hotpinksox

birthday beach celebrations

2009-07-09T09:18:00.001-07:00

I leave tomorrow for 10 days at the beach. This beach time will be much needed for me to regroup and reboot. I have a lot on my mind these days. I have been reading a few relationship books. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and The Man Plan. The main thing I have taken from these books is, I need to figure out what I want in a man in my life. When I was seeing Summer Lover I thought I wanted just that, a summer lover. Now I think I might want a man in my life who is more permanent. Like I have said in other posts, I would like to take some baby steps and have a relationship that last more than 6 months. But when you start a relationship with someone how do you get that message across without appearing like you want a boyfriend. How do you say, I want to see where this goes because one day I might want to be with you more permanently? Most of the time when you say something like that to someone they get scared away. Thankfully, there is no one in my life who might fit into this position so I have time to figure out what I need and how I want it. So friends.... Wish me luck that I have all my relationship problems figured out by the time I get back from the beach.

While at the beach I will also be celebrating my annual 29th birthday. Today I will be celebrating my annual 29th birthday with a happy hour with friends and co-workers. I could not be more excited about it. My birthday is my favorite holiday despite the fact that I get super depressed around my birthday. Sister will be celebrating her birthday while I am at the beach. I am sad I won’t be in town to celebrate her dirty 30 with her but I know she’ll have a great time.

ever since

2009-07-08T15:32:00.001-07:00

I wrote that I wanted a man to cook me a steak on the grill I have been craving one.

I need to find a man with a grill.

good news

2009-07-07T14:40:00.000-07:00

Today I am 10 pounds lighter than I was a few months ago. 7 more to go.

I guess my swimming and running is paying off.

update to the list

2009-07-06T18:27:00.000-07:00

I thought of some other things today I want/don't want in a man.

-I do not want any Debbie Downers, Negative Nancys or general bad mood all the time men. If all you have to say to me is depressing all the fucking time, find someone else. Life is depressing enough. I get depressed from time to time. Having the blues every once in a while is ok. But if I am around someone all the time who is depressed... I might shoot myself.

-I want a man who is kind to me. Who smiles at me and it is genuine. No meanies!

-I want a man who opens my door. He doesn't have to open my car door every time. But when we are going to a nice dinner, please open my car door. He should certainly open a door to a store, a restaurant/bar or the movie theater. And I should always walk before him when walking single file. If a scary person is walking down the street toward us, he should put himself between me and that scary person. And he should grab my hand and hold on tight.

-I want a man who likes my cooking, does the dishes after dinner and cooks me a steak on the grill when I don't want to cook.

And one more
-I want a man who buys me shoes.

what do I want?

2009-07-06T09:13:00.001-07:00

What do I want?

This is the question running through my head for the last week. If I can’t figure it out, how will I ever get it? This is what I have figured out so far....

-I want a relationship that last more than 6 months.
-I want a man in my life that enjoys my family as much as I do. He won’t meet them right away but when he does he better get with the program and have some fun. My family has fun!
-I want a man who can help me with stuff around my house. When I dated Vee, I need some help and he couldn’t do it. Simple stuff like put the new shower head up or mow the lawn when he sees it needs to be done.
-I need a strong man, one who is physically strong and emotionally strong.
-I want a man who can’t keep his eyes off me. Who compliments me offend.
-I want a man who likes the same stuff I do and who wants to hang out and do those things with me.
-I want to be with someone who is drama free. I have always joked that no woman goes crazy over a man who is bad in bed but honestly I don’t need nor want anymore drama. (thank you Summer Lover for teaching me that)
-I don’t want to be with anyone who is too busy to spend time with me. (again thank you Summer Lover for teaching me that)

Side note: Speaking of Summer Lover, I ran into him this weekend. First thing that man says to me is, “your hair looks amazing. Is that a new shirt? I have never seen that before.” my response was this. “thank you. You haven’t seen every in my closet.” Then he looked at me with a look that I knew so I said, “you want this? You can’t have it anymore.” To which he replied, “You’ll fall in love with me.” What I moron!

