000-08:00

deep into the black pit of depression. I've been out in the light for so long I forgot how dark and hopeless the pit is. The bottom is hard when one is dropped in unexpectedly.

I cannot foresee any good right now. I feel completely worthless. I feel as if I have no purpose in life. My spouse doesn't notice, not to the extent of asking me if I'm ok. Nothing new there. Denial is his middle name.

The kids are all about their lives. They don't notice because it doesn't look so different from when I was studying for nursing school. It's been awhile since they've needed or wanted me around more than being downstairs just in case.

My lack of close friends makes it easy to fly under the radar.

I am just trying to get through each day, one at a time.

Mixed signals from nursing grades. I don't think I mastered their version of group thought. I have shut my mouth and moved to sit alone so I do not ask any questions during lecture unless called on. I do not speak during lectures at all. I have slept through one or two but only when I had that virus.

The feedback is almost all negative. It makes it harder to slog through the shit of nursing school. No pats on the back from my family. No real pats on the back from anyone, anywhere.

So dark. So inane.

Day by day, for now.

Rest? and Relaxation?

2008-12-16T07:01:00.000-08:00

The 20 yo's alarm went off at 6:30am and kept getting louder until I got up and turned it out. The 20yo had the day off and of course, forgot his alarm. Love the thoughtfulness of children.

The 17yo gets to start 2 hours late because of the ice on the road and the fact the buses cannot get up any of the hills.

Spouse made noise at 5am.

Rest and relax my ass.

Yesterday as I attempted to sleep in past 9am the neighbor across the stress decided to use his metal shovel to chip ice off his drive way for, get this, six freaking hours. DUDE. There's this stuff called deicer. Throw it on the driveway and voila~no more ice. Six hours in 20 degree temps chipping away at 2 inches of ice on his driveway.

Nursing classes will be looking like a vacation after 2.5 more weeks of this.

I am just getting crankier each day. I might as well hit my head with a hammer for the next two weeks, same effect. :P

Half a Person

2008-11-13T23:21:00.000-08:00

Once a woman watches her infant die over 5 months she is never whole again. Maybe other women can regain their entire their selves back. I just cannot. It's been almost 13 years since my child died and I have lost pieces of me forever.

I have gone on with a life, not the the same person so not the same life. I have used my energy to attempt to construct something resembling a life. I am not sure I have succeeded.

I continued to raise my two other boys. They are now 17 and 20. I think I did a pretty good job with them considering my heart bled continuously. After a 6 month-maybe a year when I was faking it. When I was pretending anything mattered. After that I got back into the SAHM thing and continued to volunteer, help in the classrooms, know their friends, feed them, read them stories, helped with homework, etc.

They are not the kind of children who let you ignore them for long. They adapted to a different mother and I grieve for the hard realities they had to face at such young ages.

Maybe this is why my spouse and I have so little common ground. I am not the same woman and I will never be completely whole. Never.

Cripes

2008-11-11T11:19:00.000-08:00

Jeez.

My spouse is being a total dickhead. Yes, I know he's been sick and isn't getting much sleep.

Guess what? I don't care. How many days do I get enough sleep? Not enough.

He's talking to me in a condescending/nasty tone of voice as if I'm an imbecile. Yo doofus, I'm just as smart if not smarter than you. After 22 years you should have figured that out by now.

It a day off today. Dickhead is ruining one of my days off. What the hell is his problem? Soon I won't be getting any days off during the week. I never ruin his days off.

I detest being his target. If he has some underground issue(he's passive/agressive) he should just tell me. Being talked down to really pisses me off. I get enough of that at school.

My carpool partner and I were discussing marriage yesterday. She's Hindi and is in an arranged marriage. In her culture to leave your husband is one of the worst things you can do unless he's physically abusive.

I told her I have no clue what state my marriage will be in by next year or the year after. She was just shocked.

I'd love to bail right now. Right this second but I cannot afford it and my 17yo needs to finish his senior year. I hate this crap.

It's 11:30 in the morning. How do I avoid this jerk all day? Why should I even have to?