-I want a man who can’t wait to see me again.
-I want a man who doesn’t say to me that he isn’t a good boyfriend, or that he isn’t interested in a girlfriend or that he is just looking for a good time. (Here is how I feel about these comments, when I first meet someone I am not thinking boyfriend. I want to get to know the person before I decide that. But when someone comes at me with that, it is a huge turn off. We might as well not even talk further as far as I am concerned. And to ask some girl if she wants a boyfriend is stupid when you first meet. I don’t know yet how I feel about you.)
-I want a man who will claim me as his. We don’t have to be boyfriend/girlfriend at the beginning but I want someone who thinks I could fill those shoes.

happy?

2009-07-01T09:20:00.001-07:00

Last night I said I was happier with a man in my life. I wonder if that is really true. I wonder if I feel that way because I am lonely. I have been debating whether or not I should sign up for match.com again. Actually pay the money. I don’t like paying for things when I don’t get what I want out of them. But the free online dating sites just aren’t working. I wish things would just work out one of these times. I am fucking lonely and about to be officially old.

I'm dating the same guys over and over.

2009-06-30T13:50:00.001-07:00

So in a drunken act of jealousy and looking for an ego boost I reactivate my Match.com profile. I had learned that Summer Lover was on Match. I snooped, I found his page, it didn’t impress me. But I left my profile up. I didn’t pay for anything just posted my profile. If you know anything about Match you know you can’t read any emails or see who has looked at you unless you sign up. I have 4 emails in my inbox and I have gotten a few winks. I am also found 5 men I have dated (including Summer Lover) and 2 who are just friends. One a knew was on Match and one I didn’t. The friend who I didn’t know was on Match send me an email to my real email account with links to his Match.com daily matches. Guess who was number 2. ME! I told him it was no wonder we are such great friends. (I also looked at the women who were “matched” to him. I felt better about myself) This morning I got a wink (you can see winks) from a man who I dated and wrote about on this blog. Check out September 2007 (Ben). That guy winked at me!

I think I have been in this town too long if every guy who is single I have already been on a date with.

all I have to say is this.

2009-06-28T00:26:00.000-07:00

You think I am not in your league? Because you are in a better league than me?.....FUCK YOU!!!!!!

You will come back to me... I know you will and when you do.... you will be disappointed you can't have it again. BECAUSE I HAVE ALREADY WASTED TOO MUCH TIME ON YOU.

(Nothing pisses me off more than I guy who thinks he is too good to date me.)

You are a douchebag! I knew you were a douchebag when I slept with you but I went with it because I believed you when you told me you wanted the same things as me. I can't believe I was so wrong, again.

And I respectfully ask you to please take the photo taken with my camera off match.com

15 minute dater

2009-06-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

Last night I had an event I was working for a friend’s nonprofit. I ran into and saw many friends (although of the 60 people I invited to the event only 5 came). One friend who came was TJ the coffee shop guy. We have had a few flirty text over the last few weeks including one that made my heart race. I have seen TJ almost every morning at the coffee shop and we talk for about 15 minutes every time. Mini dating if you will. I invited him to come and toward the end of the event he showed up. He is moving this week and his mom is in town so he brought her with him. His mom was very sweet and we had a lovely conversation while TJ sat and listened. But they only stayed for one beer and left. They were maybe there for 15 to 20 minutes, 30 tops. And TJ barely said two sentences. It was 105 degrees, I think he was melting. This morning I got a nice text from TJ, saying thanks for inviting him and sorry he didn’t stay longer but it was hot. Next time we do something I need to be sure there is AC.

While I was at the event I also ran into some old friends who know/knew Vee. This whole time I thought that Vee broke up with me and disappeared from my life. But it seems he has disappeared from everyone’s life. All his old friends barely see him anymore. One friend told me he hasn’t seen Vee in a year (next week will be one year since Vee broke up with me). On one hand, this information makes me feel less dumped than I did a year ago. He dumped everyone in his life, not just me. But I also feel sad for Vee. Who just dumps everyone they know? Cuts all ties with people they have been friends with for years and years (one friend Vee has known since high school)? It’s weird.

really?

2009-06-24T12:55:00.000-07:00

Did he really think I was going to go out with him after the first email?

_____________________________

you're very attractive, but cancers and leos aren't so great together. And I think catholicism is one of the worst forms of child abuse...so we're probably not destined for greatness. But you seem like a VERY cool woman, you are very attractive, and we're a pretty good okcupid numerical match. Thus, I am writing this message. I hope you don't find it offensive, mean, or back-handed, like some of the messages I receive...

I'd be up for a drink and casual 'gettin to know ya' conversation anytime. My profile, which I re-write often out of sheer boredom, does in fact have my work schedule...

no witty name

_____________________________
No witty name...Whoa! I'm not sure what to say but I will try...

I like your honesty (it is refreshing) but don't think we have much in common either. I read your profile and think you will find me too immature as my favorite TV show is Gossip Girl and I adore pop radio. Plus I am a cancer... which I can not change.

I'll be honest and tell you I'm in flux about dating and meeting new people right now. Burned too many times, I guess. That might change but I do not expect you to wait around while I figure it out. (I hate when people put me on lay-away, only to return at a later date wanting to meet.)

Thank you for the compliment. Your message did not offend me, it made me laugh.

hotpinksox

_____________________________

thanks for the reply - that is more than what I usually get. Perhaps I should start insulting people's religion more often...

Must be nice to be burned out on people. I've been on two dates in 4 months. And I haven't had a real relationship since my divorce over a decade ago. I'm tired of wooing woman for a month just to meet and find out there is no chemistry and no sparks between us.

For a website devoted to dating, nobody wants to go out for a drink!

break up song

2009-06-24T08:46:00.001-07:00

Know it sounds funny
But I just cant stand the pain
Girl Im leaving you tomorrow
Seems to me girl
You know Ive done all I can
You see I begged, stole
And I borrowed
Ooh, thats why Im easy
Im easy like sunday morning
Thats why Im easy
Im easy like sunday morning
Why in the world
Would anyboddy put chains on me?
Ive paid my dues to make it
Everbody wants me to be
What they want me to be
Im not happy when I try to fake it!
No!
Ooh,thats why Im easy
Im easy like sunday morning
Thats why Im easy
Im easy like sunday morning
I wanna be high, so high
I wanna be free to know
The things I do are right
I wanna be free
Just me, babe!
Thats why Im easy
Im easy like sunday morning
Thats why Im easy
Im easy like sunday morning
Because Im easy
Easy like sunday morning
Because Im easy
Easy like sunday morning

remember that?

2009-06-23T14:08:00.001-07:00

Why can’t we get that time back? Remember when we spend the whole day on the phone in the rain? Remember how we laughed? Remember when you told me my pupils were dilated all through dinner? We had so much fun. And the first time we kissed how awkward it was in the car? That was fun. The next day you called and you wanted to see me, I wanted to see you too. But you were late meeting me at your house. I sat on your front steps wondering if I had made the right choice in coming over. We rearranged your office and talked about the summer. It seems like you were lying now. That you didn’t want those same things. At the time, I wondered if you were full of shit, just telling what you thought girls want to hear. Right now, it seems like I was right....

Unlike Divorced guy #3, I don't have any really bad moments with Summer Lover. I can't really said that there was one time when we hung out and it was bad, our conversation, the sex, any of it. At least it wasn't bad for me, Oh NO! maybe it was bad for him? Maybe he scared himself (liking me too much). Or maybe it was us together... maybe we didn't match (whatever the fuck that means). I only have good memories (I might have created drama in my head on this blog about a phone call that didn't arrive when I thought it should. Oh NO! maybe it is me. Maybe I appeared to teratorial. Like I wanted to piss on him. Maybe.... We'll never know. And as much as long time readers would like for me to be self aware and realize I need therapy. It's not happening this time. (This shit is too much fun.)

So I have no bad memories, and when we hang out with a group of people we still have fun. We still talk on the phone, IM, text and email. Although I have made a new pact that I won't contact him. I want to email him about a HH tomorrow for a friend because I have to sell tickets. I figure I can get him to buy at least one ticket. I have actual invited everyone I can think of, including a few ex boys, a few new dudes minus Summer Lover, and many friends. I believe I told him about the event a week ago so there is a chance.... see what I mean about creating drama? Admit it you read this blog for the drama.