Not Much Running Through My Head

2008-11-06T20:37:00.000-08:00

Besides the stuff I need to know for tests, case studies and clinicals.

Except a pure pleasure knowing that it's a democratic world once again. Oh Yeah. A democratic congress, a democratic senate, a democrat in the white house. Lots of work to do but I feel some hope for the first time in 8 years.

My state has a democratic governor and legislature. We have lack of money issues to cope with but the folks who care about the health and education are in power.

Since the state of Washington paid for half of my AA degree I'd like to keep scholarships and grants going for other students. Most of my nursing school mates have scholarships. Silly me, who knew they were avalable? NOT ME. Duh.

I hope the extreme partisanship ebbs and cooperation flows so we can have a more effective government in this country. I will be praying for that.

Inorganized Central

2008-10-30T22:54:00.000-07:00

My nursing instructors, one being the director in place for 20 some odd years, and the newest addition a R.N. and E.ed who filled in at last minute. There is failure to commmunicate what objective we need to learn each week in our nursing fundamentals class.

We finally(normally received the Friday before the week we need to said objectives) got our objective list today after we insisted we had not ever seen it. The teacher, Dr. M, kept saying we got them and I'm thinking why would 26 people lie to you. We're not punking her and I don't think she even knows what punking in.

She nice, brilliant, a disorganized lecturer used to giving 3 hours lectures in university style and I get the feeling the director is being less than complete with what exactly we need to be taught.

It's a small programs and things happen but it's getting damn annoying. I paid $1200 in tuition this quarter and I want to learn. What do I get? Talks about my outgoing personality and how I need to suppress it. I can't be my smart ass self, I have to groupthink and I know the director dislikes me. I could care. I just want to learn. I want to progress. In everyway.

Is this too much to ask?

What I Need

2008-10-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

I am tired of no one understanding who I am. I want someone to love me, preferably male, as I am today. Just who I am today October 29, 2008. Not who someone wants me to be, thinks me to be, hopes me to be, wishes me to be, or sees me as I used to be.

Someone who'll come up behind me and give me a hug just because he wants to. Not because I asked. Not because he wants to grope. Not because it is expected. Just a lovely and simple hug, with affection and support being transmitted between us. Is that too much to ask for?

I want someone who will not judge me. Who'll accept me as the person I am today because of past experiences. Who's vision will not be clouded by expectations of who I was before today or who I will be tomorrow. This minute loving me in whole.

I had a dream where I was with a man(just some guy no one I know) who watched me as I slept because he enjoyed looking at me. Who ran his hand down my arm just to be in physical contact with me. Someone I snuggled up behind through the night because I felt whole and loved. A person whose face I traced with my fingers because I treasured who was behind the face. I could feel the love from him without physical touch but he touched because it made us whole, together.

A love that demands little and yet every part of me. A love I'm willing to give freely and without expectations of anything in return. Just to love and be loved.

To be treasured because I am me. Not based on looks, education, finiancial reasons. Just a soul to soul connection that lasts forever. I would teasure him for who he is, not for what he represents or what he has. Just for his inner self.

Is this why I worked so hard?

2008-10-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

3 years of anatomy and torture, math classes, writing classes, psych classes, chemistry, medical terminology, microbiology, communications, algebra, etc. I worked my ass off to get here.

So why do I feel unsure? Slightly less than challenged. Kinda let down?

Perhaps nursing theory and reality are worlds apart. Or that no one pats us on the back. Encouragement is an excellent motivator but I don't feel encouraged by my spouse, my kids, my invisible friends, the staff.................I know I come off as smart and confident but that is a shell.

How can I validate what I'm doing? The grade thing is not the best way for me, I tend to put too much stick in grades. I got an 88% on my second pharm test. OK I missed a few questions. Is that going to make me a terrible nurse? Of course not.

Now how can I explain that to me?

Long Week

2008-10-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

Even with Monday and Wednesday being off from classes and me getting tons of sleep those two days, it twas a long week.