So no bad memories, fun hung out every time, I am baffled. What the hell happened?

sad

2009-06-22T15:33:00.001-07:00

sniffing back tears today... must be starting my period soon.

no Debbie Downers allowed

2009-06-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

Whoa! Yesterday I had the "mean reds" bad. Depression and a hangover do not mix. I know I shouldn't drink too much. My body just can't take it. It takes me a whole day or more to recover from a night of too many drinks. It is more than just being old. My diabetes and blood disease simply do not mix with drinking. I talked to my mom late in the day and told her about my hung over blues. At first I wasn't going to tell my mom about my crazy, drunken night but during our conversation she told me that her friend thought I looked beautiful at my sister's wedding. I started crying and told her I really needed to hear that. Why do I wrap up my worth in how other people see me. Then I send an "I'm sorry for creating drama last night" text to Summer Lover. His response? Was sweet and understanding, a simple "hahaha no worries." I am my own worse enemy. I did more damage control which really wasn't needed. I think I am so ugly, fat and stupid most of the time. I want to change that once and for all. No one wants to be friends with a Debbie Downer. So my body isn't the slimmest nor is it the youngest. But it is curvy and sexy. I will always have a belly. Bellies can be sexy, right?

I want this to be my new call to action. "I do not define my worth in how others see me, be men or women. I make my life how I want it to be. Positive actions, create positive results" Princess Badass and I have made a pact to be healthy and take care of our bodies. With that I want to never again waste my time crying about how ugly, stupid or fat I think I am. New day, new way.

burn baby burn

2009-06-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

Let's do an exercise.... Imagine a desert and in that desert is a big hole. A huge hole. In the hole is everything you ever used up. Old socks, trash, balloons you let go, clothes you have out grown. You get the picture. But also in that hole are all your old relationships, mean friendships, bad feelings, ugly words spoken to you, all the times you felt ashamed. All your hurt you have ever felt is in the hole too. Can you feel some of those things? Put that feeling in the hole too. Did you do it? Ok good... Now, take a deep breath.... Look down at your feet, do you see that gas can? Pick it up and pour the gas all over the shit in the hole. Get it all wet. Every last thing. You missed a spot over on the right, next to the Esprit purse you had to have in 8th grade, see that guy who told you you had a pretty face... Make sure you get that too. Did you see that book of matches next to the gas can? You know what we are going to do, don't you. We are going to set all that crap on fire! Burn it up! Get rid of all those painful things so you can rise up from it. Leave all that pain here today in that huge hole. You ready? Light a match. Throw it in there. Boom!

I have been doing this exercise for the last few days. When I think of a new thing to put in the hole, I start from the beginning. Last night I went out with a group of friends. Summer Lover was there. I drank too much. And sort of did the whole burn it up emotionally thing. You know what I am talking about, right? You have done it, right? You drink too much, you over think everything, you drink more, you fall into a cab at the end to the night, create some drama in your head, you lose your ID, call everyone you know, start crying.... (oh you haven't done that?) Anyway, I have spend most of the day in bed. Trying to think of how I can keep my dignity intact after my royal melt down. Here's what I have come up with. First I must tell everyone I am sorry for being "that" girl. No one likes her, nor do they want to spend time with her. Second, I must tell myself it is ok that I did those things but I can not do it again. And I must forgive myself. Then I will imagine a bigger hole in the desert and put all these feelings I am having today in that hole and burn that shit up.

when will it ever get easier?

2009-06-20T01:53:00.000-07:00

Tonight sucked!

dry spell?

2009-06-17T14:06:00.000-07:00

Looks like I am headed into another dry spell. Summer Lover has crawled into his man cave and isn’t as attentive as he once was. Is it wrong to expect to have sex all the time once you have it? I guess I saw this coming but damn that is annoying. I finally decided after a year of no sex that want to have sex with someone and now he doesn’t want to have sex with me. FUCK! (pun intended)

Tomorrow we are going to an amusement park with a group of friends. Me going is surely a terrible idea. I am going to try to keep a positive attitude about it and not expect anything. That way if something nice does happen I will be happy and not disappointed.

I am treading on thin ice with my friend. We have been spending more and more time together alone, in secret. Having dinner, drinking beer, making dinner, talking late into the night. I am lonely and spending time with him makes it easier. I think he is feeling the same. Am I attracted to him? Yes. Do I want the sloppy seconds from his ex gf? No. But it’s not even to that point so I’m not sure if I should be worried about it yet.

love and lust

2009-06-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was thinking about the subject I think about a lot, dating. Specifically, my dating life. When I was dating Vee he had all the benefits of a girl friend without ever claiming it. I was his girlfriend even though he never claimed me. When I dated Divorced Guy #3, he wanted me as his girlfriend. I however did NOT want to be his girlfriend. Now with Summer Lover I decided I didn't want him as my boy friend but maybe acted or put out that I did want him as my boy friend. I might have sent out a signal (like the Secret) to him, you three readers and possibly a few friends. But trust me when I tell you I didn't mean to send that "Secret" signal. My lust was mistaken as love. I know it was lust. He knows it was lust. Lust makes you do silly things. But like love you can't show too much of it to the person you lust after. Because if you do, it could be seen as love. I little lust is fun and exciting. But too much lust looks weird and sad. If I got my lust under control, only showing the right amount things might be different or they could be the same. Who knows?

I was talking to Princess Badass tonight on the phone. We were talking about dating. I suggested she start prating. Practice Dating. Go out with a few guys to practice her skills. I believe if you don't use it, you lose it. Then I explained the beginning of the dating ladder to her. First to prate, then you get a Summer Lover. This next part I developed after we got off the phone. Next is the guy you invite to your "life" social engagements. For example, you invite him to a wedding or baby shower. The "life" social engagements are different from going out with friends, his or yours. Group dating happens all the time and can be the most confusing dating there is. You never know if it is really a date or just friends. It can be so much fun or a total nightmare. But the "life" social engagements show you have thought about how this dude might fit into your life. You show off your new man to some sort of family. Friend family or blood family. The guy learns details you never wanted disclosed about you. This is a pivotal moment in dating.

Sometimes people jump into "life" social engagements by bringing a new boy to a wedding. Usually when this happens, the guy fails but the girl is told how wonderful the guy is. I know this doesn't happened all the time to everyone. This is the way it happens for me. (Let's remember that this blog is about me and my life.)

Then I guess it comes to BF stage.... But since I haven't been to BF stage in a while I can't really tell you what to do here. And of course next week if I meet the man of my dreams and tell you all this post was all a bunch of hooey, you'll keep reading right?

I wish dating got easier. I wish I knew exactly what I was looking for in a man. Somedays I want one. Somedays I am lonely. Somedays I am glad I don't have one. Somedays I am overwhelmed at the thought of someone else in my life that I have to account for.

update

2009-06-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

Sister is married. Dad and step mom are ok from the accident. I got x-rays again today and am healing ok. No re-injury from the accident or the fall I took at the wedding. (I tripped and fell when my heal got caught in a rug) I am back a work today and it’s slow.

As for my Summer Lover, I have not seen him for about a week but we have talked everyday. I guess that is good. There has been no asking to see me from him. We are going with a group to Six Flags on Thursday. But it will be a group. Not sure yet what to think about this Summer Lover business......

I did however go to Sonic last night in an old pick up truck. SO MUCH FUN!!!!

wedding bells

2009-06-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post before the chaos begins today. June 13th, today, Sister and her man get married!

Last night we had a little bump in the plans. As my dad, step mom, myself and a few friends were leaving the rehearsal dinner someone asshole in a truck hit us. My step mom's car was towed away. So today dad is calling to get a rental. We are all ok. My step mom is banged up. I am sore from the impact and an already broken rib. I am afraid 2 months isn't going to fix this damn rib. I am so thankful that my dad was driving. He was sober, I don't think the other was (lot of reasons, the guy was sketchy). He has plenty of room to not hit us or stop but he didn't. Regardless, we are all ok. And today is the wedding!!!!!

Sister and her man are so in love. It is so awesome to see. I can't wait until it happens.

Let's do this!!!!

do over day

2009-06-09T05:27:00.001-07:00

Woke up this morning with a Charlie Horse in both legs and shooting pain in my side where I broke my rib. Started thinking about my day and the plans with Summer Lover that are up in the air. We talked last week about going to lunch today but he is SO FUCKING BUSY that a solid plan has never been made. I'm feeling sad and weepy. I have a full day planned. A bunch of doctor's visits this morning, some errands and then all I want to do it get back in bed alone. I'd like to skip the whole day and begin again tomorrow when I am feeling better physically and emotionally.