Thursday morning was dark and rainy as I drove to school with my carpool partner. She is a very bright woman, originally from India 4 years ago, who obsesses when she doesn't get perfect grades.

I myself tend to take a test and let it go. My 104 scores 89, 92 and 94.7. I was actually below the class average for a few weeks. I still had an A. I have a 99 in Pharmacology.

Our 104 tests are tricky and include fictional situations that take critical thinking. Ethics and moral and legal ramifications are very important in health car. My car pool person was brought up in an area where ethics aren't an option. One never questions a teacher or a doctor and moral dilemmas just don't exist.

She's been driving me a little cuckoo asking about all these things. She relentlessly questions anyone who will answer but myself and another friend in particular. 2-3 woman have perfect grades in 104 and it's driving her nutso because she can't figure out how to do that. She has a 91% average. She's in country that doesn't speak her native language and is culturally 180 degrees from what she is used to.

If she asks me again about test questions after a test is over I may just whack her upside the head.

She means no harm but OY once the test is over it's freakin over. I am ambitious but I'm not trying for 4.0 throughout the program. Some of this is about learning skills that can't be quantified by grades.

She's gonna dwive me cwazeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Numb

2008-10-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

That's how I feel today. Numb. No school as it was a teacher work day(who knew they had these at community colleges).

I did read the voter's pamphlet this afternoon. I had no idea we had socialists running for president! I found it all most amusing. Now I am infomred about almost everything on the ballot except the judges. How does one find out facts about the judges?

I ran into my first real life Sarah Palin supporter today. I almost fell over when she said Palin was great! I had no clue my neighborhood was harboring Republicans! =:-0

Clinical tomorrow, then Wednesday off and back to tests and classes Thursday, Friday.

Slighty Off The Path

2008-10-19T00:26:00.000-07:00

When I was a younger girl I wasn't the girl imagining weddings and tulle and bridesmaid. I had never planned out a wedding until I actually got married in my low key budget minded wedding.

I realized lately that many young girls play "wedding" quite a bit. I used to play war with my younger brothers and their friends. I was always the General and they always had to do what I said. Sounds more like me, doesn't it?

I know girls and women who think the wedding in the be all and end all. Nope. It's just the first day of your marriage.

I was the girl who read in the willow tree instead of playing tag. Adventuring across the world held my attention more than getting "frozen" in tag.

I am me. I'm not a total rebel but I'm not a conformer either. I think I was the vote for Ronald Reagan in Orange County, CA in the 1980 presidential. Living among right wingers never influenced my liberal political views.

I had a wonderful childhood for 16 years. Then I got pissed. How dare my parents move me 2000 miles in the middle of my junior year? I spread my anger and my selfish indignant rage with anyone within 10 feet of me. I had so much growing up to do.

My life since 1986 has been full of sharp turns on the road. Through the bad and difficult times I did the best I could. In the calm valleys I learned to breathe and how to utilize what I learned from the difficult time.

My life road is twisty and curvy and hangs on the edge of cliffs here and there. That's just fact. I have learned many lessons on my life road and have more to go.

Lesson this week: One might have to conform to reach one's goals. This seems less painful that stapling my mouth shut.

What do you think?

COOKIE!

2008-10-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

glitter-graphics.com

Lonesome Loser

2008-10-15T23:29:00.000-07:00

That old Eagles song Lonesome Loser keeps going through my head. I wasn't having the best week and tonight I had a "meeting" with my clinical instructor who was representing the other nursing instructors and some other students I seem to annoy the hell out of . Huh? Sometimes I may talk too much. I've been working on it. I ask questions unrelated to topic. I have no idea why I was told this. I have been trying very hard to ask only related and relevent questions.

Message I received: Shut the hell up in class/out of class/during practicals. Am I really that obnoxious?

I already have a spouse who thinks I am not capable of getting through the nursing program. Now more people who'd rather I wasn't in the program at all.

I feel totally useless right now. I have kids who are grown and don't really need me. I have no friends in real life. My husband doesn't support and or believe in me. Do I even have a point in life?