Update: No fucking wonder I woke up in such a bad mood, feeling terrible. I forgot to take all my medications yesterday. Including all my diabetes pills (which effect me physically and emotionally) and my birth control pills. I'm an idiot. I should be feeling better soon.

our love is like a fruit fly

2009-06-07T18:57:00.001-07:00

So I talked and sort of had a "DTR" with Summer Lover just a bit ago. It appears he only wants a Summer Lover too. I basically told him I was super attracted to him, I wanted to fuck him all the time. That I wasn't interested in a boyfriend but I need to be able to see him and fuck him once a week. (yes, I really did say that.) To which he said, "ok don't fall in love with me." Then I told him that there were a few other guys who wanted to take me out and I would go out with them.

Side note:I don't want to appear like I would/will be using other guys for anything. See, I know how I am. I will sleep with Summer Lover again. I have to. But I also like having other dudes who show me attention. It makes me less insane like I have been with Summer Lover. These other dudes will know I have a Lover. In fact both TJ and my friend know about Summer Lover. And both still want to hang out with me. I am not leading anyone on except perhaps myself.

I wouldn't sleep any of those other guys because let's face it that is just gross. To which my Summer Lover replied... "uh...ok. I'm really horny." I told him to get back to work (he is working today, Sunday.)

Side note: Summer Lover working on Sunday and busy all the time is what started this whole "DTR" conversation. The conversation where I said among other things, "you aren't that into me. it's cool" and "and really fucking hot" (in response to "you are so funny". And he told me, "I don't want a girlfriend", "I'm really busy" and "My priorities are these two things, work and my daughter." He also said "you are so amazing", "I'm really want to hang out with you" and "are you using me for my body? (to which I replied with a laugh because I might be.) But I also said " I don't want to get married" and "we started this too fast."

Honestly, it was a nice conversation. Now that I know Summer Lover isn't going to fuck other girls (he told me he wasn't and didn't plan to) and I can go out with other dudes and not feel guilty, all the pressure it off to make this something when it doesn't have to be. The truth is Summer Lover and I went too fast, too soon. Summer Lover is a Burn Out. (No he isn't a stoner, look it up over on the right. Use the side bar.... I'll wait.) I want to know him better. Jesus, I only know a few things about him. And I have to say that he mentioned in our conversation that he too wanted to know me better. I want to be his friend. I don't want to only spend time with him (when I said that before, I was crazy. Next time that happens remind me to calm the fuck down). I also want to sleep him about once a week (but would be happy with just one more time.) I'm sure he is bad news McGoo. The dude does have knife scars on this stomach and back from when he was stabbed. And two kids. And he is divorced. And he has a hobby he really loves.

Side note: A guy once broke up with my sister because he wanted to "ride his bike more". We saw him when we were out for her bachorette party. He was fat. My sister said, "Huh, guess he isn't riding that bike anymore." LOL she is so funny.

Summer Lover is busy. I am busy. We are all busy but I guess I now have an official no strings attached get to know you better, Summer Lover. We see if this is what I am looking for. Because I don't want to get married. I have a fucking awesome life on my own. I am really fucking hot and someone needs to hit this again before I explode. Or something like that.

big news

2009-06-07T17:06:00.000-07:00

Big ass news in the Casa de Sox today. Anyone want to take a wild guess....? ok I'll just tell you. I got a home computer! I know it is nuts. I found (stole) internet and am ready to post my brains out. :) I can already tell this was a bad idea since I truly hate computers for their time sucking. I have been on this thing what feels like 10 minutes but has really been about an hour. Thankfully this new (to me) computer came while I am out of the office. Hopefully it will keep from thinking too much about Summer Lover. And help me with the last minute things I need to do for Sister's wedding.

As for Summer Lover, I might be playing too many games. Last night he called me after all day of not calling so I didn't answer plus I had a house guest. Finally a few hours later I called him. He didn't answer. I didn't hear from him today, Sister told me that if I wanted to talk to him I should call him. (what the hell does she know?) So I did and I still haven't heard from him. I should have just not called.... Oh well. His loss if he decides he doesn't want me. Why would it be his loss? Because I fucking rock. I am really hot. And awesome. And would f him like a crazy woman. But if he decides it doesn't want it, I think I can find other dudes who do.

I think we have lunch plans on Tuesday....

So my dear readers, all 3 of you. Expect many more postings from me in the near future.

caught a bug...

2009-06-05T14:53:00.000-07:00

I got it bad. I have caught some kind of bug and it has me down and out. I think I have caught a “crazy for you” bug. And because I am a chicken shit, I do not know if the feeling is mutual. So far I would say all signs point to yes for now. But I can’t go all crazy on him. Plus, I am so fucking busy with Sister’s wedding in two weeks. I have to finish up my work load so I can be out all next week. I have a few extra bridesmaid duties, like writing a heart felt speech that will make Sister laugh and cry or vice versa. And I need to get together an emergency kit for the big day (which I haven’t even begin to think about). And all I want to do is lay around in bed with Summer Lover. I saw him last night at HH. It was great to see him. At one point, I totally creamed my panties when he looked at me and made me laugh. (see what I mean about having it bad.) I’m not into PDA when you just start seeing someone in the early stages like Summer Lover and I are in right now. But before I left the bar, he gave me a big gentle hug where is sniffed me. You know what I am talking about... Then he kissed my forehead, called me by a nick name and hugged me again. Really good stuff. I sent him an email this morning that was a bit racy. He responded and later we IMed. Everything is great. I just need to not get ahead of myself and keep taking deep breaths.

my my my my poker face, my poker face.

2009-06-04T12:05:00.001-07:00

The last few days I have had on my poker face at work, with friends, with Summer Lover. I don’t like my poker face. What am I hiding you ask? Well I’ll tell you but you have to keep it a secret. Some of my poker face is because of Summer Lover. Read the post below. I want to see him but he is busy and well, busy sucks. That is all that needs to be said about that for now. As for work, I feel like I have been busting my ass with no pats on the back lately. I am down with working hard. I am really good at working hard. But when you don’t get a pat on the back for working hard well I don’t want to do it anymore. I was really pissed the other day about something that went down at work so I put on my poker face and grinned my way through the day. I love my job I just need a pat on the back every once in a while. With friends, I have on my poker face when it comes to the broken rib. The truth is it hurts like all the time but I hate being whiney about it so I grin and say it’s ok.

I ran into TJ (from the coffee shop) this morning and I sat with him and talked for a while. He asked me how things with Summer Lover are. I told him with my best poker face that things were good. I had talked to him but hadn’t seen him. I felt like I had to justify my budding relationship by saying. “We have only been hanging out 3 weeks.” Which makes it seem like it’s not that important. I don’t want to feel like it isn’t important. But, it isn’t really a relationship yet. Seriously, I might need to take some shit into my own hands about this whole thing.

OK I wasn’t going to admit this but I totally hung out with another guy last night. My friend just broke up with his gf so he came over and we hung out. We rarely hang out alone. Nothing happened and he is only a friend but hanging out with a guy when I could be and want to be hanging out with Summer Lover seemed strange to me. But I was thankful to be distracted from thoughts of Summer Lover. Summer Lover had some B-day dinner for a friend. My friend ended up staying over late so I just went to bed after he left.

I did get a call from Summer Lover today after lunch. It was nice to get a call from him in the middle of my work day. It appears he will be busy more that I thought this weekend. His brother is popping into town to stay with him for a few days. Fucking great! First the friend then the brother? Doesn’t his brother know I want to see him? Whatever. I told Summer Lover that I had some stuff going on with me too. Sister’s wedding is only two weeks away. Bachelorette party this Friday (if Summer Lover didn’t have his brother staying with him I would totally booty call him) and a surprise B-day party for a friend Saturday. I also told him if his schedule frees up he should call me. (I’ll make some time for him. Didn’t tell him that, only implied it.) It seems that he is feeling the same way I am feeling about not seeing each other. That is a good sign. And after only a few weeks of seeing each other (I don’t want to say dating and it is more that just hanging out) it seems like a crazy woman thing to do if I were to demand to see him. Right? So I played it cool. (I played the game Miss Ashleigh)

Aaaaahhhhhhgggggggg.... Excuse me, I need to go scream into my pillow.