Cranky Bitch

2008-10-09T22:28:00.000-07:00

I am cranky bitch today. No discernable cause. Just cranky. Bitchy. Tired. Me.

Surprise, Suprise

2008-10-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have pissed off my teenager again. I thought I was teasing him but he says I was angry and mean. Um...................ok. What drugs are you on son? Do you all know what it's like living with a hypersensitive teenager with hormones running amok and drama being his middle name? OY! It's a headache.

I am tired. Mentally, physically and attutudinally.

Never a Smooth Road

2008-10-07T12:54:00.000-07:00

Crud. What if I have bladder cancer? Or need dialysis for whatever kidney issue I may or may not have? I have no time for this crap. Call now!!!!!!!!

Just as things in my life is getting along the way I want it to, bam. I hope this is nothing. But when the doc won't leave it in a message and won't let the nurse tell you anything....it's usually not so they can say "hey! you're extra special healthy!" If only.

This is so frustrating.

Determination

2008-10-04T23:52:00.000-07:00

I have plans. Plans for my future. No snot nosed little brat is going to derail me. I've come too far and through too much to let the people who don't really matter to screw up my plans.

I will make it through the next 11 months of school. I will pass the NCLEX-PN and find a job.

Then I will apply to ladder up to an RN degree program. I will make it through those months of school. I will pass the NCLEX-RN.

Next step, take an RN to BSN degree program as I wirk as an RN.

After the BSN I will decide on an area to specialize and I will go for a masters degree in nursing or as a nurse practitioner with prescriptive powers. Like being a doctor but better. More human, less lobbies by pharmaceutical interests.

Don't get in my way. I plan on taking those who discourage or try to stop me. Just a friendly warning.

Mean People

2008-10-02T19:51:00.000-07:00

No matter how hard I try not to judge others, I always find folks are willing to judge me. There is a girl in my nursing class and my practical group who I could have a smackdown with. She's pushy and loud, fairly un-enducated and thinks she's always right. Fine no problem until she rolls her eyes with the guy in front of me when I answered an anatomy question correctly after I waited to see if anyone else would answer first.

Apparently I am too smart. I am worthy of being derided by a girl who's about the age of my oldest(maybe a few years older) who I've treated respectfully. I do have a negative opinion of her but I am kept it to myself. I only told my husband about her.

I'm going to be the adult here. DUH. Tomorrow I will change seats to the back row so I won't have to see this girl judge me or make fun of me. Hey chica I've been out of junior high since 1977. Yes about 10 years before you were born as you keep reminding me you weren't even born in 1980. (like I care?)

I have spent my life learning, reading, researching as everything interests me. OK I remember my parts of the brain. Sue me. What's the point of taking anatomy & physiology as the back bone of a medical education if I forget what I learned.

Damn I hate being judged. I hate people who think they're better. Better than who? Everyone. And hey! Let's make fun of that old lady in class too. Now there are 4 people older than I in the class including the guy who was aiding her in her eye rolling. Screw 'em.

I'll rise above. I'll be a better nurse than she will because I have compassion for folks of all ages and races. Because I know people are basically the same when it comes to their healthcare needs.

But if one of you would like to make a voodoo doll, don't forget the bleached blond hair with dark showing at the roots, slut clothes that almost show her nipples and crotch riding tight jeans.

The things that irks me the most~she is not taking the program seriously. GRRRRRRR

Questionable

2008-09-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I will be a good nurse. I sit here wondering if I can comfort others well. Some days I am reminded how many pieces my heart has been ripped into in the past 13 years. Will there be enough of my heart left over for others?

I just don't know.

I know that no matter how illogical it may be, I don't think I can ever stop wishing for a baby. It's so completely unrealistic and spouse would not be with the plan but my heart keeps saying baby.

It's been over 12 years since I found out I cannot have another baby. Why doesn't my heart want to accept this?

I can't work eith sick babies as a nurse because I know I would be overly emotionally involved. I could never stay professional. Hell, I don't know if I am capable of being professional with any age.

I pray God can help me know what is the right place for me in this world. Hell if I know.